-
1
、
Good
use of cry
哭的妙用
The parents with their
three-year-old son went to see film.
When they walked into the
cinema, the attendant said to them,
“
you’ll have to go out if
your son cries. But we’ll refund
you the tickets.” About
half an hour later,
the husband
asked his wife,
“What do you think of the film?”
“
I’ve never seen
such a boring film.” His wife answered.
“
It’s not worth
seeing.”
“
I don’t think much of it,
either.” The husband said.
“
Wake the child up and let
him cry.”
一对夫
妇带着他们
3
岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时,服务员对他们说
:
“如果你们的儿子
哭了,你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退
票的。
”大约半个小时以后,丈夫对妻子说:
“你
觉得这电影怎么样?”
“我从没看过这么没劲的电影。
”妻子回答说,
“真不值得看。
”
“
我也
不喜欢看。
”丈夫说:
“叫醒孩子
,让他哭。
”
2
、
What a Smart
Wife
家有笨妻
A newly married woman was
sitting on a chair,
looking vexed, when her husband came
home.
the
husband asked. The woman replied,
burned a hole in your
trousers.
the wife responded.
有一个刚结婚的太太,坐在椅子那边,看起来很懊恼,她先生
回家看到她这个样子,就
问:
‘嗨,你怎么啦?为什么看起来这
么懊恼呢?’太太说:
‘很抱歉,你那件新做的西装裤
被我烫坏
了,
烫成一个洞了。
’
他先生说:
p>
‘啊!
那个没关系啦!
我还有另外一件一样
的裤子。
’
她说:
< br>‘是啊,还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。
’
3
、
Endearing terms
英语幽默故事
:
可爱的称呼
Bernie
was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his
wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie
looked at
Morris and remarked,
and you keep calling your wife those
pet names.
truth, I forgot her name
three years ago.
Bernie
应邀来到他的朋友
Morris
家吃晚餐。在朋友
家,
Bernie
发现,不管问他老婆什么问
< br>题,
Morris
总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称
呼,象蜜糖,我的爱人,亲爱的,甜心等
等。
Bernie
p>
对
Morris
说,
“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的,结婚这么多年了,你还叫她叫得那么亲
密。
”
Morris
低下头,小声地对
Bernie
说,
“老实跟你说吧,三年前我忘记老婆的真
名是什
么了。
”
4
、
Are
you a normal person
?你是正常人吗?
During
a
visit
to
the
mental
asylum,
a
visitor
asked
the
director ...,
is
the
criterion
that
defines a patient to be
institutionalized?
offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to
empty the bathtub.
understand,
spoon
or
the
teacup.
answered
the
director.
normal
person
would
pull
the
plug.
参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长,
“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被
关进精神病院呢?”
“呃?
?”院长说,<
/p>
“是这样,我们先给一个浴缸放满水,然后我们
给病人一个调茶匙
,一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。
”
“噢,我明白了”
,
参
观者说。
“一个正常人会选择水桶,
因为水桶比茶匙,茶杯的体积大。
”
“错了”
,
“院长回
< br>答”
“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”
。
5
、英文幽默老虎来了
Two
guys
were
walking
through
the
jungle.
All
of
a
sudden,
a
tiger
appears
from
a
distance,
running towards them.
One of the guys takes out a pair of
with a surprised look and exclaims,
His friend replies:
两个男人正在穿过丛林,突然,一只老虎出现在远处,向他们
冲来。
其中的一个人从包里拿出一
双“耐克”鞋,开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说,
“你以为
穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗?”
他的朋友回答道:
“我不用跑得过它,我只要跑得比你快就行了。
”
6
、
Another 40
Years to live
再活
40
年
A middle aged
woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the
operating
table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.
God said,
have another 43 years, 2
months, and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a face lift,
lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even
had someone come in and change
her hair color, figuring since she had so much
more time to live,
she might as well
make the most of it. She got out of the hospital
after the last operation and while
crossing the street was killed by an
ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in
front of God,
she
demanded,
thought
you
said
I
had
another
40
Years?
replied,
didn't
recognize
you.
一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院,
在手术台上,濒临死亡之际,
她看到了上帝,
于
是,她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。
上帝回答说,
“还没有,你还能活
43
年,
2
个月零
8
p>
天。
”
身体快要
康复的时候,这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年,
得好好对待自己,于是决
定先不出院,而是去给自己整整容,
吸吸脂,
隆隆胸
,然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些
美容美体手术。
她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。
做完最后一个手术,这位女
士出院了,
但就在过马路的时候,她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。
< br>
再一
次,她又站到了上帝的
面前,她大惑不解地问上帝,
“我记得你说我还能再活
40
p>
年?”
上
帝回答
,
“那个时候我没认出你来”
。
一、
Before the
final examination, Tom told his mother,
passed today's exam.
turns
out
to
be
the
opposite.
Mother
replied.
I
do
hope
I'll
fail
the
other
subjects
in
my
dream tonight,
在期末考试之前,汤姆告诉他的
母亲:
“妈妈,我昨天晚上做了一
个梦,
梦见我通过了今天的考试。
”
“不要相信梦,
亲爱的。
据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。
”
妈妈答道。
“那么,我真希望在今晚的梦中,我的其他功课都不及格。<
/p>
”汤姆说。
二、
caught breaking this rule
will be fined $$20 the first time. Anybody caught
breaking this rule the
2nd
time
will
be
fined
$$60.
Being
caught
a
3rd
time
will
incur
a
fine
of
$$180.
Are
there
any
questions?
At
this
moment,
a
male
student
in
the
crowd
inquires,
much
for
a
season pass
?
女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入,男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。
不论是谁,
一旦违规,
初犯将被罚款
20
美元。
再犯要被罚款
60
美元。
第
3
次被抓需要交
180
美元的罚
款。还有什么疑问么?
这时人群中一个男同学问道,
那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱?
三、
Where
the
Declaration
of
Independence
was
signed?
Teach
er
:
“
Who
knows
where
the
Declaration of In dependence was
signed?
”
Student<
/p>
:
“
I
know
,
I the bottom of the pa
ge.
”
《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的?老师:
“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的?”学生:
“我知
道,我知道。是在那页纸的底部。
”
四、
should be given the present,
“
Who is the most obedient,
never talks back to mother and does
everything he or she is
told?
”
he
inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of
voices:
“
You
play
with it, Daddy!
”
一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里,把孩子们召集来问这
件礼物应该给谁。<
/p>
“谁最听话,从不和妈妈顶嘴,让干什么就干什么?”他问道。大家都不
< br>吭声。过了一会儿,孩子们异口同声地说:
“爸爸,您玩儿吧。
< br>”
五、
night,
husband
deep
feeling
of
say
to
the
wife:
of,
I
love
you,
I
swear
hereafter
can't
certainly
do
a
sorry
your
business,
if
I
do,
certainly
encountering
for
a
day,
the
thunderclap splits, don't die a natural
death!
cuckoldry
matter.
On
the
first,
the
husband
goes
out
by
boat,
being
the
ship
drove
up
to
ocean
middle, suddenly strong breeze your
work, seeing the ship will sink right away, at
this time, the
husband towards the sky
to scold a way loudly
sorry cuckoldry
matter, you let I a person die like, why
harm
want to die.
all
dry
day
long
what,
I
very
not
easy
to
wait
until
today
just
chase
your
se
people
concentrated
together!
新婚之夜,丈夫深情的对妻子说:
“亲爱的,我爱你,我发誓以后一
定不会做出对不起你的事,要是我做了,定遭天打雷劈,不得好死!
”可
是新婚不久,丈夫
就作出了对不起妻子的事。
一日,
丈夫乘船外出,
当船驶到大海中间
时
,
突
然狂
风
大
作,眼看船
马上就
要沉
没了
,这时,
丈
夫大
声对着天空
骂道“
老天
,你是不是瞎
了眼了,
我做了对不起妻
子的事,
你让我一个人去死就好了
,
为什么害
这么多无辜的人也
要死啊。
”
这时,只听见半空中传来一声低沉的声音:
“你以为我整天都干什么啊
,我好不
容易等到今天才把你们这些人集中在一起来的!
”
p>
六、
in front of the class and
said,
After
a
minute
or
so
of
silence,
a
young
man
stood
up.
good
morning.
So,
you
actually
think you're a
moron?
standing there all by yourself.
p>
一天,一位大学心理学教授向他的新生们问候。他站在学生们
的面前
说:
“如果哪位同学认为自己傻,就请站起来。
”
大约过了一分钟,一位年轻人站了
起来。教授说:
“嗨,你好。你真的认为自己是个低能儿么?”
这个孩子回答道:
“不是的,
先生,我只是不忍心看
着只有你自己站在这里。
”
七、
glass
Father
entered
the
son's
room,
praise,
way:
well
done,
son! The window
and
clean and bright, you are using soap
water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehamme
r.
父亲走
进儿子的房间,夸奖道:干得好,儿子!窗户又干净
又明亮,你是用肥皂水擦的吗?
儿子:
没有,爸爸,我用的是锤子。
八、
顺便说
一个:你可以对你的
MM
说我要测测你的英语反应能力,伸出左
手,对她说:
“我点拇指是
A
,食指是
C
,中指是
M
,无名指是
S,
小指是
X
”
,然后说,为了增加难度,
我会用中文干扰你。然
后,你指中指说鱼,她会说
m
,你指无名指说驴,她会说
S
,然后在
指拇指说猪,她会说
A,
然后一直点拇指说猪,她会一直说:
A,A,A
,A,A,A,
如果
MM
聪明,
可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。
九、
问:
2
6
个字母去掉
e
和
t
还剩几个字母?
答:
24
个呀
问:错!
!
!
答:
为什么呀?
问:
21
个,因为
ET
是坐
UFO
走的
十、
,
so I
took the liberty of borrowing an outfit
from my younger
,
more
fashionable sister
,
who was
staying
with us atthe time. We had
agreed not to borrow from one another without
asking
,
but she was
asleep
,
so I
slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer
silently
,
planning to put
them back
before she woke my surprise
.she was awake when I got back, but she didn't
mention the
clothes.
We
chatted
about
Jason's
introduction
to
kindergarten.
Finally
,
she
smiled
and
asked
coolly
,
在陪儿
子上幼儿园的第一天,我想
打
扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣,她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我
们住在一起。我
们有
约在先,不经过对方的同意不能拿
别人的东西。但那时她仍
在睡觉。于
是,我从她
的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣,
本想趁她没
醒来时再放回去。
让我吃惊的是,
当我
送儿子去幼儿园回来后,
妹妹已经醒了。
但她没说衣服的事儿。
我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿
园做自我介绍的情况。最后,妹妹笑
着并不动声色地问
:
“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉
?
”
十一、
Boy:
don't know your name.
男:我想给你打
电话。你的电话号
码是多少?女:在电话本上呢。男:可是我不知道你的名字呀。女:也
在电话本上呢。
十二、
One summer
evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother
was tucking her small boy
into was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor2) in his voice
,
“
Mommy
,
will you sleep
with me tonight ?
”
The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug.
“
I can' t
,
dear.
”
She
said.
“
I have to sleep in
Daddy's room.
”
Along silence
was broken at last by his shaky
little
voice
:
“
The
big
sissy4).
”一个夏季的晚上,雷雨大作,母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。
她正准备熄灯,孩子声音颤
抖地问:
“妈咪,你今晚可以陪我睡吗
?
”母亲笑着,拥抱一下小
孩安慰说,
“亲爱的,不可以。我得
睡在爸爸的房间。
”一阵长长的沉默之后,男孩小声地用
颤音说
:
“大胆小鬼。
”
十三、
Two twins went to the
kindergarten.
“
Who's the
elder and who's the younger
one?
”
asked
a nurse. One of them winked and
said
,
“
Elder
brother
,
don't tell her.
”两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。
“你们两个谁大谁小
?
”保育员问。其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说,
“哥哥,不要告诉她。
”
十四、
Doctor
:
I can do
nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.
Patient
:
then send the bill
to
my father
,
plea
se.
医生:对你的抱怨我无能为力。
。病人:那请你把账单给
我父亲吧。
十五、
was against the office
rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their
own time. While Miles was at
the
barber's one day, the manager of the office came
in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat
just beside
him.
time.
said
the
manager
at
once.
of
it
grows
in
your
own
time.
sir,
that's
quite
true.
Answered Miles
politely,
麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理
发,但
这是违反办公室规定的:职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天,正当麦尔斯理发时,
经理
碰巧也进来理发,而且就坐在他旁边。
“你好,麦尔斯,
”经理
说。
“我看到你在上班时
间理发了。
”
“是的,先生。正是这样。
”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生,你
看,头发是在上
班时间长的。
“不全都是吧,
< br>”经理立刻说,
“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。
”<
/p>
“对呀,先
生,你说得很对。
”麦尔斯礼
貌地回答说,
“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。
”
十六、
The
life
line
in
your
hand
tells
that
you
will
die
in
a
year.
Customer:
Good
gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but
I can't say in which.
手相大师:你手上的生命线显示出你
p>
还有一年将会死去。顾客:天哪,一年后?手相大师:是的,可是我不能说是哪一年。
十七、
如果你不答应嫁给我,他发誓,我就要去死。六十年后,他死了。
十八、
I had opened my mouth,
they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would
be much worse.
警察:
有人抢你的手表时,
p>
你为什么不呼救呢?男子:
要是我张口的话,
他们就会发现我的四颗金
牙,那就更糟了。
< br>
十九、
nose
and
his
mother
asked,
happened?
kid
bit
me,
replied
Ivan.
you
recognize him if you saw him again?
他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。
他妈妈问,
“发
生了什么事?”
“一个
男孩咬了我一口,
”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈
问。
“他
走到哪里我都能认出他,
”伊
凡说。
“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。
”
二十、
are
you
late
for
school
every
morning?
Tom:Every
time
I
come
to
the
corner,a sign says,
老师
:
为什么你每天早晨都迟到
?
汤姆
:
每当我经过学校的
拐角处
p>
,
就看见一个牌子上写着学校
----
p>
慢行。
二十一、
有个人刚学了点英语,就喜
欢卖弄两下。有一天他去商店想买一支钢笔,对营业
员说:
“给
我一个
pen
”
营业员拿了个盆给他,
他说:
“
no
”营业员说:
“漏?哪有漏?新
进的货”
二十二、
有次房东问我
did u eat anyting yet?
我说
no.(
没吃
)
她听后重复了一遍
so u didn't eat
anyting.
我说
yes...
(
吃了
)
房东老太太犹豫了下,
又问
did u
eat ?
我说
no.(
没吃
)
她接着说
so u
didn't eat .
我说
yes
......(
吃了
)
估计她当时要崩溃了
二十三、
was
rush
hour
and
I
was
dashing
to
a
train
in
New
York
City's
Grand
Central
Terminal - As I neared the gate, a
plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind,
lost her
footing on the smooth marble
floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried
her close to my
shoes.
Before
I
could
help
her,
however,
she
had
scrambled
up.
Gaining
her
composure,
she
winked at me and said,
上下班高峰
期
,
我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一
趟火车
.
接近门口
,
< br>一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来
,
没想到在平滑的大理
石地面上失了脚
,
仰面滑倒了
.
她的惯性使她接近了我的脚
.
我正准备扶
p>
她
,
她却自己爬了起来
.
她镇定了一下
,
对我挤了一下眉
,
说道:
“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚
下
吗
?
”
p>
二十四、
celebrating her 98th
birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he
bent down and gave her a
kiss for the
occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be
celebrating a birthday in few days
and
asked
for
a
kiss
in
he
left,
my
mother
shook
her
head
in
disgust.
you
imagine,
医生按期来探视我的老母。我告
诉他母亲不几天就要庆祝她
98
岁的生日了。医生听了也很高兴,为此,他弯下腰来亲了她
一下。
然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日,并要求她还他一个吻。
医生走后,
我母亲厌
恶地摇摇头。
“你能想象吗,
”她说,
“付了他
70
元,我还得亲他!
”
p>
二十五、
一周七天英语怎么说——星期一
【
忙
day
】
;
星期二
【求死
day
】
;
星期三
< br>
【未
死
day
】
;
星期四
【受死
day
】
;
星期五【福来
day
】
;
星期六
【洒脱
day
】
;
星期天【伤
day
】
。
二十六、
French nurse, when she
returned home from the party.
boy,
Freddy, and he's only two years old.
and
he is only two years old.
curly hair.
“你给孩子们洗澡的时候他
们规矩不规矩?”
一位女士从宴会回家后对一名法国护士询问道。
“除了那个最大的男孩,
其他表现都很好。
在我把他
放到水里之前,
他又闹又踹。
”
护士回
答道。
“哪个最大的男孩?
我们只有
一个男孩,弗雷德,他只有两岁。
”
“不是小弗雷德,我是说那个戴着眼镜卷头发
的大男孩。
”
p>
“老天,那不是我的孩子,那是我丈夫。
”
二十七、
Now, children, said she, has
anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please,
teacher, said a
small
boy,
I've
made
someone
glad
done.
Who
was
that?My
boy.
Now tell us
how you made your grand mother , teacher, I went
to see her yesterday,
and stayed with
her three hours. Then I said to her,
‘
Granny, I'm going
home,
’
and she
said,
‘
Well, I'm glad
’
!一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在,孩子们,<
/p>
她说:你们当中有谁让别人高兴过?我,老师,一个小男孩说:昨天我就使别人高兴过。做
得好,是谁
呢?我奶奶。好孩子,现在
告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的,
老师。我昨天去看她,
在她那儿呆了三个小
时。然后我跟她说:
‘奶奶,我要
<
/p>
回家了。
’
她说:
‘啊
,我很高兴!
’
二十八、
says,
is
absent,
Professor.
Let
Kate
speak
for
p>
herself.
粗心的教授大声地喊道:
“凯特,到黑板前面来!
”另外一个学生说:
“教授,凯特没来
。
”
“别出声,让凯特自己讲。
”
p>
二十九、
but
before
he
could
ask
about
the
bandage,
the
clerk
said
he
had
some
very
good
news
for
him.
what,
sir?
the
clerk
said.
finally
sold
that
terrible,
ugly
suit
we've
had
so
long!
you
mean
that
repulsive
pink-and-blue
double-*ed
thing?
the
manager
asked.
monstrosity!
That
had
to
be
the
ugliest
suit
we've
ever
had!
But
tell
is
your
hand
bandaged?
服装<
/p>
店经
理吃完午餐回来,
< br>发现店员的手包上了绷带,没等他问,店员告诉他一个非常好的消
息。
“猜猜看
发生什么事了,经理
。
”店员说,
“我终于把那套一直
压在这儿的难看透顶
的西
装卖出去了!
”
“不是那件粉红带蓝条的双排扣套装吧!
那套衣服实在太可怕了!
< br>”
“就
是那件。
”
“太棒了!
”经理叫道
,
“我一直以为我们无法处理掉那件怪物了,那是我们有过
最难
看的西装。对了,你的手怎么上绷带了?”
“哦,
”店员说,
“当我把那件西装卖给客
人以后,他的
导盲犬扑上来咬了我一口。
”
三十、
bring me the winner then.
服务员,这个龙虾只有一只爪。对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。
哦
,那给我那个打赢的吧。
三十一、
one
of
her
students
making
faces
at
others
on
the
playground,
Ms
Smith
stopped to gently
reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
school teacher said,
when
I
was
a
child
I
was
told
if
I
made
ugly
faces,
my
face
would
freeze
and
stay
like
that
Bobby looked up and
replied,
史密斯小姐
发现她的一名学生在操场上向别
人做鬼脸,便去轻责他。
这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑
p>
着,说:
博比,我小的时候,有人告诉我如
果我做鬼脸,我的脸就会僵硬,永远都那么丑。
博比抬头看了看
老师,说:
史密斯小姐,你可别说没人警告过你啊。
三十二、
water and another worm in a
glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived,
while the one in the
whiskey
curled
up
and
died.
right,
son,
asked
the
father,
does
that
show
you?
一位父亲打算
让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对
比。清水里虫子安然无恙,结
果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。
所以,儿子啊,
父亲问道,
得出什么
结论?
恩,这说明,你只要喝酒的话,肚里就不会长虫了!
p>
三十三、
door, ripping it off
completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the lawyer was complaining
bitterly
about
the
damage
to
his
precious
BMW.
look
what
they've
done
to
my
Beeeemer!!!
he
whined.
lawyers
are
so
materialistic,
you
make
me
sick!!!
retorted
the
officer,
was
ripped
off!!!
《律师、
宝马和胳膊》一个律师打开他的宝马车门,突然一辆汽车驶过来
把门撞飞了,警察赶到现
场,律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。
“警察同志,看看他
们把我的车弄的
!!!
”律师哀怨地说。
“你们律师真是物质至上,我很不舒服
!
”警察反驳说,<
/p>
“你这么关心你可恶的宝马,你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。
”律师终于注意到了血
淋淋的左肩膀,
“天哪,我的劳力士手
表在哪儿
?
”
三十四、
The
Multi-Purpose
Fly
Swatter
(Originally
in
English)
A
mother
came
home
from
shopping for tea, and
saw that some tea had already been made by her
15-year-old daughter. The
mother
then
asked
the
daughter,
you
use
the
tea
strainer?
Because
in
England
they
use
chopped tea leaves to
make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to
strain out the tea leaves, and
then
drink only the liquid. And the daughter said,
couldn't find the tea strainer, so I
used the fly swatter.
you do that? You
shouldn't have done t
just an old one.
I
母亲购物回来,
想喝
点茶,
发现她
15
岁的女<
/p>
儿已
经泡好茶了,
< br>就问女儿:
‘你用滤茶器了吗?’因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶,
< br>
所以要用滤
茶器过滤出茶水来喝。女儿回答:
‘妈,我有过滤,
但因为找不到滤茶器,所以
就用苍蝇拍
来过滤。
’母亲听了就说:
‘噢!怎么搞的,你不能这样做啦!
’女儿回答:
‘妈,你不要紧
张,
我
只是
用那
支
旧的苍蝇拍,
没有用
新的
那支
!
&rsqu o;< /p>
三十五、
his
grandma,
his
friend
starts
eating
the
peanuts
on
the
coffee
table,
and
finishes
them
off.
As
they're
leaving, his friend says to his grandma,
lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off.
一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。
当他和
祖母聊天时,他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生,
并
把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时,
他的
朋友对祖母说
:
谢谢您的花生。
结果祖
母说
:
唉!自从我牙齿掉光后,我就只能吮掉花生
豆外层的巧克力了。
三十六、
water and another worm in a
glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived,
while the one in the
whiskey curled up
and died.
Dad, it shows that if you
drink alcohol, you will not have worms.
一位父亲打算让自己的儿子
知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两
只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。
清水里虫
子安然无
恙,结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。
所以,儿子啊,
父亲问道,
得
出什么结论?
恩,这说明,你只要喝酒
的话,肚里就不会长虫了!
三十七、
某生与老外相遇,
小碰撞了一下,
某生曰:
“
I
’
m sorry
!
”
老外:
“
I
’
m sorry
,
to
o
。
”
某生:
“
I
’
m sorry
,
three
”老外:
“
p>
What are you sorry for
?”某生:
“
I
’
m
sorry five
!
”
三十八、
Visitor
’
s Day,
most of the prisoners had family members and
friends coming, but poor George
always
sat alone in his cell. So one
Visitor
’
s Day, the warden
called George to his office and said,
you
’
ve
never had any
visitors,
George.
’
s
shoulder.
’
t you
have any friends or
family?
It
’
s just
that they
’
re all in here!
典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情,
因为每逢周末的探访日,
大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访,
但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的
囚室中。
因此在
一个探访日,典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说:
p>
“乔治,
我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。
”
他满
怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上:
“告诉我,你没有任何朋友或家人吗?”乔治回答:
“喔!
当
然有,典狱长,只不过他们全都在这里面!
”
< br>
三十九、
一个人想出国考察
,但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示,老总给了他一张
字条,上面写着:
“
Go
ahead
”
。
那人想:
“
Go ahead=
前进,老总是批准了。
”于是他开始打
点行李
。
一个同事见到了他问:
“你在做什
啊??”他说:
“我准备出国考察,老总批准了,
给我写了‘<
/p>
Go
ahead
’
。
”
同事一见条就乐了:
“咱们老总根本就没批准!
!咱老总的英语水
平你还不知道,他这是在说去个头!
”
四十、
to answer a ticket given her
for driving through a red light. She explained to
his honor that she was
a school teacher
and requested an immediate disposal of her case in
order that she might hasten on
to her
classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.
red light' five hundred time
s.
在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里,
一位年轻女士被带到法
官面
前,她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。
女士向法官解释,她是
一名学校老师,
请求法官马上处
理她的案子,以便可以赶回去上
课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠,说道:
“你是学校的老师,对
吗?
女士,我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下,写‘我开车闯了红灯’
500
遍。
”
四十一、
Grand
Central
Terminal
-
As
I
neared
the
gate, a
plump,
middle-aged
woman
sprinted
up
from
behind, lost her footing on the smooth
marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum
carried
her
close
to
my
shoes.
Before
I
could
help
her,
however,
she
had
scrambled
up.
Gaining
her
composure,
she
winked
at
me
and
said,
you
always
have
beautiful
women
failing
at
your
feet?
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口,
一位肥
胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,
没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,
仰面滑倒了。
她
的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她,
她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下,对我挤了一
下眉,说道:
“
总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”
四十二、
34
、
在一张纸上写上你的大名
再在第一个字上面写大写英文
M
左边
写
E,
下面
写
W
在最后一个字右边写
Q
下面写<
/p>
W,
最后把英文字母用线条连接起来把你的名字包围起
来
四十三、
that a bird had built its
nest in the tree outside the classroom.
didn't
see
the
bird,
ma'
am,
only
the
nest,
replied
the
child.
can
you
give
us
a
description of the
nest?
鸟
窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。
一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外树上垒了个
窝。
“是什么鸟呢?”
我姐姐问她。
p>
“我没看到鸟儿,
老师,
只看到鸟窝。
p>
”
那孩子回答说。
“那
么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦,老师,就像你的头发一
样。
”
四十四、
but
a
flea
can't
have
monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接
的想到它们俩是
一大一小。
但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以
长跳蚤,
而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答
案很有意思吧?
p>
四十五、
not go up the hill cutting
wood?
Sold into money can buy a donkey,
then along home door-to-door selling wood. Zheng
money will
buy trucks, and then buy
wood factory sells wooden ware, buy more trucks,
so that you can be
really
rich.
do well.
周而复始
老王在树下休息,老李走过来
对他说:
“嗨,为什么不去上山砍柴?”
老王说:
“砍柴干什么?”
老李说:
“好卖钱啊。
卖到钱就可以买驴,
p>
再沿家挨户卖柴。挣了钱就再
买卡车,然后买木厂卖木
器,再买更
多
的卡车,那样就可以发大财了。
”
老王问:
“发了财干什么?”
老李答:
“发了财就可以逍
遥自在地享清福嘛
。
”
老王说:
“那你以为我现在在干什么?”
四十六、
eat, another flew into a
rage.
first eat small.
俩个人一起吃饭,
只有两条
鱼,
一大一小。
一位先把大
的吃了,
另一位勃然大怒。
”
多不合适!
”
他抱怨说。
”
怎<
/p>
么了?”
另一位问。
< br>”你吃掉了那条大的,
如果我是你就不
会这样做。
”
”
你会怎
样呢?”
”我当然是
先吃小的。
”
”
< br>那好哇,你抱怨什么,那条小鱼不是还在那里吗!
”
p>
四十七、
Before
I
married
you,
I
never
thought
of
saving
:
And
now?Husband: Now I'm thinking About how
much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.
p>
丈
夫:在娶你进门之前,我从来没有想过要存钱。妻子
:
那现在呢
?
丈夫:现在我
在想,要是没
有娶你的话,我可以存多少钱。
< br>
四十八、
猪的英语拼写是<
/p>
PUG
吧?
--
不对,是
PIG
--
不是
吧,我怎么记得是
U
(
YOU
)呀
-
你弄错了,是
I
--
猪是
YOU
--
猪是
I
四十九、
一美女穿着胸前有
“
99
”字样的上衣,老外想称赞她,可又忘了中文
<
/p>
“
9
”怎么
说,
于是老外对小姐说:
“小姐,你的两个‘
nine
、
nine
’好漂亮啊!
”
五十、
unless it's because you have
the plate he usually eats from.
客人:
“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老
是看着我吃东西呢?”旅馆主人:
“我不敢想象,除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的盘
子了。
”
五十一、
”
Who was the
first
man?
”
“
George
Washington,
”
a little boy
shouted
promptly
.
“
How do
you make out that George Washington was the first
man
?”
asked the
teacher
,
smiling i
ndulgently
.
“
Becau
se,
”
said the
little boy,
“
he was first in
war, first in peace,
and first in the
hearts of his
countrymen.
”
But at this
point a larger boy held up his hand.
“
p>
Well,
”
said the
teacher to him,
“
who do you
think was the first
man?
”
“
I
don
’
t know what his name
was,
”
said the
larger boy,
“
but I know it
wasn
’
t George Washington,
ma
’
am, because the history
book says George Washington married a
widow, so, of course, there must have been a man
ahead
of
him.
”一个老
师问她的学生:
“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说:
“乔治
.
华盛顿。
”老师带着宠溺
的笑容问这个男生:
“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人
呢。
”这个男孩子说:
“因为,他是第一个挑起战争,第一个
主张和平,并且是第一个深得民
心的人。
”
这时,
有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来,老师问他,
“你
认为谁是世界第一个男
人?”
男孩回答说:
“我不知道他的名字,
但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿,因为历史书上说,
乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了,所以在他之前,当然还有一个男的啦。
”<
/p>
五十二、
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't
even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But
you are standing on my foot!
牙医:请不要再叫了,我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊!
病人:但
是,亲,你可知道,你踩到我脚了!
!
!
五十三、
hand in your pocket? Absent-
minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine.
教授:
天哪!
有人
偷了我的钱包!
妻子:你难道没感觉到一只手伸进你的口袋?
教授:感觉到了,可我还以
为那是我的手呢?
五十四、
university
graduate
engineering
course.
I
say
'Good
afternoon,'
the
undergraduates
respond 'Good
afternoon.' But the graduate students just write
it down.
一个教师在研究生工
程学课堂上说:
我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生,哪些是研究
生。
我说
'
下午好
'
的时候,本科生回答
'
下午好
'
,而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。
五十五、
刚上班不久,有个公司的
A/R
打电话来催支票,我循例问了一下他是哪间公司
打来的,那男的很有礼
貌的说:
“
Thisis xxx calling from
Beach Brother.
听懂了很开心,不
过由于对公司
名字还不熟,心想先用笔记下来公司名,省得等下忘记了,正得意忘形之间,
顺嘴开始拼
写人家公司的名字,还说得一本正
经:
correct?
??那男的
终于还
是没能忍住怒火,
近似于怒吼似的对我喊道:
< br>接
下来的一年里,没再跟这间公司又过任何生意往来
..
....
汗
五十六、
night, as the husband was
about to turn off the light, his bride asked,
bugged?
was
a
long
time
ago,
sweet-
heart,
he
reassured
her.
what
if
there's
a
microphone
somewhere?
I'd
be
so
embarrassed.
So
the
groom
searched
under
the
tables
and
behind the pictures. Then he turned
back the rug. Sure enoush, there was a funny-
looking gizmo in
the floor. He took out
the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed
into bed. The next morning
the
newly
weds
were
awakened
by
a
hotel
clerk
who
wanted
to
know
if
they
slept
well.
did,
replied
the
groom.
do
you
ask?
rather
unusual.
T
cle
rk
answered,
有一对正在华盛顿度蜜月的新婚夫妇
,
他们来到水门旅馆登记住宿。到了晚上,丈夫刚要
熄灯,新娘子问道:
“你觉得房间里会不会装有窃听器?”
“亲爱的,那都是多少年前的事
了。
”
丈夫劝她打消这种念头。
“然而假如真的藏着传声器,
那该怎么办呢?叫人多难堪啊!
”
因此,
新郎搜查
< br>
了
一圈
,
从桌
子底下和挂
画后面
的墙壁
。
最
后,
他
翻开
了地
毯。
不出所
料,
地板
上有个外表奇特的小东西。
他拧下螺丝,拆掉零件,
之后就上床睡觉了。
第二天早上
,
这对新人被旅馆的工作人员的敲门声惊醒。
工作人员问他们晚上睡得怎么样。
“很好啊,
”新郎回答到,
< br>“为什么你要问这个问题呢?”
“这太奇怪了,
”工作
人员说道,
“昨天夜里,你们楼下那对夫妇被枝型吊灯砸了。
”
五十七、
and swallowed it. She
immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down
and hit him on the
back, whereupon he
coughed up two dimes.
Frantically, she
called to the father outside.
son
just
swallowed
a
nickel
and
coughed
up
two
dimes!What
shall
I
do?
back
the
< br>father,
母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去,
她
立刻将他抱起,
头朝下不停地拍打他的后背,<
/p>
他咳出了两枚一角的硬币,
她发狂似的朝正在
外面的孩子父亲喊道:
“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币,可咳出两枚一角的硬币!
我该怎
么办呢?”孩子他爸大声回答道:
“再喂他几枚镍币!
”
五十八、
asked
her
little
daughter
who
was
reading
a
book.
are you
reading,
dear?
so you must know.
女儿在大声读书,妈妈问:
“亲爱的,你在读什么?”
“我不知道,
”小女孩回答说。
“你
不知道?你不是在朗读吗,你应该知道的,
”妈妈说。
女儿解释说,
“
我在朗读,可我没有
在听啊
!
”
五十九、
在地铁里,一位男子发现扒手正在掏他的钱包
,便幽默地说:
“老兄,你来晚了!我今天
< br>虽然领了薪水,但我太太下手比你快多了!
”
六十、
like to give you go through
hell. On Saturday as it does not rain, I'll come.
小伙子在给女朋友的
信中写到:
“爱你
爱得如此之深,
以至愿为你赴汤蹈火。星期六如不下雨,我一
定来。
六十一、
at seven
o
’
clock.
汤姆是一位老人,他喜欢在晚饭后到大街上散步,在
7
点回来睡觉。
But tonight, a car stopped at his
house. A policeman helps him get out. He tells
Tom
’
s wife,
“
The
old man
couldn
’
t find his way in the
street. He asked me to take him in the
car.
”
但是,今
天晚上一辆小汽车停在他家门前,
汤姆在一位警察的
帮助下走下汽车。
警察告诉汤姆的妻子:
“这位老人在街上迷路
了,
他让我用汽车送他回来。
”
After the policeman leaves
there, his
wife asks,
“
Tom, you go to the street
every night. But tonight you
can
’
t find the way,
w
’
s
the
matter?
”
警察走后:
“汤姆,
你每天都到那条街上散步,
但是今天你迷路了,
你怎
< br>么
了
?
”
The old man smiles like a
child and s
“
I
couldn
’
t
fi
’
t want
to walk
home.
”这位老人像孩子般的笑道:
“我迷路了
?
我是不想走路回家。
”
六十二、
the man complained to his
friend.
she explained to me for half an
hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我
妻子打交道是多么的难,
”<
/p>
一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说,
“她问我一个问题,
然后自己回答了,
过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。
六十三、
shoplifter
|was
caught
red-handed
trying
to
steal
a
watch
from
a
jewelry
store.
the watch, and we forget
about this?
looked at the slip and said,
一个小偷在一家珠宝
店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。<
/p>
“听着,
”小偷说,
“我知道你们也不想
惹麻烦。我
把这只表买下,
然后我们就当什么也没发生,
你看怎样?”经理表示同意,
然后列了一张售
货单。小偷看着单子说道:
“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点,你们还有没有便宜一点儿
东
西。
”
六十四、
上英语课,
英语老师来到讲台,
面对全班学生,
露出一丝温和的笑
容:
“
goodmorning
,
p>
boysandgirls
!
”
全班同学起立,小明也跟着站了起来,只是,当别人正在用英语向老师问
好的时候,
他却对同桌小胖说道:
“我
终于知道英语老师为什么没男朋友了。
”
“为什么?”
同桌小胖忍不住问道。
看到别人都开始坐下,
唐金也坐了下来,然后对张小胖说道:<
/p>
“你没
听到苏老师刚才说什么吗?”
<
/p>
张小胖却有些纳闷:
“苏老师刚才好像没说什么吧?”
“小
胖,你的耳朵也不太好啊!
”小明有些同情的看着小胖,
“你没听到英语老师说吗?她说,
姑
娘摸你,
勃一次俺得割二次,
你不觉得英语老师对她男朋友要求太高了吗?让一个美女去摸
人家,
< br>还不许人家有反应,有反应就要阉他两次,
这谁敢做她男朋友啊?”
小胖目瞪口呆,
人才啊,这货真他妈人才啊,长这
么大,他第一次听到这么解释这句英语的。
六十五、
into the den.
talking clock,
gong an ear
shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly,
someone screamed from the other side
of
the wall,
一个学生带他朋友们参观
他的新公寓,甚
是得意。
“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?”
他的一个朋友问他。
“那玩
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