Love is a Fallacy原文

Love is a Fallacy

Max Shulman

1 Charles Lamb, as merry and

enterprising

a month of Sundays

a fellow as you will meet in

a month of Sundays

, unfettered the informal

essay

with

his

memorable

Old

China

and

Dream's

Children.

There

follows

an

informal

essay

that

ventures

even

beyond

Lamb's

frontier,

indeed,

flaccid

2 Vague though its category, it is without doubt an essay. It develops

an argument; it cites instances; it reaches a conclusion. Could

Carlyle

do

more? Could

Ruskin

?

3 Read, then, the following essay which undertakes to demonstrate

that logic, far from being a dry,

pedantic

discipline

, is a living, breathing

thing, full of beauty, passion, and

trauma

--Author's Note

4

Cool

was

I

and

logical.

Keen,

calculating,

perspicacious

,

acute

and

astute

--I

was

all

of

these.

My

brain

was

as

powerful

as

a

dynamo,

as

precise

as

a

chemist's

scales,

as

penetrating

as

a

scalpel

.

And-- think of it! --I was only eighteen.

5 It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect. Take, for

example,

Petey

Butch,

my

roommate

at

the

University

of

Minnesota.

Same age, same background, but dumb as an ox. A nice enough young

fellow,

you

understand,

but

nothing

upstairs.

Emotional

type.

Unstable.

Impressionable.

Worst

of

all,

a

faddist

.

Fads,

I

submit

,

are

the

very

negation of reason. To be swept up in every new craze that comes along,

to

surrender

yourself

to

idiocy

just

because

everybody

else

is

doing

it--this, to me, is the acme of mindlessness. Not, however, to Petey.

6 One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed with an expression of

such

distress

on

his

face

that

I

immediately

diagnosed

appendicitis

.

laxative

. I'll get a doctor.

7

8

9

raccoon

coat,

10 I perceived that his trouble was not physical, but mental.

do you want a raccoon coat?

11

should

have

known

it,

he

cried,

pounding

his

temples.

should

have

known

they'd

come

back

when

the

Charleston

came

back.

Like

a

fool

I

spent

all

my

money

for

textbooks,

and

now

I

can't

get

a

raccoon coat.

12

incredulously

,

wearing raccoon coats again?

13

the

Big

Men

on

Campus

are

wearing

them.

Where've

you

been?

14

on Campus

15 He leaped from the bed and paced the room,

raccoon coat,

16

They

shed.

They

smell

bad.

They

weight

too

much.

They're

unsightly.

They--

17

to do. Don't you want to be in the swim?

18

19

Anything!

20

My

brain,

that

precision

instrument

,

slipped

into

high

gear.

21

22 I stroked my chin thoughtfully. It so happened that I knew where

to

set

my

hands

on

a

raccoon

coat.

My

father

had

had

one

in

his

undergraduate days; it lay now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also

happened that Petey

had something I wanted. He didn't have it exactly,

but at least he had first rights on it. I refer to his girl, Polly Espy.

23 I had long

coveted

Polly Espy. Let me emphasize that my desire

for this young woman was not emotional in nature. She was, to be sure, a

girl who excited the emotions but I was not one to let my heart rule my

head. I wanted Polly for a shrewdly calculated, entirely

cerebral

reason.

24 I was a freshman in law school. In a few years I would be out in

practice. I was well aware of the importance of the right kind of wife in

furthering a lawyer's career. The successful lawyers I had observed were,

almost

without

exception,

married

to

beautiful,

gracious,

intelligent

women. With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly.

25

Beautiful she

was.

She

was

not

yet

of

pin- up

proportions

but

I

felt sure that time would supply the lack She already had the makings.

26 Gracious she was. By gracious I mean full of graces. She had an

erectness of carriage, an ease of bearing, a poise that clearly indicated the

best of breeding, At table her manners were exquisite. I had seen her at

the Kozy Kampus Korner eating the specialty of the house--a sandwich

that contained scraps of

pot roast

, gravy, chopped nuts, and a dipper of

sauerkraut

--without even getting her fingers moist.

27

Intelligent

she

was

not.

in

fact,

she

veered

in

the

opposite

direction. But I believed that under my guidance she would

smarten up

.

At any rate, it was worth a try. It is, after all, easier to make a beautiful

dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

28

29

call it love. Why?

30

you,

I

asked,

any

kind

of

formal

arrangement

with

her? I mean are you going steady or anything like that?

31

Why?

32

fondness?

33

34 I nodded with satisfaction.

picture, the field would be open. Is that right?

35

36

the closet.

37

38

39

you couldn't get some money from your old man, could you, and lend it

to me so I can buy a raccoon coat?

40

may

do

better than that,

I said

with

a

mysterious wink

and

closed my bag and left.

41

open the suitcase and revealed the huge, hairy, gamy object that my father

had worn in his

Stutz Bearcat

in 1925.

42

Holy Toledo

!

reverently

. He plunged his hands into

the raccoon coat and then his face.

twenty times.

43

44

pelt

to him. Then a canny

look came into his eyes.

45

mincing no words

.

46

47

48 He flung the coat from him.

49 I shrugged.

your business.

50 I sat down in a chair and pretended to read a book, but out of the

corner

of

my

eye

I

kept

watching

Petey.

He

was

a

torn

man.

First

he

looked at the coat with the expression of a waif at a bakery window. Then

he turned away and set his jaw resolutely. Then he looked back at the coat,

with even more longing in his face. Then he turned away, but with not so

much

resolution

this

time.

Back

and

forth

his

head

swiveled

,

desire

waxing

,

resolution

waning

.

Finally

he

didn't

turn

away

at

all;

he

just

stood and stared with mad lust at the coat.

51

going steady or anything like that.

52

53

54

55

casual kick

--just a few laughs, that's all.

56

57 He complied. The coat bunched high over his ears and dropped

all

the

way

down

to

his

shoe

tops.

He

looked

like

a

mound

of

dead

raccoons.

58 I rose from my chair.

59 He swallowed.

60 I had my first date with Polly the following evening. This was in

the nature of a survey; I wanted to find out just how much work I had to

do to get her mind up to the standard I required. I took her first to dinner.

< /p>

（

=delicious

）

dinner,

restaurant.

Then

I

took

her

to

a

movie.

that

was

a

marvy

(=marvelous) movie,

home.

me good night.

61

I

went

back

to

my

room

with

a

heavy

heart.

I

had

gravely

underestimated

the

size

of

my

task.

This

girl's

lack

of

information

was

terrifying. Nor would it be enough merely to supply her with information

First she had to be taught to think. This

loomed

as a project of no small

dimensions, and at first I was tempted to give her back to Petey. But then

I got to thinking about her abundant physical charms and about the way

she

entered

a

room

and

the

way

she

handled

a

knife

and

fork,

and

I

decided to make an effort.

62 I went about it, as in all things, systematically. I gave her a course

in logic. It happened that I, as a law student, was taking a course in logic

myself, so I had all the facts at my finger tips.

I

picked

her

up

on

our

next

date,

we

are

going

over

to

the

Knoll

and talk.

63

girl: you would go far to find another so agreeable.

64 We went to the Knoll, the campus trysting place, and we sat down

under an old oak, and she looked at me expectantly.

to talk about?

65

66

She

thought

this

over

for

a

minute

and

decided

she

liked

it.

67

I

said,

clearing

my

throat,

the

science

of

thinking.

Before

we

can

think

correctly,

we

must

first

learn

to

recognize

the

common fallacies of logic. These we will take up tonight.

68

Wow- dow

!

69 I winced, but went bravely on.

called

Dicto Slmpliciter

.

70

71,

Simpliciter

means

an

argument

based

on

an

unqualified

generalization.

For

example:

Exercise

is

good.

Therefore

everybody should exercise.

72

mean it builds the body and everything.

73

is an unqualified generalization. For instance, if you have heart disease,

exercise is bad, not good. Many people are ordered by their doctors not to

exercise.

You

must

qualify

the

generalization.

You

must

say

exercise

is

usually

good,

or

exercise

is

good

for

most

people.

Otherwise

you

have

committed a Dicto Simplioiter. Do you see?

74

75

when she desisted, I continued:

Hasty

Generalization

.

Listen

carefully:

You

can't

speak

French.

I

can't

speak

French.

Petey

Burch

can't

speak

French.

I

must

therefore

conclude

that

nobody at the University of Minnesota can speak French.

76

77 I hid my exasperation.

reached

too

hastily.

There

are

too

few

instances

to

support

such

a

conclusion.