why the30 is not the new 20

When

I

was

in

my

20s,

I

saw

my

very

first

psychotherapy

client.

I

was

a

Ph.D.

student

in

clinical

psychology

at

Berkeley.

She

was

a

26-year-old

woman

named

Alex.

Now

Alex

walked into her first session wearing jeans and a

big

slouchy

top,

and

she

dropped

onto

the

couch

in

my

office

and

kicked

off

her flats

and

told

me

she

was

there

to

talk

about

guy

problems.

Now

when

I

heard

this,

I

was

so

relieved.

My

classmate

got

an

arsonist

for

her

first

client.

(Laughter)

And

I

got

a

twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

This I thought I could handle.

But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that

Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me

just

to

nod

my

head

while

we

kicked

the

can

down the road.

say,

and

as

far

as

I

could

tell,

she

was

right.

Work

happened

later,

marriage

happened

later,

kids happened later, even death happened later.

Twentysomethings

like

Alex

and

I

had

nothing

but time.

But

before

long,

my

supervisor

pushed

me

to

push Alex about her love life. I pushed back.

I said,

with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going

to marry the guy.

And then my supervisor said,

might marry the next one. Besides, the best time

to

work

on

Alex's

marriage

is

before

she

has

one.

That's

what

psychologists

call

an

moment.

That

was

the

moment

I

realized,

30

is

not

the

new

20.

Yes,

people

settle

down

later

than

they

used

to,

but

that

didn't

make

Alex's

20s

a

developmental

downtime.

That

made

Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we

were

sitting

there

blowing

it.

That

was

when

I

realized

that

this

sort

of

benign

neglect

was

a

real problem, and it had real consequences, not

just for Alex and her love life but for the careers

and

the

families

and

the

futures

of

twentysomethings everywhere.

There

are

50

million

twentysomethings

in

the

United

States

right

now.

We're

talking

about

15

percent of the population, or 100 percent if you

consider

that

no

one's

getting

through

adulthood without going through their 20s first.

Raise

your

hand

if

you're

in

your

20s.

I

really

want

to

see

some

twentysomethings

here.

Oh,

yay!

Y'all's

awesome.

If

you

work

with

twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

you're

losing

sleep

over

twentysomethings,

I

want

to

see

—

Okay.

Awesome,

twentysomethings really matter.

So

I

specialize

in

twentysomethings

because

I

believe that every single one of those 50 million

twentysomethings

deserves

to

know

what

psychologists,

sociologists,

neurologists

and

fertility

specialists

already

know:

that

claiming

your

20s

is

one

of

the

simplest,

yet

most

transformative,

things

you

can

do

for work,

for

love,

for

your

happiness,

maybe

even

for

the

world.

This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We

know

that

80

percent

of

life's

most

defining

moments take place by age 35. That means that

eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences

and

is

will

have

happened

by

your

mid-30s.

People

who

are

over

40,

don't

panic.

This

crowd

is

going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10

years of a career has an exponential impact on

how much money you're going to earn. We know

that more than half of Americans are married or

are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

We know that the brain caps off its second and

last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself

for

adulthood,

which

means

that

whatever

it

is

you

want

to

change

about

yourself,

now

is

the

time

to

change

it.

We

know

that

personality

changes more during your 20s than at any other

time

in

life,

and

we

know

that

female

fertility

peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age

35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

about your body and your options.

So when we think about child development, we

all

know

that

the

first

five

years

are

a

critical

period for language and attachment in the brain.

It's

a

time

when

your

ordinary,

day-to-day

life

has

an

inordinate

impact

on

who

you

will

become.

But

what

we

hear

less

about

is

that

there's such

a thing

as

adult development,

and

our

20s

are

that

critical

period

of

adult

development.

But

this

isn't

what

twentysomethings

are

hearing.

Newspapers

talk

about

the

changing

timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s

an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly

nicknames for twentysomethings like

and

It's

true.

As

a

culture,

we

have

trivialized what is actually the defining decade of

adulthood.

Leonard

Bernstein

said

that

to

achieve

great

things,

you

need

a

plan

and

not

quite

enough

time.

Isn't

that

true?

So

what

do

you

think

happens

when

you

pat

a

twentysomething

on

the head and you say,

to

start

your

life

Nothing

happens.

You

have

robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

and absolutely nothing happens.

And

then

every

day,

smart,

interesting

twentysomethings like you or like your sons and

daughters

come

into

my

office

and

say

things

like this:

but

this

relationship

doesn't

count.

I'm

just

xkilling

time.

Or

they

say,

says

as

long as I get started on a career by the time I'm

30, I'll be fine.

But then it starts to sound like this:

almost

over,

and

I

have

nothing

to

show

for

myself.

I

had

a

better

ré

sumé

the

day

after

I

graduated from college.

And then it starts to sound like this:

my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was

running

around

and

having

fun,

but

then

sometime around 30 it was like the music turned

off

and

everybody

started

sitting

down.

I

didn't

want

to

be

the

only

one

left

standing

up,

so

sometimes

I

think

I

married

my

husband

because he was the closest chair to me at 30.

Where

are

the

twentysomethings

here?

Do

not

do that.

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no

mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has

been

pushed

to

your

30s,

there

is

enormous

thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career,

pick

a

city,

partner

up,

and

have

two

or

three

kids

in

a

much

shorter

period

of

time.

Many

of

these

things

are

incompatible,

and

as

research

is just starting to show, simply harder and more

stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

The

post-millennial

midlife

crisis

isn't

buying

a

red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that

career

you

now

want.

It's

realizing

you

can't

have that child you now want, or you can't give

your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings

and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at

me, sitting across the room, and say about their

20s,

I

want

to

change

what

twentysomethings

are

doing and thinking.

Here's a story about how that can go. It's a story

about

a

woman

named

Emma.

At

25,

Emma

came

to

my

office

because

she

was,

in

her

words,

having

an

identity

crisis.

She

said

she

thought

she

might

like

to

work

in

art

or

entertainment,

but

she

hadn't

decided

yet,

so

she'd

spent

the

last

few

years

waiting

tables

instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a

boyfriend

who

displayed

his

temper

more

than

his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her

early life had been even harder. She often cried

in

our

sessions,

but

then

would

collect

herself

by

saying,

can't

pick

your

family,

but

you

can pick your friends.

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her

head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the

hour.

She'd

just

bought

a

new

address

book,

and she'd spent the morning filling in her many

contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that

empty blank that comes after the words

of

emergency,

please

call ... .

She

was

nearly

hysterical

when

she

looked

at

me

and

said,

wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have

cancer?

Now in that moment, it took

everything I had

not

to

say,

will.

But

what

Emma

needed

wasn't

some

therapist

who

really,

really

cared.

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was

her chance. I had learned too much since I first

worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's

defining decade went parading by.

So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma

three

things

that

every

twentysomething,

male

or female, deserves to hear.

First,

I

told

Emma

to

forget

about

having

an

identity crisis and get some identity

capital. By

get

identity

capital,

I

mean

do

something

that

adds value to who you are. Do something that's

an investment in who you might want to be next.

I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no

one knows the future of work, but I do know this:

Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is

the

time

for

that

cross- country

job,

that

internship,

that

startup

you

want

to

try.

I'm

not

discounting

twentysomething

exploration

here,

but

I

am

discounting

exploration

that's

not

supposed

to

count,

which,

by

the

way,

is

not

exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma

to explore work and make it count.

Second,

I

told

Emma

that

the

urban

tribe

is

overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides

to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle

together

with

like-minded

peers

limit

who

they

know, what they know, how they think, how they

speak, and where they work. That new piece of

capital,

that

new

person

to

date

almost

always

comes from outside the inner circle. New things

come

from

what

are

called

our

weak

ties,

our

friends

of

friends

of

friends.

So

yes,

half

of

twentysomethings

are

un-

or

under- employed.

But

half

aren't,

and

weak

ties

are

how

you

get

yourself

into

that

group.

Half

of

new

jobs

are

never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's

boss is how you get that un-posted job. It's not

cheating.

It's

the

science

of

how

information

spreads.

Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't

pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

Now this was true for her growing up, but as a

twentysomething,

soon

Emma

would

pick

her

family

when

she

partnered

with

someone

and

created a family of her own. I told Emma the time

to start picking your family is now. Now you may

be

thinking

that

30

is

actually

a

better

time

to

settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with

you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or

sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts

walking down the aisle is not progress. The best

time

to

work

on

your

marriage

is

before

you

have

one,

and

that

means

being

as

intentional

with

love

as

you

are

with

work.

Picking

your

family

is

about

consciously

choosing

who

and

what you want rather than just making it work or

killing

time

with

whoever

happens

to

be

choosing you.

So

what

happened

to

Emma?

Well,

we

went

through that address book, and she found an old

roommate's

cousin

who

worked

at

an

art

museum

in

another

state.

That weak

tie

helped

her

get

a

job

there.

That

job

offer

gave

her

the

reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five

years

later,

she's

a

special

events

planner

for

museums. She's married to a man she mindfully

chose. She loves her new career, she loves her

new

family,

and

she

sent

me

a

card

that

said,

big enough.

Now

Emma's

story

made

that

sound

easy,

but

that's

what

I

love

about

working

with

twentysomethings.

They

are

so

easy

to

help.

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving

LAX,

bound

for

somewhere

west.

Right

after

takeoff,

a

slight

change

in

course

is

the

difference

between

landing

in

Alaska

or

Fiji.

Likewise,

at

21

or

25

or

even

29,

one

good

conversation,

one

good

break,

one

good

TED

Talk, can have an enormous effect across years

and even generations to come.

So

here's

an

idea

worth

spreading

to

every

twentysomething

you

know.

It's

as

simple

as

what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have

the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like

Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20,

so

claim

your

adulthood,

get

some

identity

capital,

use

your

weak

ties,

pick

your

family.

Don't

be

defined

by

what

you

didn't

know

or

didn't

do.

You're

deciding

your

life

right

now.

Thank you.

二十多歲時

我見到我第一位心理治療病患

我當時

是柏克萊大學臨床心理學博士生

她是名叫

Alex

的

< br>26

歲女子

Alex

第一次前來會談時

穿著牛仔褲和寬

大上衣

她一屁股坐在我辦公室的沙發上

踢掉她的

平底鞋

告訴我她想談談她和男人的問題

聽見這句

話時，我感到如釋重負

因為我同學的第一位病人是

個縱火犯

（笑聲）

我的不過是想聊聊男人的年輕女

子

我以為我能搞定這件事

事實卻不然

聽著

Alex

在會談中所說的有趣故事

對

我來說十分輕鬆，只需點頭

避而不談真正的問題

「三十歲不就是 再活一次二十歲嘛」

Alex

說

就我當

時的想法，她說的沒錯

工作、結婚都是之後的事

孩