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To Win at Marriage,
Learn to lose
赢得美满婚姻
,
要学会认输
（
1
）
1]Having
been
married
for
more
than
40
years,
I
can
attest
to
『证明；证实』
the
truth
of
the
following statement: to
excel
『突出；
胜过他人』
in
the art of domestic
『
家庭的；
家事的』
argument,
one
must master the art of losing.
[1]
做为一个结婚
40
余年的人，我可以证明下面这个
说法完全正确：想要在家庭争执中得满
分，首先要掌握认输的艺术。
[2]Modern psychologists are taken
with the “win
-
win” solution.
But in marriage, success resides
『属于；
归于』
more in
“lose
-
lose” solutions. Out o
f
『
由于
（原因，
动机）
』
these, both parties
can
win. For in the love configuration,
losing gives a gift that always returns.
[2]
现代心理学家们都醉心于“一赢再赢”的解决办法，而在婚姻里头，成功往往
在于采取
“一输再输”的策略。因为这样，双方都可以是赢家。在爱情的天地里，认输实
际上永远是
一份有回报的礼物。
[3]One day shortly after my wife and I
were married, we set
about
『着手；开始做』
picking new
living-room wallpaper from a book of
samples. My taste and hers were at
odds
『不一致』
.
[3]
婚后不久的一天，我和妻子着手从一本样品手册中挑选起居室的壁纸。我们的爱好有了
矛盾。
[4]“I like this
one,” she said.
“
That looks like a section
of a diseased liver.”
“
How can you say that? This
is a classical pattern that goes all the way back
to
the Venetian.”
“
The Venetian were blind.
They named blinds after them, remember? I like
this one.”
“
I
wouldn’t hang that in hell if I were the
devil.”
[4]“
我喜欢这一
张。
”
“这张简直就像一块有病的猪肝。
”
“你怎么能这样说？这可是一幅古典的古威尼斯风格的图案。
”
“威尼斯人都瞎眼了，后来的瞎子也都是因威尼斯人得名，记
得吗？我喜欢这一张。
”
“我死也不会挂那一张的。
”
[5]As
the
argument
went
on,
my
wife
suddenly
slammed
the
book
shut.
“There
are
over
two
hundred
samples in this book,” she declared. “I say we
spend our energy finding one that suits us
both, instead of bickering over the
ones we don’t like.”
[5]
在争吵中，我妻子突然用力把书一合，大声说：
“这本书中有
200
张样品，我们应该把精
力用在找到一张我们
都喜欢的样品，而不是用来争吵那些我们不喜欢的。
”
[6]And
that’s
how
we
settled
it.
Eventually
we
found
a
pattern
we
both
liked.
The
“wallpaper
book” became our symbol for settling
the myriad
『无数的；
大量的』
issues that arise in marriage.
“Well,” she’d say when we couldn’t
agree on furniture or a place to vacation, “there
are plenty of
samples in the wallpaper
book.”
[6]
我们就这样解决
了争执。最后我们终于找到了一个我们共同喜欢的图案。壁纸样品手册
成了我们解决婚姻
中遇到的无数争执的一个象征。
当我们在要什么家具或去什么地方休假的
意见不一时，我的妻子就说：
“在壁纸样品手册里有的是样品呢！
”
[7]The
issues t
hat people argue over most in
marriage, such as how to spend money, often aren’t
the real ones. The key issue is: who is
going to be in control? When I was younger, my
need to
control
arose
out
of
fear,
a
lack
of
trust,
insecurity.
The
day
I
finally
realiz
ed
I
didn’t
need
to
control my
wife
—that, indeed, I ought not control
her, that I couldn’t control her, and that if I
tried
to, I would destroy our
marriage
—
was the day our
marriage began.
1