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Why 30 is not the new 20

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2021-02-10 09:13
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2021年2月10日发(作者:生理)


Why 30 is not the new 20
















































Meg Jay


About the Talk



Clinical psychologist Meg Jay has a bold message for twentysomethings:


Contrary to popular belief, your 20s are not a throwaway decade. In this


provocative talk, Jay says that just because marriage, work and kids are


happening later in life, doesn’t mean you can’t start planning now. She


gives 3 pieces of advice for how twentysomethings can re-claim


adulthood in the defining decade of their lives.



About the Speaker



In her book


twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most


transformative



and defining



period of our adult lives.



About the Transcript



When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a


Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old


woman named Alex. Now Alex walked into her first session wearing


jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office


and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy


problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an


arsonist for her first client. (Laughter) And I got a twentysomething who


wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle.



But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to


session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can


down the road.


could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later,


kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like


Alex and I had nothing but time.



But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love


life. I pushed back.



I said,


it's not like she's going to marry the guy.



And then my supervisor said,


Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one.



That's what psychologists call an


realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they


used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That


made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there


blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a


real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love


life but for the careers and the families and the futures of


twentysomethings everywhere.



There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.


We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you


consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through


their 20s first.



Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some


twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome. If you work with


twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over


twentysomethings, I want to see



Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings


really matter.



So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single


one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what


psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already


know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most


transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness,


maybe even for the world.



This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of


life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight


out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and


your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are


over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that


the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much


money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans


are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We


know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s


as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you


want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know


that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in


life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get


tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about


your body and your options.



So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five


years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a


time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who


you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing


as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult


development.



But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about


the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended


adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like



actually the defining decade of adulthood.



Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and


not quite enough time. Isn't that true? So what do you think happens


when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,


extra years to start your life


person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.



And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like


your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this:


know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count.


I'm just killing time.


started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine.


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