生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E10

Series 4 Episode 10

–

The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon:

Clarify

something

for

me.

Isn’t

the

point

of

a

communal

meal

the

exchange

of

ideas

and

opinions?

An

opportunity to consider important issues of the day?

Leonard

: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their

mouth will be put to death.

Sheldon

: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a

new topic of conversation.

Leonard

: Great.

Sheldon

: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

Raj

: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?

Sheldon

: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.

Leonard

: No.

Howard

: Uh-uh.

Raj

: We’re good.

Sheldon

: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying,

hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

Leonard

: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.

Sheldon

: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero- zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is

one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.

Raj

:

Just

for

the

record,

when

you

enter

five

million

three

hundred

eighteen

thousand

and

eight

in

a

calculator,

upside-down it spells boobies.

Leonard

: Remember when you were wondering why the girls didn’t want to eat with us tonight?

Howard

: Yeah, I get it now.

Scene: A bar.

Penny

: I love your little heart locket, Bernadette.

Bernadette: Oh, thanks. Howard gave it to me. It’s the cutest thing. Every time I have dinner with his mom, the next

day I get jewellery.

Amy

: Did you know that the iconic Valentine’s heart shape is not actuall

y based on the shape of a human heart, but

rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?

Penny

: Oh, so I spent seventh grade dotting my I’s with little asses? Cool.

Zack

: Hey, Penny, how’s it going?

Penny

: Hey, Zack, what are you doing here?

Zack

: My dad’s company prints the menus for this place. I’m just dropping off some new ones laminated. Makes ‘em

easier to clean if people throw up on ‘em. Guess how I got the idea?

Penny

: Yeah, I got it, I got it. Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.

Bernadette

: Hi.

Zack

: Hey.

Amy

: Hoo.

Zack

: Okay, well, it was good to see you.

Penny

: Yeah, you, too.

Bernadette

: He’s really cute. How do you know him?

Penny

: Oh, we went out a couple of times.

Amy

: I’m often flummoxed by current slang. Does

went out mean had intercourse?

Bernadette

: Yes.

Penny

: No, no. But in this case, yes.

Amy

: Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?

Penny

: No, it was great. He just didn’t really challenge me on an intellectual level.

Bernadette

: Couldn’t you just fool ar

ound with him and then listen to NPR?

Penny

: Wouldn’t help. Zack can’t even spell NPR.

Bernadette

: It’s what I do with Howard. I’m much smarter than he is. But it’s important to protect his manhood.

Amy

: Hoo.

Bernadette

: What’s the matter?

Amy

: I’m suddenl

y feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry. In addition, I

keep involuntarily saying hoo.

Penny

: Oh, we know what’s causing that, don’t we?

Amy

: It’s no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden

-onset Tou

rette’s syndrome.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The university cafeteria.

Howard

: Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?

Leonard

: No. What happened?

Howard

: They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.

Raj

: Did he get superpowers?

Howard

: No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.

Raj

: Oh. Well, that’s disappointing.

Howard

: Why?

Raj

: Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kind of want to turn into a superhero.

Howard

: Yeah, but who’d want to

become Rat-Man?

Raj

: Who wouldn’t? You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down

restaurants in a single bound. And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.

Howard

: Mouse Boy?

Raj

: You don’t like Mouse Boy? How about, uh, uh, Kid Vermin?

Howard

: First of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn’t be the sidekick. You’d be the sidekick.

Raj

: Rat-

Man is nobody’s sidekick.

Howard

: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who’s the ob

vious sidekick?

Raj

: Yeah, Leonard, who?

Leonard

: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.

Scene: Amy’s lab.

Sheldon

: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?

Amy

:

It’s

too

thin

if

I

were

making

a

foot

-long

brain

sandwich

at

Quiznos.

For

examination

under

a

two-photon

microscope, it’s fine.

Sheldon

: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

Amy

: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

Sheldon

: Thank you.

Amy

: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.

Sheldon

: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I

did that one summer. Ah, youth.

Amy

: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.

Sheldon

: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

Amy

: Oh, that sounds like fun.

Sheldon

: All right. What were the symptoms?

Amy

: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.

Sheldon

: Localized to what region?

Amy

: Ears and genitalia.

Sheldon

: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene

for me.

Amy

: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion.

Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.

Sheldon

: Who?

Amy

: Zack.

Sheldon

: Then why did you ask?

Amy

: Ask what?

Sheldon

: Who.

Amy

: Zack.

Sheldon

: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

Amy

: Hoo.

Sheldon

: Zack.

Amy

: Why do you keep saying Zack?

Sheldon

: Because you keep saying who.

Amy

: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last nig

ht.

Sheldon

: And the answer was Zack, correct?

Amy

: There was no question. I simply said hoo.

Sheldon

: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order

of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake

of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.

Amy

: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

Scene: The cafeteria.

Howard

: There you are.

Raj

: Oh, hey.

Howard

: Let me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?

Raj

: I don’t know. Um, nuclear war. Accidentally being buried alive. Any of those movies where you get that phone

call that says you’re going to die, and then you do.

Howard

: No. Something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.

Raj

: Well, type two diabetes runs in my family. The thought of losing a toe…

Howard

: Spiders! You’re afraid of spiders!

Raj

: What the heck is this?

Howard

: A jar with a big spider in it, of course. Bravery test. First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.

Raj

: Are you crazy?

Howard

: Perhaps. Are you scared?

Raj

: No. But it’s a stupid test.

Howard

: Oh, really? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a

spider?

Raj

: Oh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room

and let other guys see you naked?

Howard

:

Oh,

come

on.

That’s

never

gonna

happen.

Now

put

your

hand

in

the

jar

or

forever

be

revealed

as

my

sidekick.

Raj

: All right, I will.

Howard

: How did you get so brave all of a sudden?

Raj

: It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm.