-
Monica:
There's nothing to tell!
He's just some guy I work with!
Joey:
C'mon, you're going
out with the guy! There's gotta be something
wrong with him!
Chandler:
All right Joey, be
nice.
So does he have a
hump? A
hump
and
a
hairpiece
?
Phoebe:
Wait, does he eat
chalk?
(They all stare,
bemused
.)
Phoebe:
Just,
'cause,
I
don't
want
her
to
go
through
what
I
went
through
with Carl
- oh!
Monica:
Okay, everybody
relax. This is not even a date. It's just two
people going out to dinner and- not
having sex.
Chandler:
Sounds
like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler:
Alright,
so
I'm
back
in
high
school,
I'm
standing
in
the
middle
of the
cafeteria
, and I realize I
am totally naked.
All:
Oh,
yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler:
Then I look down,
and I realize there's a phone... there.
Joey:
Instead of...?
Chandler:
That's right.
Joey:
Never had that dream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
All
of
a
sudden,
the
phone
starts
to
ring.
Now
I
don't
know
what
to do, everybody starts
looking at me.
Monica:
And
they weren't looking at you before?!
Chandler:
Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it,
and it
turns out it's
my mother, which is
very-very
weird
, because-
she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross
has entered.]
Ross:
(
mortified
) Hi.
Joey:
This guy says hello, I
wanna kill myself.
Monica:
Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross:
I just feel like
someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small
intestine
, pulled it out of
my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler:
Cookie?
Monica:
(explaining to the
others) Carol moved her
stuff
out today.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(to Ross)
Let me get you some coffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Oh!
(She
starts
to
pluck
at
the
air
just
in
front
of
Ross.)
Ross:
No,
no
don't!
Stop
cleansing
my
aura!
No,
just
leave
my
aura
alone,
okay?
Phoebe:
Fine! Be
murky
!
Ross:
I'll
be
fine,
alright?
Really,
everyone.
I
hope
she'll
be
very
happy.
Monica:
No you don't.
Ross:
No I don't,
to hell with her, she left me!
Joey:
And you never knew she
was a
lesbian
...
Ross:
No!!
Okay?!
Why
does
everyone
keep
fixating
on
that?
She
didn't
know,
how should I know?
Chandler:
Sometimes I wish I
was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.)
Did I say that out loud?
Ross:
I
told
mom
and
dad
last
night,
they
seemed
to
take
it
pretty
well
.
Monica:
Oh really, so that
hysterical
phone call I got
from
a woman at
sobbing
3:00 A.M.,
grandchildren.
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
Alright
Ross,
look.
You're
feeling
a
lot
of
pain
right
now.
You're
angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you
what the answer is?
(
Ross
gestures his
consent
.)
Joey:
Strip
joint
! C'mon, you're single! Have some
hormones
!
Ross:
I
don't
want
to
be
single,
okay?
I
just...
I
just-
I
just
wanna
be
married
again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding
dress and starts to search the room.)
Chandler:
And I just want a
million dollars! (He extends his hand
hopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?!
Rachel:
Oh
God
Monica
hi!
Thank
God!
I
just
went
to
your
building
and
you
weren't
there
and
then
this
guy
with
a
big
hammer
said
you
might
be
here
and you are, you are!
Waitress:
Can I get you some
coffee?
Monica:
(pointing at
Rachel)
De-caff
. (to All)
Okay, everybody, this is
Rachel,
another
Lincoln
High
survivor.
(to
Rachel)
This
is
everybody,
this
is Chandler, and
Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother
Ross?
Rachel:
Hi, sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(They
go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back
down defeated
again. A
moment
of
silence
follows
as
Rachel
sits
and
the
others
expect
her
to explain.)
Monica:
So you
wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet
bridesmaids
?
Rachel:
Oh
God...
well,
it
started
about
a
half
hour
before
the
wedding.
I
was
in
the
room
where
we
were
keeping
all
the
presents,
and
I
was
looking
at
this
gravy
boat.
This
really
gorgeous
Lamauge
gravy
boat.
When
all
of
a
sudden
- (to the waitress that brought
her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I
realized
that
I
was
more
turned
on
by
this
gravy
boat
than
by
Barry!
And
then
I
got
really
freaked
out
,
and
that's
when
it
hit
me
:
how
much
Barry
looks
like
Mr.
Potato
Head
.
Y'know,
I
mean,
I
always
knew
looked
familiar,
but... Anyway, I just had to get out of
there, and I started wondering
'Why
am
I
doing
this,
and
who
am
I
doing
this
for?'.
(to
Monica)
So
anyway
I
just
didn't
know
where
to
go,
and
I
know
that
you
and
I
have
kinda
drifted
apart
, but you're the only
person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica:
Who wasn't invited
to the wedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,
I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
issue
... [Scene:
Monica's
Apartment, everyone is there and watching a
Spanish Soap on TV
and are trying to
figure out what is going on.]
Monica:
Now
I'm
guessing
that
he
bought
her
the
big
pipe
organ
,
and
she's
really not happy about
it.
Chandler:
(
imitating
the characters)
Tuna
or egg salad? Decide!
Ross:
(in a deep voice) I'll
have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel:
(on
phone)
Daddy,
I
just...
I
can't
marry
him!
I'm
sorry.
I
just
don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The
scene
on
TV
has
changed
to
show
two
women,
one
is
holding
her
hair.)
Phoebe:
If
I
let
go
of
my
hair,
my
head
will
fall
off.
Chandler:
(re
TV)
Ooh,
she
should
not
be
wearing
those
pants.
Joey:
I
say
push
her
down
the
stairs.
Phoebe,
Ross,
Chandler,
and
Joey:
Push
her
down
the
stairs!
Push
her
down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and
everyone cheers.)
Rachel:
C'mon
Daddy,
listen
to
me!
It's
like,
it's
like,
all
of
my
life,
everyone
has
always
told
me,
'You're
a
shoe!
You're
a
shoe,
you're
a
shoe,
you're a shoe!'. And
today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't
wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a-
a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat!
No,
I'm
not
saying
I
want
you
to
buy
me
a
hat,
I'm
saying
I
am
a
ha-
It's
a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross:
You can see where he'd
have trouble.
Rachel:
Look
Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay
here with
Monica.
Monica:
Well,
I
guess
we've
established
who's
staying
here
with
Monica...
Rachel:
Well,
maybe
that's
my
decision.
Well,
maybe
I
don't
need
your
money.
Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a
paper bag.]
Monica:
Just
breathe,
breathe..
that's
it.
Just
try
to
think
of
nice
calm
things...
Phoebe:
(sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
kittens,
(Rachel and Monica turn to
look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-
something with mittens... La la la
la...
something and noodles with
string. These are a few...
Rachel:
I'm all better now.
Phoebe:
(grins and walks to
the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.)
I helped!
Monica:
Okay,
look,
this
is
probably
for
the
best,
y'know?
Independence.
Taking control
of your life.
The whole, 'hat'
thing.
Joey:
(comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you
can always come
to Joey. Me and
Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a
lot.
Monica:
Joey, stop
hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey:
What, like there's a
rule or something?
(The door buzzer
sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler:
Please don't do
that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul:
(over the intercom)
It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica:
Oh God, is it 6:30?
Buzz
him in!
Joey:
Who's Paul?
Ross:
Paul the Wine Guy,
Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.
Joey:
Wait. Your 'not a real
date' tonight is with Paul
the Wine
Guy?
Ross:
He finally asked
you out?
Monica:
Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh, this is a
Dear Diary moment.
Monica:
Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel:
Please, no, go,
that'd be fine!
Monica:
(to
Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to
stay?
Ross:
(choked voice)
That'd be good...
Monica:
(horrified) Really?
Ross:
(normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe:
What
does
that
mean?
Does
he
sell
it,
drink
it,
or
just
complain
a
lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's
Paul.)
Monica:
Hi, come in!
Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the
door.)... everybody, everybody, this is
Paul.
All:
Hey! Paul! Hi!
The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler:
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica:
Okay,
umm-umm,
I'll
just--I'll
be
right
back,
I
just
gotta
go
ah,
go ah...
Ross:
A
wandering?
Monica:
Change! Okay, sit
down.
(Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh, I just pulled
out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey:
Hey, Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here's a little tip,
she really likes it when you rub her neck in
the
same
spot
over
and
over
and
over
again
until
it
starts
to
get
a
little
red.
Monica:
(yelling from the
bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Ross:
So Rachel, what're
you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel:
Well,
I
was
kinda
supposed
to
be
headed
for
Aruba
on
my
honeymoon,
so nothing!
Ross:
Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon,
God.. No, no,
although, Aruba, this
time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel
like being alone tonight, Joey and
Chandler are coming over to help me put
together my new furniture.
Chandler:
(deadpan) Yes, and
we're very excited about it.
Rachel:
Well actually
thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here
tonight.
It's been kinda a
long day.
Ross:
Okay, sure.
Joey:
Hey
Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe:
Oh, I wish I could,
but I don't want to.
Commercial
Break
[Scene: The Subway,
Phoebe is singing for change.]
Phoebe:
(singing)
Love
is
sweet
as
summer
showers,
love
is
a
wondrous
work
of art, but your love oh your love,
your love...is like a giant
pigeon...crapping
on
my
heart. La-la-la-la-la-
(some
guy
gives
her
some
change
and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-
la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross's
Apartment, the guys are there assembling
furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to
attach a
brackety
thing
to
the
side
things,
using
a
bunch
of
these
little
worm
guys.
I
have
no
brackety
thing,
I
see
no
whim
guys
whatsoever
and-
I
cannot
feel
my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are finishing
assembling the bookcase.)
Joey:
I'm thinking we've got
a bookcase here.
Chandler:
It's a beautiful
thing.
Joey:
(picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Chandler:
I would have to
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey:
Which goes
where?
Chandler:
I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross
is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey:
Done with the
bookcase!
Chandler:
All
finished!
Ross:
(clutching
a
beer
can
and
sniffing)
This
was
Carol's
favorite
beer.
She always drank it out of the can, I
should have known.
Joey:
Hey-hey-hey-hey,
if
you're
gonna
start
with
that
stuff
we're
outta
here.
Chandler:
Yes, please don't
spoil all this fun.
Joey:
Ross,
let
me
ask
you
a
question.
She
got
the
furniture,
the
stereo,
the good TV- what
did you get?
Ross:
You guys.
Chandler:
Oh, God.
Joey:
You got screwed.
Chandler:
Oh my
God!
[Scene: A Restaurant,
Monica and Paul are eating.]
Monica:
Oh my God!
Paul:
I
know,
I
know,
I'm
such
an
idiot.
I
guess
I should
have
caught
on
when
she
started
going
to
the
dentist
four
and
five
times
a
week.
I
mean,
how clean
can teeth get?
Monica:
My
brother's
going
through
that
right
now,
he's
such
a
mess.
How
did you
get through it?
Paul:
Well,
you
might
try
accidentally
breaking
something
valuable
of
hers,
say her-
Monica:
-leg?
Paul:
(laughing)
That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Monica:
You actually broke
her watch?
Wow! The worst thing I
ever did
was, I-I shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul:
Ooh, steer clear of
you.
Monica:
That's right.
[Scene: Monica's
Apartment, Rachel is talking on
the
phone and pacing.]
Rachel:
Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you
probably think
that this is all about
what I said the other day about you making love
with your socks on, but it isn't... it
isn't, it's about me, and I ju-
(She
stops
talking
and
dials
the
phone.)
Hi,
machine cut
me
off
again...
anyway...
look,
look,
I
know
that
some
girl
is
going
to
be
incredibly
lucky
to
become
Mrs.
Barry
Finkel,
but it
isn't
me,
it's
not
me. And
not
that
I
have
any
idea
who
me
is
right
now,
but
you
just
have
to
give
me
a
chance
too... (The maching
cuts her off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is
pacing while Joey and Chandler are
working on some more furniture.]
Ross:
I'm divorced! I'm
only 26 and I'm divorced!
Joey:
Shut up!
Chandler:
You
must
stop!
(Chandler
hits
what
he
is
working
on
with
a
hammer
and it
collapses.)
Ross:
That only took me an hour.
Chandler:
Look, Ross, you
gotta understand, between us we haven't had a
relationship
that
has
lasted
longer
than
a
Mento.
You
,
however
have
had
the
love
of
a
woman
for
four
years. Four
years
of
closeness
and
sharing
at the end of which
she ripped your heart out, and that is why we
don't
do it! I don't think that was my
point!
Ross:
You
know
what
the
scariest
part
is?
What
if
there's
only
one
woman
for everybody, y'know?
I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it?
Unfortunately in my case, there was
only one woman- for her...
Joey:
What
are
you
talking
about?
'One
woman'?
That's
like
saying
there's
only one flavor of
ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross.
There's
lots
of
flavors
out
there.
There's
Rocky
Road,
and
Cookie
Dough,
and
Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with
Jimmies, or nuts, or
whipped
cream!
This
is
the
best
thing
that
ever
happened
to
you!
You
got