a journey to the center of the earth

Considering that it is inspired--no matter how loosely--by the

works of master fantasist Jules Verne, I went into the screening

of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island expecting to see the

unexpected. Hell, the tagline on the poster says Believe The

Impossible. Discover The Incredible. and we all know that movie

studios would never try to inflate their claims in order to make a

poster seem spectacular. As it turns out, the statements on the

poster are indeed true, though perhaps not in the way that one

might have hoped or expected. For example, while it might seem

impossible to believe, the filmmakers have somehow managed to

take the inspiration of Verne's work and transformed it into the

kind of brainless exercise that plays like the cinematic version of

the kind of excitement-free video game that comes free with the

purchase of one of those systems that disappears from shelves

after a few months of total consumer disinterest. Additionally,

older viewers may find it incredible to discover that Michael

Caine has at long last managed to appear in a movie with the

word island in the title that is even worse than The Island.

Finally, as impossible and incredible as it may seem, the

existence of this particular film means that, against all odds, the

3D refurbishing of the already dreadful The Phantom Menace

will not be the worst multi- dimensional family entertainment

opening this weekend.

To be fair to Verne, Journey 2 (as it shall be referred to from

here on in) is not specifically based on his works, much to the

presumed relief of his heirs. In fact, it is a loose sequel to

Journey to the Center of the Earth, a 2007 epic that was

apparently seen by many, remembered by few (trust me, you

hadn't given it a second thought since it originally came out and

you know it) and is perhaps best known now for being one of the

films that sparked the current 3D revival. That film, you won't

recall, tried to do for Verne what The Da Vinci Code did for Da

Vinci by formulating the conceit that what he wrote was not

science-fiction at all but accurate accounts of inexplicable lands

and creatures hidden throughout the world. You will also fail to

recall that this film featured so-called Vernian Brendan Fraser,

petulant brat nephew Josh Hutcherson and a hot Icelandic babe

whose name currently escapes me as they found their way to the

center of the Earth and encountered all sorts of theoretically

awe- inspiring creatures that might have looked better if they

hadn't been rendered murky by the light-dimming 3D process

that didn't quite coalesce with the whole center-of- the-earth

concept. Somewhat fuzzy on the whole experience myself, I

quickly snuck a peek at what I had written about the film when

it first came out and discovered that while I didn't exactly go out

of my way to recommend it, I didn't entirely tear it to pieces and

more or less admitted that if I had been a 10-year-old boy, I

might have embraced both the film and the 3D gimmick a little

more fully. Of course, while my 10-year-old self was always

susceptible to big-screen silliness of a cheerfully screwball

manner, he also had a certain degree of taste and were he to

have been exposed to the likes of Journey 2, I would like to think

that he would have simply walked away and found something

better to do.

One person who did apparently have something better to do is

Brendan Fraser, who is nowhere to be seen here. This may not

seem like a big deal to you--after all, most movies produced

today are done without the participation of Brendan Fraser and

few of them seem to have suffered for the inconvenience--but the

fact that he presumably spit the bit at doing this one is just

about the biggest red flag imaginable. Considering the fact that

his filmography is studded with the jaw-dropping likes of

Monkeybone, Inkheart, Furry Vengeance and Crash, it is more

than clear that this is a guy who is not exactly selective when it

comes to picking scripts featuring implausible creatures

roaming bout. And yet, even though I assume that they offered

him the chance to appear in this film in the name of continuity,

he declined a chance at a repeat performance. If this is all

true--and I admit that I don't exactly know the specifics one way

or another--then it presumably means that there are indeed

some things that Brendan Fraser won't do for money. It reminds

me of the old joke about the Polish soldier on leave for the

weekend. He goes into a bar of a slightly disreputable nature and

meets a lady of a certain reputation. They go back to her place

and spend the night exploring their mutual interests, if you

know what I mean. In the morning, the soldier gets dressed and

is about to leave when the lady asks Hey, what about the money?

The guy looks all insulted, stands up straight and in a huff

retorts Hmph, a Polish officer never accepts money.

Anyway, without Fraser or the hot Icelandic gal (who could

inspire any number of equally thoughtful jokes as well but ones

perhaps best saved for another time), that leaves us with only

Hutcherson to serve as the only connective tissue between the

two films as Sean, the budding Vernian who intercepts a radio

signal that may have been sent from his long-lost grandfather

from the seemingly mythical Mysterious Island. Perhaps

realizing that Hutcherson's appeal is somewhat limited--imagine

Logan Lerman without the pathos--the producers have made an