爱的力量 The Power of Love

爱的力量

The Power of Love

Love

is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The

more

connected

you

are,

the

healthier

you

will

be

both

physically

and

emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.

It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to

experience

in

your

life.

Love

is

probably

the

best

antidepressant

there

is

because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved.

Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by

others. They also are very self- focused, making them less attractive to others

and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.

There

is

a

mythology

in

our

culture

that

love

just

happens.

As

a

result,

the

depressed

often

sit

around

passively

waiting

for someone

to

love

them.

But

love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and

be active and learn a variety of specific skills.

Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that

love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love

consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason

so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability,

like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification.

We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.

One

consequence

is

that

when

we

hit

real

love

we

become

upset

and

disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal.

Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what

we

think

our

ideal

of

romance

should

be,

without

realizing

our

ideal

is

misplaced.

It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward

off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out

of life

—

to love and be loved.

*

Recognize

the

difference

between

limerance

and

love.

Limerance

is

the

psychological

state

of

deep

infatuation.

It

feels

good

but

rarely

lasts.

Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are

flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can

progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't

always evolve into love.

* Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or

emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it

skills

of

love

you

virtually

guarantee

that

you

will

be

depressed,

not

only

because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many

failure experiences.

* Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop

trust

and

intensify

connection.

The

more

you

can

communicate

the

less

depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.

There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or

close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface.

The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they

don't distance you or kill the relationship.

You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that

person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are

known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a

common ground that works for both.

Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how

you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really

need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in

our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you

make

sure

you're

also

doing

enough

self-care.

Help

someone

else.

Depression

keeps

people

so

focused

on

themselves

they

don't

get

outside

themselves

enough

to

be

able

to

learn

to

love.

The

more

you

can

focus

on

others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to

do in love. Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved

one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as

of

your

own.

What

are

they

really

saying,

what

are

they

really

needing?

Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality. Actively

dispute

your

internal

messages

of

inadequacy.

Sensitivity

to

rejection

is

a

cardinal feature

of

depression.

As

a

consequence

of

low

self-esteem,

every

relationship

blip

is

interpreted

far

too

personally

as

evidence

of

inadequacy.

Quick

to

feel

rejected

by

a

partner,

you

then

believe

it

is

the

treatment

you

fundamentally

deserve.

But

the

rejection

really

originates

in

you,

and

the

feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.

Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it.

being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake.

about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn.

reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way

and you can find and keep the love that you need.

爱对你的情绪和身体来说，

跟氧气一样重要。

这点无需置疑。

你和别人关 系越紧

密，就会越健康，不仅在身体上情绪方面也是如此。而如果与别人越疏离，对健< /p>

康的威胁就会越大。