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《
Friends
》剧本（第一季）
101
The
One
Where
Monica
Gets
a
New
Roommate
(The
Pilot-The Uncut
Version)
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Chandler,
Joey,
Phoebe,
and
Monica
are
there.]
Monica:
There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work
with!
Joey:
C'mon,
you're
going
out
with
the
guy!
There's
gotta
be
something wrong with him!
Chandler:
All right Joey, be
nice.
So does he have a hump? A
hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe:
Wait, does he eat
chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe:
Just, 'cause, I
don't want her to go through what I went
through with Carl- oh!
Monica:
Okay, everybody
relax. This is not even a date. It's just
two people going out to dinner and- not
having sex.
Chandler:
Sounds
like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler:
Alright, so I'm
back in high school, I'm standing in the
middle of the cafeteria, and I realize
I am totally naked.
All:
Oh,
yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler:
Then
I
look
down,
and
I
realize
there's
a
phone...
there.
Joey:
Instead of...?
Chandler:
That's right.
Joey:
Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler:
All of a sudden,
the phone starts to ring. Now I don't
know what to do, everybody starts
looking at me.
Monica:
And they weren't
looking at you before?!
Chandler:
Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's
my
mother,
which
is
very-very
weird,
because-
she
never
calls
me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has
entered.]
Ross:
(mortified)
Hi.
Joey:
This guy says
hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica:
Are you okay,
sweetie?
Ross:
I just feel
like someone reached down my throat, grabbed
my small intestine, pulled it out of my
mouth and tied it around
my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica:
(explaining
to
the
others)
Carol
moved
her
stuff
out
today.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(to Ross) Let me get
you some coffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh! Oh!
(She starts to pluck at the air just in front of
Ross.)
Ross:
No,
no
don't!
Stop
cleansing
my
aura!
No,
just
leave
my
aura
alone, okay?
Phoebe:
Fine!
Be murky!
Ross:
I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope
she'll be very
happy.
Monica:
No you don't.
Ross:
No I don't, to hell
with her, she left me!
Joey:
And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross:
No!!
Okay?!
Why
does
everyone
keep
fixating
on
that?
She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler:
Sometimes I wish I
was a lesbian... (They all stare at
him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross:
I told mom and dad
last night, they seemed to take it pretty
well.
Monica:
Oh
really,
so
that
hysterical
phone
call
I
got
from
a
woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M.,
never have grandchildren.
A
wrong number?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
Alright Ross, look.
You're feeling a lot of pain right now.
You're angry. You're hurting. Can I
tell you what the answer is?
(Ross
gestures his consent.)
Joey:
Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
hormones!
Ross:
I don't want
to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna
be married again!
(Rachel
enters
in
a
wet
wedding
dress
and
starts
to
search
the
room.)
Chandler:
And
I
just
want
a
million
dollars!
(He
extends
his
hand
hopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?!
Rachel:
Oh
God
Monica
hi!
Thank
God!
I
just
went
to
your
building
and
you
weren't
there
and
then
this
guy
with
a
big
hammer said you might be
here and you are, you are!
Waitress:
Can I get you some
coffee?
Monica:
(pointing at
Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody,
this is Rachel, another Lincoln High
survivor. (to Rachel) This is
everybody,
this
is
Chandler,
and
Phoebe,
and
Joey,
and-
you
remember
my brother Ross?
Rachel:
Hi, sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella
opens.
He sits back down
defeated again.
A moment of
silence follows as Rachel sits and
the
others expect her to explain.)
Monica:
So
you
wanna
tell
us
now,
or
are
we
waiting
for
four
wet
bridesmaids?
Rachel:
Oh
God...
well,
it
started
about
a
half
hour
before
the
wedding.
I
was
in
the
room
where
we
were
keeping
all
the
presents,
and
I
was
looking
at
this
gravy
boat.
This
really
gorgeous
Lamauge
gravy
boat.
When
all
of
a
sudden-
(to
the
waitress
that
brought
her
coffee)Sweet
'n'
Lo?-
I
realized
that
I
was more
turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And
then I
got really freaked out, and
that's when it hit me: how much Barry
looks
like
Mr.
Potato
Head.
Y'know,
I
mean,
I
always
knew
looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just
had to get out of there, and I
started
wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing
this
for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I
just didn't know where to go, and I
know that you and I have kinda drifted
apart, but you're the only
person I
knew who lived here in the city.
Monica:
Who wasn't invited
to the wedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,
I
was
kinda
hoping
that
wouldn't
be
an
issue...
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
everyone
is
there
and
watching
a
Spanish
Soap
on
TV
and
are
trying
to
figure
out
what
is
going
on.]
Monica:
Now I'm guessing
that he bought her the big pipe organ,
and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler:
(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?
Decide!
Ross:
(in
a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is
having.
Rachel:
(on phone)
Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I
just don't love him. Well, it matters
to me!
(The
scene
on
TV
has
changed
to
show
two
women,
one
is
holding
her hair.)
Phoebe:
If I let go of my hair, my head will
fall off.
Chandler:
(re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing
those pants.
Joey:
I say
push
her
down
the
stairs.
Phoebe,
Ross,
Chandler,
and
Joey:
Push her
down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push
her down the stairs!
(She is
pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel:
C'mon Daddy, listen
to me! It's like, it's like, all of
my
life, everyone has always told me,
'You're a shoe! You're a shoe,
you're a
shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped
and I said,
'What if I don't wanna be a
shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse,
y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not
saying I want you to buy me a
hat, I'm
saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross:
You can see where he'd
have trouble.
Rachel:
Look
Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay
here
with Monica.
Monica:
Well, I guess we've
established who's staying here with
Monica...
Rachel:
Well,
maybe
that's
my
decision.
Well,
maybe
I
don't
need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said
maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating
into a paper bag.]
Monica:
Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to
think of nice
calm things...
Phoebe:
(sings) Raindrops on
roses and rabbits and
kittens,
(Rachel
and
Monica
turn
to
look
at
her.)
bluebells
and
sleighbells and- something with
mittens... La la la la...something
and
noodles with string.
These are a
few...
Rachel:
I'm all
better now.
Phoebe:
(grins
and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and
Joey.) I helped!
Monica:
Okay,
look,
this
is
probably
for
the
best,
y'know?
Independence.
Taking
control
of
your
life.
The
whole,
'hat'
thing.
Joey:
(comforting
her)
And
hey,
you
need
anything,
you
can
《
Friends
》第一季
1
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always come to Joey. Me and Chandler
live across the hall. And
he's away a
lot.
Monica:
Joey, stop
hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey:
What, like there's a
rule or something?
(The door buzzer
sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler:
Please don't do
that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul:
(over the intercom)
It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica:
Oh God, is it 6:30?
Buzz him in!
Joey:
Who's Paul?
Ross:
Paul the Wine Guy,
Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.
Joey:
Wait. Your 'not a real
date' tonight is with
Paul the Wine
Guy?
Ross:
He finally asked
you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh, this is a
Dear Diary moment.
Monica:
Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel:
Please, no, go,
that'd be fine!
Monica:
(to
Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to
stay?
Ross:
(choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica:
(horrified) Really?
Ross:
(normal voice) No, go
on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe:
What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink it,
or just
complain a lot? (Chandler
doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the
door and it's Paul.)
Monica:
Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined
up next to
the door.)... everybody,
everybody, this is Paul.
All:
Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine
Guy! Hey!
Chandler:
I'm
sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica:
Okay, umm-umm, I'll
just--I'll be right back, I just gotta
go ah, go ah...
Ross:
A wandering?
Monica:
Change!
Okay,
sit
down.
(Shows
Paul
in)
Two
seconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh, I just pulled
out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey:
Hey, Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here's a little tip,
she really likes it when you rub her neck
in the same spot over and over and over
again until it starts to get
a little
red.
Monica:
(yelling from
the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Ross:
So Rachel, what're
you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel:
Well,
I
was
kinda
supposed
to
be
headed
for
Aruba on
my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross:
Right, you're not even
getting your honeymoon, God.. No,
no,
although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about
your- (thinks)
-big lizards... Anyway,
if you don't feel like being alone tonight,
Joey
and
Chandler
are
coming
over
to
help
me
put
together
my
new furniture.
Chandler:
(deadpan) Yes, and
we're very excited about it.
Rachel:
Well actually
thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out
here tonight.
It's been
kinda a long day.
Ross:
Okay, sure.
Joey:
Hey
Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe:
Oh, I wish I could,
but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing
for change.]
Phoebe:
(singing)
Love
is
sweet
as
summer
showers,
love
is
a
wondrous work of art, but
your love oh your love, your love...is
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my
heart.
La-la-la-la-la- (some
guy
gives
her
some
change
and
to
that
guy)
Thank
you.
(sings)
La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene:
Ross's
Apartment,
the
guys
are
there
assembling
furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and
reading
the
instructions)
I'm
supposed
to
attach a brackety thing to the side
things, using a bunch of these
little
worm
guys.
I
have
no
brackety
thing,
I
see
no
whim
guys
whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are finishing
assembling the bookcase.)
Joey:
I'm thinking we've got
a bookcase here.
Chandler:
It's a beautiful thing.
Joey:
(picking up a leftover
part) What's this?
Chandler:
I would have to say that is an
'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey:
Which goes where?
Chandler:
I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross
is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey:
Done with the
bookcase!
Chandler:
All
finished!
Ross:
(clutching
a
beer
can
and
sniffing)
This
was
Carol's
favorite
beer.
She
always drank
it
out of
the
can,
I
should
have
known.
Joey:
Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that
stuff we're
outta here.
Chandler:
Yes, please don't
spoil all this fun.
Joey:
Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
furniture, the
stereo, the good TV-
what did you get?
Ross:
You
guys.
Chandler:
Oh, God.
Joey:
You got screwed.
Chandler:
Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul
are eating.]
Monica:
Oh my
God!
Paul:
I
know,
I
know,
I'm
such
an
idiot.
I
guess
I
should
have
caught
on
when
she
started
going
to
the
dentist
four
and
five
times a week. I mean, how clean can
teeth get?
Monica:
My
brother's going through that right now, he's such
a
mess. How did you get through it?
Paul:
Well,
you
might
try
accidentally
breaking
something
valuable of hers,
say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul:
(laughing) That's one
way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Monica:
You actually broke
her watch?
Wow!
The worst
thing
I ever did was, I-I shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul:
Ooh, steer clear of
you.
Monica:
That's
right.
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
Rachel
is
talking on the phone and
pacing.]
Rachel:
Barry, I'm
sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably
think
that
this
is
all
about
what
I
said
the
other
day
about
you
making
love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't,
it's about me,
and I ju- (She stops
talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut
me off again... anyway...look, look, I
know that some girl is going
to be
incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but
it isn't me,
it's not me.
And not that I have any idea who me is
right now,
but
you
just
have
to
give
me
a
chance
too...
(The
maching
cuts
her off again and she redials.)
[Scene:
Ross's
Apartment;
Ross
is
pacing
while
Joey
and
Chandler
are working on some more furniture.]
Ross:
I'm divorced!
I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Joey:
Shut up!
Chandler:
You must stop!
(Chandler hits what he is working on
with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross:
That only took me an
hour.
Chandler:
Look,
Ross,
you
gotta
understand,
between
us
we
haven't
had
a
relationship
that
has
lasted
longer
than
a
Mento.
You
, however
have had the love of a
woman
for four
years.
Four years of closeness and sharing at
the end of which
she ripped your heart
out, and that is why we don't do it!
I
don't
think that was my point!
Ross:
You
know
what
the
scariest
part
is?
What
if
there's
only
one woman
for everybody,
y'know? I
mean
what if
you
get one
woman-
and
that's
it?
Unfortunately
in
my
case,
there
was
only
one
woman- for her...
Joey:
What
are
you
talking
about?
'One
woman'?
That's
like
saying
there's
only
one
flavor
of
ice
cream
for
you.
Lemme
tell
you
something,
Ross.
There's
lots
of
flavors
out
there.
There's
Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
Cherry Vanilla. You
could
get
'em
with
Jimmies,
or
nuts,
or
whipped
cream!
This
is
the
best
thing
that
ever
happened
to
you!
You
got
married,
you
were,
like,
what,
eight?
Welcome
back
to
the
world!
Grab
a
spoon!
Ross:
I
honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler:
Stay out of my
freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica
and Paul are still eating.]
Paul:
Ever since she walked
out on me, I, uh...
Monica:
What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
noodles?
Paul:
No, it's,
it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
Monica:
Oh, so there is
gonna be a fifth date?
Paul:
Isn't there?
Monica:
Yeah...
yeah,
I
think
there
is.
-What
were
you
gonna
《
Friends
》第一季
2
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say?
Paul:
Well,
ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't
been
able to, uh, perform. (Monica
takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica:
(spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God,
I am
sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul:
It's okay...
Monica:
I know being spit on
is probably not what you need right
now. Um... how long?
Paul:
Two years.
Monica:
Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm
glad you smashed her watch!
Paul:
So you still think
you, um... might want that fifth date?
Monica:
(pause)...Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
Rachel
is
watching
Joanne
Loves
Chaci
.]
Priest on
TV:
We are gathered here today to join
Joanne Louise
Cunningham
and
Charles,
Chachi-Chachi-
Chachi,
Arcola
in
the
bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel:
Oh...see...
but
Joanne
loved
Chachi!
That's
the
difference!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all
sitting around and talking.]
Ross:
(scornful) Grab a
spoon. Do you know how long it's been
since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the
words 'Billy, don't be a hero'
mean
anything to you?
Joey:
Great
story!
But,
I
uh,
I
gotta
go,
I
got
a
date
with
Andrea--Angela--Andrea...
Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Chandler:
Angela's the
screamer, Andrea has cats.
Joey:
Right.
Thanks.
It's June.
I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Ross:
Y'know,
here's
the
thing.
Even
if
I
could
get
it
together
enough to- to ask a
woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes
out of the window.)
[Cut to
Rachel staring out of her window.]
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
Rachel
is
making
coffee
for
Joey
and Chandler.]
Rachel:
Isn't
this
amazing?
I
mean,
I
have
never
made
coffee
before in my entire life.
Chandler:
That is amazing.
Joey:
Congratulations.
Rachel:
Y'know,
I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't
anything
I can't do.
Chandler:
If can invade
Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey:
Listen,
while
you're
on
a
roll,
if
you
feel
like
you
gotta
make
like
a
Western
omelet
or
something...
(Joey
and
Chandler
taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it
into a plant pot.) Although
actually
I'm really not that hungry...
Monica:
(entering,
to
herself)
Oh
good,
Lenny
and
Squigy
are
here.
All:
Morning. Good morning.
Paul:
(entering from
Monica's room) Morning.
Joey:
Morning, Paul.
Rachel:
Hello, Paul.
Chandler:
Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and
talk in a low voice so the
others
can't
hear.
The
others
move
Monica's
table
closer
to
the
door so that they can.)
Paul:
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Monica:
Stop!
Paul:
No,
I'm
telling
you
last
night
was
like
umm,
all
my
birthdays,
both
graduations,
plus
the
barn
raising
scene
in
Witness
.
Monica:
We'll talk later.
Paul:
Yeah. (They kiss)
Thank you. (Exits)
Joey:
That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do
on a real
date?
Monica:
Shut up, and put my
table back.
All:
Okayyy!
(They do so.)
Chandler:
All
right,
kids,
I
gotta
get
to
work.
If
I
don't
input
those numbers,... it doesn't make much
of a difference...
Rachel:
So, like, you guys
all have jobs?
Monica:
Yeah,
we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
Joey:
Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel:
Wow! Would I have
seen you in anything?
Joey:
I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica:
Oh wait, wait,
unless you happened to catch the Reruns'
production of Pinocchio, at the little
theater in the park.
Joey:
Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler:
'Look, Gippetto,
I'm a real live boy.'
Joey:
I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and
opens it to
leave.)
Chandler:
You're
right,
I'm
sorry.
(Burst
into
song
and
dances
out
of
the
door.)
Once
I
was
a
wooden
boy,
a
little
wooden
boy...
Joey:
You
should
both
know,
that
he's
a
dead
man.
Oh,
Chandler?
(Starts
after
Chandler.)
Monica:
So
how
you
doing
today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to
Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel:
I can see that. You
look like you slept with a hanger in
your mouth.
Monica:
I
know,
he's
just
so,
so...
Do
you
remember
you
and
Tony DeMarco?
Rachel:
Oh, yeah.
Monica:
Well, it's like
that. With feelings.
Rachel:
Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica:
Big time!
Rachel:
Want a wedding
dress?
Hardly used.
Monica:
I think we are
getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay.
Okay. I am just going to get up, go to
work and not think about
him all day.
Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Rachel:
Oh, look, wish me
luck!
Monica:
What for?
Rachel:
I'm gonna go get one
of those (Thinks) job things.
(Monica
exits.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is
working as Frannie enters.]
Frannie:
Hey, Monica!
Monica:
Hey
Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Frannie:
You had
sex, didn't you?
Monica:
How do you do that?
Frannie:
Oh,
I
hate
you,
I'm
pushing
my
Aunt
Roz
through
Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!
So? Who?
Monica:
You know Paul?
Frannie:
Paul
the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica:
You mean you know
Paul like I know Paul?
Frannie:
Are you kidding? I
take credit for Paul. Y'know before
me,
there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
[Scene: Central Perk,
everyone but Rachel is there.]
Joey:
(sitting on the arm of
the couch)Of course it was a line!
Monica:
Why?!
Why? Why,
why
would anybody do something
like that?
Ross:
I
assume
we're
looking
for
an
answer
more
sophisticated
than 'to get
you into bed'.
Monica:
I hate men!
I hate men!
Phoebe:
Oh no, don't hate,
you don't want to put that out into the
universe.
Monica:
Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon
that only
dogs and men with severe
emotional problems can hear?
Phoebe:
All right, c'mere,
gimme your feet. (She starts massaging
them.)
Monica:
I just thought he
was nice, y'know?
Joey:
(bursts out laughing
again) I can't believe you didn't know
it was a line!
(Monica
pushes
him
off
of
the
sofa
as
Rachel
enters
with
a
shopping
bag.)
Rachel:
Guess what?
Ross:
You got a job?
Rachel:
Are you
kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed
out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler:
And
yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel:
You would be too if
you found John and David boots on
sale,
fifty percent off!
Chandler:
Oh, how well you
know me...
Rachel:
They're
my
new
'I
don't
need
a
job,
I
don't
need
my
parents,
I've got great boots' boots!
Monica:
How'd you pay for
them?
Rachel:
Uh, credit card.
Monica:
And who pays for
that?
Rachel:
Um... my... father.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
everyone
is
sitting
around
the
kitchen table.
Rachel's credit cards are
spread out on the table
along with a
pair of scissors.]
Rachel:
Oh God, come on you guys, is this really
necessary?
I
mean, I can
stop charging anytime I want.
< br>《
Friends
》第一季
3
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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t
Monica:
C'mon, you can't
live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel:
I know that. That's
why I was getting married.
Phoebe:
Give her a break,
it's hard being on your own for the first
time.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Phoebe:
You're
welcome.
I
remember
when
I
first
came
to
this
city.
I
was
fourteen.
My
mom
had
just
killed
herself
and
my
step-dad
was
back
in
prison,
and
I
got
here,
and
I
didn't
know
anybody.
And
I
ended
up
living
with
this
albino
guy
who
was,
like,
cleaning
windshields
outside
port
authority,
and
then
he
killed
himself,
and
then
I
found aromatherapy.
So
believe
me,
I
know exactly how you feel.
(Pause)
Ross:
The word you're
looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica:
All right, you
ready?
Rachel:
No.
No, no, I'm not ready!
How
can I be ready?
Rach!
You
ready
to
jump
out
the
airplane
without
your
parachute?
Come on, I can't
do this!
Monica:
You can, I
know you can!
Rachel:
I don't think so.
Ross:
Come
on,
you
made
coffee!
You
can
do
anything!
(Chandler
slowly
tries
to
hide
the
now
dead
plant
from
that
morning when he and Joey poured their
coffee into it.)
Ross:
C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All:
Cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut,
cut, cut...
(She
cuts
one of
them
and
they
cheer.)
Rachel:
Y'know what?
I think we can just leave it at that.
It's
kinda like a symbolic
gesture...
Monica:
Rachel!
That was a library
card!
All:
Cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler:
(as
Rachel
is
cutting
up
her
cards)
Y'know,
if
you
listen closely, you can hear a thousand
retailers scream.
(She
finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Monica:
Welcome to the real
world! It sucks. You're gonna love
it!
[Time
Lapse,
Rachel
and
Ross
are
watching
a
TV
channel
finishes it's broadcast day by playing
the national anthem.]
Monica:
Well, that's it (To
Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross:
No. No, I gotta go
home sometime.
Monica:
You be okay?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Hey Mon,
look what I just found on the floor. (Monica
smiles.) What?
Monica:
That's
Paul's
watch.
You
just
put
it
back
where
you
found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight,
everybody.
Ross and Rachel:
Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's
watch and goes into her room.)
Ross:
Mmm. (They both reach
for the last cookie) Oh, no-
Rachel:
Sorry-
Ross:
No no no, go-
Rachel:
No, you
have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross:
Split it?
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
Okay. (They split it.)
You know you probably didn't know
this,
but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush
on you.
Rachel:
I knew.
Ross:
You
did!
Oh....
I
always
figured
you
just
thought
I
was
Monica's
geeky older brother.
Rachel:
I did.
Ross:
Oh.
Listen,
do
you
think-
and
try
not
to
let
my
intense
vulnerability become any kind of a
factor here- but do you think it
would
be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel:
Yeah,
maybe...
Ross:
Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel:
Goodnight.
Ross:
Goodnight.
(Rachel goes into her room
and Monica enters the living room as
Ross is leaving.)
Monica:
See ya.... Waitwait,
what's with you?
Ross:
I just grabbed a
spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea
what that means.)
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey:
I can't believe what
I'm hearing here.
Phoebe:
(sings) I can't
believe what I'm hearing here...
Monica:
What? I-I said you
had a-
Phoebe:
(sings) What I said you had...
Monica:
(to Phoebe) Would
you stop?
Phoebe:
Oh, was I doing it
again?
All:
Yes!
Monica:
I said that you had
a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.
Joey:
Oh, you wouldn't know
a great butt if it came up and bit ya.
Ross:
There's an image.
Rachel:
(walks
up
with
a
pot
of
coffee)
Would
anybody
like
more
coffee?
Chandler:
Did you make it,
or are you just serving it?
Rachel:
I'm just serving it.
All:
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler:
Kids,
new
dream...
I'm
in
Las
Vegas.
(Rachel
sits
down
to hear Chandler's dream.)
Customer:
(To Rachel) Ahh,
miss?
More coffee?
Rachel:
Ugh.
(To
another
customer
that's
leaving.)
Excuse
me,
could you give this to
that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee
pot.)
Go
ahead.
(He
does
so.)
Thank
you.
(To
the
gang.)
Sorry.
Okay, Las Vegas.
Chandler:
Okay, so, I'm in
Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-
End
102 The One
With the Sonogram at the End
[Scene
Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica:
What you guys don't
understand is, for us, kissing is as
important as any part of it.
Joey:
Yeah,
right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah!
Rachel:
Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica:
Absolutely.
Chandler:
Yeah,
I
think
for
us,
kissing
is
pretty
much
like
an
opening act, y'know? I
mean it's like the stand-up comedian you
have to sit through before Pink Floyd
comes out.
Ross:
Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the
comedian, it's
that-that... that's not
why we bought the ticket.
Chandler:
The
problem
is,
though,
after
the
concert's
over,
no
matter how great the show
was, you girls are always looking for
the
comedian
again,
y'know?
I
mean,
we're
in
the
car,
we're
fighting traffic... basically just
trying to stay awake.
Rachel:
Yeah,
well,
word
of
advice:
Bring
back
the
comedian.
Otherwise
next
time
you're
gonna
find
yourself
sitting
at
home,
listening to that album alone.
Joey:
(pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Museum
of
Prehistoric
History,
Ross
and
a
co-worker
(Marsha)
are
setting
up
an
exhibit
which
includes
some
mannequins of cave people.]
Ross:
No, it's good, it is
good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem
a little angry?
Marsha:
Well, she has
issues.
Ross:
Does she.
Marsha:
He's out banging
other women over the head with a club,
while she sits at home trying to get
the mastodon smell out of the
carpet!
Ross:
Marsha,
these
are
cave
people.
Okay?
They
have
issues
like 'Gee, that
glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
Marsha:
Speaking of issues,
isn't that your ex-wife?
(Carol,
Ross's
ex-wife,
has
entered
behind
them
and
is
standing
outstide the
exhibit.)
Ross:
(trying to ignore her) No. No.
Marsha:
Yes, it is. Carol!
Hi!
Ross:
Okay,
okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh,
catch up
with you in the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross
waves Carol into the exhibit.)
Ross:Hi.
Carol:
So.
Ross:
You
look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Carol:
Sorry. You look good
too.
Ross:
Ah,
well,
in
here,
anyone
who...
stands
erect...
So
what's
new? Still, uh...
Carol:
A
lesbian?
Ross:
Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the
family?
Carol:
Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross:
Why- why
are you here, Carol?
《
Friends
》第一季
4
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t
Carol:
I'm pregnant.
Ross:
Pregnant?!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Chandler,
Joey,
Phoebe,
and
Monica are watching
Three's
Company
.]
Chandler:
Oh,
I
think
this
is
the
episode
of
Three's
Company
where there's some
kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe:
...Then I've already
seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
Monica:
(taking a drink from
Joey) Are you through with that?
Joey:
Yeah, sorry, the
swallowing slowed me down.
Monica:
Whose little ball of
paper is this?!
Chandler:
Oh,
uh,
that
would
be
mine.
See,
I
wrote
a
note
to
myself,
and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled
it up and...
(sees that Monica is
glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.
(Monica starts to fluff a
pillow.)
Phoebe:
She's
already
fluffed
that
pillow...
Monica,
you
know,
you've
already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.)
-but, it's fine!
Monica:
Look , I'm sorry,
guys, I just don't wanna give them any
more ammunition than they already have.
Chandler:
Yes,
and we all know how cruel a parent can be about
the flatness of a child's pillow.
Phoebe:
Monica-
Hi!
Um,
Monica,
you're
scaring
me.
I
mean,
you're
like,
you're
like
all
chaotic
and
twirly.
And
not-
not
in
a
good
way.
Joey:
Yeah,
calm
down.
You
don't
see
Ross
getting
all
chaotic
and twirly every
time they come.
Monica:
That's because as
far as my parents are concerned, Ross
can
do
no
wrong.
Y'see,
he's
the
Prince.
Apparently
they
had
some big ceremony before
I was born.
Chandler:
(looking out the
window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew
ew!
Monica:
What?
Chandler:
Ugly
Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
All:
Eeaagh!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel:
Has
anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe:
Yeah, it's
beautiful.
Rachel:
Oh
God,
oh
God,
oh
God
oh
God
oh
God
oh
God....
(Starts to look under the couch
cushions.)
Phoebe:
No, look, don't
touch that!
Rachel:
Oh,
like
I
wasn't
dreading
tomorrow
enough, having
to
give it back to him... 'Hi Barry!
Remember me? I'm the girl in the
veil
who stomped on your heart in front of your entire
family!' Oh
God and now I'm gonna have
to return the ring, without the ring,
which makes it so much harder...
Monica:
Easy
Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh!
Yeah!
Joey:
Alright,
when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe:
Doy! Probably right
before she lost it!
Chandler:
You don't get a
lot of 'doy' these days...
Rachel:
I know I had it this
morning, and I know I had it when I
was
in the kitchen with...
Chandler:
...Dinah?
Rachel:
(looks
at
the
lasagne
and
realizes
something)
Ohhhhh,
don't be mad...
Monica:
You
didn't.
Rachel:
Oh, I am sorry...
Monica:
I
gave
you
one
job!
(Starts
to
examin
the
lasagne
through the bottom
of the glass pan.)
Rachel:
Oh, but look how
straight those noodles are!
Chandler:
Now, Monica, you
know that's not how you look for
an
engagement ring in a lasagne...
Monica:
(puts down the
lasagne) I just... can't do it.
Chandler:
Boys? We're going
in.
(Chandler, Joey, and
Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as
there's a knock on the door which
Monica answers.)
Ross:
(standing outside the
door).....Hi.
Monica:
Wow. That is not a
happy hi.
Ross:
Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe:
(while everyone else
is stunned) Ooh! I found it!
Monica:
W-w-wh-... wha-...
w-w-w-...
Ross:
Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be
where I
am right about now. (He
enters.)
Chandler:
Kinda puts that
whole pillow thing in perspective, huh,
Mon?
Rachel:
Well now, how-how do
you fit into this whole thing?
Ross:
Well,
Carol
says
she
and
Susan
want
me
to
be
involved,
but
if
I'm
not
comfortable
with
it,
I
don't
have
to
be
involved..
basically it's
entirely up to me.
Phoebe:
She is so great! I
miss her.
Monica:
What does she mean
by 'involved'?
Chandler:
I
mean
presumably,
the
biggest
part
of
your
job
is
done.
Ross:
Anyway, they want me
to go down to this- sonogram thing
with
them tomorrow.
Rachel:
So what are you
gonna do?
Ross:
I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm
still gonna
be a father.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the
lasagne and everyone turns and
stares
at him.)
Joey:
.....Well, this is still ruined, right?
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and
Ross are pouring wine
for their
parents.]
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
Martha
Ludwin's
daughter
is
gonna
call
you.
(Tastes
a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste?
Monica:
Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
Ross:
I- I think they're
great! I, I really do.
Mr.
Geller:
(To Ross) Do you remember the
Ludwins? The big
one had a thing for
you, didn't she?
Mrs.
Geller:
They all had a thing for him.
Ross:
Aw, Mom...
Monica:
I'm
sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
she
just
graduated,
and
she
wants
to
be
something in cooking, or
food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told
her you had a restaurant-
Monica:
No
Mom,
I
don't
have
a
restaurant,
I
work
in
a
restaurant.
Mrs.
Geller:
Well, they don't have to know
that... (She starts to
fluff the same
pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)
Monica:
Ross,
could
you
come and help
me
with
the
spaghetti,
please?
Ross:
Yeah.
(They go to the kitchen.)
Mrs. Geller:
Oh, we're
having spaghetti! That's.... easy.
Monica:
I know this is going
to sound unbelievably selfish, but,
were you planning on bringing up the
whole baby/lesbian thing?
Because I
think it might take some of the heat off me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is
now eating.]
Mrs.
Geller:
What that Rachel did to her
life.... We ran into her
parents at the
club, they were not playing very well.
Mr.
Geller:
I'm
not
gonna
tell
you
what
they
spent
on
that
wedding... but forty
thousand dollars is a lot of money!
Mrs. Geller:
Well, at least
she had the chance to leave a man at
the altar...
Monica:
What's that supposed
to mean?
Mrs.
Geller:
Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica:
No it's
not.
Mr. Geller:
Don't listen to your mother. You're independent,
and
you always have been! Even when you
were a kid... and you were
chubby,
and
you
had
no
friends,
you
were
just
fine!
And
you
would
read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller:
Look, there are
people like Ross who need to shoot
for
the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting
published.
Other people are satisfied
with staying where they are- I'm telling
you, these are the people who never get
cancer.
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller:
...And I read about these women trying to have it
all,
and I thank God 'Our Little
Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that
problem.
Monica:
(trying
desperately
to
change
the
subject)
So,
Ross,
what's going on with
you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his
hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
share with the folks?
Ross:
(pulls his hand away)
Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I,
uh-
I
realise
you
guys
have
been
wondering
what
exactly
happened
between
Carol
and
me,
and,
so,
well,
here's
the
deal.
Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a
woman named Susan. She's
pregnant with
my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the
baby.
(Stunned
silence ensues.)
Mrs.
Geller:
(To Monica) And you knew about
this?!
《
Friends<
/p>
》第一季
5
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t
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Central Park, everyone's there.]
Joey:
Your folks are really
that bad, huh?
Ross:
Well,
y'know,
these
people
are
pros.
They
know
what
they're doing, they take their time,
they get the job done.
Monica:
Boy, I know they say
you can't change
your
parents,...
boy, if you could- (To
Ross) -I'd want yours.
Ross:
Must pee. (Goes to
pee.)
Phoebe:
Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
Rachel:
You're
twins?
Phoebe:
Yeah.
We
don't
speak.
She's
like
this
high-powered,
driven career type.
Chandler:
What does she do?
Phoebe:
She's a
waitress.
Rachel:
All right, you guys,
I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all
start to leave.)
Monica:
Chandler,
you're
an
only
child,
right?
You
don't
have
any of
this.
Chandler:
Well,
no,
although
I
did
have
an
imaginary
friend,
who... my parents
actually preferred.
Rachel:
The lights, please..
(Joey
turns
off
the
lights,
and
they
all
leave
as
Rachel
starts
to
clean up.
Ross enters from the bathroom.)
Ross:
...How
long was I in there?
Rachel:
I'm just cleaning
up.
Ross:
D'ya..
uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel:
Uh.. okay, sure!
Thanks! (She hands him the broom and
sits down.)
Ross:
Anyway.. um.. (Starts
to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous
about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel:
Oh.. a little..
Ross:
Mm-hmm..
Rachel:
A lot.
Ross:
Mm.
Rachel:
So, got
any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently
been- dumped?
Ross:
Well,
you
may
wanna
steer
clear
of
the
word
'dumped'.
Chances are he's
gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know,
so you should try not to look too
terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or,
y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there,
and I'll give Barry back his
ring, and
you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Rachel:
Oh,
you've
got
Carol
tomorrow..
When
did
it
get
so
complicated?
Ross:
Got me.
Rachel:
Remember when we
were in high school together?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
I
mean,
didn't
you
think
you
were
just
gonna
meet
somone, fall in love- and that'd be it?
(Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
Ross:
Yes, yes!
Rachel:
Oh!
Man,
I
never
thought
I'd be here..
(She
leans
back
onto his hand.)
Ross:
Me either... (He pulls
up a stool so that he doesn't have to
move his hand.)
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is
waiting.]
Ross:
(entering)
Sorry
I'm
late,
I
was
stuck
at
work.
There
was
this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
(Susan enters holding a
drink.)
Susan: Hi.
Carol:
Ross, you
remember Susan.
Ross:
How could I forget?
Susan:
Ross.
Ross:
(they
shake
hands)
Hello,
Susan.
(To
Carol)
Good
shake.
Good
shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
Carol:
Dr.
Oberman.
Ross:
..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan:
She.
Ross:
-she,
of
course,
she-
uh-
familiar
with
our..
special
situation?
Carol:
Yes, and she's very
supportive.
Ross:
Okay,
that's
great.
(Susan
gives
her
drink
to
Carol.)
No,
I'm- Oh.
Carol:
Thanks.
Ross:
(picks up a surgical
instrament and mimes a duck with it)
Quack, quack..
Carol:
Ross? That opens my
cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
[Scene
Barry's
office,
Barry
is
working
on
patient,
Robbie,
as
Rachel enters.]
Rachel:
Barry?
Barry:
C'mon in.
Rachel:
(hesitates) Are you sure?
Barry:
Yeah! It's fine, it's
fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
Robbie:
Huh?!
Barry:
So, how
ya doin?
Rachel:
I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Barry:
Yeah, well..
Bernice:
(over
intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Barry:
(answering the intercom) Be right there. (To
Robbie and
Rachel) Be back in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie
stares at Rachel.)
Rachel:
I dumped him.
Robbie:
Okay.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN,
they're talking about how this is going
to work.]
Ross:
So, um- so how's this,
uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know,
with
us?
Y'know,
when,
like,
important
decisions
have
to
be
made?
Carol:
Give me a 'for
instance'.
Ross:
Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about
with the,
uh, with the baby's name?
Carol:
Marlon-
Ross:
Marlon?!
Carol:
-if it's
a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross:
...As in Mouse?
Carol:
As in my
grandmother.
Ross:
Still,
you-
you
say
Minnie,
you
hear
Mouse.
Um,
how
about, um.. how about Julia?
Carol:
Julia..
Susan:
We agreed
on Minnie.
Ross:
'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of
our lives
together. Things change, roll
with the punches. I believe Julia's on
the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing
her makeup in the mirror
on Barry's
lamp as Barry enters.]
Barry:
Sorry about that. So.
What have you been up to?
Rachel:
Oh, not much. I-I
got a job.
Barry:
Oh, that's great.
Rachel:
Why are-
why are you so tanned?
Barry:
Oh, I, uh- I went to
Aruba.
Rachel:
Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
Barry:
No. I
went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?!
Barry:
No! (To Rachel) I
went with Mindy.
Rachel:
Mindy?! My maid of
honour, Mindy?!
Barry:
Yeah, well, uh, we're
kind of a thing now.
Rachel:
Oh! Well, um..
(Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!
Barry:
Careful! They haven't
quite taken yet.
Rachel:
And you've got
lenses! But you hate sticking your finger
in your eye!
Barry:
Not for her. Listen,
I really wanted to thank you.
Rachel:
Okay..
Barry:
See, about a month
ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than
I've
ever
wanted
to
hurt
anyone
in
my
life.
And
I'm
an
orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry:
You
know,
you
were
right?
I
mean,
I
thought
we
were
happy. We weren't
happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel:
What?
Robbie:
Me.
(Spits.)
Rachel:
Anyway,
um,
(Gets
the
ring
out
of
her
purse.)
I
guess
this
belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
Barry:
Well,
thank you for giving it back.
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
Robbie:
Hello?!
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN,
they're still arguing about what to name
the baby.]
Susan:
Oh, please! What's
wrong with Helen?
Ross:
Helen Geller? I don't
think so.
Carol:
Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross:
Thank you!
Carol:
No, I mean it's not
Geller.
《
Friends
》第一季
6
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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t
Ross:
What, it's gonna be
Helen Willick?
Carol:
No, actually, um, we
talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
Ross:
Well, wait a minute,
wha- why is she in the title?
Susan:
It's my baby too.
Ross:
Oh,
's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making
any
sperm.
Susan:
Yeah, and we all know
what a challenge that is!
Carol:
All right, you two,
stop it!
Ross:
No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there
too.
Carol:
Ross.
You're
not
actually
suggesting
Helen
Willick-Bunch-Geller?
'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.
Ross:
Of course
not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Susan:
Oh, no,
nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows
no-one's gonna say all those names, so
they'll wind up calling her
Geller,
then he gets his way!
Ross:
My way?! You-you think
this is my
way? Believe
me,
of
all the ways I ever imagined this
moment in my life being, this is
not
my
way-
y'know
what?
Uh,
um,
this
is
too
hard.
I'm
not,
I
can't do-
Dr. Oberman:
(entering)
Knock knock!How are we today? Any
nausea?
All:
Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr.
Oberman:
Well,
I
was
just
wondering
about
the
mother-to-be, but..
thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
Ross:
You- uh-
y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think
I
can be involved in this particular
thing right now.
(He
turns
to
go,
but
the
sound
of
the
sonogram
catches
hes
ear.
He returns and stares at it.)
Ross:
Oh my God.
Susan:
Look at that.
Carol:
I know.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment,
everyone is watching the
tape of the
sonogram.
Rachel is on the
phone.]
Ross:
Well? Isn't
that amazing?
Joey:
What are we supposed
to be seeing here?
Chandler:
I dunno, but.. I
think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe:
You
know,
if
you
tilt
your
head
to
the
left,
and
relax
your eyes, it kinda looks like an old
potato.
Ross:
Then don't do that, alright?
Phoebe:
Okay!
Ross:
(walks
over
to
where
Monica
is
standing)Monica.
Whaddya
think?
Monica:
(welling up) Mm-hmm.
Ross:
Wh- are you welling
up?
Monica: No.
Ross:
You are, you're
welling up.
Monica:
Am not!
Ross:
You're gonna be an
aunt.
Monica:
(pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!
Rachel:
(on
phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm
fine.
I-I
saw
Barry
today.
Oh,
yeah,
yeah
he-he
told
me.
No,
no,
it's
okay.
I
hope
you
two
are
very
happy,
I
really
do.
Oh,
oh,
and
Mind,
y'know,
if-if
everything
works
out,
and
you
guys
end
up
getting married and
having kids- and everything- I just hope they
have his old hairline and your old
nose. (Slams the phone down.)
(To
everyone)
Okay,
I
know
it
was
a
cheap
shot,
but
I
feel
so
much better
now.
End
103 The One With the Thumb
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but
Phoebe is there.]
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi guys!
All:
Hey,
Pheebs! Hi!
Ross:
Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it
go?
Phoebe:
Um,
not so good. He walked me to the subway and said
'We should do this again!'
All:
Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel:
What? He said 'we
should do it again', that's good, right?
Monica:
Uh,
no.
Loosely
translated
'We
should
do
this
again'
means 'You will never
see me naked'.
Rachel:
Since when?
Joey:
Since
always.
It's
like
dating
language.
Y'know,
like
'It's
not
you' means 'It is you'.
Chandler:
Or
'You're
such
a
nice
guy'
means
'I'm
gonna
be
dating leather-wearing alcoholics and
complaining about them to
you'.
Phoebe:
Or, or,
y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people'
means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Rachel:
And
everybody knows this?
Joey:
Yeah. Cushions the
blow.
Chandler:
Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your
parents put
your
dog
to
sleep,
and
they
tell you
it
went
off
to
live on
some
farm.
Ross:
That's funny, that,
no, because, uh, our parents actually did,
uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica:
Uh,
Ross.
Ross:
What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in
Connecticut? The
Millners,
they
had
this
unbelievable
farm,
they
had
horses,
and,
and rabbits that he
could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God,
Chi Chi!
Opening
Credits
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Chandler
is
helping
Joey
rehearse
for a part.]
Chandler:
Joey:
have to
live with the knowledge that you sent an honest
man to
die.
Chandler:
Hey, that was
really good!
Joey:
Thanks! Let's keep
going.
Chandler:
Okay.
Joey:
smoke.
Chandler:
(Joey
takes
out
a
pack
of
cigarettes
and
a
lighter.
He
fumbles
and drops the
lighter.
Then he lights a cigarett,
takes a drag, and
coughs.)
Chandler:
I
think
this
is
probably
why
Damone
smokes
in
his
cell alone.
Joey:
What?
Chandler:
Relax your hand!
(Joey lets his wrist go
limp.)
Chandler:
Not so much!
Joey:
Whoah!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey:
Hey!
Chandler:
Alright, now try
taking a puff.
(Joey tries
and visibly winces.)
Chandler:
Alright.. okay.
No. Give it to me.
Joey:
No no no, I am not
giving you a cigarette.
Chandler:
It's fine, it's
fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or
not? Here.
(Joey
reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
Chandler:
Don't think of it
as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing
that's been missing from your hand.
When you're holding it, you
feel right.
You feel complete.
Joey:
Y'miss it?
Chandler:
Nah, not so much.
Alright, now we smoke. (Takes
a
puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to
smoke.)
[Scene,
Central
Perk,
everyone
except
Phoebe
and
Rachel
is
there.]
Monica:
No, no, no. They say
it's the same as the distance from
the
tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index
finger.
(The guys stretch
out their fingers.)
Joey:
That's ridiculous!
Ross:
Can I
use.. either thumb?
Rachel:
(carrying a tray of
drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell
me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf
cappucino for Joey.. Coffee
black..
Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at
this!
All:
Yeah.
Yeah, excellent.
Rachel:
(leaving to serve
others) Good for me!
(The
gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as
Phoebe
enters.
She sits
down without saying hi.)
Joey:
Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Yeah-
no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my
bank.
Monica:
What did they do to you?
Phoebe:
It's nothing, it's
just- Okay. I'm going through my mail,
and I open up their monthly, you know,
STATEMENT-
Ross:
Easy.
Phoebe:
-
and there's five hundred extra dollars in my
account.
《
Friend
s
》第一季
7
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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Chandler:
Oh, Satan's
minions at work again...
Phoebe:
Yes, 'cause now I
have to go down there, and deal with
them.
Joey:
What are you talking
about? Keep it!
Phoebe:
It's not mine, I
didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like
stealing.
Rachel:
Yeah, but if you
spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe:
Okay.
Okay,
let's
say
I
bought
a
really
great
pair
of
shoes.
Do
you
know
what
I'd
hear,
with
every
step
I
took?
'Not-mine. Not-mine.
Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay,
and,
and
skipping-
'Not-not-mine,
not-not-mine,
not-not-mine,
not-not-mine'...
Monica:
We're with you. We
got it.
(Chandler leans
over the back of the couch out of sight.)
Phoebe:
Okay.
I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would
be
like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel:
Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica:
(puling him up) Hey.
Whaddya doing?
(Chandler
tries
to
shrug
nonchalantly
but
eventually
he
has
to
exhale a mouthful of
smoke.)
All:
Oh! Oh, God!
Ross:
What is
this?!
Chandler:
I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Phoebe:
Oh, I can't believe
you! You've been so good, for three
years!
Chandler:
And this- is my
reward!
Ross:
Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what
you went
through the last time you
quit.
Chandler:
Okay, so this time I won't quit!
All:
Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler:
All
right!
I'm
putting
it
out,
I'm
putting
it
out.
(He
drops it
in Phoebe's coffee.)
Phoebe:
Oh, no! I- I can't
drink this now!
Monica:
Alright. I'm gonna
go change, I've got a date.
Rachel:
This Alan again?
How's it goin'?
Monica:
'S'going
pretty
good,
y'know?
It's
nice,
and,
we're
having fun.
Joey:
So when do we get to
meet the guy?
Monica:
Let's see, today's
Monday... Never.
All:
Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica:
No. Not
after what happened with Steve.
Chandler:
What
are
you
talking
about?
We
love
Schhteve!
Schhteve was
schhexy!.. Sorry.
Monica:
Look, I don't even
know how I feel about him yet. Just
give me a chance to figure that out.
Rachel:
Well,
then can we meet him?
Monica:
Nope. Schhorry.
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and
Paula are at work.]
Monica:
I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I
bring
a guy home, and within five
minutes they're all over him. I mean,
they're like- coyotes, picking off the
weak members of the herd.
Paula:
Listen. As someone
who's seen more than her fair share of
bad
beef,
I'll
tell
you:
that
is
not
such
a
terrible
thing.
I
mean,
they're
your friends, they're just looking out after you.
Monica:
I know.
I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that
they actually liked.
Paula:
Well, you do realise
the odds of that happening are a little
slimmer if they never get to meet the
guy..
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Chandler
is
smoking
out
on
the
balcony,
Phoebe is absent.]
Joey:
Let
it go, Ross.
Ross:
Yeah, well, you didn't
know Chi Chi.
Monica:
Do you all promise?
All:
Yeah! We
promise! We'll be good!
Monica:
(shouts
to
Chandler)
Chandler?
Do
you
promise
to
be
good?
(Chandler
makes a 'Cross my heart' sign.
It
starts to rain and he
taps on the
window.)
Joey:
You can come
in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to
stay outside!
(Chandler
sulkilty
picks
up
a
garbage
can
lid
and
uses
it
as
an
umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch,
sits down, and begins to read
a letter
without saying hi.)
Ross:
Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe:
'Dear Ms. Buffay.
Thank you for calling attention to our
error.
We
have
credited
your
account
with
five
hundred dollars.
We're
sorry
for
the
inconvenience,
and
hope
you'll
accept
this-
(Searches in her purse)
-
football phone
as our free gift.' Do
you
believe
this?!
Now
I
have
a
thousand
dollars,
and
a
football
phone!
Rachel:
What bank is this?
(The intercom buzzes.)
Monica:
Hey.
It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
Alan:
(on the intercom) It's
Alan.
Joey:
(shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in,
dripping wet.)
Monica:
(to
all)
Okay,
please
be
good,
please
.
Just
remember
how much you all
like me.
(She opens the
door and Alan enters.)
Monica:
Hi. Alan, this is
everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan:
Hi.
All:
Hi, Alan.
Alan:
I've heard schho much
about all you guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time
lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica:
(to Alan) Thanks.
I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to
all)
Okay.
Okay,
let's
let
the
Alan-bashing
begin.
Who's
gonna
take
the first shot, hmm?
(Silence.)
Monica:
C'mon!
Ross:
...I'll go. Let's
start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm
sorry, I can't do this, can't do this.
We loved him.
All:
Loved him! Yeah! He's
great!
Monica:
Wait
a
minute!
We're
talking
about
someone
that
I'm
going out with?
All:
Yeah!
Rachel:
And did you
notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index
finger.)
The
Guys:
(reluctantly) Yeah.
Joey:
Know
what
was
great?
The
way
his
smile
was
kinda
crooked.
Phoebe:
Yes, yes! Like the
man in the shoe!
Ross:
...What shoe?
Phoebe:
From
the
nursery
rhyme.
'There
was
a
crooked
man,
Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a
shoe, For a... while...'
(Dubious pause.)
Ross:
...So I think Alan
will become the yardstick against which
all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel:
What
future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could
be,
y'know, it.
Monica:
Really!
Chandler:
Oh, yeah. I'd
marry him just for his David Hasselhof
impression
alone.
You
know
I'm
gonna be
doing
that
at
parties,
right? (Does the impression)
Ross:
You know
what I like most about him, though?
All:
What?
Ross:
The way he makes me
feel about myself.
All:
Yeah...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone
as Ross, Rachel, Chandler,
and Joey
enter dejectedly in softball gear.]
Monica:
Hi.. how was the
game?
Ross:
Well..
All:
WE
WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica:
Fantastic! I have
one question: How is that possible?
Joey:
Alan.
Ross:
He
was
unbelievable.
He
was
like
that-that-that
Bugs
Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all
the positions, right, but
instead
of
Bugs
it
was
first
base-
Alan,
second
base-Alan,
third
base-...
Rachel:
I mean, it-it was
like, it was like he made us into a team.
Chandler:
Yep,
we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing
or two about softball..
Monica:
Can
I
ask
you
guys
a
question?
D'you
ever
think
that
Alan is maybe..
sometimes..
Ross:
What?
Monica:
..I dunno, a little
too Alan?
Rachel:
Well, no. That's
impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross:
Yeah, it's his, uh,
innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
《
Friends
< br>》第一季
8
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Chandler:
I personally could
have a gallon of Alan.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a
homeless person (Lizzie)
she knows.]
Phoebe:
Hey,
Lizzie.
Lizzie:
Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe:
I brought you
alphabet soup.
Lizzie:
Did you pick out the
vowels?
Phoebe:
Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know,
Uh,
I
also
have
something
else
for
you.
(She
searches
in
her
purse.)
Lizzie:
Saltines?
Phoebe:
No, but
would you like a thousand dollars and a football
phone?
Lizzie:
What?
(She
opens
the
envelope
Phoebe
has
given
her.)
Oh my God, there's really money in
here.
Phoebe:
I
know.
Lizzie:
Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe:
No, I want you to
have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie:
No, no, I ha-I have
to give you something.
Phoebe:
Oh, that's fine, no.
Lizzie:
Would
you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe:
No. 'Cause you need
that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Lizzie:
Please, let me do
something.
Phoebe:
Okay, alright, you
buy me a soda, and then we're even.
Okay?
Lizzie:
Okay.
Phoebe:
Okay.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler
looks around, opens his desk
drawer,
takes
a
puff
of
a
cigarette,
sprays
around
some
air
freshener,
and
takes
some
breath
spray.
He
types
for
a
little
while,
opens
the
drawer
again,
and
takes
another
drag
of
the
cigarette.
While not paying attention, he sprays
the breath spray
around the room, takes
a squirt of air freshener and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are
at a hot dog vendor.]
Lizzie:
Keep
the
change.
(To
Phoebe)
Sure
you
don't
wanna
pretzel?
Phoebe:
No, I'm fine.
Lizzie:
(leaves)
See ya.
(Phoebe opens the
can and reacts.)
Phoebe:
Huh!
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Phoebe
is
telling
everyone
about
her
discovery.]
Ross:
A
thumb
?!
(Phoebe nods.)
All:
Eww!
Phoebe:
I
know!
I
know,
I
opened
it
up
and
there
it
was,
just
floating in there, like this tiny
little hitch-hiker!
Chandler:
Well,
maybe
it's
a
contest,
y'know?
Like,
collect
all
five?
Phoebe:
Does, um, anyone
wanna see?
All:
Nooo!
(Chandler lights a
cigarette.)
All:
Oh, hey,
don't do that! Cut it out!
Rachel:
It's worse than the
thumb!
Chandler:
Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica:
Oh, why is it
unfair?
Chandler:
So
I
have
a
flaw!
Big
deal!
Like
Joey's
constant
knuckle-cracking
isn't
annoying?
And
Ross,
with
his
over-pronouncing
every
single
word?
And
Monica,
with
that
snort
when
she
laughs?
I
mean,
what
the
hell
is
that
thing? ...I
accept all those flaws, why can't you
accept me for this?
(An
awkward silence ensues.)
Joey:
...Does the knuckle-
cracking bother everybody?
Rachel:
Well, I-I could live
without it.
Joey:
Well, is it, like, a
little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe
chews her hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
Ross:
Oh, now, don't listen
to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
Joey:
Oh,
(Imitating Ross)
(Monica
laughs and snorts.)
Ross:
You know, there's
nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Yeah,
'cause
otherwise
someone
might
get
what
they
actually ordered.
Rachel:
Ohh-ho-
hooohhh.
The
hair
comes
out,
and
the
gloves
come
on.
(They
degenerate
into
bickering
and
Chandler
happily
starts
to
smoke,
undisturbed.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica
and Paula are working.]
Monica:
Did
you
ever
go
out
with
a
guy
your
friends
all
really
like?
Paula: No.
Monica:
Okay..
Well,
I'm
going
out
with
a
guy
my
friends
all
really like.
Paula:
Waitwait.. we talking
about the coyotes here? All right, a
cow got through!
Monica:
Can you believe it?
...Y'know what? I just don't feel
the
thing
. I mean, they feel the
thing, I don't feel the thing.
Paula:
Honey.. you should
always feel
the thing
.
Listen, if that's
how you feel about
the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica:
I know.. it's gonna
be really hard.
Paula:
Well, he's a big boy,
he'll get over it.
Monica:
No, he'll be fine.
It's the other five I'm worried about.
[Scene:
Cental
Perk,
Joey
and
Ross
are
persecuting
Chandler
about his smoking.]
Joey:
Do you have any
respect for your body?
Ross:
Don't you realise what
you're-you're doing to yourself?
Chandler:
Hey,
y'know,
I
have
had
it
with
you
guys
and
your
cancer and your
emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom
line is, smoking is cool, and you know
it.
Rachel:
(holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's
Alan,
he wants to speak to you.
Chandler:
Really?
He
does?
(taking
the
phone)
Hey,
buddy,
what's
up!
Oh,
she
told
you
about
that,
huh.
Well,
yeah,
I
have
one now
and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that
big- ..well,
that's
true,..
Gee,
y'know,
no-
one-
no-one's
ever
put
it
like
that
before. Well, okay,
thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs
out his cigarette.)
Rachel:
(to Ross, who has
wandered up) God, he's good.
Ross:
If only he were a
woman.
Rachel:
Yeah.
(They give each other
a dubious look.)
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey
is watching Lambchop.]
Chandler:
Ooh, Lambchop. How
old is that sock? If I had a sock
on my
hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross:
Okay. I
think it's time to change somebody's nicotine
patch.
(Does so.)
Monica:
(entering) Hey.
Where's Joey?
Chandler:
Joey ate my last
stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you
think that was wrong?
Rachel:
I think he's across
the hall.
Monica:
Thanks. (Goes to
fetch him.)
Ross:
(finishing changing
Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.
Chandler:
(deadpan) Ooh, I'm
alive with pleasure now.
Ross:
Hey
Pheebs,
you
gonna
have
the
rest
of
that
Pop-
Tart?..
Pheebs?
Phoebe:
Does anyone want the
rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross:
Hey, I might!
Phoebe:
Sorry.
..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven
thousand dollars for the thumb.
All:
You're
kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe:
And on my way over
here, I stepped in gum. ...What is
up
with the universe?!
Joey:
(dragged in by Monica,
he has just gotten out of the shower)
What's going on?
Monica:
Nothing.
I
just
think
it's
nice
when
we're
all
here
together.
Joey:
Even nicer when
everyone gets to wear their underwear..
Rachel:
Uh,
Joey..
Joey:
Oh,
God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)
Monica:
(turns off the TV)
Okay..
All:
Oh!
That was Lambchop!
Monica:
Please, guys, we
have to talk.
Phoebe:
Wait, wait, I'm
getting a
deja vu
...no, I'm
not.
Monica:
Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe:
There it is!
Monica:
Okay.
It's-it's
about
Alan.
There's
something
that
you
should
know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say
this.. uh..
I've decided to break up
with Alan.
《
Frie
nds
》第一季
9
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(They all gasp and clutch each other.)
Ross:
Is there somebody
else?
Monica:
No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People
change.
Rachel:
We didn't change..
Joey:
So that's it? It's
over? Just like that?
Phoebe:
You know.. you let
your guard down, you start to really
care about someone, and I just- I-
(starts chewing her hair)
Monica:
Look, I- I could go
on pretending-
Joey:
Okay!
Monica:
-but
that
wouldn't
be
fair
to
me,
it
wouldn't
be
fair
to
Alan- It
wouldn't be fair to you!
Ross:
Who-who
wants
fair?
Y'know,
I
just
want
things
back.
Y'know, the way they were.
Monica:
I'm sorry..
Chandler:
(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel:
(tearful)
I
just
can't
believe
this!
I
mean,
with
the
holidays
coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
Monica:
I'll
meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
All:
Oh, yeah!
Right!
Monica:
Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross:
Hey hey, we'll be
fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
Monica:
(dubious) I understand.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is
breaking the news to Alan.]
Alan:
Wow.
Monica:
I'm, I'm really
sorry.
Alan:
Yeah,
I'm
sorry
too.
But,
I
gotta
tell
you,
I
am
a
little
relieved.
Monica:
Relieved?
Alan:
Yeah,
well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't
stand
your friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
everyone
is
mopping
around
and
eating ice cream.]
Rachel:
Remember
when
we
went
to
Central
Park
and
rented
boats?.. That was fun.
Ross:
Yeah. He could row
like a viking.
Monica:
(entering) Hi.
All:
Mmm.
Ross:
So how'd
it go?
Monica:
Oh, y'know..
Phoebe:
Did he mention us?
Monica:
He said
he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)
Ross:
You
had
a
rough
day,
huh..
c'mere.
(She
sits
down
and
Ross
strokes her forehead.)
Chandler:
...That's it. I'm
getting cigarettes.
All:
No no no!
Chandler:
(leaving)
I
don't
care,
I don't
care!
Game's
over!
I'm
weak!
I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe:
(shouting
as
he
leaves)
If
you
never
smoke
again
I'll
give you seven thousand
dollars!
Chandler:
(returns) Yeah,
alright.
End
104
The One With George Stephanopoulos
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there
except Joey.]
Monica:
Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Okay,
okay.
If
I
were
omnipotent
for
a
day,
I
would
want,
um,
world
peace,
no
more
hunger,
good
things
for
the
rain-forest...And bigger
boobs!
Ross:
Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about
you?
Chandler:
Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make
myself
omnipotent forever.
Rachel:
See, there's always
one guy. (Mocking)
I'd wish for three
more wishes.
All:
Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
Monica:
Hey, Joey, what
would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey:
Probably kill myself!
Monica:
..Excuse
me?
Joey:
Hey,
if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to
live!
Ross:
Joey, uh-
OM
nipotent.
Joey:
You
are
? Ross, I'm sorry..
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Ross
and
Monica
are
watching
Phoebe
sleep.]
Monica:
How does she do that?
Ross:
I cannot sleep in a
public place.
Monica:
Would you look at
her? She is so peaceful.
Phoebe:
(waking and
startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.
Ross:
It's okay,
y'know, you just nodded off again.
Monica:
What's going on with
you?
Phoebe:
I
got no sleep last night!
Ross:
Why?
Phoebe:
My
grandmother
has
this
new
boyfriend,
and
they're
both kind of
insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're
constantly,
like, having to reassure
each other that they're having a good time.
You have no idea how loud they are!
Monica:
Well,
if
you
want,
you
can
stay
with
Rachel
and
me
tonight.
Phoebe:
Thanks.
(Chandler and Joey enter.
Joey is counting his steps.)
Joey:
...Ninety-five,
ninety-six,
ninety-seven.
See,
I
told
you!
Less than a hundred steps from our
place to here.
Chandler:
You got waaaay too
much free time.
Joey:
(to Ross) Hey! Here's
the birthday boy! Ross, check it out:
hockey
tickets,
Rangers-Penguins,
tonight
at
the
Garden,
and
we're taking you.
Chandler:
Happy
birthday, pal!
Joey:
We love you, man.
(Kisses Ross)
Ross:
Funny, my birthday was
seven months ago.
Joey:
So?
Ross:
So, I'm guessing you
had an extra ticket and couldn't decide
which one of you got to bring a date?
Chandler:
Well,
aren't we Mr.
Ross:
Oh my God, oh- is
today the twentieth, October twentieth?
Monica:
Oh, I
was hoping you wouldn't remember.
Ross:
Ohhh.
Joey:
What's wrong with the
twentieth?
Chandler:
Eleven days before
Halloween.. all the good costumes
are
gone?
Ross:
Today's
the
day
Carol
and
I
first..
consummated
our
physical
relationship.
(Joey
is
puzzled.)
Sex.
..You
know
what,
I-I'd better pass on the game. I think
I'm just gonna go home and
think about
my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey:
The hell with hockey,
let's all do that!
Chandler:
(trying to stop
Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me,
Joey,
ice,
guys'
night
out,
c'mon,
whaddya
say,
big
guy,
(Pretending to punch
him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross:
What are you doing?
Chandler:
(stops) I have no idea.
Joey:
C'mon, Ross!
Ross:
Alright,
alright,
maybe
it'll
take
my
mind
off
it.
Do
you
promise to buy me a big thumb finger?
Chandler:
You
got it.
(Rachel runs up cluching an
envelope.)
Rachel:
Look-
look-look-look-look,
my
first
pay
check!
Look
at
the
window, there's my name! Hi, me!
Phoebe:
I remember the day I
got my first pay check. There was
a
cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were
killed.
Monica:
Wow, you worked in a mine?
Phoebe:
I worked in a
Dairy Queen
, why?
Rachel:
God,
isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables
for it,
I steamed milk for it, and it
was totally
—
(opens
envelope)
—
not
worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting
all my money? I mean,
what- Chandler,
look at that.
Chandler:
(looking) Oh, this
is not that bad.
Joey:
Oh, you're fine, yeah,
for a first job.
Ross:
You can totally,
totally live on this.
Monica:
Yeah, yeah.
Ross:
Oh, by the
way,
great
service tonight.
All:
Oh! Yeah!
(They all get their wallets
out and give generous tips.)
Guys:
Hockey!
(They
go
to
leave
but
are
blocked
by
three
of
Rachel's
friends,
Leslie,
Kiki,
and
Joanne.
The
guys
pause
to
stare at them.) Hockey!
Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie:
(looking around)
Rachel?
Rachel:
Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all
scream
and hug each other.
Monica:
(to
Phoebe)
I
swear
I've
seen
birds
do
this
on
Wild
Kingdom
.
Rachel:
What are
you guys doing here?
《
Friends
》第一季
10
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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Kiki:
Well, we were in the
city shopping, and your mom said you
work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne:
Look at you in the
apron. You look like you're in a play.
Rachel:
(to a pregnant
Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't
believe it!
Leslie:
I know. I know! I'm
a duplex.
Rachel:
(to Joanne) So
what's going on with you?
Joanne:
Well,
guess
who
my
dad's
making
partner
in
his
firm?
(She points to herself
and they all scream again.)
Kiki:
And while we're on the
subject of news.. (She holds up here
finger
to
show
off
her
engagement
ring
and
they
all
scream
again.)
Phoebe:
(to Monica) Look,
look, I have elbows! (They scream.)
[Scene:
A
Street,
Chandler
and
Joey
are
kicking
a
can
to
each
other.]
Chandler:
...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to
Joey.)
Joey:
Leetch
spots
Messier
in
the
crease-
there's
the
pass!
(He
kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring
into a shop window.)
Chandler:
We'll take a brief
time out while Messier stops to look
at
some women's shoes.
Ross:
Carol was wearing
boots just like those the night that we-
we
first-
y'know.
Fact,
she,
uh-
she
never
took'em
off,
'cause
we-
we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They
walk
on.
Chandler
and
Joey
start
to
talk
but
Ross
stops
and whines.)
Joey:
What?
Ross:
Peach pit.
Chandler:
Yes,
Bunny?
Ross:
(points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
Joey:
-Peaches?
Ross:
Actually,
nectarines, but basically...
Chandler:
(to Joey) Could've
been a peach.
Ross:
Then,
uh,
then
we
got
dressed,
and
I-I...
I
walked
her
to
the-
(looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop...
I'm fine.
Joey:
Hey,
that
woman's
got
an
ass
like
Carol's!
(They
turn
to
stare at him.) What? Thought we were
trying to find stuff.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Rachel,
Lesile,
Kiki,
and
Joanne
are
talking.]
Rachel:
So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki:
Well,
the
biggest
news
is
still
you
dumping
Barry
at
the
altar!
Joanne:
Alright.
Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel:
Okay.
Joanne:
When are you coming
home?
Rachel:
What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne:
C'mon, this is us.
Rachel:
I'm not!
This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-
Kiki:
Waitressing?
Rachel:
Okay,
I'm
not
just
waitressing.
I'm..
I,
um...
I
write
the
specials on the specials board, and,
uh... and I, uh... I take the uh
dead
flowers
out
of
the
vase...
Oh,
and,
um,
sometimes
Artelle
lets me put the little chocolate
blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie:
Well. Your mom
didn't tell us about the blobbies.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and
Monica are in pajamas
and Monica is
making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica:
Hey,
Rach.
How
was
it
with
your
friends?
(She
and
Phoebe
scream.)
Okay!
How
would
you
like
some
Tiki
Death
Punch? (She pours the
contents of the blender into some glasses.)
Rachel:
What's
that?
Monica:
Weeeell, it's rum, and-
Rachel:
Okay. (Grabs the
blender and starts to drink.)
Monica:
We thought since
Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd
have
kinda
like
a
slumber
party
thing.
We
got
some
trashy
magazines,
we
got
cookie
dough,
we
got
Twister
...
(The
phone
rings
and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe:
Ooh! Ooh! And I
brought
Operation
! But, um,
I lost the
tweezers, so we can't
operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica:
Uh, Rach, it's the
Visa
card people.
Rachel:
Oh, God,
ask them what they want.
Monica:
(on
phone)
Could
you
please
tell
me
what
this
is
in
reference
to?
(Listens)
Yes,
hold
on.
(To
Rachel)
Um,
they
say
there's been some
unusual activity on your account.
Rachel:
But I haven't used
my card in weeks!
Monica:
That
is
the unusual activity. Look, they just
wanna see if
you're okay.
Rachel:
They wanna know if
I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know
if I'm
okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA
guys took all
my money, everyone I know
is either getting married, or getting
promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm
getting coffee! And it's not
even for
me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then
you can
tell them I'm okay, okay?
Monica:
(pauses
then
on
the
phone)
Uh-
Rachel
has
left
the
building, can you call
back?
Rachel:
Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play
Twister
!
[Scene:
Madison Square Garden
, the
guys are trying to find their
seats.]
Ross:
(squeezing
past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
Chandler:
What?
There
was
ice
there
that
night
with
Carol?
Plastic seats? Four thousand angry
Pittsburgh fans?
Ross:
No, actually I was
just saying it looks like we're not sitting
together. But now you mention it, there
was
ice there that night...
It was the first frost...
Joey:
C'mon, sit. Just sit
down, sit.
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the
living
room.]
Monica:
You should feel
great about yourself! You're doing this
amazing independence thing!
Rachel:
Monica, what is so
amazing? I gave up, like, everything.
And for what?
Phoebe:
You are just like
Jack.
Rachel:
...Jack from downstairs?
Phoebe:
No, Jack and the
Beanstalk.
Monica:
Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe:
Yeah,
right! See, he gave up something, but then he got
those magic beans. And then he woke up,
and there was this, this
big plant
outside his window, full of possibilities and
stuff.. And
he lived in a village, and
you live in
the
Village..
Rachel:
Okay,
but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up
an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I
know I didn't love him-
Phoebe:
Oh, see, Jack did
love the cow.
Rachel:
But
see,
it
was
a
plan.
Y'know,
it
was
clear.
It
was
figured
out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe:
Floopy?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
So what,
you're not the only one. I mean, half the time
we
don't
know
where
we're
going.
You've
just
gotta
figure
at
some point it's all gonna
come together, and it's just gonna be...
un-floopy.
Phoebe:
Oh, like that's a
word.
Rachel:
Okay,
but
Monica,
what
if-
what
if
it
doesn't
come
together?
Monica:
...Pheebs?
Phoebe:
Oh,
well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this
question.
Rachel:
Okay,
see,
see,
you
guys,
what
if
we
don't
get
magic
beans? I mean, what if
all we've got are.. beans?
[Scene:
Madison
Square
Garden
,
the
guys
are
watching
the
game.]
Ross:
Get
him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing
now, are ya pal!
Chandler:
(to
Ross)
See
buddy,
that's all
you
need,
a
bunch of
toothless guys hitting each other with
sticks.
Ross:
Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler:
He's open!
All:
Shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
(The player
shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits
Ross in
the face.
Chandler
looks concered until he notices...)
Chandler:
Hey, look, we're
on that TV thing!
(Chandler
and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
Commercial Break
[Scene:
An
Emergency
Room,
Chandler
and
Joey
are
leading
Ross
in.]
Chandler:
(to the
receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist:
(holds up her
hand
—
she is on the phone) It
says to
call this number if you're not
completely satisfied with this candy
bar. Well, I'm not completely
satisfied.
Chandler:
Listen,
it's
kind
of
an
emergency.
Well,
I
guess
you
know that, or we'd be in
the predicament room. (The receptionist
glares at him.)
Receptionist:
(on phone)
Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out,
sit over there. (Tosses him some
forms.)
《
Friends
》第一季
11
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t
Ross:
(jumping to his feet)
Look, I don't wanna make any trouble,
okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here,
alright? My face is
dented
.
Receptionist:
Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Joey:
Well, how long do you
think it'll be?
Receptionist:
(sarcastic)
Any minute now.
Ross:
Hey,
this-
(she
gives
him
a
look
and
the
guys
back
off)
Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]
Rachel:
I'm so sorry, you
guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.
Monica:
No, you were right.
I don't have a plan. (There's a knock
on the door.)
Pizza Guy:
(yelling from
outside) Pizza guy!
Rachel:
Thank God. Food.
(She goes to answer the door.)
Monica:
Phoebe?
Phoebe:
What?
Monica:
Do you have a plan?
Phoebe:
I don't
even have a 'pl'.
Pizza
Guy:
Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green
pepper and onion?
Rachel:
(miserably)
No,
no,
that's
not
what
we
ordered...
We
ordered a fat-free crust with extra
cheese.
Pizza
Guy:
Wait, you're not 'nopoulos?' Man,
my dad's
gonna kill me!
Monica:
(leaping
off
of
the
couch
and
runs
up)
Wait!
Did
you
say 'nopoulos?'
Pizza
Guy:
Yeah.
This
one
goes
across
the
street,
I
must
have
given him yours. Oh,
bonehead, bonehead!
Monica:
Wait,
was
this
a-a
small
mediterranean
guy
with
curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy:
Yeah,
that sounds about right.
Monica:
Was he wearing a
stunning blue suit?
Phoebe:
And-and a power tie?
Pizza Guy:
No,
pretty much just a towel.
Monica:
(staggered) Oh God.
Pizza Guy:
So
you guys want me to take this back?
Monica:
Are you nuts?! We've
got George Stephanopoulos' pizza!
(Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some
binoculars, and runs to the
window.)
Rachel:
Uh,
Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe:
Big Bird's friend.
Monica:
I see
pizza!
Phoebe:
Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs
up
and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel:
Hello?
Who are we spying on?
Monica:
White House adviser?
Clinton's campaign guy? The one
with
the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Rachel:
Oh, him,
the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe:
Ooh, wait.. wait, I
see a woman.
Monica:
Please tell me it's
his mother.
Phoebe:
Definitely not his
mother.
Monica:
Oh, no...
Phoebe:
Oh, wait, she's
walking across the floor.. she's walking..
she's walking.. she's going for the
pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not
for
you,
bitch!
(Phoebe
covers
her
mouth
with
her
hand
walks
away from the window.)
[Scene:
The
Emergency
Room,
Joey
is
miming
hockey
pucks
kitting foreheads.
Chandler
realises it's getting tense and goes to
the receptionist again.]
Chandler:
Excuse
me,
look,
we've
been
here
for
over
an
hour,
and a lot of people less sick than my
friend have gone in. I mean,
that guy
with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She
slides
the gladd panel over and
Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.)
Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know
we both said some things
we
didn't
mean,
but
that
doesn't
mean
we
still
don't
love
each
other.
(To
the
waiting
room.)
Y'know,
I
feel
like
I've
lost
her..
(She
slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him
by surprise.)
Ba-!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls
are all out on the balcony.]
Monica:
Light still out?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
Oh.
Maybe they're- napping.
Rachel:
Oh please, they're
having sex.
Monica and
Phoebe: Shut up!
Rachel:
So, whaddya think
George is like?
Monica:
I think he's shy.
Phoebe:
Yeah?
Monica:
Yeah. I
think you have to draw him out. And then- when
you do- he's a preppy animal.
[Scene:
The
Emergency
Room,
Ross
is
still
going
on
about
his
first night with Carol.]
Ross:
I
remember
the
moonlight
coming
through
the
window-
and her face had the
most incredible glow.
Chandler:
Yes, the moon, the
glow, the magical feeling, you did
this
part- Could I get some painkillers over here,
please?
Joey:
He's
right,
enough,
already.
What
is
the
big
deal
about
today? So you slept with her for the
first time, so what? You slept
with her
for seven years after that.
Ross:
Look, it's just a
little more complicated...
Chandler:
Well, what? What?
What is it? That she left you? That
she
likes women? That she left you for another woman
that likes
women?
Ross:
Little
louder,
okay,
I
think
there's
a
man
on
the
twelfth
floor in a coma that
didn't quite hear you...
Chandler:
Then what?
Ross:
My first
time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)
Joey:
What?
Ross: It was my first time.
Joey:
With
Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler:
So
in
your
whole
life,
you've
only
been
with
one
—
(He gets a
look too)
—
oh.
Joey:
Whoah, boy, hockey was
a big mistake! There was a whole
bunch
of stuff we could've done tonight!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
the
girls
are
still
out
on
the
balcony.]
Monica:
Okay.
Okay,
I
got
one.
Do
you
remember
that
vegetarian pate that I made that you
loved so much?
Phoebe:
Uh-huh.
Monica:
Well, unless goose
is a vegetable...ha haaaah!
Phoebe:
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Okay,
fine, fine. Now I
don't feel so bad
about sleeping with
Jason Hurley.
Monica:
What?! You slept
with Jason?
Phoebe:
You'd already broken
up.
Rachel:
How
long?
Phoebe:
A
couple hours.
Monica:
Oh, that's nice!
Rachel:
Okay,
okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the
cushion
she
was
leaning
against
falls
off
of
the
balcony.)
Anyway-
The
valentine
Tommy
Rollerson
left
in
your
locker
was
really
from
me.
Monica:
Excuse
me?!
Rachel:
Hello?
Like
he
was
really
gonna
send
you
one?
(To
Phoebe) She was a
big girl
.
Monica:
Really. Well, at
least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in
seventh grade!
Rachel:
I
was
laughing!
You
made
me
laugh!
(Monica
and
Rachel start to squabble)
Phoebe:
There he is! There
he is!
Monica:
Where?
Phoebe:
Right- where we've been looking all night!
Rachel:
He is so
cute!
Monica:
Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
All:
Yeah,
drop
it!
Drop
the
towel!
Please
drop
the
—
< br>(pause)
—
wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room,
Ross is absent.]
Joey:
Man.
Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
Chandler:
I
think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's
romantic...
Joey:
Really?
Chandler:
No, you kidding?
The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off
camera)
Both:
Hey, buddy.
Ross:
Hi.
(He
is
wearing
a
piece
of
steel
bandaged
to
his
nose.
He tosses some forms onto reception
desk.)
Receptionist:
(sarcastic)
Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler:
Oh, I thought you
were great in Silence of the Lambs.
Oh
come on, admit it! All things considered, you had
fun tonight.
Ross:
Fun? Where was the
fun? Tell me specifically, which part
was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Joey:
Oh, ah-
the kid has it.
Ross:
The
kid...?
(To
the
kid)
Excuse
me,
uh,
that's,
that's
my
puck.
Kid:
I
found
it.
Finders
keepers,
losers
weepers.
(Ross
looks
at
《
Friends
》第一季
12
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t
Chandler for help.)
Chandler:
You gotta do it,
man.
Ross:
(to
the
kid)
Oh
yeah?
Well,
I'm
rubber,
you're
glue,
whatever
—
(to
Chandler)
—
can't
do
it.
(to
the
kid)
Listen,
uh-
gimme back my puck.
Kid:
No.
Ross:
'Yes', how
about. C'mere. Gimme!
Kid:
No! No! (They start to
fight over it.)
Receptionist:
Hey! Hey! No
rough holding in my ER!
Ross:
(tries to snatch it
from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but
it
files out of his grasp and knocks out the
receptionist)
Ross:
...Now
that
was fun.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Joey
and
the
girls
are
playing
twister.]
Ross:
(Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Monica:
Could've
played
Monopoly
, but nooooo.
(There's
a
knock
on
the
door,
Chandler
opens
it,
and
silently
hands back the
cushion.)
Chandler:
Thanks. (The guy
nods and leaves)
Ross:
Okay,
Pheebs:
Right
hand
blue.
(Phoebe
has
to
bend
over.)Good. (Joey
stares at her butt appreciatively)
(The phone rings and Chandler answers
it.)
Chandler:
Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the
Visa
card people.
Rachel:
Oh, okay. Will you
take my place?
Chandler:
Alright. (on
phone) Yes, this is Rachel.
Rachel:
Nooo!
(She
grabs
the
phone
and
Chandler
takes
her
place
on
the
mat.)
(On
phone)
Hello?
(Listens)
Oh,
yeah,
no,
I
know, I-I haven't been using it much.
(Listens) Oh, well, thanks,
but, I'm
okay, really.
Ross:
Green. To the green.
Rachel:
(on
phone) I've got
magic beans. (Listens)
Never-never
mind.
Chandler:
To the left, to
the left- aww! (They all collapse)
Rachel:
(on phone) Ohhh...
I'm fine.
End
105
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
[Scene: Central Perk, all six are
there.]
Monica:
Would you
let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Ross:
Not
that
big
a
deal?
It's
amazing.
Ok,
you
just
reach
in
there,
there's
one
little
maneuver,
and
bam,
a
bra
right
out
the
sleeve.
All right, as far as
I'm
concerned, there is nothing a guy
can do that even comes close. Am I
right?
Rachel:
Come on! You
guys can pee standing up.
Chandler:
We can? All right,
I'm tryin' that.
Joey:
Ok,
you
know
what
blows
my
mind?
Women
can
see
breasts any time they
want. You just look down and there they are.
How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe:
Oh, ok, you know
what I don't get? The way
guys can
do so many mean things, and then not
even care.
(Long pause.)
Ross:
Multiple orgasms!
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, all are there.]
Chandler:
So, Saturday
night, the big night, date night, Saturday
night, Sat-ur-day night!
Joey:
No plans, huh?
Chandler:
Not a one.
Ross:
Not even, say,
breaking up with Janice?
Chandler:
Oh, right, right,
shut up.
Monica:
Chandler,
nobody likes breaking up with someone. You
just gotta do it.
Chandler:
No, I know, but
it's just so hard, you know? I mean,
you're
sitting
there
with
her,
she
has
no
idea
what's
happening,
and
then
you
finally
get
up
the
courage
to
do
it,
and
there's
the
horrible awkward moment when you've
handed her the note.
Joey:
Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man,
just stop
calling.
Phoebe:
You know, if you
want, I'll do it with you.
Chandler:
Oh, thanks, but I
think she'd feel like we're gangin' up
on her.
Phoebe:
No,
I
mean
you
break
up
with
Janice
and
I'll
break
up
with
Tony.
Ross:
Tony?
Monica:
Oh, you're
breaking up with Tony?
Phoebe:
Yeah, I know, he's
sweet, but it's just not fun anymore,
you know? I don't know if it's me, or
his hunger strike, or, I don't
know.
Rachel:
(waitressing) Does
anybody want anything else?
Ross:
Oh, yeah, last week
you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey
kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel
gives him a dirty look) Nothing,
just,
just, I'm fine.
Phoebe:
(to
Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
Rachel:
It's
my
father.
He
wants
to
give
me
a
Mercedes
convertible.
Ross:
That guy, he burns me
up.
Rachel:
Yeah, well, it's
a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it
was horrible. He called me
young lady
.
Chandler:
Ooh, I hate when
my father calls me that.
Monica:
Did
he
give
you
that
whole
thing again?
Rachel:
Oh,
yeah,
yeah.
Actually,
I
got
the
extended
disco
version,
with
three
choruses
of
never
make
it
on
your
own
Phoebe:
(rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
(Angela,
a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)
Angela:
Hi, Joey.
Joey:
My god, Angela.
(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
Monica:
Wow, being dumped by
you obviously agrees with her.
Phoebe:
Are you gonna go
over there?
Joey:
No, yeah,
no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager.
One
Mississippi,
two
Mississippi,
three
Mississippi.
That
seems
pretty
cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.
Angela:
(casually) Joey.
Joey:
You
look good.
Angela:
That's
because
I'm
wearing
a
dress
that
accents
my
boobs.
Joey:
You don't say.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next
to one of the tables.)
Ross:
So,
uh,
Rachel,
what
are
you,
uh,
what're
you
doing
tonight?
Rachel:
Oh, big glamour
night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
Ross:
Oh, you uh, you wanna
hear a freaky coincidence? Guess
who's
doing laundry there too?
Rachel: Who?
Ross:
Me. Was that not
clear? Hey,
why don't, um, why don't I
just join you both, here?
Rachel:
Don't you have a
laundry room in your building?
Ross:
Yes,
I
do
have
a
laundry
room
in
my
building,
um,
but
there's
a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to
the dryer
sheets, and they're goin' in
fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy.
Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel: Sure.
(Cut back to
Joey and Angela at the counter.)
Angela:
Forget it Joey. I'm
with Bob now.
Joey:
Bob? Who
the hell's Bob?
Angela:
Bob
is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he
has a
real
job.
You,
you
go
on
three
auditions
a
month
and
you
call
yourself an actor, but Bob...
Joey:
Come on, we were great
together. And not just at the fun
stuff, but like, talking too.
Angela:
Yeah, well, sorry,
Joe. You said let's just be friends, so
guess what?
Joey:
What?
Angela:
We're just
friends.
Joey:
Fine,
fine,
so,
why
don't
the
four
of
us
go
out
and
have
dinner together
tonight? You know, as friends?
Angela:
What four of us?
Joey:
You know, you and Bob,
and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh,
Monica.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's
apartment,
Joey
is
there,
trying
to
convince
Monica
to
pose
as
his
girlfriend.
His
plan
is
to
hook
Monica
up
with
Angela's
boyfriend
Bob
and
then
take
Angela
back for himself.]
Joey:
Monica, I'm tellin'
you, this guy is perfect for you.
Monica:
Forget
it.
Not
after
your
cousin
who
could
belch
the
alphabet.
Joey:
Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's
Angela's...
《
Friends
< br>》第一季
13
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brother. He's smart, he's
sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I
go on three auditions a month and call
myself an actor, but Bob
is...
Monica:
(looking out window)
Oh, god help us.
Joey:
What?
Monica:
Ugly Naked Guy's
laying kitchen tile. Eww!
Joey:
Eww!
Look,
I'm
asking
a
favor
here.
If
I
do
this
for
her
brother, maybe Angela will come back to
me.
Monica:
What's going on
here? You go out with tons of girls.
Joey:
(proud) I know, but, I
made a huge mistake. I never should
have broken up with her. Will you help
me? Please?
[Scene: Ross' apartment,
Chandler is over.]
Ross:
(on
phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not
coming,
it's just gonna be me and
Rachel.
Chandler:
Oh.
Well,
hold
on
camper,
are
you
sure
you've
thought this thing through?
Ross:
It's laundry. The
thinking through is minimal.
Chandler:
It's just you and
Rachel, just the two of you? This is a
date. You're going on a date.
Ross:
Nuh-uh.
Chandler:
Yuh-huh.
Ross:
So what're you saying
here? I should shave again, pick up
some wine, what?
Chandler:
Well,
you
may
wanna
rethink
the
dirty
underwear.
This
is
basically
the
first
time
she's
gonna
see
your
underwear
—
you
want it to be dirty?
Ross:
(sheepish) No.
Chandler:
Oh,
and uh, the fabric softener?
Ross:
Ok,
ok,
now
what
is
wrong
with
my
Snuggles
?
What,
it
says
I'm
a
sensitive,
warm
kinda
guy,
you
know,
like
a
warm,
fuzzy
bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
Chandler:
There you go.
[Scene:
A
fancy
restaurant,
Joey
and
Monica
are
there,
meeting
Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is
Angela's brother.]
Monica:
Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is
he
tall? Short?
Joey:
Yep.
Monica:
Which?
Joey:
Which what?
Monica:
You've never met
Bob, have you?
Joey:
No, but
he's...
Monica:
Oh
my
god,
Joey,
for
all
we
know
this
guy
could
be
horribly...
(Angela and Bob
walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Angela:
Hey, Joey.
Monica:
...horribly
attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and
Phoebe are there, both ready
to break
up with their significant others.]
Chandler:
Where are they?
Where are they?
Phoebe:
This
is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler:
It's great. Maybe
tomorrow we can rent a car and run
over
some puppies.
Phoebe:
Eww, I
don't wanna do that.
(Janice and
Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
Chandler:
Here we go.
Phoebe:
Ok, have a good
break-up.
Chandler:
Hey,
Janice.
Janice:
Oh, my god,
I am so glad you called me. I had the most
supremely awful day.
Chandler:
Hey, that's not
good. Can I get an espresso and a latte
over here, please?
Janice:
We got the proofs
back from that photo shoot, you know,
the
one
with
the
little
vegetables.
Anyway,
they
pretty
much
sucked,
so,
I
blew
off
the
rest
of
the
day,
and
I
went
shopping...(looks
through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking,
I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...
(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with
Tony. She talks to him
for
a
few
seconds,
hugs
him,
and
then
he
leaves.
Chandler
is
amazed how easy it was for her.)
Chandler: What?
Janice:
What?
Chandler:
(covering)
What... did you get me there?
Janice:
I got you...these.
(pulls out a pair of socks)
Chandler:
Bullwinkle socks.
That's so sweet.
Janice:
Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured,
you
know, you can wear Bullwinkle and
Bullwinkle, or you can wear
Rocky and
Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and
squirrel.
Whatever you want.
Chandler:
That's great.
(The drinks arrive, and
Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)
Chandler:
Well,
I'm
gonna
get
another
espresso.
Can
I
get
you
another latte?
Janice:
(holding the full
cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.
(Chandler
walks
over
to
the
counter
where
Phoebe
is,
and
is
asking her about the
break-up.)
Chandler:
That's
it?
Phoebe:
Yeah, it was
really hard.
Chandler:
Oh,
yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
Phoebe:
Ok, you weren't
there.
[Scene:
The
Launderama,
Rachel
is
there,
waiting
for
Ross.
An
old
woman
takes
Rachel's
clothes
off
the
machine
and
begins
loading it with her things.]
Woman:
Comin' through. Move,
move.
Rachel:
Oh, 'scuse me.
I was kinda using that machine.
Woman:
Yeah, well, now
you're kinda not.
Rachel:
But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman:
Oh,
I'm
sorry,
is
that
your
basket?
It's
really
pretty.
Unfortunately, I
don't see suds.
Rachel: What?
Woman:
No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross:
What's goin' on?
Rachel:
Hi,
uh,
nothing.
That
horrible
woman
just
took
my
machine.
Ross:
Was your basket on top?
Rachel:
Yeah, but, there
were no suds.
Ross: So?
Rachel:
Well, you know, no
suds, no save.
Ross:
No
suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman)
That's
my friend's machine.
Woman:
Hey, hey, hey, her
stuff wasn't in it.
Ross:
Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know
it.
(The
woman
and
Ross
stare
at
each
other.
Finally
she
takes
her
stuff out of the machine
and leaves.)
Ross:
(to
the
crowd
in
the
laundromat)
All
right,
show's
over.
Nothing to see here.
(to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
Rachel:
That was amazing. I
can't even send back soup.
Ross:
Well,
that's
because
you're
such
a
sweet,
gentle,
uh...Do
you, uh, do
you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry
detergent.)
Rachel:
What's
that?
Ross:
Uberveiss
. It's new, it's
German, it's extra-tough.
(Rachel
starts to load her clothes.)
Ross:
Rach, do you uh, are
you gonna separate those?
Rachel:
Oh god. Oh, am I
being like a total laundry spaz? I mean,
am
I
supposed
to
use
like
one
machine
for
shirts
and
another
machine for pants?
Ross:
Rach, have
you never done this before?
Rachel:
Well, not myself,
but I know other people that have. Ok,
you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross:
Uh,
well,
don't
worry,
I'll
use
the
gentle
cycle.
Ok,
um,
basically
you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a
whole
nother
machine
for
colors,
and
a
third
for
your
uh,
your
uh,
delicates,
and
that
would
be
your
bras
and
your
under-
panty
things.
Rachel:
(holds a pair of
panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what
about these are white cotton panties.
Would they go with whites
or delicates?
Ross:
(visibly nervous) Uh,
that, that, that would be a judgment
call.
[Scene:
Fancy
restaurant,
Monica,
Joey,
Angela,
and
Bob
are
seated at the table.]
Monica:
(to Joey) He is so
cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where
did
you guys grow up?
Angela:
Brooklyn Heights.
Bob:
Cleveland.
Monica:
How, how
did that happen?
Joey:
Oh my
god.
Monica: What?
Joey:
I suddenly had the
feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
《
Friends
》第一季
14
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网址：
t
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]
Joey:
So, you and Angela,
huh?
Bob:
Yep. Pretty much.
Joey:
You're a lucky man.
You know what I miss the most about
her?
That
cute
nibbly
noise
when
she
eats.
Like
a
happy
little
squirrel, or a weasel.
Bob:
Huh, I never really
noticed.
Joey:
Oh, yeah,
yeah, listen for it.
Bob:
Monica, Monica is great.
Joey:
Yeah, but it's not
gonna last. She's too much for me in bed.
Sexually.
[Scene:
The
ladies'
bathroom
at
the
restaurant,
Monica
and
Angela are talking.]
Monica:
I've gotta tell you,
Bob is terrific.
Angela:
Yeah, isn't he?
Monica:
It
is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny,
and
has an emotional age beyond, like
eight.
Angela:
You know what
else? He's unbelievable in bed.
Monica:
Wow. My brother
never even told me when he lost his
virginity.
Angela:
Huh. That's nice.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Phoebe
is
coaching
Chandler
on
how
to
break up with Janice.]
Phoebe:
Ok, you can do this.
It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
Just do it really fast, and then the
wound is exposed.
(Chandler walks back
to couch, where Janice is.)
Chandler:
Janice.
Hi,
Janice.
Ok,
here
we
go.
I
don't
think
we
should go out anymore.
Janice.
Janice:
All right.
Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound
up, and begins to try and calm herself
down) Stop it, stop it, stop
it.
[Scene: The laundromat.]
Rachel:
Ok, I know this is
gonna sound really stupid, but I feel
that
if
I
can
do
this,
you
know,
if
I
can
actually
do
my
own
laundry, there isn't anything I can't
do.
Ross:
That does not
sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the
first
time
I
had
to
make
dinner
for
myself,
after
Carol
left
me?
(the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm
sorry, that's all the time
we have.
Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.
Rachel:
What uh-oh?
Ross:
(not wanting to tell
her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done.
It's,
uh,
it's
a
song.
The
laundry
song
that
we
sing.
(singing)
Uh-oh the
laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Rachel:
Ross, what's the
matter?
Ross:
Nothing,
nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
Rachel:
Come on, show me.
Ross:
All right, all right,
it's just that you left a red sock in with
all your whites, and now, everything's
kinda pink.
Rachel:
Oh,
everything's pink.
Ross:
Yeah,
uh,
except
for
the
red
sock,
which
is
still
red.
I'm
sorry, please don't be upset, it could
happen to anyone.
Rachel:
Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm
gonna
look like a big marshmallow peep.
What am I doing? What am I
doing? My
father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't
even do
laundry!
(The woman
who had tried to steal the washing machine walks
by,
and laughs.)
[Scene: The
fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's
shirt,
and Monica is very
uncomfortable.]
Monica:
Something
went
wrong
with
Underdog,
and
they
couldn't get his head
to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like
flopping
down
Broadway,
right,
and
I'm
just
thinking...
how
inappropriate this is. Um, I've got
something in my eye, uh, Joey,
could we
check it in the light, please?
(Her and Joey walk away from the
table.)
Monica:
Oh my god.
Joey:
What?
Monica:
Hello! Were we at
the same table? It's like... cocktails in
Appalachia.
Joey:
Come on, they're close.
Monica:
Close? She's got her
tongue in his ear.
Joey:
Oh,
like
you've
never
gotten
a
little
rambunctious
with
Ross.
Monica:
Joey, this is sick,
it's disgusting, it's,
it's
—
not really true,
is it?
Joey:
Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
Monica:
Oh my god, what were
you thinking?
Joey:
All
right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well,
maybe I am
a little.
Monica:
(hits him lightly)
Oh!
Joey: Ow!
Monica:
(leaving) I'm outta
here.
Joey:
Wait, wait,
wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.
Monica:
Really?
Joey:
Yeah. I'm thinking, if
we put our heads together, between
the
two of us, we can break them up.
[Time
lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on
Bob's shirt
and is wiping it off. Joey
is making eyes at Angela.]
Monica:
I'm so sorry, I
can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop
laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
(Angela is eating chicken wings and
making the weasel-like noise
Joey had
told Bob about.)
Joey:
Uh,
waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still
trying to ease things over
with Janice,
and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in
front of him. He is extremely wired.]
Chandler:
Here's
the
thing,
Janice.
You
know,
I
mean,
it's
like
we're different. I'm
like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom,
boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and
hits Janice in the eye)...
boom.
Janice: Ow!
Chandler:
Oh, my god, I'm so
sorry. Are you ok?
Janice:
Ow. Um, it's just
my lens. It's just my
lens. I'll be right
back.
(She leaves.)
Chandler:
(to Phoebe) I hit
her in the eye! I hit her in the eye!
This is the worst break-up in the
history of the world.
Phoebe:
Oh
my
god.
(Chandler
downs
another
espresso.)
How
many of those have you had?
Chandler:
Oh, I don't know,
a million?
Phoebe:
Chandler,
easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la
la la la.
Chandler:
I'm fine.
Phoebe:
All right.
(Janice returns from the
bathroom.)
Chandler:
I'm not
fine. Here she comes.
Phoebe:
Wait here. Breathe.
(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice.
She talks to
her for a few
seconds, and then Janice immediately
smiles, hugs her, waves to
Chandler,
and leaves.)
Chandler:
How
do you do that?
Phoebe:
It's
like a gift.
Chandler:
We
should always always break up together.
Phoebe:
Oh, I'd like that.
[Scene:
The
Launderama.
Rachel
is
sorting
her
now-pink
clothes.]
Ross:
You got the clothes
clean. Now that's the important part.
Rachel:
Oh, I guess. Except
everything looks like jammies now.
(The
same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry
cart.)
Rachel:
Whoa, I'm
sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
Woman:
Yeah, well, I had a
24-inch waist. You lose things. Now
come on, get outta my way.
(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to
her to get the cart back.)
Rachel:
I'm sorry, you know,
maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this
is
our cart.
Woman:
Hey, hey,
hey there aren't any clothes in it.
Rachel:
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
quit making up rules!
Woman:
Let go!
(They struggle for the cart.
Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)
Rachel:
All
right,
listen,
missy.
If
you
want
this
cart,
you're
gonna have to take me
with it!
(She thinks it
over, and then walks away.)
Rachel:
(to Ross) Yes! Did
you see that?
Ross:
You
were
incredible!
Brand
new
woman,
ladies
and
gentlemen.
Rachel:
I could not have
done this without you.
(Rachel stands
up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of
silence follows.)
Ross:
Ok,
um,
uh,
more
clothes
in
the
dryer?
(Ross
turns
and
《
Friends
》第一季
15
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t
bangs his head on an open dryer door.)
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Rachel:
Are you sure?
Ross: No.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Ross,
Rachel,
and
Phoebe
are
there.
Ross
has an icepack to his
head.]
Rachel:
Oh, are you
sure you're ok?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Does it still hurt?
Ross:
Yeah.
Phoebe:
(seeing
Rachel's
clothes)
What
a
neat
idea.
All
your
clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
(Monica and Joey enter.)
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe:
Hey, how'd it go?
Joey:
Excellent.
Monica:
We
ripped
that
couple
apart,
and
kept
the
pieces
for
ourselves.
Ross:
What a beautiful
story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
Monica:
(notices his head)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Rachel:
Where's Chandler?
Phoebe:
Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
(Chandler runs by the window outside,
joyous.)
Chandler:
I'm free!
I'm free!
Phoebe:
That
oughta do it.
End
106 The One With the Butt
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the
audience wating for a play
of Joey's to
start.]
Rachel:
(reading
the
program)
Ooh!
Look!
Look!
Look!
Look,
there's Joey's
picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler:
You
can
always
spot
someone
who's
never
seen
one
of
his
plays
before.
Notice,
no
fear,
no
sense
of
impending
doom...
Phoebe:
The exclamation
point in the title scares me. (Gesturing)
Y'know, it's not just
Freud
, it's
Freud!
(The
lights dim.)
Ross:
Oh, shhh,
shh. Magic is about to happen.
(The
lights
go
up
on
the
stage,
Joey,
as
Freud,
is
talking
to
a
female patient.)
Joey:
Vell, Eva, ve've done
some excellent vork here, and I vould
have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite
clear. (He goes into a song
and dance
number.)
All you want is a
dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
Opening Credits
[Scene:
The
Theater,
the
play
has
ended
and
everyone
is
applauding.
As soon as the
cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit
down heavily.]
Rachel:
God. I feel
violated.
Monica:
Did
anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the
skin
off their body, to have something
else to do?
Chandler:
(staring
at
a
woman
across
the
room)
Ross,
ten
o'clock.
Ross:
Is
it? Feels like two.
Chandler: No, ten
o'clock.
Ross:
What?
Chandler:
(sighs
and
gestures
to
explain)
There's
a
beautiful
woman
at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
Ross:
Oh. Hel-lo!
Chandler:
She's
amazing!
She
makes
the
women
that
I
dream
about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica:
Well, go over to
her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler:
Oh
yeah,
and
what
would
my
opening
line
be?
'Excuse
me. Blarrglarrghh.'
Rachel:
Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler:
Oh please, could
she
be
more out of my
league? Ross,
back me up here.
Ross:
He could never get a
woman like that in a million years.
Chandler:
Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe:
Oh,
oh,
but
y'know,
you
always
see
these
really
beautiful women with these really
nothing guys, you could be one
of those
guys.
Monica:
You could do
that!
Chandler:
Y'think?
All:
Yeah!
Chandler:
Oh God, I can't
believe I'm even considering this... I'm
very very aware of my tongue...
Ross:
C'mon! C'mon!
Chandler:
Here
goes.
(He
walks
over
to
her
but
just
stands
there.)
Aurora:
...Yes?
Chandler:
Hi....
um...
okay,
next
word...
would
be...
Chandler!
Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He
clears his throat noisily)...hi.
Aurora:
Yes, you said that.
Chandler:
Yes,
yes I did, but what I didn't say
was
what I was
about to say, what I wanted to say was,
uh... would you like to go
out
with
me
sometime,
thankyou,
goodnight.
(He
walks
back
to
the others but she calls
him back.)
Aurora:
Chandler?
(Joey enters from behind a curtain.
The others all talk at once.)
All:
Hey! You're in a play!
I didn't know you could dance! You
had
a beard!
Joey:
Whadja think?
(Pause)
All:
...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could
dance! You
had a beard!
Joey:
C'mon, you guys, it
wasn't that bad. It was better than that
thing I did with the trolls, at least
you got to see my head.
All:
(admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
Chandler:
(running back) She
said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey)
Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her
name's Aurora, and she's
Italian,
and
she
pronounces
my
name
'Chand-lrr'.
'Chand-lrr'.
I
think I like it better that way. (To
Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave
me
this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his
pocket.)
Rachel:
What is it?
Joey:
The Estelle Leonard
Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left
me
its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!
Phoebe:
Based on
this play
? ...Based on this
play!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone
else is there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, kids.
All:
Hey.
Phoebe:
(reading Monica's
palm) No, 'cause this line is passion,
and this is... just a line.
Chandler:
Well,
I
can't
believe
I've
been
here
almost
seven
seconds and you haven't asked me how my
date went.
Monica:
Oh,
right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
Chandler:
It was
unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her.
She's had the most amazing life! She
was in the Israeli army...
(A flashback
of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central
Perk
is denoted by italics.)
Aurora:
...Luckily
none
of
the
bullets
hit
the
engine
block.
So,
we made it to the border, but just
barely, and I- ...I've been talking
about myself all night long, I'm sorry.
What about you? Tell me
one of your
stories.
Chandler:
Alright.
Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at
night, and I rode it all the way to
Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler:
We
talked
'til
like
two.
It
was this
perfect
evening...
more or less.
Aurora:
...All of a sudden
we realised we were in Yammon.
Chandler:
Oh, I'm sorry, so
'we' is?
Aurora:
'We' would
be me and Rick.
Joey:
Who's
Rick?
Chandler:
Who's Rick?
Aurora:
My husband.
All:
Ooooohhh.
Chandler:
Oh, so you're
divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler:
Oh, I'm sorry,
then you're widowed?...Hopefully?
Aurora:
No, I'm still
married.
Chandler:
So tell
me, how do- how do you think your husband
would feel about you sitting here with
me?...Sliding your foot so
far up my
pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?
Aurora:
Don't
worry.
I
imagine
he'd
be okay
with
you
because
really, he's okay with Ethan.
Chandler:
Ethan? There's,
there's an Ethan?
Aurora:
Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
《
Friends
》第一季
16
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t
All:
What?!
Chandler:
So explain
something to me here, uh, what kind of a
relationship
do
you
imagine
us
having
if
you
already
have
a
husband and a boyfriend?
Aurora:
I suppose mainly
sexual.
Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica:
Oh. I'm sorry it
didn't work out.
Chandler:
What
'not
work
out'?
I'm
seeing
her
again
on
Thursday. Didn't you listen to the
story?
Monica:
Didn't
you
listen
to
the
story?
I
mean,
this
is
twisted!
How
could you get involved with a woman like this?
Chandler:
Well, y'know, I
had some trouble with it at first too,
but the way I look at it is, I get all
the good stuff: all the fun, all
the
talking, all the sex; and
none
of the responsibility.
I mean, this
is every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah. That is
not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
Ross:
No, of course not!
(Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
Monica:
What? So you guys
don't mind going out with someone
else
who's going out with someone else?
Joey:
I couldn't do it.
Monica:
Good for you, Joey.
Joey:
When I'm with a woman,
I need to
know
that I'm
going out
with more people than she is.
Ross:
Well,
y'know,
monogamy
can
be
a,
uh,
tricky
concept.
I
mean,
anthropologically speaking-
(They all
pretend to fall asleep.)
Ross:
Fine. Fine, alright,
now you'll never know.
Monica:
We're kidding.
C'mon, tell us!
All:
Yeah!
C'mon!
Ross:
Alright.
There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
(They all fall asleep again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is
there as enter except Joey
enter.]
Rachel:
Tah-daaah!
Chandler:
Are
we
greeting
each
other
this
way
now?
'Cause
I
like that.
Rachel:
Look! I cleaned! I
did the windows, I did the floors... I
even
used
all
the
attachments
on
the
vacuum,
except
that
little
round one with the
bristles, I don't know what that's for.
Ross:
Oh yeah, nobody knows.
And we're not supposed to ask.
Rachel:
Well, whaddya think?
All:
Very clean! It looks
great! Terrific!
Monica:
...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
All:
Uh-oh...
Monica:
How-how did that
happen?
Rachel:
I
dunno..
I-I
thought
it
looked
better
there.
And
I-
and
also, it's
an extra seat around the coffee table.
Monica:
Yeah,
yeah,
it's
interesting..
but
y'know
what?
Just
for
fun, let's see what it
looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.)
Alright, just to compare. Let's see.
Well, it looks good there too.
Let's
just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe:
(to
Rachel)
I
can't
believe
you
tried
to
move
the
green
ottoman.
Chandler:
Thank God you
didn't try to fan out the magazines. I
mean, she'll scratch your eyes right
out.
Monica:
You guys, I am
not that bad!
Phoebe:
Yeah,
you
are,
Monica.
Remember
when
I
lived
with
you?
You
were
like,
a
little,
y'know,
(psycho)
Ree!
Ree!
Ree!
Ree!
Monica:
That is so unfair!
Ross:
Oh
c'mon!
When
we
were
kids,
yours
was
the
only
Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
Monica:
Okay, so I'm
responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can
be a kook.
Ross:
Alright,
you
madcap
gal.
Try
to
imagine
this.
The
phone
bill
arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica:
Why not?
Ross:
Because
you're
a
kook!
Instead
you
wait
until
they
send
you a notice.
Monica:
I could do that.
Rachel:
Okay,
uh,
you
let
me
go
grocery
shopping,
and
I
buy
laundry detergent, but
it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Monica:
Why would someone do
that?! ...One might wonder.
Chandler:
Someone's left a
glass on the coffee table. There's no
coaster.
It's
a
cold
drink,
it's
a
hot
day.
Little
beads
of
condensation
are
inching
their
way
closer
and
closer
to
the
surface of
the wood...
Monica:
STOP
IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
Ross:
Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe:
Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the
phone.)
Joey:
(on phone) Uh
huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll
be there! (He hangs up and to all.)
That was my agent. (He tosses
and
catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a
job...in the
new Al Pacino movie!
All:
Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica:
Well, what's the
part?
Joey:
Can
you
believe
this?
Al
Pacino!
This
guy's
the
reason
I
became an actor!
This whole courtroom's out of
order!
Phoebe:
Seriously,
what-what's the part?
Joey:
Ross:
C'mon, seriously,
Joey, what's the part?
Joey:
...I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel:
..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey:
...I'm his butt
double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright?
He goes into the shower, and then- I'm
his butt.
Monica:
(trying
not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey:
C'mon, you guys. This
is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it,
and that's big!
Chandler:
Oh no, it's
terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve
this,
after all your years of
struggling, you've finally been able to crack
your way into showbusiness.
Joey:
Okay,
okay,
fine!
Make
jokes,
I
don't
care!
This
is
a
big
break for
me!
Ross:
You're right,
you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all
to the big opening?
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is
getting
the door.]
Monica:
Alright, alright,
alright...
(Joey enters
with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
Joey:
Here. I need to borrow
some moisturizer.
Monica:
For what?
Joey:
Whaddya
think? Today's the big day!
Monica:
Oh my God. Okay, go
into the bathroom, use whatever
you
want, just don't ever tell me what you did in
there.
Joey:
Thank you! (He
goes into the bathroom.)
(Chandler
enters with the phone.)
Chandler:
Where's Joey? His
mom's on the phone.
Monica:
He's
in
the
bathroom.
I
don't
think
you
wanna
go
in
there!
Chandler:
C'mon, we're
roommates! (He goes into the bathroom,
screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!!
My eyes!!
Monica:
I warned
you...
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel:
Who is being loud?
Chandler:
Oh,
that
would
be
Monica.
Hey,
listen,
I
wanna
borrow
a
coupla
things,
Aurora
spent
the
night,
I
really
wanna
make her breakfast.
Monica:
Oh, you got the
whole night, huh?
Chandler:
Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until
Ethan, so,
y'know.. (He starts to raid
the fridge.)
Rachel:
Ooh, do
I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler:
No,
no
resentment,
believe
me,
it's
worth
it.
'Kay?
Y'know
in
a
relationship
you
have
these
key
moments
that
you
know
you'll
remember
for
the
rest
of
your
life?
Well,
every-
single- second is
like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about
thirty-five of them talking to you
people, so, uh.. Monica, can you
help
me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Monica:
Sure.
Oh,
um,
Chandler?
Y'know,
the-the
old
Monica
would-
would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a
plastic
brush...But I'm not gonna do
that.
(She opens the door
and he leaves.)
[Scene: A Film Set,
Joey is entering for his scene.]
Director:
(on
phone)...Dammit,
hire
the
girl!
(He
hangs
up
the
phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Joey:
Uh,
listen,
I
just
wanna
thank
you
for
this
great
opportunity.
《
Fri
ends
》第一季
17
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Director:
Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director:
That would work.
Joey:
Right. Okay. Losing
the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And
the robe is lost.
Director:
Okay,
everybody,
we'd
like
to
get
this
in
one
take,
please.
Let's
roll
it..
water's
working
(The
shower
starts)..
and...
action.
(Joey
starts
to
the
shower
with
a
grim,
determined
look
on
his
face.)
Director:
And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you
doing?
Joey:
Well, I'm- I'm
showering.
Director:
No,
that was clenching.
Joey:
Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here,
y'know? I
mean,
his
wife's
dead,
his
brother's
missing...
I
think
his
butt
would be angry here.
Director:
I think his butt
would like to get this shot before lunch.
Once again, rolling... water working...
and action....and cut. What
was that?
Joey:
I was going for quiet
desperation. But if you have to ask...
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
Aurora and Chandler are in bed in
Chandler's room.]
Chandler:
God, I love these
fingers...
Aurora:
Thank
you.
Chandler:
No, actually
I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at
how happy they are.
Aurora:
(moves
Chandler's
arm
and
look
at
his
watch.)
Oh
my
God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)
Chandler:
Oh
no
nonononononnononono,
don't
go..
(He
kisses
her and pulls her
back down.)
Aurora: Okay.
Chandler:
Don't go.
Aurora:
Okay. Oh no, I have
to.
Chandler:
(to himself)
Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora:
(getting up and
dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for
me.
Chandler:
Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.
Aurora:
It's not Rick.
Chandler:
What,
Ethan?
He
got
to
spend
the
whole
day
with
you!
Aurora:
No,
it's-it's Andrew.
Chandler:
I know there'll be
many moments in the years to come
when
I'll regret asking the following question, but-
And Andrew
is?
Aurora:
He's... new.
Chandler:
Oh,
so
what
you're
saying
is
you're
not
completely
fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
Aurora:
No, that's not
exactly what I was..
Chandler:
Well, y'know, most
women would kill for three guys
like
us.
Aurora:
So what do you
want?
Chandler: You.
Aurora:
You have me!
Chandler:
Nono, just you.
Aurora:
Whaddyou mean?
Chandler:
Lose the other
guys.
Aurora:
...Like,
...all of them?
Chandler:
C'mon, we're great together, why not?
Aurora:
Why can't we just
have what we have now? Why can't
we
just talk, and laugh, and make love, without
feeling obligated
to
one
another...
and
up
until
tonight
I
thought
that's
what
you
wanted
too.
Chandler:
...Well,
y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm
two
guys,
y'know?
I
mean,
one
guy's
going
'Shut
up!
This
is
great!' But there's this other guy.
Actually it's the same guy that
wells
up
every
time
that
Grinch's
heart
grows
three
sizes
and
breaks
that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know,
'This is
too hard! Get out! Get out!'
Aurora:
So... which one of
the two guys will you listen to?
Chandler:
I don't know, I-I
have to listen to both of them, they
don't exactly let each other finish...
Aurora:
Which one?
Chandler:
...The second guy.
Aurora:
(gets
up
to
leave)
Well,
call
me
if
you
change
your
mind.
(She
kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her
passionately.)
Chandler:
Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.
(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls
back on his bed.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Ross
is
trying
to
comfort
Chandler.
Joey is absent.]
Ross:
Look at it this way:
you
dumped
her
. Right? I mean, this
woman
was
unbelievably
sexy,
and
beautiful,
intelligent,
unattainable...
Tell me why you did this again?
(Joey
enters.)
All:
Hey!
Monica:
Hey, waitwait,
aren't you the guy that plays the butt in
the new Al Pacino movie?
Joey:
Nope.
Ross:
No? What happened, big
guy?
Chandler:
(to Ross)
Ross:
It felt like a 'big
guy' moment.
Joey:
I got
fired.
All:
Oh!
Joey:
Yeah, they said I
acted too much with it. I told everybody
about this! Now everybody's gonna go to
the theatre, expecting to
see me,
and...
Rachel:
Oh,
Joey,
you
know
what,
no-one
is
gonna
be
able
to
tell.
Joey:
My mom will.
Chandler:
Something so sweet
and...disturbing about that.
Joey:
Y'know, I've done
nothing but crappy plays for six
years.
And I finally get my shot, and I blow
it!
Monica:
Maybe this
wasn't your shot.
Ross:
Yeah,
I
mean...
I
think
when
it's
your
shot,
y'know,
you-you know it's
your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?
Joey:
Hard to tell, I was
naked.
Phoebe:
No, I don't
think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even
think you just get one shot. I really
believe big things are gonna
happen
for
you,
I
do!
You've
gotta
just
keep
thinking
about
the
day that some kid is
gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the
part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey
Tribbiani's ass!'.
Joey:
Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)
(Ross
and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)
Monica:
I'm sorry, Joey. I'm
gonna go to bed, guys.
All:
Night.
Rachel:
Uh, Mon, you-you
gonna leave your shoes out here?
Monica:
(determined) Uh-huh!
Rachel:
Really?
Just
casually
strewn
about
in
that
reckless
haphazard manner?
Monica:
Doesn't matter, I'll
get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever.
(He
goes to her room.)
Ross:
She
is
a kook.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]
Monica:
(hums for a while,
then gives up, and in her head) If it
bothers you that much, just go out and
get the shoes. No. Don't do
this. This
is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm
gonna go
get
them...But
then
everyone
will
know.
Unless
I
get
them,
and
then wake up really
early and put them back! ...I need help! (She
buries her head in her pillow.)
End
107 The One With the Blackout
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Rachel
is
introducing
Phoebe,
who
is
playing
her guitar for the crowd.]
Rachel:
Everybody? Shh,
shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to
present the music of Miss Phoebe
Buffay.
(applause)
Phoebe:
Hi.
Um,
I
want
to
start
with
a
song
thats
about
that
moment
when
you
suddenly
realize
what
life
is
all
about.
OK,
here we go. (plays a
chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you
very much.
[Scene:
The
ATM
vestibule
of
a
bank,
Chandler
is
inside.
The
lights go out, and he realizes he is
trapped inside.]
Chandler:
Oh,
great
. This is just...
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous
model inside the vestibule
with him. He
makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
is
on
the
phone
with
her
《
Friends
》第一季
18
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t
mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are
there.]
Rachel:
Wow, this is
so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked
out!
Monica:
Mom
says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and
Queens, and they have no idea when it's
coming back on.
Rachel:
Wow,
you guys, this is big.
Monica:
(into phone) Pants
and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am
I
gonna
meet
in
a
blackout?
Power
company
guys?
Eligible
looters? Could we
talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)
Phoebe:
Can
I
borrow
the
phone?
I
want
to
call
my
apartment
and check on my
grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe
strangely.)
Phoebe:
Well, I
never call
me
.
[Scene:
ATM
vestibule,
Jill
Goodacre
is
on
the
cellular
phone.
Chandler's thoughts
are in italics.]
Chandler:
Oh
my
God,
it's
that
Victoria's
Secret
model.
Something...
something Goodacre.
Jill:
(on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.
Chandler:
She's right, it's
Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my
God. I am
trapped
in
an
ATM
vestibule
with
Jill
Goodacre!
(pause)
Is it
a
vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh,
yeah,
that
is the part to
focus
on, you idiot!
Jill:
(on phone) Yeah, I'm
fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an
ATM vestibule.
Chandler:
Jill says
vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.
Jill:
(on phone) I'm fine.
No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some
guy.
Chandler:
Oh!
Some
guy.
Some
guy.
'Hey
Jill,
I
saw
you
with
some guy
last night. Yes, he was
some
guy
.
(Chandler
strides
proudly
across
the
vestibule
and
Jill
stares
at
him.)
[Scene:
Monica's
apartment,
Joey
enters
with
a
menorah,
the
candles lit.]
Joey:
Hi everyone.
Ross:
And officiating at
tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
Joey:
Well, Chandler's old
roomate was Jewish, and these are the
only candles we have, so... Happy
Chanukah, everyone.
Phoebe:
(at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch
of
candles.
(They all look
at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
Rachel:
That had to hurt!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler:
Alright,
alright,
alright.
It's
been
fourteen
and
a
half
minutes
and
you
still
have
not
said
one
word.
Oh
God,
do
something. Just make contact, smile!
(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles
back sweetly.)
Chandler:
There you go!
(He continues to smile
like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)
Chandler:
You're definitely
scaring here.
Jill:
(awkwardly)
Would
you
like
to
call
somebody?
(offering
phone)
Chandler:
Yeah,
about
300
guys
I
went
to
high
school
with.
Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone
rings; it's Chandler.]
Monica:
Hello?
Chandler:
Hey, it's me.
Monica:
(to everyone) It's
Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?
Chandler:
Yeah, I'm fine.
(trying to cover up what he is saying)
I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth
Jll Gdcr
.
Monica:
What?
Chandler:
I'm trppd...
in an ATM vstbl... wth
Jll
Gdcr
!
Monica:
I
have no idea what you just said.
Chandler:
(angry) Put Joey
on the phone.
Joey:
What's
up man?
Chandler:
I'm
trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth
JLL
GDCR
.
Joey:
(to
everyone)
Oh
my
God!
He's
trapped
in
an
ATM
vestibule
with
Jill
Goodacre!
(on
phone)
Chandler,
listen.
(says
something intentionally garbled)
Chandler:
Yeah, like that
thought never entered my mind.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are
sitting
around the coffee table
talking.]
Rachel:
Alright,
somebody.
Monica:
OK, I'll
go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.
All:
Whoooaa!
Ross:
That's my sister.
Joey:
OK...
my
weirdest
place
would
have
to
be...
the
women's
room on the second floor of the New
York CIty public library.
Monica:
Oh my God! What were
you doing in a library?
Ross:
Pheebs, what about
you?
Phoebe:
Oh...
Milwaukee.
Rachel:
Um...
Ross?
Ross:
Disneyland,
1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'
All:
No way!
Ross:
The ride broke down.
So, Carol and I went behind a couple
of
those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed
the ride, and
we were asked never to
return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe:
Oh, Rachel.
Rachel:
Oh come on, I
already went.
Monica:
You
did not go!
All:
Come on.
Rachel:
Oh,
alright.
The
weirdest
place
would
have
to
be...
(sigh)... oh, the foot
of the bed.
Ross:
Step back.
Joey:
We have a winner!
[Time
lapse,
Ross
and
Rachel
are
talking,
Joey
is
on
the
couch,
and Monica and Phoebe are out of the
room.]
Rachel:
I just never
had a relationship with that kind of passion,
you know, where you have to have
somebody right there, in the
middle of
a theme park.
Ross:
Well,
it
was
the
only
thing
to
do
there
that
didn't
have
a
line.
Rachel:
There,
well,
see?
Barry
wouldn't
even
kiss
me
on
a
miniature golf course.
Ross:
Come on.
Rachel:
No, he said we were
holding up the people behind us.
Ross:
(sarcastically) And
you didn't marry him because...?
Rachel:
I
mean,
do
you
think
there
are
people
who
go
through
life never having
that kind of...
Ross:
Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something.
Passion is
way overrated.
Rachel:
Yeah right.
Ross:
It is. Eventually, it
kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what
you're left with is trust, and
security, and... well, in the case of my
ex-wife,
lesbianism.
So,
you
know,
for
all
of
those
people
who
miss out on that passion... thing,
there's all that other good stuff.
Rachel:
(sigh) OK.
Ross:
But, um... I don't
think that's going to be you.
Rachel:
You don't.
Ross:
Uh-uh. See, I see....
big passion in your future.
Rachel:
Really?
Ross:
Mmmm.
Rachel:
You do?
Ross:
I do.
Rachel:
Oh
Ross,
you're
so
great.
(she
playfully
rubs
his
head
and gets
up)
(Ross gets up, pleased with
himself.)
Joey:
It's never
gonna happen.
Ross:
(innocently) What?
Joey:
You
and Rachel.
Ross:
(acts
surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
Joey:
Because you waited too
long to make your move, and now
you're
in the
friend zone
.
Ross:
No, no,
no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey:
Ross, you're mayor of
the zone.
Ross:
I'm
taking
my
time,
alright?
I'm
laying
the
groundwork.
Yeah. I mean,
every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey:
Priesthood!
Look
Ross,
I'm
telling
you,
she
has
no
idea
what you're thinking. If you don't ask
her out soon you're going to
end up
stuck in the zone forever.
Ross:
I will, I will. See,
I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey
looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey:
Yeeeeaaaahhh!
What's
messing
you
up?
The
wine?
The
candles? The moonlight? You've just got
to go up to her and say,
'Rachel, I
think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind
them)
Ross:
Shhhh!
Rachel:
What are you
shushing?
Ross:
We're
shushing... because... we're trying to hear
something.
Listen. (everyone is silent)
Don't you hear that?
Rachel:
Ahhhh!
Ross:
See?
《
Friends
》第一季
19
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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t
Rachel:
Huh. (she agrees,
but looks very confused)
[Scene: ATM
vestibule.]
Jill:
Would you
like some gum?
Chandler:
Um,
is it sugarless?
Jill:
(checks) Sorry, it's not.
Chandler:
Oh,
then
no
thanks.
What
the
hell
was
that?
Mental
note:
If
Jill
Goodacre
offers
you
gum,
you
take
it.
If
she
offers
you
mangled animal carcass, you take it.
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is
singing.]
Phoebe:
(singing)
New York City has no power, and the milk is
getting
sour.
But
to
me
it
is
not
scary,
'cause
I
stay
away
from
dairy.... la la la, la la, la la...
(she writes the lyrics down)
Ross:
(to Joey) OK, here
goes.
Joey:
Are you going to
do it?
Ross:
I'm going to do
it.
Joey:
Do you want any
help?
Ross:
You come out
there, you're a dead man.
Joey:
Good luck, man.
Ross:
Thanks. (Joey hugs
him) OK.
Joey:
OK. (Ross
goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on
the balcony.)
Joey:
Hey,
where are you going?
Monica:
Outside.
Joey:
You can't go
out there.
Monica:
Why not?
Joey:
Because of... the
reason.
Monica:
And that
would be?
Joey:
I, um, can't
tell you.
Monica:
Joey,
what's going on?
Joey:
OK,
you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell
Ross
that I told you.
Monica:
About what?
Joey:
He's planning your
birthday party.
Monica:
Oh
my God! I love him!
Joey:
(as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.
Phoebe:
About what?
Monica:
My surprise party!
Phoebe:
What surprise party?
Monica:
Oh stop it. Joey
already told me.
Phoebe:
Well, he didn't tell me.
Joey:
Hey, don't look at me.
This is Ross's thing.
Phoebe:
This
is
so
typical.
I'm
always
the
last
one
to
know
everything.
Monica:
No, you are not. We
tell you stuff.
Phoebe:
Yuh-
huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got
bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was
the last one to know when
you
had
a
crush
on
Joey
when
he
was
moving
in.
(Monica
gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey
looks surprised but pleased)
Looks like
I was second to last.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's
Balcony,
Ross
and
Rachel
are
talking.]
Rachel:
Hmmm... this is so
nice.
Ross:
OK,
I
have
a
question.
Well,
actually,
it's
not
so
much
a
question as.. more of a
general wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross:
OK.
Here
goes.
For
a
while
now,
I've
been
wanting
to,
um....
Rachel:
Ohhh!!!! (looking at
something behind Ross)
Ross:
Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel:
Oh,
look
at
the
little
cat!
(a
small
kitten
is
on
the
roof
behind Ross)
Ross:
What? (the cat jumps
on his shoulders) Ow!
[Cut to inside.
Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside,
Ross and Rachel are trying to get the
cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica,
Joey,
and
Phoebe:
(singing)
I'm
on
top
of
the
world,
looking down on creation and the only
explanation I can find, is
the wonders
I've found ever since...
Commercial
Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica
is
treating
the
scratches
on
Ross'
back.
Joey
is
holding
the
menorah over the wound.]
Monica:
(to Ross) This is
just Bactine. It won't hurt.
(Ross
flinches in pain.)
Joey:
Sorry, that was wax.
Phoebe:
Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We
should find
his owner.
Ross:
Why don't we just put
'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
Rachel:
During a blackout?
He'd get trampled!
Ross:
(nonchalantly) Yeah?
[Scene: ATM
vestibule.]
Chandler:
You
know,
on
second
thought,
gum
would
be
perfection.
(Jill
gives
him
a
stick
of
gum,
and
a
strange
look)
'Gum
would
be
perfection'?
'Gum
would
be
perfection.'
Could
have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll
have a stick,' but no, no, no,
no. For
me, gum is
perfection
. I
loathe myself.
[Scene: The hallway of
Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are
trying to find the cat's owner.]
Phoebe:
(stops at a door) Oh
no, the Mendels, they hate all living
things, right?
Rachel:
Oh. (they knock at
the next door, Mr. Heckles answers)
Hi.
We just found this cat and we're looking for the
owner.
Mr. Heckles:
Er,
yeah, it's mine.
Phoebe:
(trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems
to hate
you. Are you sure?
Mr. Heckles:
Yeah, it's my
cat. Give me my cat.
Phoebe:
Wait a minute. What's his name?
Mr.
Heckles:
Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
Rachel:
Bob Buttons?
Mr. Heckles:
Mmm. Bob
Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
Phoebe:
(the cat runs away
from her) Oooh! You are a very bad
man!
Mr. Heckles:
(as Phoebe and
Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.
[Scene:
Rachel
has
gone
off
on
her
own
to
look
for
the
cat's
owner.]
Rachel:
Here,
kitty-kitty.
Here
kitty-kitty.
Where
did
you
go,
little kitty-kitty-
kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...
(While looking at the floor for the
cat, Rachel runs into a pair of
legs.
She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian
hunk holding
the cat. Who, by the way,
you'll hate very, very soon. The man.
Not the cat.)
Paolo:
(something Italian)
Rachel:
Wow.
(she
exhales
in
amazement,
blowing
the
candle
out)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross,
Monica, and Joey are playing
Monopoly
.]
Ross:
(rolling) Lucky
sixes....
Rachel:
(entering
with
Paolo,
arm
in
arm)
Everybody,
this
is
Paolo.
Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is
Monica.
Monica:
(smitten)
Hi!
Rachel:
And Joey....
Monica: Hi!
Rachel:
And Ross.
Monica: Hi!
Paolo:
(something in
Italian)
Rachel:
(proudly)
He doesn't speak much English.
Paolo:
(pointing at game)
Monopoly
!
Rachel:
Look at that!
Ross:
(jealous) So, um...
where did Paolo come from?
Rachel:
Oh... Italy, I
think.
Ross:
No,
I
mean
tonight,
in
the
building.
Suddenly.
Into
our
lives.
Rachel:
Well, the cat... the
cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
Ross:
That, that is funny...
(to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching
him.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe:
Alright. I looked
all over the building and I couldn't find
the kitty anywhere.
Rachel:
Oh, I found him. He
was Paolo's cat.
Phoebe:
Ah! Well! There
you go! Last
to know again!
And I'm
guessing... since nobody told me...
this is Paolo.
Rachel:
Ah,
Paolo, this is Phoebe.
Paolo:
(something in
Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)
Phoebe:
(smiling) You
betcha!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler:
(chewing
gum)
Ah,
let's
see.
What
next?
Blow
a
bubble.
A
bubble's
good.
It's
got
a...
boyish
charm,
it's
impish.
Here
we go.
(Chandler waits until Jill is
looking, then starts to blow a bubble.
But instead of blow one, he
accidentally spits the gum out of his
mouth and hits the wall.)
《<
/p>
Friends
》第一季
20
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
网址：
t
Chandler:
Nice
going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach
over and put it in my mouth.
(Chandler slyly grabs the gum from
the
wall and slides it back in his mouth.)
Chandler:
Good
save!
We're
back
on
track,
and
I'm...
(grimacing) ..chewing
someone else's gum.
This is not my
gum
.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
And now you're choking.
(Chandler starts to choke.)
Jill:
Are you alright?
(Chandler
tries
to
save
face
and
makes
the
'OK'
sign
with
his
hands, while obviously
unable to breathe.)
Jill:
My
God, you're
choking! (she
runs over and gives him the
Heimlich,
the gum flies from his mouth) That better?
Chandler:
(gasping) Yes...
thank you. That was... that was....
Jill:
Perfection?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and
Paolo are at the window.
Ross and Joey
are watching disgustedly.]
Paolo:
(something romantic
in Italian about Rachel and the stars)
Ross:
(mocking
Paolo)
Blah
blah
blah,
blah
blah
blah...
blah
blaaaaaah....
(Rachel walks
away from Paolo, laughing.)
Ross:
Wha-What did he say
that was so funny?
Rachel:
I
have absolutely no idea.
Ross:
That's... that's
classic.
Rachel:
(to Monica
and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, what am
I doing? What am I doing? This is so
un-me!
Monica:
If you want,
I'll do it.
(Ross looks at Joey.)
Phoebe:
I know, I just want
to bite his bottom lip. (Rachel looks
at her) But I won't.
Rachel:
God, the first time
he smiled at me... those three seconds
were more exciting than three weeks in
Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe:
You
know,
did
you
ride
mopeds?
'Cause
I've
heard...
(they stare at
her)... oh, I see... it's not about that right
now. OK.
Rachel:
Y'know,
I
know
it's
totally
superficial
and
we
have
absolutely nothing in common, and we
don't even speak the same
language but
Goooooooddddddd....
[Cut
to
the
other
side
of
the
apartment,
Ross
has
gone
over
to
straighten things out with Paolo.]
Ross:
Paolo. Hi.
Paolo:
Ross!
(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on
a step, which makes him
taller.
Ross
gets
up
on
the
same
step
so
he
can
look
down
at
Paolo.)
Ross:
Listen.
Um,
listen.
Something
you
should...
know...
um,
Rachel and I... we're
kind of a thing.
Paolo:
Thing?
Ross:
Thing, yes.
Thing.
Paolo:
Ah, you...
have the sex?
Ross:
No,
no,
no.
Technically
the...
sex
is
not...
being
had,
but
that's... see, that's not the point.
See, um, the point is that... Rachel
and I should be, er, together. You
know, and if you get in the....
um...
Paolo: Bed?
Ross:
No, no, that's not
where I was going. Er, if you get in the...
way
, of us becoming a thing,
then I would be, well, very sad.
Paolo:
Oh!
Ross:
Yeah!
Se vice
?
Paolo:
Si.
Ross:
So you do know a
little English.
Paolo:
Poco... a leetle.
Ross:
Do
you know the word
crapweasel
?
Paolo: No.
Ross:
That's
funny,
because
you
know,
you
are
a
huge
crapweasel!
(They hug.)
[Scene:
ATM
vestibule,
Chandler
and
Jill
are
sitting
below
the
counter with two pens
dangling from their chains in front of them.
Jill is showing Chandler how to swing
the pen around his head.]
Jill:
Chandler,
we've
been
here
for
an
hour
doing
this!
Now
watch, it's easy.
Chandler:
OK.
Jill:
Ready? (she swings
the pen around her head in a circle)
(Chandler
tries to do
the
same
thing
but
the
pen hits him
in the
head.)
Jill:
No, you've got to whip
it.
(He swings the pen
hard, and it
snaps back and almost hits
him
again.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
the
gang
is
all
sitting
around
the
table.]
Phoebe:
Oh, look look look.
The last candle's about to burn out.
10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative
46, negative 47, negative 48....
(someone blows it out, the room gets
completely dark)
Ross:
Thank
you.
Phoebe:
Thanks.
Ross:
Kinda... spooky
without any lights.
Joey:
(does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!
(Everyone starts to imitate him.)
Ross:
OK,
guys,
guys?
I
have
the
definitive
one.
Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
(The
lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are
making out.
Ross clutches his chest.)
Ross:
Oh.. oh... oh.
Joey:
Hey Ross. This
probably isn't the best time to bring it up,
but you have to throw a party for
Monica.
Closing Credits
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has
come back on.]
Jill:
Well,
this has been fun.
Chandler:
Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone...
and
for saving my life.
Jill:
Well, goodbye
Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses
him on the cheek) See ya.
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face
to the glass door after her,
stroking
the
window
lovingly.
He
then
turns
to
the
security
camera and starts
talking to it.)
Chandler:
Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I
don't
know if you got any of that, but
I would really like a copy of the
tape.
End
108 The One
Where Nana Dies Twice
[Scene:
Chandler's
Office,
Chandler
is
on
a
coffee
break.
Shelley
enters.)
Shelley:
Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler:
Dehydrated
Japanese
noodles
under
fluorescent
lights... does
it
get
better than this?
Shelley:
Question. You're
not dating anybody, are you, because I
met somebody who would be perfect for
you.
Chandler:
Ah,
y'see, perfect
might be a problem. Had
you
said
'co-dependent', or 'self-
destructive'...
Shelley:
Do
you want a date Saturday?
Chandler:
Yes please.
Shelley:
Okay. He's cute,
he's funny, he's-
Chandler:
He's a he?
Shelley:
Well
yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good,
Shelley.
I'm just gonna go flush myself
down the toilet now...(backs out of
the
room) Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone
is there.)
Chandler:
...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I
mean, is
that ridiculous? Can you
believe she actually thought that?
Rachel:
Um... yeah. Well, I
mean, when I first met you, y'know, I
thought maybe, possibly, you might
be...
Chandler:
You did?
Rachel:
Yeah, but
then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party
talking to my breasts, so then I
figured maybe not.
Chandler:
Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think
that
when you first met me?
Monica:
I did.
Phoebe:
Yeah, I think so,
yeah.
Joey:
Not me.
Ross:
Nono, me neither.
Although, uh, y'know, back in college,
Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler:
You're kidding!
Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross:
No. No, it's just
'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with
her too, so I told her, actually, you
were seeing Bernie Spellman...
who also
liked her, so...
(Joey
congratulates
Ross,
sees
Chandler's
look
and
abruptly
stops.)
Chandler:
Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it
about me?
Phoebe:
I dunno,
'cause you're smart, you're funny...
《<
/p>
Friends
》第一季
21
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
网址：
t
Chandler:
Ross is smart and
funny, d'you ever think that about
him?
All:
Yeah! Right!
Chandler:
WHAT IS IT?!
Monica:
Okay, I-I d'know,
you-you just- you have a quality.
All:
Yes. Absolutely. A
quality.
Chandler:
Oh,
oh,
a
quality,
good,
because
I
was
worried
you
guys
were gonna be vague about this.
(Phone
rings; Monica gets it)
Monica:
Hello? Hello? Oh!
Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.
Rachel:
Oh
my
God!
Calling
from
Rome!
(Takes
phone)
Bon
giorno, caro mio.
Ross:
(to Joey)
So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just
gotta go to Rome.
Rachel:
Monica,
your
dad
just
beeped
in,
but
can
you
make
it
quick? Talking to Rome.
(Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler)
I'm talking to Rome.
Monica:
Hey dad, what's up?
(Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs.
Geller are there, along
with
Aunt
Lillian.
Ross
and
Monica
enter
and
everyone
says
hi
and
kisses.)
Ross:
So, uh, how's she
doing?
Aunt Lillian:
The
doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Monica:
How-how are you,
Mom?
Mrs.
Geller:
Me?
I'm
fine,
fine.
I'm
glad
you're
here. ...What's
with your hair?
Monica:
What?
Mrs. Geller:
What's
different?
Monica:
Nothing.
Mrs. Geller:
Oh, maybe
that's it.
(Monica strides over to
Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to
him aside.)
Monica:
She is unbelievable,
our mother is...
Ross:
Okay,
relax,
relax.
We
are
gonna
be
here
for
a
while,
it
looks like, and we still
have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica:
Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the
hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]
Monica:
The fuzzy little
mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross:
Oh! ...Yeah, they were
gross. Oh, you know what I loved?
Her
Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them
from- from
restaurants.
Mr.
Geller:
Not just restaurants, from our
house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's
room.)
Nurse:
Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and
Monica in Nana's room.)
Ross:
She looks so small.
Monica:
I know.
Ross:
Well, at least she's
with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Monica:
G'bye, Nana. (She
kisses her on the forehead.)
Ross:
Bye, Nana.
(He goes to kiss her but she moves.
Monica screams. Ross shouts
and stares
in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out
too.)
Mrs. Geller:
What is
going on?!
Ross:
Y'know how-
how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed?
Well, she's not, quite..
Mrs. Geller: What?
Ross:
She's not- past, she's
present, she's back.
Aunt
Lillian:
(reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller:
She may have
died.
Aunt Lillian:
She
may
have died?
Mr. Geller:
We're looking
into it.
(Monica returns with the nurse
and they go into Nana's room.)
Ross:
I, uh, I'll go see.
(He goes in)
Nurse:
This
almost never happens!
(Nana passes for
the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket
over her. Ross and Monica go to tell
the family)
Ross:
Now
she's passed.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Chandler,
Phoebe,
Joey,
and
Rachel
are
there.]
Chandler:
I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel:
(exasperated) Yes,
Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's
your hair.
Phoebe:
Yeah, you have
homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross
enter.)
Rachel:
So, um, did
she...
Ross:
Twice.
Joey:
Twice?
Phoebe:
Oh, that sucks!
Joey:
You guys okay?
Ross:
I
dunno,
it's
weird.
I
mean,
I
know
she's
gone,
but
I
just
don't feel, uh...
Phoebe:
Maybe that's 'cause
she's not really gone.
Ross:
Nono, she's gone.
Monica:
We
checked. A lot.
Phoebe:
Hm,
I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since
my mom died, every now and then, I get
the feeling that she's like
right
here,
y'know?
(She
circles
her
hand
around
her
right
shoulder.
Chandler,
sitting
on
her
right,
draws
back
nervously)
Oh! And Debbie,
my best friend from junior high- got struck by
lightning
on
a
miniature
golf
course-
I
always
get
this
really
strong
Debbie
vibe
whenever
I
use
one
of
those
little
yellow
pencils, y'know? ...I
miss her.
Rachel:
Aw. Hey,
Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)
Phoebe:
Thanks!
Rachel:
Sure. I just
sharpened her this morning.
Joey:
Now,
see,
I
don't
believe
any
of
that.
I
think
once
you're
dead,
you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food!
(realises his
tactlessness) ...So
Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe:
Y'know, I dunno who
this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands
back the pencil)
[Scene:
Nana's
house,
Ross,
Mrs.
Geller
and
Aunt
Lillian
are
going through clothes.]
Ross:
I thought it was gonna
be a closed casket.
Mrs.
Geller:
Well, that doesn't mean she
can't look nice!
(They
open
a
cupboard
which,
amongst
other
things,
contains
a
chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller:
Sweetie, you
think you can get in there?
Ross:
(sarcastic) I don't
see why not.
(He tries pushing against
the chest of drawers. Then he opens one
of
the
drawers
and
climbs
into
the
closet
using
that;
he
falls
behind the chest of drawers with a
shout.)
Ross:
Here's my
retainer!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
Monica is talking to her father.]
Mr.
Geller:
I was just thinking. When my
time comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr.
Geller:
Listen
to
me!
When
my
time
comes,
I
wanna
be
buried at sea.
Monica:
You what?
Mr. Geller:
I wanna be
buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica:
Define fun.
Mr.
Geller:
C'mon,
you'll
make
a
day
of
it!
You'll
rent
a
boat,
pack a lunch...
Monica:
...And then we throw
your body in the water... Gee, that
does sound fun.
Mr.
Geller:
Everyone thinks they know me.
Everyone says 'Jack
Geller, so
predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say
'Buried at
sea! Huh!'.
Monica:
That's probably what
they'll say.
Mr. Geller:
I'd
like that.
[Scene:
Chandler's
Office,
Shelley
is
drinking
coffee;
Chandler
enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley:
(sheepish) Hey.
Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-
Chandler:
No,
nono,
don't-
don't
worry
about
it.
Believe
me,
apparently other people have made the
same mistake.
Shelley:
Oh!
Okay! Phew!
Chandler:
So, uh... what do
you think it is about me?
Shelley:
I dunno, uh... you
just have a-a...
Chandler:
...Quality, right, great.
Shelley:
Y'know, it's a
shame, because you and Lowell would've
made a great couple.
Chandler:
Lowell?
Financial
Services'
Lowell,
that's
who
you
saw me
with?
Shelley:
What? He's
cute!
Chandler:
Well,
yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley:
Is Brian...?
Chandler:
No! Uh, I d'know!
The point is, if you were gonna set
《
Friends
》第一季
22
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
网址：
t
me
up
with
someone,
I'd
like
to
think
you'd
set
me
up
with
someone like him.
Shelley:
Well, I think
Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler:
Excuse
me?
You
don't
think
I
could
get
a
Brian?
Because I could
get
a Brian. Believe you me.
...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's
Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside
the closet.]
Ross:
(holding a dress out
from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt
Lillian: No.
Ross:
I
have
shown
you
everything
we
have.
Unless
you
want
your
mother
to
spend
eternity
in
a
lemon
yellow
pant-suit,
go
with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian:
You know,
whatever we pick, she would've told us
it's the wrong one.
Mrs.
Geller:
You're right. We'll go with the
burgundy.
Ross:
Oh! A fine
choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the
furniture)
Aunt
Lillian:
Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross:
Okay. Um, how about
these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs.
Geller:
That's really a day shoe.
Ross:
And where she's going
everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt
Lillian:
Could we see something in a
slimmer heel?
Ross:
(forages
around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe
in the burgundy. I can show
you something in a silver that may
work.
Aunt
Lillian:
No, it really should be
burgundy.
Mrs. Geller:
Mm.
Unless we go with a different dress?
Ross:
No! Nonono, wait a
sec. I may have something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot),
pulls it down and opens it. It is
full
of
Sweet 'n' Lo
's.)
Ross:
Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller:
Is everything
all right, dear?
Ross:
Yeah,
just... just Nana stuff.
(He
reaches
up
higher
and
knocks
down
another
shoebox
lid.
Sweet 'n'
Lo
's rain down on him)
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are
preparing to
leave for the funeral.]
Ross:
(entering) How we
doing, you guys ready?
Monica:
Mom
already
called
this
morning
to
remind
me
not
to
wear my hair up. Did you
know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross:
Some days it's all I
can think about.
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi, sorry
I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel:
Oh, you-you mean
your earrings?
Phoebe:
What'd I say?
Rachel:
(sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica:
Are these the shoes?
Rachel:
Yes. Paolo sent them
from Italy.
Ross:
What, we-
uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
Joey:
(entering with
Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler:
Well, don't we
look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like
that, isn't it?
(They all
leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the
funeral.]
Monica:
It was a
really beautiful service.
Mrs.
Geller:
It
really
was.
Oh,
c'mere,
sweetheart.
(Hugs
her)
Y'know,
I
think
it
might
be
time
for
you
to
start
using
night
cream.
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a
second and sighs, then notices
Chandler
watching)
Joey:
What?
Chandler:
Nothing,
just
your
overcoat
sounds
remarkably
like
Brent Mussberger.
Joey:
Check it out, Giants-
Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
Chandler:
You're watching a
football game at a funeral?
Joey:
No, it's the pre-game.
I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
Chandler:
You are a
frightening, frightening man.
(Rachel
steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel:
Oh no! My new Paolo
shoes!
Ross:
Oh, I hope
they're not ruined.
Phoebe:
God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Ross:
I know, uh, the air,
the-the trees... even though Nana's gone
there's,
there's
something
almost,
uh-
I
dunno,
almost
life-aff-
(Not looking where he is going he falls
into an open grave)
All:
God! Ross!
Ross:
I'm fine.
Just-just... having my worst fear realised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers'
house. Ross is lying on his back,
with
Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's
injured.]
Phoebe:
Okay,
don't
worry,
I'm
just
checking
to
see
if
the
muscle's
in spasm...huh.
Ross:
What,
what is it?
Phoebe:
You
missed a belt loop.
Ross:
Oh! No-n-
Phoebe:
Okay, it's in spasm.
Mrs.
Geller:
Here,
sweetie,
here.
I
took
these
when
I
had
my
golfing
accident.
(Hands
Ross
a
bottle
of
pills.
Then
turns
to
Monica
and pats her hair over her ears)
(Cut
to
Chandler
and
a
woman,
Andrea,
reaching
for
the
same
slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea:
Sorry- Hi, I'm
Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler:
Hi, I'm Chandler,
and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(They
shake
hands.
Cut
to
Ross
emerging
from
a
hallway,
grinning inanely. He is obviously very
stoned)
Phoebe:
Hey, look
who's up! How do you feel?
Ross:
I feel great. I feel-
great, I fleel great.
Monica:
Wow, those pills
really worked, huh?
Ross:
Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I
love you
guys. You guys are the
greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica),
I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Phoebe:
Ooh! That's so
nice...
Ross:
...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross:
(hugs him) And listen,
man, if you wanna be gay, be gay.
Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea:
(turns to a friend)
You were right. (They
walk off and
leave Chandler.)
Ross:
Rachel. Rachel Rachel.
(Sits down beside her) I love you
the
most.
Rachel:
(humouring
him)
Oh,
well
you
know
who
I
love
the
most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross:
Oh.. you don't get it!
(Passes out and slumps across her)
(Cut
to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an
extravagant
gesture of disappointment.)
Mr. Geller:
Whaddya got
there?
Joey:
(hides
the
TV,
but
he
still
has
an
earphone)
Just
a,
uh...
hearing disability.
Mr.
Geller:
What's the score?
Joey:
Seventeen-
fourteen
Giants...
three
minutes
to
go
in
the
third.
Mr. Geller:
Beautiful!
(Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse.
A large crowd of men are now watching the game)
Rachel:
(still trapped under
Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand
me a
cracker?
Mrs.
Geller:
(to
Monica)
Your
grandmother
would
have
hated
this.
Monica:
Well, sure, what
with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs.
Geller:
No,
I'd
be
hearing
about
'Why
didn't
I
get
the
honey-glazed
ham?',
I
didn't
spend
enough
on
flowers,
and
if
I
spent more she'd be saying
'Why are you wasting your money? I
don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica:
That sounds like
Nana.
Mrs.
Geller:
Do
you
know
what
it's
like
to
grow
up
with
someone who is critical of every single
thing you say?
Monica:
...I
can imagine.
Mrs. Geller:
I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned
out
to be the positive, life-affirming
person that she is.
Monica:
That
is
a
wonder.
So
tell
me
something,
Mom.
If
you
had
to
do
it
all
over
again,
I
mean,
if
she
was
here
right
now,
would you tell her?
Mrs.
Geller:
Tell her what?
Monica:
How she drove you
crazy, picking on every little detail,
like your hair... for example.
Mrs. Geller:
I'm not sure I
know what you're getting at.
Monica:
Do you think things
would have been better if you'd just
told her the truth?
Mrs.
Geller:
...No.
I
think
some
things
are
better
left
unsaid.
I
《
Friends
》第一季
23
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t
think it's nicer when people just get
along.
Monica: Huh.
Mrs. Geller:
More wine,
dear?
Monica:
Oh, I think
so.
Mrs. Geller:
(reaches
out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and
realises) Those earrings look really
lovely on you.
Monica:
Thank
you. They're yours.
Mrs.
Geller:
Actually they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of disappointment from
the crowd of men.)
Mr.
Geller:
Now I'm depressed! ...(To
everyone) Even more than
I was.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are
looking at old photos.]
Rachel:
Hey, who's this
little naked guy?
Ross:
That
little naked guy would be me.
Rachel:
Aww, look at the
little thing.
Ross:
Yes,
yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups
now?
Chandler:
Who are those
people?
Ross:
Got me.
Monica:
Oh,
that's
Nana,
right
there
in
the
middle.
(Reads
the
back)
'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Rachel:
Wow,
Monica,
you
look
just
like
your
grandmother.
How old was she
there?
Monica:
Let's see,
1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross:
Looks
like
a
fun
gang.
(They
all
look
at
each
other
and
smile)
Joey:
Ooh,
look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross:
(looking) Nono, that
would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying
something.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Chandler's
Office,
Chandler
is
on
a
coffee
break
as
Lowell enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, Lowell.
Lowell:
Hey, Chandler.
Chandler:
So how's it going
there in Financial Services?
Lowell:
It's like Mardi Gras without the paper
mache heads. How
'bout you?
Chandler:
Good,
good.
Listen,
heh,
I
dunno
what
Shelley
told
you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell:
I know. That's what
I told her.
Chandler: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Chandler:
So- you can tell?
Lowell:
Pretty much, most of
the time. We have a kind of... radar.
Chandler:
So you don't think
I have a, a quality?
Lowell:
Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the
way,
your friend Brian from Payroll, he
is.
Chandler: He is?
Lowell:
Yup, and waaay out
of your league. (Exits)
Chandler:
Out
of
my
league.
I
could
get
a
Brian.
(Brian
enters
behind him) If I
wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees
him) Hey, Brian.
End
109 The One
Where Underdog Gets Away
[Scene:
Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss,
Terry.]
Rachel:
Terry, I, I,
I know that I haven't worked here very long,
but I was wondering, do you think it
would be possible if I got a
$$100
advance in my salary?
Terry:
An advance?
Rachel:
It's so
that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See,
every year we go skiing in Vail, and
normally my father pays for
my ticket,
but I sort of started the whole independence
thing, you
know, which is actually why
I took this job.
Terry:
Rachel,
Rachel,
sweetheart.
You're
a
terrible,
terrible
waitress. Really,
really awful.
Rachel:
Ok, I,
I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but
I,
but I'm trying really hard. And I
think I'm doing better. I really do.
Does
anybody
need
coffee?
(everyone
in
the
place
raises
their
hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
Rachel:
Excuse me, sir. Hi,
you come in here all time. I was just
wondering, do you think there's a
possibility that you could give
me an
advance on my tips?
Guy:
Huh?
Rachel:
Ok, ok, that's
fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill
before. (picks up the tip he leaves)
Only $$98.50 to go.
(Monica
enters.)
Monica:
Hey.
Ross,
did
you
know
Mom
and
Dad
are
going
to
Puerto
Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross:
No, they're not.
Monica:
Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross:
You're wrong.
Monica:
I am not wrong.
Ross:
You're wrong.
Monica:
No, I just talked to
them.
Ross:
(getting up,
upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters.
His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey:
Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler:
And
this
from
the
cry-for-help
department.
Are
you
wearing
makeup?
Joey:
Yes, I am. As
of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor
slash model.
Chandler:
That's so funny,
'cause I was thinking you look more
like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe:
What were you
modeling for?
Joey:
You know
those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica:
Oh,
wow,
so
you're
gonna
be
one
of
those
healthy, healthy
guys
Phoebe:
You know, the
asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler:
Do you know which
one you're gonna be?
Joey:
No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so...
(crosses fingers)
Chandler:
Good luck, man. I
hope you get it.
Joey:
Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross:
(to Monica) Well, you
were right. How can they do this to
us,
huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica:
Ok,
I'll
tell
you
what.
How
about
I
cook
dinner
at
my
place? I'll
make it just like Mom's.
Ross:
Will you make the
mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica:
You
know,
they're
not
actually
supposed
to
have...
(Ross
looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps.
Joey, you're
going home, right?
Joey:
Yeah.
Monica:
And I assume,
Chandler, you are still boycotting all the
pilgrim holidays.
Chandler:
Yes, every single
one of them.
Monica:
Phoebe,
you're gonna be with your grandma?
Phoebe:
Yes,
and
her
boyfriend.
But
we're
celebrating
Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is
lunar.
Monica:
So you're
free Thursday, then.
Phoebe:
Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica:
Yeah.
Rach,
are
you
thinking
you're
gonna
make
it
to
Vail?
Rachel:
Absolutely.
Shoop,
shoop,
shoop.
Only
a
hundred
and
two dollars to go.
Chandler:
I thought it was
$$98.50.
Rachel:
Yeah, well
it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross:
Well, I'm off to
Carol's.
Phoebe:
Ooh, ooh!
Why don't we invite her?
Ross:
(mimicking) Ooh, ooh.
Because she's my ex-wife, and will
probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh,
lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and
Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Ross:
Hi, is uh, is Carol
here?
Susan:
No, she's at a
faculty meeting.
Ross:
Oh, I
uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not
mine,
but...
Susan:
Come
in.
Ross:
Thanks. Yeah,
Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to
get it back to the museum.
Susan:
What's it look like?
Ross:
Kinda like a big face
without skin.
Susan:
Yes,
I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look
for it.
Ross:
Ok. (browsing
the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a
lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan:
Well,
you
know,
you
have
to
take
a
course.
Otherwise,
they don't let
you do it.
Ross:
(picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A
classic.
Susan:
Actually,
I'm reading it to the baby.
《
Friends
》第一季
24
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Ross:
The uh, the baby that
hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that
mean you're... crazy?
Susan:
What, you don't think
they can hear sounds in there?
Ross:
You're not serious, I
mean, you really... you really talk to
it?
Susan:
Yeah,
all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross:
Do you uh, do you talk
about me?
Susan:
Yeah, yeah,
all the time.
Ross:
Really?
Susan:
But um, we just refer
to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but
Rachel.]
Ross:
Look,
if
she's
talking
to
it,
I
just
think
that
I
should
get
some belly time too. Not
that I believe any of this.
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
believe
it.
I
think
the
baby
can
totally
hear
everything.
I
can
show
you.
Look,
this
will
seem
a
little
weird,
but
you put your head inside this turkey, and then
we'll all talk,
and you'll hear
everything we say.
Chandler:
I'd
just
like
to
say
that
I'm
totally
behind
this
experiment. In fact, I'd very much like
to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica:
Hey, Rach, did you
make your money?
Rachel:
No,
not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my
family,
forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Monica:
Rach, here's your
mail.
Rachel:
Thanks, you
can just put it on the table.
Monica:
(insistently) No,
here's your mail.
Rachel:
Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica:
(gives her an
envelope) Would you just open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money
she needed.)
Rachel:
Oh my
god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica:
We all chipped in.
Joey:
(to Monica) We did?
Monica:
(to Joey) You owe me
20 bucks.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Thank you so much!
Monica:
(hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got
your
traditional
Thanksgiving
feast,
you
got
your
tomato
soup,
your
grilled cheese fixin's, and your family
size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel:
Wait,
wait,
Chandler,
this
is
what
you're
havin'
for
Thanksgiving
dinner?
What,
what,
what
is
it
with
you
and
this
holiday?
Chandler:
All right, I'm
nine years old.
Ross:
Oh, I
hate this story.
Chandler:
We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving
dinner.
I have--and I remember this
part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin
pie, and this is the moment my parents
choose to tell me they're
getting
divorced.
Rachel:
Oh my god.
Chandler:
Yes.
It's
very
difficult
to
appreciate
a
Thanksgiving
dinner once
you've seen it in reverse.
[Scene:
The
subway,
Joey
spots a
gorgeous
woman
waiting.
He
goes up to her.]
Joey:
Uh, hi. We uh, we used
to work together.
Girl:
We
did?
Joey:
Yeah, at Macy's.
You were the Obsession girl, right? I was
the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray
cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl:
Yeah, right.
Joey:
I gotta tell you.
You're the best in the business.
Girl:
Get out.
Joey:
I'm
serious.
You're
amazing.
You
know
when
to
spritz,
when to lay back.
Girl:
Really? You don't know
what that means to me.
Joey:
Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl:
(provocatively)
Nothing.
Joey:
Listen, uh,
you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl:
Yeah. (she gets up,
notices something behind Joey) Oh.
Joey:
What's wrong?
Girl:
I just remembered, I
have to do something.
Joey:
Oh. What?
Girl:
Um, leave.
Joey:
Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey
turns
around
and
sees
his face
on
a
poster
in
the
subway.
The
poster
says:
What
Mario
isn't
telling
you...V.D.,
you
never
know
who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown
with the
poster displayed all over New
York City.)
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Joey
enters,
amongst
snickers
from
the
gang.]
Joey:
So I
guess you all saw it.
Rachel:
Saw what?
Phoebe:
No, we were just
laughing. You know, how laughter can
be
infectious.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey:
Set
another
place
for
Thanksgiving.
My
entire
family
thinks I have VD.
Chandler:
Tonight, on a very
special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
is
cooking
Thanksgiving
dinner.
Chandler
is
standing
in
the
doorway,
not
wanting
to
participate in the festivities.]
Monica:
Mmm,
looking
good.
Ok,
cider's
mulling,
turkey's
turking, yams are
yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross:
I
don't
know.
It's
just
not
the
same
without
Mom
in
the
kitchen.
Monica:
All right, that's
it. You know what? Just get out of my
way and stop moping.
Ross:
That's closer.
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel:
I got the tickets! I
got the tickets! Five hours from now,
shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler:
Oh, you must stop
shooping.
Rachel:
Ok, I'm
gonna get my stuff.
Joey:
Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler:
No,
I
prefer
to
keep
a
safe
distance
from
all
this
merriment.
(Phoebe
takes
a
slice
of
pumpkin
pie
and
waves
it
in
front
of
Chandler's face.)
Phoebe:
Look out, incoming
pumpkin pie!
Chandler:
Ok,
we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing,
but that's not funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey:
Hey, Monica, I got a
question. I don't see any tater tots.
Monica:
That's not a
question.
Joey:
But my mom
always makes them. It's like a tradition. You
get a little piece of turkey on your
fork, a little cranberry sauce,
and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be
with my family because of my
disease.
Monica:
All
right,
fine.
Tonight's
potatoes
will
be
both
mashed
with lumps, and in
the form of tots.
Ross:
Ok,
I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps
his hand away.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross:
Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe:
(stirring pot) Ok,
all done.
Monica:
What,
Phoebe,
did
you
whip
the
potatoes?
Ross
needs
lumps!
Phoebe:
Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I
just, I thought we could have them
whipped and then add some peas and
onions.
Monica:
Why would we
do that?
Phoebe:
Well,
'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make
them, you know, before she died.
Monica:
Ok, three kinds of
potatoes coming up.
Rachel:
Ok,
good-bye
you
guys.
Thanks
for
everything.
(she
starts
to
leave,
and
hits
everyone
with
her
skis)
Oh,
sorry!
Oh,
sorry!
(Chandler enters,
running.)
Chandler:
The most
unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog
has just gotten away.
Joey:
The balloon?
Chandler:
No,
no,
the
actual
cartoon
character.
Of
course
the
balloon. It's all over the news. Right
before he reached
Macy's
, he
broke free and was spotted flying over
Washington Square Park.
I'm goin' to
the roof, who's with me?
Rachel:
I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler:
Come on. An
80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the
city. How often does that happen?
Phoebe:
Almost never.
Monica:
Got the keys?
or
Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves
the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and
Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
《
Friends
》第一季
25
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Carol:
Anytime you're ready.
Ross:
Ok, ok, here we go.
(he crouches down near her stomach)
Ok,
where
am
I
talking
to,
here?
I
mean,
uh,
well,
there
is
one
way that seems to offer
a certain acoustical advantage, but...
Carol:
Just aim for the
bump.
Ross:
Ok, ok, ok, ok,
here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do
this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel
stupid.
Carol:
So
don't
do
it,
it's
fine.
You
don't
have
to
do
it
just
because Susan does it.
Ross:
(quickly talking)
Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from
the
roof.]
Rachel:
I
loved
the
moment
when
you
first
saw
the
giant
dog
shadow all over the
park.
Phoebe:
Yeah, but did
they have to shoot him down? I mean, that
was just mean.
Monica:
Ok, right about now
the turkey should be crispy on the
outside, juicy on the inside. Why are
we standing here?
Rachel:
We're
waiting
for
you
to
open
the
door.
You
got
the
keys.
Monica:
No I don't.
Rachel:
Yes, you do. When we
left, you said,
Monica:
No I
didn't. I asked,
Rachel:
No,
no, no, you said,
Chandler:
Do either of you
have
the
keys?
Monica:
(panicked) The
oven is on.
Rachel:
Oh, I
gotta get my ticket!
Joey:
Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica:
Well then get it,
get it!
Joey:
That tone will
not make me go any faster.
Monica:
(angry) Joey!
Joey:
That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the
copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and
Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her
stomach.]
Ross:
And
everyone's
telling
me,
you
gotta
pick
a
major,
you
gotta
pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked
paleontology. And you
have no idea what
I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a
fetus.
You're just happy you don't have
gills anymore.
Carol:
Look,
you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it
if you
want.
Ross:
Oh, please. I am not
singing to your stomach, ok?
(Susan
enters.)
Susan:
Hi, how's it
goin?
Ross:
Shh! (singing)
Here we come, walkin' down the street, get
the funniest looks from, everyone we
meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol)
Hey, uh, did
you just feel that?
Carol:
I
did.
Ross:
Does it always,
uh--?
Carol:
No, no that was
the first.
Susan:
Keep
singing! Keep singing!
Ross:
(singing)
Hey,
hey,
you're
my
baby,
and
I
can't
wait
to
meet you. When you come out I'll buy
you a bagel, and then we'll
go to the
zoo.
Susan:
I felt it!
Ross:
(singin) Hey, hey, I'm
your daddy. I'm the one without any
breasts.
[Scene:
The
Hallway,
Joey
has
a
tray
full
of
keys,
and is
trying
each one in the lock.]
Joey:
Nope, not that one.
Monica:
Can you go any
faster with that?
Joey:
Hey,
I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do
the
math.
Monica:
Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?
Chandler:
(sarcastic) For an
emergency just like this.
Rachel:
(grabs Chandler by
the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If
it wasn't for you and your stupid
balloon, I would be on a plane
watching
a
woman
do
this
(makes
a
gesture
like
a
stewardess
pointing out
exits) right now. But I'm not.
Monica:
I swear you said you
had the keys.
Rachel:
No, I
didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had
the
keys, and I obviously didn't have
the keys.
Phoebe:
Ooh,
ok,
that's
it.
Enough
with
the
keys.
No
one
say
keys.
(Short pause.)
Monica:
Why would I have the
keys?
Rachel:
Aside from the
fact that you said you had them?
Monica:
But I didn't.
Rachel:
Well, you should
have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel:
Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel:
Because!
Monica:
Why?
Because
everything
is
my
responsibility?
Isn't
it
enough that I'm making
Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You
know, everyone wants a different kind
of potatoes, so I'm making
different
kinds
of
potatoes.
Does
anybody
care
what
kind
of
potatoes
I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as
long as
Phoebe gets her peas and
onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's
my first Thanksgiving, and it's all
burned, and, and I... I...
Chandler:
Ok,
Monica,
only
dogs
can
hear
you
now,
so,
look,
the door's open. Here we go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the
apartment.)
Monica:
Well,
the
turkey's
burnt.
(checking
pots)
Potatoes
are
ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes
are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross:
Here
we
come,
walkin'
down
the
—
this
doesn't
smell
like
Mom's.
Monica:
No,
it
doesn't,
does
it?
But
you
wanted
lumps,
Ross?
(picks
up
the
pan
of
badly
burnt
potatoes)
Well,
here
you
go,
buddy, ya got one.
Rachel:
Oh, god, this is
great! The plane is gone, so it looks like
I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey:
Hey,
we
all
had
better
plans.
This
was
nobody's
first
choice.
Monica:
Oh, really? So why
was I busting my ass to make this
delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey:
You call that
delicious?
(all shouting)
Monica:
Stop it, stop it,
stop it!
Chandler:
Now this
feels like Thanksgiving.
[Time lapse.
Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at
the
window.]
Phoebe: Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe:
Ugly Naked Guy's
taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh
my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked
Guy's having Thanksgiving
dinner with
Ugly Naked Gal.
(They all run to the
window.)
Joey:
I've gotta
see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica:
Ooh, Ugly Naked
Dancing!
Phoebe:
It's nice
that he has someone.
[Time
lapse.
The
gang
is
around
the
table,
eating
grilled
cheese
sandwiches.]
Chandler:
Shall I carve?
Rachel:
By all means.
Chandler:
Ok,
who
wants
light
cheese,
and
who
wants
dark
cheese?
Ross:
I
don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
Monica:
(holding sandwich)
Does anybody wanna split this with
me?
Joey:
Oh, I will.
Phoebe:
Ooh, you guys have
to make a wish.
Monica:
Make
a wish?
Phoebe:
Come
on,
you
know,
Thanksgiving.
Ooh,
you
got
the
bigger half. What'd you
wish for?
Joey:
The bigger
half.
Chandler:
I'd like to
propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding.
I
know
this
isn't
the
kind
of
Thanksgiving
that
all
of
you
all
planned,
but for me, this has been really great, you know,
I think
because it didn't involve
divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway,
I
was
just
thinking,
I
mean,
if
you'd
gone
to
Vail,
and
if
you
guys'd
been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis
and stuff,
we wouldn't be all together,
you know? So I guess what I'm trying
to
say
is
that
I'm
very
thankful
that
all
of
your
Thanksgivings
sucked.
All:
That's so sweet.
Ross:
And
hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel:
And a crappy New
Year.
Chandler:
Here, here!
《
Friends
》第一季
26
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Closing Credits
[Scene:
The
Subway,
Joey
sees
his
poster
and
he
peels
off
the
caption
on
his
poster,
revealing
more
posters
underneath.
The
captions read, as
follows:
Bladder Control
Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3
Tony Awards...
He's finally
happy with that and walks away.]
End
110 The One
With the Monkey
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross:
Guys? There's a
somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All:
Oooh!
Monica:
W-wait. What is
that?
Ross:
'That' would be
Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica:
No, no, I don't.
Rachel:
Oh, he is precious!
Where did you get him?
Ross:
My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe:
That is so cruel!
Why? Why would a parent name their
child Bethel?
Chandler:
Hey, that monkey's
got a Ross on its ass!
Monica:
Ross, is he gonna
live with you, like, in your apartment?
Ross:
Yeah. I mean, it's
been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica:
Why don't you just
get a roommate?
Ross:
Nah,
I
dunno...
I
think
you
reach
a
certain
age,
having
a
roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises)
....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet',
which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way
to live'.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting
ready to sing. Joey is not
there.]
Phoebe:
So you guys, I'm
doing all new material tonight. I have
twelve
new
songs
about
my
mother's
suicide,
and
one
about
a
snowman.
Chandler:
Might wanna open
with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All:
Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica:
So, how'd it go?
Joey:
Ahhhhhh, I didn't get
the job.
Ross:
How could you
not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey:
I
dunno.
Some
fat
guy's
sleeping
with
the
store
manager.
He's not even
jolly, it's all political.
Monica:
So what are you
gonna be?
Joey:
Ah, I'm
gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap
in
the face, y'know?
Rachel:
Hey,
do
you
guys
know
what
you're
doing
for
New
Year's? (They all protest and hit her
with cushions) Gee, what?!
What is
wrong with New Year's?
Chandler:
Nothing
for
you,
you
have
Paolo.
You
don't
have
to
face the horrible pressures of this
holiday: desperate scramble to
find
anything with lips just so you can have someone to
kiss when
the ball drops!! Man, I'm
talking loud!
Rachel:
Well,
for
your information, Paolo is gonna be
in Rome
this New Year, so I'll be just
as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe:
Yeah, you wish!
Chandler:
It's
just
that
I'm
sick
of
being
a
victim
of
this
Dick
Clark
holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a
pact. Just the
six of us- dinner.
All:
Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler:
Y'know, I was
hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
All:
Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel:
Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe:
Oh, oh, good.
Rachel:
(Into microphone)
Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back
by
popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe:
(Takes mike) Thanks,
hi. Um, I wanna start with a song
that
means
a
lot
to
me
this
time
of
year.
(Shakes
bell
as
an
introduction) (Sung:)
I made a man with eyes of
coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la
lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone
is totally depressed by now.)
Phoebe:
(Sung)
...My mother's ashes
Even
her eyelashes
Are resting in a little
yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's
breezy...
(Over
the
sound of
Phoebe
singing
we
hear
two
scientists,
Max
and David, having a
noisy discussion)
Phoebe:
(Sung)
...I feel a little
sneezy
And now I- (abruptly stops)
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah,
noisy boys! (They stop talking and
look
up)
Is
it
something
that
you
would
like
to
share
with
the
entire group?
Max:
No. No, that's- that's
okay.
Phoebe:
Well,
c'mon,
if
it's
important
enough
to
discuss
while
I'm playing, then I
assume it's important enough for everyone else
to hear!
Chandler:
(Quietly, to the
others) That guy's going home with a
note!
David:
Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe:
Could you speak up
please?
David:
(Stands
up
and
speaks
more
loudly)
Sorry,
I
wa-
I
was
just
saying
to
my
friend
that
I
thought
you
were
the
most
beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in
my- in my life. And then he
said that-
you said you thought
Max:
Daryl Hannah.
David:
Daryl
Hannah
was
the
most
beautiful
woman
that
he'd
ever
seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in
Splash, a lot,
but not so much in- in
Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Max:
Hard
quality.
David:
-hard
quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful
in
a
conventional
way,
you
are
luminous
with
a
kind
of
a
delicate
grace.
Then,
uh,
that-
that-that's
when
you
started
yelling.
(Sits
down)
Phoebe:
Okay,
we're
gonna
take
a
short
break.
(Goes
over
to
their table)
Joey:
Hey, that guy's going
home with more than a note!
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is
decorating
for Christmas.]
Ross:
Come here, Marcel. Sit
here. (Marcel wanders off)
Rachel:
Pheebs, I can't
believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean
God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I
mean he had already named
both my
breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross:
Just a smidge.
Phoebe:
David's
like,
y'know,
Scientist
Guy.
He's
very
methodical.
Monica:
I think it's
romantic.
Phoebe:
Me
too!
Oh!
Did
you
ever
see
An
Officer
and
a
Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe:
Well,
he's
kinda
like
the
guy
I
went
to
see
that
with.
Except, except he-he's smarter, and
gentler, and sweeter... I just- I
just
wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and
night and
day... and special
occasions...
Chandler:
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, I see where this is going,
you're
gonna
ask
him
to
New
Year's,
aren't
you.
You're
gonna
break the pact. She's gonna break the
pact.
Phoebe:
No, no, no,
no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
Chandler:
Yeah, 'cause I
already asked Janice.
Monica:
What?!
Ross:
C'mon, this was a
pact! This was your pact!
Chandler:
I snapped, okay? I
couldn't handle the pressure and I
snapped.
Monica:
Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst
breakup
in history!
Chandler:
I'm
not
saying
it
was
a
good
idea,
I'm
saying
I
snapped!
[Joey
enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as
he walks. He
is wearing a long coat.]
Joey:
Hi. Hi, sorry I'm
late.
(He removes the coat to reveal an
elf costume)
Chandler:
Too
many jokes... must mock Joey!
Joey:
Nice shoes, huh? (He
wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)
《
Friends
》第一季
27
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Chandler:
Aah, y'killing me!
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
Monica:
Ross! He's playing
with my spatulas again!
Ross:
Okay, look, he's not
gonna hurt them, right?
Monica:
Do you always have
to bring him here?
Ross:
I
didn't wanna leave him
alone. Alright?
We-
we had our
first fight
this morning. I think it has to do with my working
late.
I
said
some
things
that
I
didn't
mean,
and
he-
he
threw
some
faeces...
Chandler:
Y'know, if you're
gonna work late, I could look in on
him
for you.
Ross:
Oh, that'd be
great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems
like you're there to see him, okay, and
you're not like doing it as a
favour to
me.
Chandler:
Okay, but if
he asks, I'm not going to lie.
[Scene:
Max
and
David's
lab,
David
is
explaining
something
to
Phoebe with the aid of a
whiteboard.]
David:
...But,
you can't actually test this theory, because
today's
particle
accelerators
are
nowhere
near
powerful
enough
to
simulate these
conditions.
Phoebe:
Okay,
alright, I have a question, then.
David: Yuh.
Phoebe:
Um, were you
planning on kissing me ever?
David:
Uh,
that's
definitely
a,
uh,
valid
question.
And,
uh,
the
answer
would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was.
But,
see, I wanted it to be this
phenomenal kiss that happened at this
phenomenal moment, because, well,
'cause it's you.
Phoebe: Sure.
David:
Right. But, see, the
longer I waited, the more phenomenal
the kiss had to be, and now we've
reached a place where it's just
gotta
be one of those things where I just like... sweep
everything
off the table and throw you
down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a,
uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe:
Oh,
David,
I,
I
think
you
are
a
sweeping
sorta
fella.
I
mean,
you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's
body.
David:
Rrrreally.
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah, oh, I'm
sure of it. You should just do it, just
sweep and throw me.
David:
...Now? Now?
Phoebe:
Oh yeah, right now.
David:
Okay,
okay,
okay.
(Gets
ready
to
sweep,
and
then picks
up
a
laptop
computer)
Y'know
what,
this
was
just
really
expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere.
Then picks up a microscope)
And I'll
take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
Phoebe:
Okay, now you're
just kinda tidying.
David:
Okay, what the hell,
what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining
papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe)
You want
me to actually
throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
Phoebe:
I can hop. (She hops
onto the table)
(They kiss, finally)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is
there.]
Ross:
So tell me
something. What does the phrase 'no date pact'
mean to you?
Monica:
I'm
sorry,
okay.
It's
just
that
Chandler
has
somebody,
and Phoebe has
somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler:
Fun Bobby? Your
ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey:
You know more than one
Fun Bobby?
Chandler:
I
happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel:
(Brings Joey a mug
of coffee) Okay, here we go...
Joey:
Ooh ooh ooh ooh,
there's no room for milk!
Rachel:
(Glances
at
Joey
and
then
sips
his
coffee)
There.
Now
there is.
Ross:
Okay,
so
on
our
no-date
evening,
three
of
you
now
have
dates.
Joey:
Uh, four.
Ross:
Four.
Rachel: Five.
Ross:
Five. (Buries his head
in his hands)
Rachel:
Sorry.
Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
Joey:
Yeah,
and
I
met
this
really
hot
single
mom
at
the
store.
What's
an elf to do?
Ross:
Okay,
so
I'm
gonna
be
the
only
one
standing
there
alone
when
the ball drops?
Rachel:
Oh,
c'mon.
We'll
have,
we'll
have
a
big
party,
and
no-one'll know who's
with who.
Ross:
Hey, y'know,
this is so not what I needed right now.
Monica:
What's the matter?
Ross:
Oh, it's-it's Marcel.
He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's
walking around all the time dragging
his hands...
Chandler:
That's so weird, I
had such a blast with him the other
night.
Ross:
Really.
Chandler:
Yeah, we
played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing
is amazing.
Ross:
What, uh... what juggling thing?
Chandler:
With
the
balled-up
socks?
I
figured
you
taught
him
that.
Ross: No.
Chandler:
Y'know,
it
wasn't
that
big
a
deal.
He
just
balled
up
socks... and a melon...
(Max runs in)
Max:
Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe:
Oh, hi Max! Hey, do
you know everybody?
Max:
No.
Have you seen David?
Phoebe:
No, no, he hasn't been around.
Max:
Well,
if
you
see
him,
tell
him
to
pack
his
bags.
We
are
going to Minsk.
Phoebe:
Minsk?
Max:
Minsk. It's in Russia.
Phoebe:
I know where Minsk
is.
Max:
We got the grant.
Three years, all expenses paid.
Phoebe:
So when, when do you
leave?
Max:
January first.
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Max
and
David's
lab,
they
are
working.
Phoebe
knocks
on the door]
Phoebe:
Hello?
David: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
David:
Hi! (Kisses her)
What-what're you doing here?
Phoebe:
Um, well, Max told
me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake
cheery voice) congratulations! This is
so exciting!
Max:
It'd be
even more exciting if we were going.
Phoebe:
Oh,
you're
not
going?
(Fake
disappointed
voice)
Oh,
why?
Max:
Tell her, David. 'I
don't wanna go to Minsk and work with
Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on
nonononononono. I wanna
stay here and
make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
David:
Thank you, Max. Thank
you.
Phoebe:
So-so you're
really not going?
David:
I
don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I
just- you
decide.
Phoebe:
Oh don't do that.
David:
Please.
Phoebe:
Oh no no.
David:
No, but I'm asking-
Phoebe:
Oh, but I can't do
that-
David:
No, but I
can't-
Phoebe:
It's your
thing, and-
David:
-make the
decision-
Phoebe:
Okay, um,
stay.
David:
Stay.
Phoebe: Stay.
(He thinks for
a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
Phoebe:
Getting so good at
that! (She hops on)
David:
It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]
Janice:
I love this
artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it,
the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her
Janice laugh)
Chandler:
You
remember Janice.
Monica:
Vividly.
(Someone knocks on the door;
Monica gets it)
Monica: Hi.
Sandy:
Hi, I'm Sandy.
Joey:
Sandy! Hi! C'mon in!
(She enters, followed by a young boy
and a younger girl)...You brought your
kids.
Sandy:
Yeah. That's
okay, right?
(Joey and Monica look at
each other and shrug. Ross enters with
Marcel on his shoulder)
《
Friends
》第一季
28
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Ross:
Par-tay!
Monica:
That thing is not
coming in here.
Ross:
'That thing'?
This is how
you greet guests
at a party?
Let
me
ask
you
something,
if
I
showed
up
here
with
my
new
girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in
your home?
Monica:
I'm
guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on
my
coffee table.
Ross:
Okay.
He
was
more
embarrassed
about
that
than
anyone.
Okay? And for him to have the courage
to walk back in here like
nothing
happened...
Monica:
Alright.
Just keep him away from me.
Ross:
Thank
you.
(She
walks
off)
C'mon,
Marcel,
whaddya
say
you and I do a little
mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh...
catch up with you later.
(The door opens. Rachel is standing
there. Her coat is muddy and
torn,
her
hair
is
dishevelled
and
her
face
is
bruised.
Everyone
turns to look)
Monica:
Oh
my
gosh!
Rachel,
honey..
are
you
okay?
Where-where's Paolo?
Rachel:
Rome. Jerk missed
his flight.
Phoebe:
And
then... your face is bloated?
Rachel:
No. Okay. I was at
the airport, getting into a cab, when
this woman- this blonde planet with a
pocketbook- starts yelling
at
me.
Something
about
how
it
was
her
cab
first.
And
then
the
next thing I know she
just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair!
So
I'm
blowing
my
attack
whistle
thingy
and
three
more
cabs
show
up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles
me. And I
hit
my
head
on
the
kerb
and
cut
my
lip
on
my
whistle...oh...everybody
having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are
people eating my dip?
[Time
lapse.
Monica
and
Rachel,
fixed
up
somewhat,
emerge
from a bedroom]
Sandy:
Y'know,
when
I
saw
you
at
the
store
last
week,
it
was
probably
the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
Joey:
Wow, that's, uh,
dirty.
Sandy:
Yeah.
(They
almost
kiss
and
then
Joey
realises
her
kids
are
staring
at
them)
Joey:
Hey,
kids...
Ross:
(Watching
Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at
him. I'm not saying he has to spend the
whole evening with me,
but at least
check in.
Janice:
(Startles
them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from
me!
Chandler:
(Imitating) But you found me!
Janice:
Here, Ross, take our
picture. (Hands him a camera and he
starts snapping) Smile! You're on
Janice Camera!
Chandler:
Kill me. Kill me now.
(Someone
else
knocks
on
the
door.
Monica
looks
through
the
spyhole)
Monica:
Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
(Everyone
cheers.
Monica
opens
the
door.
Bobby
is
obviously
very depressed)
Fun
Bobby:
Hey,
sorry
I'm
late.
But
my,
uh,
grandfather,
he-
died
about
two
hours
ago.
But
I-I-I
couldn't
get
a
flight
out
'til
tomorrow, so here I am!
Joey:
(Approaching) Hey Fun
Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
(Monica
gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
[Time
lapse.
Bobby
is
talking
about
his
grandfather.
Everyone
else is virtually in tears]
Fun Bobby:
It's gonna be an
open casket, y'know, so at least I'll-
I get to see him again.
Janice:
(Ross is still
taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this
one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited'
in glitter.
Chandler:
Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice...
Hey, Janice,
when I invited
you to this party
I didn't
necessarily think that it
meant that
we-
Janice:
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chandler:
I'm sorry you
misunderstood...
Janice:
Oh
my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to
me.
One
of
these
times
is
just
gonna
be
your
last
chance
with
me.
(She runs off)
(Ross is still taking photos)
Chandler:
Oh, will you give
me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max
walks up)
Phoebe:
Hi, Max!
Max:
Yoko. (To David) I've
decided to go to Minsk without you.
David: Wow.
Max:
It
won't
be
the
same-
but
it'll
still
be
Minsk.
Happy
New
Year.(Walks off)
Phoebe:
Are you alright?
David:
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm
fine.
(Phoebe leads David
into a bedroom)
Phoebe:
You're going to Minsk.
David:
No, I'm... not going
to Minsk.
Phoebe:
Oh,
you
are
so
going
to
Minsk.
You
belong
in
Minsk.
You
can't stay here just 'cause of me.
David:
Yes
I
can.
Because
if
I
go
it
means
I
have
to
break
up
with you, and I can't
break up with you.
Phoebe:
Oh
yes,
yes,
yes
you
can.
Just
say,
um,
'Phoebe,
my
work
is my life and that's what I have to do right
now'. And I say
'your work?! Your
work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you
say,
um,
'it's
tearing
me
apart,
but
I
have
no
choice.
Can't
you
understand that?'. And I
say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand
that!'.
David:
Uh, ow.
Phoebe:
Ooh, sorry.
Um, and, and then you put your arms around
me. And then you put your arms around
me. (He does so) And,
um, and then you
tell me that you love me and you'll never forget
me.
David:
I'll
never forget you.
Phoebe:
And then you say that it's almost midnight and you
have
to go because you don't wanna
start the new year with me if you
can't
finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You
scientist guy.
Dick Clark:
(on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times
Square.
We're in a virtual snowstorm of
confetti here in Times Square...
(Joey
puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
Joey:
There y'go, kids.
Chandler:
(To a woman who he
has clearly just met) And then
the
peacock
bit
me.
(Laughs)
Please
kiss
me
at
midnight.
(She
leaves)
Joey:
You
seen Sandy?
Chandler:
Ooh.
Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's
in
Monica's
bedroom,
getting
it
on
with
Max,
that
scientist
geek.
Ooh, look at that, I did know how to
tell you.
Rachel:
Vrrbddy,
the bll is drrbing.
All:
(in
the kitchen) What?
Rachel:
The bll is drrbing!
Dick
Clark:
(on TV) In twenty seconds it'll
be midnight...
Chandler:
And
the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey:
Looks like that no
date pact thing worked out.
Phoebe:
Everybody looks so
happy. I hate that.
Monica:
Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
(Bobby
waves
and
then
bursts
into
tears.
Midnight
comes
and
everyone at the party except for the
gang cheers and kisses)
Chandler:
Y'know, I uh..
just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm
no math whiz, but I do believe there
are three girls and three guys
right
here. (Makes kiss noise)
Phoebe:
I dunno. I don't
feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Rachel:
I can't kiss anyone.
Monica:
So I'm kissing
everyone?
Joey:
Nonono, you
can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
Ross:
Perfect. Perfect. So
now everybody's getting kissed but me.
Chandler:
Alright,
somebody
kiss
me.
Somebody
kiss
me,
it's
midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Joey:
Alrightalrightalright.
(Kisses
him.
Ross
takes
a
photo)
There.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time
lapse.]
Ross:
(Watching
Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to
work
so
much.
I
mean
I'm
still
in
there,
changing
his
diapers,
pickin' his
fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard
to accept
the fact that something you
love so much doesn't love you back.
Rachel:
...I think that
bitch cracked my tooth.
End
111 The One With Mrs. Bing
[Scene:
A
Street:
Monica
and
Phoebe
are
walking
to
a
newsstand.]
《
Friends
》第一季
29
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Phoebe:
Do you think they
have yesterday's daily news?
Monica:
Why?
Phoebe:
Just wanna
check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica:
Oh my God. (Grabs
Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe.
Don't look now, but behind us is a guy
who has the potential to
break our
hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe:
Where?
(Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
Monica:
He's coming. Be
cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks
past them)
Guy:
Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe:
(in
unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe:
We should do
something. Whistle.
Monica:
We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe:
Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe:
Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe:
Do it do it do it!
Monica:
(Shouts to the guy)
Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round,
startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy
gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe:
I can't believe you
did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma
and Mon and Pheebs are
visiting.]
Monica:
Why did I 'woo-hoo'?
I mean, what was I hoping would
happen?
That-that
he'd
turn
round
and
say
'I
love
that
sound,
I
must have you now'?
Phoebe:
I
just
wish
there
was
something
we
could
do.
(Bends
down and talks to him) Hello. Hello,
Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU
GIRL SCOUT! UP!
UP! UP!
Monica:
Phoebe, what
are you doing?
Phoebe:
Maybe
nobody's tried this.
Monica:
I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that
face. I
mean, even sleeping, he looks
smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe:
Yeah,
but
did
you
see
the
dents
in
his
knuckles?
That
means he's artistic.
Monica:
Okay, he's a lawyer,
who teaches sculpting on the side.
And-
he can dance!
Phoebe:
Oh!
And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking,
he's
listening,
y'know,
and
not
saying
'Yeah,
I
understand'
but
really wondering what you look like
naked.
Monica:
I wish all
guys could be like him.
Phoebe:
I know.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
and
Phoebe
are
telling
everyone about their coma guy.]
Chandler:
Are there no
conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica:
He doesn't have
anyone.
Phoebe:
Yeah, we-we
feel kinda responsible.
Joey:
I can't believe you
said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
Rachel:
Oh,
she's
coming
up!
She's
coming
up!
(Turns
on
the
TV)
Jay
Leno:
(on
TV)
Folks,
when
we
come
back
we'll
be
talking
about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound':
the always interesting
Nora
Tyler
Bing.
You
might
wanna
put
the
kids
to bed
for
this
one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch,
except Chandler)
Chandler:
Y'know,
we
don't
have
to
watch
this.
Weekend
At
Bernie's
is on
Showtime
,
HBO
, and
Cinemax
.
Rachel:
No way, forget it.
Joey:
C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler:
Exactly.
Weekend At Bernie's
! Dead
guy getting hit in
the groin twenty,
thirty times! No?
Rachel:
Chandler,
I
gotta
tell
you,
I
love
your
mom's
books!
I
love her
books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I
mean, this
is so cool!
Chandler:
Yeah,
well,
you
wouldn't
think
it
was
cool
if
you're
eleven years old and
all your friends are passing around page 79
of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross:
C'mon, Chandler, I
love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler:
You can say that
because she's not your mom.
Ross:
Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo:
Bona sera.
Rachel:
Oh, hi sweetie.
(They kiss)
Ross:
When did
Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica:
Last night.
Ross:
Ah, so then his plane
didn't explode in a big ball of fire?...
Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe:
Hey hey hey! She's
on!
Paolo:
Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay
Leno:
(on
TV)
...Now
what
is
this
about
you-you
being
arrested i-in London?
What is that all about?
Phoebe:
Your mom was
arrested?
Chandler:
Shhh,
busy beaming with pride.
Mrs.
Bing:
(on
TV)
...This
is
kind
of
embarrassing,
but
occasionally after I've been intimate
with a man...
Chandler:
Now
why would she say that's embarrassing?
All:
Shhh.
Mrs.
Bing:
(on
TV)
...I
just
get
this
craving
for
Kung
Pow
Chicken.
Chandler:
THAT'S TOO MUCH
INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno:
(on
TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book
tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs.
Bing:
(on
TV)
Oh,
fine.
I'm
leaving
for
New
York
tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to
see my son, who I love...
All:
Awww!
Chandler:
This
is
the
way
that
I
find
out.
Most
moms
use
the
phone.
Jay Leno:
(on TV) Y'know,
don't take this wrong, I-I just don't
see
you
a-as a
mom,
somehow..
I
don't
mean
that,
I
don't
mean
that bad...
Mrs.
Bing:
(on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous
mom! I bought my
son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler:
...And then he
burst into flames.
[Scene: The
Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's
visit
to the hospital with
My Guy
playing in the
background.
It starts
with
Monica reading a newspaper to him.]
Monica:
Let's
see.
Congress
is debating
a
new
deficit
reduction
bill...
the
mayor
wants
to
raise
subway
fares
again...
the
high
today
was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an
enormous plant into the room,
then
Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing,
then Phoebe
shaving him and chatting to
Monica]
Phoebe:
What about
Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica:
Nah... not-not
special enough.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
How about Agamemnon?
Monica:
Waaay too special.
[Scene: A Mexican
Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler
and his mom are there.]
Mrs.
Bing:
I
am
famished.
What
do
I
want...
(Looks
at
Chandler's menu)
Chandler:
Please God don't
let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Mrs.
Bing:
Oh, you watched the show! What'd
you think?
Chandler:
Well, I
think you need to come out of your shell just a
little.
Ross:
(Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've
picked this
place.
Mrs.
Bing:
Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun.
Gimme a hug. (They
both sit down) Well,
I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler:
I know I am.
Mrs. Bing:
Who's doing
shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe:
I'm in.
Mrs. Bing:
There y'go. Ross?
Ross:
Uh, I'm not really a
shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel
and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
Rachel:
Hi!
Sorry-
sorry
we're
late,
we,
uh,
kinda
just,
y'know,
lost track of time.
Ross:
...But a man can
change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse.
Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot
glass to his eye like a jeweller's
eye.]
Ross:
Anyone want me
to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds
something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Rachel:
Mrs. Bing, I have to
tell you, I've read everything you've
ever
written.
No,
I
mean
it!
I
mean,
when
I
read
Euphoria
at
Midnight, all I wanted to
do was become a writer.
Mrs.
Bing:
Oh, please, honey, listen, if I
can do it, anybody can.
《
Fri
ends
》第一季
30
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You
just
start
with
half
a dozen
European
cities,
throw
in
thirty
euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam!
You have got yourself a
book.
Chandler:
Myyy mother,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing
on the telephone.]
Mrs.
Bing:
Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked
'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing:
You
okay there, slugger?
Ross:
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from
the toilet
behind him and he tries to
pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs.
Bing:
What is with you tonight?
Ross:
Nothing. Nothing
nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing:
(To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the
Italian
Hand-Licker, isn't it.
Ross:
No. It's the one he's
licking.
Mrs. Bing:
She's
supposed to be with you.
Ross:
You're good.
Mrs. Bing:
Oh, Ross, listen
to me. I have sold a hundred million
copies of my books, and y'know why?
Ross:
The girl on the cover
with her nipples showing?
Mrs.
Bing:
No.
Because
I
know
how
to
write
men
that
women
fall
in
love
with.
Believe
me,
I
cannot
sell
a
Paolo. People
will
not turn three hundred twenty-five
pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the
guy's
a
secondary
character,
a,
y'know,
complication
you
eventually kill off.
Ross:
When?
Mrs.
Bing:
He's not a hero. ...You know who
our hero is.
Ross:
The guy
on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing:
No, it's you!
Ross:
Please.
Mrs. Bing:
No, really,
c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Ross:
Right.
Mrs.
Bing:
You are gonna be fine, believe
me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross:
Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey:
Uhhhh.... I'll just
pee in the street.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next
morning. Joey is getting the
door in
his dressing gown
—
it's
Ross.]
Ross:
Hey, is
Chandler here?
Joey:
Yeah.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and
slams the door)
Ross:
Okay,
uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't
tell...
(Joey shakes his head) Okay,
'cause I'm thinking- we don't need
to
tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right?
One kiss? No big
deal? Right?
Joey:
Right. No big deal.
Ross:
Okay.
Joey:
In Bizarro World!! You
broke the code!
Ross:
What
code?
Joey:
You don't kiss
your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe
a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom,
never a mom!
(Chandler
opens
the
door
and
startles
them.
He
picks
up
the
paper)
Chandler:
What are you guys doing out here?
Ross:
Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey
and I had discussed getting in an early
morning
racquetball
game.
But,
um,
apparently,
somebody
overslept.
Joey:
Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross:
No, no I don't,
because it's being restrung, somebody was
supposed to bring me one.
Joey:
Yeah, well you didn't
call and leave your grip size.
Chandler:
Okay, you guys
spend waaaay too much time together.
(Goes back inside and shuts the door)
Ross:
Okay, I'm scum, I'm
scum.
Joey:
Ross, how could
you let this happen?
Ross:
I
don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a
regular mom,
y'know? She's, she's sexy,
she's...
Joey:
You don't
think my mom's sexy?
Ross:
Well... not in the same way...
Joey:
I'll
have
you
know
that
Gloria
Tribbiani
was
a
handsome
woman
in
her
day,
alright?
You
think
it's
easy
giving
birth
to
seven children?
Ross:
Okay, I think we're
getting into a weird area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and
Rachel and Paolo emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross:
Hey.
Rachel:
What're you guys
doing out here?
Ross:
Well,
not playing raquetball!
Joey:
He forgot to leave his
grip size!
Ross:
He didn't
get the goggles!
Rachel:
Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down
the hall)
Rachel:
Goodbye,
baby.
Paolo:
Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross:
Do they wait for me to
do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica
and Rachel's apartment)
Joey:
So are you gonna tell
him?
Ross:
Why would I tell
him?
Joey:
How about 'cause
if you don't, his mother might.
Ross:
Oh...
Monica:
(Entering) What are
you guys doing here?
Joey:
Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica:
...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there
stroking Coma Guy's hair, when
Monica
enters with a bunch of balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica:
What are you doing
here?
Phoebe:
Nothing, I
just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh...
that I.. y'know, so what are you doing
here?
Monica:
I'm
not
really
here.
Just
thought
I'd
drop
these
off...on
the way.. my way... Do you come here a
lot? Without me?
Phoebe:
No.
(Monica
brushes
Coma
Guy's
hair
in
the
other
direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you
think he's doing any better
than he was
this morning?
Monica:
How
would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe:
Really?
Not
even
to,
um,
change
his
PAJAMAS?!
(Whips back the
sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is
talking to Chandler. Joey is
making a
snack at the bar.]
Chandler:
Oh my God.
Ross:
You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler:
I can't believe
it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross:
Yeah, um, I don't know
if you noticed, but he had a lot to
drink,
and
you
know
how
he
gets
when
he's
drun..uh...
(He
has
caught
sight
of
Joey
scowling
at
him)
I
can't
do
this,
I did
it,
it
was me,
I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler:
What?
Ross:
I was really
upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had
too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs.
Mom- your Bing- was just
being
nice,
y'know,
and-
But
nothing
happened,
nothing-
Ask
Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler:
(To Joey) You knew
about this?
Joey:
Uh...
y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler:
I
spent
the
entire
day
with
you,
why
didn't
you
tell
me?!
Joey:
Hey,
hey,
hey,
you're
lucky
I
caught
them
when
I
did,
or
else who
knows what woulda happened.
Ross:
Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler:
(To Ross) I can't
believe this! What the hell were you
thinking?
Ross:
I
wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler:
Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I
go
through with my mom more than you.
Ross:
I know-
Chandler:
I can't believe
you did this. (Walks toward the door)
Ross:
Chandler-
Joey:
Me neither, y'know
what-
Chandler:
I'm still
mad at you for not telling me.
Joey:
What are you mad at me
for?!
Ross:
Chandler-
Chandler:
You
gotta
let
me
slam
the
door!
(Leaves;
slams
the
door)
Joey:
(Shouting after him)
Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To
Ross) See what happens when you break
the code?
Ross:
Joey-
《
Friends
》第一季
31
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t
Joey:
Ah! (Points to door)
Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
is
there
except
for
Chandler.
Rachel is writing
something and Monica walks up.]
Monica:
Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica:
(Reading) 'A Woman
Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel:
Yeah.
Thought
I'd
give
it
a
shot.
I'm
still
on
the
first
chapter. Now, do you think his 'love
stick can be liberated from
its denim
prison'?
Monica:
(Reads)
Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in
'engorged'.
Phoebe:
(Walks
up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
Rachel:
Hey.
Phoebe:
Hello.
Monica:
Hello.
Phoebe:
Going to the
hospital tonight?
Monica:
No, you?
Phoebe:
No, you?
Monica:
You just asked me.
Phoebe:
Okay, maybe it was a
trick question. (Plays a few chords)
Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Rachel:
Okay. (Writes a
little more) I am so hot!
Joey:
(To Ross, on the
couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother
and
father
on
their
wedding
day.
Now
you
tell
me
she's
not
a
knockout.
Ross:
I cannot believe we're
having this conversation.
Joey:
C'mon! Just try to
picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel:
(Into microphone)
Central Perk is proud to present Miss
Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe:
Thanks. Hi, um,
'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's
about
a
man
that
I
recently
met,
who's,
um,
come
to
be
very
important to me.
(Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)
You don't have to be awake
to be my man,
As long as you have
brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,
There's something I have
got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking
out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm
gonna
take
a
short
break!
(Runs
out,
knocking
over
the
mike
stand)
Rachel:
(Into
mike)
Okay,
that
was
Phoebe
Buffay,
everybody.
Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler:
What was that?
Ross:
Oh, uh, Phoebe just
started a...
Chandler:
Yeah,
I
believe
I
was
talking
to
Joey,
alright
there,
Mother-Kisser? (Goes
to the counter)
Joey:
(Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look)
I'll shut up.
Ross:
Chandler,
can
I
just
say
something?
I-I
know
you're
still
mad at me, I just wanna say that there
were two people there that
night. Okay?
Two sets of lips.
Chandler:
Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's
always
been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross:
Okay,
well, if she always behaves like this, why don't
you
say something?
Chandler:
Because
it's
complicated,
it's
complex-
Hey,
you
kissed
my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross:
(To the rest of
Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler:
That's very funny.
We done now?
Ross:
No! Okay,
you mean, you're not gonna talk to her,
you're
not gonna tell her how you feel?
Chandler:
That
would
be
no.
Look,
just
because
you
played
tonsil tennis with my
mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright?
Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross:
Okay,
'you'
can't,
or
(Points
to
Chandler)
you
can't?
(Chandler
grabs
his
finger)
Okay,
that's
my
finger.
(Chandler
twists it and Ross goes down on one
knee) That's, that's my knee.
(To
Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene:
The
Coma
Guy's
Room,
Monica
bursts
in,
closely
followed by Phoebe.
There is no sign of Coma Guy.
His bed
is
empty.]
Phoebe:
Alright, whadyou do
with him?
(There
is
the
sound
of
a
flushing
toilet
and
Coma
Guy
emerges
from the bathroom)
Monica:
Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe:
Look at you! How,
how do you feel?
Coma Guy:
Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica:
You look good!
Coma Guy:
I feel good!
...Who are you?
Monica:
Oh,
sorry.
Phoebe:
I'm Phoebe
Buffay.
Monica:
I'm Monica
Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe:
Well, we both have.
Coma Guy:
So, the Etch-a-
Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe:
Well, actually it's
just from me.
Monica:
I got
you the foot massager.
Phoebe:
You know who shaved
you? That was me.
Monica:
I
read to you.
Phoebe:
I sang.
(To Monica) Hah!
Coma Guy:
Well,... thanks.
Monica:
Oh,
my pleasure.
Phoebe:
You're
welcome.
Coma Guy:
So. I
guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe:
What, that's it?
Monica:
Coma Guy:
Well, what do you
want me to say?
Monica:
Oh,
I don't know. Maybe, um,
something to
me?
Coma Guy:
Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe:
I don't think you
mean that.
Monica:
This
is
so
typical.
Y'know,
we
give,
and
we
give,
and
we give. And then- we just get nothing
back! And then one day,
y'know,
it's
just,
you
wake
up,
and
you
around!
Let's
go,
Phoebe.
Phoebe:
Y'know
what?
We
thought
you
were
different.
But
I
guess it was just the coma.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is
talking with his mom.]
Mrs.
Bing:
Car's
waiting
downstairs,
I
just
wanted
to
drop
off
these
copies
of
my
book
for
your
friends.
Anything
you
want
from Lisbon?
Chandler:
No, just knowing
you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs.
Bing:
Alright,
well,
be
good,
I
love
you.
(Kisses
him
and
goes to leave)
Chandler:
You
kissed
my
best
Ross!
...Or
something
to
that
effect.
Mrs.
Bing:
(Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it
was stupid.
Chandler:
Really
stupid.
Mrs.
Bing:
Really
stupid.
And
I
don't
even
know
how
it
happened.
I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen
again.
Are we okay now?
Chandler:
Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening
to Chandler and his mom's
conversation
through the door as Ross walks up.]
Ross:
Ah, the forbidden love
of a man and his door.
Joey:
Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just
about the kiss,
about everything.
Ross:
You're kidding.
Joey:
No,
no.
He
said
are
you
gonna
grow
up
and
start
being a
mom?
Ross:
Wow!
Joey:
Then she came back
with
gonna grow up and
realise I have a bomb?
Ross:
'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say
you gonna grow up and realise I am your
mom?
Joey:
That makes more
sense.
Ross:
So, what's
going on now?
Joey:
I
dunno,
I've
been
standing
here
spelling
it
out
for
you!
(Goes back to the door) I don't hear
anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
(Looks
through the spyhole)
Ross:
Whaddya see?
Joey:
Hard
to
tell,
they're
so
tiny
and
upside-down.
Wait,
wait.
They're
walking
away...
they're
walking
away...
No,
no
they're
not, they're coming right at us! Run!
Run!
(Joey
runs
off
down
the
hall.
Ross
tries
Monica
and
Rachel's
apartment,
but
it
is
locked
so
he
has
to
stand
in
the
hall
and
pretend he wasn't
listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Mrs. Bing:
You okay, kiddo?
Chandler:
Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing:
Alright. (Kisses
him)
Chandler:
Nice save.
(She walks down the hall)
《<
/p>
Friends
》第一季
32
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Ross:
(Very politely) Mrs.
Bing.
Mrs. Bing:
Mr. Geller.
(She leaves)
(Ross knocks on
Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler:
Hey.
Ross:
You mean that?
Chandler:
Yeah, why not.
(They shake hands) So I told her.
Ross:
Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler:
Awful. Awful.
Couldn'ta gone worse.
Ross:
Well, howdya feel?
Chandler:
Pretty good! I
told her.
Ross:
Well, see?
So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me
kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his
finger at Chandler, then
puts it down)
But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies
of her
book to the gang.]
Rachel:
Okay. Now this is
just the first chapter, and I want your
absolute
honest
opinion.
Oh,
oh,
and
on
page
two,
he's
not
'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica:
What's a 'niffle'?
Joey:
You usually find them
on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel:
Alright, alright, so
I'm not a great typist...
Ross:
Wait, did you get to
the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'?
Tell
ya,
you
don't
wanna
be
around
when
he
starts
writing
with
those!
Rachel:
Alright, that's it!
Give it back! That's it!
All:
Nooo!
End
112 The One
With the Dozen Lasagnes
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
is
there.
Ross
working
on
crossword puzzle, starts humming theme
from
The Odd Couple
.
Chandler
joins
in,
followed
by
Monica
and
Phoebe,
then
the
whole
gang.
Ross
starts
humming
theme
from
I
Dream
Of
Jeannie
.]
Chandler:
No-no-no-no, we're
done.
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
is
on
the
phone
in
the
kitchen.]
Monica:
Aunt Syl, stop
yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had
told me vegetarian lasagna, I would
have made vegetarian lasagna.
(pauses,
listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only
every
third layer, maybe you could
scrape.
(Camera
moves
to
Chandler,
Phoebe,
Ross,
and
Joey
sitting
in
living room)
Joey:
Ross, did you really
read all these baby books?
Ross:
Yup!
You
could
plunk
me
down
in
the
middle
of
any
woman's uterus, no
compass, and I can find my way out of there
like that! (snaps fingers)
Phoebe:
Ooh,
this
is
cool...it
says
in
some
parts
of
the
world,
people actually eat
the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
Chandler:
And,
we're
done
with
the
yogurt.
(Sets
yogurt
down
on
table)
Phoebe:
(softly)
Sorry.
(Camera
pans
back
to
Monica,
still
on
phone)
Monica:
Aunt Syl, I did this
as a favor, I am not a caterer. What
do
you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens
to Aunt Syl
on
phone,
looks
shocked)
Nice
talk,
Aunt
Syl.
(in
New
York
accent) You kiss Uncle
Freddie with that mouth?
(Camera pans
back to group in living room)
Joey:
Hey Ross, listen, you
know that right now, your baby's only
this
big?
(measures
about
2
inches
with
his
thumb
and
index
finger) This is your baby. (in baby-
like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross:
(waves) Hello!
Joey:
(in baby-like voice)
How come you don't live with Mommy?
(pause; shows Ross less than amused)
How come Mommy lives
with
that
other
lady?
(pause;
Ross
still
looks
less
than
amused;
Joey
smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking
Italian. Ross looks annoyed)
Rachel:
Honey,
you
can
say
it,
Poconos,
Poconos,
it's
like
Poc-o-nos
(touching
Paolo's
nose
with
forefinger
with
each
syllable)
Paolo:
Ah,
poke
(Paolo
touches
Rachel's
nose)
a
(touches
nose
again) nose, mmm (they
rub noses, then kisses her)
Joey,
Chandler,
and
Ross:
(sitting
in
living
room,
imitating
Paolo) Mma, Mma,
Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica,
and Phoebe in the kitchen)
Monica:
So, did I hear
Poconos?
Rachel:
Yes, my
sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
Phoebe:
Woo-hoo, first
weekend away together!
Monica:
Yeah, that's a big
step.
Rachel:
I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler:
(to Ross) Ah, it's
just a weekend, big deal!
Ross:
Wasn't
this
supposed
to
be
just
a
fling,
huh?
Shouldn't
it
be...(makes flinging motions with
hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back
to Rachel)
Rachel:
I
mean,
we
are
way
past
the
fling
thing,
I
mean,
I
am
feeling things that I've
only read about in Danielle Steele books,
you know? I mean, when I'm with him,
I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to
Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross:
...nauseous, I'm
physically nauseous. What am I supposed
to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses,
looks suddenly inspired) I
could call
immigration!
[Scene: The Hallway,
Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment,
carrying lasagna.]
Joey:
I
love
babies,
with
their
little
baby
shoes,
and
their
little
baby toes, and their
little baby hands...
Chandler:
Ok, you're going
to have to stop that, forever!
(Joey
opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table
falls over)
Joey:
Need a new
table.
Chandler:
You think?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a
knock on the door and Carol
answers it
to Ross.]
Carol:
Hey hey,
come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying
lasagna)
Ross:
Hey, hello!
mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books,
and Monica sends her love, along with
this lasagna.
Carol:
Oh great! Is it
vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
Ross:
(pauses) I'm pretty
sure that it is...
Carol:
So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross:
(making flinging
gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me,
is everything, uhh....?
Carol:
Totally and
completely healthy!
Ross:
Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses
Carol. Then
picks up a picture frame)
Ross:
Hey, when did you and
Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol:
Uh, that's our friend
Tanya.
Ross:
(surprised,
chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend
Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol:
Don't you want to
know about the sex?
Ross:
(chuckles nervously)
The sex?
(chuckles) Um, I'm having
enough
trouble with the image of you and Susan together,
when
you throw in Tanya (miming washing
hair, that's the best I could
think
of), yaw...
Carol:
The sex
of the baby, Ross.
Ross:
Oh,
you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
Carol:
Do you want to know?
Ross:
No, no, no, no, no, I
don't want to know, absolutely not. I
think,
you
know,
I
think
you
should
know
until
you
look
down
there, and say, oop, there it is!
(pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan:
Oh, hello Ross!
Ross:
Susan...
Susan:
So, so, did you hear?
Ross:
Yes, we did,
everything's A-OK!
Susan:
Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle,
Ross steps
away) It really is...do we
know...?
Carol:
Yes, we
certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross:
(flailing arms in
protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello,
guy who doesn't want to know, standing
right here!
Susan:
Oh, well,
is it what we thought it would be?
Carol:
Mm-hmmm (Susan and
Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands
back,
reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
Ross:
Ok, what, what...ok,
what did we think it was going to be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross:
(interrupts) No, no,
no I don't want to know, don't want to
know.
Ok,
you
know,
I
should
probably,
I
should
probably
just
《
Friends
》第一季
33
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t
go.
Carol:
Well, thanks for the
books.
Ross:
No
problem,
ok,
mmmwa
(kisses
Carol)
oh,
mmmwa
(kisses Carol's
stomach,
then
punches
Susan's
shoulder)
Susan...
(Ross leaves.)
Susan:
All right, who should
we call first, your folks, or Deb and
Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol:
Hello?
Ross:
(on intercom) Uh,
never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol
and Susan laugh)
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's,
Joey and Chandler
use their knees
as a table to support
the lasagna.]
Chandler:
Ok,
so it's just because it was my table, I have to
buy a
new one?
Joey:
That's the rule.
Chandler:
What rule? There's
no rule, if anything, you owe me a
table!
Joey:
How'd you get to that?
Chandler:
Well,
I
believe
the
piece
of
furniture
was
fine
until
your
little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio
Joey:
You knew about that?
Chandler:
Well,
let's
just
say
the
impressions
you
made
in
the
butter left little to
the imagination.
Joey:
Ok,
ok, How about if we split it?
Chandler:
What do you mean,
like, buy it together?
Joey:
Yeah
Chandler:
You think
we're ready for something like that?
Joey:
Why not?
Chandler:
Well,
it's
a
pretty
big
commitment,
I
mean,
what
if
one of us wants to move out?
Joey:
Why, are you moving
out?
Chandler:
I'm not
moving out.
Joey:
You'd tell me if you
were moving out right
Chandler:
Yeah, yeah, it's
just that with my last roommate Kip...
Joey:
Aw, I know all about
Kip!
Chandler:
It's just
that we bought a hibachi together, and then he
ran off and got married, and things got
pretty ugly.
Joey:
Well, let
me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate
than me?
Chandler:
Aw, don't do that
[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor,
Phoebe's assistant is telling her
about
the changes to her schedule.]
Phoebe's
Assistant:
We've got a couple changes
in your schedule.
Your 4:00 herbal
massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss
Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe:
Ok, thanks.
(assistant leaves, then walks back in)
Phoebe's
Assistant:
Oh,
here
comes
your
3:00.
I don't
mean
to
sound
unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
Paolo:
Buon Giorno, Bella
Phoebe!
Phoebe:
Oh, Paolo,
hi, what are you doing here?
Paolo:
Uh, Racquela tell me
you massage, eh?
Phoebe:
Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
(Paolo
speaks Italian)
Phoebe:
Oh,
okay,
I
don't
know
what
you
just
said,
so
let's
get
started.
Paolo:
Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe:
Um,
that's
really
your
decision,
I
mean,
some
people
prefer, you know, to take off...oh
whoops! You're being naked!
[Scene:
Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Rachel:
(to Ross) I can't
believe you don't want to know. I mean,
I
couldn't
not
know,
I
mean,
if,
if
the
doctor
knows,
and
Carol
knows, and Susan
knows....
Monica:
And Monica knows...
Ross:
Wha, heh, how could
you know, I don't even know!
Monica:
Carol called me to
thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she
told me.
Joey:
So
what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's
ear. Ross
gets up and waves arms
frantically in protest)
Ross:
Wait
—
oh
—
hey
—
huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't
know!
Monica:
I'm
sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
Joey:
Or an uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
Ross:
Hi Pheebs!
Rachel:
Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica:
Phoebe, what's the
matter?
Phoebe:
Nothing, I'm
sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Customer:
Hey, can we get
some cappuccino over here?
Rachel:
Oh, right, that's
me!
Joey:
Hey, Chandler,
that table place closes at 7, come on.
Chandler:
Fine. (Joey and
Chandler walk towards the door)
Monica:
Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe:
All right, you know
Paolo?
Ross:
I'm familiar
with his work, yes...
Phoebe:
Well, he made a move
on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey:
Whoa, store will be
open tomorrow!
Chandler:
More coffee over here, please!
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica:
Well, what happened?
Phoebe:
Well, he came in for
a massage, and everything was fine
until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying
on massage table,
moving
his
hands up Phoebe's legs.)
[Cut back to
Central Perk.]
Joey and Chandler:
Ooooohh!
Ross:
My
God.
Monica:
Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo
grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to
Central Perk.]
Phoebe:
Oh
yeah,
I'm
sure.
(Flashback
resumes
with
Phoebe
doing
a
voiceover.)
And
all
of
a
sudden
his
hands
weren't
the
problem anymore. (Flashback continues:
Paolo rolls over, Phoebe
looks down,
then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)
Monica:
Was it...?
Phoebe:
Oh, boy scouts could
have camped under there.
Guys:
Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross:
The actress!
(all talking indistinctly,
high-fiving)
Ross:
Thanks
Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler:
So what are you
gonna do?
Ross:
You have to
tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral
obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I
think it's a feminist issue!
Guys?
Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
Chandler:
Oh, yeah, you have
to tell her.
Joey:
Feminist
issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe:
She is gonna hate
me.
Ross:
(sympathetic
yet...) Yeah, well...
[Scene: The Table
Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their
new table.]
Joey:
Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about
that one?
(points to a table)
Chandler:
That's patio
furniture!
Joey:
So what,
like people are gonna come in and think,
I'm outside
again?
Chandler:
(gesturing
towards
another
table)
What
about
the
birds?
Joey:
I
don't
know,
birds
just
don't
say,
sit
here,
eat
somethi
ng.
Chandler:
You pick one.
Joey:
All right, how about
the ladybugs?
Chandler:
Oh,
so,
forget
about
the
birds,
but
big
red
insects
suggest fine dining!
Joey:
Fine, you want to get
the birds, get the birds!
Chandler:
Not like that, I
won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked
the birds! (Joey turns and gives
Chandler a dirty look)
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes
in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel:
Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe:
Are you moving out?
Rachel:
No,
these
aren't
all
my
suitcases.
(picks
up
small
blue
suitcase and shows to
Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
《
Friends
》第一季
34
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Phoebe:
Um, um, Rachel can
we talk for a sec?
Rachel:
Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on
his way
over.
Phoebe:
Oh! (sits down) Ok,
um, ok, um,
Rachel:
Oh, Pheebs,
Pheebs...
Phoebe:
Ok, um,
(clears throat) we haven't known each other for
that long a time, and, um, there are
three things that you should
know about
me. One, my friends are the most important thing
in
my life, two, I never lie, and
three, I make the best oatmeal raisin
cookies
in
the
world.
(Phoebe
opens
a
tin
and
offers
Rachel
a
cookie)
Rachel:
(taking cookie) Ok,
thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie,
overwhelmed)
Oh
my
God,
why
have
I
never
tasted
these
before?!
Phoebe:
Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think
it's fair
to the other cookies
Rachel:
All
right,
well,
you're
right,
these
are
the
best
oatmeal
cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe:
Which proves that I
never lie.
Rachel:
I guess
you don't.
Phoebe:
Paolo
made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks
stunned)
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Ross,
Chandler,
Joey,
and
Monica
admiring their new table.]
Chandler:
So, what do you
think?
Ross:
I think It's
the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The
camera
pans
back
to
reveal
Joey
and
Chandler's
new
foosball table.)
Monica:
So how does this
work, you going to balance the plates
on these little guys' heads?
Joey:
Who cares, we'll eat
at the sink! Come on, let's play!
Monica:
Heads up Ross!
(Monica scores on Chandler and Joey)
Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Rachel
is
recovering
from
the
shock.]
Phoebe:
Are you okay?
Rachel:
I need some milk.
Phoebe:
Ok, I've got milk
(takes thermos from her bag and starts
to
pour
a
cup)
Here
you
go...
(Rachel
drinks
straight
from
thermos) Oh!(Rachel
finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel:
No...
oh
, I feel so stupid!
Oh, I think about the other day
with
you guys and I was all
me feel
so...
Phoebe:
I'm so
embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel:
Pheebs,
if
I
had
never
met
him
this
never
would
have
happened!
Rachel
and
Phoebe:
I'm
so
sorry!
No
I'm
sorry!
No
I'm
sorry!
No I'm
sorry!
Phoebe:
No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Rachel:
I don't
know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe:
Such a pig!
Rachel:
Oh, God, he's such a
pig,
Phoebe:
Oh
he's like a...
Rachel:
He's
like a big disgusting...
Phoebe:
...like a...
Rachel:
...pig...pig man!
Phoebe:
Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel:
(voice
wavers) Oh, but he was
my
pig
man...how did I
not see
this?
Phoebe:
(raises hand)
Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because...
he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and
when he looks at you...
Rachel:
Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Phoebe:
The end.
Rachel:
Oh, God...
Phoebe:
Should I not have
told you?
Rachel:
No, no,
trust, me, it's, it's, it's
much better
that I know.
Uh, I just liked it better
before it was better...
(Phoebe scoots
her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Phoebe
is
telling
everyone
how
it
went across the hall as the foosball
game continues.]
Phoebe:
I
think
she
took
it
pretty
well.
You
know
Paolo's
over
there right now, so...
Monica:
We
should
get
over
there
and
see
if
she's
okay.
(switching
places
with
Ross)
Just
one...second!
Score!
(Monica
scores,
high-fives
with
Ross)
Game!
Come
on.
(Monica
and
Phoebe leave)
Ross:
(wiping his brow)
Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked
your butts.
Joey:
No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the
Olympic
standing-there team.
Ross:
Come on, two on one.
Chandler:
What are you still
doing here? She just broke up with
the
guy, it's time for you to swoop in!
Ross:
What, now?
Joey:
Yes,
now
is
when
you
swoop!
You
gotta
make
sure
that
when Paolo walks out of
there, the first guy Rachel sees is you,
She's gotta know that you're everything
he's not! You're like, like
the anti-
Paolo!
Chandler:
My
Catholic
friend
is
right.
She's
distraught.
You're
there for her. You
pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the
age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look
off into the distance. Joey,
wondering
what they are looking at, looks in the same
direction)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's
Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's
clothes over the side.]
Paolo:
No, that's cold,
that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside
the apartment.]
Ross:
(entering) How's it going?
Monica:
Don't stare. Now she
just finished throwing his clothes
off
the
balcony,
now
there's
just
a
lot
of
gesturing
and
arm-waving, (shows
Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her
chest),
Ok,
that
is
either,
could
you?
or,
breasts!
Phoebe: Ooh!
(Paolo enters.
Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
Paolo:
Uh, I am, uh, to say
good-bye.
Phoebe:
Oh, ok
bye-bye.
Monica:
Paolo,
I
really
hate
you
for
what
you
did
to
Rachel,
(hands
him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so
heat it at
375 until the cheese
bubbles.
Paolo:
Grazie.
Ross:
Paolo,
I-I
just
want
to
tell
you
and
I
think
I
speak
for
everyone when I say... (shuts door in
his face and walks away)
Phoebe:
Oh, just look at
her... (girls move toward Rachel on the
balcony)
Ross:
Oh
you guys, I-I really think just one of us should
go out
there so she's not
overwhelmed...
Monica:
Oh,
you're right.
Ross:
(pulls
Monica back) ...and I really think it should be
me.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just
climbed through the window.]
Ross:
Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross:
You all right?
Rachel:
Ooh, I've been
better...
Ross:
Come here.
(he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much
better than him...you know, I mean,
you, you, you should be with
a guy who
knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel:
Oh, Ross...
Ross:
What?
Rachel:
I am so sick of
guys. I don't want to look at another guy,
I don't want to think about another
guy, I don't even want to be
near
another guy. (Ross crosses arms)
Ross:
Huh.
Rachel:
Oh Ross, you're so
great!
Ross:
Ohhhh (Hugs her
and sighs)
[Cut to inside the
apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
Monica:
Ooh...hey honey, are
you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe:
You ok?
Rachel:
...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross:
See,
Rach,
uh,
see,
I
don't
think
that
swearing
off
guys
altogether is the
answer. I really don't. I think that what you need
is to develop a more sophisticated
screening process.
Rachel:
No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you
know? I
just got to figure out what I
want
Ross:
Uh, no, no, see,
because not...not all guys are going to be a
Paolo.
《
Friends
》第一季
35
点点英语：专业致力于四六级、考研、口译口语
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Rachel:
No, I know, I know,
and I'm sure
your little boy is not
going to grow up to be one.
Ross:
(astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross:
I-I'm, I'm having a
boy?
Rachel:
Uh...no. No,
no, in fact, you're not having a boy.
Ross:
Wha-I'm
having,
I'm
having
a
boy!
(babbling)
Huh,
am
I
having a
boy?
Girls:
Yes,
you're
having
a
boy!
(Monica
runs
over
and
hugs
Ross)
Ross:
I'm
having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey:
Wha-
Joey
and Chandler: What is it?
Ross:
I'm having a boy!
I-I'm having a boy!
Joey:
Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey
and
Chandler:
We
already knew that! (they hug)
Ross:
I'm having a son.
Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing
Chandle and
Joey at foosball.]
Monica:
Yes
! And that would be a
shut-down!
Joey and
Chandler:
Shut-out!! (They
both start heading for their
rooms.)
Monica:
Where are you guys
going? Come on, one more game!
Joey:
Uh, it's 2:30 in the
morning!
Chandler:
Yeah, get
out!
Monica:
You
guys
are
always
hanging
out
in
my
apartment!
Come
on,
I'll
only
use
my
left
hand,
huh?
Come
on,
wussies!
(Joey
and
Chandler
pick
her
up)
All
right,
ok,
I
gotta
go.
I'm
going,
(they throw her out) and I'm gone.
Chandler:
(to Joey) One more
game?
Joey:
Oh yeah!
End
113 The One
With the Boobies
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts
raiding
the
fridge.
Then
Rachel
comes
out
of
the
shower
with
a
towel
wrapped
round
her
waist,
drying
herself
with
another
towel.
Chandler
and
Rachel
startle
each
other
and
she
drops
the
towel
for a second and snatches the rug off
the couch.]
Rachel:
That is
IT! You just barge in here, you don't knock
Chandler:
I'm sorry!
Rachel:
You have no respect
for anybody's privacy!
Chandler:
Rachel, wait,
wait.
Rachel:
No, you wait!
This is ridiculous!
Chandler:
Can I just say one
thing?
Rachel:
What? What?!
Chandler:
That's
a
relatively
open
weave
and
I
can
still
see
your... nipular areas.
Rachel: Oh!!
(She storms
off)
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend
Roger,
talking to Rachel and Monica.]
Phoebe:
Oh, honey, honey,
tell them the story about your patient
who thinks things are, like, other
things. Y'know? Like, the phone
rings
and she takes a shower.
Roger:
That's pretty much
it.
Phoebe: Oops!
Roger:
But you tell it
really well, sweetie.
Phoebe:
Thanks. Okay, now go
away so we can talk about you.
Roger:
Okay. I'll miss you.
Phoebe:
Isn't he great?
Rachel:
He's so cute! And he
seems to like you so much.
Phoebe:
I know, I know. So
sweet... and so complicated. And for
a
shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?
Monica:
So, you think you'll
do it on his couch?
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
don't
know,
I
don't
know.
I
think
that's
a
little
weird, y'know? Vinyl.
Rachel:
Okaaay.
(To
the
guys,
on
the
couch)
Any
of
you
guys
want anything else?
Chandler:
Oh, yes, could I
have one of those. (Points)
Rachel:
No, I'm sorry, we're
all out of those. Anybody else?
Chandler: Okay.
Roger:
Did I, uh, did I miss
something?
Chandler:
No,
she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
Ross:
You what? Wh what were
you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler:
It
was
an
accident.
Not
like
I
was
across
the
street
with a telescope and
a box of donuts.
Rachel:
Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
Phoebe:
Yeah,
'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are
her breasts.
Rachel:
Okay, Pheebs, I was
hoping for more of a change.
Chandler:
Y'know,
I
don't
know
why
you're
so
embarrassed,
they were very
nice boobies.
Rachel:
Nice?
They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens
are nice.
Chandler:
Okaaay, (Gestures)
rock, hard place, me.
Roger:
You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't
wanna be
there when when the laughter
stops.
Chandler:
Whoah
whoah,
back
up
there,
Sparky.
What'd
you
mean
by that?
Roger:
Oh, just
seems as though that maybe
you have
intimacy
issues.
Y'know,
that
you
use
your
humour
as
a
way
of
keeping
people at a
distance.
Chandler: Huh.
Roger:
I
mean
hey!
I
just
met
you,
I
don't
know
you
from
Adam.
...Only
child,
right?
Parents
divorced
before
you
hit
puberty.
Chandler:
Uhhuh, how did you
know that?
Roger:
It's
textbook.
(Joey enters with his dad)
Joey:
Hey you guys. Hey, you
all know my dad, right?
All:
Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
Monica:
Hey, how long are you in the city?
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Just
for
a
coupla
days.
I
got
a
job
midtown.
I
figure I'm better off
staying with the kid than hauling my ass back
and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I
don't know this one.
Phoebe:
Oh, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani:
Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.
Roger:
You too, sir.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
(To
Phoebe)
What
happened
to
the,
uh,
puppet
guy?
Joey:
Dad, dad. (Shakes his
head)
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Oh,
'scuse
me.
So
Ross,
uh,
how's
the
wife?
(Ross
whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder)
Off there
too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick,
say something funny!
(Chandler stays
stonefaced)
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Gotta
go.
I
miss
you
too,
I
love
you,
but
it's
getting
real late now
Joey:
(Snatches
the
phone)
Hey
Ma.
Listen,
I
made
the
appointment with Dr.
Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did
you know this isn't Ma?
(His
dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping
mushrooms)
Mr. Tribbiani:
Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
Joey:
Sure. So
how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)
Mr. Tribbiani:
Remember when
you were a little kid, I used to
take
you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
Joey:
Since then?!
Mr. Tribbiani:
No, it's only
been six years. I just wanted to put a
nice
memory
in
your
head
so
you'd
know
that
I
wasn't
always
such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever
been in love?
Joey:
...I
d'know.
Mr. Tribbiani:
Then
y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
Joey:
You're one to talk.
(Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Joe,
your
dad's
in
love
big
time.
And
the
worst
part of it is, it's with two different
women.
Joey:
Oh man. Please
tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Of
course,
course
one
of
'em's
Ma.
What's
the
matter with you.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone
about
hid dad's affair.]
Joey:
It's like if you woke
up one day and found out your dad was
《
Friends
》第一季
36
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