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海绵宝宝
第四季
英文字母
目录
Season 4
61
Fear of a
Krabby Patty
Shell of a Man
62
The Lost
Mattress
Krabs vs. Plankton
63
Have You Seen This Snail?
64
Skill Crane
Good Neighbors
65
Selling Out
Funny Pants
66
Dunces and Dragons
67
Enemy In-Law
Mermaid Man and Barnacle
Boy VI: The Motion Picture
68
Patrick
SmartPants
SquidBob TentaclePants
69
Krusty Towers
Mrs. Puff, You're Fired
70
Chimps Ahoy
Ghost Host
71
Whale of a Birthday
Karate Island
72
All That Glitters
Wishing You Well
73
New Leaf
Once Bitten
74
Bummer
Vacation
Wigstruck
75
Squidtastic
Voyage
That's No Lady
76
The Thing
Hocus Pocus
77
Driven to Tears
Rule of Dumb
78
Born to Be
Wild
Best Frenemies
79
The Pink
Purloiner
Squid Wood
80
Best Day Ever
The Gift of Gum
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61. *Fear
of a Krabby Patty*
Dialogue
(Open on the Krusty Krab. Fish are
eating food, Mr. Krabs is painting a picture and
Squidward is
manning the cash
register.)
Mr. Krabs:
Finished! At last. (Shows the picture to Squidward
and SpongeBob, who is now at the
chef's
window.) What do you boys think of my masterpiece?
SpongeBob: (reading the
sign) New business hours: 6 a.m. to 11 p.m.
Squidward: (yelling) What?
That is totally unfair!
SpongeBob: Squidward's right. That's
totally unfair. Couldn't we get to work earlier
than six a.m.?
Like 5:30 a.m.? Or 5:00
a.m.? Or 4:00 a.m.?
Squidward: (zips up the chef's window)
Zip it!
(Mr.
Krabs
places
the
sign
on
the
store
window.
He
stares
out
of
the
window
and
notices
something surprising
from across the street)
Mr.
Krabs: What the...? (The Chum Bucket now displays
a sign in front saying that it is
23
hours
Mr. Krabs: ...The Chum
Bucket open 23 hours? So that little piece of
flotsam Plankton thinks he
can stay
open longer than me, does he?
(A customer walks up to him, tray in
hand.)
Fish: Sure. I don't
know. Why not?
Mr. Krabs:
Well, he's wrong!
Fish: Oh,
o.k. Sure.
Mr. Krabs: As of
now, the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours.
(SpongeBob's head bursts through the
wall, in the place where the chef's window used to
be.)
SpongeBob:
Did
you
hear
that,
Squidward? We
get
to keep
working
and
working and
working
without
ever
having
to
go
home.
I've
got
to
pinch
myself,
because
I
must
be
dreaming.
(SpongeBob exits the punctured hole in
the wall and stands flat on the floor. He starts
pinching
himself twice, then yells in
pain. He pinches himself again and yells again,
then does it four more
times. After a
brief pause, he pinches himself yet again.) Well,
I'm not dreaming.
(Switch
to a telescope view of the front window of the
Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs walks up to the
sign and amends it to read, Open 24
hours!)
Plankton: (behind
the scope) Open 24 hours, eh? I knew he couldn't
resist staying open later than
me.
(He
starts
walking
into
the
Chum
Bucket)
My
evil
plan
is
working
perfectly.
He'll
run
his
employees into the ground, and when
SpongeBob's mind finally cracks from exhaustion,
I'll get
him to tell me the secret
Krabby Patty formula. (Laughs evilly. He notices
after a while that his
computer wife,
Karen is not laughing with him.) Why aren't you
laughing?
Karen: I've heard
this joke before.
(Scene
switches to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is standing
near the cash register with a bell and
beater in hand.)
Mr. Krabs: All right, everybody. The
Krusty Krab is entering day three of non-stop
service! Let's
give it up for day
three! (The camera shows the customers of the
Krusty Krab eating their food
and not
being swayed by Mr. Krab's excitement.) Yee haw,
day three!
SpongeBob:
(inside the kitchen, holding a Krabby patty.)
Krabby Patty, I don't care if we have to
stay open until the day after the end
of time. As long as I am with you, I am complete.
(Bubbles
fill the screen as the episode
transitions to the outside of the Krusty Krab. It
then cuts to the inside,
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where
Mr. Krabs still is holding a bell)
Mr. Krabs: Day ten of non-stop service!
Squidward: (exhausted) Mr.
Krabs, can I go home yet?
Mr. Krabs: No one goes home!
Squidward: (points to the
bags under his eyes) Look at these bags under my
eyes; even my bags
have bags!
(The camera shows a closely
detailed picture of Squidward's drowsy eyes, and a
lady screams.)
Mr. Krabs:
Quit your bellyaching, Squidward; you don't hear
SpongeBob complaining, do you?
SpongeBob: (grilling hamburgers in the
kitchen) K-R-A-B-B-Y P-A-T-T-Y
, says I.
Mr. Krabs: You could learn
a few things from that boy.
Squidward: (through his teeth) Mr.
Krabs, he is not normal.
(SpongeBob starts kissing a Krabby
Patty.)
Mr. Krabs: All
right, you can sit down for five minutes. Then
it's back to work.
(Squidward drops over and starts
snoring. Plankton, wearing a tight black suit
descends from a
rope on the wall and
monitors at SpongeBob.)
Plankton: Drats! He's not collapsing
from exhaustion, but with a little more pressure,
the Sponge
will crack like an egg
(clenches fist), and I'll be there to feast on the
goo of his shattered psyche.
(Slurps
and then does an evil laugh. Mr. Krabs notices
Plankton, but since he is tiny, black and
suspending from a coil, he believes
Plankton is a small insect.)
Mr. Krabs: Eww! A spider bug. (Squishes
Plankton and the scene changes to the Chum Bucket
a
while later. Plankton is on the
phone, ordering an item from the Krusty Krab. Mr.
Krabs picks up
on the other line.)
Mr. Krabs: Krusty Krab! The
restaurant that never closes. Would you like to
place an order? (We
hear a muffled
sound from Mr. Krab's phone.) 10,000 Krabby
Patties! We'll start your order right
away, Mr....uh, uh...What was that name
again? (Muffles coming from the phone. Mr. Krabs
writes
his information on a piece of
paper) Uh huh...Peter Lankton. Wait a minute. This
isn't some kind
of prank, is it?
Plankton: Eh...no.
Mr. Krabs: Good! We'll call
you when it's ready, Mr. Lankton.
(Mr. Krabs bursts through the kitchen
door, and starts yelling orders at SpongeBob.)
Mr. Krabs: Kick it into
high gear! We've got a big order! (Clutches
SpongeBob, who is staring into
space)
I'm
counting
on
you,
boy.
I
need
you
to
raise
that
spatular.
(SpongeBob
does
so,
enthusiastically) Yeah! And I need you
to say,
SpongeBob: Team
Krusty Krab!
Mr. Krabs:
That's me boy! Now, make me 10,000 Krabby Patties.
(SpongeBob's eyes swell up as
Mr. Krabs
walks away) And no breaks!
SpongeBob: (Ecstatic) Did you hear that
spatula? You, me and 10,000 Krabby Patties. And
the
best part? No breaks! (Pinches
self) Wow!
(Cut to a view
of the ocean with a small island with some palm
trees in the background. Mr. Krabs
floats by as he hits his bell)
Mr. Krabs: Day 15! Give it
up for day 15! (SpongeBob floats by as the setting
transforms into the
nighttime)
SpongeBob:
K-R-
A-B-B-Y
...(drones
off)
(Plankton
floats
by
as
the
setting
transforms
into
the
daytime.
Plankton laughs menacingly. SpongeBob floats by a
lot faster.)
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SpongeBob: 1,322...
(Mr.
Krabs
floats
by
as
the
setting
transforms
into
the
nighttime.
Mr.
Krabs
and
SpongeBob
continue floating
by as the setting changes from day to night and
vice versa)
Mr. Krabs: Day
23! Give it up for day 23!
SpongeBob: 6,654...
Mr. Krabs: Day 30!
SpongeBob: 7,121...
(Plankton floats by now. He laughs
menacingly. Burger items float by. SpongeBob
floats by)
SpongeBob:
8,659...
(Old Man Jenkins
floats by, confused)
Old
Man Jenkins: Wait, what's going on? Whoa, whoa!
(The scene switches back to
the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs appears extremely
tired)
Mr. Krabs: Day...
(record scratch) anyone know how many days it's
been? I've lost track.
Squidward: (Breathing heavily next to a
pile of Krabby Patties.) Forty-three. (Gasps, as
the top of
his head expands and
shrinks. SpongeBob places a tray of food items on
the chef's window and
then shoves them
off. He does the same again for a smelly boot.)
Mr. Krabs: What the
flimflam? (Enters the kitchen and notices
SpongeBob looking like a wreck.)
What
are you doing in here, boy? You're wasting all me
food. (SpongeBob does not answer him)
Boy?
(SpongeBob
starts fighting the air with his spatula. Mr.
Krabs hits him on the back of his head.)
SpongeBob: (Drowsily) Oh,
hey, Mr. Krabs. When did you get here?
Mr. Krabs: Boy, I'm worried that...(Mr.
Krabs turns into a giant talking Krabby Patty.)
Got it?
SpongeBob: (wiping
his eyes) I'm sorry Mr. Krabs. Could you run that
by me again?
Mr. Krabs:
Sure, I said I'm worried that...(He turns into a
Krabby Patty again. He turns back into
himself after he stops talking.)
SpongeBob:
That's
what
I
thought
you
said.
Now,
let
me
offer
this
as
a
rebuttal:
(he
starts
screaming
and
throwing
his
hands
in
the
air.
He
hides
in
the
corner,
waving
his
spatula
at
Mr.
Krabs) Stay back! I'm warning you!
Mr. Krabs: (Starts walking
towards SpongeBob) All right. Now you're just
acting silly. I want you
to...(Mr.
Krabs turns into a Krabby Patty again)
SpongeBob: No, don't eat me; I'm too
chewy. (Screams and runs outside the kitchen,
where his
eyes bulge as he notices the
customers are now Krabby Patties) Holy shrimp!
They're everywhere!
(Runs screaming and
knocks into a Krabby Patty, falling.)
Krabby Patty: (looking at him) What?
SpongeBob: (Running and
screaming. He starts screaming at two Krabby
Patties sitting at a table,
then one
going to the bathroom and then screaming and
pointing at a normal looking fish wearing
a light purple shirt)
Female Companion: I told you that shirt
was hideous.
(SpongeBob
screams
again
as
Mr.
Krabs
grabs
him
and
pulls
him
into
the
kitchen,
while
SpongeBob is digging his nails into the
floor.)
SpongeBob: No, no!
I want to live! (He enters the kitchen, but bursts
the door open) I want to live!
(He's
dragged back inside, and the camera shows
Squidward, exhausted.)
SpongeBob:
(inside
the
kitchen)
Mr.
Krabs,
what's
going
on?
Everywhere
I
look,
I
see
killer
Krabby Patties.
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Mr. Krabs: (patting
SpongeBob's head) There, there. I'm sure it's
nothing that getting back to work
won't
solve. Here's your Spatular. (Hands SpongeBob his
spatula)
SpongeBob:
(repeating) Spatular.
Mr.
Krabs: (showing SpongeBob his grill) And here's
the grill.
SpongeBob:
(repeating) Grill.
Mr.
Krabs:
(Showing
SpongeBob
some
patties
in
his
hands)
and
here
are
some
fresh
Krabby...
(SpongeBob starts
screaming again. When Mr. Krabs pulls the patties
away, SpongeBob's scream
lessens. He
pulls the patties out in front of him and
continues pushing and pulling them forward.
Then, he throws the patties away.)
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, there may
be a problem after all.
SpongeBob: What does this mean?
Mr Krabs: It means there's
something wrong with your head. Look, I think
maybe you should see
a professional.
SpongeBob: Wrestler?
Mr. Krabs: No, a
psychiatrist.
SpongeBob:
Oh, but where am
I going to find a
psychiatrist? (A paper airplane hits him in the
head)
Ow!
(Plankton
is
heading
at
the
chef's
window
and
then
drops
down.
SpongeBob
starts
reading the paper) Hey, look at this!
phobias
Krabs holds up a
patty in front of SpongeBob's face. SpongeBob
points and screams at it, then
runs
off.)
(The
scene
switches
to
SpongeBob, paper
in
hand,
finding
out
where
the
psychiatric
center
is.)
SpongeBob: (looking up)
Well, this looks like the place. (It is the Chum
Bucket with the sign
P. Lankton
Psychiatrist
Plankton:
Come
in,
Mr.
SquarePants.
Please
have
a
seat
on
the
couch.
(SpongeBob
sits
on
the
couch.
He
turns
his
chair
around
so
that
we
can
see
Plankton
wearing
a
costume
and
beard.)
Now...(chuckles) Let's unload all that
harmful information in your little yellow head.
SpongeBob:
You're
a
bit
smaller
than
I
imagined,
doctor,
but
I
guess
that's
why
they
call
you
shrink
(laughs). Do you think there's hope for me,
doctor?
Plankton: Hope,
hope? When I get my hands on that formula, there
won't be any hope for any of
you.
(Laughs, but then clears his throat) Yeah, I mean:
you'll be cured in no time.
SpongeBob: Oh, good.
Plankton: Let's start with a simple
exercise.
SpongeBob:
Jumping jacks?
Plankton: I
want you to close your eyes. (SpongeBob lightly
closes his eyes) Tighter. (he closes
his eyes tighter) Tighter. (Tightens
them even more, and they rip off.) Too tight! Now,
tell me what
you see?
SpongeBob: I see giant Krabby Patties.
Plankton: Good, and what
are they made of? (He starts recording on a voice
recorder)
SpongeBob:
Hatred!
Plankton: No, I
mean ingredients. What are the stinking
ingredients?
SpongeBob:
They're
coming
for
me.
No!
No!
No!
Stay
back!
(Grabs
a
piano
and
holds
it
threateningly in the air)
Plankton:
Wait,
where'd
you
get
that
piano?
(SpongeBob
smashes
Plankton
with
the
piano.
He
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groans. Later, he continues his
psychology.) We're trying something else. I'm
going to say a word
and I want you to
say the first word that pops into your head.
Ready?
SpongeBob: I'm
ready!
Plankton: Work.
SpongeBob: Work.
Plankton: Spatula.
SpongeBob: Spatula.
Plankton: Bun.
SpongeBob: Bun.
Plankton: See, the key is to say
something different than what I say.
SpongeBob: Oh, o.k. I've got it.
Plankton: Potato.
SpongeBob: Poh-tah-to.
Plankton: Tomato.
SpongeBob: Toh-mah-to.
(Scene switches to
SpongeBob kneeling on the floor looking at various
cards.)
Plankton: I've laid
out some words on cards here. These words are
common kitchen ingredients. I
want you
to arrange them in any order you choose. It could
be a poem or a secret formula. I don't
know... Oh, yes! A secret formula.
Good, let's do that.
SpongeBob: Um, you're making me
nervous.
Plankton: Oh, o.k.
(Walks to and sits on his chair) I'll be over
here, then.
SpongeBob: I'm
finished! (Plankton gets up and walks to
SpongeBob.) I've arranged them into a
piano. (The piano falls on Plankton.)
Plankton: Since your mind
has been resistant to every mental technique so
far, I'm forced to resort
to my most
powerful method of curing you.
SpongeBob: Fiber?
Plankton: No, hypnosis.
SpongeBob: Hypnosis?!
Plankton: (holds a ticking watch in
front of him) Now, keep your eyes on this watch.
When I count
to three, you will fall
into a deep sleep. One...uh, two...uh, three.
(SpongeBob falls asleep) I can't
believe it worked. Now, when I snap my
fingers, you will awake and tell me the formula.
(Snaps
fingers,
but
he
does
not
wake
up.
He
snaps
a
couple
more
times.)
Hey,
wake
up!
(He
clashes
cymbals, blows a
trumpet and beats on drums.) Hmm, what else is
loud and obnoxious? (He holds
a ringing
cell phone up to his ear, but that does not work)
Why won't you wake up?! (We peer into
SpongeBob's
dream.
In
it
he
is
chasing
jellyfish,
but
then
gets
caught
in
a
fishnet
by
a
huge
Krabby Patty, who then eats him. Inside
the Krabby Patty, SpongeBob looks around in the
dark.)
SpongeBob: Where am
I?
(Lights turn on and he
is lying in his bed in his home. The door to his
room opens and a huge
Krabby Patty
walks in.)
Krabby Patty:
Hey, SpongeBob. I heard your brain was sick, so I
brought you this cookie pizza.
(Hands SpongeBob a cookie pizza)
SpongeBob: Gee, thanks!
Krabby Patty: And here's
some chocolate milk. (Hands SpongeBob a glass of
chocolate milk)
SpongeBob:
The king of flavored dairy drinks! (He drinks it)
Oh, Krabby Patty, I'm so glad we're
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friends again.
Krabby Patty: Just remember, SpongeBob,
I'll always be with you right here (points to a
part of
SpongeBob's stomach).
SpongeBob: In my heart?
Krabby Patty: Actually, in
your arteries. Now, do me a favor and wake up.
Wake up.
Plankton: (In real
life, shouting into a loudspeaker) Wake up!
SpongeBob: (wakes up,
yawning) It worked! I'm cured!
Plankton: But what about the formula?
SpongeBob:
Oh,
you're
right!
I'd
better
get
back
to
work!
(SpongeBob
runs
away,
towards
the
Krusty Krab) Thanks for everything,
doc!
Plankton: (yelling)
No! It's a lie! Therapy doesn't really work.
You're still sick! Very, very sick!
(Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob is flipping burgers normally)
Mr. Krabs: Good to see
you're brain's all fixed, boy.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I just needed some
sleep, is all.
Mr. Krabs:
Well, I can safely say,
will be plenty
(Laughs. SpongeBob then starts laughing). No,
seriously. Get back to work!
*Shell of a Man*
Dialogue
SpongeBob: (putting the meat on the
patty) Easy... (takes all the condiments and
throws them in
the air. They all land
nicely stacked on top of the patty) Perfection!
Squidward: Is number 5's order ready
yet, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Just a
second, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time
for you to go now. (starts to
tear)
You
grew
up
so
fast,
I...oh,
I
promised
myself
I
wouldn't
do
this.
(gives
the
patty
to
Squidward) Just take it Squidward, take
it away. (cries)
Squidward: Oh,
brother. (into microphone) Number 5. Number 5.
Spongebob:
(shows
a
slip with
the
number
5 on
it)
That's
me!
(takes
Krabby
Patty
and
eats
it)
Mmm.
My
compliments
to
the
chef!
(laughs
himself
into
the
kitchen.
SpongeBob
notices
something)
SpongeBob: Hello, what's
this? (gets close to the window of the door where
his eyes & Mr. Krabs
eyes meet)
Mr. Krabs: Come out here, boy.
SpongeBob: (walks outside) Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (grabs SpongeBob and drags
him under the dumpster) Hush boy, or you'll give
away
me secret hidey-hole.
SpongeBob: (whispering) What's a hidey-
hole?
Mr. Krabs: It's where I hide me
treasure. (pushes the dumpster aside and throws
SpongeBob out of
the
hole)
Catch!
(throws
a
treasure
chest
at
SpongeBob)
Let's
get
that
chest
to
the
office,
boy,
pronto!
SpongeBob: What's in this thing?
Treasure?
Mr. Krabs: A treasure trove
of sorts. It's me memory chest from my years in
the navy.
SpongeBob: Why'd you dig up
your navy chest, sir?
Mr.
Krabs:
Well,
my
navy
buddies
and
I
are
having
a
reunion.
And
I
wanted
to
wear
me
old
uniform. (opens chest)
SpongeBob: Wow, look at all your cool
navy stuff! What's that?
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Mr.
Krabs: Arrgh! (takes out a tattoo) It's me first
tattoo.
SpongeBob: Neat.
Mr.
Krabs: And this is me 'Manly Toughness Trophy'.
(trophy with an arm at the top)
SpongeBob: How'd you win that?
Mr. Krabs: By being the toughest of the
tough!
SpongeBob: Wow! Oh-oh. Who are
those guys? (pointing to a picture with 5 sailors
in it)
Mr. Krabs: Me shipmates. The
toughest bunch to ever sail the grimy deep.
There's
(shows guy with iron for an
eye), and
Mr.
Krabs
in
a
navy
suit),
Belly
(shows
big
guy
with
torpedo
in
his
belly),
and
SpongeBob: Did you have a
cool nickname, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Of
course! I was called
SpongeBob: You
were?
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: Well, I guess you were
bitter back then.
Mr. Krabs: Oh,
really? (takes his navy suit) This is me navy
cadet uniform. Prepare to eat your
words 'cause I haven't put on more than
a couple of pounds. (rips navy suit while trying
to put it
on) Ok, maybe I'm a bit
bigger. But I'm still the toughest of the tough.
Go ahead, lad, give em a
punch.
SpongeBob: You want me to punch you in
the stomach?
Mr. Krabs: Not in the
stomach! In me armor abs!
SpongeBob:
(punches Mr Krabs in the abs but his arm breaks
into little pieces) Wow, my entire
arm
disintegrated.
Mr. Krabs: I still got
it. Now be a good lad and go get your station in
ship shape. And leave an old
sea-dog to
rebel in his memories.
SpongeBob: Aye,
aye, sir! (opens kitchen door) Alright, let's get
this place ship shape. You men,
stop
laying around! (point to potatoes) To battle
stations. (pouring fries into the grease fryer)
All
hands on deck! (puts 10 Krabby
Patties on the grill) Set course for full flavor.
(turns knob on stove
to the right)
Ketchup and mustard off the port bow. (stepping on
ketchup and mustard containers)
One
Krabby Patty ready to set sail. (holding Krabby
Patty up)
Mr. Krabs: No!! (SpongeBob
drops his Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob:
(gasps) Mr. Krabs. (knocks once on Mr. Krabs door
and it opens) Hello? Mr. Krabs?
(Mr.
Krabs is shown head down on his desk) You alright?
Are you sleepy? (pokes Mr. Krabs body
knocking it to the floor revealing a
headless Mr. Krabs) Mr. Krabs!! (sniffs his arm) I
don't smell
his
pulse.
(a
figure
in
the
background
rushes
past
SpongeBob)
What's
that?
(figure
is
behind
a
barrel)
Is somebody there?
Mr. Krabs: Don't
look at me!
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Leave me be.
SpongeBob: (throws barrel
away) You're alive! And naked...
Mr.
Krabs: (crying) It's true. I've molted.
SpongeBob: What's molted?
Mr. Krabs: It's when a crab gets too
fat and, I very well, outgrows his shell. It falls
off.
SpongeBob: Wow.
- 8 -
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Mr. Krabs: 'Armor Abs Krabs' can't show
up at the reunion like this. All pink and soft and
unmanly.
I'm all flab and no ab!
SpongeBob: Barnacles!
Mr.
Krabs: SpongeBob.
SpongeBob:
Sorry
about
the
foul
language,
Mr
Krabs,
but
you're
acting
like
there
never
was
a
man
in
that
shell.
The
crabs
of
his
navy
days
was
fearless.
He
wouldn't
let
something
as
insignificant as a missing shell slow
him down.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah.
SpongeBob: Who cares how silly, pink &
fleshy you look. How non-threatening, limp & soft
you
are. How... (Mr Krabs cries)
...oops.
Mr.
Krabs:
I
can't
go
anywhere
ever
again.
Stupid,
no
good...
(kicks
shell
into
the
wall
which
ricochets back at SpongeBob making him
scream. SpongeBob turns over and slides into Mr.
Krabs
shell)
SpongeBob: Wow,
it sure is dark in here. (pokes head through the
shell) Look Mr. Krabs, I'm you!
Mr.
Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a genius.
SpongeBob: Well, I'm glad you got my
point. It's not what's about on the outside. It's
what's on the
in...
Mr.
Krabs: No, you barnacle brain. Not your silly
metaphor. You, in me shell. It gives me an idea.
You can go to the reunion and pretend
to be me.
SpongeBob: I get to be a navy
buddy?
Mr. Krabs: Course, you'll need
some time to proximate me personality.
SpongeBob: Oh, that'll be a snap.
Squidward and I have been doing it behind your
back for years.
(laughs)
Mr.
Krabs: Alright, show me what you got.
SpongeBob: (pulls nose out to look like
Mr. Krabs' then imitates his voice) Look at me,
I'm Mr.
Krabs. I love money.
Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Say, that ain't
half-bad.
SpongeBob: I once won a
marathon because someone dropped a penny at the
finish line.
Mr. Krabs: That's me.
(laughs)
SpongeBob:
Every
night,
I
tuck
me
wallet
in
and
tell
it
a
bedtime
story.
(pulls
covers
over
the
wallet)
Goodnight, wallety. (kisses the wallet)
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, okay. I get the point.
SpongeBob: Oh, what's that you say? Me
daughter Pearl needs an operation? I'll do it me
self and
save a nickel. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: That'll do, SpongeBob.
(At the reunion)
SpongeBob:
Well, here goes...wow. I've never seen so many
manly naval men. So tough, so brave,
so...clever. And I'm one of them!
(at the reunion they show a tough man
lifting Nancy on a treasure chest)
Mr. Krabs: (hiding in a coral plant) No
you're not. Don't blow this for me, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I won't let you down.
Mutton Chop: Armor Abs Krabs. Come join
your navy buddies in a toast.
SpongeBob: (high-pitched voice) Coming!
(runs over to the table)
Mr. Krabs: Oh,
what have I done?
- 9 -
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SpongeBob: Ok
boys, let the SS Party drop anchor right here.
Mr. Krabs: I've created a monster.
Lockjaw Jones: Here's some grog. You
still like pineapple, right?
SpongeBob:
Like pineapple? I live in one. (everyone laughs)
Torpedo Belly: That Ol' Krabs is manly
as ever.
Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it.
SpongeBob is pulling it off.
Mutton
Chop: Hey Armor Abs, Ol' Iron Eye here has been
itching to punch your legendary gut.
SpongeBob: Well, if you think you're
man enough.
Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh, this
could be bad.
SpongeBob:
Fire the torpedoes. (Iron Eye punches
SpongeBob. He bounces around in the shell
then comes up dizzy)
Mutton
Chop: What do you say, Krabs? Just like old times.
(SpongeBob spits out a tooth)
Lockjaw
Jones: Or two. (spits out two more teeth)
Torpedo Belly: Teeth. Now that's manly.
(SpongeBob spits out his skeleton and everyone
cheers)
Mr. Krabs: He did it.
Captain: Alright me swabbys, it's time
to award the trophy of manly toughness. To a man
who's
toughness has stewed the test of
time. And that man is: Eugene 'Armor Abs' Krabs.
Come up here
Krabs.
Mr.
Krabs: This is the best night of my life. Me naval
buddies still think I'm manly. And I didn't
have to shed myself.
Naval
Buddies: (chanting:) Armor Abs! Armor Abs! Armor
Abs!
SpongeBob: Thanks for the trophy
everybody. (laughs)
Naval Buddies:
(chanting) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
SpongeBob: I...uhh...
Mr.
Krabs: Say something.
SpongeBob: Let me
spin you a manly yarn.
Mr. Krabs: 'Atta
boy.
SpongeBob: so there I was, in
Jellyfish Fields.
Mr. Krabs: I'm
doomed.
SpongeBob: Me supply of bubble
soap was dangerously low. And as I blew my last
bubble...
Mutton Chop: Did he say
Jellyfish Fields?
Iron Eye: Blowing
bubbles?
Mutton Chop: Uhh, what were
you doing in Jellyfish Fields?
SpongeBob: Why jellyfishing, of course.
Naval Buddies: Huh?
Mr.
Krabs: Phone call for Mr. Krabs. (SpongeBob is
confused) Get off the stage.
SpongeBob:
Oh, well I gotta go. Uhh, thanks. (runs off the
stage)
Torpedo Belly: Where
do you think you're going? Everybody knows there's
2 things Ol' Armor
Abs Krabs would
never do.
Mr. Krabs: Oh no.
Lockjaw Jones: Number 1, is spend a
penny.
Torpedo Belly: And
the other one is leave without giving Ol' Torpedo
Belly one of
your world
famous steely philly butts. Haha
SpongeBob: Oh, I thought you saw me
through this rouse. I mean, arr, you don't think I
was just
- 10 -
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gonna collect this here
trophy of manly toughness without reminding you
silly livers why you give
it to me in
the first place. Let's have it. No holding back.
Give it your all.
Mr.
Krabs:
I
can't
watch.
(SpongeBob
&
Torpedo
Belly
butt
each
other
in
the
belly
and
sends
SpongeBob flying)
Torpedo
Belly:
Armor
Abs?
(SpongeBob
flies
into
a
sign
and
then
back
into
Torpedo
Belly
breaking the shell.
SpongeBob is revealed and everyone gets angry)
SpongeBob: Well, uhh, I guess I'll take
my manly toughness trophy and head home now. See
you
around manville boys, uhh, men.
Mr. Krabs: No!! He's not Eugene Krabs.
I am. (everyone gasps) Alright lads, take a good
look.
This
is
who
I
am.
I've
molted
me
shell
and
I'm
vulnerable.
(cries)
But
I'm
certainly
no
bubble-blowing
jellyfisher. No offense, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: None taken, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: C'mon lad, let's go home.
Mutton Chop: Wait a minute! You've
forgotten something. (hands trophy to Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: I don't understand.
Mutton Chop: Admitting you lost your
shell is the toughest thing I've ever seen. And,
uhh, I have a
confession. (rips off
sideburns) These are fake! (SpongeBob & Mr. Krabs
gasp)
Torpedo Belly: Over here.
Mr. Krabs: You, too, Torpedo Belly?
Torpedo Belly: Actually, I had my
torpedo removed. Long ago.
Lockjaw
Jones: And these aren't the same choppers that I
had in the navy.
Iron Eye: My iron eye
is actually made of Formica. (everyone laughs)
SpongeBob: Look at that, Mr. Krabs.
You're navy buddies all had something to hide.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, poor suckers. At least
my shell will grow back. (both laugh)
62. *The Lost Mattress*
Dialogue
(Squidward's watch
strikes 9 o'clock)
Squidward: Wow, I'm
really late again. Maybe he'll finally fire me.
(laughs as he walks into the
closed
front doors of the Krusty Krab) Locked?
SpongeBob: This isn't happening. This
isn't happening.
Squidward: SpongeBob,
is that you?
SpongeBob: The horror.
It's unspeakable. Don't you see, Squidward? It's
closed! The Krusty Krab
is closed!
Squidward: You mean I got out of bed
for nothing?
SpongeBob:
The
doors
are
locked.
The
doors
are
locked
and
we
are
on
the
outside.
Outsiders.
What are we going to do, Squidward?
There are Krabby Patties inside. All alone.
Mr. Krabs: Just stand aside, lad, and
let me unlock the door but my back is killing like
pain.
SpongeBob: (faces comes out his
backside) Mr. Krabs, you're here! (jumping around)
Gosh, Mr.
Krabs, we were worried
something might have happened to you. That the
world would've never
been deprived of
the greatest food known to man.
Mr.
Krabs: (drops his keys) Oh, you made me drop me
keys. Give me some space, lad. Can't a
crab get a little space?
SpongeBob: (cries) I'm... sorry, Mr.
Krabs.
Squidward: Harsh. (laughs)
- 11 -
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Mr. Krabs: (breaks his back)
Arrgh, me back!
SpongeBob: Are you
hurt, Mr. Krabs?
Mr.
Krabs:
No.
I'm
just
doubled
over
in
pain,
fightin'
back
tears
in
me
eyes
because
it's
a
new
dance craze!
SpongeBob: Oh,
good, I thought you were hurt.
Mr.
Krabs: I am hurt, ya idiot! (SpongeBob cries) I'm
sorry I snapped at ya, laddie. It's just me
back is killing me. It's me old, lumpy
mattress. It's like trying to sleep on broken
coral. I'm going
out of me mind. (back
breaks again) Ouch! me back.
SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs. What are we
going to do, Squidward?
Squidward: Why do anything? I like the
new Mr. Krabs. He yells at you more. (laughs)
SpongeBob: I'm serious, Squidward.
Squidward: So am I.
SpongeBob: We should get Mr. Krabs a
new mattress and surprise him with it as a gift.
Then we'll
never have to be late to
work again.
Squidward: What? You want
me to spend my hard earned money on my richer than
me skin Flynn
boss? No, thank you.
(enters Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: That's
okay, Squidward. You'll warm up to the idea.
(later) Thanks for coming with
me,
Patrick.
Patrick: No problem, buddy. I
always wanted to go to a mattress store. (both
enter store and gasp)
SpongeBob: I've
never seen so many mattress.
Patrick:
Yeah.
SpongeBob: How many do you think
there are?
Patrick: (looks around and
thinks) 10.
SpongeBob: Cool.
Employee: There's plenty more than
that. Try them out. Find one you like. (SpongeBob
jumps on
a
mattress
but
Patrick
shakes
his
head.
Patrick
lays
down
on
a
mattress
but
sinks
into
it
as
SpongeBob
shakes his head. SpongeBob falls on his back on a
rock-hard mattress. Patrick sits in a
racecar
bed
then
a
crashing
sound
is
heard.
SpongeBob
sits
on
a
bunch
of
needles
and
the
employee holds up a first-aid kit.
Finally, Patrick sits on a mattress that rotates
in rolling from side
to side. Now back
at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob and Patrick are
laughing)
Squidward: What are you
morons doing?
SpongeBob: Making a card
for Mr. Krabs. To go with his new mattress.
Squidward: Oh, I see. You're just
kissing up to the boss to make me look bad. Well,
I won't stand
for
it.
Gimme
that
card.
(signs
card)
Trying
to
outsmart
me,
will
ya?
(licks
envelope)
There,
I
signed it for all of us.
Patrick: Hey, you didn't even help pay.
SpongeBob: Oh, that's okay. As long as
Mr. Krabs is happy. (later at Mr. Krabs house)
Mr.
Krabs:
Oh,
me
back.
Well,
here
goes
another
useless
attempt
to
sleep
on
me
mountainous,
lumpy mattress. (lays on his mattress)
Uhhh... that's queer. Me mattress seems strangely
cozy and
butter... like... (falls
asleep)
SpongeBob, Patrick & Squidward:
Surprise!
Mr.
Krabs:
(wakes
up)
What?
Oh,
you?
What
in
the
blue-eyed
scallop
are
you
doing
in
me
bedroom?
SpongeBob: We
noticed how miserable you were on your lumpy, old
mattress.
- 12 -
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Squidward: So I
suggested we get you a new one.
Patrick: (talking to SpongeBob) I
thought it was your idea.
Mr. Krabs:
(attempting to hold down fury) So, where's me old
mattress then?
Squidward: Don't worry,
Mr. Krabs. I took care of that personally, too. I
had it hauled away to the
dump.
Mr. Krabs: (jumps on Squidward) All...
my... money... was... in that mattress!
Squidward: What?! Haven't you ever
heard of a bank?!
Mr. Krabs:
Noooooooooooo!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Noooooooooooo! (faints)
Patrick: And we got you a card.
Mr. Krabs: Is there money in it?
Patrick: (shakes the envelope) Nope.
(Mr. Krabs faints again. Later, at the hospital)
SpongeBob: Is it serious, doctor? Will
Mr. Krabs be alright?
Replacement
Doctor: Mr. Krabs is in a
life.
Squidward: It was SpongeBob’s fault!
Getting Mr. Krabs a new mattress was his
idea!
Patrick: I knew it!
Police Officer: Not so fast! (holds up
get well card) This card says 'This was all my
idea. Love,
Squidward'. If Mr. Krabs
doesn't pull through, you're going to jail!
Squidward: (growls) You did this,
SquarePants! If you don't get Mr. Krabs' mattress
back from the
dump, I am going to
murd... (officer clears throat) uhh... help you do
it myself.
Patrick: Wow, he really does
care. (later at the dump) What a dump.
SpongeBob: We gotta get in there,
Squidward. Mr. Krabs is counting on us.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, isn't that the
mattress over there?
SpongeBob:
Terrific, Patrick! You found it!
Squidward: What? Where? Lemme see.
Where?
SpongeBob: Over there,
Squidward! Underneath that really big guard worm.
Squidward: Oh. That figures.
(later at the hospital)
Replacement Doctor: Oh, no. This is
horrible.
Nurse: What is it, doctor?
Replacement Doctor: This man has no
insurance.
Nurse: He'll never be able
to afford this room!
Replacement
Doctor:
You're
right,
nurse.
Extract
the
patient
to
the
hallway.
Stat!
(Mr.
Krabs
is
pushed into a snack machine)
SpongeBob: Well, that's Mr. Krabs'
mattress, alright. Let's go get it.
Squidward: Okay, here's the plan: you
two quietly go in there, remove the mattress out
from the
guard worm without waking the
worm.
Patrick: Why not?
SpongeBob: Because that would be rude,
Patrick.
Squidward: And nothing's
meaner than a junkyard worm. He'll eat you alive!
Patrick: Hey, wait a minute, what are
you gonna do?
Squidward: Oh, I've got
the most important job. I'm going to keep watch to
make sure it's safe.
- 13 -
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Patrick:
Gee, thanks, buddy.
Squidward: My
pleasure.
SpongeBob: (Patrick climbs
the fence) Ah, isn't it beautiful, Patrick? You
can see everything from
up here.
Patrick: Wow. (both sigh)
Squidward: (growls) What are you morons
doing?
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I think
I can see our houses from here.
Patrick: Where? I can't see them.
(fence flips around to where Squidward is inside
and SpongeBob
& Patrick are outside)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Wow. (both laugh)
Squidward: What did you idiots do?
Patrick: Squidward, what are you going
in there? You were suppose to keep watch.
SpongeBob: Yeah, and you woke up the
guard worm, too.
Squidward: I didn't do
it! You blockheads woke... the... worm. (the worm
comes up from behind
Squidward.
Squidward screams as the worm attacks him)
(later at the hospital)
Doctor #2: Doctor?
Replacement Doctor: Yes, doctor?
Doctor #2: Regarding your patient,
doctor. I have come to this conclusion.
Replacement Doctor: Yes, go on.
Doctor #2: We have to surgically remove
him out from in front of the candy machine so we
can
get to the nutty nut bar .
Replacement Doctor: Of course. Nurse?
Nurse: I'm on it. (wheels Mr. Krabs
outside the hospital)
(later at the dump)
SpongeBob: (climbing down a rope with
Patrick to get inside the gate) Worm bait to the
retriever.
Worm bait to the retriever.
We're in. Out.
Squidward: Retriever to
worm bait, stay in. Don't go out.
SpongeBob: Understood. Out.
Squidward: No. In. Out.
SpongeBob: Understood. Out.
Squidward: Oh, look, you're at the far
side of the dump, right?
SpongeBob:
Affirmative.
Squidward: Good. Then make
lots of noise to draw the guard worm away from the
mattress so I
can retrieve it.
SpongeBob: Affirmative. Out. Oh, that's
why he calls himself the retriever.
Patrick: Why are we called worm bait?
SpongeBob: I dunno. (ululating with
Patrick. Then both uses pots and pans to make loud
noises
that draws the guard worm away)
Squidward: And my perfect plan falls
into place. (laughs)
Patrick: Uhh,
SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: I think I know why our code
name is worm bait. (guard worm rushes up and
growls at
them both until it
notice
s the wooden spoon in SpongeBob’s
hand)
- 14 -
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SpongeBob: Nice
worm. Good, kind, gentle worm. (worms eyes turn
into an image of the wooden
spoon)
Patrick: Ohh, SpongeBob, he likes your
wooden spoon.
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob
raises the spoon then lowers the spoon as the
worms eyes follow where
the spoon is)
Wow, I think you're right, Patrick.
Patrick: See if he plays catch.
SpongeBob: Okay, see the stick boy?
(throws spoon) Go get it, boy! (worm chases after
spoon)
Squidward: Coast is clear.
Squiddy, you are a genius. (wooden spoon hits
Squidward in the head)
Ouch.
What
the...? Hey,
I
needed
a
wooden
spoon.
I'll
just
keep
it
safe
from
harm
in
my
back
pocket. (places spoon
in back pocket) And now for the mattress. (worm
bites Squidward in the
butt) I
should've guessed. (worm attacks Squidward and
Squidward screams)
(back at the
hospital)
Administrator Flotsam: Excuse
me, doctor.
Replacement Doctor:
Administrator Flotsam, what can I do for you?
Administrator Flotsam: It has come to
my attention that your patient, Mr. Krabs, is out
on the front
sidewalk.
Replacement Doctor: Yes. Yes he is.
Administrator Flotsam: Well, what were
you thinking, man? We're trying to run a business
here.
We can't leave patients on the
sidewalk.
Replacement Doctor: Not to
worry. Nurse!
Nurse: I'm on it. (pushes
Mr. Krabs away from the hospital)
(back at the dump)
Squidward: Alright, you two, what's the
holdup?
SpongeBob: We feel silly.
Squidward: Come on. Do it for old man
Krabs.
SpongeBob: Ok. (SpongeBob &
Patrick jump out of the portable potty in steak
costumes) Can you
explain the plan
again, Squidward?
Squidward: Sure, but
first, put on this cologne.
SpongeBob:
(reads label) Steak sauce? (shrugs shoulders and
puts the sauces on his body)
Squidward:
Ok, so you are dressed as choice cuts. You go in
there and yell 'Trick or Treat!'. The
worm will realize he forgot to stock up
on Halloween candy, he'll leave to buy some then
we take
the mattress.
Patrick: Give me that cologne.
Squidward: Now get in there!
SpongeBob: Happy Halloween, Squidward!
Squidward: I am not going to get hurt
this time. (hears some rattling in the distance.
Its Mr. Krabs
on
his
hospital
bed
rolling
down
the
street
into
the
dump)
What
the...?
Isn't
that
Mr.
Krabs?
(screams as Mr. Krabs runs over
Squidward, crashes through the gate, runs into a
rock causing the
bed to flip him over
in front of his mattress. Guard worm growls)
Patrick: That guard worm doesn't look
very happy.
SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs!
Run like you're not in a coma!
Mr.
Krabs: (sniffs around) It's...me money! (guard
worm snarls as Mr. Krabs sends the worm into
the air and off the mattress) Oh,
money. I promise I'll never leave you alone again.
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs
jumps on his mattress and barks) No, Mr. Krabs,
it's us!
- 15 -
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Patrick: Trick or
treat.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hey SpongeBob. I
didn't recognize you. Say, why are you two dressed
like meat?
SpongeBob: Not just meat,
we're choice cuts. Right, Squidward?
Squidward: Oh, I give up. (guard worm
lands in Squidward’s arm snarling at him.
Squidward runs
off as the worm chases
him)
*Krabs vs. Plankton*
Dialogue
(Open on the Chum
Bucket. A clam crows like a rooster. Cut to a
close-up of Plankton's face. He
has his
eyes closed, and then slowly opens them to show
its veins.)
Plankton: (drearily) And so
passes another sleepless night, haunted by my
inability to steal even a
single Krabby
Patty. (Gets up and walks to his computer wife,
Karen)
Karen: Maybe today will be the
day?
Plankton: Thank you for your
patronizing words, computer wife. (Walks towards
the doors of the
Chum Bucket)
Karen: Do you even have a plan?
Plankton: Plan, shman. I'm going to
wing it. What's the worst thing that could happen?
(Bubbles
rise,
transitions
to
the
Krusty
Krab.
Plankton
walks
through
the
door.)
I'm
in.
That
was
easy.
Maybe
today
is
the
day
I'm
going
to
steal
the
Krabby
Patty
formula...(He
slips
and
falls
into
a
puddle of water)
SpongeBob: Careful, I just mopped
there.
Mr. Krabs: (Walks towards them)
Look at
you, Plankton. Once
again you've fallen flat on your
back
in a pathetic attempt to steal me formula. (Holds
a Krabby Patty in front of his face) Though
you've tried and tried, you haven't had
the smallest nibble of my delicious formula.
(Plankton tries
to bite it, but Mr.
Krabs takes it away) And you never will! (Laughs)
How do you sleep at night,
knowing
you're a complete failure? (Walks away laughing)
Male Customer #1: (Talking to the
person next to him, commenting on the wet floor
SpongeBob
was mopping) There really
should be a
Male Customer #2: Yeah, if
that were me who slipped, I'd sue old man Krabs
for all he's got.
Plankton: Does that
include the Krabby Patty formula?
Male
Customer #1: Of course.
Plankton:
(ponders the thought and then fakes an injury and
starts screaming) Oh, the pain! I can't
feel my arms and legs; I think they're
broken. I'll have to sue for my pain and
suffering.
Mr. Krabs: (bursting through
his office's door) Sue?!
Female
Customer #1: Oh, that looks bad.
Male
Customer #3: Uh-oh
Female Customer #2:
Poor little man.
(SpongeBob and Patrick
enter the frame and look at each other. Transition
to ambulance workers
carrying Plankton
in a gurney)
Mr. Krabs:
Wait! Hold up a second! Plankton, we don't need to
drag this little incident into court,
do we?
Plankton: Well...if
you transfer the Krabby Patty formula to me, I'll
forget your gross negligence.
Mr.
Krabs: Scoundrel! You'll have me formula when you
pry it from me lifeless claws!
Plankton:
(laughs
menacingly,
then
points
at
Mr.
Krabs)
See
you
in
court,
Krabs!
Uh,
I
mean...(stops pointing) oh the pain!
The deep-frying pain!
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(The
ambulance workers carry the gurney off and the
scene transitions to the inside of the Krusty
Krab. Mr. Krabs is pacing
back and forth, with Squidward and
SpongeBob near him.)
Mr. Krabs: I'm in
a blue ruin. I'm doomed!
SpongeBob:
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I will do whatever it
takes to keep the Krusty Krab formula
from getting into Plankton's evil
hands.
Mr. Krabs: What I really need is
a good lawyer.
(A lawyer with a gray
suit, hair parted to one side and wearing glasses
zooms into the frame)
Lawyer:
Hello,
did
somebody
say
(Holds
out
his
business
card)
Richard
A.
Bottomfeeder, Attorney at Law. I
couldn't help but notice that despicable display.
Mr. Krabs: So, uhh, how much is this
going to cost me?
Richard: Actually, I
won't charge you a dime unless we win.
(Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into American
dollar signs.)
Richard: In fact, I
think we should counter sue for everything
Plankton owns.
(Mr. Krabs' eyes turn
into gold bars. The weight on them makes him fall
over.)
Richard: (points at Mr. Krabs)
Does that happen a lot?
SpongeBob: No,
they're usually silver.
(Scene
transitions to SpongeBob strolling into Mr. Krabs'
office)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: What is it, lad?
SpongeBob: I thought you might want to
hear my testimony for when you call me as a
character
witness. I've been rehearsing
it.
Mr. Krabs: Actually, SpongeBob, we
won't be needing any testimony from
you. Why,
you'll be
more of a...(Richard whispers into his
ear) of a liability than an asset.
SpongeBob: But I...
Mr.
Krabs: Ah, run along. Make things ship-shape for
my victory celebration. I've got to get to the
courthouse early. There's only a few
free parking places.
(The lawyer grabs
his briefcase and walks outside the door with it.)
Richard: Oh, this is going to be a
slam-dunk...(he slips and falls on the floor)
SpongeBob: Oh no! Mr. Krabs' lawyer!
Speak to me!
Richard: (weakly)
Writhe...with pain...can't move.
SpongeBob: But what about Mr. Krabs's
case?
Richard: Looks like you're going
to have to handle this one, son.
SpongeBob: But, I'm a...a liability.
Richard:
Everything
you
need
to
win
(a
part
of
his
body
snaps)
is
in
this
here
case.
(shows
SpongeBob his
briefcase)
SpongeBob: (swipes the case
from him) Really? Everything?
Richard:
Uh huh. Everything but a suit.
SpongeBob: A suit? Ballad where I could
get a suit.
(Scene
changes
to
the
Bikini
Bottom
Court
House.
Mock
television
courtroom
cases
sounds.
Plankton in a wheelchair enters the
courtroom and precedes to Mr. Krabs)
Plankton: I'll give you one last
chance. I'll drop the charges if you give me the
formula.
Mr. Krabs: (yelling) Never,
you little runt! (The court audience gasps)
Plankton: (dramatically) Oww, oww! My
little arm! (Audience gasps)
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Mr.
Krabs: What? No. I didn't lay a claw on him.
Plankton: Oww! My other arm! (Audience
gasps)
Mr. Krabs: He's lying! Bah!
(Judge's gavel knocks and the two
proceed to their desk)
Bailiff: Court
will come to order. The Honorable Judge Tickleback
presiding.
Judge: Mr. Krabs, where is
your attorney?
Mr. Krabs: (hesitantly)
I don't know where he could be.
(The
courtroom
door
bursts
open,
with
SpongeBob
standing
there
in
a
gray
suit,
similar
to
the
previous lawyer's.)
SpongeBob: Here I am!
Judge:
Thank you for joining us, Mr....uhh...
SpongeBob: (placing his briefcase on
the desk) SpongeBob LawyerPants, your honor.
Mr. Krabs: (Through his teeth) What are
you doing here, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:
Your
lawyer,
umm,
fell
down
on
the
job,
but
don't
worry
Mr.
Krabs,
I
have
everything under control. It's uhh, all
in here (rubs his briefcase).
Mr.
Krabs: Really?
SpongeBob: Yep, right in
here. (tries to unlock the briefcase, but can't)
Mr. Krabs: Is there a problem?
SpongeBob: Umm...your lawyer didn't
give me the combination.
Lawyer: Is the
plaintiff ready to proceed?
Plankton:
Yes, your honor. I'll try. (Moves his wheelchair
to the jury box. He
the way there.) I
wasn't always the tortured shell of protozoa that
writhes in pain before you today.
(Starts crying) I was a vibrant,
carefree, happy-go-lucky, single cell.
(SpongeBob tries to split the briefcase
in half, but splits himself. Mr. Krabs leans
over.)
Mr. Krabs: Pull yourself
together, boy.
Plankton: Then came the
fateful day that
I paid an innocent
visit to the deathtrap known as the
Krusty Krab.
Mr. Krabs:
How's it coming lad?
SpongeBob: Don't
worry, Mr. Krabs. I'm on the case. (Takes a
kitchen knife and tries to pry open
the
briefcase)
Plankton:
Upon
entering
said
establishment,
I
found
myself
without
any
warning,
slipping
and
finally falling onto a
hard, unforgiving floor (SpongeBob continues with
the knife) that had been
intentionally
(the knife shoots him to the light on the roof)
covered with a viscous fluid.
(SpongeBob puts a bomb head on his
head)
SpongeBob:
Bombs
away!
(He
drops
onto
the
briefcase
like
a
bomb,
but
nothing
happens.
SpongeBob drops off
the desk and onto the floor.)
Plankton:
Are
you
quite
finished?
Well,
was
I.
Oh
yeah.
But
the
words
part
in,
my
dreams
of
completing of marathon like I promise
my old gramy, it be debt. I'm sorry, gram gram,
I'm sorry.
(crying) Thank you, for your
kind attention, suckers.
Judge: Is your defents, have in opening
statement.
SpongeBob: Yes,
your honor. Poor, gram gram!
(Transitions to Mr. Krabs on the stand)
Plankton: (presents a
Mr.
Krabs: It's a
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Plankton: Do you
own one?
Mr. Krabs:
Uhh...well...umm...No, I don't. (Everyone gasps)
No, no. You don't understand. I had to
make some tough business decisions and
the sign seemed so superfluous.
Plankton: No more questions.
(SpongeBob tries using a screwdriver to
open the case)
Judge: Your witness, Mr.
LawyerPants.
SpongeBob: Huh?
Judge: Sometime today, Mr. Pants.
SpongeBob: May it please the court,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client has
been called
cheap (Mr. Krabs starts
sweating), miserly and chronically tight-fisted.
But, if he were as cheap as
the
prosecution claims he is, would he be able to sit
there quietly, while I took out a dollar (takes
out
a
dollar)
and
dropped
it
in
a
blender
(drops
the
dollar
in
a
blender)?
(Mr.
Krabs
gasps.
SpongeBob presses the
Mr.
Krabs: No! No-ho-ho! (Runs and grabs the blender.
He starts grabbing the piece of shredded
dollar from the air) Daddy's got ya.
Daddy's here. (The jury talks amongst themselves)
A little glue,
a little tape. It'll be
right as rain. (He walks off, but then walks back
to pick up a stranded piece of
dollar)
Daddy didn't forget ya.
Judge: Does the
defense have any witness to call?
SpongeBob: Yes, your honor. Defense
calls Squidward to the stand.
Mr.
Krabs: (rests in his chair) Ahh, Squidward, a
loyal employee.
SpongeBob: Mr., uhh,
Squidward, is it? My client has been called cheap.
Would you agree with
the ludicrous
statement?
Squidward: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: What!
SpongeBob:
Allow me to rephrase the question. Can you tell
the court of some instance of Mr.
Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go
now? One day off in three years and I have to
spend it testifying? (The
jury talks
amongst themselves)
Mr. Krabs: (Looking
scared, he starts taking a nail and hammer and
tries to open the briefcase)
Must...open...case.
(Transition to SpongeBob question
something else)
SpongeBob: So it was
you who made the floor slippery, wasn't it?
(The questioned is a mop and does not
answer him)
SpongeBob: Answer the
question! Need I remind you that you, sir are
under oath?
Mr. Krabs: I'm doomed.
(Transition to SpongeBob still trying
to open the briefcase)
Mr. Krabs: You
may as well give up on that case, me boy. My goose
is cooked.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr.
Krabs, I'm surprised at
you.
We can't give up just because things
look
bleak. This trial will be won by
what's in your heart, not what's in this dumb old
case. (He hits the
case. The case then
opens up) It's open!
(They lift the
case.)
Mr. Krabs: It's...
(Shows that the thing inside the
briefcase is a Krabby Patty)
Mr. Krabs:
It's just his lunch. Or is it?
- 19 -
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(A light bulb moves out of SpongeBob's
head and starts glowing)
SpongeBob:
Defense calls Plankton to the stand.
(Later, when he's on the stand)
SpongeBob: Why did you go into the
Krusty Krab that day?
Plankton: To, you
know. Say hello to my once good friend, Mr. Krabs.
What?
SpongeBob: Are you sure it wasn't
to make off with one of these? (Shows Plankton a
Krabby Patty.
Plankton
starts
licking
his
lips.)
Gotcha.
Weren't
you
there
to
steal
the
formula
of
the
most
delicious, sweet smelling sandwich
known to Bikini Bottom? Krabby Patty.
Plankton:
(continuously
sweating)
Uhh...uhh...uhh
(tries
to
bite
the
sandwich,
but
SpongeBob
takes it away. He
takes off his fake casts) I can't take it! Gimme!
Gimme, gimme, gimme! (Jumps
for the
sandwich and grabs it. He starts running off,
yelping) Yippey! Finally, it's mine!
Mr. Krabs: (Grabbing the sandwich from
Plankton) I'll take that!
Plankton:
Huh? No, no!
Mr.
Krabs:
Once
again,
Plankton,
the
sweetest
of
life's
joys
has
eluded
your
grasp.
(Eats
the
Krabby Patty)
Plankton: No,
no, no!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Has the
jury reached a verdict?
Head Jury
Member: We have, your honor. We find the defendant
not guilty...but he is cheap.
Mr.
Krabs: Thank you, SpongeBob. I was foolish not to
accept your help from the beginning.
SpongeBob: That's ok, Mr. Krabs. I made
you a present.
Mr. Krabs: A present?
For me?
SpongeBob: Close your eyes and
hold out your hand. (Mr. Krabs does so. SpongeBob
gives Mr.
Krabs a
Mr. Krabs: Well, it'll do.
After all, it's free!
63.
*Have You Seen This Snail?*
Dialogue
(SpongeBob is carrying a big sack of
snail food)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Carrying this heavy bag of
snail food for Gary.
Patrick: How is
Gary?
SpongeBob: He's fine. Uh, Pat,
can we talk about this some other time? This snail
food is really
heavy.
Patrick:
Oh,
sure,
but
there
was
something
I
wanted
to
tell
you...something
important.
Oh,
I
remember.
Uh... (SpongeBob is gone) Who was I talking to?
SpongeBob: (puts the bag of snail food
down and notices the paper on the door) Ahoy,
Captain,
what have we here? It's a tiny
form letter.
will attempt to re-deliver
your package at our earliest
convenience.
My package. Whoopee! (takes
it inside while leaving the bag of snail food
outside) Oh, let's see
what we got
here. (cuts it open) My official Mermaid Man and
Barnacle Boy paddleball set. Whoo!
Yeah!
(grunts)
What's
this?
the
Dirty
Bubble
Challenge!
Hit
the
paddleball
29,998,559,671,349
times
in
a
row.
Dirty
Bubble,
wherever
you
float,
I
hereby
accept
your
- 20
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challenge. (takes the ball and hits it
on the paddle but it comes back and hits him in
the eye. Does
this a couple more times.
While he is doing this, Gary goes into the kitchen
and sees that his bowl
is empty. He
checks the time and it is snack time)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob:
(paddleball hits him in the eye again) Darn it.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What
was that?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, that distracting
sound came from you. I'm sorry I can't play with
you right
now. Mermaid Man needs me.
(when he tries the paddleball again, Gary
interrupts)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary, please! I'm trying to
defeat the Dirty Bubble. (when he lifts his
paddleball up,
Gary is attached to it)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: So,
let's get this straight, Gary. You don't want me
to defeat the Dirty Bubble. You
know,
Dirty
Bubble
--
terror
of
the
seven
seas,
arch
nemesis
of
my
favorite
TV
superheroes,
Mermaid Man and
Barnacle Boy, and apparently renowned paddleball
champion. (Dirty Bubble
on the box
laughs) Well, I for one, recognize the importance
of this undertaking. But whether or
not
you do remains to be seen. Now, if you don't mind,
I would like to get back to it. (Gary slithers
off)
Pets
-
sometimes
I
wonder
if
they
understand
a
word
you're
saying.
(Gary
jumps
on
SpongeBob’s face, making him run around
and scream) Gary, I hate it when you do that. Now
get!
(throws him away) And leave your
master to his important affairs. (Gary rolls into
his bowl and
sees a crumb of food left.
A bunch of spiders crawl out of it. Gary packs his
things) Hey, I got one!
Dirty Bubble,
say your prayers.
Gary: Meow. (Gary
slithers off away, down a river, and takes a bus
out of town. Cut to next day)
Patrick:
(drinks his coffee then eats the cup) I haven't
seen SpongeBob in a couple days. I'm sure
he'll be glad to know I remembered what
I wanted to tell him. (knocks on the door then
notices the
bag of snail food on the
ground) That's strange. Usually, I knock on the
with this hand. (walks in)
Hey,
SpongeBob, you around? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (muffled) Darn it.
Patrick: SpongeBob, is that you?
SpongeBob: (muffled) Oh, darn it. Darn
it.
Patrick: SpongeBob? (opens the door
to the galley to SpongeBob lying on the ground)
SpongeBob: Darn it. Darn it.
Patrick: SpongeBob, what happened?
(runs over to a picture of a krabby patty on the
wall) This
picture is crooked.
SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (looks at the
paddle) Darn it.
Patrick: Snap out of
it.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I...
Patrick: What is it, buddy? You can
tell me.
SpongeBob: I took the Dirty
Bubble challenge.
Patrick: You what?
(cries)
SpongeBob: Why are you crying,
Patrick?
Patrick: Because... many years
ago, I took that challenge.
- 21 -
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SpongeBob: Really?
Patrick:
Uh-huh.
SpongeBob: What happened?
Patrick: I won. But then I lost the
trophy they sent me.
SpongeBob: You
lost the...? That's terrible! Come on, Pat. Let's
have some kelp cookies and some
sea
horse milk -- that always cheers me up when I've
lost something. There you are, Pat-- fresh sea
horse milk.
Patrick: Thanks,
buddy.
SpongeBob: Hey, Pat, you ever
feel like you're forgetting something? Something
important? (trips
over Gary's bowl)
Hmmm. I think it has something to do with this
bowl. Gary's food bowl. That's
it -- I
gotta feed Gary. (gets the bag of snail food
outside) That's a lot of dust for a couple of
hours.
(brings
it
in
and
pours
it
in
Gary's
bowl)
Gary!
Dinner!
(takes
out
a
triangle)
Come
on,
Gary,
soup's on. Gary? Hey, Pat?
Patrick: Yeah?
SpongeBob:
How long was I taking the Dirty Bubble challenge?
Patrick: About a week.
SpongeBob: A week? Are you sure?
Patrick: Hmmm... well... (pours the
glass of milk upside down. It's solid milk) Yeah,
it's about a
week, maybe ten days.
SpongeBob:
Ten
days?
Gary!
(searches
all
over
the
house
for
Gary)
Gary?
Gary!
Gary?
Gary!
Gary! Gary! Gary! Patrick!
Patrick: Huh?
SpongeBob: I
can't find Gary. (cut to Gary slithering across
the sand. Echoing howls are heard.
Gary
looks at his stomach and it's howling at him. Gary
sneezes)
Gary: Meow. (cut to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: This never fails-- Gary's
favorite treats. Gary can't resist these babies.
They're filled
with eight types of
organic sediment that bottom feeders like Gary
can't get enough of.
Patrick: Eight?
SpongeBob: Yeah, something like that.
All
you really have to do is shake the
can. Gary comes
running every time.
Pat, try it. (Patrick shakes it but no noise) Let
me see that. (SpongeBob tries it
but no
noise) Hmm, I don't understand; this is a brand-
new... (Patrick belches. SpongeBob shakes
his belly and Patrick laughs)
Patrick: I only tasted six types of
sediment. (cut to nighttime where SpongeBob and
Patrick are
searching for Gary. Patrick
is shaking his belly)
SpongeBob:
Gary?
Gary!
Gary,
where
are
you?
Are
you
under
here?
(lifts
a
flower
up)
Gary!
Keep shaking, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh. (jiggles his belly)
SpongeBob: Gary!
Squidward:
What
are
those
Neanderthals
up
to?
Don't
they
know
I'm
busy
spoiling
myself?
(SpongeBob
and
Patrick
open
Squidward's
door
while
he
is
in
the
bathtub.
Squidward
screams
then pants)
SpongeBob: You
check over there. I'll check in here. (checks in
the bathtub Squidward is in) Find
him
yet, Pat?
Patrick: (pulls the sink out
from the wall, making water shoot out everywhere)
No, but I'll keep
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looking.
SpongeBob: But there's nowhere left to
look.
Patrick: There's one place we
haven't checked. (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick
standing in front of
a mailbox full of
letters)
SpongeBob: I doubt
Gary could fit in there.
Patrick: Can't
hurt to look.
SpongeBob: Here goes
nothing. (opens the mailbox and a bunch of letters
shoot out and a rolled
up paper falls
on the ground) Look, Pat!
Patrick: What
is it?
SpongeBob: Let's see.
life, but I must move on. Don't bother
to come looking for me. By now, I have probably
found a
new owner who actually
remembers to fill up my food bowl every now and
again. Sincerely, Gary.
At least until
my new owner renames me.
Patrick: What
do you mean? You drove him away. It's right there
in black and white. See? Right
there
and there.
SpongeBob: Gary. (cut to
Gary slithering into another town. A couple walks
by him laughing)
Fred: Are my pants too
tight, dear? (takes a bite out of his burger then
notices Gary outside and
closes the
blinds on the window in the diner. Gary slithers
along more until he stops and sees some
nachos in an alleyway. When he is about
to take a bite of it, three snails frighten him)
Snail #1: Look who came to dinner.
(Gary runs away)
Snail #3: Guess he
didn't like nachos. (Gary slithers away until he
runs into a dark figure)
Gramma: There
you are. (grabs Gary) There you are, Miss Tuffsy.
Oh, gramma finally found you.
She was
starting to get worried. Now let's get to your
home, Miss Tuffsy, and get you something
to eat. Hmmm. (shakes Gary) You feel
much lighter than Gramma remembers. (cut to
Gramma's
house where she is feeding
Gary cookies and putting an electric blanket over
him) There you go,
Miss
Tuffsy.
Gramma
knows
you
like
your
Mr.
Heaty
set
to
extra
cozy
when
you're
home
relaxing.
Gary: Mmm.
Gramma: Goodness,
you're almost out of cookies. Here, I'll go and
get some more. Now, don't you
go
running off again. (Gary looks around the house at
the beautiful things she has) There you go.
After this, I'll go make up some of
those deviled eggs I promised. (drops tray of
cookies) Oh, how
about
a
little
music?
Gramma's
got
a
killer
stereo
system.
(music
warbling
faster
as
Grammas
cranks. Gary continues to eat cookies
as jazz music begins to play) Oh, this song
reminds Gramma
or her days as a
riveter. (dances) You make Gramma feel so young.
Come on, Miss Tuffsy, let's do
the
boogie-woogie. (while doing the dance, she breaks
her back) Oh. (set Gary back on the chair)
Okay, oh, that's enough boogie-woogie
for now.
SpongeBob: Gary! Gary? Gary!
(looks into a hat store. On the reflecetion of the
window, a truck
with a picture of a
snail drives by and stops. SpongeBob turns around)
Gary! (truck's logo
says
Po
him cough)
Gary...! Oh... Gary! (fade out to Gramma and Gary
sitting on the couch
watching TV) Gramma knows how much you
love these late-night crime drama programs. Don't
you,
Miss
Tuffsys?
Oh,
heavens,
look
at
the
time.
It's
time
for
bed,
Miss
Tuffsys.
(when
Gary
jumps
off the couch, a picture of Spongebob comes out of
his bag)
Gary: (sadly) Meow.
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SpongeBob: Quiet, Gary! Can't
you see I'm busy? (Gary gives a raspberry. Gary
goes into a bright
and decorated room
with Gramma)
Gramma: Here's your room,
Miss Tuffsy.
Gary: (questioningly)
Meow?
Gramma: Here you are, darling.
Let Gramma tuck you in. There you go. Oh, I almost
forgot your
good-night kiss. Sweet
dreams, Miss Tuffsy. (walks out of the room and
claps twice to make the
lights go out.
Cut to next day at the
Krusty
Krab where SpongeBob is walking into
the Krusty
Krab on his knees)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! You're 15 minutes
late.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs, I
was out all night looking for Gary. You see, he
ran away and, well,
now I...
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, are you okay? You
look kinda...different.
SpongeBob: Well, I'm not exactly what
you'd call ok, Mr. Krabs. You see, my...
Mr. Krabs: (snaps fingers) Aha! You
just forgot to put your hat on. (puts his hat on
his head) Knew
I'd figure it out.
(SpongeBob’s tears drop on the patty)
Gary.
Customer: Yeah, I'd
like a refun for this Krabby Patty.
Mr.
Krabs: Refund?! What's wrong with it?
Customer: Oh, nothing really, except
it's covered in tears! (reveals that there are six
tears on the
patty)
Mr.
Krabs: What the...?
SpongeBob: Gary...
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! There's customers
out there, boy, waiting to be fed!
SpongeBob: This wouldn't be the first
time I disappointed someone who was hungry.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, why don't you
tell Mr. Krabs what's wrong.
SpongeBob:
Well, you see...
Mr. Krabs: (grabs
SpongeBob’s mouth) That's enough, boy. See it's
not always what you say that
matters.
Sometimes it's what you don't say. Understand?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs. I should've
told Gary how important he was to me.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't know what that
has to do with making Krabby Patties, but I do
know this:
any problem you have can be
solved with a little hard work.
SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: That's me boy!
SpongeBob:
If
I'm
going
to
find
Gary,
I'm
going
to
need
to
work
harder
at
it.
(cut
to
Patrick
sleeping on the
ground. A bunch of things fall on Patrick and wake
him up)
Patrick: It's the apocalypse!
Office products falling from the sky.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick. We're going to
use this stuff to go find Gary.
Patrick: But I thought you drove him
away with your neglect and indifference.
SpongeBob: Patrick, now is now the time
for talking. We've got work to do. (cut to Gramma)
Gramma: (squeezing orange juice from
the orange) There you go, Miss Tuffsy-- fresh
squeezed. It
takes longer to make it
that way, but it was a labor of love.
Gary: Meow.
Gramma: How
about a little more syrup on those pancakes?
(pours syrup on the pancakes. Then
takes the spoon and scoops up a bite
for Gary) Here comes the train. Hoo-hoo! (cut to
Gramma
and
Gary
in
the
car)
Set
phasers
on
fun,
Miss
Tuffsy.
(engine
revving,
tires
squeal
as
Gramma
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drives fast
over to Martha's Craft Zone) Oh, here we are.
(both walk inside. As soon as the door
closes, SpongeBob and Patrick arrive in
front with posters and tape)
SpongeBob: Here's a good spot. (puts a
poster on the door)
Love,
SpongeBob
Patrick: Hey, their having a
sale on scented pine cones.
SpongeBob:
Patrick, this is no time for that. (Patrick goes
in. SpongeBob sighs)
Patrick: Pine
cones, pine cones, pine cones.
Gramma:
These pipe cleaners are simply delightful.
Patrick: Old lady, quick. I'm looking
for the scented pine cones. It's an emergency!
Gramma: Well, I hope you weren't
looking to buy them, sonny, because Gramma already
picked
up all they had.
Patrick: Once again, you and I are kept
apart, oh sweet scented pine cones. Hey, Gary.
(walks out.
When he does, the posters
on the door are torn in half) Um...uhh...
SpongeBob: Come on, Pat, just take
these flyers and hand them out. (walk off)
Gramma: (walks out) Come on, Miss
Tuffsy, there's plenty more fun to be had.
Music:
Gary, now I know I was wrong
I messed up, and now you're gone
Gary, I'm sorry I neglected you
Oh, I never expected you to run away
and leave me
Feeling this empty
Your meow right now would sound like
music to me
Please come home, 'cause I
miss you, Gary
(Gary, come home...)
Gary, come home
(Gary, come
home...)
Gary, can't you see I was
blind
I'll do anything to change your
mind
More than a pet, you're my best
friend
Too cool to forget, come back
'Cause we are family
And
forgive me for making you wanna roam
And now my heart is beating like the
saddest metronome
Somewhere I hope
you're reading my latest three-word poem:
Gary come home
(Gary, come
home...)
Gary, come home
(Gary, come home...)
Gary,
come home
(Gary, come home...)
Gary, come home
(Gary, come
home...)
Ahh...
Gary, come
home
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Gary, come home
Gary, won't you come home?
Patrick: I want peanuts. (presses
button in the airplane)
SpongeBob:
Pat,
no!
(airplane
loses
control.
Both
scream
as
the
airplane
rides
through
the
message
in
the
sky
COME
HOME
and
changes
it
to
WILL
YOU
MARRY
ME?
Lady
Fish: Who is this 'Lisa' person?
Male
Fish: What? (female slaps him. Cut to Gramma
walking into her house)
Gramma: Gramma
will get a lovely meat loaf in the oven for you.
Gary: Meow.
Gramma: Don't
worry, it's no trouble at all. Easy to do. (Gary
smells his newspaper pile)
Gary: Meow.
Gramma: Oh, Miss Tuffsy, do you have to
go potty? Here, why don't you use this stack of
fliers
given to me
today by
a little chubby boy. (Gary reads all the fliers
that Spongebob and Patrick
made. Gary
imagines SpongeBob in a thought bubble)
SpongeBob: Gary, please
come back to me! Go, boy, go! (Gramma whistles)
Gramma: You stay right there. The
meatloaf is almost done. (Gary groans then
slithers over and
opens a closet door
to find a bunch of empty snail shells) Oh, dear.
The meatloaf is not quite ready
yet
but
Gramma
knows
how
hungry
you
are,
Miss
Tuffsy,
so
she
whipped
up
a
quick
batch
of
cookies.
(belt
on
Gary's
belly
snaps.
A
bunch
of
fat
breaks
through
his
shell.
The
snails
in
the
painting on the wall talk)
Snails: Run! (Gary strains to get out
of the shell pile but does and rolls toward
Gramma's cookie
plate and out the pet
door. She tries to throw cookies at him but they
get stuck in the door)
Gramma:
You
don't
want
cookies? Don't
fret,
I
made
a
batch
of
deviled
eggs,
too.
(Gary
looks
behind him and Gramma
is slowly walking behind him) Come back, Miss
Tuffsy. You don't want
these to go to
waste, do you? They were a labor of love. (Gary
hides behind some trashcans in the
alleyway) Oh, don't worry, Miss Tuffsy,
Gramma will find you.
Snail #3: Hey!
You're that guy who doesn't like nachos.
Gramma: Miss Tuffsy, I know you're back
there. I can hear your stomach growling. (Gary
pushes
the snail in Gramma's view)
Snail #3: Hey!
Gramma: Oh, there you are, Miss Tuffsy.
Snail #3: Who?
Gramma: You
must be starving. (Gary sighs deeply. Cut to
SpongeBob crying on his couch)
Patrick:
Just let it out, buddy. That's right.
SpongeBob: I can't cry anymore,
Patrick. When Gary left, he took all my tears with
him.
Patrick: Did you just say Gary?
SpongeBob, I just remembered earlier today at the
craft store, I
saw... these huge chunks
of balsa wood! They were
awesome!
SpongeBob: (sobs) Gary loves
balsa wood! (runs out) I got to try to forget
Gary. For some reason,
I can't get him
out of my mind. (look at the giant sign of Gary) I
blew it-- I really blew it. I took
you
for granted, Gary. I'm sorry! Don't just start at
me, say something! I'm talking to a billboard.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Now
I'm hearing things. If only I could see you one
more time so I could tell you
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how much I love you. If only I could
hear you meow one last time.
Gary:
(climbs on SpongeBob’s head) Meow.
SpongeBob: Yeah, like that. (Gary
purrs) Gary, your purring is making it hard to
forget you. Gary!
Oh, Gary! So, did you
hear any of that, or do I have to repeat myself?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob:
Okay,
good.
I
promise,
Gary,
things
are
going
to
be
different
between
you
and
I.
You'll see, pal. Now
let's go home and get you something to eat. You
must be starving.
Gary: (groans) Meow.
64. *Skill Crane*
Dialogue
(Outside the Krusty
Krab, a man is knocking on the doors)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a
suit wants to come in before we open.
Mr.
Krabs:
What?
Guy
in
a
suit?
No,
it's
a
tax
collector!
(jumps
inside
SpongeBob)
Hide
us,
SpongeBob! (takes the
register in with him) We'll just walk non-
schelauntly to the real exit. (man
knocks on the door again but holding up
a business card up)
Squidward: He's got a card. (reading
business card) R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending
Supplies.
Mr. Krabs: What? My machine
has arrived?! Oh, let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em
in.
R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in
boys.
Mr. Krabs: That's it, set her
down easy.
R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are
the keys, Mr. Krabs. Happy vending!
Squidward: What is it?
Mr.
Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the
krabby patty. Gentlemen, meet
SpongeBob: Ooh, skill crane.
Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this
thing will pay for itself in no time. Which
reminds me, step up
boys. First one's
free. (takes out two golden coins)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. (takes
coin)
Squidward: No thanks, I'll pass.
Mr. Krabs: C'mon Squidward. You know
you want to.
Squidward: (sighs) Ok, if
you insist. (takes coin and puts it in his pocket)
Thanks.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the
machine.
Squidward:
Alright,
alright.
(puts
coin
in
machine
and
moves
crane)
Oh
boy,
what
fun.
(crane
almost pulls out a dinosaur)
Skill Crane: You lose!
Squidward: Did you see that, SpongeBob?
I almost got that on my first try!
Mr.
Krabs: My work here is done.
Squidward:
They don't call me
'Manually
Dexterity' Tentacles
his
tentacles up and down and so does SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Well, why don't I give it a
try.
Squidward: Haha, good luck.
You'll...
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: It's a bear! I'm gonna call
you 'Beary'.
Squidward: Heh, beginner's
luck. Now it's the masters turn. (puts another
coin in and grabs a cat
but the crane
drops it)
Skill Crane: Loser!
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SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you
flipped him over. That takes an awful amount of
skill.
Squidward: Well thank you for
saying so.
SpongeBob: Beary says he's
getting lonely. Don't worry Beary I'll get you a
friend. (enters a coin
in the skill
crane)
Squidward: Ha! If you think
you're winning that thing again...
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: There ya go, Beary.
Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up
for you. You would've never won that without my
skill.
SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your
help, Squidward. (walks off)
Squidward:
Hmph. I bet I win at this thing I try. Now all I
have to do is... (thought bubble with Mr.
Krabs in it appears above Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this
thing pays for itself in no time.
Squidward: Ha! I'm not falling for that
malarkey. (later, Squidward is behind the
register)
SpongeBob:
(skill
crane
makes
the
sound
of
a
winner.
SpongeBob
walks
by
with
a
blue
prize
animal
from
the
skill
crane)
Hey,
Squidward.
(skill
crane
makes
the
sound
of
a
winner.
SpongeBob walks by
with a rabbit from the skill crane) Hey,
Squidward. (skill crane makes the
sound
of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed
pink prize animal from the skill crane)
Hey, Squidward. (laughing from the
kitchen) Ok, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Beary cooked
this one
all by himself. Oh, he makes
me so proud.
Skill Crane: (distinct
scratchy voice) Squid-ward. (crane swinging back
and forth) Squid-ward.
Squidward:
(sighs) What the...alright. Let's get this over
with.
Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
(takes Squidward’s dollar and gives him
fo
ur coins in exchange)
There ya are.
Squidward:
Gee, thanks.
Mr. Krabs: No, no Mr.
Squidward. Thank you. (Squidward inserts coin in
machine)
Skill Crane: You lose.
Mr. Krabs: Need some more change?
(gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on
losing
over and over, dollar after
dollar)
Skill Crane: You lose!
Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
Squidward: No.
Mr. Krabs:
What? Why?
Squidward: Because...I'm all
out of money!!
Mr. Krabs: All out
of...? Hmmm. (later, comes out of his office)
Boys, it's payday.
SpongeBob: (gasps)
But, Mr. Krabs, today is Monday.
Mr.
Krabs: What the...no it's payday me boy.
SpongeBob: Money, money, money, money,
money, money.
Mr. Krabs: I took the
liberty of turning your paycheck into quarters.
Just in case you wanna, oh I
dunno, do
laundry, buy a soda or something.
Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I
can't win one of those stupid things with (this)
quarter, I'm
walking away.
Narrator: Six hours later...
SpongeBob:
(Squidward
sitting
on
ground
with
empty
bag
over
head)
Pardon
me,
Squidward.
SpongeBear Junior here wants me to win
him a little brother. (Squidward scoots to the
side while
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SpongeBob inserts a
coin into the machine)
Skill Crane: You
are a winner. (two prizes come out)
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob:
Two
in
one
quarter?
That's
not
fair.
(puts
in
one
of
the
prizes)
What's
that
'frown
clown'? You'd rather
sit next to the 'lovely lion'? (takes the crane
and moves the prizes around)
There you
are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward.
Squidward:
(scoots
his
way
into
his
house
and
then
sits
on
his
couch)
A
little
mind-numbing
television ought to help me forget
about that stupid machine. (tries to pick up the
remote but every
time he tries, he is
unsuccessful. Uses his eye instead)
Yeahh!
(now
in
bed)
You
had
a
rough
day,
Squiddy.
But
that
doesn't
mean
tomorrow
won't
be
better. (tries to pull his covers but
he can't) Ooh, phooey!! (tries to pick up the
glass of water by
his bed but drops it
and breaks it) I gotta win that crane!!!!!!! (runs
through his closet door and
gets the
piggy bank. Later, SpongeBob enters the Krusty
Krab and freaks out at what he sees when
he enters) Just once. Please, oh
please, let me win one time.
SpongeBob:
Squid, I think you have a problem.
Mr.
Krabs: No he doesn't. You don't listen to him,
Squidward. You keep playing until you win!
(takes out all the quarters that were
put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A
piece of
rolled paper drops into the
bucket) What's this?
Squidward: The
deed to my house.
Mr. Krabs: Okie dokie
then. Carry on.
Squidward: (cries) If I
can just win once, I'd never play again.
SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you
the secret of how to win on this machine.
Squidward: (gasps) SpongeBob, there's a
secret?
SpongeBob: Mm-hmm.
Squidward: Tell me the secret.
SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a
winner?
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Squidward:
Yeah.
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob:
Yes?
Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?
SpongeBob: Ok, Squidward, ok. I face
the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my
eyes.
Squidward: Close your eyes?
SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I'm being
the crane.
Squidward: Oh, that's...
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: See? Now you try.
Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I
close my eyes, how will I know where the...
SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win
or not?
Squidward: (presses face
against machine) Yes, yes, I do.
SpongeBob: Ok, Squidward, put your
quarter in.
Squidward: But, this is my
last quarter.
- 29 -
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SpongeBob: In the
machine, Squidward.
Squidward: Ok-ok.
SpongeBob: Close your eyes. (Squidward
does) Now be the crane. (while SpongeBob is
telling
him this, Squidward is playing
the game) Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the
crane.
Skill Crane: Winner!
Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I
could do it. I'm a winner.
SpongeBob:
You're a winner.
Squidward: I am a
winner, aren't I? Winner, winner, winner! (twirls)
Winner. (over loud-speaker)
I'M A
WINNER EVERYBODY! YOU HEAR THAT?! (cricket chirps
due to the empty restaurant.
Squidward
goes into Mr. Krabs office) I'm...a winner.
Mr. Krabs: That's funny. Last time I
checked you were a cashier.
Squidward:
Yuk it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just
remember, you're yoking (looking) it up in
front of a winner. Ha!
Mr.
Krabs: I'll try to remember that. 3,498 of
Squidward's quarters. 3,499 of Squidward's
quarters.
SpongeBob: Triple decker, on
deck.
Squidward: (slams door in
SpongeBob face) Make way for the winner. (door
opens to SpongeBob
having the triple
decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion)
Skill Crane: You lose! (little kid
sighs)
Squidward: You didn't win the
prize?
Billy: No.
Squidward:
You know what that means?
Billy: No,
what?
Squidward: It means you have no
skills and you're a loser! (laughs) I'm a winner,
see my prize!
You're a loser who sits
and
cries! (billy kicks
Squidward in the leg) Ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! (later,
Squidward and SpongeBob
are walking out
the Krusty Krab) Did you see how I handled that
crane?
SpongeBob: I sure did.
Squidward: I just closed my eyes and
became the crane.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah,
you're the man.
Squidward: SpongeBob,
look. (a real crane is just a few yards away.
Squidward runs to it)
SpongeBob: Uhh,
Squidward I don't think the same principles apply.
Squidward: Be the crane.
SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. (picks up an
I-beam)
SpongeBob: He did it. Yay,
Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. Be
the crane. Be the...
Construction
Worker: You know this guy?
SpongeBob:
Yeah,
that's
Squidward.
He's
got
the
magic
touch.
(pokes
the
construction
worker)
Ding. (Squidward knocks a bunch of
buildings over with the I-beam) Tada! (notices the
mess) Ah!
Squidward, open your eyes.
Squidward: (opens eyes) Oh, uhh, be the
crane. Be the crane. (could not control crane)
Look out,
SpongeBob. I can't stop!
(crane chases after SpongeBob & workers) Be the
crane. Be the crane.
Be the crane.
Don't be the crane. Don't be the crane. (crane
spins around fast and heads towards
the
Krusty Krab destroying it)
- 30 -
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Mr.
Krabs: What the...?
Squidward: Oh my.
Oh my. Time to go, Teddy. (bumps into large
construction worker)
Construction
Worker: Just where do you think you're going,
crane master?
Construction Worker #2:
You ain't going anywhere.
SpongeBob:
(whistles) Hang on, buddy. I got ya. (uses crane
to get Squidward but instead gets his
prize) I guess I can only pick up toys.
Squidward: Uh-oh!
*Good Neighbors*
Dialogue
(everyone is sleeping until SpongeBob’s
foghorn alarm wakes them up)
Squidward: SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward.
Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you
doing in my house?
SpongeBob: I came to
make sure you don't oversleep and miss work.
Squidward: Oh gee, SpongeBob, that's
very thoughtful of you.
SpongeBob: My
pleasure, Squidward. That's what good neighbors
are for.
Squidward: You did overlook
one teensy little detail, however.
SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward?
Squidward: IT'S SUNDAY!! (kicks
SpongeBob out of his house) A good neighbor
doesn't bother
me on Sunday!
SpongeBob:
Sunday? No
wonder Squidward's
grumpy.
He
forget
his
Sundays
papers.
This
will
show
Squidward I'm a good neighbor. I'll bring it to
him. (breaks the string that holds the paper
together) Man this is heavy. (bumps
into Patrick) Oh, pardon me.
Patrick:
Hey, watch where you're going. Ah, newspaper
monster!!
SpongeBob: (throws paper in
the air) Wah, monster!! (both scream and run
around)
Squidward: Will you two
nincompoops kindly quiet down?! I'm not going to
let them ruin the rest
of
my
Sunday!
(hums)
My
Sunday
relaxation
kit.
(reaches
into
box)
Let's
see…pillow.
(puts
pillow
on
end
of
couch) Placed
ever
so
for
slight
foot elevation.
Flower--to
brighten
the
room.
Flower
fragrance. (sprays fragrance on flower. The flower
dies) Ah, and the final touch. (dials on
phone) Yes, I'd like to order the
Sunday special. Yes, pedicure and foot massage
house call, that is
correct. See you at
4 my good man. (hangs up phone) This is going to
be a heavenly day. Oh, I
almost forgot.
(grabs a box) Bon-bons. Hello there, heavensville
wonder. Take me on a chocolate
vacation. (SpongeBob & Patrick raise up
from behind the couch making noises. Squidward
spits
out his chocolate)
SpongeBob & Patrick: By the all seeing
eye, ye are worthy. We are not.
Squidward: What are you two idiots
doing?!
Patrick: Secret ritual.
SpongeBob: To inaugurate you as
president.
Squidward: Me? President of
Bikini Bottom? I knew the people would come to
their senses.
Patrick: No, silly. Not
the president of Bikini Bottom. Even better.
Squidward: Better?
SpongeBob: You're the president of 'The
Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge'.
Squidward: The what? Is this some
stupid club you two made up? (SpongeBob & Patrick
laugh)
Patrick: Maybe. (both laugh)
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SpongeBob: It's a secret. (both
laugh)
Squidward:
Fine!
As
my
first
presidential
decree,
why
don't
you,
uhh,
go
out
and
paint
all
the
leaves on the trees to
make the neighborhood look nicer? (pushing
SpongeBob & Patrick out the
door) Now
out, out, out, out, out, out. That oughta keep
them busy for a few Sundays. (when he
closes the door, SpongeBob & Patrick
appear from inside)
SpongeBob: What
colors should we paint the laves, your
presidentialocity?
Squidward: Polka
dots! Now don't bother me anymore.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Wow! Polka dots!
Patrick: Our new president is a genius!
SpongeBob: Yeah. (both laugh) See ya
later, Squidward! (now outside, a red paint can
drops on
the ground) Whenever your
ready, Patrick.
Patrick:
(Patrick
unscrews
SpongeBob’s
hat
which
turns
out
to
be
a
screw)
Hold
still,
buddy.
(pours the red paint inside SpongeBob’s
hole. When he is done, he throws the can away and
ends
up hitting an elderly citizen
riding a bike. Patrick screws the hat back in)
SpongeBob: Ok, Pat, gimme a quick
shake.
Patrick: Okie dokie. (Patrick
shakes SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: OKAY! I'm
ready! (Patrick grabs SpongeBob’s arm and uses it
like a slot machine.
Drops
of
red
paint
come
shooting
out
SpongeBob’s
holes
and
onto
trees)
Hey,
that
worked
perfectly! C'mon,
good neighbor Patrick, let's paint the town polka
dot!
Squidward: (clock on wall is
ringing noon) Oh, no! It's already noon! I will be
darned if I let those
morons eat up
anymore of my valuable Sunday!
SpongeBob
&
Patrick:
(outside
one
of
Squidward’s
windows
singing)
Good
neighbors
are
we!
La-la-la-la-la-la!
Squidward: What's going on out there?
SpongeBob: Hi, president Squidward!
Almost done painting the-
(Patrick
pulls on SpongeBob’s
arm which makes
the paint sho
ot out his holes and all
over Squidward’s face and in his eyes)
Squidward:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MY
EYES!!
(runs
around
bumping
into
stuff.
Runs
outside and in front of a car)
Lady: Look out! (car slams on brakes
and stops in front of Squidward)
Man:
Oh, you poor man!
Lady: You must be
very sick! Let us take you to the hospital.
Squidward: No really, I'm fine. Please,
I…no, uhh… (car drives off)
SpongeBob & Patrick: See ya later,
neighbor!
Patrick: It is a lovely day
for a ride in the country.
SpongeBob:
Yeah, our president sure knows how to live.
(later) I'd like to call this meeting of the
good
neighbor
lodge
to
order.
Let's
begin
with
role
call:
Patrick.
(Patrick
is
snoring)
OK…Squidward? (Squidward’s chair is
empty) Squidward? Squidward, you home?
Patrick: Did you find him, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Nope. I guess he's still on
his Sunday drive.
Patrick: Or maybe
he's on a secret mission!
SpongeBob: I
hope he's not in danger! As members of the good
neighbor lodge, we are sworn to
protect
our presidente from danger.
Masseur:
Excuse
me?
Somebody
ordered
a
relaxing
pedicure
and
foot
massage?
The
Sunday
special?
-
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SpongeBob: Other star, we better check
this guy out. Make sure he's safe for Squidward.
Squidward: At least I still have my
Sunday pedicure to look forward to. (SpongeBob &
Patrick are
laughing inside Squidward’s
house. Squidward opens his front door) What are
you two doing in
my house?
SpongeBob: We're checking to make sure
this guy really is a certified foot masseur and
not some
kind of assassin.
Patrick: I say he checks out a-ok!
SpongeBob:
Squidward,
have
you
ever
seen
more
lovely
French
tips?
(shows
foot
with
long
toenails)
Squidward:
French
tips,
huh?
(shoves
SpongeBob
to
the
side)
Alright,
pal,
make
with
the
foot
massage, pronto.
Masseur: Uh-oh. Sorry. Your hour's up.
Squidward:
(makes
way
toward
the
front
door)
Alright,
you
two!
OUT!
And
don't
even
think
about
dragging your empty skulls around here for the
rest of the day. Or tomorrow or next week.
SpongeBob: Squidward, does that
include…
Squidward: YES, IT
DOES! (closes door)
SpongeBob: Gee,
Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell
us something?
Squidward:
(busts
head
through
the
door)
Yes
I
was!!
You
call
yourself
good
neighbors.
But
You're the worst
neighbors, ever! You don't deserve to wear those
fuzzes!!! (takes SpongeBob &
Patrick’s
hats and stomps them into the ground)
SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, maybe president
Squidward's right.
Patrick: Yeah, I
guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
Squidward:
No,
you
aren't!
You're
horrible
neighbors!
(deep
breath)
And
stop
calling
me
president!
SpongeBob: (to
Patrick) C'mon, let's go.
Squidward:
There are only 3 hours of my Sunday left. They
took it all away. I didn't even get to
read the Sunday paper. (notices pile of
paper on ground with a note on it)
SpongeBob: ('Here's Your Sunday Paper
Squidward. Enjoy. Love, SpongeBob.') (Squidward
kicks
the paper into the air then
growls like a dog. Then he takes the paper off his
head)
Squidward: Good neighbors my
right! (reads paper) Hello?
Security
System 5000.
Free
Installation
Later, has the security
system built in and
turned on)
Security System: System Activated.
Squidward: That ought to do it! Let's
see those imbeciles get in here now!
SpongeBob: (walks up to Squidward)
President Squidward?
Squidward:
(screams) What the…?!
SpongeBob: We hereby present you with
this delicious cake.
Squidward:
(reads
writing
on
cake)
for
bugging
you
so
much
What
the…?
Security
system, help!
Intruder alert! Intruder alert! What's the matter
with you?!
Security System: No threat
detected.
Squidward: (banging on
security system) No, you infernal contraption! I'm
gonna ship you off to
the scrap heap
you came from!
Security System: Threat
detected. (system shoots a laser at Squidward
which makes SpongeBob &
Patrick’s cake
fly into the air and land on the system and makes
it go haywire)
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Squidward: What's going on?
Security System: Threat detected. Code
red! Core red!
SpongeBob:
(laughing
as
fireworks
are
shooting
out
all
over
Squidw
ard’s
house)
It's
like
a
carnival ride.
Squidward:
(running
around)
Run
for
your
lives!
(Squidward’s
house
suddenly
grows
legs
and
arms and
stands up. Then grabs Squidward from inside) What
are you doing?! (Squidward’s house
kicks him into the air and walks off) I
only have half an hour of me time left, and the
idiots took
my house. Which means those
boobs aren't around to bug me. Ooh, just what I've
been waiting for.
(laughs
hysterically)
I'm
going
to
relax
if
it
kills
me.
(meanwhile,
Squidward’s
house
is
on
a
rampage)
Army: Fire! (tank
fires a missile at the house but the house catches
the missile and flicks it away.
Then
the house grabs the tank and squishes it)
Patrick: Wow! Squidward’s house is
destroying the neighborhood!
SpongeBob: We gotta turn this thing
off! (turns on a light switch) Nope, not it.
Patrick: (flushes the toilet) Nope.
SpongeBob: (turns on the fan) Nope.
Patrick: (pushes the toasted button
down) That's not it, either.
Squidward:
(still
resting)
This
Sunday
relaxation
really
hits
the
spot.
(house
stands
right
above
Squidward)
SpongeBob: Hmmm,
where to look. (notices an
seems
suspicious. (pushes button and house sits on top
of Squidward and goes back to normal) We
did it, Patrick! (Squidward busts
through from beneath the floor) President
Squidward?
Squidward: No-no, don't say
anything more. This was all my fault. I was the
one who wanted to
relax on Sunday. Now
if you'll be so kind to leave so I can get ready
for work tomorrow.
SpongeBob: Mr
President S…but we just wanted
to…
Squidward: GET OUT OF MY
HOUSE!
Scooter: There he is! (a whole
crowd is standing outside Squidward’s
house)
Citizen: Are you the
owner of this house?
Squidward: Yes,
yes I am.
Citizen: Then on behalf of
the citizens of Bikini Bottom, I present you with
this summons to pay
for the destruction
of our town. You'll be doing community service
every Sunday for the rest of
your life.
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob:
Hey, Squidward, you got one of those, too?
(SpongeBob & Patrick walk
up with a
summons in their hand) This'll be
great! The three of us cleaning up Bikini Bottom.
Well, see ya
next Sunday, president
Squidward!
65. *Selling
Out*
Dialogue
(Inside the
Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is counting money at
the register until he feels a rumble
coming from outside)
Mr.
Krabs: Here they come, lads.
SpongeBob:
Hooray!
Squidward: Fantastic. (crowd
comes rushing in running over Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: Thank you very much, madam.
(Mr. Krabs pushes the key to open the cash box
over
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and over) I feel so alive!
Music:
Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaring
Money, oh money, how I love thee
Cha-ching. Cha-chong. Cha-changaroo
From pennies to dollars. Any amount
will do
Cha-ching. Cha-ching. It's no
contest
There's only one thing that I
love the best
From every sight I ever
seen. To sweetest sound I've heard
I'd
gladly give up everything for all the money that
I've earned
Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-
chingaring
There's nothing on earth
like the feeling of greed
There's
nothing on earth like the feeling of greed
Squidward: Please don't do that again.
Howard:
(walks
in
the
Krusty
Krab)
I
think
the
stain
glass
barstool
can
go
over
here.
And
the
suede hand carved wooden
sports flag display case can go over there.
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, matey. Can I
help you gentlemen with something?
Howard: I'd like to speak to the owner.
Mr. Krabs: Who wants to know?
Howard:
Allow
me
to
introduce
myself.
Howard
Blandy:
President
of
the
Blandy
Franchising
Company.
Mr.
Krabs:
Howard
Blandy?
You
mean
(the)
Howard
Blandy?
The
Howard
Blandy
that
masterminded the
ruthless takeover of every small family owned
business in Bikini Bottom? That
Howard
Blandy? (gets on hands and knees) I worship you.
(cries)
Howard: Get it together, little
man.
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, it's just, uhh,
you're rich. (laughs) I'm Mr. Krabs. To what do I
owe the honor of
having you at the
Krusty Krab, Howard?
Howard: What would
it take to buy the Krusty Krab from you?
Mr. Krabs: Buy the Krusty Krab? It's
not for sale. You know, I may not make as much as
your
fancy-schmancy-migger restaurant
chain, but it's the blood, sweat, and tears of a
hard days work.
It's not about the
mon... (suitcase full of money is shown to Mr.
Krabs) Holy mother of pearl! I
like the
way you think, Blandy. But it's gonna take a lot
more than a suitcase of cash to buy the
Krusty Krab from me.
Howard:
Oh, there's a lot more than that. The rest is over
there. (points to a boat full of suitcases
with money)
Mr. Krabs:
Jumpin' King Neptune! Sold. Can I have my money?
Howard: Just one thing. If you can sign
this contract. It just states that you relinquish
the Krusty
Krab
and
all
proprietary
ownership
thereof. Along
with
its
employees,
merchandise,
logos,
and
cash
registers.
Mr. Krabs: Do I still get
the money?
Howard: Of course.
Mr. Krabs: That'll be fine then. (signs
contract) Here you go. Now gimme gimme gimme
gimme.
(holds suitcase up in the air)
Whoo-ha! See ya around. (walks out the Krusty
Krab. Contractors &
painters come in
remodeling)
- 35 -
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SpongeBob: What's
happening? Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, they're putting
up pennants in the Krusty
Krab. What's
going on?
Mr Krabs: I'm retiring.
SpongeBob: Retiring?
Mr.
Krabs: I'm free to do whatever I want. I can learn
to ride that bicycle I got 30 years ago. Or go
to the new hook museum downtown. Or
even paint bowls of fruit. Aren't you happy for
me?
SpongeBob: I sure am!
Mr. Krabs: So long, boys.
SpongeBob: Have fun, Mr. Krabs. (cries)
Carl: Hi, gentlemen, I'm Carl. I'll be
your new manager.
SpongeBob: New
manager?
Carl: I think you'll find
working at the Krabby O' Mondays to be a both
learning experience and
enjoyable one.
SpongeBob: Krabby O' Mondays?
Carl: (takes away their Krusty Krew
hats) You won't be needing these anymore. (hands
them new
clothes)
Now
here
are
your
new
uniforms
and
here
are
the...
(hands
them
heavy
books)
new
manuals. See ya first thing tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: (driving boat and smelling
the air) The sweet smell of a brand-new day. First
stop: the
new
hook
museum.
And
then
maybe
I'll...
(sees
new
Krabby
O'
Mondays)
Hey,
a
Krabby
O'
Mondays? Not the name I would've
chosen. But that's all behind me now. (later, Mr.
Krabs is at
the Hook Museum listening
to the story narrator about a 3 prong hook. Then
he is at his home
painting a bowl of
fruit, which he actually paints a bowl of Krabby
Patties. Then he is playing golf)
Wait
a minute, I hate golf! (now laying in his bed at
home) Well, I've done everything I wanted to
do. And it's not even noon.
Pearl: (on phone) Did you see the shoes
she has on? So last year. (laughs. Notices her
father in the
doorway) Hold on, Gina.
Yeah, dad?
Mr. Krabs: How's it going?
Pearl: Fine.
Mr. Krabs:
Whatcha up to?
Pearl: I'm talking on
the phone!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, really?
Pearl: Really.
Mr. Krabs:
Oh.
Pearl: Dad, isn't there something
you need to do?
Mr. Krabs: Actually, I
was hoping you and I could do something together.
Pearl: Get out! That's it, dad. Get a
job, get a hobby, or get some friends.
'Cause I can't
take it
anymore!(she slams the door)
Mr. Krabs: (using metal
detector on the beach) Find some friends she says.
Find a hobby she says.
Get a job she
says... (runs into a window with a
'Help
Wanted' sign) Help
wanted? (walks into
Krabby O' Mondays)
Squidward: Ahoy there, mateys. Welcome
to Krabby O' Mondays.
Kid: It's my
birthday.
Squidward: Can I start you
off with...
Mother: Will you sing the
Krabby O' Mondays birthday song to my special
little man?
- 36 -
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Squidward: Happy,
happy birthday. (sighs) Happy, happy bir...
Carl:
Uhh,
Squidward,
can
I
talk
to
you
for
a
second?
What's
our
motto
here
at
Krabby
O'
Mondays?
Squidward: Sincere service with a
smile.
Carl: Well, yes, but with the
Krabby O' Mondays spirit. Now, Squidward, you
wouldn't want to
have to talk to human
resources... (big strong guy steps out) ...would
you? So, what's our motto
again?
Squidward: Sincere service (slaps self)
with a smile!
Carl: Now you're gettin'
it.
Mr. Krabs: (in kitchen cleaning
dishes) Morning, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, what are you doing here?
Mr.
Krabs: Retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be.
So, I'm the new bus boy. (whistles as he sees
SpongeBob with a big smile) Uhh, ok
son, you're starting to creep me out.
SpongeBob: (clings to Mr. Krabs) I knew
you'd come back, Mr. Krabs, I just knew you would.
Mr. Krabs: Ok, boy, back to work.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir.
Mr.
Krabs: I'm not your boss anymore. Just call me
Eugene.
SpongeBob: Aye aye...Eugene.
(giggles)
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, Squidward.
Squidward: Ahoy, Eugene! Would you mind
clearing this table for me?
Mr. Krabs:
Sure, Squidward. Ya know, I've never seen you this
happy.
Squidward: They're watching us.
Mr. Krabs: That guy's a real pain in
the hine-quarters, eh Squiddy?
Squidward: Uhh, Eugene, I think you
need to look at page 20 of our employee handbook
again.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I don't need
Carl's silly rules.
Squidward: I really
think you should look. (pointing to a message)
Mr. Krabs: What's this? Help me.
Carl: Hey, fellas, what's going on over
here?
Squidward:
Oh,
hey
Carl,
uhh,
I
was
just
reminding
Eugene
about
article
24
section
3
of
our
employee handbook.
Carl: Cut the chatter and pick up a
platter. Great job, Squidward.
Mr.
Krabs: What have you done to the real Squidward?
Carl: The less you know, Eugene, the
better.
Mr. Krabs: What's going on
around here? Where's SpongeBob? (in the kitchen,
Krabby Patties are
being
made
in
a
different
way
through
an
oven
and
spray
painted
to
make
it
look
like
a
real
Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob: (takes a Krabby Patty from
the basket) Where's the love?
Mr.
Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the Krabby
Patties?
SpongeBob: I tried to tell
them but they wouldn't listen to me.
Mr. Krabs: This is obscene. (walks out
of the kitchen) Carl, I need to have a wor...
Cash Register: Your change is $$1.75.
Mr. Krabs: Automated cash
register? Noo!!! (eyes roll back in his head) Hey,
Carl, what have you
done to me
restaurant? Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized
registers?
Carl:
Look
around
you.
our
customers
are
quite
content
with
the
contrive
and
the
mediocre.
- 37 -
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(customer falls asleep)
Mr. Krabs: That's because they don't
know what they're eating. (grabs a pile of cow
dung from the
Krabby
Patty
making
machine
then
walks
up
to
a
customer)
Excuse
me,
ma'am,
do
you
know
what's in that Krabby Patty you're
eating?
Customer: No. (Mr. Krabs shows
pile of the cow dung. Customer runs out)
Mr. Krabs: See that, without all your
smoke & mirrors, no one would stomach this
garbage.
Edward: What'd he say?
Garbage? (customers notice what’s in the Krabby
Patties and everyone
runs out)
Carl: Eugene, you're in violation of
your contract.
Mr. Krabs: Rules. Here's
a rule for ya. People can't eat stain glass
barstools. (throws barstool into
the
big screen TV) I'll show you automated. (takes
cash register and shoves it in the Krabby Patty
making machine)
Carl: Mr.
Blandy? Code red. Free thinker.
Howard:
Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?
Mr.
Krabs: You better believe there's a problem. I
used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy.
But
after
seeing
this,
I
wouldn't
even
spit
in
your
direction.
Krabby
Patties
are
supposed
to
be
made by hand. One at a
time. Not on a conveyor belt. (Krabby Patty
machine blows and spews out
garbage
everywhere)
Carl: Oh, my. (floating
away in the garbage) Does this mean I won't get
that raise, sir?
Howard: It's ruined!
Friend: We'll have to sell it. we'll be
lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it.
(Mr. Krabs
drives up with boat full of
suitcases)
Mr. Krabs: I'll buy it for
full price.
Friend: Sold. We won't be
needing your contract anymore. (rips up contract)
Nice doing business
with you.
Mr. Krabs: Pleasure's all mine. Now get
out of me restaurant. (laughs) We did it, boys.
The Krusty
Krab is ours again. Ya know,
in a fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed
the restaurant, scared
away all our
customers, and forced us into bankruptcy
because I returned nearly every penny
I
sold this stink heap for,
but it was all worth it. And I got back the love
of my dear friends.
Squidward: Really,
Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: No, not really.
Get back to work. (pushes the key to open the
register and ends with
dollar signs)
*Funny Pants*
Dialogue
(Squidward is
sleeping until SpongeBob knocks on the door
causing him to wake up)
SpongeBob: Oh,
Squidward!!
Squidward: (opens his
window) What do you want, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Time for work, Squidward.
Another day, another dollar. (laughs)
Squidward: More like another nickel.
SpongeBob:
(laughs)
Good
one,
Squidward.
(scene
cuts
to
Squidward
and
SpongeBob
walking
down the street and
SpongeBob is laughing) Another day, another
nickel. (laughs)
Squidward: It's not
that funny.
SpongeBob:
It's
funny
because
it's
true!
(laughs.
Scene
cuts
to
SpongeBob
clinging
on
to
Squidward’s legs as they walk into the
Krusty Krab)
- 38 -
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Squidward: Move over. (flicks SpongeBob
off his legs and into the kitchen)
SpongeBob: (peaks through the kitchen
window) Nickel. (laughs)
Squidward:
(brings
food
tray
over
to
a
customer)
Here's
your
food.
(SpongeBob
is
laughing
behind him)
It's not that
funny! (slams
tray down) Please make it stop! (SpongeBob is
running
into the kitchen then out of
Mr. Krabs office still laughing. Scene zooms into
Squidward with a
bunch
of
Sp
ongeBob’s
laughing
around
his
head.
Scene
cuts
to
Squidward
flipping
the
'OPEN'
sign
to 'CLOSE' then walking out of the Krusty Krab
with SpongeBob still laughing. Squidward
enters his house then shuts the door in
SpongeBob’s face)
SpongeBob:
Ok, Squidward, see ya tomorrow. (laughs. Scene
cuts to morning at the Krusty Krab)
Customer #1: And always check for spare
change.
SpongeBob: Another day,
another...nickel! (brings food to customer) 2
Krabby Patties.
Customer #2: Thanks,
kid.
SpongeBob: Another day, another
nickel.
Customer #2: Oh. (3 of them
laugh)
Squidward: He's gone laughing
tormentor. (SpongeBob continues to laugh but every
few seconds,
he gets an ache in his
side and Squidward takes notice of this) This
could be my chance. (enters
kitchen)
SpongeBob, you don't look well!
SpongeBob: I don't?
Squidward: No. You should sit down.
SpongeBob: But...
Squidward:
(sticks
a
cooking
thermometer
in
SpongeBob's
mouth)
Shh,
shh,
shh.
(feels
his
forehead) You're burning up, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I am?
Squidward: Tell me, SpongeBob, have
your sides been hurting?
SpongeBob: Yeah, a little.
Squidward: And your temperature is 175
degrees?
SpongeBob: Is that bad?
Squidward: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Unless you've been doing a lot of laughing.
SpongeBob: I have been laughing a lot,
lately.
Squidward: (gasps) SpongeBob,
you've got to be careful! You're gonna burn out
your laugh box.
SpongeBob: My laugh
box?
Squidward:
Yes,
it's
the
part
of
your
body
that
enables
laughter.
If
you
use
it
too
long
without
giving it a break, it burns out and you
can never laugh again.
SpongeBob: Is
that what happened to you, Squidward?
Squidward: Yes. What? No! Listen,
SpongeBob, this is serious. If you burn your laugh
box you
live your whole life without
ever laughing again. (scene cuts to Sandy walking
up to Patrick)
Sandy: Hey,
Patrick, you wanna hear a joke?
Patrick: Sure, Sandy.
SpongeBob: (in a lung capacity machine)
Sure, I'd love a good laugh.
Sandy:
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
(Sandy and Patrick laugh normally while
SpongeBob’s laugh is robot sounding.
Sandy and Patrick walk away with a sigh of
disgust)
SpongeBob: I don't
wanna burn out my laugh box, Squidward.
Squidward:
Well,
the
most
important
thing
is
to
stop
laughing.
Any
laugh
at
all
could
be
dangerous.
- 39 -
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SpongeBob:
How long do I have to avoid laughing?
Squidward: Gosh, SpongeBob, I'd say at
least for the rest of the day. But you better go
24 hours
just to be safe.
SpongeBob:
Thank
you
so
much,
Squidward!
I
don't
know
what
I'd
do
without
you!
(later
SpongeBob is walking out of the Krusty
Krab) A day without laughter is a small price to
pay to
save my laugh box from utter
destruction. I must remain vigilant. (looks over
to his right) Nothing
funny over there.
(looks over to his left) Nothing funny over here.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how's it
going?
SpongeBob: (notices banana peel
in front of Patrick on the ground) Patrick, banana
peel, don't!
Patrick: What'd you say?
(slips on banana peel)
SpongeBob: Oh,
no. (tries to keep from laughing)
Patrick: Hey, what the... (slips on
banana peel again)
SpongeBob: Wait a
minute, Patrick! (Patrick slips on the banana peel
again) Please stop!
Patrick: Right foot
first...
SpongeBob: Wait, Patrick, I
can't laugh.
Patrick: You can't? Oh, I
know what to do! (Patrick makes a sound with his
lips and SpongeBob
runs away trying not
laugh) That usually knocks him out. (slips on the
banana peel again)
SpongeBob: (runs
behind a building) Get a grip on yourself,
SpongeBob. You're in control. (steps
on
a whoopee cushion) Just back away from the whoopee
cushion, SpongeBob. (steps on another
whoopee cushion. He gasps) They're
everywhere. Everywhere!
Delivery
Fish:
Look
out
for
that
pie
truck!
(pie
truck
crashes
into
the
whoopee
cushion
truck.
SpongeBob laughs a
little as the big pie on top of the truck falls on
the driver)
SpongeBob:
I
gotta
get
outta
here.
(runs
out
of
the
Bikini
Bottom
city
limits)
There's
nothing
funny
up
here.
But
just
to be
safe...
(digs
himself
a
hole
to
bury
himself
in
overnight.
It's
now
daytime) Ah, I made it
24 hours without laughing. (tries to laugh but
produces a weird deflating
sound
instead)
That's
odd.
(produces
the
deflating
sound
again)
I've
lost
my
laugh.
Ahh!
(runs
back
into Bikini Bottom) I've lost my laugh! Ahh!
(knocks on Patrick's rock)
Patrick: Hi,
SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's terrible,
Patrick. I can't laugh anymore!
Patrick: What happened?
SpongeBob: I went a whole day without
laughing and now my laugh is gone.
Patrick: Let me take a look. (inserts
his head into SpongeBob’s mouth) Hmmm, it's dark
in here.
I
better
light
a
match.
(smoke
fills
SpongeBob
and Patrick
can't
get
him
off
his
head
so
he
runs
around screaming. Later, at the Krusty
Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Come in.
SpongeBob: (crying) Mr. Krabs...?
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong,
boy?
SpongeBob: I lost my
laugh.
Mr. Krabs: You've come to the
right place, son. Ya know, there's one thing that
always makes me
laugh. (both look at
money but only Mr. Krabs laughs) Don't it just
tickle you, boy?
SpongeBob: Not really.
Mr. Krabs: This calls for drastic
measures. I don't usually do this but you seem
desperate. touch it.
SpongeBob:
(touches money) Nothing.
Mr. Krabs: Oh,
this is worse than I thought. After all, money is
the ultimate source of joy.
- 40 -
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SpongeBob: Maybe I should ask Sandy.
She's a scientist. (later at Sandy's tree dome)
Sandy: Oh, it's easy if you approach it
scientifically, SpongeBob. Now, what is laughter?
SpongeBob: The thing that used to give
my life meaning and purpose but now mocks me with
its
cruel indifference.
Sandy: (pulls down a chart of the body)
But scientifically speaking, its caused by your
epiglottis
constricting your larynx
causing irregular air intake and respiratory
upset.
SpongeBob: Sounds painful.
Sandy: Science makes everything sound
painful, SpongeBob. (hands SpongeBob a bunch of
books)
Now, here's a humor theory
textbooks, laugh mechanics, and the quantum giggle
theory.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Sandy.
Squidward: Ah, it sure is peaceful
around here since SquarePants became a sad sack.
SpongeBob:
I
read
all
the
books
and
still
nothing.
I
guess
I'll
never
laugh
again.
(moans
and
groans into his pineapple)
Squidward:
I
really
hate
to
see
the
little
guy
sad
but
not
as
much
as
I
hate
to
see
him
happy.
(laughs)
Narrator: Later that same evening.
Squidward: (hears SpongeBob crying) I
think I found the one thing I hate more than his
laugh. I'm
sure he'll cry himself out
soon. (night turns into day as Squidward’s tiki
plugs up its ears) What
have I done?
(SpongeBob cries a river into Squidward’s house
causing it to flood him outside) Oh,
that's it! This cha
rade has
to end. (knocks on SpongeBob’s door)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: SpongeBob, this infernal
crying has to stop.
SpongeBob: But
Squidward, I...I broke my laugh box. (sprays a
fountain of tears into Squidward
face)
Squidward: SpongeBob, there is no such
thing as a laugh box! I made the whole thing up to
get
some peace from your insipid
laughter.
SpongeBob: You mean...my
laugh box isn't broken and it was a cruel lie that
sent me into spiral
depression.
Squidward: Uhh, well it sounds pretty
harsh when you put it that way, but yes.
SpongeBob: I could laugh the whole
time?
Squidward: Yeah. (both laugh) You
really fell for it.
SpongeBob: I guess
I did.
Squidward: You even fell for the
ol' thermometer in the boiling oil routine.
(laughs)
SpongeBob: (stops laughing)
It's really not that funny, Squidward.
Squidward: It's hilarious!
SpongeBob: See ya later, Squidward.
(goes into his house)
Squidward: (still
laughing) Break your laugh box! What a schlemiel.
(has a laughter breakdown.
Two
paramedics come take him to the hospital)
Patrick: Look, he's waking up.
Squidward: Where am I?
Sandy: You're in the hospital, silly.
You broke your laugh box.
Mr. Krabs:
The doctor said it was the most tiny, dried-out,
underused laugh box he ever laid eyes
on.
Patrick: So they cut it
out.
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Squidward: Cut it out?
Patrick: Yeah, wanna see it? (holds up
jar with Squidward’s laugh box in it) It's fun to
shake it up
and watch it bounce around.
Squidward: Ahh! Gimme that. (takes the
jar from Patrick) Ohh! I can never laugh again?
Replacement Doctor: Nonsense. Your
laugh should be stronger than ever.
Squidward: But, you cut out my laugh
box.
Replacement Doctor: Yes, but, uhh,
one of your friends generously allowed us to
transplant part of
theirs to you.
Patrick: Nope.
Mr. Krabs:
They wouldn't pay me.
Sandy: You're
getting warmer.
Squidward: (SpongeBob
shows his scar) SpongeBob? (laughs like SpongeBob)
SpongeBob:
Hey,
you
laugh
just
like
me.
(both
laugh.
Squidward
laughs
too
much
so
he
runs
through the wall) Ah, there he goes off
to share his laugh with the world.
*Dunces and Dragons*
Dialogue
(SpongeBob &
Patrick are running through the fields)
SpongeBob: (laughing) Hurry, Patrick,
it's almost time for the joust.
Patrick:
Right
behind
ya,
SpongeBob.
(giggles
then
both
stop.
A
castle
with
a
sign
that
says
Speaker:
Welcome to Medieval Moments. You're just 20 wizard
spaces from swords, sorcery and
bad
hygiene. (SpongeBob & Patrick run in)
Henchman: Right this way, please.
SpongeBob:
Excuse
my
good
man,
I
believe
thou
meant
to
say
this
wayeth
(both
giggle)
Henchman: (tempted
to kill self but doesn't) Some day but not today.
(Inside castle)
SpongeBob:
How's that mutton, Patrick?
Patrick: Me
thinks it's mutton-tastic. (trumpet sounds)
Medieval Queen: Maury, you're suppose
to announce the jousting tournament!
Medieval King: Good evening, fair
patrons of medieval moments. By royal decree, we
ask that
two audience members come
forth and participate in the, uhh, royal joust.
(SpongeBob & Patrick
raise their hands)
Oh, alright. It appears that the pink starfish and
the yellow sponge are our lucky
contestants tonight. Hoorah.
SpongeBob: Isn't this exciting,
Patrick? To think, we'll be watching the joust
this close up.
Royal Henchman: You
won't be watching the joust, you're in the joust.
SpongeBob: Pat, do you know how to ride
a seahorse.
Patrick: Nuh-uh. (seahorses
gallop on opposite sides of the stadium)
SpongeBob:
Mr
seahorse,
sir,
you're
gentle
on
beginners,
aren't
you?
(seahorse
rides
towards
Patrick)
Patrick: SpongeBob,
help!
Crowd: Take his head off!
SpongeBob:
I
don't
suppose
now
would
be
a
good
time
to
ask
for
a
bathroom
break?
(both
screaming
as
SpongeBob
hits
Patrick
clear
out
of
the
stadium)
Patrick!
(SpongeBob's
seahorse
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throws him
out of the stadium)
Patrick: (lands
outside) Glad that's over. (SpongeBob lands on top
of him)
SpongeBob:
(calvary
riding
towards
SpongeBob
&
Patrick)
Look,
some
employees
from
the
restaurant came to help us.
Horseman: Arrest these traitors for
committing the act of witchcraft from falling from
the sky.
SpongeBob:
(touches
the
spears
point)
Whoa,
they
really
go
that
extra
mile
for
authenticity.
Salutations my
fellow knights.
Horseman: Silence
heathen. (slices SpongeBob's helmet in half)
SpongeBob: Ah! I get the point. (both
tossed in the dungeon)
Dungeon Master: Nighty night, ladies.
You'll have many more in here.
SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, these props sure
are convincing. (both hear clarinet playing. A
like creature wearing a medieval outfit
is playing the clarinet)
Squidly:
Oh,
blast
this
confounded
instrument.
If
I
never
play
with
ease,
may
my
own
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great grandson be cursed ten-fold.
SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you
doing here?
Squidly: (looks around
confused) Does thou talketh to me?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Good one,
Squidward. (imitates Squidly) Does thou talketh to
me?
Squidly:
Scoth
not,
young
squire.
Thou
hath
mistaken
me
for
another.
I
am
Squidly,
the
king's
royal fool. Or at
least I was until I royally messed up.
SpongeBob: Wow, what'd you do?
Squidly: I'll show you.
Music:
I was the
king's favorite fool
I made merry mirth
and laughter
Then I told one bad joke
And the king had a stroke
And now I hang from ye ol' rafter
Patrick: (stomach grow
ls)
What does a guy have to do get some mutton around
here? I’m starving!
Squidly:
Don’t hold thy breath. We’ll be lucky if we get
fed again by the 12th century.
SpongeBob: They sure do take their
role-playing seriously around here. (explosion
outside)
Pat
rick: What’s
that?
Music:
The evil wizard's dragon is here
See the townsfolk scream with fear
See the townsfolk try to run
I can tell this won't be fun
The dragon will torch everything
Everything in the valley
Hospitals, schools, retirement homes,
And even ye olde bowling alley
Citizen: Not the bowling alley! (dragon
zaps bowling alley into dust. Citizen cries)
SpongeBob:
Knights,
jesters,
dragons,
medieval
bowling
alleys,
12th
century?
Don’t
you
see,
Patrick?
We really are in medieval times.
Patick: Oh no, I think I left the water
running at home!
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Dungeon Master:
The king wants a word with you two.
Patrick: Yay!
SpongeBob:
Wait, we don’t leave without Squidly.
Dungeon Master: Why should I take him?
SpongeBob: Because, umm, Squidly has
thought of some brilliant songs for the king and
he just
has to hear them. Isn’t that
right, Squidly?
Squidly:
(nods) Absolutely. (plays clarinet)
SpongeBob: (stops Squidly) Squidly,
uhh, maybe you should wait for the king to hear
that.
Squidly: Suit thineselves. Thou
does not knowest what thou art missing. (at King
Krabs's castle)
King: Woe is me. Woe is
me. Woe is me. What to do? What to do?
Pearl: Father, what are thou going on
about now?
King: Oh, just the same ol’
thing dear daughter. It’s that evil Planktonimor.
His insidious dragon’s
destroyed half
the kingdom. Soon, there’ll be no citizens to tax.
Not one of me best knights have
been
able to defeat him. (has a stroke)
Pearl: Father, remember your blood
pressure. You wouldn’t want another leech
tr
eatment, would
you?
Medieval Gary: Meow.
Henchman: Your highness, the dungeon
master has brought the prisoners you asked for.
King: Well don’t just stand there, send
‘em in.
Henchman: Sure
thing, your highness. (King Krabs & Pearl look at
each other blankly)
SpongeBob: Hey Mr
Krabs.
King: How dare
you
bark in that tone, nave.
I am
the feared ruler of this kingdom and
will be
addressed as such.
SpongeBob: Sorry.
King: And
why have you brought this fool back into me throne
room.
Squidly: If your majesty may be
so kind, I think I have a song that will answer
all your questions.
King: Ohh, alright,
alright. But this is your last chance, fool.
Squidly: Oh, thank you sir. Thank you.
You won’t be disappointed.
Music:
Oh hear
me king
For I must sing,
How you are the greatest
At
everything.
Like letting a
dragon
Burn down our city,
A horrible sight
That wasn't
pretty.
Twas all your fault
And tis a pity,
You are bad
You are to
blame.
Now hang your kingly
head in shame
La la la la la la la la
la la la!
The king is bad
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The king’s to blame,
He hangs his kingly head in shame.
La la la la la la la la la
la la!
King: Guards, send
these slanderers to the guillotine. (shown a
guillotine that cuts a pineapple in
half)
SpongeBob: Wait, you
don’t
understand. We’re not
from here.
King: That’s
because you’re witches who were sent by
Planktonimor to destroy me.
SpongeBob: No, we’re time travelers.
(King gets angry) Help me out here,
Patrick.
Patrick: I’m not
sure that there’s anything I can add at
th
is point.
King: Ok, I’m
through playing around. Guards! (gives the signal
for their beheading)
Pearl:
Father, you must spare me. Has thou forgotten
about the prophecy.
King: What
prophecy?
Pearl: The one above your
head.
King: How long has that been
there?
Pearl: The story tells of two
brave knights who fall from the sky. And are sent
by the king to rid
the lamenting town
of the evil dragon controlled by the
one-
eyed wizard. Father, don’t you get
it?
It’s them. These strangers have
come to rescue us, like i
n the
prophecy. (dragon breaks through the
wall)
King: How dare you
defile my house, demon! (dragon zaps King Krabs
and grabs Princess Pearl)
Princess
Pearl!
I’m
coming
Pearl.
Prepare
to
meet
thy
maker,
foul
beast.
(dragon
flicks
King
Krabs away)
SpongeBob: (at the guillotine) Well, I
guess this is it, Patrick.
Patrick: I
guess so. I’m gonna miss you, SpongeBob.
(cries)
SpongeBob: I’ll miss
you too, buddy. (both cry as King Krabs crashes
into the guillotine, breaking
it.
Dragon takes Pearl away)
Pearl: Daddy,
help!!
King: Pearl!! (cries) Can no one
stop this madness? (sun shines on SpongeBob &
Patrick) You two,
my apologies. (kisses
their feet) Most noble and valiant warriors.
Patrick: I guess this is what you call
the royal treatment.
King: May Neptune
gran
t you safety on your perilous
journey to the evil wizard’s castle to which
no one has escaped alive.
SpongeBob: We’re going on a perilous
journey?
King: Well, of
course, you’re the chosen ones. Huh, what’s this?
A lost piece of the prophecy?
Hmmm…
SpongeBob:
Lemme guess, more praise for our heroic stature?
King: Actually, it says I’m suppose to
kick you out of here.
SpongeBob: Say no more, your majesty.
Us manly knights are so manly, we kick ourselves
out of
places. Come on, Patrick! (kicks
self out)
Patrick: Look out trouble!
(kicks self out)
Squidly: Well, so much
for their company. (plays clarinet)
King: On second thought, you better go
with ‘em. They could use the
entertainment.
Squidly: Have
it your way.
King: Good luck strange
ones!
(commercial break)
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SpongeBob:
(SpongeBob,
Patrick,
&
Squidly
are
now
walking
down
the
road)
I
know
we’re
a
prophecy and all, but I don’t think we
can stop the dragon with our bare
hands.
Patrick: Yeah, we
need some gloves.
Squidly: Perhaps
yonder blacksmith can provide some arms for your
battle.
SpongeBob: At last, an honest
man of the soil. Observe, as a I effortlessly
commingle with this
brutish
native.
(enters
blacksmith
shop)
Greetings,
iron
man.
I
am
Sir
SpongeBob
of
Bikini…
(blacksmith grabs
SpongeBob with his tongs) …
bottom.
Blacksmith: I told you
people before, I’d have the rent when I have
it.
SpongeBob: We just
wanted to buy some armor.
Blacksmith:
Well,
why
didn’t
you
just
say
that?
(lets
SpongeBob
go) Hmmm,
I’ve
got
just
the
thing for you.
Patrick:
(holding
a
helmet)
This
is
awesome.
(puts
helmet
over
his
already
worn
helmet)
Hey,
SpongeBob,
get
out
here!
(SpongeBob
walks
out
standing
on
metal
legs
and
wearing
a
big
protective helmet) Whoa, SpongeBob you
look incredible.
Blacksmith:
And
now
for
the
piece
de
resistance.
(welds
a
sword
for
SpongeBob)
Your
sword,
brave knight.
Hand-
forged from anodized dragon’s
skin. It is truly a weapon worthy of a knight of
your stature.
SpongeBob:
(struggles) A little heavy, isn’t it? (drops the
sword piercing through the blacksmi
ths
chest)
Blacksmith:
(laughs)
That’s
gonna
need
some
stitches.
Let
me
see
what
I
else
I
got.
(searches
through a chest of
weapons) Unfortunately, all I have in the way of
light weaponry is this jellyfish
net.
SpongeBob: That’s perfect! (later
SpongeBob,
Patrick & Squidly are
walking towards the castle of
Lord
Planktonimor)
Squidly: We doth have a
long journey ahead of us.
SpongeBob:
It’s a good thing I packed us a lunch of delicious
krabby patties.
Patrick:
Ooh!
Lord Planktonimor: (looking
through a crystal ball) This be the legendary
prophecy? (laughs) Oh,
that
be-
eth a wretch. T’would almost insult
me would it not be so funny.
Karen: (as crystal ball) Planktonimor,
thou art cocky and overly confident with thyself.
Lord
Planktonimor:
Trusteth
in
me,
Karen.
I
doth
knowest
what
I
am
doing. Come
hither,
boy.
(dragon appears)
Deliver my demands onto his majesty, King Krabs.
(laughs then coughs)
Dark
Knight: Halt, who goes there?
Squidly:
Doth my eyes betray me? Tis the nefarious dark
knight.
Music:
Oh dark knight
Spare us
please,
Don't cut off our heads
Or boil our knees.
Pray take
these two and let me go free
And will
give to thee some...cheese!
SpongeBob &
Patrick: Dark knight?!
Dark Knight: I
asketh once more. Before I rip thee limb from
limb, reveal thyself.
SpongeBob: I am
SpongeBob and this is Patrick. (laughs nervously)
We’ve been sent to rescue
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Princess Pearl from Planktonimor.
Dark Knight: If thou wishes to get
across, thou willst have… (reveals self as
medieval Sandy) to
get through me.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Medieval Sandy! I
know how to handle this. With a little karate.
(both attack
each other but SpongeBob
swallows Sandy then spits her out into a rock)
Dark Knight: By the hammer of Odem,
this be a new fighting style my eyes have not yet
seen.
SpongeBob: I am bad, oh yeah!
Whoo!
Dark Knight: Doth thou tryeth to
insult me. Thou willst drink from the fountain of
shame.
SpongeBob: Pssh,
did
you
hear
that
Patrick?
I
told
you
she
sings
like a
Squirrel. (Dark
Knight
destroys the armor
and throws SpongeBob into a rock. SpongeBob ends
up having his legs and
arms switched)
Good one, Medieval Sandy. But can
you
handle my feet of fury? (attacks Dark
Knight
but
the
D.K.
jumps
out
of
the
way
as
SpongeBob
bounces
off
the
rock
and
into
D.K.
sending her into the
other rock. SpongeBob attacks her again but the
D.K. pins SpongeBob against
the rock)
Dark
Knight:
Willst
thou
like
a
little
rub
down?
(as
she
is
rubbing
SpongeBob
turns
into
dust
causing
the D.K. to cough. SpongeBob appears normal
again
and karate chops D.K.)
You have
fested me, yellow knight.
Strike quick and true, noble sponge.
SpongeBob:
I
don’t
understand
a
word
you
just
said!
(laughs.
Dark
Knight
turns
into
a
real
squirrel
but
with
the
crosses
for
eyes)
Uhh,
Medieval
Sandy,
you
don’
t
look
so
good.
Sandy?
Sandy… (screen turns black then water
is thrown onto the Dark Knight) Patrick, it’s
working. Do
it again. (Patrick gathers
spit and spits it upon her)
Dark
Knight: Thou hath spare me kind & noble sponge.
And unto thee, I owe a debt of gratitude
for I will follow you on your quest to
defeat Planktonimor and learn a trifle of that
karate.
SpongeBob: Yeah,
karate! (karate chops Squidly in half)
Squidly: Oweth. (meanwhile back at King
Krabs' castle)
Henchman: Your majesty!
Your majesty! A scroll hath arrive for thee.
King:
Thou
must
hand
over
thy
village
and
thy
throne
or
thy
daughter
shall
be
dipped
into
a
cauldron of lava?! Pearl!! (Pearl
screams)
Squidly: That be the shriek of
the fair Princess.
Music:
Hark the Princess
She screams from the tower,
By the sound of her shrieks
This is her final hour.
Dark
Knight: Then time be of the essence. Doth we all
remember thy plan.
Patrick: No, uhh, I
mean yes. Yes! That’s what I said, heh. Yes.
Dark Knight: Then let us
forge on. Make way, heathens. Dark Knight coming
through.
Guard: State thy business,
Dark Knight.
Dark Knight: These village
idiots are conspirators against Master
Planktonimor and I needeth to
know
which form of torture thy master wishes upon these
wretched fools. Do I have their limbs
tied to horses and swiftly yanked
apart. Rip! Or pluck each individual eyelash one
by one taking
away their every single
last eyelash wish.
Spongebob: No!! (screams and crying)
Guard: Very well, Dark
Knight. Entrance be granted. (SpongeBob still
screaming and crying) Halt!
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Make
a wish. (plucks one of SpongeBob's eyelashes)
Dark Knight: Wow, goodsome thinking,
Sir SpongeBob. Posing as a frat and wee baby in ye
olde
diapers did make it most
believable.
SpongeBob:
Yeah,
you
think
we
fooled
them?
(Pearl
screams)
Princess Pearl.
I
must
fulfill
the
prophecy while you untie Patrick and
the royal doophus.
Squidly: That be
royal fool.
SpongeBob:
(running
up
the
stairs
followed
by
the
rest
of
the
group)
Hang
on,
Pearl,
we’re
coming to
rescue you! (panting) We’re
a
-comin. Almost there. Oh, dear
Neptune.
Lord Planktonimor: Soon the
King’s village will be mine, mine, mine!! (Pearl
screams)
SpongeBob: (panting
out of breath) Unhand her, you fiend!!
Pearl: The prophecy is nie!
SpongeBob: We’
re here to
rescue you, Pearl. Whew! Can I get a glass of
water?
Lord Planktonimor: Sparkling or
regular? Sike it!
SpongeBob: (gasps)
You truly are the nastiest wizard in all of Bikini
Bottom Shire. Prepare to be
vanquished.
Lord Planktonimor: Bring it
oneth, nave.
SpongeBob:
(as
he
runs
to
attack
Lord
Planktonimor,
he
steps
on
him
without
knowing)
What
the…? Where…? Oh…
(laughs) I didn’t see you. You’re so tiny.
(Plankton gets up and uses his
magic on
SpongeBob. But SpongeBob laughs) That tickles!
Tiny powers! Tiny powers! (as Lord
Planktonimor is zapping SpongeBob, the
rest of the group frees Pearl but she crashes
through the
top)
Pearl: I be-eth ok.
Lord
Planktonimor:
(SpongeBob
gets
zaps
by
dragon)
Wow…huh?
(notices
dragon)
Yes!
Yes!
Sicketh
them boy! (dragon chases them)
Squidly:
Perhaps a soothing lyric will calm thee.
Music:
There once was a dragon
So
handsome and smart,
He let me go free
For he had a big heart.
Squidly: (dragon zaps him) Everyone be-
eth a critic.
Dark Knight: Hi-ya!!
(attacks dragon but dragon zaps her)
Patrick: No! No! No! (gets zapped)
Lord Planktonimor: Dead end for you,
simpleton. (laughs)
SpongeBob:
Wait
a
minute.
(gets
out
the
jellyfish
net
and
captures
the
dragon)
Wow,
the
boys
back home will never
believe this.
Patrick: I’m right here
and I don’t believe it. (dragon zaps his way out
of the net)
SpongeBob &
Patrick: No! No! No! No!
SpongeBob:
Well, I guess this is it, Pat.
Patrick:
Yeah. Hey, can we eat those krabby patties now?
SpongeBob: Sure, buddy.
Patrick: Yay! (dragon takes the krabby
patty and eats it) Hey!
SpongeBob:
Patrick look! He’s eating the krabby
patties.
Patrick: Huh? No!
No! No-o-o! The horror. The horror.
-
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SpongeBob: No, Patrick, it’s a good
thing.
Patrick: It is?
SpongeBob: Sure it is. Just listen to
him purr. He loves that krabby patty.
Lord Planktonimor: For sooth. What be-
eth going on here? Destroy them! Do it now or so
help
me.
SpongeBob:
Umm,
I’d
be
more
than
happy
to
make
you
some
more
of
those
delicious
krabby
patties. (dragons
zaps Planktonimor)
Lord
Planktonimor: Curses. You win.
Squidly:
(everyone is at a celebration) Make way. Thy
king’s heroes cometh through.
Music:
Hark!
Ring the bell
Tis all ended well
The dragon is vanquished
The
princess returned
And only a few of us
got badly burned!
King: Order up!
(flips burger so dragon catches it and eats it)
Hmmm, I doth wonder if I could sell
these, uhh, krabby patties. (laughs.
Squidly plays his clarinet)
Citizen:
Not that horrible noise.
Citizen #2:
Make it stop! (citizen #1 throws a rock through
the clarinet which causes the seahorses
to launch SpongeBob & Patrick into the
air and back down where it is now the present)
Medieval Queen: Hey kid, are you ok?
That was some fall you had.
SpongeBob:
Oh,
I
guess
I
shouldn’t
have
agitated
that
seahorse.
That
was
some
dream,
huh,
Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick:
Try telling that to Squidly. (Patrick squished
Squidly into an accordion)
67.*Enemy In-Law*
Dialogue
(everyone screams and points at the
plankton robot as it grabs a handful of people in
each hand
and drops them inside the
Chum Bucket)
Plankton: (everyone
running around inside) Oh, good, the lunch rush.
Now that my ChumBot has
dropped you
into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the
Chum Bucket. (everyone stops in their
tracks)
Nat Peterson :
What?! You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us
your fast food?
Plankton: C'mon, it's a
standard marketing technique.
Nat
Peterson: You little twerp.
Plankton:
Hey!
Karen: He's right, ya know.
Plankton: Karen?! You think I'm a
twerp?
Karen: Well, yes, but I was
referring to the kidnapping.
Plankton:
Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
Karen: Maybe it's because you are
always wrong.
Plankton: Fine, I'm wrong
and you're right.
Karen: You said it,
not me.
Plankton: (walking away) Why
did I ever install that nagging software?
Karen: Nagging software? I heard that!
Come back and dust my screen.
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Plankton: Oh, money. You're always
there for me. (kissing noisily)
Mama
Krabs: Hello, Eugene.
Mr. Krabs:
Mother! What bring you by today?
Mama
Krabs: I just wanted to see my favorite son.
Mr. Krabs: How much of my money do you
want?
Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the
prettiest hat in town today.
Mr. Krabs:
Oh, look at the time! So sorry to have to rush
off. Bye! (pushes Mama Krabs out his
office and closes his door) Whew, that
was a close one.
Plankton:
Why
did
I
ever
buy
that
computer
wife?
I
need
a
real
woman--not
a
girl
in
a
cold-hearted
shell.
(Plankton
hears
Mama
Krabs
humming
outside
so
he
brings
down
his
periscope and through it we can see a
real crab in the ocean) Such beauty. She's an
angel; and no
wires. I've never felt
like this before. I don't even know her name and
yet she's stolen my heart.
Karen:
Plankton?! You've fallen in love with another
woman? I'm your wife!
Plankton: You're
a
Wired Integratred Female
Elecrtoencephalograph.
Karen: Oh, you
always pull that one out!
Plankton:
Aah! Why don't you have an 'off' switch. (sees an
off switch)
Karen: Plankton, don't you
dare... (turns off)
Plankton: And now
to woo that beloved creature. (cut to Mama Krabs
taking a nap while Robot
Plankton is
looking through her window. Then the robot grabs
her)
Robot
Plankton:
Roses
are
red.
Violets
are
blue.
World
domination
has
nothing
on
you.
(she
screams)
Plankton: Hmmm, I
guess she's not a poetry fan. (everyone is running
around screaming while the
robot is
using its eye laser to spell out
the
town
when
doing
this.
Mama
Krabs
reads
it
and
screams
a
few
times)
Poetry,
love
notes--nothing's
working.
Perhaps
something
personal.
(Mama
Krabs
is
shrieking.
The
roboto
walks over to a rock
and karate chops a memorial-like statue of Mama
Krabs' head)
Mama Krabs: Am I really
that pretty?
Plankton: Oh, yeah...I am
smooth. (cut to later in his restaurant by a
phone) Just dial the number
and ask her
to dinner. C'mon, you can do this. (dial tones
beeping; Plankton grunting)
Mama Krabs:
Hello? (Plankton grunting in the phone) I'm
hanging up.
Plankton: Wait! This is
your secret admirer.
Mama Krabs: Oh,
you're that giant robot?
Plankton:
(laughing) No. I program the robot. Did you enjoy
the gift I sent you?
Mama Krabs: How
did you know I wanted a hat? Have you been spying
on me? (6 TV screens are
set-up to in
different parts of Mama Krabs house)
Plankton: It was...just a lucky guess.
I've admired you from afar for far too long, my
angel. We
must meet face-to-face.
Mama Krabs: Well, how about the Krusty
Krab tonight at 8:00?
Plankton: Sounds
wonderful. I'll be the tall fellow wearing a red
carnation. Until tonight, my dear.
(cut
to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Ah! Quick, SpongeBob,
swallow me wallet!
SpongeBob: Ok. (Mr.
Krabs shoves his wallet in SpongeBob's mouth and
SpongeBob swallows it)
Mr. Krabs: Oh,
sorry,
mommy.
I can't lend
you any money. SpongeBob accidentally
swallowed
me
wallet.
(sniffs
his
mother's
hat)
Mommy,
you
got
yourself
a
hat
without
my
financial
- 50 -
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