老友记六人行剧本第一季

101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica:

There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey:

C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler:

All right Joey, be nice.

So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe:

Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe:

Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica:

Okay,

everybody

relax.

Relax.

This

is

not

even

a

date.

It's

just

two

people

going

out

to

dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler:

Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler:

Alright,

so

I'm

back

in

high

school,

I'm

standing

in

the

middle

of

the

cafeteria,

and

I

realize I am totally naked.

All:

Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler:

Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey:

Instead of...?

Chandler:

That's right.

Joey:

Never had that dream.

Phoebe:

No.

Chandler:

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts

looking at me.

Monica:

And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler:

Finally,

I figure

I'd better answer

it, and it turns out it's

my

mother, which is very-very

weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross:

(mortified) Hi.

Joey:

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica:

Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross:

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my

mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler:

Cookie?

Monica:

(explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey:

Ohh.

Monica:

(to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross:

Thanks.

Phoebe:

Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross:

No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe:

Fine!

Be murky!

Ross:

I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica:

No you don't.

Ross:

No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey:

And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross:

No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler:

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross:

I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica:

Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M.,

have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren.

A wrong number?

Ross:

Sorry.

Joey:

Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I

tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey:

Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross:

I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler:

And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica:

Rachel?!

Rachel:

Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then

this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress:

Can I get you some coffee?

Monica:

(pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High

survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember

my brother Ross?

Rachel:

Sure, Hi!

Ross:

Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.

He sits back down defeated again.

A moment of silence

follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica:

So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel:

Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we

were

keeping

all

the

presents,

and

I

was

looking

at

this

gravy

boat.

This

really

gorgeous

Lamauge

gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that

I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's

when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked

familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this,

and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that

you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica:

Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel:

Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to

figure out what is going on.]

Monica:

Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler:

(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?

Decide!

Ross:

(in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel:

(on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters

to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe:

If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler:

(re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Joey:

I say push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:

Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her

down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel:

C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told

me,

'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What

if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I

want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross:

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel:

Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica:

Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel:

Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said

maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breathing into a paper bag.]

Monica:

Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...

Phoebe:

(sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.)

bluebells

and

sleighbells

and-

something

with

mittens...

La

la

la

la...something

and

noodles

with

string.

These are a few...

Rachel:

I'm all better now.

Phoebe:

(grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica:

Okay,

look,

this

is

probably

for

the

best,

y'know?

Independence.

Taking

control

of

your

life.

The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey:

(comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler

live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica:

Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey:

What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler:

Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul:

(over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica:

Oh God, is it 6:30?

Buzz him in!

Joey:

Who's Paul?

Ross:

Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica:

Maybe.

Joey:

Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross:

He finally asked you out?

Monica

: Yes!

Chandler:

Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica:

Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel:

Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica:

(to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross:

(choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica:

(horrified) Really?

Ross:

(normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe:

What does that mean?

Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't

know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica:

Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody,

this is Paul.

All:

Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler:

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica:

Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross:

A wandering?

Monica:

Change!

Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe:

Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey:

Hey, Paul!

Paul:

Yeah?

Joey:

Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and

over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica:

(yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross:

So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel:

Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross:

Right,

you're

not

even

getting

your

honeymoon,

God.. No,

no,

although, Aruba,

this

time

of

year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey

and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler:

(deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel:

Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.

It's been kinda a long

day.

Ross:

Okay, sure.

Joey:

Hey Phoebe, you wanna help?

Phoebe:

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe:

(singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh

your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.

La-la- la-la-la- (some guy gives

her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la- la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross:

(squatting

and

reading

the

instructions)

I'm

supposed

to

attach

a

brackety

thing

to

the

side

things,

using

a

bunch

of

these

little

worm

guys.

I

have

no

brackety

thing,

I

see

no

whim

guys

whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey:

I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler:

It's a beautiful thing.

Joey:

(picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler:

I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey:

Which goes where?

Chandler:

I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey:

Done with the bookcase!

Chandler:

All finished!

Ross:

(clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the

can, I should have known.

Joey:

Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler:

Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey:

Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you

get?

Ross:

You guys.

Chandler:

Oh, God.

Joey:

You got screwed.

Chandler:

Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica:

Oh my God!

Paul:

I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the

dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica:

My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul:

Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica

: -leg?

Paul:

(laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica:

You

actually

broke

her

watch?

Wow!

The

worst

thing

I

ever

did

was,

I-I

shredded

by

boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul:

Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica:

That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel:

Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said

the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju-

(She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know

that

some

girl

is

going

to be

incredibly

lucky

to

become

Mrs.

Barry

Finkel,

but

it isn't

me,

it's

not

me.

And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too...

(The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene:

Ross's

Apartment;

Ross

is

pacing

while

Joey

and

Chandler

are

working

on

some

more

furniture.]

Ross:

I'm divorced!

I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey:

Shut up!

Chandler:

You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)