1. TED-domestic violence

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My

topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question

everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with

a story to tell.

0:42

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job

as

a

writer

and

editor

at

Seventeen

magazine.

I

had

my

first

apartment,

my

first

little

green

American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with

hollow-point

bullets

pointed

at

my

head

by

the

man

who

I

thought

was

my

soulmate,

many,

many

times.

The

man

who

I

loved

more

than

anybody

on

Earth

held

a

gun

to

my

head

and

threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy

love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall

into every year. It may even be your story.

1:39

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for

Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've

been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My

dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)

2:08

So

my

first

message

for

you

is

that

domestic

violence

happens

to

everyone

--

all

races,

all

religions,

all

income

and

education

levels.

It's

everywhere.

And

my

second

message

is

that

everyone

thinks

domestic

violence

happens

to

women,

that

it's

a

women's

issue.

Not

exactly.

Over

85

percent

of

abusers

are

men,

and

domestic

abuse

happens

only

in

intimate,

interdependent,

long-term

relationships,

in

other

words,

in

families,

the

last

place

we

would

want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

2:48

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who

beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United

States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women

of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners,

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

3:22

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs

or its patterns.

3:30

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and

he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from

an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made

the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked

like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and

he seemed so sweet.

4:05

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I

was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing

me.

We

started

dating,

and

he

loved

everything

about

me,

that

I

was

smart,

that

I'd

gone

to

Harvard,

that

I

was

passionate

about

helping

teenage

girls,

and

my

job.

He

wanted

to

know

everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me,

as

a

writer

and

a

woman,

in

a

way

that

no

one

else

ever

had.

And

he

also

created

a

magical

atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy

starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and

the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though

he

was

very

smart,

and

he'd

spent

almost

20

years

rebuilding

his

life.

Which

is

why

that

Ivy

League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you

had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether

or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends

were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of

violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any

domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

5:51

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home

one day and announce,

to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you

—

(Laughter)

—

get

you

out

of

this

apartment

where

the

neighbors

can

hear

you

scream

and

out

of

this

city

where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises.

home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he

said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that

he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where

he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New

York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I

quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.

7:20

The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how

she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you

know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept

one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third

one

he

kept

in

his

pocket

at

all

times. And

he

said

that

he

needed

those

guns

because

of

the

trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were

really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in

grave danger every minute of every day.

8:08

Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my

nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I

got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my