老友记第一季第四集剧本

104 The One With George Stephanopoulos

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]

Monica:

Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe:

Okay,

okay.

If I

were

omnipotent for

a

day,

I would want,

um, world

peace,

no

more

hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

Ross:

Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler:

Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel:

See, there's always one guy. (Mocking)

(Joey enters.)

All:

Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica:

Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey:

Probably kill myself!

Monica:

..Excuse me?

Joey:

Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!

Ross:

Joey, uh-

OM

nipotent.

Joey:

You

are

? Ross, I'm sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica:

How does she do that?

Ross:

I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica:

Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe:

(waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.

Ross:

It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.

Monica:

What's going on with you?

Phoebe:

I got no sleep last night!

Ross:

Why?

Phoebe:

My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh,

and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time.

You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica:

Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe:

Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter.

Joey is counting his steps.)

Joey:

...Ninety- five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our

place to here.

Chandler:

You got waaaay too much free time.

Joey:

(to

Ross)

Hey!

Here's

the

birthday

boy!

Ross,

check

it

out:

hockey

tickets,

Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.

Chandler:

Happy birthday, pal!

Joey:

We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross:

Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey:

So?

Ross:

So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a

date?

Chandler:

Well, aren't we Mr.

Ross:

Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?

Monica:

Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.

Ross:

Ohhh.

Joey:

What's wrong with the twentieth?

Chandler:

Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

Ross:

Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.)

Sex. ..You

know what,

I-I'd

better

pass

on

the

game.

I

think I'm

just

gonna

go

home

and

think

about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey:

The hell with hockey, let's all do that!

Chandler:

(trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon,

whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross:

What are you doing?

Chandler:

(stops) I have no idea.

Joey:

C'mon, Ross!

Ross:

Alright,

alright,

maybe

it'll

take

my

mind

off

it.

Do

you

promise to

buy

me

a

big

thumb

finger?

Chandler:

You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel:

Look- look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi,

me!

Phoebe:

I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines,

and eight people were killed.

Monica:

Wow, you worked in a mine?

Phoebe:

I worked in a

Dairy Queen

, why?

Rachel:

God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it

was

totally

—

(opens

envelope)

—

not

worth

it.

Who's FICA?

Why's

he

getting

all

my

money?

I

mean, what- Chandler, look at that.

Chandler:

(looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey:

Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross:

You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica:

Yeah, yeah.

Ross:

Oh, by the way,

great

service tonight.

All:

Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys:

Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and

Joanne.

The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie:

(looking around) Rachel?

Rachel:

Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.

Monica:

(to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on

Wild Kingdom

.

Rachel:

What are you guys doing here?

Kiki:

Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!

Joanne:

Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.

Rachel:

(to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!

Leslie:

I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

Rachel:

(to Joanne) So what's going on with you?

Joanne:

Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all

scream again.)

Kiki:

And

while

we're

on

the

subject

of

news..

(She

holds

up

here

finger

to

show

off

her

engagement ring and they all scream again.)

Phoebe:

(to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler:

...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey:

Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring

into a shop window.)

Chandler:

We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

Ross:

Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh-

she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.

Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)

Joey:

What?

Ross:

Peach pit.

Chandler:

Yes, Bunny?

Ross:

(points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

Joey:

-Peaches?

Ross:

Actually, nectarines, but basically...

Chandler:

(to Joey) Could've been a peach.

Ross:

Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points)

-the bus stop... I'm fine.

Joey:

Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we

were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel:

So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

Kiki:

Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne:

Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.

Rachel:

Okay.

Joanne:

When are you coming home?

Rachel:

What? Guys, I'm not.

Joanne:

C'mon, this is us.

Rachel:

I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-

Kiki:

Waitressing?

Rachel:

Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and,

uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets

me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie:

Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene:

Monica

and

Rachel's,

Phoebe

and

Monica

are

in

pajamas

and

Monica

is

making

something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica:

Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would

you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel:

What's that?

Monica:

Weeeell, it's rum, and-

Rachel:

Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

Monica:

We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party

thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got

Twister

... (The phone rings

and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe:

Ooh! Ooh! And I brought

Operation

! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate.

But we can prep the guy!

Monica:

Uh, Rach, it's the

Visa

card people.

Rachel:

Oh, God, ask them what they want.

Monica:

(on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on.

(To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel:

But I haven't used my card in weeks!

Monica:

That

is

the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.

Rachel:

They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well,

let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting

promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds

like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?

Monica:

(pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?

Rachel:

Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play

Twister

!

[Scene:

Madison Square Garden

, the guys are trying to find their seats.]

Ross:

(squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

Chandler:

What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry

Pittsburgh fans?

Ross:

No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention

it, there

was

ice there that night... It was the first frost...

Joey:

C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica:

You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel:

Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe:

You are just like Jack.

Rachel:

...Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe:

No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica:

Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe:

Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he

woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And

he lived in a village, and you live in

the

Village..

Rachel:

Okay,

but Pheebs,

Pheebs, Jack

gave

up

a

cow,

I

gave

up

an

orthodontist.

Okay, I-I-I

know, I know I didn't love him-

Phoebe:

Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel:

But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just

kinda like...

Phoebe:

Floopy?

Rachel:

Yeah.

Monica:

So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going.