TED演讲整理--进行更好对话的十种方式

10 ways to have a better conversation

—

Celeste Headlee

进行更好对话的十种方式

All

right,

I

want

to

see

a

show

of

hands: how

many

of

you

have

unfriended

someone

on

Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

好的，

我想让大家举手示意一下，

有多少人曾经

在

Facebook

上拉黑过好友，

因为他们发表过

关于政治，宗教，

儿童权益，或者食物等

不恰当的言论？

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk

to them?

有多少人至少

有一个不想见的人，

因为你就是不想

和对方说话？

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice

of Henry Higgins in

change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

要知道，

在过去

想要一段礼貌的交谈，

我们只要遵循 亨利

·

希金斯

在

《窈窕淑女》

中的忠告：

只

谈论天气和你的健康状况就行了。

但这些年随着气候变化

以及反对疫苗运动的开展

——

are

not safe either. So

this

world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the

potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where

even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not

normal.

这招也不怎么管用了。

因此，在我们生活的这个世界，

这个每一次交谈

都有可能发展为争论的

世界，

政客无法彼此交谈，

甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的事情

都有人群情激昂地赞成或反对，

这太不

正常了。

Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are

more

polarized, we

are

more

divided, than

we

ever

have

been

in

history. We're

less

likely

to

compromise, which means we're not listening to each other.

皮尤研究中心对一万名

美国成年人做了一次调查，

发现此刻我们的偏激程度，

我们立场鲜明的

程度，

比历史上任何时期都要高。

我们更不倾向于妥协，

这意味着我们没有倾听彼此。

And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to

be, based on what we already believe.

我们做的各种决定，

选择生活在何处，

与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友，

都只基于我们已有的信念。

Again, that means we're not listening to each other.

再重复一遍，

这说明我们没有倾听彼此。

A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we

lost that balance.

交谈需要平衡讲述和倾听，

而不知怎么的，

我们却渐渐失掉了这种平衡。

Now, part of that is due to technology.

技术进步是部分原因。

The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them

really quickly.

比如智能手机，

现在就在你们手里，

或者就在旁边，随手就能拿到。

According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts

a day.

据皮尤的研究称，

大约三分之一的美国青少年

每天发送超过一百条短信。

And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to

them face to face.

而这中间很多人，几乎是所有人，

更倾向于给朋友发短信，

而不是面对面的交谈。

There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

《大西洋》杂志

登过一篇很棒的文章，

作者是高中教师

保罗

·

巴恩韦尔。

And he gave his kids a communication project.

He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.

他给自己的学生一项交流任务，

希望教会他们如何不借助笔记

针对某一话题发表演讲。

And he said this:

然后他说：

“

< br>我开始意识到

……”

to teach.

“

我开始意识到交流能力

可能是最被我们忽视的，

没有好好教授的技能。

Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they

have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

孩子每天花费数小时

通过屏幕接触创意和其他伙伴，

但很少有机会

去发掘自己的人际交往 技

能。

”

It

might

sound

like

a

funny

question,

but

we

have

to

ask

ourselves: Is

there

any

21st-century

skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?

这听起来很好笑，

但我们必须问问自己：

21

世纪，有什么技能

会比维持一段连贯、

自信的谈

话更为重要？

”

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten

teachers, heads of state, plumbers.

现在，

我的职业就是跟别人谈话。

诺贝尔奖获得者、

卡车司机、

亿万富翁、

幼儿园老师，

州长、

水管工。

I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.

我和我喜欢的人交谈，

也和我不喜欢的人交谈。

I

talk

to

some

people

that

I

disagree

with

deeply

on

a

personal

level. But

I

still

have

a

great

conversation with them.

我和在个人层面

非常不认同的人交谈。

但我仍旧和他们有很好的交流。

So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

所以我希望用接下来的

10

分钟

教你们如何谈话，

以及如何倾听。

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think

of

interesting

topics

to

discuss

in

advance, look,

nod

and

smile

to

show

that

you're

paying

attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

你们中间很多人已经听过无数建议，

比如看着对方的眼睛，

提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题，

注

视，点头并且微笑

来表明你的专注，

重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结。

So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

我想让你们忘掉所有这些，

全都没用。

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

根本没必要去学习

如何表现你很专心，

如果你确实很专心。

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.

我其实是把作为职业访谈者

一模一样的技巧

用在了日常生活中。

So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how

to be better conversationalists.

好，我要来教你们

如何采访他人，

这其实会帮助你们学习

如何成为更好的沟通者。

Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God,

without offending anybody.

学习开始一段交谈，

不浪费时间，不感到无聊，

以及，最重要的是，不冒犯任何人。

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like.

我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。

我们都曾有过。

我们知道那是什么感觉。

The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like

you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.

那种结束之后令你感到

很享受，很受鼓舞的交谈，

或者令你觉得你和别人

建立了真实的连

接，

或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。

There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.

没有理由说

你大部分人际互动

不能成为那样。

So I have 10 basic rules.

我有

10

条基本规则。

I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master

it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

我会一条条给你们解释，

但说真的，

如果你

选择一条并且熟练掌握，

你就已经可以享受

更愉快

的交谈了。

Number one: Don't multitask.

第一条：不要三心二意。

And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your

hand.

我不是说单纯放下你的手机、

平板电脑、车钥匙，

或者随便什么握在手里的东西。

I mean, be present.

Be in that moment.

我的意思是，处在当下。

进入那个情境中去。

Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to

have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be

half in it and half out of it.

不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。

不要想着你晚饭吃什么。

如果你想退出交谈，

就退出交谈。

但

不要身在曹营心在汉。

Number two: Don't pontificate.

第二条：不要好为人师。

If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback

or growth, write a blog.

如果你想要表达自己的看法，

又不想留下任何机会让人

回应、

争论、

反驳或阐发，

写博客去。

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really

boring.

有个很好的理由来说明

我的谈话里为 什么不允许有

“

专家说教

”

因为真的很无聊。

If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

如果对方是个保守派，

那一定讨厌奥巴马、食品券和堕胎。

If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

如果对方是个自由派，

那一定会讨厌

大银行、石油公司和迪 克

·

切尼。

Totally predictable.

完全可以预测的。