-
101 The One Where Monica Gets a New
Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey,
Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Monica:
There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work
with!
Joey: Come on, you're going out
with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong
with him!
Chandler:
All
right
Joey,
be
nice.
So
does
he
have
a
hump
?
A
hump
and
a
hairpiece
?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat
chalk
?
(They all
stare,
bemused
.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her
to
go through
what I went
through with Carl-
oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is
not even a date. It's just two people going
out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler:
Alright
,
so
I'm
back
in
high
school,
I'm
standing
in
the
middle
of
the
cafeteria
, and I realize I
am totally
naked
.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I
realize there's a phone... there.
Joey:
Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler:
All of a sudden
, the phone
starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do,
everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't
looking at you before?!
Chandler:
Finally, I
figure
I'd better
answer it, and it
turns out
it's my mother, which
is very-very
weird
, because- she never
calls me!
[
Time
Lapse
, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (
mortified
)
Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna
kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay,
sweetie
?
Ross: I
just feel like someone reached down my throat,
grabbed
my small
intestine
,
pulled
it out of my mouth and tied it around my
neck........
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others)
Carol moved her stuff out today.
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross)
Let me get you some coffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to
pluck
at the air just in
front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no
don't! Stop
cleansing
my
aura
! No, just leave my aura
alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine!
Be
murky
!
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really,
everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross:
No I don't,
to hell with
her, she left me!
Joey: And you never
knew she was a
lesbian
...
Ross:
No!!
Okay?!
Why
does
everyone
keep
fixating
on
that?
She
didn't
know,
how should
I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I
was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I
say that
out loud?
Ross: I
told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take
it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so
that
hysterical
phone call I
got from a woman at
sobbing
3:00
A.M.,
never
have
grandchildren,
I'll
never
have
grandchildren.
was
what?
A
wrong
number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey:
Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain
right now. You're angry. You're
hurting. Can I tell you what the answer
is?
(Ross
gestures
his
consent
.)
Joey:
Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
hormones
!
Ross: I
don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I
just wanna be married again!
(Rachel
enters in a wet
wedding
dress
and starts to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million
dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh
God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your
building and you weren't
there and then
this guy with a big
hammer
said you might be here and you are, you
are!
Waitress: Can I get you
some coffee?
Monica:
(pointing
at
Rachel)
De-caff.
(to
All)
Okay,
everybody,
this
is
Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor. (to
Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and
Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my
brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi,
sure!
Ross: Hi.
(They go to
hug
but Ross's
umbrella
opens.
He sits back down defeated again.
A
moment of silence follows
as Rachel sits and the others expect her to
explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us
now, or are we waiting for four wet
bridesmaids
?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started
about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the
room where we were keeping all the
presents, and I was looking at this
gravy
boat.
This
really
gorgeous
Lamauge
gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress
that brought her coffee) Sweet 'n' Lo?-
I realized that I was more turned on by this
gravy boat than by Barry! And then I
got really
freaked out
, and
that's when it hit
me:
how
much
Barry
looks
like
Mr.
Potato
Head.
Y'know,
I
mean,
I
always
knew
looked familiar, but...
Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I
started wondering
'Why am I doing this,
and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So
anyway I just
didn't know where to go,
and I know that you and I have kinda
drifted apart
, but
you're the only person I knew who lived
here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't
invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I
was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
[Scene: Monica's Apartment,
everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on
TV
and are trying to
figure
out
what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought
her the big
pipe organ
, and
she's really
not happy about it.
Chandler:
(
imitating
the characters)
Tuna
or egg salad?
Decide!
Ross: (in a deep
voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I
can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him.
Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show
two women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe:
If I
let
go of
my hair, my head will
fall off
.
Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not
be wearing those pants.
Joey: I say push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and
Joey:
Push her down the
stairs! Push her down the
stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and
everyone cheers.)
Rachel:
C'mon
Daddy,
listen
to
me!
It's
like,
it's
like,
all
of
my
life,
everyone
has
always told me, 'You're
a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe,
you're a shoe!'. And
today I
just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be
a shoe? What if I wanna be
a- a
purse
, y'know? Or a- or a
hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a
hat, I'm
saying I am a ha- It's a
metaphor
, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have
trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my
life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I
guess we've established who's staying here with
Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my
decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money.
Wait!!
Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a
paper bag.]
Monica:
Just
breathe,
breathe..
that's
it.
Just
try
to
think
of
nice
calm
things...
Phoebe:
(sings)
Raindrops
on
roses
and
rabbits
and
kittens,
(Rachel
and
Monica
turn
to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-
something with mittens... La la la
la...something and noodles with string.
These are a few...
Rachel:
I'm all better now.
Phoebe:
(
grins
and walks to the
kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica:
Okay,
look,
this
is
probably
for
the
best
,
y'know?
Independence.
Taking
control of your life.
The
whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting
her) And hey, you need anything, you can always
come to Joey.
Me and Chandler live
across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's
her wedding day!
Joey: What, like
there's a rule or something?
(The door
buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again,
it's a
horrible
sound.
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,
it's Paul.
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?
Buzz him in
!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul
the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe.
Joey: Wait. Your 'not a
real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Ooh,
this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica:
Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel:
Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica:
(to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want
me to stay?
Ross: (choked
voice) That'd be good...
Monica:
(horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal
voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe:
What
does
that
mean?
Does
he
sell
it,
drink
it,
or
just
complain
a
lot?
(Chandler doesn't
know.)
(There's a knock on the door and
it's Paul.)
Monica:
Hi,
come
in!
Paul,
this
is..
(They
are
all
lined
up
next
to
the
door.)...
everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch
your name. Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay,
umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just
gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross: A
wandering
?
Monica: Change!
Okay, sit
down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four
eyelashes
. That can't be
good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey:
Hey, Paul!
Paul: Yeah?
Joey: Here's a
little
tip
, she really likes
it when you
rub
her neck in
the same
spot
over and
over and over
again
until it starts to get a little
red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're
you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to
be headed for Aruba
on my
honeymoon
, so
nothing!
Ross:
Right,
you're
not
even
getting
your
honeymoon,
God..
No,
no,
although,
Aruba,
this
time
of
year...
talk
about
your-
(thinks)
-big
lizards
...
Anyway,
if
you
don't feel like being alone tonight,
Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me
put together my new furniture.
Chandler:
(
deadpan
) Yes, and we're
very excited about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I
think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.
It's
been kinda a long day.
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey
Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I
wish I could, but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The
Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as
summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art,
but
your
love
oh
your
love,
your
love...is
like
a
giant
pigeon...crapping
on
my
heart.
La-la-
la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to
that guy) Thank you.
(sings) La-la-la-
la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment,
the guys are there assembling furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and
reading
the
instructions)
I'm
supposed
to
attach
a
brackety
thing to the side things, using a bunch
of these little worm guys. I have no brackety
thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever
and- I cannot feel my legs.
(Joey and
Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase
here.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part)
What's this?
Chandler: I would have to
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking
and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey: Done
with the bookcase!
Chandler: All
finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can
and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She
always
drank it out of the can, I
should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-
hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're
outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't
spoil all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me
ask you a question. She got the furniture, the
stereo,
the good
TV- what
did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You
got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul
are eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an
idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she
started going to the dentist four and
five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth
get?
Monica: My brother's
going through that right now, he's such a mess.
How did you
get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally
breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul:
(laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the
watch.
Monica: You actually broke her
watch?
Wow!
The worst
thing I ever did was, I-I
shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul:
Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's
right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is
talking on the phone
and
pacing.]
Rachel: Barry, I'm
sorry... I am so
sorry... I
know you probably think that this is all
about what I said the other day about
you making love with your socks on, but it
isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I
ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi,
machine cut me off again...
anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is
going to be
incredibly lucky to become
Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.
And not
that I have any idea
who me is right now, but you just have to give me
a chance
too... (The maching cuts her
off again and she redials.)
[Scene:
Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and
Chandler are working on
some more
furniture.]
Ross: I'm divorced!
I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You
must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on
with a hammer and
it collapses.)
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Chandler:
Look,
Ross,
you
gotta
understand,
between
us
we
haven't
had
a
relationship that has lasted longer
than a Mento. You, however have had the love
of a woman for four years. Four years
of closeness and sharing at the end of which
she ripped your heart out, and that is
why we don't do it!
I don't think that
was my
point!
Ross:
You
know
what
the
scariest
part
is?
What
if
there's
only
one
woman
for
everybody,
y'know?
I
mean
what
if
you
get
one
woman-
and
that's
it?
Unfortunately in my case, there was
only one woman- for her...
Joey: What
are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like
saying there's only one