-
英语笑话【
Laughter
】
Recently,I
received a call from a woman who wanted to replace
some
chair of a dining set bought from
us in the 1930s.I assured her we could
help
and
sought
the
assistance
of
the
office
manage
r.
“
You
’
ll
never
beileve
this
one,
”
I
told
the
office
manager.
“
I
just
got
a
call
from
a
customer
who
bought
some
chair
from
us
in
the
1930s.
”
Before
I
could
finish,he
interrupted
and
s
aid,
“
Don
’
< br>t
tell
me
she
hasn
’
t
received
them
yet!
”
最近，我接到一个妇女的电话。她上个世纪
30
年代从我们这里
买了一套餐厅家具，现在想来换一些椅子。我跟她说我们可以帮忙，
并向部门经理提了出来。
“你肯定不会相信，
”我对部门经
理说，
“我
刚接到一个顾客的电话，
她
在
30
年代就从我们这买了一些椅子。
”
我
还没来得及说完，经理就打断我说：
“不要告诉我她到现在还没有收
到货啊！
”
< br>
Man:Why did you make
women so beautiful?
God:So that you
will love them.
Man:But why did you
make them so dumb?
God:So that they
will lov you.
男子：你为什么让女人生得那么美？
上帝：这样你才会爱上她们呀！
男子：可你为什么又让女人那么笨呢？
上帝：这样她们才会爱上你呀！
Father:Is the school closed today?
Son:No,
’
s poen.I
came home early.
Father:How did you do
that?
Son:I told my teacher I had a new
baby brother and had to come home
and
help you.
Father:But
your
mother
has
had
’
ve
got
a
baby
brother
and
a
baby sister.
Son:Yes,I
know,Dad.I
’
m saving up my
baby sister for next week.
父亲：今天学校放假了吗？
儿子：没有，爸爸。我提前回来了。
父亲：为什么？
儿子：我跟老师说，我有一个小弟弟，我得回家帮你。
父亲：但是你妈妈生了双胞胎，你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹。
儿子：是的，我知道，爸爸，我要等下个星期再说我有个小妹妹了。
After waiting over 3
frustrating hours at the airport for the arrival
of
a plane that had been delayed for
take-off, a man approached the boarding
desk and asked for an arrival-time was
concerned because he
was meeting his
nephew and this was the
boy
’
s 1st
flight.
＂
How old is
the boy?
＂
the
airline representative asked
solicitously.
＂
He was 6 when
he left for the
airport,
＂
the man replied
sharply.
因飞机起飞延误，
一个人在机场等着接人已
3
个小时了。
他走近
< br>问询处打听飞机到达时间的最新消息。
他非常着急，
因为
他是来接侄
子的，而侄子是第一次乘飞机。
“男孩多大了？”航
空公司的人关心
的问。
“他出发去机场时
6
岁。
”他毫不客气地回答。
Dear
God:I
bet
it
is
very
hard
to
love
everyone
in
the
whole
are
only 4 people in our family and
I
’
m havingf a hard time
loving all of them.
亲爱的上帝：
我猜爱世界上每一个人
是很困难的事。
我家只有
4
个人，
可我爱
他们都很难。
Three
fastest
means
of
communcation:-Phone
-Vision
-a Woman
For
faster transmission-Tell her not to tell anybody.
三种最快的传播方式：
1.
电话
2.
电视
3.
告诉女人
如果想要传播
更快，告诉她别跟任何人说。
Customer:Everyday you
charge me money for a cup of will be
wonderful if you serve me coffee free
of charge today.
Waiter:Sir,everyday
you
drink
coffee
from
a
filled
be
wonderful if
youdrink it from an empty cup today.
顾客：你每天都收我咖啡的钱，要是今天不收就太好了。
服务员：先生，
你每天都从盛满咖啡的杯子里喝咖啡，要是今天从空
杯子里喝就好了。
Attorney:She had 3 children,right?
Witness:Yes.
Attorney:How
many were boys?
Witness:None.
Attorney:Were there any girls?
< br>律师：她有
3
个孩子，是吗？
证人：是的。
律师：几个男孩？
证人：没有男孩。
律师：有女孩吗？
John:Daddy, are caterpillars good to
eat?
Father:Have I not told you never
to mention such things during meals!
Mother:Why did you ask the
question,John?
John:It
’
s
because
I
saw
one
on
daddy
’
s
on
daddy
’
s
lettuce,but
now
it
’
s
gone.
约翰：爸爸，毛毛虫能吃吗
?
爸爸：我没告诉过你不能在吃饭时说这些吗？
妈妈：你为什么问这个呢，约翰？
约翰：因为我看到爸爸的生菜里有一只，不过现在没了。
A man goes to a chemist and asks for a
cure chemist
makes the man bend over
and gives him a hard slap on his back and
asks,
＂
Have they
gone?
＂
The man
replied,
＂
I
don
’
t know,my
wife
’
s in
the car
but I
’
ll
check.
＂
一个男
人去问药剂师怎么治打嗝。
要及时让他弯下腰，
然后狠狠
地在他背上拍了一下问：
“还打嗝吗？”男人回答：
< br>“我不知道，我老
婆在车里，我去看看。
”
In a hospital waiting
room:Smoking help you lose
weight
…
one lung
at a time!
医院候诊室：吸烟有助于减肥，一次减一个肺。
A lady noticed her husband
standing on the bathroom scale,sucking
in
his
ng
he
was
trying
to
weigh
less
with
this
maneuver,she
commented,
＂
I
don
’
t think
that
’
s going to
help.
＂＂
Sure it
will,
＂
he said.
＂
It
’
s the
only way I can see the
numbers.
＂
一个女人看见丈
夫使劲收腹站在体重秤上，以为他想称得轻一
点，就说：
“没用
的。
”丈夫说：
“当然有用，这样我才能看到秤上的
数字。
”
A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can
spend .A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. <
/p>
成功的男人是赚的钱比老婆花的钱多的人，
成功的女人是能找到<
/p>
这样的男人的人。
Customer:I
’
ve
been ringing 07002300 for 2 days and
can
’
t get through to
enquiries,can you help?
Operator:Where did you get that number
form,sir?
Customer:It was on the door
to the Travel Centre.
Operator:Sir,they
are our opening hours.
顾客：我拨
07002300
拨了两天都没人接，怎么回事呀？
接线员：先生，请问您在哪看到这个号码的？
顾客：旅行社门上。
接线员：先生，那是我们的营业时间。
Marriage
is
the
triumph
of
imagination
over
marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
结婚是幻想战胜了智慧，二婚是希望战胜了经验。
Tom:How should I convery
the news to my father that I have failed my
exams again?
David:You just
send a telegram:Result declared,past
year
’
s performance
repeated.
汤姆：我怎么跟我爸爸说考试挂了呢？
大卫：发个电报：结果已出，去年成绩在现。
Friend:How many women do
you believe a man must marry?
:16.
Friend:Why?
:Because
the
priest
say
4
(for)richer,4
poorer,4
better
and
4
worse.
朋友：你认为男人应该娶几个女人？
憨豆先生：
16
个。
朋友：为什么？
憨豆先生：因为牧师
说
4
个富的，
4
个穷的，
4
个好的，
4
个坏的。
＂
Can I go to the
theatre?
＂
asked a mosquito to
her mother.
＂
Yes,but
be aware and pay attention during the
applause.
＂
“我可以去电
影院吗？”
一只蚊子问妈妈。
“可以，
但是要小心，
观众鼓掌的时候可要留神。
”
A
new
vacuum
cleaner
salesman
knocked
on
the
door
at
the
first
house on the the lady could speak,the
enthusiastc salesman
barged
into
the
living
room
and
opened
a
big
black
plastic
bag
and
poured
all
the
cow
droppings
onto
the
carpet.
＂
Madam,if
I
could
not
clean this up with the use of this new
powerful vacuum cleaner,I will est
it
all!
＂
exclaimed
the
eager
salesman.
＂
Do
you
need
chilli
sauce
or
ketchup
with
that?
＂
asked
the
bewildered
salesman
asked,
＂
Why ,madam
?
＂＂
There
’
< br>s no electricity in the house,
＂
said the lady.
一个吸尘器推销员敲开街上第一户人家的门。
女主人还没来得及
说话，推销员就冲进屋子，打开大黑塑料袋，把牛粪倒在地毯上说，
“夫人，
如果我不能用这个吸尘器清理干净，就吃掉这些牛粪！
”女
主人
问：
“你需要辣椒酱还是番茄酱？”
推销员疑惑的问：
“为什么？”
女主人说：
“屋里没电。
”
A
teacher was given a ticket for driving through a
red light. When
she appeared in traffic
court,she asked the judge for immediate attention
to her case
as
she
was due
to
be
back
in
judge
looked
at her
sternly
and
said,
＂
So,you
’
re
a
school
teacher?I
am
about
sit down at that table over there and
write
＇
I went through a red
light
＇
500
times!
＂
一名教师因为闯红灯被开罚单。
她到了交通法庭后，
要求法
官先
处理她的案子，因为她要赶回去上课。法官严厉地看着她说：
“你是
老师啊，那我终于可以实现我这辈子的愿望了。你坐到桌子那边去，
写
500
遍‘我闯红灯了’
！
”
Interviewer:Imagine
you
are
in
a
locked
room,and
all
the
doors
and
windows are can you
escape if the room catches
fire
？
John:Simple!Stop imagining.
面试官：想像一下，你被锁在一间屋子里，所有的门窗都关上了。如
果屋子着火了，你怎
么逃出去？
约翰：简单，停止想想。
Soon after their wedding,the bride told
her groom,
＂
Darling,now that
we are married,I want you to fire your
secretary.
＂＂
But
honey,
＂
replied
the
groom,
＂
You
used
to
be
a
secretary
youse
lf.
＂
＂
Yes,
< br>＂
she
continued,
＂
and
that
’
s why Iwant you to fire
her!
＂
婚礼一结束，
新娘就对新郎说：
“
心爱的，
我想
让你开除你的秘书。
”
新郎说：
“但是
，亲爱的，你自己以前也是秘书啊。
”新娘说：
“是啊，
所以我才让你开出她。
”
A man was bragging about
his sister who disguised herself as a man
and joined the ers said,
＂
She
’
ll have to dress
with the boys
and
shower
with
them
’
t
she
?
＂＂
Sure,
＂
< br>replied
the
man.
＂
Well,won
’
t
they find out?
＂
The man
shrugged.
＂
But
who
’
ll
tell?
＂
一个男人吹牛说他妹妹
打扮成男人参军了。听的人说：
“那她得
穿男人的衣服，还得和
他们一起洗澡了？”男人人说：
“当然。
”听的
人说：
“那他们不会发现吗？”男人耸耸肩说：
“但谁
会说出去呀？”
Teacher:Sam,youtalk a lot!
Sam:It
’
s a family
tradition.
Teacher:What doyoumean?
Sam:Sir,My grandpa was a street
hawker,my father is a teacher.
Teacher:What about your mother?
Sam:She
’
s a
woman.
老师：萨姆，你说话太多了！
萨姆：这是家庭传统。
老师：什么意思？
萨姆：先生，我祖父是街头小贩，我爸爸是老师。
老师：那你妈妈呢？
萨姆：她是女人。
Teacher:What are some products of the
West Indies?
Student:I
don
’
t know.
Teacher:Of course,you do you get sugar
from?
Student:We borrow it from our
neighbor.
老师：西印度群岛都产什么？
学生：不知道。
老师：你当然知道。糖从哪来的？
学生：邻居家借的。
John was drawing money from an ,who was
right behind him
in
line
said,
＂
Ha!Ha!I
’
ve
seen
your
’
s
4
asterisks.
＂
John <
/p>
replied,
＂
Ha!Ha!You
are
’
s
1258
＂
约翰正从自动取款机取钱
。站在他身后的杰克说：
“哈哈，我看到
了你的密码了，是４个
星。
”约翰回答说：
“哈哈，你错了，是１２５
８”
A
womgan
and
her
husband
interrupted
their
vacation
to
go
to
the
dentist.
＂
I want a
tooth pulled,and I don
’
t
want Novocain because I
’
m in
a big hurry,
＂
the
woman dentist was quite impressed.
＂
You
’
re
certainly
a
courageous
woman,
＂
he
said.
＂
Which
tooth
is
it?
＂
The
woman turned to her husband and
said,
＂
Show him your tooth
dear.
＂
一个女人和丈夫在休假
期间去看牙医。女人说：
“我要拔牙，我们赶
时间就不用打麻药
了。
”牙医惊讶地说：
“您太勇敢了，要拔哪颗？”
女人转过头对丈夫说：
“亲爱的，给他看看你的牙。
”
Santa:Wwhat
kind of wife do you want?
Pappu:Exactly
like the moon:one which appears at night and
disappears
in the morning!
圣诞老人：你想要什么样的老婆？
帕普：像月亮那样的，晚上出来白天消失。
Law
of
encounters:The
probabillty
of
meeting
someone
you
know
increases when you are with someone you
don
’
t want to be seen with.
相遇定律：你越不想被人碰到跟某人在一起，就越是被人碰到。
Law of queue:If you change
queues,the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in
now.
排队定律：
如果你换一队，
刚离开的那队就会比现在的这队走得
快。
Customer:Waiter,waiter!There is a frog
in my soup!
Waiter:Sory, fly is on
vacation.
顾客：服务员，服务员！我的汤里有只青蛙！
服务员：对不起，先生。苍蝇放假了。
Boss:I
’
ll
give
you
RMB3000
per
month
and
in
3
months,I
’
ll raise
it
to
when would
you like to start?
John:In 3 months.
老板：我每月给你
3000
元，
3
个月后涨到
6000
元
。你想什么时候开
始工作。
约翰：<
/p>
3
个月后。