communication between men and women

Communication between Men and Women in the

Context of the Christian Community

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Rhonda H. Kelley

This article has been reprinted from

Faith & Mission

, Fall 1996, with permission from Southeastern

Baptist Theological Seminary.

INTRODUCTION

Scripture teaches about the uniqueness of men and women. While created in the image of God

with equality of worth and value, men and women are different by design and function.

Gender differences are apparent physically and behaviorally. Men and women differ in the

way they think, feel, act, and talk. In fact, one of the most striking differences between the

sexes is the unique ways that men and women communicate.

In recent years, the communication styles of men and women have been studied scientifically.

Linguists have documented these perceived differences. The primary purpose of these

intensive investigations is not to determine which communicative style is best or to motivate

others to change completely, but to identify differences for the purpose of understanding and

adaptation. As men and women better recognize differences in communicative styles, they can

work to improve their own communication with members of the opposite sex.

The general gender communication differences affect

all

men and women in

every

context.

Whether Christian or non-Christian, churched or unchurched, men and women have unique

ways of expressing their thoughts and feelings. At home and at the office, in marriage and in

friendships, these differences are immediately apparent. The church, as a body of believers,

male and female, is challenged by these differences in communicative style. The impact of

these gender differences is experienced in informal conversations, Bible study classes, church

committee meetings, counseling sessions, and pulpit preaching.

What is Genderlect?

In recent years, perhaps as women have entered the workplace in larger numbers, the obvious

communicative style differences between men and women have been discussed publicly.

Unique conversational styles have been observed and communicative conflicts have been

encountered. As a result, linguists have begun to research gender communication.

The term

genderlect

has been coined to define the language of the sexes. Similar in form to

the word

is

to the speaker's sexual gender.

combat gender style differences in her book entitled

Genderspeak

. Deborah Tannen, a

well-respected linguistics professor and scholar, has conducted research and published books

about gender communication including her national bestseller,

You Just Don't Understand:

Men and Women in Conversation

(Ballantine, 1990).

Genderflex, according to Judith C. Tingley in her book by the same title, is described as an

active process:

order to increase potential for influence.

and women communicate, temporary adaption to a different style of communication is

necessary. The primary goal of this adjustment is effective communication with members of

the opposite sex. Genderlect is heard in the context of the Christian community and

genderflex is necessary for effective ministry together. These gender communication

differences begin at very early ages.

When Does Gender Communication Develop?

Language and communication are considered learned behavior which develops through a

combination of nature and nurture, genetic predisposition and environmental stimulation. As

a result, gender communication differences emerge in early childhood. Children learn how to

talk from their parents as well as their peers, often imitating their same-sex models.

In her book,

You Just Don't Understand

, Deborah Tanen asserts that

the same neighborhood, on the same block, or in the same house, girls and boys grow up in

different worlds or words.

children as young as three years of age, about the time language is developed. While little girls

talk to be liked; little boys often talk to boast. Little girls make requests; little boys make

demands. Little girls speak to create harmony; little boys prolong conflict. Little girls talk

more indirectly; little boys talk directly. Little girls talk more with words; little boys use more

actions. While boys and girls both want to get their way, they use language differently to do so.

These communication differences are noted during same gender and opposite gender

conversations, during one-on-one and small group interactions. Neither gender style is

considered best, but obvious differences from childhood to adulthood should be understood

and adapted. Parents, spouses, co-workers, and church members need to become aware of

differences in gender communication.

Gender Communication Differences

Communication between men and women can be considered cross- cultural communication.

People in different cultures speak different dialects. In fact, John Gray in his book,

Men are

From Mars, Women are From Venus

, suggests that men and women communicate in such

different ways that they seem to be from different planets. There are numerous general

differences that characterize gender communication.

Before clarifying some distinctives in gender communication, several basic assumptions must

be accepted.

1.

1.

Men and women do have different conversational styles.

2.

Both styles of communication are equally valid.

3.

The goal in gender communication is not change the style of communication

but to adapt to the differences.

According to

Tannen, men and women express themselves in different ways and for different

reasons. Men use communication to maintain independence, while women talk to maintain

intimacy.

Whether conscious or unconscious, men often talk to establish status from others.

Women use words to connect themselves emotionally, to express feelings, or build rapport.

Men often share facts and figures as in a report. Tannen labels these communicative

differences

Research concludes tha

t men talk more in public while women talk more in private.

This

conclusion is obvious when the purpose of male and female communication is understood. If

men talk to establish status, most male conversation would inevitably occur in public, at the

workplace. On the other hand, if women talk to establish intimacy, most female conversation

would take place in private, at home.

Body language is also used differently by men and women. While women typically use

nonverbal communication directly, men use it indirectly. Women stand in close proximity to

each other, maintain eye contact, and gesture more frequently.

Men hold their distance, rarely

establish eye contact, and gestures less dramatically. Men and women also handle conflict

differently. While women avoid conflict in order to insure closeness, men use conflict to gain

status. These are just a few of the common differences in gender communication.

Men and women express gender communication differences in

content, style

, and

structure

.

What do men and women talk about? Men often talk about sports, money, and business;

women most often discuss people, feelings, and relationships. Why do men and women talk?

Men often express themselves to fix a problem, converse for competition, and talk to resolve

problems. Women most often express themselves to understand, converse to support, and

talk to connect. How do men and women talk? Men typically use precise words, to the point,

without descriptive details. Women are more detailed, apologetic, and vague.

Gender Communication and the Church

Differences in the way men and women communicate affect all relationships: husband-wife,

father-daughter, mother- son, employer-employee, and pastor-member. In fact, gender

communication differences are also obvious in the church. In hallway conversation,

committee discussion, Bible study teaching, pulpit preaching, or pastoral counseling, men and

women encounter gender style differences. Scripture challenges believers to communicate

more effectively with each other. Men and women are to control their tongues (

James 3:1-12

)

and speak only words of kindness (

Eph. 4:29

,

32

). The Book of Proverbs discusses the

importance of listening with understanding to others who speak (

Prov. 11:12

;

18:2

,

13

;

29:20

).

Jesus admonished His disciples to discuss conflict with a sinning brother (

Matt. 1:15

) and

Matt. 22:39

). Mature Christians realize that clear, loving,

encouraging communication among His children is the desire of Christ's heart. Since gender

will never change, Christian men and women must understand the conversational styles of the

opposite sex.

Improving Communication Between Christian Men and Women

Once differences in gender communication have been identified, adjustments can be made to

improve communication. While genderflex or genderspeak is not easy or automatic, Christian

men and women can improve their communication as they consciously work on it. Here are

several strategies for improving gender communication.

1.

1.

Become aware of your own communication style

. Each person has a unique

style of communication. Listen to your own speech. Evaluate your words, your

tone of voice, and your body language. Compare your own communication

style with that of individuals whom you judge to be effective communicators.

Self-evaluation is an important first step in improving gender communication.

Pastor John Brown began to notice that he was much more comfortable

greeting men of his church than the women. He realized that he could

naturally talk about sports, work, or church business with the men though he

could rarely think of something to say to the women. He began to work on his

interaction with the ladies of his church. He tried to remember the names of

their children and details of their lives so he could comfortably talk with the

ladies about their families and important events. Pastor Brown improved his

communication with the female members of his church by simply evaluating

his own communicative style.

2.

Understand the communication style of the opposite sex

. You may be

unfamiliar with the unique communication style of the other gender. Listen

carefully to the opposite sex around you - your spouse, your child, your parent,

and your friends. Make observations in their conversation. What do they say?

How do they say it? When do they speak? Why do they speak? Discuss these

conversational differences at an appropriate time, not when conflict arises.

Try to determine if your perceptions are accurate. Then you are ready to make

some changes in order to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex.

Bill Smith, the minister of education at a growing church, began to notice that

the only lady on the finance committee never made a comment during the

meetings. However, before and after the meetings, she talked freely with

members about the committee's work. In fact, she had some unique

perspectives and some good ideas. Bro. Smith decided to discuss his

observations with her. She agreed that she was much more comfortable

talking in private than in public. After some discussion, Bro. Smith

encouraged her to share her thoughts with the committee. His understanding

of her hesitancy to speak in front of the group led to improved communication

among all members of the committee.

3.

Adjust to those conversational styles

. You may think it is impossible to

change the way you communicate since you have been talking that way for

years. Remember that communication is a learned behavior and behavior can

be modified! If you tend to lecture or

on better listening and discussing feelings not just facts. If you tend to speak

in vague generalities, maybe you should work on more detail and specific

information in your conversation. If your indirect body language is confusing

your verbal message, maybe you should consciously work on gestures that

clarify and confirm your words. Both men and women should work on

improving their communication.

A successful pastor was struggling to stay in touch with his teenage daughter.

During one rather heated conversation, in desperation he asked,

you tell me?

you. But you were to busy lecturing me to listen.

made the decision to listen first and to discuss the subject rather than

immediately trying to solve her problem.

4.

Alter your conversational style to fit the context

. Effective communication is

adapted appropriately to fit the setting. Some comments are best made in

private while others can be shared in public. Some statements are appropriate

for a group at church while others should be made to your best friend.

Mary Jones always had something to say in her couples Sunday School class.

Whatever the topic, she always had a comment. She rarely answered a

question, but typically expressed her opinion. One Sunday morning she

noticed her classmates rolled their eyes as she raised her hand. Several

members looked at each other and smiled. She realized that she was talking

too much in Sunday School. The next Sunday Mary decided that she could

only make one comment during class. She carefully evaluated her thoughts

before talking and adapted her style of communication.