-
101
The
One
Where
Monica
Gets
a
New
Roommate
(The
Pilot-The
Uncut
101
试播
Version)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey,
Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！
Monica:
There's nothing to
tell! He's just some guy I work with!
少
来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你
Joey:
Come
on, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta
be something wrong
交往的男人一定有问题！
with
him!
打住，乔伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又
Chan
dler:
All
right
Joey,
be
nice.
So
does
he
have
a
hump
?
A
hump
and
a
带假发？
hairpiece
?
慢着，他吃粉笔吗？
Phoebe:
Wait, does he eat
chalk
?
(They all stare,
bemused
.)
Phoebe:
Just,
'cause,
I
don't
want
her
to
go
through
what
I
went
through
with
我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。
Carl- oh!
各位别急，
这不
算约会。
我们不过是出去吃
Monica:
Okay,
everybody
relax.
This
is
not
even
a
date.
It's
just
two
people
晚餐，而且不做爱。
going
out to dinner and- not having sex.
听起来好像是说我的约会。
Chandler:
Sounds like a date
to me.
[Time Lapse]
记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，
突然
Chand
ler:
Alright
, so
I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the
middle of the
发现自己全身赤裸。
cafeteria
, and I realize I
am totally
naked
.
我做过那样的梦。
All:
Oh, yeah. Had that
dream.
我低头一看，看见有一支电话……在那儿。
Chandler:
Then I look down,
and I realize there's a phone... there.
而不是……？
Joey:
Instead of...?
没错。
Chandler:
That's right.
我没做过那样的梦
,
没有。
Joey:
Never had that
dream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
All of a sudden
, the phone
starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do,
那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每
everybody
starts looking at me.
个人都开始望着我。
Monica:
And they weren't
looking at you before?!
他们以前不看你吗？！
Chandler:
Finally,
I
figure
I'd
better answer it, and it
turns
out
it's my
mother,
终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，
which is
very-very
weird
, because-
she never calls me!
我感到很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给<
/p>
[
Time Lapse
, Ross
has entered.]
我！
Ross:
(
mortified
) Hi.
嗨。
Joey:
This guy says hello, I
wanna kill myself.
这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。
Monica:
Are you okay,
sweetie
?
你还好吧？
Ross:
I
just
feel
like
someone
reached
down
my
throat,
grabbed
my
small
我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，
< br>抓起我的肠
intestine
, pulled it
out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
子，
从我的口中取出，
然后绑在我脖上……
Chandler:
Cookie?
饼干？
Monica:
(explaining to the
others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。
Joey:
Ohh.
-
我帮你泡杯咖啡，
Monica:
(to Ross) Let me get
you some coffee.
谢了。
Ross:
Thanks.
不要…
…别清理我的灵气。
可是……别碰我
Phoebe:
Ooh! Oh! (She starts to
pluck
at the air just in
front of Ross.)
的灵气就是了。
Ross:
No, no don't! Stop
cleansing
my
aura
! No, just leave my aura
alone, okay?
好吧，保持晦气！
Phoebe:
Fine!
Be
murky
!
我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。
Ross:
I'll be fine, alright?
Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
-
不，你不会的，没错，
Monica:
No you don't.
-
我不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！
Ross:
No I don't,
to hell with
her, she left
me!
而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。
Joey:
And you never knew she
was a
lesbian
...
没有！！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个话
Ross:
No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep
fixating
on that? She didn't know,
题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。
how should I know?
Chandler:
Sometimes I wish I
was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I
say
that out loud?
Ross:
I told mom and dad
last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica:
Oh really, so that
hysterical
phone call I got
from a woman at
sobbing
3:00
A.M.,
never
have
grandchildren,
I'll
never
have
grandchildren.
was
what?
A wrong number?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
Alright
Ross,
look. You're
feeling
a
lot
of
pain
right
now.
You're
angry.
You're hurting. Can I
tell you what the answer is?
(Ross
gestures
his
consent
.)
Joey:
Strip joint! C'mon,
you're single! Have some
hormones
!
Ross:
I
don't
want
to
be
single,
okay?
I
just...
I
just-
I
just
wanna
be
married
again!
(Rachel enters in a
wet
wedding dress
and starts
to search the room.)
Chandler:
And I just want a
million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?!
Rachel:
Oh God
Monica
hi!
Thank
God!
I
just
went
to
your
building
and
you
weren't
there and then this guy with a big
hammer
said you might be here and you
are, you are!
Waitress:
Can I get you some
coffee?
Monica:
(pointing at
Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is
Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor.
(to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler,
and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember
my brother Ross?
Rachel:
Hi, sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(They
go
to
hug
but
Ross's
umbrella
opens.
He
sits
back
down
defeated
again.
A moment of silence follows as Rachel
sits and the others expect her to
explain.)
Monica:
So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for
four wet
bridesmaids
?
Rachel:
Oh God... well, it
started about a half hour before the wedding. I
was in
the room where we were keeping
all the presents, and I was looking at this
gravy
boat.
This
really
gorgeous
Lamauge
gravy
boat.
When
all
of
a
sudden-
(to
the
waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet
'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
on by this gravy boat than by Barry!
And then I got really
freaked
out
, and that's
when it hit
me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.
Y'know, I mean, I
always knew looked
familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of
there, and I
started
wondering
'Why
am
I
doing
this,
and
who
am
I
doing
this
for?'.
(to
Monica) So anyway
I just
didn't know where to go, and I know that
you and I
have kinda
drifted apart
, but you're
the only person I knew who lived here in the
city.
Monica:
Who
wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel:
Ooh, I was kinda
hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is
there and watching a Spanish Soap on
TV
and are trying to
figure out
what is going on.]
Monica:
Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
pipe organ
, and she's really
not happy about it.
Chandler:
(
imitating
the characters)
Tuna
or egg salad?
Decide!
Ross:
(in
a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is
having.
Rachel:
(on phone)
Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I
just don't love
him. Well, it matters
to me!
有时真希望自己也是个女同志。
我刚刚大声
说出来了吗？
昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。
真的吗，
凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女
人歇斯底里的向我
哭诉，
“
我不能抱孙子了，
我不能抱孙子了。
”
那是什么？打错了？
对不起。
别闷闷
不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一
肚子火
,
< br>心如刀割。能告诉你解决之道吗？
脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。
我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。
我只想要一百万！
-
瑞秋？！
-
天啊，莫妮卡，谢天谢地！我到过你的住
< br>处，
你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你
可能会在这儿
，结果你真的在这儿。
想来杯咖啡吗？
无咖啡因的。各位，
她叫瑞秋，另一位从林
肯高中生存下来的人。
这位叫钱德勒，<
/p>
菲比，
乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？
当然。
嗨。
你想现在告诉我们，还是等伴娘来再说？
婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。
我在堆放礼物
的房间里，
看着船形卤肉盘，
非常漂亮的船
形卤肉盘，
突然间……
有没有代糖？我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更
能引起我的
“
性趣
”<
/p>
，我自己都吓了一跳，
巴瑞愈看愈像猪
头先生。
我一直都认为他很
眼熟。总之
,
我必须离开。我开始想，我为
何这么做？我为谁这样做？于是
我不知该
走往何处，
我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是
我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。
好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。
这件事就甭提啦。
我猜他送她一台管风琴，她肯定不喜欢，
金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉？快决定！
我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。
爸，
我不能嫁给他……对不起，我只是不爱
他。对，是我的问题！<
/p>
(The scene on TV
has changed to show two women, one is holding her
hair.)
Phoebe:
If I
let go of
my
hair, my head will
fall off
.
Chandler:
(re
TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Joey:
I say push
her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and
Joey:
Push her down the
stairs! Push her down
the stairs! Push
her down the stairs!
(She is pushed
down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel:
C'mon Daddy, listen
to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life,
everyone has
always told me, 'You're a
shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a
shoe!'. And
today I just stopped and I
said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I
wanna
be a- a
purse
, y'know? Or a- or a
hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a
hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a
metaphor
, Daddy!
Ross:
You can see where he'd
have trouble.
Rachel:
Look
Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay
here with Monica.
Monica:
Well, I guess we've
established who's staying here with Monica...
Rachel:
Well, maybe that's
my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money.
Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a
paper bag.]
Monica:
Just
breathe,
breathe..
that's
it.
Just
try
to
think
of
nice
calm
things...
Phoebe:
(sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
kittens, (Rachel and Monica
turn to
look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-
something with mittens... La la
la
la...something and noodles with string.
These are a few...
Rachel:
I'm all better now.
Phoebe:
(
grins
and walks to the
kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica:
Okay, look, this is
probably
for the best
,
y'know? Independence. Taking
control of
your life.
The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey:
(comforting
her)
And
hey,
you
need
anything,
you
can
always
come
to
Joey. Me and Chandler live across the
hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica:
Joey, stop hitting
on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey:
What, like there's a
rule or something?
(The door buzzer
sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler:
Please don't do
that again, it's a
horrible
sound.
Paul:
(over the
intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica:
Oh God, is it 6:30?
Buzz him in
!
Joey:
Who's Paul?
Ross:
Paul the Wine Guy,
Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.
Joey:
Wait. Your
'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine
Guy?
Ross:
He finally asked
you out?
Monica
: Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh, this is a
Dear Diary moment.
Monica:
Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel:
Please, no, go,
that'd be fine!
Monica:
(to
Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to
stay?
Ross:
(choked voice)
That'd be good...
Monica:
(horrified) Really?
Ross:
(normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe:
What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot?
(Chandler doesn't know.)
如果我没了头发，
还不如去死。
她不该穿那条裤子。
我建议推她下楼，
推她下楼！推她下楼！推她下楼！
爸，你听我说……大家这样评价我这一辈
子：
< br>你是一只鞋……今天我倒想看看如果我
不再是鞋会怎样。
我说如果我想当皮包呢？
或是帽子呢？不，
< br>我不需你帮我买帽子。我
说我是一顶帽子。爸，这是一种比喻。
< br>
你看他也有些问题。
爸，<
/p>
这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在
这儿。
我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这儿。
或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。
等一下，等一下……我说的是或许！！
深呼吸，
就这样。
试着想着美好的事物……
< br>
玫瑰上的雨滴，
猫嘴上的胡须，门铃和雪橇
之类的。啦
啦
啦……还有手套……
我现在好多了。
我的功劳。
或许这样最好，要自立，决定自己的事情。
有任何需要找乔伊准没错。
我和钱德
勒就住
在对面，而且他经常不在家。
乔伊
,
少趁虚而入了，
今天是她大喜的
日子。
什么？有规定不能吗？
别再这样，声音很刺耳。
我是保罗。
天啊，
< br>6:30
了吗？让他进来！
保罗是谁？调酒的那个保罗？
或许吧。
等等
,
你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保
罗约会吧？
他终于开口约你了？对。
终于被你等到了。
瑞秋，等等，我可以取消。
不用了，你去吧，我不会有事的。
罗斯，你没事吧。你要我留下来吗？
那样最好……
真的吗？
-
假的，去吧！是保罗，调酒师耶！
什
么意思？他是卖酒的，
喝酒的，还是评酒
的？
< br>
(There's a knock on the door and
it's Paul.)
Monica:
Hi,
come
in!
Paul,
this
is..
(They
are
all
lined
up
next
to
the
door.)...
everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All:
Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine
Guy! Hey!
Chandler:
I'm
sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica:
Okay, umm-umm, I'll
just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go
ah...
Ross:
A
wandering
?
Monica:
Change!
Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two
seconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh, I just
pulled out four
eyelashes
.
That can't be good.
(Monica goes to
change.)
Joey:
Hey, Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here's a little
tip
, she really likes it
when you
rub
her neck in the
same
spot
over
and
over and over again
until it starts to get a little red.
Monica:
(yelling from the
bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Ross:
So Rachel, what're
you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel:
Well, I was kinda
supposed to be headed for Aruba
on my
honeymoon
,
so nothing!
Ross:
Right,
you're
not
even
getting
your
honeymoon,
God..
No,
no,
although,
Aruba, this time of year... talk about
your- (thinks) -big
lizards
... Anyway, if you
don't feel like being alone tonight,
Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me
put together my new furniture.
Chandler:
(
deadpan
) Yes, and we're
very excited about it.
Rachel:
Well
actually
thanks,
but
I
think
I'm
just
gonna
hang
out
here
tonight.
It's been kinda a
long day.
Ross:
Okay, sure.
Joey:
Hey Pheebs, you wanna
help?
Phoebe:
Oh, I wish I
could, but I don't want to.
Commercial
Break
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is
singing for change.]
Phoebe:
(singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is
a wondrous work of
art, but your love
oh your love, your love...is like a giant
pigeon...crapping on my
heart.
La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her
some change and to that guy) Thank
you.
(sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene:
Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling
furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to
attach a brackety
thing
to
the
side
things,
using
a
bunch
of
these
little
worm
guys.
I
have
no
brackety
thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot
feel my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are
finishing assembling the bookcase.)
Joey:
I'm thinking we've got
a bookcase here.
Chandler:
It's a beautiful thing.
Joey:
(picking up a leftover
part) What's this?
Chandler:
I would have to say that is an
'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey:
Which goes where?
Chandler:
I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross
is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey:
Done with the
bookcase!
Chandler:
All
finished!
Ross:
(clutching
a
beer
can
and
sniffing)
This
was
Carol's
favorite
beer.
She
always drank it out of
the can, I should have known.
请进！
保罗，这位是……
……各位，各位，他就是保罗。
保罗……调酒大师。
抱歉，我没听清楚你名字。保罗，是吗？
我马上就好，我去，去……
神魂恍惚啦？
换衣服！请坐，两秒钟。
我刚拔掉四根睫毛，不妙。
嗨，保罗！
嗯，有何指教？
一个小秘密，莫妮卡
其实就喜欢这样，
你摩
擦她脖子的同一个地方，
反反复复，
直到那
里开始有点发红。
< br>
乔伊你给我闭嘴！
瑞秋，你打算如何渡过今晚？
我应该
在前往阿鲁巴渡蜜月的途中，
因此没
了！
我懂，你没去渡蜜月。虽然阿鲁巴在此
时……有很多……大
蜥蜴，
如果你今晚不想
独处，
乔伊和钱
德勒要到我那儿帮我组合新
家俱，
对，我们都相当兴奋。
谢谢，
但我今晚想待在这儿，
我折磨了一天。
好吧，当然。
菲此，想帮忙吗？
我可以去，但我不去。
爱情似炎炎夏日中的阵雨般美妙，
love is a wondrous work of art,
but your
love
oh
your
love,your love...
is
like a giant
pigeon...crapping
on
my
heart.
啦
-
啦<
/p>
-
啦
-
啦
-
啦
-
谢谢。
我应该用蜗杆将托架装在侧面
，
但我没看见
托架和蜗杆，而且，我的脚好麻。
我想我们做好书架了。
真漂亮。
这是什么？
我只能说这是个
“
L
”
型托架。
是哪儿的？
我也不知道。
书架做好了！终于做好了！
这是卡罗最爱喝的啤酒。
她总是不用
杯子喝，我早应该看出蛛丝马
迹。
嗨…………
Joey:
Hey-hey-hey-hey, if
you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta
here.
Chandler:
Yes, please
don't spoil all this fun.
Joey:
Ross, let me ask you a
question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the
good
TV- what did you get?
Ross:
You guys.
Chandler:
Oh, God.
Joey:
You got screwed.
Chandler:
Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul
are eating.]
Monica:
Oh my
God!
Paul:
I know, I know,
I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on
when she
started
going
to
the
dentist
four
and
five
times
a
week.
I
mean,
how
clean
can
teeth
get?
Monica:
My brother's
going through that right now, he's such a mess.
How did
you get through it?
Paul:
Well, you might try
accidentally breaking something valuable of hers,
say
her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul:
(laughing) That's one
way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Monica:
You actually broke
her watch?
Wow!
The worst
thing I ever did was,
I-I shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul:
Ooh, steer clear of
you.
Monica:
That's right.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on
the phone
and pacing.]
Rachel:
Barry, I'm sorry...
I am so sorry... I know you probably think that
this is
all about what I said the other
day about you making love with your socks on, but
it isn't... it isn't, it's about me,
and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.)
Hi,
machine cut me off again...
anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is
going to
be incredibly lucky to become
Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.
And
not
that
I
have
any
idea
who
me
is
right
now,
but
you
just
have
to
give
me
a
chance
too... (The maching cuts her off again and she
redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment;
Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working
on some more furniture.]
Ross:
I'm divorced!
I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Joey:
Shut up!
Chandler:
You must stop!
(Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer
and it collapses.)
Ross:
That only took me an
hour.
Chandler:
Look,
Ross,
you
gotta
understand,
between
us
we
haven't
had
a
relationship
that
has
lasted
longer
than
a
Mento.
You
,
however
have
had
the
love of a woman for four
years.
Four years of
closeness and sharing at the end
of
which she ripped your heart out, and that is why
we don't do it!
I don't think
that was my point!
Ross:
You know what the
scariest part is? What if there's only one woman
for
everybody,
y'know?
I
mean
what
if
you
get
one
woman-
and
that's
it?
Unfortunately in my case, there was
only one woman- for her...
Joey:
What are you talking
about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's
only
one flavor of ice cream for you.
Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of
flavors
out
there.
There's
Rocky
Road,
and
Cookie
Dough,
and
Bing!
Cherry
Vanilla. You could get 'em with
Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
如果你再这样，我们就走了。
对啊，请不要破坏这里的乐趣。
罗斯，我问你一个问题。
她分得家俱，音响和好电视。
你分得什么？
你们。
天啊。
你昏头了吧。
嗯，天啊！
嗯，天啊。
我知道，我是个大白痴。
她每周看四五次牙医时我就该了解，
我指牙齿能有多干净？
我哥正承受着这种痛苦，
一副失魂落魄的样子。
你是怎么熬过来的？
你可以不小心砸
烂她贵着的东西，如她
的……
她的……
……腿？
这样也不赖！我……
我砸烂了她的表。
你真的砸烂过她的表？
哇！我做过的最坏的事情是，
我撕碎了男朋友最喜欢的浴巾。
<
/p>
嗯
,
机智脱身。
对啊。
巴瑞，真是对不起。
你一定认为此事与我那次说的话有关，
关于你做爱时，
穿着袜子，
其实不是，
问题出在我身上，我……
答录机又把我挂断了。
不管怎样……瞧瞧，瞧瞧，
我知道某个女孩会不可思议的，
成为
凡可
?
巴瑞太太，
但那不是我，不是我。
而我现在连我自己是谁都不知道，
但你还应该给我一个机会向你……
我离婚啦！
我才
26
岁就离婚啦！
闭嘴！
你还是停下来吧！
我才花了一小时。
看啊，罗斯，你应该理解，
我们认识不是太久，
但你和一个女人相爱已经四年了，
四年的封闭和分享，
最后她把你的心都麻醉了，
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