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101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica:

There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey:

C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler:

All right Joey, be nice.

So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe:

Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe:

Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica:

Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler:

Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler:

Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally

naked.

All:

Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler:

Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey:

Instead of...?

Chandler:

That's right.

Joey:

Never had that dream.

Phoebe:

No.

Chandler:

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica:

And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler:

Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she

never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross:

(mortified) Hi.

Joey:

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica:

Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross:

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied

it around my neck...

Chandler:

Cookie?

Monica:

(explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey:

Ohh.

Monica:

(to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross:

Thanks.

Phoebe:

Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross:

No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe:

Fine!

Be murky!

Ross:

I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica:

No you don't.

Ross:

No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey:

And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross:

No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler:

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross:

I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica:

Oh

really,

so

that

hysterical

phone

call

I

got

from

a

woman

at

sobbing

3:00

A.M.,

never

have

grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren.

A wrong number?

Ross:

Sorry.

Joey:

Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the

answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey:

Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross:

I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler:

And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica:

Rachel?!

Rachel:

Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big

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hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress:

Can I get you some coffee?

Monica:

(pointing

at

Rachel)

De-caff.

(to

All)

Okay,

everybody,

this

is

Rachel,

another

Lincoln

High

survivor.

(to

Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel:

Hi, sure!

Ross:

Hi.

(They

go

to

hug

but

Ross's

umbrella

opens.

He

sits

back

down

defeated

again.

A

moment

of

silence

follows

as

Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica:

So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel:

Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all

the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to

the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry!

And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I

mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I

doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you

and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica:

Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel:

Ooh,

I

was

kinda

hoping

that

wouldn't

be

an

issue...

[Scene:

Monica's

Apartment,

everyone

is

there

and

watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica:

Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler:

(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?

Decide!

Ross:

(in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel:

(on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe:

If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler:

(re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Joey:

I say push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:

Push her down the stairs! Push her down

the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel:

C'mon

Daddy,

listen

to

me!

It's

like,

it's

like,

all

of

my

life,

everyone

has

always

told

me,

'You're

a

shoe!

You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe?

What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a

ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross:

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel:

Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica:

Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel:

Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica:

Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...

Phoebe:

(sings) Raindrops on roses and

rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La

la la la...something and noodles with string.

These are a few...

Rachel:

I'm all better now.

Phoebe:

(grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica:

Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.

The whole,

'hat' thing.

Joey:

(comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the

hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica:

Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey:

What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler:

Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul:

(over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica:

Oh God, is it 6:30?

Buzz him in!

Joey:

Who's Paul?

Ross:

Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica:

Maybe.

Joey:

Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross:

He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

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Chandler:

Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica:

Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel:

Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica:

(to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross:

(choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica:

(horrified) Really?

Ross:

(normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe:

What does that mean?

Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica:

Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All:

Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler:

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica:

Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross:

A wandering?

Monica:

Change!

Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe:

Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey:

Hey, Paul!

Paul:

Yeah?

Joey:

Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it

starts to get a little red.

Monica:

(yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross:

So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel:

Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross:

Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about

your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to

help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler:

(deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel:

Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.

It's been kinda a long day.

Ross:

Okay, sure.

Joey:

Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe:

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe:

(singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your

love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.

La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy)

Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross:

(squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch

of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey:

I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler:

It's a beautiful thing.

Joey:

(picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler:

I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey:

Which goes where?

Chandler:

I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey:

Done with the bookcase!

Chandler:

All finished!

Ross:

(clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should

have known.

Joey:

Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler:

Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey:

Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross:

You guys.

Chandler:

Oh, God.

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