-
1
、
I
asked
God
for
a
bike,
but
I
know
God
doesn't
work
that
way.
So
I
stole
a
bik
e
and
asked
for
forgiveness.
2
、
I
want
to
die
peacefully
in
my
sleep,
like
my
grandfather..
Not
screaming
and
ye
lling
like
the
passengers
in
his
car.
3
、
Do
not
argue
with
an
idiot.
He
will
drag
you
down
to
his
level
and
beat
you
wit
h
experience.
4
、
The
last
thing
I
want
to
do
is
hurt
you.
But
it's
still
on
the
list.
5
、
If
sex
is
a
pain
in
the
ass,
then
you're
doing
it
wrong...
6
、
The
early
bird
might
get
the
worm,
but
the
second
mouse
gets
the
cheese.
7
、
We
live
in
a
society
where
pizza
gets
to
your
house
before
the
police.
8
、
Having
sex
is
like
playing
bridge.
If
you
don't
have
a
good
partner,
you'd
better
have
a
good
hand.
9
、
Some
people
are
like
Slinkies ...
not
really
good
for
anything,
but
you
can't
help
smiling
when
you
see
one
tumble
down
the
stairs.
10
、
Politicians
and
diapers
have
one
thing
in
common.
They
should
both
be
change
d
regularly,
and
for
the
same
reason.
11
、
War
does
not
determine
who
is
right
-
only
who
is
left.
12
、
Women
might
be
able
to
fake
orgasms.
But
men
can
fake
a
whole
relationship.
13
、
We
never
really
grow
up,
we
only
learn
how
to
act
in
public.
14
、
Men
have
two
emotions:
Hungry
and
Horny.
If
you
see
him
without
an
erection,
make
him
a
sandwich.
15
、
Light
travels
faster
than
sound.
This
is
why
some
people
appear
bright
until
yo
u
hear
them
speak.
16
、
My
mother
never
saw
the
irony
in
calling
me
a
son-of-a-bitch.
17
、
I
thought
I
wanted
a
career,
turns
out
I
just
wanted
paychecks.
18
、
If
you
think
nobody
cares
if
you're
alive,
try
missing
a
couple
of
payments.
19
、
Sex
is
not
the
answer.
Sex
is
the
question.
is
the
answer.
20
、
Evening
news
is
where
they
begin
with
'Good
evening',
and
then
proceed
to
tel
l
you
why
it
isn't.
21
、
How
is
it
one
careless
match
can
start
a
forest
fire,
but
it
takes
a
whole
box
t
o
start
a
campfire?
22
、
If
4
out
of
5
people
SUFFER
from
diarrhea...
does
that
mean
that
one
enjoys
i
t?
23
、
Knowledge
is
knowing
a
tomato
is
a
fruit;
Wisdom
is
not
putting
it
in
a
fruit
sa
lad.
24
、
If
God
is
watching
us,
the
least
we
can
do
is
be
entertaining.
25
、
Never,
under
any
circumstances,
take
a
sleeping
pill
and
a
laxative
on
the
same
night.
26
、
I
didn't
fight
my
way
to
the
top
of
the
food
chain
to
be
a
vegetarian
27
、
A
bus
station
is
where
a
bus
stops.
A
train
station
is
where
a
train
stops.
On
my
desk,
I
have
a
work
station..
28
、
If
I
agreed
with
you
we'd
both
be
wrong.
29
、
Did
you
know
that
dolphins
are
so
smart
that
within
a
few
weeks
of
captivity,
t
hey
can
train
people
to
stand
on
the
very
edge
of
the
pool
and
throw
them
fish?
30
、
A
computer
once
beat
me
at
chess,
but
it
was
no
match
for
me
at
kick
boxing.
31
、
I
saw
a
woman
wearing
a
sweat
shirt
with
on
it...so
I
said
32
、
Children:
You
spend
the
first
2
years
of
their
life
teaching
them
to
walk
and
tal
k.
Then
you
spend
the
next
16
years
telling
them
to
sit
down
and
shut-up.
33
、
Why
does
someone
believe
you
when
you
say
there
are
four
billion
stars,
but
c
heck
when
you
say
the
paint
is
wet?
34
、
Better
to
remain
silent
and
be
thought
a
fool,
than
to
speak
and
remove
all
do
ubt.
35
、
A
bank
is
a
place
that
will
lend
you
money,
if
you
can
prove
that
you
don't
ne
ed
it.
36
、
Laugh
at
your
problems,
everybody
else
does.
37
、
The
voices
in
my
head
may
not
be
real,
but
they
have
some
good
ideas!
38
、
A
clear
conscience
is
usually
the
sign
of
a
bad
memory.
39
、
Good
girls
are
bad
girls
that
never
get
caught.
40
、
He
who
smiles
in
a
crisis
has
found
someone
to
blame.
41
、
Women
will
never
be
equal
to
men
until
they
can
walk
down
the
street
with
a
bald
head
and
a
beer
gut,
and
still
think
they
are
sexy.
42
、
The
shinbone
is
a
device
for
finding
furniture
in
a
dark
room.
43
、
The
main
reason
Santa
is
so
jolly
is
because
he
knows
where
all
the
bad
girls
l
ive.
44
、
To
steal
ideas
from
one
person
is
plagiarism.
To
steal
from
many
is
research.
45
、
Some
cause
happiness
wherever
they
go.
Others
whenever
they
go.
46
、
I
discovered
I
scream
the
same
way
whether
I'm
about
to
be
devoured
by
a
gr
eat
white
shark
or
if
a
piece
of
seaweed
touches
my
foot.
47
、
Crowded
elevators
smell
different
to
midgets.
48
、
I
didn't
say
it
was
your
fault,
I
said
I
was
blaming
you.
49
、
Whenever
I
fill
out
an
application,
in
the
part
that
says
an
emergency,
notif
y:
I
put
What's
my
mother
going
to
do?
50
、
God
must
love
stupid
people.
He
made
SO
many.
51
、
Behind
every
successful
man
is
his
woman.
Behind
the
fall
of
a
successful
man
is
usually
another
woman.
52
、
I
always
take
life
with
a
grain
of
salt, ...plus
a
slice
of
lemon, ...and
a
shot
of
tequila.
53
、
The
sole
purpose
of
a
child's
middle
name,
is
so
he
can
tell
when
he's
really
i
n
trouble.
54
、
It's
not
the
fall
that
kills
you;
it's
the
sudden
stop
at
the
end.
55
、
Artificial
intelligence
is
no
match
for
natural
stupidity.
56
、
Never
hit
a
man
with
glasses.
Hit
him
with
a
baseball
bat.
57
、
There's
a
fine
line
between
cuddling
and
holding
someone
down
so
they
can't
g
et
away.
58
、
A
bargain
is
something
you
don't
need
at
a
price
you
can't
resist.
59
、
Never
get
into
fights
with
ugly
people,
they
have
nothing
to
lose.