-
411 The One With Phoebe’s Uterus
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Frank
and
Alice
are
there
talking
with
Phoebe.]
Phoebe:
Oh my God! I can’t believe my little
brother is married!
Frank:
Oh I know!! (Both he
and Alice squeal hysterically)
Phoebe:
You guys,
why didn’
t you tell me you were
eloping?
Frank:
‘Cause
it
just
sorta
happened,
y’know
we
were
at
the
courthouse, we were having
lunch…
Phoebe:
Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
Frank:
We were having lunch.
Yeah and then all of the sudden we were
like,
ey! Y'know, we’re
here, having lunch let’s get married!
Phoebe:
Wow,
a
year
and
a
half
ago
I
didn’t
even
know
I
had
a
brother,
and
now I have a sister
too. (They
all
hug,
and
Frank
and Alice start
kissing.)
Okay.
Okay.
Stop
it,
don’t.
So,
I
gotta
get
you
a
gift
now.
Is there anything you
need?
Frank:
Uhh, yeah.
Alice:
We’ve been
trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since
we
got
engaged,
we
thought
we’d
get
a
jump
on
things,
y’know
no
one’s
getting
any younger.
Frank:
See
the
thing
is
umm,
we’re
not
able
to
y’know,
uh,
conceive.
Alice:
And we’ve
tried everything, we’ve seen
a bunch of
doctors.
Frank:
Yeah, and
they-and they say that our-that our only chance to
have
a
baby
is
that
if
they
take
my
sperm,
her
egg
and
put
it
together
in a dish and then
put it into another girl. So we were wondering if
you could be the girl that we could put
it into.
Phoebe:
(shocked) That’s a really nice gift. I
was thinking of like
a gravy boat.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica,
Rachel,
and
Chandler
are
trying
to throw cards into a
vase.]
Joey:
(entering
with
Ross)
Hey!
You
guys!
Check
it
out,
check
it
out!
(He’s wearing a blue
blazer) Guess which job I got.
Chandler:
I
don’t
know,
but
Donald
Trump
wants
his
blue
blazer
black.
(The gang is stunned.)
Ross:
What?
Chandler:
Blue blazer back.
He-he wants it back.
Rachel:
But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue
blazer
black?
Chandler:
Well, you-you know
what I meant.
Monica:
No, you messed it up. You’re
stupid.
Chandler:
So what job did you get Joe?
Joey:
Oh, ah, tour guide at
the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Rachel:
Well, how
can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a
dinosaur expert or something?
Joey:
No, not
really. They give you all the information, it’s
uh,
it’s like memorizing a
scri
pt. (Making like a tour guide)
your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex,
a carnivore from the Jurassic
用心
爱心
专心
411
菲比被“借鸡生蛋”
啊，天呀。
真不敢相信，弟弟你已经结
婚了。
是呀。
你们俩为什么不告诉我你们准备结婚
?
因为我们之前也没有想过结婚这事
,
那天我们去法院
,
我们正在吃午饭
...
等等，你们去法院做什么呀
?
我们去吃午饭呀
.
然后，我们突然之间意识到
,
嘿
!
我们正在法院吃饭
,
吃完饭我们去登
记结婚吧
!
哇
,
一年半以前我甚至都不知道
自己有
个弟弟
,
现在我还有弟媳了。
好，啊
.
快停下来
< br>,
别亲了。
既然你们结婚了
,
我得送给你们一份礼
物
.
你们需要什么吗？
嗯
...
有。
我们俩一直努力想要个孩子
嗯，几乎从我们订婚那天就开始了。
我们非常着急
,
你也知道，
我们都不年轻
了。
但
情况是
,
嗯，她不能怀孕。
我们什么方法都试过了
,
也去看了不少
医生。
医生说了，
我们有孩子的唯一的机会就是
把我的精子<
/p>
,
她的卵子放在一个器皿里，
然后再移
入另
外一个女生。
因此我们在想，你
可不可以成为那个女
生。
那真是一个美好的礼物
.
我刚刚还以为
是要放到酱油壶里呢
.
嘿
!
嘿
!
快来看看
,
快来看看
< br>!
猜我找到什么工作了
.
我不知道呀
,
但是
Donald
Trump
（赌场大
亨）
想让
他的蓝色运动夹克变黑所以借你穿
脏点
.
什么
?
我是说要回，他想要回他的夹克
.
但是你刚刚说的是变黑
.
他为什么想把他的蓝色夹克变黑呢
?
嘿，你知道我是什么意思
.
1
period.
Chandler, Monica,
and Rachel:
Great!! That’s
great!
Ross:
Uh actually Joey, it’s the Cretasous
period.
Joey:
Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Phoebe:
(entering) Hey!!
All:
Hey!
Phoebe:
Guess what. Frank
Jr., and Alice got married!
All:
Oh my God!!
Phoebe:
And! And,
they’re gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.)
And! And, they want me
to
grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang
is stunned into silence.)
Ross:
My God!
Monica:
Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah
Joey:
You’re
really thinking about having sex with your
brother?!
Phoebe:
Ewww!
And
no!
It’s—
they
just
want
me
to
be
the
surrogate. It’s
her
-
it’s her egg and her
sperm, and I’m
-
I’m
just
the oven, it’s totally
their bun.
Joey:
Huh.
Monica:
What did you
tell them?
Phoebe:
Well,
they said that I had to think about it first, but
what
is there to think about? I’m gonna
be giving them the greatest gift
you
can possibly give.
Chandler:
You
’re gonna be carrying their baby and
give them a
Sony
Play
Station
?
Rachel:
Honey,
this
really
is
an
incredible
thing
to
do
for
them,
but
there
are things to think about.
Monica:
Yeah,
like you’re gonna be pregnant. I mean
pregnant.
Phoebe:
I know!
Ross:
P
heebs,
you’re
talking
about
putting
your
body
through
an
awful
lot,
I
mean
morning
sickness,
uhh,
labour,
and
it’s
all
for
somebody
else!
Phoebe:
Yeah,
what’s your point?
Ross:
Well, the stuff I just
mentioned.
Rachel:
Wow! I don’t know if I could ever do
that. I always figured
the
first time I had a baby was with somebody I love
and that baby
would be
a…keeper.
Phoebe:
Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I
wanted to
make denim furniture.
Joey:
No,
Pheebs,
listen,
if
you
decide
to
do
this,
we’ll
be
supportive like crazy.
All:
Yeah.
Monica:
We just want you to
think it through.
Rachel:
Yeah,
honey,
maybe
you
can
talk
to
somebody
who’s
had
a
baby.
Like your mom?
Phoebe:
My mom never gave
birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and
Kathy are kissing.]
Kathy:
Umm, (moves her hand’s down to his
butt) I love this touchy.
用心
爱心
专心
不是，你弄混了
.
你好笨
.
Joe,
你找到的工作到底是什么呀
?
哦
,
博物馆里的解说员
.
是
Ross
帮我找的
活
.
啊？你怎么能成为解说员呢？要成为
解
说员，
不得是恐龙或者是历史专家吗？
不，
其实不用
.
他们给我全部资料
,
嗯
,
就像背剧本一样
.
< br>在您的左边
,
您看到的是暴龙
,
一种来自侏罗纪的肉食动物
.
嘿！不错
嘛！
嗯，
joey,
暴龙实际上是来自白垩纪
.
对
,
但是我可以发表我的看法
.
嗨
!!
你们猜怎么了
. Frank Jr.
和
Alice
结婚
了
< br>!
啊天呀
!!
还有
!
还有
,
他们将要生小
孩啦
!
还有，
还有他们想要用我的子
宫来为他们
怀胎
.
啊，天呀
!
你没开玩笑吧
?
没。
你真的在考虑和你弟弟做爱
?!
你好
恶心
!
当然不是！
他们只是想让我成为怀胎代理人
.
是她的卵子和他的精子，
啊，我只是
烤炉
.
面包完全是他们的
.
哈
.
你怎么答复他们的
?
他们说先让我考
虑考虑
,
但是这有什么可
考虑的呢
?
我将把我所能给的最好的礼物送给他们
.
你将要帮他们怀孩子，
还给他们一台索尼
PS?
亲爱的
为他们这么做，的确实是一件
惊
人的喜事
.
但是有些事你得再想想
.
是呀
,
你将要怀孕，是怀孕呀
!!
我知道
!
Pheebs,
你的身体将接受一段可怕的经
历
,
我是说，如晨吐
,
嗯，分娩，
但你做这一切都是为了别人
!
你的要点是什么
?
嗯
,
我刚刚说过的那些东西
.
Wow!
不知道我这辈子会不会那么做
?
2
Can I take it to work with me?
Chandler:
Oh,
yeah,
sure,
it’s
not
mine
anyway.
It
can
with
the
pants.
Kathy:
Oh! (They kiss and
she leaves)
Monica:
I am so
jealous.
Rachel:
You guys are really right…there aren’t
you?
Chandler:
Yes. Right where?
Monica:
In the beginning where y’know it’s all
sex and talking and
sex and talking
and…
Chandler:
Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
Monica:
And the sex?
Chandler:
All
r
ight, we haven’t had sex yet. Okay,
what’s the big
deal? Y’know? This is
special, and I want our love to grow until we
move on to the next level.
Rachel:
Oh, Chandler that is
so nice.
Ross:
That is really nice…lying! No way is
that the reason!
Rachel:
Why?
Just
because you’re not mature enough to understand
something like that?!
Chandler:
No,
he’s right, I’m totally lying.
(Ross makes an
R
oss’s
little
I’m
-flicking-you-off-
but-
I’m
-not-giving-you-the-
finger
banging
of the
fists.)
Monica:
Then what is
it?
Chandler:
Well, Kathy’s last boyfriend was
Joey.
Ross:
And you’re afraid you won’t be able
to…fill his shoes.
Chandler:
No, I’m
afraid I won’t be able to make love as well as
him.
Ross:
Yeah,
I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler:
Yes, and I was
saying the actual words.
Monica:
So
big
deal,
so
Joey’s
had
a
lot
of
girlfriends,
it
doesn’t
mean he’s great in
bed.
Chandler:
We share a wall! So either he’s great
in bed, or she just
likes to agree with
him a lot.
Monica:
Sweetie, with you it’s gonna be
different. The sex is gonna
be great,
‘cause you
-you guys are in love.
Chandler: Yeah?
Rachel:
Yeah!
Ross:
Just go for it
Chandler.
Monica:
Yeah, you
should.
Rachel:
Yeah, you
should, really.
Monica:
Go
on.
Chandler:
All
right, all right, I’ll go sleep with my
gi
rlfriend.
But I’m just
doing it for you guys.
[Scene:
The
museum,
Joey
is
giving
a
tour
to
a
bunch
of
school
kids.]
Joey:
Okay, now the Mastodon
is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
Smart Kid:
Isn’t
the Ma
stodon from the Pliocene Epic?
Joey:
Shhh! This is a
museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions
to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have
a large foot. (Sees Ross
用心
爱心
专心
我一直在想，如果我第一次怀孕，
一
定是为一个我爱的人，
而且我得照顾那
个孩子
< br>.
我当初想做家具时，
你们可是很支持我的
噢
.
不是，
Pheeb
s,
听着
,
如果你决定下来要做这事
,
我们当然会全
力支持你的
.
是呀
.
我们只是想让你全面的想一想
.
对
,
亲爱的
,
也许你可以和生过孩子的
人聊聊
.
例如你的妈妈
?
我妈妈
从来没生过孩子
.
哦
!
但是我生母
生过
.
Umm,
我爱死你的屁股了
,
我可以把她带
到单位吗
?
哦
,
当然可以
,
反正也不是我的
.
它跟裤<
/p>
子是一起的
.
哦
!
我太嫉妒你了
.
你们俩正在那个阶段，对吧？
哪个阶段
?
热恋期，一天到晚的甜言蜜语，
不眠不休的性生活
.
还有
...
是
,
我必须得不停的说
.
那性生活呢
?
好
,
我们还没有做过呢
.
对
,
那又能怎么样
?
你知道
,
这次恋爱对我来说很特殊，
我想充分培养感情再更上层楼。
啊<
/p>
,Chandler,
你那么做好体贴呀
.
是很体贴
...
撒谎
!
不可能是你说的那个原因
!
怎么啦
?
只是因为你还不够成熟去理
解
像这样的事情？！
不
,
他说得对
,
我完全在撒谎
.
那么原因是什么呢
?
Kathy
的上一个男朋友是
Joey.
所以你担心
你不能
填充他的鞋子
< br>？
不
,
我是担心我做爱不如
Joey
好
.
对
,
我刚刚在用暗喻
.
对
,
我刚刚在说实际的意思
.
没什么大不
了的
,Joey
是有很多女朋友，
但那并不意味着他在床上也很厉害
.
我们的房只隔着一面墙
!
因此，
要么他在
床上极伟大，
< br>要么就是她喜欢和他
和谐一致
<
/p>
3
working
in
one
of
the
display
cases.)
Uhh,
and
over
here
we
have
Ross
Geller. (Knocks on the
glass) Everyone wave ‘Hi’ to Ross. Ross
is
one
of
our
most
important
scientists,
look
at
him,
hard
at
work.
(Ross
does the old
your mouth
trick.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.
’s
house, there’s a knock on the door.]
Phoebe Sr:
It’s
open! Come in!
Phoebe: Hi!
Phoebe Sr: Hi!
Phoebe:
I’m
sorry, I’m late.
Phoebe
Sr:
Oh, that’s okay, it gave
me time to finish glazing my
nipples.
Phoebe:
Wow! You
really go all out when you’re expectin
g
company.
Phoebe Sr:
No, I
was working on my pottery.
Phoebe:
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, I didn’t know that you did…pot.
Phoebe Sr:
Well, yeah,
mostly nudes. It combines my two passions,
pottery and erotica.
Phoebe:
Ooh, erotiery!
Phoebe Sr:
Hey! Okay! Well
thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I
just
thought
it
would
be
a
very
good
idea
to
talk
about
this
baby
stuff
in person. Y’know…
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe
Sr:
I really don’t think
it’s a very good idea, Phoebe.
Phoebe:
Why not?
Phoebe Sr:
Well,
because you’d be giving
up a baby, and
I-I really
don’t—I don’t know if
there’s anything I can say that could make
you
understand
the
pain
of
giving
up
a
baby.
So,
umm,
(Picks
up
a
puppy
in the box next to the
couch.)
Phoebe:
Oh no!
No-
no! I understand the pain!
Don’t
-
don’t hurt
the
puppy.
Phoebe
Sr:
No-no-no, the-
the
puppy’s yours.
Phoebe:
Oh, I get a puppy!!
Phoebe Sr:
Well, yeah! I
mean yeah, but only for three days.
Phoebe: Why?
Phoebe
Sr:
I
realise
I
don’t
have
any
right
to
start
get
all
parenty
on
you and everything now, bu
t umm, (Sees
that Phoebe isn’t paying
atte
ntion and is busy
mimicking the puppy.) uhh… Phoebe, would you
please look at me and not the puppy,
it’s very important.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe
Sr:
I
mean,
I
know
what
I’m
talking
about.
I
gave
up
two
babies,
and I only wish I had someone there
that had given up babies, that
could
tell
me
how
terrible
it
is
to
give
up
babies.
I
just
think
that,
it
would be something you will regret every single
day for the rest
of your life. So, how
ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would
be
like
a
million
times
harder
to
give
up
a
child.
(Phoebe
is
playing
with
the
puppy
again,
and
not
listening)
I
really
shouldn’t
have
given
you
the puppy first.
Phoebe:
All right, I’m sorry.
用心
爱心
专心
亲爱的
,
她和你将会不同的
.
你们的性生活一
定会非常好的，
因为你俩
都都深爱着对方呀
.
真的吗
?
-
当然
!
Chandler,
你大胆的向前
.
对
,
你应该那么做
.
-
对，真的，去吧！
快去
.
好，那好吧
< br>,,
我这就去和我女朋友睡觉
.
但是，我这么做，只是为了你们
.
接下来这头乳齿象
是来自侏罗纪中后期
.
乳齿象不是来自上新世吗
?
嘘嘘
!
这里是博物馆
,
不许讲话
.
这里是一个大脚
.
这里是我们的
Ross Geller.
大家向
Ross
挥手说
'
嗨
'.
Ross
是博
物馆里最重要的科学家之一
,
快
看看他
，工作多努力
.
好
,
继续向前
.
快
.
门开着呢
,
进来吧
.
-
嗨
!
不好意思，我来晚了
.
哦，没事
,
我正好有时间给乳头上釉
.
哇
!
你等客人时，还真是竭尽全力
.
没有
,
我刚刚在做陶器
.
哦！哦
!
我不知道你会做
...
罐子
.
啊
,
是呀
.
大部分是裸体的
.
它结合了我的两大嗜好，陶器和色情艺
术
.
哦
!!
情色陶器
!
嘿
!
嗯，谢谢你来见我
.
我只是
-
我很高兴能以我的亲身经历
和你聊聊生儿育女的事情
好吧
.
Phoebe,
我真的认为你不应该那么做
.
为什么呢
?
嗯
,
因为你将要把孩子送交给别人
,
怎
么和你说呢
...
我不知道怎么说才能让你理解
放弃孩
子时的那份痛楚
,
因此
,
喔，不
!
不
-
不
!
我理解那痛的感觉
!
别，
别伤害这个小狗
.
不
-
不
,
这个小狗是你的啦
.
哈哈
,
我有小狗了
!!
嗯
,
对
!
是的
,
但只是
3
天
.
为什么
?
4