-
NARRATOR: My
name
is
Mary Alice
Y
oung. When
you
read
this
morning's paper,
you
may come across an
article
about the unusual day I had last week. Normally,
there's never anything newsworthy about my life.
That
all changed last
Thursday
. Of course everything seemed
as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my
family.
MARY ALICE::Here we
are. Waffles.
NARRATOR: I
performed my chores.
NARRATOR: I completed my projects.
NARRATOR: I ran my errands
NARRATOR: In truth, I spent
the day as I spend every other day - quietly
polishing the routine of my life until
it gleamed with perfection.
NARRATOR: That's why it was so
astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway
closet to retrieve a revolver
that had
never been used.
NARRATOR:
My
body
was
discovered
by
my
neighbour,
Mrs.
Martha
Huber,
who
had
been
startled
by
a
strange
popping
sound.
Her
curiosity
aroused,
Mrs.
Huber
tried
to
think
of
a
reason
for
dropping
in
on
me
unannounced.
After
some
initial
hesitation,
she
decided
to
return
the
blender
she
had
borrowed
from
me
6
months before.
MRS HUBER: (on the phone) It's
my neighbour. I think she's been shot,
there's blood everywhere.
Y
es, you've
got
to send an ambulance. Y
ou've got to
send one right now!
NARRATOR: And
for a
moment, Mrs. Huber stood
motionless
in
her
kitchen,
grief-stricken by this
senseless
tragedy
. But, only
for a moment.
NARRATOR: If
there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it
was her ability to look on the bright side.
NARRATOR:
I was
laid to rest on a Monday
.
After
the
funeral, all
the residents of Wisteria
Lane came
to pay
their respects. And as people do in
this situation, they brought food.
NARRATOR: Lynette Scavo brought fried
chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for
fried chicken.
NARRATOR: Of
course, she didn't cook
much as she was
moving
up the corporate
ladder. She didn't
have the
time.
NARRATOR:
But
when
her doctor
announced
Lynette
was
pregnant,
her
husband
Tom
had an
idea.
Why
not
quit your job? Kids
do much better with stay at home mums; it was so
much less stressful.
NARRATOR: But this was not the case.
NARRATOR:
In
fact,
Lynette's
life
had
become
so
hectic
she
was
now
forced
to
get
her
chicken
from
a
fast
food restaurant.
Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if
she stopped to think about it, but she couldn't.
She didn't have the time.
LYNETTE: Hey
,
hey
, hey
, hey!
LYNETTE: Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it.
PRESTON: But Mom!
LYNETTE:
No,
you
are
going
to
behave
today
.
I
am
not
going
to
be
humiliated
in
front
of
the
entire
neighbourhood. And, just so you know
how serious I am...
PRESTON: What's that?
LYNETTE: Santa's cell-phone number.
PORTER: How'd you get that?
LYNETTE: I know
someone,
who knows someone,
who knows an elf.
And
if anyone of
you acts
up, so help
me, I will call
Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas.
Y
ou willing to risk that?
SCA
VO kids: Uh-uh!
LYNETTE: Okay
.
LYNETTE: Let's get this
over with.
NARRATOR:
Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought
a spicy paella.
NARRATOR:
Since
her
modelling
days
in
New
Y
ork,
Gabrielle
had
developed
a
taste
for
rich
food
and
rich
men.
Carlos,
who
worked
in
mergers
and
acquisitions,
proposed
on
their
third
date.
Gabrielle
was
touched
when tears welled up
in his eyes.
NARRATOR: But
she soon discovered this happened every time
Carlos closed a big deal.
NARRATOR:
Gabrielle
liked
her
paella
piping
hot.
However,
her
relationship
with
her
husband
was
considerably cooler.
CARLOS:
If
you
talk
to
Al
Mason
at
this
thing,
I
want
you
to
casually
mention
how
much
I
paid
for
your
necklace.
GABRIELLE: Why don't I just pin the
receipt to my chest?
CARLOS:
He
let
me
know
how
much
he
paid
for
his
wife's
new
convertible.
Look,
just
work
it
into
the
conversation.
GABRIELLE: There's no way I can just
work that in, Carlos.
CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue
party
, everyone was talking about
mutual funds. And you found a way to
mention you slept with half the
Y
ankee outfield.
GABRIELLE: I'm telling you, it came up
in the context of the conversation.
CARLOS: Hey
, people are
starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down
please?
GABRIELLE: (sigh)
Absolutely
. Wouldn't want them to think
we're not happy
.
NARRATOR: Bree
V
an De Kamp,
who
lives
next door, brought
baskets of
muffins
she baked
from scratch.
Bree was known
for her cooking.
NARRATOR:
And for making her own clothes.
NARRATOR: And for doing her own
gardening.
NARRATOR: And
for reupholstering her own furniture.
NARRATOR:
Y
es,
Bree's
many talents were known
throughout the neighbourhood.
And
everyone on Wisteria
Lane thought of
Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone,
that is, except her own family.
BREE: Paul, Zachary
.
ZACH: Hello Mrs.
V
an De Kamp.
PAUL: Bree, you shouldn't have gone to
all this trouble.
BREE: It
was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red
ribbon PAUL: Thank you.
BREE: Well, the
least I
could do is
make sure you boys
had a decent
meal
to
look forward to
in the
morning. I
know you're out of your minds with
grief.
PAUL:
Y
es, we are.
BREE: (beat) Of course, I will need the
baskets back once you're done.
PAUL: Of course.
NARRATOR: Susan Meyer, who lives across
the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her
husband Carl always
teased her about
her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she
knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well.
It was too salty the night she and Carl
moved into their new house.
NARRATOR: It was too watery the night
she found lipstick on Carl's shirt.
NARRATOR: She burned it the night Carl
told her he was leaving her for his
secretary
.
NARRATOR:
A
year
had passed since the divorce. Susan was
starting
to think
how
nice
it would be to have a
man in her life, even one who would
make fun of her cooking.
JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill
themselves?
SUSAN: Well,
sometimes people are so unhappy they think it's
the only way they can solve their problems.
JULIE: But Mrs.
Y
oung always seemed happy
.
SUSAN:
Y
eah,
sometimes
people
pretend
to
be
one
way
on
the
outside
and
they're
totally
different
on
the
inside.
JULIE: Oh you mean how
Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice
things but deep down you just know
she's a bitch.
SUSAN: I don't like that word, Julie.
But yeah, that's a great example.
JULIE: Hey
, what's going on?
SUSAN: Sorry I'm late.
GABRIELLE: Hi Susan.
LYNETTE: (smiles at SUSAN)
Hey
.
MARY ALICE:
So? What did Carl say when you confronted him?
SUSAN: Y
ou'll
love this, he said it doesn't mean anything, it
was just sex.
BREE: Oh yes,
page one of the philanderer's handbook.
SUSAN: Yeah, and then he
got this Zen
look on
his face, and
he said, you
know Susan,
most
men
live
lives of
quiet desperation.
LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched
him.
SUSAN: No, I said,
really? And what do most women lead, lives of
noisy fulfillment?
GABRIELLE: Hmm.
MARY ALICE: Good for you.
SUSAN:
I
mean,
of
all
people,
did
he
have
to
bang
his
secretary?
I
had
that
woman
over
for
brunch.
GABRIELLE: It's like my grandmother
always said, an erect penis doesn't have a
conscience.
LYNETTE: Even
the limp ones aren't that ethical.
BREE:
This
is
half the reason I joined the NRA. (SUSAN
looks at
her.) Well, when
Rex started
going to those
medical conferences, I
wanted at the back of
his
mind
that
he
had a
loving wife at
home,
with a
loaded
Smith
and
Wesson.
MARY ALICE: Lynnie?
Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry
he might..?
LYNETTE: Oh,
please, the
man's
gotten
me pregnant three times
in
four
years. I wish
he was having sex with
someone else. (smiles)
BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop
seeing that woman?
SUSAN: I
don't know. I'm sorry you guys, I just... I just
don't know how I'm going to survive this.
MARY ALICE: Listen to me.
We all have moments of desperation. But if we can
face them head on, that's how
we find
out just how strong we really are.
BREE: Susan? Susan. I
was
just saying Paul wants
us to
go over on Friday
. He
needs
us to
go
t
hrough Mary
Alice's closet,
and help pack up her things. He says he can't face
doing it by himself.
SUSAN:
Sure, that's fine.
BREE:
Are you OK?
SUSAN:
Y
eah. I'm
just so
angry
. If Mary Alice
was
having problems, she should
have come to
us; she should
have let us help her.
GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could
she
have
had? She
was
healthy
,
had a
great
home,
a
nice
family
.
Her life was?-
LYNETTE: -our life.
GABRIELLE: No,
if Mary Alice
was
having some sort of crisis, we'd
have known. She
lives 50
feet
away
,
for
god's sakes.
SUSAN: Gabby
, the woman
killed herself. Something must've been going on.
SUSAN: Oh, I wouldn't eat
that if I were you.
MIKE:
Why?
SUSAN: I made it,
trust me. Hey
, hey
, do you
have a death wish?
MIKE:
No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can
screw up macaroni and cheese.
MIKE: Oh my god. How did you?it tastes
like it's burnt and undercooked.
SUSAN: Y
eah, I get that a
lot. Here you go.
MIKE:
Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino, I just rented out the
Sim's house next door.
SUSAN: Susan Meyer, I live across the
street.
MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs.
Huber told me about you, said you illustrate
children's books
SUSAN:
Y
eah I'm very big with the under 5 set.
(MIKE laughs) What do you do?
MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a
clog. Or something.
SUSAN:
(laughs) Now that everybody's seen that I've
brought something, I should probably just throw
this out.
LYNETTE: (to
baby) Ow! Ease up, you little vampire.
MRS. HUBER: Lynette! I've been looking
all over for you.
LYNETTE:
Oh.
MRS. HUBER:Are you
aware of what your sons are doing?
SCA
VO kids: Stop. Arrrggggh.
Hah!
LYNETTE: What are you
doing!? We are at a wake!
PRESTON: When we got here, you said we
could go in the pool.
LYNETTE: I said you could go by the
pool. Do you have your swimsuits on??
PORTER: Y
eah, we put them on
under our clothes just before we left.
LYNETTE: Y
ou three planned
this?? Alright, that's it. Get out!
PORTER: No!
LYNETTE: No? I am your mother.
Y
ou have to do what I say
.
Come on.
PRESTON: We wanna
swim and you can't stop us.
LYNETTE: Here.
LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this
pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here.
Get over here. Get back
or I'll kill
you.
LYNETTE: That's right,
get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get
out.
LYNETTE: Paul. We have
to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your
loss. (to kids) Go!
NARRATOR:
Lynette shouldn't
have been so concerned about
my
husband.
He
had other
things on
his
mind.
Things
below the surface.
NARRATOR:
The
morning
after
my
funeral,
my
friends and neighbours quietly
went back
to their busy,
busy
lives. Some did their cooking.
NARRATOR: And some did
their cleaning.
NARRATOR:
And some did their yoga.
NARRATOR: Others did their homework.
JULIE: Hi.
JULIE: I'm Julie, I kicked my soccer
ball into your backyard.
MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, let's go round and
get it. (to dog) Stay
.
JULIE: His wife died a year ago,
he wanted to stay
in LA but
there were too
many
memories.
He's renting
for
tax purposes, but he's
hoping to buy a place real soon.
SUSAN: I can't believe you went over
there.
JULIE:
Hey
,
I
saw
you
both
flirting
at
the
wake.
Y
ou're
obviously
into
each
other.
Now
that
you
know
he's
single, you can ask him
out.
SUSAN: Julie, I like
Mr. Delfino, I do. It's just, I don't know if I'm
ready to start dating yet.
JULIE:
Ugh, you
need to
get back out there.
Come on. How
long
has
it been since
you're
had sex? (SUSAN's
pen halts
stroke. She turns to look at JULIE, open-mouthed.)
Are you mad that I asked you that?
SUSAN: No, I'm
just
trying to remember.
I don't
wanna talk to
you about
my
love
life anymore,
it
weirds
me
out.
JULIE: I
wouldn't have said anything it's just?
SUSAN: What?
JULIE:
I
heard
Dad's
girlfriend
asking
if
you'd
dated
anyone
since
the
divorce,
and
Dad
said
he
doubted
it.
(SUSAN
looks
down at
her
lap.) And then
they both
laughed. (SUSAN
turns to
look at JULIE,
mouth open
in
indignation. That does it.)
MIKE: Hey
, Susan.
SUSAN: Hi Mike. (smiles) I
brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably
should've brought something by
earlier,
but...
MIKE: Actually,
you're the first in the neighbourhood to stop
by
.
SUSAN:
Really? (She laughs)
NARRATOR: Susan knew she was
lucky
. An eligible bachelor had moved
onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the
first to find out. But she also knew
that good news travels quickly
.
EDIE: (waving as she walks,
holding a dish) Hello there!
NARRATOR:
(slow
motion
shot
of
Edie
jogging
towards
MIKE
and
SUSAN)
Edie
Britt
was
the
most
predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius.
Her conquests were numerous.
NARRATOR:
V
aried?
NARRATOR: And legendary
.
EDIE:
Hi Susan,
I
hope I'm
not
interrupting.
Y
ou
must be Mike
Delfino.
Hi, I'm
Edie.
Britt. I
live over there
(points). Welcome to Wisteria Lane.
NARRATOR: Susan had met the
enemy
, and she was a slut.
MIKE: Thank you, what's this?
EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca.
It's just something I threw together.
MIKE: Thanks, Edie. That's great. Uh,
I'd invite you both in, but I was sorta in the
middle of something.
SUSAN:
Oh, I'm late for an appointment anyway
.
EDIE: Oh, no problem, I
just wanted to say hi.
MIKE: Well, thanks.
NARRATOR: And
just
like
that,
the
race
for Mike Delfino
had
begun. For a
moment, Susan wondered
if
her
rivalry
with Edie would remain friendly.
EDIE:) Oh, Mike. I heard you're a
plumber?
MIKE:
Y
eah.
EDIE: Do
you think you could stop by later tonight and take
a look at my pipes?
NARRATOR: But she was reminded that
when it came to men? Women don't fight fair.
MIKE: Sure.
EDIE: Thanks. Bye Susan.
GABRIELLE: [OS] Y
ou can't
order me around like I'm a child!
CARLOS: Gabrielle...
GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no,
I'm not going.
CARLOS: It's
business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their
wives.
GABRIELLE: Every
time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
CARLOS: I made over
$$200,000 doing business with him last year. If he
wants to grab your ass, you let him.
CARLOS: John!
JOHN: Ow. (turns around to look at
CARLOS) Mr. Solis. Y
ou scared me.
CARLOS: Why is that bush
still there? I told you to dig it up last week.
JOHN: I didn't have time
last week.
CARLOS: I don't
wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it.
GABRIELLE: I really hate
the way you talk to me.
CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent
$$15,000 on your diamond necklace that you
couldn't live without. But
I'm learning to deal with it. So. Can I tell
Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night?
GABRIELLE: John. We have bandages top
shelf in the kitchen.
JOHN:
Thanks, Mrs. Solis.
GABRIELLE: Fine.
I'll
go. But I'm keeping
my back pressed against
the
wall
the
entire
time.
CARLOS: See? Now this
is what a marriage is all about - compromise.
GABRIELLE: Is your finger
ok?
JOHN: Y
eah,
yeah, it's just a small cut.
GABRIELLE:
Let
me
see.
Mmmm. JOHN:
Y
ou know, Mrs. Solis,
uhh, I
really
like
it
when we
hook up. But,
um, you know I
gotta get my work done, I can't afford to lose
this job.
GABRIELLE: This
table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from
Italy
. It cost it $$23,000.
JOHN: Y
ou wanna do it on the
table this time?
GABRIELLE:
Absolutely.
(JOHN takes his
shirt off and kisses GABRIELLE, laying her down on
the table as they start to get it on.)
DANIELLE: Why can't we ever have normal
soup?
BREE: Danielle, there
is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup
that people have heard of? Like, french onion or
navy bean.
BREE: First of
all,
your
father can't eat
onions,
he's deadly allergic.
And I
won't even dignify
your
navy bean
suggestion. So. How's the osso bucco?
ANDREW: It's OK.
BREE: It's OK? Andrew, I
spent 3 hours cooking this
meal. How do
you think
it
makes
me
feel
when you
say
it's OK, in that sullen tone?
ANDREW: Who asked you to
spend 3 hours on dinner? BREE: Excuse me?
ANDREW:
Tim
Harper's
mom
gets
home
from
work,
pops
open
a
can
of
pork
and
beans,
and
boom,
they're
eating, everyone's happy
.
BREE: Y
ou'd
rather I serve pork and beans?
DANIELLE: Apologize now, I am begging.
ANDREW: I'm just saying, do
you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever
just have food?
BREE: Are
you doing drugs?
ANDREW:
What!?
BREE:
Change
in
behaviour
is
one
of
the
warning
signs,
and
you
have
been
as
fresh
as
paint
for
the
last
6
months. That certainly
would explain why you're always locked in the
bathroom.
DANIELLE: Trust
me, that is not what he is doing.
ANDREW: Shut
up. (REX
looks embarrassed.
BREE
glances at
REX, then back
at
ANDREW
incredulously)
Mom, I'm not
the one with the problem here, alright?
Y
ou're the one always acting like she's
running for mayor
of Stepford.
BREE: Rex. Seeing as you're
the head of this household, I would really
appreciate you saying something.
REX: (beat) Pass the salt?
NARRATOR:
Three
days
after
my
funeral,
Lynette
replaced
her
grief
with
a
much
more
useful
emotion
-
indignation.
LYNETTE: Tom, this is my 5th message
and you still haven't called me back. Well, you
must be having a lot of
fun on
your business trip.
I can
only
imagine. Well,
guess
what, the kids and I
wanna
have
some
fun
too, so
unless you call me
back by noon, we are getting on a plane and
joining you.
PRESTON: Mom!
LYNETTE: Not now,
honey
, Mommy's threatening
Daddy
.
PRESTON:
Mom!
LYNETTE: No, I am
not... Where're your brothers?
PORTER: Noodles, my favourite!
SHOPPER: Lynette Scavo?
LYNETTE: (sot to) Crap.
Natalie Klein, I don't believe it!
SHOPPER: Lynette! How long has it been?
LYNETTE:Years! Uh, how are
you, how's the firm?
SHOPPER: Good, everyone misses you.
LYNETTE: Y
eah.
SHOPPER: We all
say
, if you hadn't quit, you'd be
running the place by now.
LYNETTE: Y
eah, well.
SHOPPER: So?how's domestic
life? Don't you just love being a mom?
NARRATOR: And there it was - the
question that Lynette always dreaded.
LYNETTE: ) Well, to be honest...
NARRATOR: To those who
asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So,
Lynette responded as she always did
-
she lied.
LYNETTE: It's the
best job I've ever had.
JOHN: Y
ou know what I don't
get?
GABRIELLE: What?
JOHN: Why you married Mr.
Solis.
GABRIELLE: Well, he
promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
JOHN: Well, did he?
GABRIELLE: Y
es.
JOHN: Then... why aren't
you happy?
GABRIELLE: Turns
out I wanted all the wrong things.
JOHN: So. Do you love him?
GABRIELLE: I do.
JOHN: Well, then, why are we here? Why
are we doing this?
GABRIELLE: Because I don't wanna wake
up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my
brains out.
JOHN:
Hey
, can I have a drag?
GABRIELLE: Absolutely not.
Y
ou are much too young to smoke.
SUSAN: How would you feel about me
using your child support payments for plastic
surgery?
JULIE: Stop being
so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner.
It's no big deal.
SUSAN:
Y
ou're right. )So, is that your project
for school? Y
ou know in 5th grade I
made the white house out of
sugar
cubes.
JULIE: Stop stalling
and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
SUSAN: Tell me again why I
fought for custody of you?
JULIE: Y
ou were using me to
hurt Dad.
SUSAN: Oh,
that're right.
SUSAN: Oh
god.
(JULIE smiles, looking
back down at her project)
SUSAN: (smiles) Hi.
MIKE: Hey
, Susan.
SUSAN: Are you busy?
MIKE: No, not at all,
what's up?
SUSAN:
Well,
I.,
I
just
was
wondering,
if,
um,
if
there
was
any
chance
that,
um,
you
would
uh...
I
just...
wanted
to ask if...
SUSAN: Edie.
What are you...?
EDIE:
I was
making
ambrosia,
and I
made
too
much so
I
thought I'd bring some over to Mike.
What's
going
on?
MIKE: Uh, Susan was just about to ask
me something.
SUSAN: Uh...
I have a clog.
MIKE: Excuse me?
SUSAN: And you're a plumber. Right?
MIKE: Y
eah.
SUSAN: The clog's in the
pipe.
MIKE:
Y
eah, that's usually where they are.
SUSAN: (laughs) Well, I've
got one.
MIKE: Well, let me
get my tools.
SUSAN: Now?
Y
ou wanna come over now? (uh oh.)
Y
-you have company
.
EDIE: I don't mind. MIKE:
Just give me 2 minutes. I'll be right over.
SUSAN: That's it, just
stuff the hair down.
JULIE:
I stuffed it; it's not enough to clog it.
SUSAN: Here, here, look.
Put in this peanut butter. And this cooking oil.
JULIE: Mom, Mom I'm telling
you it's not working.
SUSAN: Uh, oh god. That's him. How am I
gonna stuff up the sink...
MIKE: Well. Here's your problem. Looks
like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks
down there.
SUSAN: I've
told Julie a million times not to play in the
kitchen. Kids, y' know?
SERVER:Alright, I'll go put in your
order. I'll be right back with your drinks and
your plates for the salad bar.
REX: Thank you.
BREE: Andrew, Danielle, napkins?
ANDREW: They have video
games. Can we go play until our food gets here?
BREE: Andrew. This is
family time. I think we should all...
REX:
Go ahead and
play
. BREE: I know that
you
think I'm angry about coming
here, but
I'm
not. I
mean, the
kids wanted a change of pace, something
fun. I
get
it.
Probably
will want something
healthier tomorrow night
though, I'm thinking about chicken?
REX: I want a divorce.I
just can't live in this... this detergent
commercial anymore.
SERVER:The salad bar's right over
there, help yourself.
REX:
Thank you.
BREE: Um. Think
I'll go get your salad for you.
MRS. HUBER:Bree V
an De Kamp!
BREE: Oh,
hello
Mrs.
HuberMRS. HUBER:Oh
we
didn't
get
a chance
to talk at
Mary
Alice's wake. How are
you
doing?
NARRATOR: Bree
longed to share the truth about her husband's
painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting
defeat was not an option.
BREE: Great. Everything is just great.
BREE: Okay
,
well, I got you the honey mustard dressing; the
ranch looked just a little bit suspect.
REX: Are we gonna talk
about what I just said?
BREE:
If
you
think
I'm
gonna
discuss
the
dissolution
of
my
marriage
in
a
place
where
the
restrooms
are
labelled
REX:
What's in this?
BREE: What
do you mean what's in this? It's salad.
REX: With? with onions?
BREE: What?
REX: Y
ou put onions in my
salad!!
BREE: (gasps) No, I
didn't! (realizing) Oh wait?
NARRATOR: The
sound that
awakened
my
son was
something
he'd
heard only
once before,
many
years ago,
when he was quite young.
NARRATOR: But he recognized it
instantly.
NARRATOR: It was
the sound of family secret.
NARRATOR: Seven days after my funeral,
life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal.
Which, for some of
my friends, was
unfortunate.
PARKER:Mommy,
Mommy!
LYNETTE: (sotto) Now
what.
PARKER:Daddy's home!
TOM: (Come on! Is everybody
home?
LYNETTE:
Hey
, yeah!
SCA
VO kids: Y
eah,
yeah!
TOM: Hey!
LYNETTE: I wasn't expecting you for a
week!
TOM: I have to go
back to Frisco in the morning. When I got your
call, you sounded a little frazzled.
LYNETTE: Y
eah! It's been a
little rough!
TOM: Hmm,
yeah, peaches.
PARKER:Daddy
,
Daddy
, did you buy us any presents?
TOM: Oh god, presents. Oh,
wait a minute, lemme see.
SCA
VO kids:
Y
aaaaayyy!
TOM:
But
I'm
not
gonna
give
it
to
you,
unless
you
promise
me
that
you're
gonna
go
outside
right
now
and
practice
throwing for 20 minutes, okay? Y
ou
promise?
SCA
VO
kids: Y
eah, yeah, yeah!!
TOM: Get out! Who's open! Go left!
SCA
VO kids:
Y
eah yeah yeah!
TOM: Deeper, deeper, touchdown!
LYNETTE: Oh my god, oh
my
, oh!
LYNETTE:
Ooh, you gotta be kidding! I'm exhausted! I look
terrible, I'm covered in peaches!
TOM: Sorry baby
, I gotta
have you.
LYNETTE: Well, is
it ok if I just lie here?
TOM: Absolutely
.)
LYNETTE: I love you.
TOM: I
love
you
more.
L
YNETTE: Oh
wait, I
gotta tell
you, I
was having trouble with swelling, so the
doctor
took me off the pill,
so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
TOM: Condom?
LYNETTE: Y
eah.
TOM: What's the big deal? Let's risk
it.
LYNETTE:
Let's risk it?
TOM: Y
eah.
LYNETTE: Ooh!
REX: I can't believe you tried to kill
me.
BREE:
Y
es,
well,
I
feel
badly
about
that.
I
told
you,
Mrs.
Huber
came
over
and
I
got
distracted.
It
was
a
mistake.
REX: Since when do you make
mistakes?
BREE: (laughing)
What's that supposed to mean?
REX:
It
means
I'm
sick
of
you
being
so
damn
perfect
all
the
time.
I-I-I'm
sick
of
the
bizarre
way
your
hair
doesn't move. I'm sick
of you making the bed in the morning before I've
even used the bathroom. Y
ou're, you're
this plastic suburban housewife with
her pearls and her spatula, who says things like
We owe the Hendersons a
dinner? Where's
the woman I
fell
in
love with? Who,
who
used to burn
the toast,
drink
milk out of
the
carton,
and laugh? I need her. Not this
cold perfect thing you've become.
BREE: These need water.
NARRATOR: BREE sobbed quietly in the
bathroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never
knew. Because when
Bree finally
emerged, she was perfect.
GABRIELLE: I found my earrings, we can
go now.
CARLOS: Was John
here today?
GABRIELLE:
Well, yeah.
CARLOS: The
lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it; we're getting
a real gardener.
GABRIELLE:
Why??
CARLOS: Are you deaf?
I just said, he's not doing his job.
GABRIELLE: It's dark, you just can't
see that the lawn has been mowed.
CARLOS: It hasn't been. Feel this
grass.
GABRIELLE: I'm not
feeling the grass! Let's just get going, come on!
We're late!
CARLOS: Take
care of it.
V
ALET: Yes, sir.
CARLOS: There's Tanaka. Time for me to
go into my dance.
GABRIELLE: (smiles) Good luck,
sweetheart.
GABRIELLE: Oh,
excuse me.
W
AITER: Ma'am?
GABRIELLE:
Y
ou
see
that
man
who
just
walked
away?
Can
you
make
sure
he
has
a
drink
in
his
hand
all.
night.
longWaiter: (smiles) Y
es,
ma'am.
MRS. HUBER:Susan?
Susan!
SUSAN: (smiles) Oh.
Mrs. Huber, how you doing?
MRS. HUBER:Not too well, I'm afraid.
I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach.
SUSAN: It's upset?
MRS.
HUBER:Y
eah,
I
had
the
worst
macaroni
and
cheese
at
the
wake,
it's
been
running
through
my
system
ever
since.
SUSAN: (sympathetic
smile) Oh.
MRS. HUBER:And I
need to be at my best tonight. Edie Britt's son is
spending the night tonight.
SUSAN: (raises her eyebrows) He's
spending the night?
MRS.
HUBER:Apparently,
Edie
is
having
a
gentleman
friend
over
on
dinner,
and
I
think
she
plans
on
entertaining into the wee
hours, if you know what I mean.
MRS. HUBER:Oh, here's some antacid.
Have you ever tried this?
SUSAN: I can't believe it. This can't
be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me,
he just can't!
JULIE: I
don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just...
having dinner.
JULIE:
Y
ou're right. They're doing it.
SUSAN: Edie?
SUSAN: Edie? Hello..?
SUSAN: Anybody home? I need to borrow
sugar?
EDIE: [OS] Oh! Oh my
god!
NARRATOR: And just
like that, the possibility that Susan had clung
onto, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone
forever. And despite the precariousness
of the situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her
loss.
SUSAN: Oh... Oh! Oh!
NARRATOR: It didn't take
long for Susan to realize, this was just not her
night.
EDIE: (OS) Is
somebody out there? Oh my god, there's smoke!
MRS. HUBER:...candles
unattended in the den. Paramedics say she was
lucky
, she could've been killed!
LYNETTE: She was having sex
with some guy when the fire started.
GABRIELLE: What happened to him?
LYNETTE: He got smoke
inhalation, he's at the hospital.
SUSAN: Oh..
BREE: Susan, are you alright?
Y
ou look awful.
SUSAN: I'm fine. I'm fine. I just feel
really bad for Edie.
GABRIELLE: Oh, don't worry about Edie.
She's a strong lady
.
LYNETTE: Absolutely
. She'll
get through this. She'll find a way to survive.
BREE: We all do.
GABRIELLE: Come on.
SUSAN: (surprised) Mike!
NARRATOR: And suddenly,
there he was, like a phoenix rising from the
ashes.
SUSAN: I, I thought
you were... um. Where were you?
MIKE: I just got back from the movies.
Edie had a fire, huh?
SUSAN: Y
eah.
Y
eah, but she's fine now. Everything's
fine now.
NARRATOR: And
just like that, Susan was happy
. Life
was suddenly full of possibilities.
NARRATOR: Not to mention a few
unexpected surprises.
MAN:
Hello?
MIKE:
Hey
, it's me.
MAN: Do you have anything yet.
MIKE: No, not yet, but
don't worry
. I'm definitely getting
closer.
SUSAN: I brought
some champagne. I thought we should all have a
toast.
NARRATOR:
The
next day
,
my
friends came together
to pack away
my clothes,
my personal belongings, and
what was left of my life.
SUSAN:
Alright
ladies,
lift
'em
up.
To
Mary
Alice,
good
friend
and
neighbour.
Wherever
you
are,
we
hope
you've found peace.
LYNETTE: To Mary Alice.
GABRIELLE: To Mary Alice.
LYNETTE: Let's get this
show on the road.
GABRIELLE:
Y
ou
guys
check
out
Mary
Alice's
clothes?
Size
8,
hah!
She
always
told
me
she
was
a
size
6.
Guess we found the
skeleton in her closet.
NARRATOR: Not quite, Gabrielle, not
quite.
GABRIELLE: What's
that?
BREE: It's a letter,
addressed to Mary Alice.