-
When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first
psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in
clinical psychology at Berkeley. She
was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
记得见我第一位心理咨询顾客时，
我才
20
多岁。
当时我是
Berkeley
临床心理学在读博士生。
我的第一位顾客是名叫
Alex
的女性，
26
岁。
Now
Alex
walked
into
her
first
session
wearing
jeans
and
a
big
slouchy
top,
and
she
dropped onto the couch in my office and
kicked off her flats and told me she was there to
talk about guy problems. Now when I
heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an
arsonist for her first client.
(Laughter) And I got a twentysomething who wanted
to talk
about boys. This I thought I
could handle.
第一次见面
< br>Alex
穿着牛仔裤和宽松上衣走进来，她一下子栽进我办公室的沙发上，踢掉脚
上的平底鞋，
跟我说她想谈谈男生的问题。
当时我听到这个之后松了一口气。
因为我同学的
第一个顾客
是纵火犯，
而我的顾客却是一个
20
出
头想谈谈男生的女孩。
我觉得我可以搞定。
But I didn't handle it.
With the funny stories that Alex would bring to
session, it was easy
for me just to nod
my head while we kicked the can down the road.
但是我没有搞定。
Alex
不断地讲有趣的事情，而我只能简单地点头认同她所说的，很自然
地就陷
入了附和的状态。
the
new
20,
Alex
would
say,
and
as
far
as
I
could
tell,
she
was
right.
Work
happened
later,
marriage
happened
later,
kids
happened
later,
even
death
happened
later.
Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but
time.
Alex
说：
“
30
岁是一个新的
2
0
岁”
。没错，我告诉她“你是对的”
。工作还早，结婚还早，
生孩子还早，甚至死亡也早着呢。像
A
lex
和我这样
20
多岁的人，什么都
没有但时间多的
是。
But
before
long,
my
supervisor
pushed
me
to
push
Alex
about
her
love
life.
I
pushed
back. I
said,
she's
going
to
marry
the
guy.
And
then
my
supervisor
said,
yet,
but
she
might
marry the next one. Besides, the best
time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has
one.
但不久之后，我的导师就要
我向
Alex
的感情生活施压。我反驳说：
“当然她现在正在和别
人交往，她现在和一个傻瓜男生睡觉，但看样子她不会和他结
婚的。
”
而我的导师说：
“不
着急，她也许会和下一个结婚。但修复
Ale
x
婚姻的最好时期是她还没拥有婚姻的时期。
”
That's what
psychologists call an
not
the
new
20.
Yes,
people
settle
down
later
than
they
used
to,
but
that
didn't
make
Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.
这就是心理学家说的“顿悟时刻”
。
正是那个时候我意识到，
30
岁不是一个新的
< br>20
岁。的
确，和以前的人相比，现在人们更晚才安定下
来，但是这不代表
Alex
就能长期处于
20
多
岁的状态。
That made Alex's 20s a
developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting
there blowing it.
That was when I
realized that this sort of benign neglect was a
real problem, and it had
real
consequences, not just for Alex and her love life
but for the careers and the families
and the futures of twentysomethings
everywhere.
更晚安定下来，应该使
Alex
的
20
多岁成为
发展的黄金时段，而我们却坐在那里忽视这个
发展的时机。从那时起我意识到这种善意的
忽视确实是个问题，它不仅给
Alex
本身和她的
感情生活带来不良后果，而且影响到处
20
多岁的人
的事业、家庭和未来。
There
are
50
million
twentysomethings
in
the
United
States
right
now.
We're
talking
about 15 percent of
the population, or 100 percent if you consider
that no one's getting
through adulthood
without going through their 20s first.
现
在在美国，
20
多
岁
的人有五千万，也就是
15%
的人口，或者可以
说
所有人口，因
为
所有
成年人都要
经历
他
们
的
2
0
多
岁
。
Raise your hand if you're
in your 20s. I really want to see some
twentysomethings here.
Oh,
yay!
Y'all's
awesome.
If
you
work
with
twentysomethings,
you
love
a
twentysomething,
you're
losing
sleep
over
twentysomethings,
I
want
to
see
—
Okay.
Awesome, twentysomethings really
matter.
如果你
现
在
20
多
岁
，
请举
手。我很想看到有
20
多
岁
的人在
这
里。哦，很好。如果你和
20
多<
/p>
岁
的人一起工作，
你喜
< br>欢
20
多
岁
的人，
你因
为
20
多
岁
的人
辗转难
眠，我想看到你
们
。
很
棒，看来
20
多
岁
的人确
实
很受重
视
。
So I specialize in twentysomethings
because I believe that every single one of those
50
million
twentysomethings
deserves
to
know
what
psychologists,
sociologists,
neurologists
and
fertility specialists
already
know:
that
claiming
your
20s is
one
of
the
simplest,
yet
most
transformative,
things
you
can
do
for
work,
for
love,
for
your
happiness, maybe even for the world.
因此我
专门
研究
20
多
岁
的人，
因
为
我
坚
信
这
五千万的
20
多
岁
的人，
每
一个人都
应该
去了解
那些心理学家、社会学家、神
经
学家和生育
专
家已
经
知道的事<
/p>
实
：你的
20
多
岁
是极
简单
却
极具
变
化的
时
期之一。你
20
多
岁
的
时
光决定了你的事
业
、
爱
情、幸福甚至整个
世界。
This
is
not
my
opinion.
These
are
the
facts.
We
know
that
80
percent
of
life's
most
defining moments take place by age 35.
That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions
and experiences and
by your
mid-30s.
这
不是我的看法
。
这
些是事
实
。我
们
知道
80%
决定你生活的
时
刻
发
生在
35
岁
之前。
这
就意
味着你生活的重要决定、
经历
和突然的
领
悟，有八成是
在你
30
多
岁
之前
发
生的。
People who are over 40,
don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I
think. We know that
the first 10 years
of a career has an exponential impact on how much
money you're going
to
earn.
We
know
that
more
than
half
of
Americans
are
married
or
are
living
with
or
dating their future partner by 30.
那些超
过
4
0
岁
的朋友不要惊慌，
我想
这
群人会没事的。
我
们<
/p>
知道
职业
生涯的前
10
年
对
你将
来的收入有重大影响。我
们
知道到了
30
岁
的
时
候
，超
过
半数的美国人会
结
婚或者和未来的
另一半同居或者
约
< br>会。
We know
that the brain caps off its second and last growth
spurt in your 20s as it rewires
itself
for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you
want to change about yourself,
now is
the time to change it. We know that personality
changes more during your 20s
than
at
any
other
time
in
life,
and
we
know
that
female
fertility
peaks
at
age
28,
and
things get tricky after
age 35.
我
们
知道人在
20
多
岁
的
时
候大
脑
停止第二次也是最后一次重
组
，以适
应
成年世界的快速
发
育
阶
段。
这
就意味着
不管你想怎
样
改
变
自己，
现
在就是
时间
改
变
了。我
们
知道在
20
多
岁
的
时
候，性格的改
变
多于生命中任何
时
期。我
< br>们
也知道女性的最佳生育
时
期在
28
岁
的
时<
/p>
候达
到
顶
峰，<
/p>
35
岁
之后生育
变
得困
难
。
So your 20s are the time to
educate yourself about your body and your options.
So when
we
think
about
child
development,
we
all
know
that
the
first
five
years
are
a
critical
period
for
language
and
attachment
in
the
brain.
It's
a
time
when
your
ordinary,
day-to-day life
has an inordinate impact on who you will become.
所以你的
20
多
岁
正是了解你自身和
选择
的
时
期。
当我
们
想到孩童的成
长时
，
我
们
都知道
1
-5
岁
是大
脑
学
习语
言和感知的重要
时
期。
这
个
时
期，
日常的普通生活都会
对
你
的未来道路影响
巨大。
But what we hear less about is that
there's such a thing as adult development, and our
20s are that critical period of adult
development. But this isn't what twentysomethings
are hearing. Newspapers talk about the
changing timetable of adulthood.
但是我
们
却很少听到成年
发
展期，
而我
们
的
20
多
岁
正是成年
发
展期的
关键
。
但是
20
多
岁
的
人却听不到
这
些，
报纸讨论
的只是成年年
龄
界
线
的
变
更。
Researchers
call
the
20s
an
extended
adolescence.
Journalists
coin
silly
nicknames
for
twentysomethings like
what is actually the defining decade of
adulthood.
研究者称
2
0
多
岁
是延
长
的青春期。
记
者就引用
傻傻
的外号称呼
20
多
岁
的人，
比如
“
twixters
”
(twenty-mixters)
和“
kidults
”
(kid-
adults)
。
这
是真的。作
为
一
种
文化，我
们
的忽
视
的正
是
对
成年起到决
定性作用的十年（从
20
岁
到
30
岁
）
。
Leonard
Bernstein
said
that
to
achieve
great
things,
you
need
a
plan
and
not
quite
enough
time.
Isn't
that
true?
So
what
do
you
think
happens
when
you
pat
a
twentysomething on the
head and you say,
Nothing
happens.
You
have
robbed
that
person
of
his
urgency
and
ambition,
and
absolutely nothing happens.
雷昂
纳
德·伯恩斯坦
< br>说过
：要想取得成就，你需要一个
计
划和
紧
迫的
时间
< br>。
这
是大
实话
< br>啊！
所以当你拍着一个
20
多<
/p>
岁
的人的
脑
袋，
跟他
说
，
“你
有
额
外的
10
年去
开
始你的生活”
，
你
觉
得
这
改
变
了什
么
？什
么
都没改
变
。
你只是
夺
走了那个人的
紧
迫感和雄心壮志，
绝对
没有改
变
什
么
。
And then
every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings
like you or like your sons and
daughters come into my office and say
things like this:
for me, but this
relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing
time.
says as long as I get started on a
career by the time I'm 30, I'll be
fine.
然后
每
< br>天，那些
聪
明有趣的
20
多
岁
的人就像你
们<
/p>
和你
们
的儿子女儿一
样
，走入我的
办
公室
开
始
说
：
< br>“我知道我的男朋友
对
我不
够<
/p>
好，
但是我
们
的
关
系不算数。
我只是在消磨
时
光而已。
”
或者
说
“
每
个人都告
诉
我只要能在
30
岁
的
时
候
开<
/p>
始我的事
业
，
这
就足
够
了。
”
But then it
starts to sound like this:
for
myself.
I
had
a
better
ré
sumé
the
day
after
I
graduated
from
college.
And
then
it
starts
to
sound
like
this:
in
my
20s
was
like
musical
chairs.
Everybody
was
running
around
and
having
fun,
but
then
sometime
around
30
it
was
like
the
music
turned off and
everybody started sitting down.
但是
实际
听上去却是：
“我
马
上就要三十了，却根本就没有
东
西展示。我只是在大学
毕业时
有
过
一份最漂亮的
简历
。<
/p>
”
或是
这样<
/p>
：
“我
20
多<
/p>
岁时
的
约
会就像
找凳子。
每
个人都
绕
< br>着凳子
跑，随便玩一玩，但是快
30
的
时
候就像音
乐
< br>停止了，所有人
开
始坐下。
I
didn't
want
to
be
the
only
one
left
standing
up,
so
sometimes
I
think
I
married
my
husband because he was
the closest chair to me at 30.
here? Do
not do that. Okay, now that sounds a little flip,
but make no mistake, the stakes
are
very high.
我不想成
为
那唯一站着的人，所以有
时
候我会想我
和我丈夫之所以会
结
婚，是因
为
在我
30
岁
的
时
候，他是当
时
离我
最近的那
张
凳子。在
场
的
20
多
岁
< br>的人
呐
，千万不要
这样
做。
这
个
做法听起来有
点
轻
率，但是不要犯
错
，因
为风险
很高。
When a lot has been pushed
to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething
pressure to
jump-start a career, pick a
city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a
much shorter
period of time. Many of
these things are incompatible, and as research is
just starting to
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