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英语短文笑话
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a
swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us
which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know
the answer.
Teacher: Please
tell us.
Student: The
swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is
beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师：
这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。
谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
鱼网
你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？
老师发问道。
把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼
网了。
小女孩回答道。
3. The New
Teacher
George comes from
school on the first of September.
that
two and four were six too.....
新老师
9
月
1
日，
乔治放学回到家里。
乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？
妈妈问。
妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说
3
加
3
得
6,
可后来又说
< br>2
加
4
也得
6
。
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick
finished the first question very soon, while his
classmates were thinking it hard.
The
question was: When it thunders why do we see the
lighting first, then hear the
thunderrolls?
Nick's answer: Because our eyes are
before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷
声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
A carpenter was giving
evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The
judge asked him
how far away he was
from the accident.
The carpenter
replied
.
距事故的距离
一个木匠为一个目击的
事故做证词
.
法官问他与事故发生地方的距离有多远
.
这个木匠回答道
:
英
尺
6.5
英寸远
.
什么
?
你怎么对这个距离如此肯定
?
这个法官问道
.
< br>
噢
,
我知道有些白痴会问我
,
所以我测量了一下
.
这个木匠回答道
.
称重
An irritated
woman burst into the baker's shop and
said:
cookies this morning, but when I
weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest
that
you check your scales.
The baker looked at her calmly for a
moment or two and then replied:
weigh
your son.
一个女人怒气冲冲的闯进面包店，说：
“<
/p>
今早上我让我儿子买了
2
磅的饼干，但是
当我称它们
的时候却只有一磅了。我觉得你的称有问题
”
。
面包师镇定的看了看女人，说：
“
女士，我觉
得您该回去称一称您的儿子
”
Trouble you again
A robust-lookinggentleman
ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and
topped it off
with some Napoleon
brandy, then he summoned the
headwaiter
.
pleasantly,
for it, you had me thrown into the
gutter
like a common
bum
?
<
/p>
.
headwaiter
.
再次麻烦你
一个看
起来很健壮的绅士在一个很贵的餐厅吃完精致的早餐并且喝了一些拿破仑白兰
地。然后他叫来服务生领班，
“
你还记得吗？
”
他愉快的说道，
“
大概一年以前，我在这里像这
样就餐，然后因为
我付不起帐，你把我想乞丐一样扔进排水沟里
”
“
非常抱歉先生
”
后悔的服务生领班说道。<
/p>
“
噢，那非常不错
”
这个客人道，
“
但是
我恐怕还得再麻烦你一次。
”
词汇
：
1
、
gutter n.
排水沟，臭水沟；
2
、
bum n.
二流子，乞丐；
3
、
headwaiter
n.
领班
丈夫和妻子
Wife: You
tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes
out of the other
.
Husband:
You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears
and comes out of the mouth.
妻子：你给男人说点事，
他左耳朵进，右耳朵出。
(
转身就给忘了
)
丈夫：你给女人说点事，她两个耳朵都听进去了，可是从嘴里出来了。
你吹牛吧！
The little
John taught his
parrot
to
speak
simulated
as almost the same as he did.
You
talk big
小约翰教他的鹦鹉说话
“
< br>跟我说，我会走路
.
我会走路<
/p>
”
鹦鹉跟着说。
“
我会说话。
”
< br>“
我会说话。
”
鹦鹉模仿的和他
说的几乎一模一样。
“
我会飞。
”
“
你吹牛吧。
”
鹦鹉不假思索地说。
相关词汇解析：
n.
鹦鹉；
te
vt.
模仿
Five years experience and imagination
Several weeks after a young man had
been hired, he was called into the personnel
director's
office.
told us you had five years'
experience. Now we discover this is the first job
you ever
held.
imagination.
5
年经验和丰富想像力
只上了几周班的年轻人被叫到了人事主管的办公室。
“
这是什么意思？
”
主
管问到
“
你应聘这从份工作的时候，你告诉我们，你有五年的经
验。现在
我们确发现，这是你的第一份工作。
”
“
是的
”
< br>。年轻人说，
“
你在应聘广告中说到，你想要的是一个有
想像力的员工呀！
”
Proposal
An
enormously
wealthy
65-year-old
man
falls
in
love
with
a
young
woman
in
her
twenties and is
contemplating
a proposal.
,
求婚
一位非常富有的男人在他
65
< br>岁的爱上了一位
20
岁的年轻女孩，他打算向她求婚。<
/p>
“
你认为如果我告诉她我现在
45
岁她会答应嫁给我吗？
”
< br>他问他的一个朋友。
他的朋友回答：
< br>“
如果你告诉她你现在
90
岁的
话，你成功的机率会更大。
”
相关词汇解析：
al n.
求婚；
（
还有建议，
提案等，
之前有学过了，
大家还记得吗？）
usly
adj.
巨大的，庞大的；
３
.contemplate vt.
预期，计划
We Left
Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the
day. She locked the house and tacked a note for
the
milkman on the door:
NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.
When she got back that night, she found
her door broken open and her house
ransacked. On the note she had left,
she found the following message added:
THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!
We Left Nothing
布朗太太这天出门，走之前在门上订了个便条给送奶工：
屋里没人，什么都不用留。
晚上当她
回家的时候，她发现她的门已经被砸开，屋子被洗劫一空。
在她留的便条上，她发现被加一行留言：
谢谢！我们什么都没留下！
迟了四十年
An old
fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was
startled awake by the
doorbell. He
staggered
off the
couch
to make his way to the
door
. There stood a
gorgeous
young
woman.
exclaimed
,
.
too
late.
迟了四十年
一老头睡得正
香，突然被门铃声惊醒了，于是他缓缓地从沙发走向门口。开门一看，是一个
年轻美丽的
女人。
“
天哪，我找错地方了
”
，少妇惊呼。
“
宝贝，你没走错，你只是迟了四十年。
”
老人说道。
相关词汇解析
1.
stagger vi.
摇摇晃晃
,
蹒跚而行
us
adj.
华丽的，秀色可餐的，极好的
m vi
惊叫，呼喊
英语笑话短文
Pig or Witch
A
man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A
woman is driving down the same road. As
they pass each other, the woman leans
out of the window and yells
leans out
of his window and replies,
女巫
)!!
man
rounds
the
next
corner,
he
crashes
into
a
pig
in
the
middle
of
the
road.
If
only
men
would
listen.
猪还是女巫
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而
来。他们相遇时，那个女的从
窗中伸出头来叫到：
“
猪！
！
”
那个男的立即从
窗中伸出头来回敬道：
“
女巫！
！
”
他们继续前行。
这个男的在下一个路口转
弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意
思就好了。
————————————————————
————————————————————
—
Response Ability
An
Ogden,
Iowa,
minister
was
matching
coins
with
a
member
of
his
congregation
for
a
cup
of
coffee. When asked if that didn't
constitute gambling, the minister replied,
method of determining just who is going
to commit an act of charity.
Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if
he was willing to die for his beliers, replied:
After all, I may be wrong.
A
newspaper
organized
a
contest
for
the
best
answer
to
the
question:
a
fire
broke
out
in
the
Louvre, and if you could
only save one painting, which one would you carry
out?
The winning reply was:
答问技巧
衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌
博
行为时，牧师答道：
“
这仅仅是决定
由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。
”
当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：
“
< br>当然不会。毕竟，我可能会
是错的。
”
一份报
纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：
“
如果卢浮宫
起了火，而你只能救出
一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？
”
获奖的答案是：
“
< br>最接近门口的那一幅。
”
—
———————————————————————————————————————
Jonesie The Great Lion
Hunter
A small village was
troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter,
Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.
For
several
nights
the
hunter
lay
in
wait
for
the
lion,
but
it
never
appeared.
Finally,
he
told
the
village chief to kill a cow and give
him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders,
he went to the
pasture to wait for the
lion.
In the middle of the
night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-
curdling shrieks coming from
the
pasture.
As
they
carefully
approached,
they
saw
the
hunter
on
the
ground,
groaning
in
pain.
There
was no sign of the lion.
伟大的猎手
Jonesie
有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。
于是，
村长派人去请伟大的猎手
Jonesie
来杀死这只
野兽。
猎手躺着等
了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。
把羊皮披
在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。
半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草
地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。
“Jonesie
，怎么了？狮子在哪？
”
村长问。
“<
/p>
哪有狮子！
”
猎人怒吼道，
“
哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？
”
———————————————————————————
—————————————
Weather Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the
desert. One day an old Indian went up to the
director and
said,
A week later, the Indian went up to the
director and said,
was a hailstorm.
weather.
However, after several
successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show
up for two weeks.
Finally
the director sent for him.
depending on
you. What will the weather be like?
The Indian shrugged his shoulders.
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作
.
一天
,
一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说
明天下雨
.
第二
天果然下雨了
.
一周后
,
印度人又来告诉导演说
,
明天有风暴
.
果然
,
第二天下了雹暴
.
印度人真神
,
导演说
.
他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气
.
几次预报都很成功
.
然后
,
接下来的两周
,
印度人不见了
.
最后
,
导演派人去把他叫来了
.
我明天必须拍一个很大的场景
,
导演说
,
这得靠你了
.
明天
天气
如何啊
?
印度人耸了耸肩
.
我不知道
,
印度人说
,
收音机坏了
.
—————————————————————————
———————————————
——
I
Am Acting Like a Lady
One
day
when
women's
dresses
were
on
sale
at
the
FarEast
Department
Store,
a
dignified
middle-aged
man
decided
to
get
his
wife
a
piece.
But
he
soon
found
himself
being
battered
by
frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then,
with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed
through the
crowed.
lady.
我要表现得象位女士
一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，
他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。
他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。
“
你干嘛？
”
有人尖声叫道，
“
你难道不能表现得
象位绅士吗？
”
“
听着，
”
他说，
“
我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。
”<
/p>
Love is a pair
of corn. Then they decided to get married. On the
wedding day, corn can't find his
wife.
The corn is asked of popcorn: you see
our house corn?
Popcorn: dear, wearing
a white dress.
穿婚纱
有
一对玉米相爱了
.
于是它们决定结婚
.
结婚那天
,
玉米找不到他的妻子了
.
这个玉米就问身旁的爆米花
:
你看到我们家玉
米了吗
?
爆米花
:
亲
爱的
,
人家穿婚纱了嘛
.
鱼网
你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？
老师发问道。
把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼
网了。
小女孩回答道。
Mrs. Brown: Oh,
my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an
advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown:
It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
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