-
Season 1
101
The
One
Where
Monica
Gets
a
New
Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
[Scene: Central Perk,
Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and
Monica are
there.]
Monica:
There's
nothing
to
tell!
He's
just
some
guy I
work with!
Joey:
C'mon,
you're
going
out
with
the
guy!
There's
gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler:
All
right
Joey,
be
nice.
So
does
he
have a hump? A hump and a
hairpiece?
Phoebe:
Wait,
does he eat chalk?
(They all stare,
bemused.)
Phoebe:
Just,
'cause,
I
don't
want
her
to
go
through
what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica:
Okay, everybody
relax. This is not even a
date. It's
just two people going out to dinner and-
just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress
and starts to search
the room.)
Chandler:
And I just want a
million dollars! (He extends his
hand
hopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?!
Rachel:
Oh God Monica hi!
Thank God! I just went to your
building
and you weren't there and then this guy with a big
hammer said you might be here and you
are, you are!
Waitress:
Can
I get you some coffee?
Monica:
(pointing
at
Rachel)
De-
caff.
(to
All)
Okay,
everybody, this is
Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to
Rachel)
This
is
everybody,
this
is
Chandler,
and
Phoebe,
and Joey, and- you
remember my brother Ross?
Rachel:
Hi, sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella
opens.
He sits back
hall.
And he's away a lot.
Monica:
Joey,
stop
hitting
on
her!
It's
her
wedding
day!
Joey:
What,
like there's a rule or something?
(The
door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler:
Please
don't
do
that
again,
it's
a
horrible
sound.
Paul:
(over the intercom)
It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica:
Oh God, is it 6:30?
Buzz him in!
Joey:
Who's Paul?
Ross:
Paul the Wine Guy,
Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.
Joey:
Wait.
Your
'not
a
real
date'
tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross:
He finally asked you
out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh, this is a
Dear Diary moment.
not having sex.
Chandler:
Sounds like a date
to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler:
Alright, so I'm
back in high school, I'm
standing in
the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize
I am totally naked.
All:
Oh, yeah. Had that
dream.
Chandler:
Then I look
down, and I realize there's
a phone...
there.
Joey:
Instead of...?
Chandler:
That's right.
Joey:
Never had that dream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
All of a sudden,
the phone starts to ring.
Now
I
don't
know
what
to
do,
everybody
starts
looking at me.
Monica:
And they weren't
looking at you before?!
Chandler:
Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it, and
it turns out
it's my mother, which is very-very weird,
because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross:
(mortified) Hi.
Joey:
This guy says hello, I
wanna kill myself.
Monica:
Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross:
I just feel like someone reached down my
throat, grabbed my small intestine,
pulled it out of
my mouth and tied it
around my neck...
Chandler:
Cookie?
Monica:
(explaining
to
the
others)
Carol
moved
her stuff out today.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(to Ross) Let me get
you some coffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh! Oh!
(She starts to pluck at the air
just in
front of Ross.)
Ross:
No, no
don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No,
just
leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe:
Fine!
Be
murky!
Ross:
I'll be fine,
alright? Really, everyone. I hope
she'll be very happy.
Monica:
No you don't.
Ross:
No I don't, to hell
with her, she left me!
Joey:
And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross:
No!!
Okay?!
Why
does
everyone
keep
fixating
on
that?
She
didn't
know,
how
should
I
know?
Chandler:
Sometimes
I
wish
I
was
a
lesbian...
(They all stare
at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross:
I told mom and dad
last night, they seemed
to take it
pretty well.
Monica:
Oh
really, so that hysterical phone call I
got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M.,
have grandchildren, I'll never have
grandchildren.
was what?
A
wrong number?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
Alright Ross, look.
You're feeling a lot of pain
right now.
You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell
you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey:
Strip joint! C'mon,
you're single! Have some
hormones!
Ross:
I don't want to be
single, okay? I just... I
down
defeated
again.
A
moment
of
silence
follows
as
Rachel sits and the
others expect her to explain.)
Monica:
So you wanna tell us
now, or are we waiting for
four wet
bridesmaids?
Rachel:
Oh
God... well, it started about a half hour before
the wedding. I was in the room where we
were keeping all
the
presents,
and
I
was
looking
at
this
gravy
boat.
This
really gorgeous Lamauge
gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
(to
the
waitress
that
brought
her
coffee)Sweet
'n'
Lo?-
I
realized
that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than
by Barry! And then I got really freaked
out, and that's when
it
hit
me:
how
much
Barry
looks
like
Mr.
Potato
Head.
Y'know,
I
mean,
I
always
knew
looked
familiar,
but...
Anyway,
I
just
had
to
get
out
of
there,
and
I
started
wondering 'Why am I
doing this, and who am I doing this
for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just
didn't know where to go,
and
I
know
that
you
and
I
have
kinda
drifted
apart,
but
you're the only person I
knew who lived here in the city.
Monica:
Who wasn't invited
to the wedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,
I
was
kinda
hoping
that
wouldn't
be
an
issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment,
everyone is there and
watching a
Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out
what is going on.]
Monica:
Now I'm guessing
that he bought her the big pipe
organ,
and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler:
(imitating
the
characters)
Tuna
or
egg
salad?
Decide!
Ross:
(in
a
deep
voice)
I'll
have
whatever
Christine
is
having.
Rachel:
(on phone) Daddy, I
just... I can't marry him! I'm
sorry. I
just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has
changed to show two women, one is
holding her hair.)
Phoebe:
If
I
let
go
of
my
hair,
my
head
will
fall
off.
Chandler:
(re TV) Ooh, she
should not be wearing those
pants.
Joey:
I
say
push
her
down
the
stairs.
Phoebe,
Ross,
Chandler,
and
Joey:
Push her
down the stairs!
Push her down the
stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She
is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel:
C'mon Daddy, listen
to me! It's like, it's like, all of
my
life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe!
You're
a
shoe,
you're
a
shoe,
you're
a
shoe!'.
And
today
I
just
stopped and I said,
'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What
if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a-
or a hat! No, I'm not
saying I want you
to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's
a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross:
You can see where he'd
have trouble.
Rachel:
Look
Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay
here with Monica.
Monica:
Well, I guess we've
established who's staying here
with
Monica...
Rachel:
Well,
maybe
that's
my
decision.
Well,
maybe
I
don't
need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a
paper bag.]
Monica:
Just
breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of
nice calm things...
Phoebe:
(sings) Raindrops on
roses and
rabbits and kittens, (Rachel
and Monica turn to look at her.)
bluebells and sleighbells and-
something with mittens... La
la la
la...something and noodles with string.
These are a
few...
Rachel:
I'm all better now.
Phoebe:
(grins
and
walks
to
the
kitchen
and
says
to
Chandler
and Joey.) I helped!
Monica:
Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know?
Independence. Taking control of your
life.
The whole, 'hat'
thing.
Joey:
(comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you
can always come to Joey. Me and
Chandler live across the
1 of 56 Pages
Monica:
Rach, wait, I can
cancel...
Rachel:
Please,
no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica:
(to Ross) Are, are
you okay? I mean, do you
want me to
stay?
Ross:
(choked voice)
That'd be good...
Monica:
(horrified) Really?
Ross:
(normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe:
What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink
it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler
doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the
door and it's Paul.)
Monica:
Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined
up next to the door.)... everybody,
everybody, this is
Paul.
All:
Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine
Guy! Hey!
Chandler:
I'm
sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul,
was it?
Monica:
Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I
just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross:
A wandering?
Monica:
Change!
Okay,
sit
down.
(Shows
Paul
in)
Two seconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh, I just pulled
out four
eyelashes. That
can't be good.
(Monica goes
to change.)
Joey:
Hey, Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here's a little
tip, she really likes it when you rub
her neck in the same spot over and over
and over again
until it starts to get a
little red.
Monica:
(yelling
from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Ross:
So Rachel, what're
you, uh... what're you up to
tonight?
Rachel:
Well, I was kinda
supposed to be headed for
Aruba on my
honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross:
Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon,
God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this
time of year... talk
about your-
(thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't
feel
like
being
alone
tonight,
Joey
and
Chandler
are
coming over to help me
put together my new furniture.
Chandler:
(deadpan)
Yes,
and
we're
very
excited
about it.
Rachel:
Well
actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna
hang out here tonight.
It's
been kinda a long day.
Ross:
Okay, sure.
Joey:
Hey
Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe:
Oh, I wish I could,
but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing
for change.]
Phoebe:
(singing) Love is sweet as summer showers,
love is a wondrous work of art, but
your love oh your
love, your love...is
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my
heart.
La-la-la-la-la-
(some
guy
gives
her
some
change
and
to
that
guy)
Thank
you.
(sings)
La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene:
Ross's
Apartment,
the
guys
are
there
assembling furniture.]
Ross:
(squatting
and
reading
the
instructions)
I'm
supposed to attach a brackety thing to
the side things,
using
a
bunch
of
these
little
worm
guys.
I
have
no
brackety thing, I see no whim guys
whatsoever and- I
cannot feel my legs.
(Joey
and
Chandler
are
finishing
assembling
the
bookcase.)
Season 1
Joey:
I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler:
It's a beautiful
thing.
Joey:
(picking up a
leftover part) What's this?
Chandler:
I
would
have
to
say
that
is
an
'L'-shaped
bracket.
Joey:
Which goes
where?
Chandler:
I have no
idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not
looking and dumps it
in a plant.)
Joey:
Done with the
bookcase!
Chandler:
All
finished!
Ross:
(clutching a
beer can and sniffing) This was
Carol's
favorite beer. She always drank it out of the
spoon!
Ross:
I
honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler:
Stay out of my
freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant,
Monica
and Paul are still eating.]
Paul:
Ever since she walked
out on me, I, uh...
Monica:
What?.....
What,
you
wanna
spell
it
out
with
noodles?
Paul:
No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
revelation.
Monica:
Oh, so
there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul:
Isn't there?
Monica:
Yeah...
yeah,
I
think
there
is.
-What
were
you
gonna
say?
Paul:
Well, ever-ev-...
ever since she left me, um, I haven't
Monica:
Shut up, and put my
table back.
All:
Okayyy!
(They do so.)
Chandler:
All
right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't
input
those
numbers,...
it
doesn't
make
much
of
a
difference...
Rachel:
So, like, you guys
all have jobs?
Monica:
Yeah,
we all have jobs. See, that's how we
buy stuff.
Joey:
Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel:
Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
Joey:
I doubt it. Mostly
regional work.
Monica:
Oh
wait, wait, unless you happened to catch
the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at
the little theater
can, I should have
known.
Joey:
Hey-hey-hey-
hey, if you're gonna start with
that
stuff we're outta here.
Chandler:
Yes, please don't
spoil all this fun.
Joey:
Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
furniture, the stereo, the good TV-
what
did you
get?
Ross:
You guys.
Chandler:
Oh, God.
Joey:
You got screwed.
Chandler:
Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul
are eating.]
Monica:
Oh my
God!
Paul:
I know, I know,
I'm such an idiot. I guess I
should
have caught on when she started going to
the dentist four and five times a week.
I mean, how
clean can teeth get?
Monica:
My
brother's
going
through
that
right
now, he's such a mess.
How did you get through it?
Paul:
Well,
you
might
try
accidentally
breaking
something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul:
(laughing) That's one
way! Me, I- I went for
the watch.
Monica:
You
actually
broke
her
watch?
Wow!
The worst thing I ever did was, I-I
shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath
towel.
Paul:
Ooh, steer
clear of you.
Monica:
That's
right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment,
Rachel is talking on the phone and
pacing.]
Rachel:
Barry, I'm
sorry... I am so sorry... I know
you
probably think that this is all about what I said
the
other
day
about
you
making
love
with
your
socks on, but it isn't... it isn't,
it's about me, and I
ju-
(She
stops
talking
and
dials
the
phone.)
Hi,
machine cut me off again...
anyway...look, look, I
know that some
girl is going to be incredibly lucky
to
become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's
not
me.
And not that I have
any idea who me is right
now, but you
just have to give me a chance too...
(The maching cuts her off again and she
redials.)
[Scene:
Ross's
Apartment;
Ross
is
pacing
while
Joey
and
Chandler
are
working
on
some
more
furniture.]
Ross:
I'm divorced!
I'm only 26 and I'm
divorced!
Joey:
Shut up!
Chandler:
You must stop!
(Chandler hits what he
is working on
with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross:
That only took me an
hour.
Chandler:
Look,
Ross,
you
gotta
understand,
between us we haven't had a
relationship that has
lasted longer
than a Mento.
You
, however have
had
the
love
of
a
woman
for
four
years.
Four
years of
closeness and sharing at the end of which
she ripped your heart out, and that is
why we don't
do it!
I don't
think that was my point!
Ross:
You know what the
scariest part is? What if
there's only
one woman for everybody, y'know? I
mean
what if you get one woman- and that's it?
Unfortunately
in
my
case,
there
was
only
one
woman- for her...
Joey:
What are you talking
about? 'One woman'?
That's
like
saying
there's
only
one
flavor
of
ice
cream for you. Lemme tell you
something, Ross.
There's
lots
of
flavors
out
there.
There's
Rocky
Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
Cherry Vanilla.
You
could
get
'em
with
Jimmies,
or
nuts,
or
whipped
cream!
This
is
the
best
thing
that
ever
happened to you! You
got married, you were, like,
what,
eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a
been
able
to,
uh,
perform.
(Monica
takes
a
sip
of
her
drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica:
(spitting out her
drink in shock) Oh God, oh God,
I am
sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul:
It's okay...
Monica:
I
know
being
spit
on
is
probably
not
what
you
need right now. Um... how long?
Paul:
Two years.
Monica:
Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm
glad you smashed her watch!
Paul:
So
you
still
think
you,
um...
might
want
that
fifth
date?
Monica:
(pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
Rachel
is
watching
Joanne
Loves Chaci
.]
Priest on TV:
We are
gathered here today to join Joanne
Louise
Cunningham
and
Charles,
Chachi-Chachi-Chachi,
Arcola
in the bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel:
Oh...see...
but
Joanne
loved
Chachi!
That's
the
difference!
[Scene:
Ross's
Apartment,
they're
all
sitting
around
and
talking.]
Ross:
(scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's
been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the
words 'Billy, don't
be a hero' mean
anything to you?
Joey:
Great story!
But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date
with
Andrea--Angela--Andrea...
Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Chandler:
Angela's the
screamer, Andrea has cats.
Joey:
Right.
Thanks.
It's June.
I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Ross:
Y'know,
here's
the
thing.
Even
if
I
could
get
it
together enough to- to ask a woman
out,... who am I gonna
ask? (He gazes
out of the window.)
[Cut to Rachel
staring out of her window.]
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
Monica's
Apartment,
Rachel
is
making
coffee
for
Joey and Chandler.]
Rachel:
Isn't
this
amazing?
I
mean,
I
have
never
made
coffee
before in my entire life.
Chandler:
That is amazing.
Joey:
Congratulations.
Rachel:
Y'know,
I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't
anything I can't do.
Chandler:
If can invade
Poland, there isn't anything I can't
do.
Joey:
Listen,
while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta
make
like
a
Western
omelet
or
something...
(Joey
and
Chandler taste the
coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant
pot.) Although actually I'm really not
that hungry...
Monica:
(entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy
are here.
All:
Morning. Good morning.
Paul:
(entering from Monica's room) Morning.
Joey:
Morning, Paul.
Rachel:
Hello, Paul.
Chandler:
Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and
talk in a low voice so
the
others
can't
hear.
The
others
move
Monica's
table
closer to the door so
that they can.)
Paul:
Thank
you!
Thank you so much!
Monica: Stop!
Paul:
No, I'm telling you
last night was like umm, all my
birthdays, both graduations, plus the
barn raising scene in
Witness
.
Monica:
We'll talk later.
Paul:
Yeah. (They kiss)
Thank you. (Exits)
Joey:
That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do
on
a real date?
2 of 56
Pages
in the park.
Joey:
Look, it was a job all
right?
Chandler:
'Look,
Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Joey:
I will not take this
abuse. (Walks to the door and
opens it
to leave.)
Chandler:
You're
right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and
dances out of the door.)
Once I was a wooden boy, a
little wooden
boy...
Joey:
You
should
both
know,
that
he's
a
dead
man.
Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
Monica:
So how
you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to
Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel:
I can see that. You
look like you slept with a
hanger in
your mouth.
Monica:
I know,
he's just so, so... Do you remember
you
and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel:
Oh, yeah.
Monica:
Well, it's
like that. With feelings.
Rachel:
Oh wow. Are you in
trouble.
Monica:
Big time!
Rachel:
Want a wedding
dress?
Hardly used.
Monica:
I think we are
getting a little ahead of selves
here.
Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work
and not think about him all day. Or
else I'm just gonna
get up and go to
work.
Rachel:
Oh, look, wish
me luck!
Monica:
What for?
Rachel:
I'm gonna go get one
of those (Thinks) job
things.
(Monica exits.)
[Scene:
Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
Frannie:
Hey,
Monica!
Monica:
Hey
Frannie,
welcome
back!
How
was
Florida?
Frannie:
You had sex, didn't
you?
Monica:
How
do you do that?
Frannie:
Oh,
I
hate
you,
I'm
pushing
my
Aunt
Roz
through
Parrot
Jungle
and
you're
having
sex!
So?
Who?
Monica:
You know Paul?
Frannie:
Paul
the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica:
You mean you know
Paul like I know Paul?
Frannie:
Are
you
kidding?
I
take
credit
for
Paul.
Y'know before me,
there was no snap in his turtle for
two
years.
[Scene: Central
Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
Joey:
(sitting on the arm of
the couch)Of course it was
a line!
Monica:
Why?!
Why?
Why,
why
would
anybody
do
something like that?
Ross:
I
assume
we're
looking
for
an
answer
more
sophisticated than 'to get you into
bed'.
Monica:
I
hate men!
I hate men!
Phoebe:
Oh no, don't hate,
you don't want to put that
out into the
universe.
Monica:
Is it me?
Is it like I have some sort of beacon
that
only
dogs
and
men
with
severe
emotional
problems can hear?
Phoebe:
All right, c'mere,
gimme your feet. (She starts
massaging
them.)
Monica:
I
just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey:
(bursts out laughing
again) I can't believe you
didn't know
it was a line!
(Monica
pushes him
off of the sofa as Rachel
enters
with a shopping bag.)
Rachel:
Guess
what?
Season 1
Ross:
You got a job?
Rachel:
Are you
kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I
was
laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler:
And
yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel:
You would be too if
you found John and
David boots on sale,
fifty percent off!
Chandler:
Oh, how well you
know me...
Rachel:
They're my new 'I
don't need a job, I don't
need my
parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica:
How'd you pay for
them?
Rachel:
Uh, credit card.
Monica:
And who pays for
that?
Rachel:
Um... my... father.
Ross:
No no no, go-
Rachel:
No, you
have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross:
Split it?
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
Okay. (They split it.)
You know you probably didn't
know this,
but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush
on you.
Rachel:
I knew.
Ross:
You did! Oh.... I
always figured you just thought I
was
Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel:
I did.
Ross:
Oh. Listen, do you
think- and try not to let my intense
vulnerability become any kind of a
factor here- but do you
[Scene:
Museum
of
Prehistoric
History,
Ross
and
a
co-worker
(Marsha)
are
setting
up
an
exhibit
which
includes some mannequins of cave
people.]
Ross:
No,
it's
good,
it
is
good,
it's
just
that-
mm-
doesn't she seem a
little angry?
Marsha:
Well, she has
issues.
Ross:
Does she.
Marsha:
He's out banging
other women over the head
with a club,
while she sits at home trying to get
the
mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Ross:
Marsha,
these
are
cave
people.
Okay?
They
have
issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda
close.'
See?
Marsha:
Speaking of issues,
isn't that your ex-wife?
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
everyone
is
sitting
around
the
kitchen
table.
Rachel's
credit
cards
are
spread
out
on
the
table
along
with
a
pair
of
scissors.]
Rachel:
Oh God, come on you
guys, is this really
necessary?
I mean, I can stop charging anytime I
want.
Monica:
C'mon,
you
can't
live
off
your
parents
your whole life.
Rachel:
I
know
that.
That's
why
I
was
getting
married.
Phoebe:
Give her a break,
it's hard being on your
own for the
first time.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Phoebe:
You're
welcome. I remember when I first
came
to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just
killed herself and my step-dad was back
in prison,
and I got here, and I didn't
know anybody. And I
ended up living
with this albino guy who was, like,
cleaning
windshields
outside
port
authority,
and
then
he
killed
himself,
and
then
I
found
aromatherapy. So believe me, I know
exactly how
you feel.
(Pause)
Ross:
The word you're
looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica:
All right, you
ready?
Rachel:
No.
No, no, I'm not ready!
How
can I be
ready?
Rach!
You
ready
to
jump
out
the
airplane
without
your
parachute?
Come
on,
I
can't do
this!
Monica:
You can, I
know you can!
Rachel:
I don't think so.
Ross:
Come on, you made
coffee!
You can do
anything!
(Chandler
slowly
tries
to
hide
the
now
dead plant from that morning when he
and Joey
poured their coffee into it.)
Ross:
C'mon, cut. Cut, cut,
cut,...
All:
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one
of them and they cheer.)
Rachel:
Y'know what?
I think we can just leave it
at that.
It's kinda like a
symbolic gesture...
Monica:
Rachel!
That was a library
card!
All:
Cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler:
(as
Rachel
is
cutting
up
her
cards)
Y'know,
if
you
listen
closely,
you
can
hear
a
thousand retailers scream.
(She finishes cutting them
up and they all cheer.)
Monica:
Welcome
to
the
real
world!
It
sucks.
You're gonna love it!
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are
watching a TV
channel finishes it's
broadcast day by playing the
national
anthem.]
Monica:
Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash
on the couch?
Ross:
No. No, I gotta go
home sometime.
Monica:
You be okay?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Hey Mon,
look what I just found on the
floor.
(Monica smiles.) What?
Monica:
That's Paul's watch.
You just put it back
where
you
found
it.
Oh
boy.
Alright.
Goodnight,
everybody.
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes
into her
room.)
Ross:
Mmm. (They both reach
for the last cookie)
Oh, no-
Rachel:
Sorry-
think
it
would
be
okay
if
I
asked
you
out?
Sometime?
Maybe?
Rachel:
Yeah, maybe...
Ross:
Okay...
okay, maybe I will...
Rachel:
Goodnight.
Ross:
Goodnight.
(Rachel
goes
into
her
room
and
Monica
enters
the
living
room
as Ross is leaving.)
Monica:
See ya.... Waitwait,
what's with you?
Ross:
I just grabbed a
spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has
no
idea what that means.)
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey:
I can't believe what
I'm hearing here.
Phoebe:
(sings) I can't
believe what I'm hearing here...
Monica:
What? I-I said you
had a-
Phoebe:
(sings) What I said you had...
Monica:
(to Phoebe) Would
you stop?
Phoebe:
Oh, was I doing it
again?
All:
Yes!
Monica:
I said that you had
a nice butt, it's just not a great
butt.
Joey:
Oh,
you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and
bit ya.
Ross:
There's an image.
Rachel:
(walks up with a pot
of coffee) Would anybody like
more
coffee?
Chandler:
Did you make it,
or are you just serving it?
Rachel:
I'm just serving it.
All:
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler:
Kids,
new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel
sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)
Customer:
(To Rachel) Ahh,
miss?
More coffee?
Rachel:
Ugh. (To
another customer that's leaving.) Excuse
me, could you give this to that guy
over there? (Hands him
the coffee pot.)
Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the
gang.) Sorry.
Okay, Las
Vegas.
Chandler:
Okay, so,
I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-
End
102 The One
With the Sonogram at the End
[Scene
Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica:
What you guys don't
understand is, for us, kissing
is as
important as any part of it.
Joey:
Yeah,
right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah!
Rachel:
Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica:
Absolutely.
Chandler:
Yeah, I think for
us, kissing is pretty much like
an
opening
act,
y'know?
I
mean
it's
like
the
stand-up
comedian you have
to sit through before Pink Floyd comes
out.
Ross:
Yeah,
and-and
it's
not
that
we
don't
like
the
comedian,
it's
that-that...
that's
not
why
we
bought
the
ticket.
Chandler:
The problem is,
though, after the concert's over,
no
matter how great the show was, you
girls are
always
looking for the comedian again, y'know?
I mean, we're in
the car, we're
fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay
awake.
Rachel:
Yeah,
well,
word
of
advice:
Bring
back
the
comedian. Otherwise next time you're
gonna find yourself
sitting at home,
listening to that album alone.
Joey:
(pause)....Are we
still talking about sex?
Opening
Credits
3 of 56 Pages
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered
behind them and is
standing outstide
the exhibit.)
Ross:
(trying to ignore her)
No. No.
Marsha:
Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Ross:
Okay, okay, yes, it
is. (waves) How about I'll, uh,
catch
up with you in the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into
the exhibit.)
Ross:Hi.
Carol: So.
Ross:
You look great. I,
uh... I hate that.
Carol:
Sorry. You look good
too.
Ross:
Ah,
well, in here, anyone who... stands erect...
So what's new? Still, uh...
Carol:
A lesbian?
Ross:
Well...
you never know. How's, um.. how's the
family?
Carol:
Marty's still totally
paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross:
Why- why are you here,
Carol?
Carol:
I'm pregnant.
Ross:
Pregnant?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler,
Joey, Phoebe,
and Monica are watching
Three's Company
.]
Chandler:
Oh,
I
think
this
is
the
episode
of
Three's
Company
where
there's
some
kind
of
misunderstanding.
Phoebe:
...Then
I've already seen this one! (Turns off
the TV.)
Monica:
(taking a drink from
Joey)
Are you through
with
that?
Joey:
Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Monica:
Whose
little ball of paper is this?!
Chandler:
Oh, uh, that would
be mine. See, I wrote a
note to myself,
and then I realised I didn't need it, so I
balled
it
up
and...
(sees
that
Monica
is
glaring
at
him) ...now I wish I was
dead.
(Monica starts to
fluff a pillow.)
Phoebe:
She's
already
fluffed
that
pillow...
Monica,
you know, you've
already fluffed that- (Monica glares at
her.) -but, it's fine!
Monica:
Look , I'm sorry,
guys, I just don't wanna give
them any
more ammunition than they already have.
Chandler:
Yes,
and we all know how cruel a parent
can
be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Phoebe:
Monica-
Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I
mean, you're like, you're like all
chaotic and twirly. And
not-not in a
good way.
Joey:
Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all
chaotic and twirly every time they
come.
Monica:
That's
because
as
far
as
my
parents
are
concerned,
Ross
can
do
no
wrong.
Y'see,
he's
the
Prince.
Apparently they had some big ceremony before
I was born.
Chandler:
(looking out the
window) Ew, ew, ew, ew
ew ew ew ew!
Monica:
What?
Chandler:
Ugly
Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
All:
Eeaagh!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel:
Has
anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe:
Yeah, it's
beautiful.
Rachel:
Oh God, oh God, oh
God oh God oh God oh
God.... (Starts to
look under the couch cushions.)
Phoebe:
No, look, don't
touch that!
Rachel:
Oh, like I wasn't
dreading tomorrow enough,
having to
give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me?
Season 1
I'm the girl in the
veil who stomped on your heart in
front
of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm
gonna
have
to
return
the
ring,
without
the
ring,
which makes it so much harder...
Monica:
Easy
Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh!
Yeah!
Joey:
Alright,
when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe:
Doy! Probably right
before she lost it!
Chandler:
You don't get a
lot of 'doy' these days...
Rachel:
I know I had it this
morning, and I know I
had it when I was
in the kitchen with...
Chandler:
...Dinah?
Rachel:
(looks
at
the
lasagne
and
realizes
something) Ohhhhh,
don't be mad...
Monica:
You didn't.
Rachel:
Oh, I am
sorry...
Monica:
I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the
lasagne through the bottom of the glass
pan.)
Rachel:
Oh, but look how straight those noodles
Monica:
Ross,
could
you
come
and
help
me
with
the
spaghetti, please?
Ross:
Yeah. (They go to the
kitchen.)
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh, we're having spaghetti!
That's.... easy.
Monica:
I know this is going
to sound unbelievably selfish,
but,
were
you
planning
on
bringing
up
the
whole
baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it
might take some of
the heat off me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is
now eating.]
Mrs.
Geller:
What that Rachel did to her
life.... We ran into
her parents at the
club, they were not playing very well.
Mr. Geller:
I'm not gonna
tell you what they spent on that
wedding... but forty thousand dollars
is a lot of money!
Mrs.
Geller:
Well, at least she had the
chance to leave a
man at the altar...
Monica:
What's
that supposed to mean?
Mrs.
Geller:
Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica:
No it's
not.
Mr.
Geller:
Don't
listen
to
your
mother.
You're
Rachel:
So,
got
any
advice?
Y'know,
as
someone
who's recently been-
dumped?
Ross:
Well,
you
may
wanna
steer
clear
of
the
word
'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be
this, this broken
shell of a man,
y'know, so you should try not to look too
terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or,
y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go
down there,
and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you
can go with Carol and Susan to the
OB/GYN...
Rachel:
Oh, you've got Carol
tomorrow.. When did it
get so
complicated?
Ross:
Got me.
Rachel:
Remember
when
we
were
in
high
school
together?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
I mean, didn't you
think you were just gonna
meet somone,
fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes
at her.) ..Ross?
Ross:
Yes, yes!
Rachel:
Oh! Man, I never
thought I'd be here.. (She
leans back
onto his hand.)
are!
Chandler:
Now,
Monica, you know that's not how
you
look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...
Monica:
(puts
down the lasagne) I just... can't do
it.
Chandler:
Boys? We're going
in.
(Chandler, Joey, and
Phoebe start to pick through
the
lasagne as there's a knock on the door which
Monica answers.)
Ross:
(standing outside the
door).....Hi.
Monica:
Wow. That is not a
happy hi.
Ross:
Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe:
(while everyone else
is stunned) Ooh! I
found it!
Monica:
W-w-
wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
Ross:
Yeah. Do that for
another two hours, you
might be where I
am right about now. (He enters.)
Chandler:
Kinda
puts
that
whole
pillow
thing
in
perspective, huh, Mon?
Rachel:
Well
now,
how-how
do
you
fit
into
this
whole thing?
Ross:
Well,
Carol says she and Susan want me to
be
involved,
but
if
I'm
not
comfortable
with
it,
I
don't have
to be involved.. basically it's entirely up
to me.
Phoebe:
She is so great! I
miss her.
Monica:
What does she mean
by 'involved'?
Chandler:
I mean presumably,
the biggest part of
your job is done.
Ross:
Anyway,
they want me to go down to this-
sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
Rachel:
So what
are you gonna do?
Ross:
I have no idea. No
matter what I do, though,
I'm still
gonna be a father.
(Joey
starts
to
eat
the
rest
of
the
lasagne
and
everyone turns and stares at him.)
Joey:
.....Well,
this is still ruined, right?
[Scene,
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are
pouring wine for their parents.]
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
Martha
Ludwin's
daughter
is
gonna
call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that
curry taste?
Monica:
Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
Ross:
I- I think they're
great! I, I really do.
Mr.
Geller:
(To
Ross)
Do
you
remember
the
Ludwins? The big one had a thing for
you, didn't
she?
Mrs. Geller:
They all had a
thing for him.
Ross:
Aw, Mom...
Monica:
I'm sorry, why is
this girl going to call me?
Mrs.
Geller:
Oh,
she
just
graduated,
and
she
wants to be something in
cooking, or food, or.... I
don't
know.
Anyway,
I
told
her
you
had
a
restaurant-
Monica:
No Mom,
I don't have a restaurant, I work
in a
restaurant.
Mrs.
Geller:
Well, they don't have to know
that...
(She starts to fluff the same
pillow Monica fluffed
multiple times
earlier.)
independent, and
you always have been! Even when you
were a kid... and you were chubby, and
you had no friends,
you were just fine!
And you would read alone in your room,
and your puzzles...
[Time Lapse.]
Mr.
Geller:
Look, there are people like
Ross who need to
shoot for the stars,
with his museum, and his papers getting
published.
Other
people
are
satisfied
with
staying
where
they are- I'm telling you, these are
the people who never
get cancer.
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller:
...And I read
about these women trying to have
it
all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica'
doesn't seem to
have that problem.
Monica:
(trying
desperately
to
change
the
subject)
So,
Ross,
what's
going
on
with
you?
Any
stories?
(Digs
her
elbow
into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
share
with the folks?
Ross:
(pulls his hand away)
Okay! Okay. (To his parents)
Look, I,
uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what
exactly
happened
between
Carol
and
me,
and,
so,
well,
here's the deal.
Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman
named Susan. She's pregnant with my
child, and she and
Susan are going to
raise the baby.
(Stunned
silence ensues.)
Mrs.
Geller:
(To Monica) And you knew about
this?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Park, everyone's
there.]
Joey:
Your folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross:
Well,
y'know,
these
people
are
pros.
They
know
what
they're doing, they take their time, they get the
job
done.
Monica:
Boy,
I
know
they
say
you
can't
change
your
parents,... boy, if you could- (To
Ross) -I'd want yours.
Ross:
Must pee. (Goes to
pee.)
Phoebe:
Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
Rachel:
You're
twins?
Phoebe:
Yeah.
We
don't
speak.
She's
like
this
high-powered, driven
career type.
Chandler:
What does she do?
Phoebe:
She's a
waitress.
Rachel:
All right, you guys,
I kinda gotta clean up now.
(They all
start to leave.)
Monica:
Chandler, you're
an only child,
right? You
don't
have any of this.
Chandler:
Well,
no,
although
I
did
have
an
imaginary
friend, who... my
parents actually preferred.
Rachel:
The lights, please..
(Joey turns off the lights, and they
all leave as Rachel starts
to clean up.
Ross enters from the bathroom.)
Ross:
...How
long was I in there?
Rachel:
I'm just cleaning
up.
Ross:
D'ya..
uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel:
Uh..
okay,
sure!
Thanks!
(She
hands
him
the
broom and sits down.)
Ross:
Anyway.. um.. (Starts
to sweep.) So, you- uh- you
nervous
about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel:
Oh.. a little..
Ross:
Mm-hmm..
Rachel:
A lot.
Ross:
Mm.
4 of 56 Pages
Ross:
Me
either...
(He
pulls
up
a
stool
so
that
he
doesn't have to move his
hand.)
[Scene: Carol's
OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
Ross:
(entering) Sorry I'm
late, I was stuck at work.
There was
this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
(Susan enters holding a drink.)
Susan: Hi.
Carol:
Ross, you remember
Susan.
Ross:
How
could I forget?
Susan:
Ross.
Ross:
(they
shake
hands)
Hello,
Susan.
(To
Carol)
Good
shake.
Good
shake.
So,
uh,
we're
just
waiting
for...?
Carol:
Dr. Oberman.
Ross:
..Dr.
Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan:
She.
Ross:
-she,
of
course,
she-
uh-
familiar
with
our..
special situation?
Carol:
Yes, and
she's very supportive.
Ross:
Okay,
that's
great.
(Susan
gives
her
drink
to
Carol.)
No, I'm- Oh.
Carol:
Thanks.
Ross:
(picks
up
a
surgical
instrament
and
mimes
a
duck with
it) Quack, quack..
Carol:
Ross?
That
opens
my
cervix.
(He
drops
it
in
horror.)
[Scene
Barry's
office,
Barry
is
working
on
patient,
Robbie, as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel:
Barry?
Barry:
C'mon in.
Rachel:
(hesitates) Are you
sure?
Barry:
Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here
for hours.
Robbie:
Huh?!
Barry:
So, how ya doin?
Rachel:
I'm- uh-
I'm okay... You look great!
Barry:
Yeah, well..
Bernice:
(over
intercom)
Dr.
Farber,
Jason
Greenstein's gagging.
Barry:
(answering
the
intercom)
Be
right
there.
(To
Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie
stares at Rachel.)
Rachel:
I dumped him.
Robbie:
Okay.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN,
they're talking about how this
is going
to work.]
Ross:
So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work?
Y'know,
with
us?
Y'know,
when,
like,
important
decisions have to be made?
Carol:
Give me a 'for
instance'.
Ross:
Well,
uh,
uh,
I
don't
know,
okay,
okay,
how
about with the, uh, with the baby's
name?
Carol:
Marlon-
Ross:
Marlon?!
Carol:
-if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross:
...As in Mouse?
Carol:
As in my
grandmother.
Ross:
Still, you- you say
Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um,
how about, um.. how about
Julia?
Carol:
Julia..
Susan:
We agreed on Minnie.
Ross:
'S'funny, um, uh, we
agreed we'd spend the
rest of our lives
together. Things change, roll with
the
punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office,
Rachel is doing her makeup
in the
mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.]
Barry:
Sorry
about that. So. What have you been
up
to?
Rachel:
Oh,
not much. I-I got a job.
Barry:
Oh, that's great.
Rachel:
Why are-
why are you so tanned?
Barry:
Oh, I, uh- I went to
Aruba.
Rachel:
Oh
no.
You
went
on
our
honeymoon
alone?
Barry:
No. I went with, uh..
Now, this may hurt.
Robbie:
Me?!
Barry:
No!
(To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
Rachel:
Mindy?! My maid of
honour, Mindy?!
Barry:
Yeah, well, uh, we're
kind of a thing now.
Rachel:
Oh!
Well,
um..
(Grabs
his
forehand)
You've got plugs!
Barry:
Careful! They haven't
quite taken yet.
Rachel:
And
you've
got
lenses!
But
you
hate
sticking your finger in
your eye!
Barry:
Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank
you.
Rachel:
Okay..
Barry:
See, about a month
ago, I wanted to hurt
you. More than
I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in
my
life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry:
You
know,
you
were
right?
I
mean,
I
thought
we
were
happy.
We
weren't
happy.
But
with Mindy, now I'm
happy. Spit.
Rachel:
What?
Robbie:
Me. (Spits.)
Rachel:
Anyway,
um,
(Gets
the
ring
out
of
her
purse.) I
guess this belongs to you. And thank you
for giving it to me.
Barry:
Well, thank you for
giving it back.
(Barry and
Rachel look at each other.)
Robbie:
Hello?!
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still
arguing about
what to name the baby.]
Susan:
Oh,
please! What's wrong with Helen?
Ross:
Helen Geller? I don't
think so.
Carol:
Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross:
Thank you!
Carol:
No, I mean it's not
Geller.
Ross:
What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
Carol:
No,
actually,
um,
we
talked
about
Helen
Willick-Bunch.
Ross:
Well, wait
a minute, wha- why is she in the
title?
Susan:
It's my
baby too.
Ross:
Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember
you making any sperm.
Susan:
Yeah, and we all know
what a challenge
that is!
Carol:
All right, you two,
stop it!
Ross:
No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there
too.
Carol:
Ross. You're not
actually suggesting Helen
Willick-
Bunch-Geller?
'Cause
I
think
that
borders
on child abuse.
Ross:
Of
course
not,
I'm...
suggesting
Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Susan:
Oh, no, nonononono,
you see what he's
doing?
He
knows
no-one's
gonna
say
all
those
names, so they'll wind
up calling her Geller, then he
gets his
way!
Ross:
My
way?!
You-you
think
this
is
my
way?
Believe
me,
of
all
the
ways
I
ever
imagined
this
moment
in
my
life
being,
this
is
not
my
way-
y'know
what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I
can't do-
Dr.
Oberman:
(entering) Knock knock!How are
we today?
Any nausea?
All:
Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr.
Oberman:
Well,
I
was
just
wondering
about
the
mother-to-be, but..
thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie
back..
Ross:
You- uh- y'know what,
I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't
think I
can be involved in this particular thing right
now.
(He turns to go, but
the sound of the sonogram catches hes
ear.
He returns and stares
at it.)
Ross:
Oh my God.
Susan:
Look at
that.
Carol:
I
know.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's
apartment,
everyone
is
watching
the
tape
of
the
sonogram.
Rachel
is
on
the
phone.]
Ross:
Well? Isn't that
amazing?
Joey:
What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler:
I
dunno, but.. I think it's
about to
attack the
Enterprise.
Phoebe:
You know, if you
tilt your head to the left, and
relax
your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
Ross:
Then don't
do that, alright?
Phoebe:
Okay!
Ross:
(walks
over
to
where
Monica
is
standing)Monica.
Whaddya
think?
Monica:
(welling up) Mm-hmm.
Ross:
Wh- are you welling
up?
Monica: No.
Ross:
You are, you're
welling up.
Monica:
Am not!
Ross:
You're gonna be an
aunt.
Monica:
(pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!
Rachel:
(on
phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm
fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah,
yeah he-he told me. No,
no, it's okay.
I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh,
oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything
works out, and you
guys
end
up
getting
married
and
having
kids-
and
everything- I just hope they have his
old hairline and your
old nose. (Slams
the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I
know it was a cheap shot, but I feel
so
much better now.
End
103 The One With the Thumb
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but
Phoebe is there.]
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi guys!
All:
Hey,
Pheebs! Hi!
Ross:
Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it
go?
Phoebe:
Um,
not so good. He walked me to the subway
and said 'We should do this again!'
All:
Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel:
What? He
said 'we should do it again', that's good,
right?
Monica:
Uh,
no.
Loosely
translated
'We
should
do
this
again' means 'You will never see me
naked'.
Rachel:
Since when?
Joey:
Since always. It's
like dating language. Y'know, like
'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
Chandler:
Or
'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be
dating
leather-wearing
alcoholics
and
complaining
about
them to you'.
Phoebe:
Or, or, y'know, um,
'I think we should see other
people'
means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Rachel:
And everybody knows
this?
Joey:
Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler:
Yeah,
it's
like
when
you're
a
kid,
and
your
parents
put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went
off
to live on some farm.
Ross:
That's
funny,
that,
no,
because,
uh,
our
parents
actually did, uh,
send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica:
Uh, Ross.
Ross:
What? Wh-
hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut?
The
Millners,
they
had
this
unbelievable
farm,
they
had
horses,
and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was-
it
w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Chandler
is
helping
Joey
rehearse for a part.]
5 of
56 Pages
Season 1
Chandler:
to
die?
Joey:
But you'll have to live with the
knowledge that you sent
an honest man
to die.
Chandler:
Hey, that was really good!
Joey:
Thanks! Let's keep
going.
Chandler:
Okay.
Whaddya
want
from
me,
Damone, huh?
Joey:
cell, I can
smoke.
Chandler:
(Joey takes out a pack of
cigarettes and a lighter.
He
fumbles
and
drops
the
lighter.
Then
he
lights
a
cigarett, takes a drag,
and coughs.)
Chandler:
I
think
this
is
probably
why
Damone
smokes in his cell
alone.
Joey:
What?
Chandler:
Relax your hand!
(Joey lets
his wrist go limp.)
Chandler:
Not so much!
Joey:
Whoah!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey:
Hey!
Chandler:
Alright, now try
taking a puff.
(Joey tries
and visibly winces.)
Chandler:
Alright.. okay.
No. Give it to me.
Joey:
No no no, I am not
giving you a cigarette.
Chandler:
It's fine, it's
fine. Look, do you wanna get
this part,
or not? Here.
(Joey
reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
Chandler:
Don't think of it
as a cigarette. Think of it as
the
thing that's been
missing from your
hand. When
you're holding
it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey:
Y'miss it?
Chandler:
Nah, not so much.
Alright, now we smoke.
(Takes
a
puff.)
Oh..
my..
God.
(He
continues
to
smoke.)
[Scene,
Central
Perk,
everyone
except
Phoebe
and
Rachel
is there.]
Monica:
No,
no,
no.
They
say
it's
the
same
as
the
distance from the tip of a guy's thumb
to the tip of his
index finger.
(The guys stretch out their
fingers.)
Joey:
That's ridiculous!
Ross:
Can I use.. either
thumb?
Rachel:
(carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell
me,
don't
tell
me!
(Starts
handing
them
out.)
Decaf
cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black..
Late.. And an iced
tea. I'm getting
pretty good at this!
All:
Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
Rachel:
(leaving
to serve others) Good for me!
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what
they ordered as
Phoebe enters.
She sits down without saying hi.)
Joey:
Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Yeah-
no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's
my bank.
Monica:
What did they do to
you?
Phoebe:
It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through
my
mail,
and
I
open
up
their
monthly,
you
know,
STATEMENT-
Ross:
Easy.
Phoebe:
- and there's five
hundred extra dollars in my
account.
Chandler:
Oh,
Satan's minions at work again...
Phoebe:
Yes, 'cause now I
have to go down there, and
deal with
them.
Joey:
What
are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe:
It's not mine, I
didn't earn it, if I kept it, it
would
be like stealing.
Rachel:
Yeah,
but
if
you
spent
it,
it
would
be
like
shopping!
Phoebe:
Okay. Okay, let's
say I bought a really great
pair of
shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every
step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-
mine.' And even
if I was happy, okay,
and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine,
not-
not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
Monica:
We're
with you. We got it.
(Chandler
leans
over
the
back
of
the
couch
out
of
Season 1
sight.)
Phoebe:
Okay. I'd- just- I'd
never be able to enjoy
it. It would be
like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel:
Chandler, what are
you doing?
Monica:
(puling him up) Hey.
Whaddya doing?
(Chandler
tries
to
shrug
nonchalantly
but
eventually he has to exhale a mouthful
of smoke.)
All:
Oh! Oh, God!
Ross:
What is
this?!
Chandler:
I'm
smoking.
I'm
smoking,
I'm
smoking.
Phoebe:
Oh, I can't believe
you! You've been so
good, for three
years!
Joey:
(shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in,
dripping wet.)
Monica:
(to
all)
Okay,
please
be
good,
please
.
Just
remember how much you all like me.
(She opens the door and
Alan enters.)
Monica:
Hi. Alan, this is
everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan:
Hi.
All:
Hi, Alan.
Alan:
I've heard schho much
about all you guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time
lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica:
(to
Alan)
Thanks.
I'll
call
you
tomorrow.
(Alan
exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let
the Alan-bashing begin.
Phoebe:
Yes.
But
I
left
in
the
Ys.
'Cause,
y'know,
(She searches in her purse.)
Lizzie:
Saltines?
Phoebe:
No, but would you
like a thousand dollars and
a football
phone?
Lizzie:
What?
(She
opens
the
envelope
Phoebe
has
given
her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
Phoebe:
I know.
Lizzie:
Weird
Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe:
No, I want you to
have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie:
No, no, I ha-I have
to give you something.
Phoebe:
Oh, that's fine, no.
Chandler:
And
this- is my reward!
Ross:
Hold on a second,
alright? Just think about
what you went
through the last time you quit.
Chandler:
Okay, so this time
I won't quit!
All:
Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler:
All
right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting
it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's
coffee.)
Phoebe:
Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
Monica:
Alright. I'm gonna
go change, I've got a
date.
Rachel:
This Alan again?
How's it goin'?
Monica:
'S'going
pretty
good,
y'know?
It's
nice,
and, we're having fun.
Joey:
So when do
we get to meet the guy?
Monica:
Let's see, today's
Monday... Never.
All:
Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica:
No. Not
after what happened with Steve.
Chandler:
What are you
talking about? We love
Schhteve!
Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Monica:
Look, I don't even
know how I feel about
him yet. Just
give me a chance to figure that out.
Rachel:
Well, then can we
meet him?
Monica:
Nope. Schhorry.
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and
Paula are at work.]
Monica:
I mean, why should I let them meet him?
I
mean,
I
bring
a
guy
home,
and
within
five
minutes they're all
over him. I mean, they're like-
coyotes, picking off the weak members
of the herd.
Paula:
Listen.
As someone who's seen more than
her
fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not
such a terrible thing. I mean, they're
your friends,
they're just looking out
after you.
Monica:
I know. I just wish
that once, I'd bring a
guy home that
they actually liked.
Paula:
Well,
you
do
realise
the
odds
of
that
happening are a little
slimmer if they never get to
meet the
guy..
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Chandler is smoking
out on
the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Joey:
Let it go, Ross.
Ross:
Yeah,
well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
Monica:
Do you all promise?
All:
Yeah! We
promise! We'll be good!
Monica:
(shouts to
Chandler) Chandler? Do you
promise to be good?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart'
sign.
It starts
to rain and
he taps on the window.)
Joey:
You can come in, but
your filter-tipped little
buddy has to
stay outside!
(Chandler
sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and
uses it as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch,
sits down, and
begins to read a letter
without saying hi.)
Ross:
Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe:
'Dear Ms. Buffay.
Thank you for calling
attention
to
our
error.
We
have
credited
your
account with five
hundred dollars. We're sorry for
the
inconvenience,
and
hope
you'll
accept
this-
(Searches in her purse)
-
football phone
as our free
gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have
a thousand
dollars, and a football
phone!
Rachel:
What bank is this?
(The
intercom buzzes.)
Monica:
Hey. It's him. (On
the intercom) Who is
it?
Alan:
(on the intercom) It's
Alan.
Who's gonna take the
first shot, hmm?
(Silence.)
Monica:
C'mon!
Ross:
...I'll
go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at-
no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't
do this. We loved him.
All:
Loved him! Yeah! He's
great!
Monica:
Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that
I'm
going out with?
All:
Yeah!
Rachel:
And did
you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and
index finger.)
The Guys:
(reluctantly)
Yeah.
Joey:
Know
what was great? The way his smile was kinda
crooked.
Phoebe:
Yes, yes! Like the
man in the shoe!
Ross:
...What shoe?
Phoebe:
From the
nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked
man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived
in a shoe, For a...
while...'
(Dubious pause.)
Ross:
...So I
think Alan will become the yardstick against
which all future boyfriends will be
measured.
Rachel:
What future
boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this
could be, y'know, it.
Monica:
Really!
Chandler:
Oh,
yeah.
I'd
marry
him
just
for
his
David
Hasselhof impression alone. You know
I'm gonna be doing
that at parties,
right? (Does the impression)
Ross:
You know what I like
most about him, though?
All:
What?
Ross:
The way he makes me
feel about myself.
All:
Yeah...
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Monica
is
alone
as
Ross,
Rachel,
Chandler, and Joey
enter dejectedly in softball gear.]
Monica:
Hi.. how was the
game?
Ross:
Well..
All:
WE
WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica:
Fantastic!
I
have
one
question:
How
is
that
possible?
Joey:
Alan.
Ross:
He was
unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs
Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all
the positions, right,
but instead of
Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan,
third base-...
Rachel:
I mean, it-it was
like, it was like he made us into a
team.
Chandler:
Yep, we sure
showed those Hassidic jewellers a
thing
or two about softball..
Monica:
Can I ask you guys a
question? D'you ever think
that Alan is
maybe.. sometimes..
Ross:
What?
Monica:
..I dunno, a little
too Alan?
Rachel:
Well, no. That's
impossible. You can never be too
Alan.
Ross:
Yeah, it's
his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we
adore.
Chandler:
I personally could
have a gallon of Alan.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a
homeless person
(Lizzie) she knows.]
Phoebe:
Hey,
Lizzie.
Lizzie:
Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe:
I brought you
alphabet soup.
Lizzie:
Did you pick out the
vowels?
6 of 56 Pages
Lizzie:
Would you like my
tin-foil hat?
Phoebe:
No.
'Cause
you
need
that.
No,
it's
okay,
thanks.
Lizzie:
Please, let me do
something.
Phoebe:
Okay, alright, you
buy me a soda, and then
we're even.
Okay?
Lizzie:
Okay.
Phoebe:
Okay.
[Scene:
Chandler's
office,
Chandler
looks
around,
opens
his
desk
drawer,
takes
a
puff
of
a
cigarette,
sprays
around
some
air
freshener,
and
takes
some
breath
spray.
He
types
for
a
little
while,
opens
the
drawer
again,
and
takes
another
drag
of
the
cigarette.
While not paying attention, he sprays
the
breath
spray
around
the
room,
takes
a
squirt
of
air
freshener
and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and
Lizzie are at a hot dog
vendor.]
Lizzie:
Keep the change. (To
Phoebe) Sure you don't
wanna pretzel?
Phoebe:
No, I'm
fine.
Lizzie:
(leaves) See ya.
(Phoebe
opens the can and reacts.)
Phoebe: Huh!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling
everyone about
her discovery.]
Ross:
A
thumb
?!
(Phoebe nods.)
All:
Eww!
Phoebe:
I know! I know, I
opened it up and there it
was, just
floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-
hiker!
Chandler:
Well,
maybe
it's
a
contest,
y'know?
Like,
collect all five?
Phoebe:
Does, um, anyone
wanna see?
All:
Nooo!
(Chandler lights a
cigarette.)
All:
Oh, hey,
don't do that! Cut it out!
Rachel:
It's worse than the
thumb!
Chandler:
Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica:
Oh, why is it
unfair?
Chandler:
So
I
have
a
flaw!
Big
deal!
Like
Joey's
constant
knuckle-cracking
isn't
annoying?
And
Ross,
with
his
over-pronouncing
every
single
word?
And
Monica,
with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what
the hell is that thing? ...I accept all
those flaws, why
can't you accept me
for this?
(An awkward
silence ensues.)
Joey:
...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
Rachel:
Well,
I-I could live without it.
Joey:
Well, is it, like, a
little annoying, or is it like when
Phoebe chews her hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
Ross:
Oh, now, don't listen
to him, Pheebs, I think it's
endearing.
Joey:
Oh,
(Imitating Ross)
(Monica
laughs and snorts.)
Ross:
You know, there's
nothing wrong with speaking
correctly.
Rachel:
to work.
Phoebe:
Yeah,
'cause otherwise someone might get
what they actually ordered.
Rachel:
Ohh-ho-
hooohhh.
The
hair
comes
out,
and
the gloves come on.
(They degenerate into bickering and
Chandler happily
Season 1
starts to smoke,
undisturbed.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica
and Paula are working.]
Monica:
Did
you
ever
go
out
with
a
guy
your
friends
all really like?
Paula: No.
Monica:
Okay..
Well, I'm going out with a guy my
friends all really like.
Paula:
Waitwait..
we
talking
about
the
coyotes
here?
All right, a cow got through!
Monica:
Can you believe it?
...Y'know what? I just
don't feel
the thing
. I mean, they feel
the thing, I
don't feel the thing.
Paula:
Honey..
you should always feel
the
thing
.
Listen, if that's how
you feel about the guy, Monica,
dump
him!
Phoebe:
Wait, wait, I'm getting a
deja
vu
...no, I'm not.
Monica:
Alright, we have to
talk.
Phoebe:
There it is!
Monica:
Okay. It's-it's
about Alan. There's something that
you
should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to
say
this.. uh.. I've decided to break
up with Alan.
(They all
gasp and clutch each other.)
Ross:
Is there somebody
else?
Monica:
No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People
change.
Rachel:
We didn't change..
Joey:
So that's
it? It's over? Just like that?
Phoebe:
You know.. you let
your guard down, you start to
really
care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing
omnipotent?
Joey:
Probably kill myself!
Monica:
..Excuse
me?
Joey:
Hey,
if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to
live!
Ross:
Joey, uh-
OM
nipotent.
Joey:
You
are
? Ross, I'm sorry..
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Ross
and
Monica
are
watching
Phoebe sleep.]
Monica:
How does she do
that?
Ross:
I
cannot sleep in a public place.
Monica:
Would you look at
her? She is so peaceful.
Monica:
I know.. it's gonna
be really hard.
Paula:
Well, he's a big boy,
he'll get over it.
Monica:
No, he'll be
fine. It's the
other
five I'm
worried about.
[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey
and Ross are persecuting
Chandler about
his smoking.]
Joey:
Do you
have any respect for your body?
Ross:
Don't you realise what
you're-you're doing
to yourself?
Chandler:
Hey,
y'know,
I
have
had
it
with
you
guys
and
your
cancer
and
your
emphysema
and
your heart disease. The bottom line is,
smoking is
cool, and you know it.
Rachel:
(holding
the
phone
out
to
Chandler)
Chandler? It's
Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler:
Really?
He
does?
(taking
the
phone)
Hey,
buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that,
huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and
then. Well,
yeah,
now.
Well,
it's
not
that
big- ..well,
that's
true,.. Gee, y'know,
no-one- no-one's
ever put
it
like that before. Well, okay, thanks!
(He hands the
phone back and stubs out
his cigarette.)
Rachel:
(to
Ross,
who
has
wandered
up)
God,
he's good.
Ross:
If only he were a
woman.
Rachel:
Yeah.
(They give each other
a dubious look.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
everyond
except
Monica and Joey is
watching Lambchop.]
Chandler:
Ooh, Lambchop. How
old is that sock?
If I had a sock on my
hand for thirty years it'd be
talking
too.
Ross:
Okay.
I think it's time to change somebody's
nicotine patch. (Does so.)
Monica:
(entering) Hey.
Where's Joey?
Chandler:
Joey ate my last
stick of gum, so I killed
him. Do you
think that was wrong?
Rachel:
I think he's across
the hall.
Monica:
Thanks. (Goes to
fetch him.)
Ross:
(finishing
changing
Chandler's
nicotine
patch) There y'go.
Chandler:
(deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure
now.
Ross:
Hey Pheebs, you gonna
have the rest of that
Pop-Tart?..
Pheebs?
Phoebe:
Does
anyone
want
the
rest
of
this
Pop-Tart?
Ross:
Hey, I might!
Phoebe:
Sorry.
..Y'know,
those
stupid
soda
people
gave
me
seven
thousand
dollars
for
the
thumb.
All:
You're kidding. Oh my
God.
Phoebe:
And
on my way over here, I stepped in
gum.
...What is up with the universe?!
Joey:
(dragged in by Monica,
he has just gotten
out of the shower)
What's going on?
Monica:
Nothing. I just
think it's nice when we're
all here
together.
Joey:
Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their
underwear..
Rachel:
Uh, Joey..
Joey:
Oh, God!
(Hurriedly closes his legs.)
Monica:
(turns off the TV)
Okay..
All:
Oh!
That was Lambchop!
Monica:
Please, guys, we
have to talk.
her hair)
Monica:
Look, I-
I could go on pretending-
Joey:
Okay!
Monica:
-but that wouldn't
be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair
to
Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
Ross:
Who-who wants fair?
Y'know, I just want things back.
Y'know, the way they were.
Monica:
I'm sorry..
Chandler:
(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel:
(tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with
the
holidays coming up- I wanted him to
meet my family-
Monica:
I'll meet somone
else. There'll be other Alans.
All:
Oh, yeah! Right!
Monica:
Are you
guys gonna be okay?
Ross:
Hey hey, we'll be
fine. We're just gonna need a little
time.
Monica:
(dubious) I
understand.
[Scene: A
Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]
Alan:
Wow.
Monica:
I'm, I'm really
sorry.
Alan:
Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a
little
relieved.
Monica:
Relieved?
Alan:
Yeah,
well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't
stand your friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone
is mopping around
and eating ice
cream.]
Rachel:
Remember
when
we
went
to
Central
Park
and
rented
boats?.. That was fun.
Ross:
Yeah. He could row
like a viking.
Monica:
(entering) Hi.
All:
Mmm.
Ross:
So how'd
it go?
Monica:
Oh, y'know..
Phoebe:
Did he mention us?
Monica:
He said
he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious
look)
Ross:
You had a rough day,
huh.. c'mere. (She sits down
and Ross
strokes her forehead.)
Chandler:
...That's it. I'm
getting cigarettes.
All:
No no no!
Chandler:
(leaving) I don't
care, I don't care! Game's over!
I'm
weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe:
(shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again
I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Chandler:
(returns) Yeah, alright.
End
104 The One With George Stephanopoulos
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there
except Joey.]
Monica:
Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Okay,
okay.
If
I
were
omnipotent
for
a
day,
I
would want, um, world
peace, no more hunger, good things
for
the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Ross:
Yeah,
see..
you
took
mine.
Chandler,
what
about
you?
Chandler:
Uh, if
I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make
myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel:
See, there's always
one guy. (Mocking)
wish, I'd wish for
three more wishes.
All:
Hey Joey. Hi. Hey,
buddy.
Monica:
Hey,
Joey,
what
would
you
do
if
you
were
7 of 56 Pages
Phoebe:
(waking and
startling them) Oh! What what
what!
...Hi.
Ross:
It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.
Monica:
What's
going on with you?
Phoebe:
I got no sleep last
night!
Ross:
Why?
Phoebe:
My
grandmother has this new boyfriend, and
they're both kind of insecure in bed.
Oh, and deaf. So
they're constantly,
like, having to reassure each other
that they're having a good time. You
have no idea how
loud they are!
Monica:
Well, if
you want, you can stay with Rachel
and
me tonight.
Phoebe:
Thanks.
(Chandler and Joey enter.
Joey is counting his steps.)
Joey:
...Ninety-
five,
ninety-six,
ninety-
seven.
See,
I
told you! Less than a hundred steps
from our place to
here.
Chandler:
You got waaaay too
much free time.
Joey:
(to
Ross)
Hey!
Here's
the
birthday
boy!
Ross,
check it out: hockey
tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight
at
the Garden, and we're taking you.
Chandler:
Happy birthday,
pal!
Joey:
We
love you, man. (Kisses Ross)
Ross:
Funny, my birthday was
seven months ago.
Joey:
So?
Ross:
So,
I'm
guessing
you
had
an
extra
ticket
and
couldn't decide which one of you got to
bring a date?
Chandler:
Well,
aren't
we
Mr.
glass
is
half
empty.
Ross:
Oh my God, oh- is
today the twentieth, October
twentieth?
Monica:
Oh, I
was hoping you wouldn't remember.
Ross:
Ohhh.
Joey:
What's wrong with the
twentieth?
Chandler:
Eleven days before
Halloween.. all the good
costumes are
gone?
Ross:
Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated
our physical relationship. (Joey is
puzzled.) Sex. ..You
know what, I-I'd
better pass on the game. I think I'm
just gonna go home and think about my
ex-wife and
her lesbian lover.
Joey:
The hell
with hockey, let's all do that!
Chandler:
(trying to stop
Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross!
You, me,
Joey, ice, guys'
night out,
c'mon, whaddya
say, big guy,
(Pretending to punch him in the stomach.)
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross:
What are you doing?
Chandler:
(stops) I have no idea.
Joey:
C'mon, Ross!
Ross:
Alright,
alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it.
Do you promise to buy me a big thumb
finger?
Chandler:
You got it.
(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)
Rachel:
Look-
look-look-look-look, my first pay check!
Look at the window, there's my name!
Hi, me!
Phoebe:
I remember the day I got my first pay check.
There
was
a
cave
in
in
one
of
the
mines,
and
eight
people were killed.
Monica:
Wow, you worked in a
mine?
Phoebe:
I
worked in a
Dairy Queen
,
why?
Rachel:
God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped
tables
for
it,
I
steamed
milk
for
it,
and
it
was
totally
—
(opens
envelope)
—
not worth it.
Who's FICA?
Why's
he
getting
all
my
money?
I
mean,
what-
Chandler, look at that.
Season 1
Chandler:
(looking) Oh, this
is not that bad.
Joey:
Oh, you're fine, yeah,
for a first job.
Ross:
You can totally,
totally live on this.
Monica:
Yeah, yeah.
Ross:
Oh, by the
way,
great
service tonight.
All:
Oh! Yeah!
(They all get their wallets
out and give generous
tips.)
Guys:
Hockey! (They go to
leave but are blocked
by
three
of
Rachel's
friends,
Leslie,
Kiki,
and
Joanne.
The guys pause to stare at them.)
Hockey!
put the little chocolate
blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie:
Well. Your mom
didn't tell us about the blobbies.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Phoebe
and
Monica
are
in
pajamas
and Monica is making something in the blender as
Rachel enters.]
Monica:
Hey, Rach. How was
it with your friends? (She and
Phoebe
scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death
Punch? (She pours the contents of the
blender into some
glasses.)
Rachel:
What's that?
Monica:
Weeeell,
it's rum, and-
game.]
Ross:
Get him! GET HIM! Get
him! Get- YESSS! Not
laughing now, are
ya pal!
Chandler:
(to Ross) See
buddy, that's all you need, a
bunch of
toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Ross:
Pass it!
Pass it!
Chandler:
He's open!
All:
Shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
(The player
shoots and the puck flies off the rink and
hits Ross in the face.
Chandler looks concered until he
notices...)
Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie:
(looking around)
Rachel?
Rachel:
Oh
my
God!
(Rachel,
Leslie,
Kiki,
and
Joanne
all scream and hug each other.
Monica:
(to Phoebe) I
swear I've seen
birds do
this on
Wild
Kingdom
.
Rachel:
What are you guys
doing here?
Kiki:
Well, we were in the
city shopping, and your
mom said you
work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne:
Look at you in the
apron. You look like
you're in a play.
Rachel:
(to a
pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you
are
so big I can't believe it!
Leslie:
I know. I know! I'm
a duplex.
Rachel:
(to Joanne) So
what's going on with you?
Joanne:
Well, guess who my
dad's making partner
in
his
firm?
(She
points
to
herself
and
they
all
scream
again.)
Kiki:
And while we're on the subject of news.. (She
holds up here finger to show off her
engagement
ring and they all scream
again.)
Phoebe:
(to Monica) Look, look,
I have
elbows!
(They scream.)
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are
kicking a
can to each other.]
Chandler:
...Poulet passes
it up to Leetch! (Passes
it to Joey.)
Joey:
Leetch
spots Messier in the crease- there's
the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but
Ross is staring
into a shop window.)
Chandler:
We'll
take a brief time out while Messier
stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross:
Carol was
wearing boots just like those the
night
that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she
never
took'em
off,
'cause
we-
we-
(off
Chandler's
look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on.
Chandler and
Joey start to talk but
Ross stops and
whines.)
Joey:
What?
Ross:
Peach pit.
Chandler:
Yes, Bunny?
Ross:
(points)
Peach pit. That night
we, uh- we
had-
Joey:
-Peaches?
Ross:
Actually, nectarines,
but basically...
Chandler:
(to Joey) Could've
been a peach.
Ross:
Then, uh, then we got
dressed, and I-I... I
walked her to
the- (looks up, realises, and points)
-the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey:
Hey, that woman's got
an ass like Carol's!
(They
turn
to
stare
at
him.)
What?
Thought
we
were
trying to find stuff.
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Rachel,
Lesile,
Kiki,
and
Joanne are talking.]
Rachel:
So c'mon, you guys,
tell me all the dirt!
Kiki:
Well, the biggest news
is still you dumping
Barry at the
altar!
Joanne:
Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel:
Okay.
Joanne:
When are
you coming home?
Rachel:
What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne:
C'mon,
this is us.
Rachel:
I'm not! This is
what I'm doing now. I've
got this job-
Kiki:
Waitressing?
Rachel:
Okay,
I'm
not
just
waitressing.
I'm..
I,
um... I write the
specials on the specials board, and,
uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead
flowers out of
the vase... Oh, and, um,
sometimes Artelle lets me
Rachel:
Okay. (Grabs the
blender and starts to drink.)
Chandler:
Hey, look, we're
on that TV thing!
Monica:
We
thought
since
Phoebe
was
staying
over
tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber
party thing. We got
(Chandler and Joey
hold the puck and wave at the TV
some
trashy
magazines,
we
got
cookie
dough,
we
got
thing.)
Twister
... (The phone rings
and Monica answers it.)
Commercial Break
Phoebe:
Ooh! Ooh! And I
brought
Operation
! But, um,
I
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler
and Joey are
lost the tweezers, so we
can't operate. But we can prep the
leading Ross in.]
guy!
Chandler:
(to
the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Monica:
Uh, Rach, it's the
Visa
card people.
Receptionist:
(holds
up
her
hand
—
she
is
on
the
Rachel:
Oh, God, ask them
what they want.
phone)
It
says
to
call
this
number
if
you're
not
Monica:
(on phone) Could you
please tell me what this is in
completely satisfied with this candy
bar. Well, I'm not
reference to?
(Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they
completely satisfied.
say there's been some unusual activity
on your account.
Chandler:
Listen,
it's
kind
of
an
emergency.
Well,
I
Rachel:
But I haven't used
my card in weeks!
guess you
know that,
or we'd be
in the
predicament
room. (The receptionist
glares at him.)
Monica:
That
is
the
unusual
activity.
Look,
they
just
wanna
see if you're okay.
Receptionist:
(on phone)
Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill
these out,
sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)
Rachel:
They
wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna
know if I'm okay, okay, let's see.
Well, let's see, the FICA
Ross:
(jumping to his feet)
Look, I don't wanna make
guys took all
my money, everyone I know is either getting
any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of
pain here, alright?
married, or getting
promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm
My face is
dented
.
getting coffee! And it's not even for
me! So if that sounds
Receptionist:
Well, you'll
have to wait your turn.
like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell
them I'm okay, okay?
Joey:
Well, how long do you
think it'll be?
Monica:
(pauses then on the
phone) Uh- Rachel has left
the
building, can you call back?
Receptionist:
(sarcastic)
Any minute now.
Rachel:
Alright, c'mon!
(Miserably) Let's play
Twister
!
Ross:
Hey, this- (she gives
him a look and the guys
back off)
Heyy...
[Scene:
Madison Square Garden
, the
guys are trying to find
their seats.]
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
the
slumber
party
continues.]
Ross:
(squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
Rachel:
I'm so
sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring
Chandler:
What? There was
ice there that night with Carol?
you
down.
Plastic seats? Four
thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
Monica:
No,
you
were
right.
I
don't
have
a
plan.
Ross:
No, actually I was
just saying it looks like we're not
(There's a knock on the door.)
sitting
together.
But
now
you
mention
it,
there
was
ice
there that night... It
was the first frost...
Pizza Guy:
(yelling from
outside) Pizza guy!
Joey:
C'mon, sit. Just sit
down, sit.
Rachel:
Thank God. Food.
(She goes
to
answer
the
door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're
all hanging out in the
living room.]
Monica:
Phoebe?
Monica:
You should feel
great about yourself! You're doing
Phoebe:
What?
this amazing independence thing!
Monica:
Do you
have a plan?
Rachel:
Monica,
what
is
so
amazing?
I
gave
up,
like,
Phoebe:
I don't even have a
'pl'.
everything. And for
what?
Pizza Guy:
Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and
Phoebe:
You are just like
Jack.
onion?
Rachel:
...Jack from
downstairs?
Rachel:
(miserably)
No,
no,
that's
not
what
we
Phoebe:
No, Jack and the
Beanstalk.
ordered...
We
ordered
a
fat-free
crust
with
extra
cheese.
Monica:
Ah, the other Jack.
Pizza Guy:
Wait,
you're not 'nopoulos?' Man,
Phoebe:
Yeah, right! See, he
gave up something, but then
my dad's
gonna kill me!
he got those
magic beans. And then he woke up, and there
was
this,
this
big
plant
outside
his
window,
full
of
Monica:
(leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait!
possibilities and stuff.. And he lived
in a village, and you live
Did you say
'nopoulos?'
in
the
Village..
Pizza
Guy:
Yeah.
This one goes across the street, I
Rachel:
Okay, but Pheebs,
Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I
must have
given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
gave up an orthodontist.
Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't
Monica:
Wait, was this a-a
small mediterranean guy
love him-
with curiously intelligent
good looks?
Phoebe:
Oh, see, Jack did
love the cow.
Pizza
Guy:
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Rachel:
But see,
it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was
Monica:
Was he wearing a
stunning blue suit?
figured
out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe:
And-and
a power tie?
Phoebe:
Floopy?
Pizza Guy:
No, pretty much
just a towel.
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
(staggered) Oh God.
Monica:
So what,
you're not the only one. I mean, half the
Pizza Guy:
So you guys want
me to take this back?
time
we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta
figure at some point it's all gonna
come together, and it's
Monica:
Are
you
nuts?!
We've
got
George
just
gonna be... un-floopy.
Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays
him, Monica grabs
some binoculars, and
runs to the window.)
Phoebe:
Oh, like that's a
word.
Rachel:
Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Rachel:
Okay,
but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come
together?
Phoebe:
Big Bird's friend.
Monica:
...Pheebs?
Monica:
I see pizza!
Phoebe:
Oh,
well...
'cause.... you just... I don't
like this
Phoebe:
Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!
question.
(She
runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel:
Okay,
see,
see,
you
guys,
what
if
we
don't
get
Rachel:
Hello? Who are we
spying on?
magic beans? I
mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
Monica:
White
House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?
[Scene:
Madison Square
Garden
, the guys are watching the
The
one
with
the
great
hair,
sexy
smile,
really
cute
butt?
8 of 56 Pages
Season 1
Rachel:
Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe:
Ooh,
wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica:
Please tell me it's
his mother.
Phoebe:
Definitely not his
mother.
Monica:
Oh, no...
Phoebe:
Oh, wait, she's
walking across the floor..
she's
walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the
pizza-
(Yelling)
Hey,
that's
not
for
you,
bitch!
(Phoebe
covers
her
mouth
with
her
hand
walks
away from the window.)
[Scene:
The
Emergency
Room,
Joey
is
miming
hockey pucks kitting foreheads.
Chandler realises
it's
getting
tense
and
goes
to
the
receptionist
again.]
Chandler:
Excuse me, look,
we've been here for
over an hour, and a
lot of people less sick than my
Monica:
Oh, that's nice!
Rachel:
Okay,
okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the
cushion she was leaning against falls
off of the balcony.)
Anyway- The
valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker
was really from me.
Monica:
Excuse me?!
Rachel:
Hello?
Like he was really gonna send you one? (To
Phoebe) She was a
big
girl
.
Monica:
Really. Well, at
least 'big girls' don't pee in their
pants in seventh grade!
Rachel:
I was laughing! You
made me laugh! (Monica and
Rachel start
to squabble)
Phoebe:
There he is! There
he is!
Monica:
Where?
Phoebe:
Right- where we've been looking all night!
Detergent
[Scene: Central Perk, all six are
there.]
Monica:
Would you
let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Ross:
Not that big a deal?
It's amazing. Ok, you just
reach in
there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a
bra
right
out
the
sleeve.
All
right,
as
far
as
I'm
concerned,
there
is
nothing
a
guy
can
do
that
even
comes close. Am I right?
Rachel:
Come on! You guys
can pee standing up.
Chandler:
We can? All right,
I'm tryin' that.
Joey:
Ok,
you know what blows my mind? Women can
see breasts any time they want. You
just look down and
there they are. How
you get any work done is beyond
me.
Phoebe:
Oh, ok, you know
what I don't get? The way
guys can do
so many mean things, and then not even
friend have gone in. I mean, that guy
with the toe
thing?
Who's
he
sleeping
with?
(She
slides
the
gladd panel over and Chandler talks
through it in a
loud
voice.)
Oh,
c'mon
Dora,
don't
be
mad...
I
know we both said some
things we didn't mean,
but that doesn't
mean we still don't love each other.
(To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel
like I've lost
her.. (She slides the
panel back, he turns, and it
takes him
by surprise.) Ba-!
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on
the balcony.]
Monica:
Light still out?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Monica:
Oh.
Maybe they're- napping.
Rachel:
Oh please, they're
having sex.
Monica and
Phoebe: Shut up!
Rachel:
So, whaddya think
George is like?
Monica:
I think he's shy.
Phoebe:
Yeah?
Monica:
Yeah. I
think you have to draw him out.
And
then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.
[Scene: The Emergency Room,
Ross is still going
on about his first
night with Carol.]
Ross:
I
remember the moonlight coming through
the window- and her face had the most
incredible
glow.
Chandler:
Yes, the moon, the
glow, the magical
feeling,
you
did
this
part-
Could
I
get
some
painkillers over here, please?
Joey:
He's
right, enough, already. What is the big
deal about today? So you slept with her
for the first
time, so what? You slept
with her for seven years
after that.
Ross:
Look, it's
just a little more complicated...
Chandler:
Well, what? What?
What is it? That she
left you? That she
likes women? That she left you
for
another woman that likes women?
Ross:
Little louder, okay, I
think there's a man on
the twelfth
floor in a coma that didn't quite hear
you...
Chandler:
Then what?
Ross:
My first
time with Carol was... (He mumbles
the
last part)
Joey:
What?
Ross: It was my first
time.
Joey:
With
Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler:
So in your whole
life, you've only been
with
one
—
(He gets a look
too)
—
oh.
Joey:
Whoah,
boy,
hockey
was
a
big
mistake!
There was a whole bunch of stuff we
could've done
tonight!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls
are still out
on the balcony.]
Monica:
Okay. Okay, I got
one. Do you remember
that vegetarian
pate that I made that you loved so
much?
Phoebe:
Uh-huh.
Monica:
Well,
unless
goose
is
a
vegetable...ha
haaaah!
Phoebe:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay,
fine, fine. Now I don't
feel so bad
about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
Monica:
What?! You slept
with Jason?
Phoebe:
You'd already broken
up.
Rachel:
How
long?
Phoebe:
A
couple hours.
Rachel:
He is so cute!
Monica:
Oh,
George, baby, drop the towel!
All:
Yeah,
drop
it!
Drop
the
towel!
Please
drop
the
—
< br>(pause)
—
wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room,
Ross is absent.]
Joey:
Man.
Can
you
believe
he's
only
had
sex
with
one
woman?
Chandler:
I
think
it's
great.
Y'know,
it's
sweet,
it's
romantic...
Joey:
Really?
Chandler:
No,
you
kidding?
The
guy's
a
freak..
(Ross
enters off camera)
Both:
Hey,
buddy.
Ross:
Hi.
(He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his
nose.
He tosses some forms
onto reception desk.)
Receptionist:
(sarcastic)
Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler:
Oh, I thought you
were great in Silence of the
Lambs. Oh
come on, admit it! All things considered, you had
fun tonight.
Ross:
Fun? Where was the
fun? Tell me specifically, which
part
was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Joey:
Oh, ah- the kid has
it.
Ross:
The
kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's
my puck.
Kid:
I
found
it.
Finders
keepers,
losers
weepers.
(Ross
looks at Chandler for help.)
Chandler:
You
gotta do it, man.
Ross:
(to the kid) Oh yeah?
Well, I'm rubber, you're glue,
whatever
—
(to
Chandler)
—
can't
do
it.
(to
the
kid)
Listen,
uh- gimme back my puck.
Kid:
No.
Ross:
'Yes', how about.
C'mere. Gimme!
Kid:
No! No! (They start to
fight over it.)
Receptionist:
Hey! Hey! No
rough holding in my ER!
Ross:
(tries to snatch it
from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!!
(but it
files out of his grasp and knocks out the
receptionist)
Ross:
...Now
that
was fun.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are
playing
twister.]
Ross:
(Doing the spinning)
Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Monica:
Could've played
Monopoly
, but nooooo.
(There's a knock on the
door, Chandler opens it, and silently
hands back the cushion.)
Chandler:
Thanks. (The guy
nods and leaves)
Ross:
Okay, Pheebs: Right
hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend
over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt
appreciatively)
(The phone
rings and Chandler answers it.)
Chandler:
Hello? Oh, uh,
Rachel, it's the
Visa
card
people.
Rachel:
Oh, okay.
Will you take my place?
Chandler:
Alright. (on
phone) Yes, this is Rachel.
Rachel:
Nooo! (She grabs the
phone and Chandler takes
her place on
the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah,
no, I know, I-I haven't been using it
much. (Listens) Oh,
well, thanks, but,
I'm okay, really.
Ross:
Green. To the green.
Rachel:
(on
phone)
I've
got
magic
beans.
(Listens)
Never-never mind.
Chandler:
To the
left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)
Rachel:
(on phone) Ohhh...
I'm fine.
End
105
The
One
With
the
East
German
Laundry
9 of 56 Pages
care.
(Long pause.)
Ross:
Multiple orgasms!
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, all are there.]
Chandler:
So, Saturday
night, the big night, date night,
Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!
Joey:
No plans, huh?
Chandler:
Not a one.
Ross:
Not even, say,
breaking up with Janice?
Chandler:
Oh, right, right,
shut up.
Monica:
Chandler,
nobody
likes
breaking
up
with
someone. You just gotta
do it.
Chandler:
No, I know,
but it's just so hard, you know?
I
mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no
idea
what's
happening,
and
then
you
finally
get
up
the
courage
to
do
it,
and
there's
the
horrible
awkward
moment when you've handed her the note.
Joey:
Why do you have to
break up with her? Be a man,
just stop
calling.
Phoebe:
You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
Chandler:
Oh, thanks, but I
think she'd feel like we're
gangin' up
on her.
Phoebe:
No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll
break up with Tony.
Ross:
Tony?
Monica:
Oh, you're breaking
up with Tony?
Phoebe:
Yeah,
I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun
anymore,
you
know?
I
don't
know
if
it's
me,
or
his
hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Rachel:
(waitressing)
Does
anybody
want
anything
else?
Ross:
Oh, yeah, last week
you had a wonderful, nutty,
chocolatey
kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him
a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm
fine.
Phoebe:
(to
Rachel)
What's
the
matter?
Why
so
scrunchy?
Rachel:
It's
my
father.
He
wants
to
give
me
a
Mercedes
convertible.
Ross:
That guy,
he burns me up.
Rachel:
Yeah,
well,
it's
a
Mercedes
if
I
move
back
home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me
young lady
.
Chandler:
Ooh, I hate when
my father calls me that.
Monica:
Did
he
give
you
that
whole
Rachel:
Oh, yeah,
yeah. Actually, I got the extended
disco version, with three choruses of
it on your
own
Phoebe:
(rhythmically)
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
(Angela, a beautiful
woman in a tight dress, enters.)
Angela:
Hi, Joey.
Joey:
My god, Angela.
(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
Monica:
Wow, being dumped by
you obviously agrees
with her.
Phoebe:
Are you gonna go
over there?
Joey:
No,
yeah,
no,
ok,
but
not
yet.
I
don't
wanna
seem too eager. One
Mississippi, two Mississippi, three
Mississippi. That seems pretty cool.
(he walks over to
her) Hey, Angela.
Angela:
(casually) Joey.
Joey:
You
look good.
Angela:
That's
because
I'm
wearing
a
dress
that
accents my boobs.
Season 1
Joey:
You don't say.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next
to one of the
tables.)
Ross:
So, uh, Rachel, what
are you, uh, what're
you doing tonight?
Rachel:
Oh, big glamour
night. Me and Monica at
Laundorama.
Ross:
Oh,
you
uh,
you
wanna
hear
a
freaky
coincidence? Guess
who's doing laundry there too?
Rachel:
Who?
Ross:
Me. Was that not
clear? Hey, why don't, um,
why don't I
just join you both, here?
Rachel:
Don't
you
have
a
laundry
room
in
your
building?
Ross:
Yes, I do have a
laundry room in my building,
dirty?
Ross:
(sheepish) No.
Chandler:
Oh, and uh, the
fabric softener?
Ross:
Ok,
ok, now what is wrong with my
Snuggles
? What,
it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda
guy, you know, like a
warm, fuzzy bear.
Ok, I can pick something else up on the
way.
Chandler:
There you go.
[Scene:
A
fancy
restaurant,
Joey
and
Monica
are
there,
meeting
Angela
and
Bob,
who
Monica
thinks
is
Angela's
brother.]
Monica:
Thank you. So what
does this Bob guy look like? Is
he
tall? Short?
Joey:
Yep.
Monica:
Which?
Rachel: What?
Woman:
No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross:
What's goin' on?
Rachel:
Hi, uh, nothing.
That horrible woman just took
my
machine.
Ross:
Was your
basket on top?
Rachel:
Yeah,
but, there were no suds.
Ross: So?
Rachel:
Well, you know, no
suds, no save.
Ross:
No
suds?
Excuse
me,
hold
on
a
second.
(to
woman) That's my friend's machine.
Woman:
Hey, hey, hey, her
stuff wasn't in it.
Ross:
Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know
um,
but
there's
a....
rat
problem.
Apparently
they're attracted to the dryer sheets,
and they're
goin'
in
fine,
but
they're
comin'
out
all....
fluffy.
Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel: Sure.
(Cut back to
Joey and Angela at the counter.)
Angela:
Forget it Joey. I'm
with Bob now.
Joey:
Bob? Who
the hell's Bob?
Angela:
Bob
is
great.
He's
smart,
he's
sophisticated, and he has a real job.
You, you go on
three auditions a month
and you call yourself an
actor, but
Bob...
Joey:
Come on, we
were great together. And not
just at
the fun stuff, but like, talking too.
Angela:
Yeah, well, sorry,
Joe. You said let's just
be friends, so
guess what?
Joey:
What?
Angela:
We're just friends.
Joey:
Fine, fine, so, why
don't the four of us go out
and have
dinner together tonight? You know, as
friends?
Angela:
What four of us?
Joey:
You
know,
you
and
Bob,
and
me
and
my
girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's
apartment,
Joey
is
there,
trying
to
convince
Monica
to
pose
as
his
girlfriend.
His
plan
is
to
hook
Monica
up
with
Angela's boyfriend Bob
and then take Angela back
for himself.]
Joey:
Monica, I'm tellin'
you, this guy is perfect for
you.
Monica:
Forget it. Not after
your cousin who could
belch the
alphabet.
Joey:
Come on.
This guy's great. His name's Bob.
He's
Angela's...
brother.
He's
smart,
he's
sophisticated, and he has a real job.
Me, I go on
three auditions a month and
call myself an actor,
but Bob is...
Monica:
(looking out window)
Oh, god help us.
Joey:
What?
Monica:
Ugly
Naked
Guy's
laying
kitchen
tile.
Eww!
Joey:
Eww! Look, I'm asking
a favor here. If I do
this for her
brother, maybe Angela will come back
to
me.
Monica:
What's going on
here? You go out with
tons of girls.
Joey:
(proud) I know, but, I
made a huge mistake.
I never should
have broken up with her. Will you
help
me? Please?
[Scene: Ross' apartment,
Chandler is over.]
Ross:
(on
phone)
Ok,
bye.
(hangs
up)
Well,
Monica's
not
coming,
it's
just
gonna
be
me
and
Rachel.
Chandler:
Oh. Well, hold on
camper, are you sure
you've thought
this thing through?
Ross:
It's
laundry.
The
thinking
through
is
minimal.
Chandler:
It's just you and
Rachel, just the two of
you? This is a
date. You're going on a date.
Ross:
Nuh-uh.
Chandler:
Yuh-huh.
Ross:
So what're you saying
here? I should shave
again, pick up
some wine, what?
Chandler:
Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty
underwear.
This
is
basically
the
first
time
she's
gonna
see
your
underwear
—
you
want
it
to
be
Joey:
Which
what?
Monica:
You've never
met Bob, have you?
Joey:
No,
but he's...
Monica:
Oh my
god, Joey, for all we know this guy could
be horribly...
(Angela and
Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Angela:
Hey, Joey.
Monica:
...horribly
attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and
Phoebe are there, both
ready to break
up with their significant others.]
Chandler:
Where are they?
Where are they?
Phoebe:
This
is nice. We never do anything just the two of
us.
Chandler:
It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car
and run over some puppies.
Phoebe:
Eww, I don't wanna
do that.
(Janice and Phoebe's
boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
Chandler:
Here we go.
Phoebe:
Ok, have a good
break-up.
Chandler:
Hey,
Janice.
Janice:
Oh, my god,
I am so glad you called me. I had the
most supremely awful day.
Chandler:
Hey, that's not
good. Can I get an espresso and
a latte
over here, please?
Janice:
We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you
know,
the
one
with
the
little
vegetables.
Anyway,
they
pretty much sucked, so,
I blew off the rest of the day, and
I
went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I
got you,
I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm
looking, I got you...
(Chandler sees
Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to
him
for
a
few
seconds,
hugs
him,
and
then
he
leaves.
Chandler is amazed how easy it was for
her.)
Chandler: What?
Janice: What?
Chandler:
(covering) What...
did you get me there?
Janice:
I got you...these.
(pulls out a pair of socks)
Chandler:
Bullwinkle socks.
That's so sweet.
Janice:
Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured,
you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and
Bullwinkle, or you
can
wear
Rocky
and
Rocky,or,
you
can
mix
and
match,
moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
Chandler:
That's great.
(The drinks arrive, and
Chandler downs his espresso in one
gulp.)
Chandler:
Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get
you another latte?
Janice:
(holding the full
cup) No, no, I'm still working on
mine.
(Chandler walks over to the counter
where Phoebe is, and is
asking her
about the break-up.)
Chandler:
That's it?
Phoebe:
Yeah, it was really
hard.
Chandler:
Oh, yeah,
that hug looked pretty brutal.
Phoebe:
Ok, you weren't
there.
[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel
is there, waiting for Ross.
An old
woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and
begins loading it with her things.]
Woman:
Comin' through. Move,
move.
Rachel:
Oh, 'scuse me.
I was kinda using that machine.
Woman:
Yeah, well, now
you're kinda not.
Rachel:
But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman:
Oh,
I'm
sorry,
is
that
your
basket?
It's
really
pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see
suds.
10 of 56 Pages
it.
(The woman and Ross stare
at each other. Finally she
takes her
stuff out of the machine and leaves.)
Ross:
(to
the
crowd
in
the
laundromat)
All
right,
show's
over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's
do laundry.
Rachel:
That
was
amazing.
I
can't
even
send
back
soup.
Ross:
Well, that's because
you're such a sweet, gentle,
uh...Do
you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need
detergent.
(Ross pulls out a
huge box of laundry detergent.)
Rachel:
What's that?
Ross:
Uberveiss
. It's new, it's
German, it's extra-tough.
(Rachel
starts to load her clothes.)
Ross:
Rach, do you uh, are
you gonna separate those?
Rachel:
Oh god. Oh, am I
being like a total laundry
spaz? I
mean, am I supposed to use like one machine
for shirts and another machine for
pants?
Ross:
Rach, have you never done this before?
Rachel:
Well, not myself,
but I know other people that
have. Ok,
you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross:
Uh, well, don't worry,
I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok,
um,
basically you wanna use one machine for all your
whites, a whole nother machine for
colors, and a third
for your uh, your
uh, delicates, and that would be your
bras and your under-panty things.
Rachel:
(holds a pair of
panties in front of Ross) Ok,
Well,
what about these are white cotton panties. Would
they go with whites or delicates?
Ross:
(visibly nervous) Uh,
that, that, that would be a
judgment
call.
[Scene:
Fancy
restaurant,
Monica,
Joey,
Angela,
and
Bob are seated at the table.]
Monica:
(to Joey) He is so
cute. (to Angela and Bob)
So, where did
you guys grow up?
Angela:
Brooklyn Heights.
Bob:
Cleveland.
Monica:
How, how
did that happen?
Joey:
Oh my
god.
Monica: What?
Joey:
I suddenly had the
feeling that I was falling. But
I'm
not.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob
are talking.]
Joey:
So, you
and Angela, huh?
Bob:
Yep.
Pretty much.
Joey:
You're a
lucky man. You know what I miss the
most about her? That cute nibbly noise
when she eats.
Like a happy little
squirrel, or a weasel.
Bob:
Huh, I never really noticed.
Joey:
Oh, yeah, yeah, listen
for it.
Bob:
Monica, Monica
is great.
Joey:
Yeah, but
it's not gonna last. She's too much for
me in bed. Sexually.
[Scene:
The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica
and Angela are talking.]
Monica:
I've gotta tell you,
Bob is terrific.
Angela:
Yeah, isn't he?
Monica:
It
is so great to meet a guy who is smart and
funny, and has an emotional age beyond,
like eight.
Angela:
You
know
what
else?
He's
unbelievable
in
bed.
Monica:
Wow.
My brother never even told me when he
Season 1
lost his virginity.
Angela:
Huh. That's nice.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is
coaching Chandler
on how to break up
with Janice.]
Phoebe:
Ok,
you can do this. It's just like pulling
off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast,
and then the
wound is exposed.
(Chandler walks back to couch, where
Janice is.)
Chandler:
Janice.
Hi,
Janice.
Ok,
here
we
go.
I
don't think we should go out anymore.
Janice.
Janice:
All
right.
Well,
there
you
go.
(she
gets
extremely wound up, and begins to try
and calm
herself down) Stop it, stop
it, stop it.
[Scene: The laundromat.]
Rachel:
Ok,
I
know
this
is
gonna
sound
really
stupid, but I feel
that if I can do this, you know, if I
can
actually
do
my
own
laundry,
there
isn't
anything I can't do.
Ross:
That does not sound
stupid to me. You know,
I couldn't stop
laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
(Angela is eating chicken wings and
making the weasel-like
noise Joey had
told Bob about.)
Joey:
Uh,
waiter,
one
more
plate
of
chicken
wings
over
here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still
trying to ease things
over
with
Janice,
and
there
are
about
a
dozen
empty
Espresso cups in front of him. He is
extremely wired.]
Chandler:
Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's
like we're different. I'm like the
bing, bing, bing. You're like
the
boom,
boom,
(Chandler
flails
his
hand
out
and
hits
Janice
in the eye)... boom.
Janice: Ow!
Chandler:
Oh, my god, I'm so
sorry. Are you ok?
Janice:
Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll
be
right back.
(She leaves.)
Chandler:
(to
Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the
eye! This is the worst break-up in the
history of the world.
your
clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
(Monica and Joey enter.)
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe:
Hey, how'd it go?
Joey:
Excellent.
Monica:
We
ripped
that
couple
apart,
and
kept
the
pieces
for ourselves.
Ross:
What a
beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
Monica:
(notices his head)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Rachel:
Where's Chandler?
Phoebe:
Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
(Chandler runs by the window outside,
joyous.)
Chandler:
I'm free!
I'm free!
Phoebe:
That
oughta do it.
End
106 The One With the Butt
it's
like
the
first
time
I
had
to
make
dinner
for
myself,
after
Carol
left
me?
(the
buzzer
on
the
washer goes off) I'm
sorry, that's all the time we
have.
Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.
Rachel:
What uh-oh?
Ross:
(not wanting to tell
her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the
laundry's
done.
It's,
uh,
it's
a
song.
The
laundry
song
that
we
sing.
(singing)
Uh-oh
the
laundry's
done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Rachel:
Ross, what's the
matter?
Ross:
Nothing,
nothing.
Lee-lo,
the
laundry's
done.
Rachel:
Come on, show me.
Ross:
All right, all right,
it's just that you left a red
sock in
with all your whites, and now, everything's
kinda pink.
Rachel:
Oh, everything's
pink.
Ross:
Yeah, uh, except
for the red sock, which is
still red.
I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could
happen to anyone.
Rachel:
Except it didn't. It
happened to me. Oh,
god, I'm gonna look
like a big marshmallow peep.
What am I
doing? What am I doing? My father's
right.
I
can't
live
on
my
own!
I
can't
even
do
laundry!
(The woman who had tried to steal the
washing
machine walks by,
and laughs.)
[Scene: The fancy
restaurant, Angela has her hand
in
Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]
Monica:
Something
went wrong with
Underdog,
and they couldn't get his head to
inflate. So anyway,
um, his head is
like flopping down Broadway, right,
and
I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is.
Um, I've got something in my eye, uh,
Joey, could
we check it in the light,
please?
(Her and Joey walk
away from the table.)
Monica:
Oh my god.
Joey:
What?
Monica:
Hello!
Were
we
at
the
same
table?
It's
like... cocktails in
Appalachia.
Joey:
Come on,
they're close.
Monica:
Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Joey:
Oh,
like
you've
never
gotten
a
little
rambunctious with Ross.
Monica:
Joey,
this
is
sick,
it's
disgusting,
it's,
it's
—
not really
true, is it?
Joey:
Well,
who's to say what's true? I mean...
Monica:
Oh my god, what were
you thinking?
Joey:
All
right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well,
maybe I am a little.
Monica:
(hits him lightly)
Oh!
Joey: Ow!
Monica:
(leaving) I'm outta
here.
Joey:
Wait, wait,
wait. You want him, I want her.
He
likes you.
Monica:
Really?
Joey:
Yeah.
I'm
thinking,
if
we
put
our
heads
together,
between
the
two
of
us,
we
can
break
them
up.
[Time lapse, Monica accidentally
spilled her drink
on Bob's shirt and is
wiping it off. Joey is making
eyes at
Angela.]
Monica:
I'm so
sorry, I can't believe I did this, but
Phoebe:
Oh my god. (Chandler
downs another espresso.)
How many of
those have you had?
Chandler:
Oh, I don't know,
a million?
Phoebe:
Chandler,
easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La
la la la la la la.
Chandler:
I'm fine.
Phoebe:
All right.
(Janice returns from the
bathroom.)
Chandler:
I'm not
fine. Here she comes.
Phoebe:
Wait here. Breathe.
(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice.
She talks to her for a
few seconds, and
then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her,
waves to Chandler, and leaves.)
Chandler:
How do you do
that?
Phoebe:
It's like a
gift.
Chandler:
We should
always always break up together.
Phoebe:
Oh, I'd like that.
[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is
sorting her now-pink
clothes.]
Ross:
You got the clothes
clean. Now that's the important
part.
Rachel:
Oh, I guess. Except
everything looks like jammies
now.
(The same woman walks over and takes
Rachel's laundry
cart.)
Rachel:
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Excuse me. We had this cart.
Woman:
Yeah, well, I had a
24-inch waist. You lose things.
Now
come on, get outta my way.
(Rachel
looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart
back.)
Rachel:
I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear.
Uh, this is our cart.
Woman:
Hey, hey, hey there
aren't any clothes in it.
Rachel:
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
quit making up rules!
Woman:
Let go!
(They struggle for the cart.
Finally, Rachel climbs inside of
it.)
Rachel:
All right, listen,
missy. If you want this cart, you're
gonna have to take me with it!
(She thinks it over, and
then walks away.)
Rachel:
(to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
Ross:
You were incredible!
Brand new woman, ladies and
gentlemen.
Rachel:
I could not have
done this without you.
(Rachel
stands
up
and
kisses
Ross.
He
is
stunned.
A
moment of silence follows.)
Ross:
Ok, um, uh, more
clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns
and
bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine,
I'm
fine.
Rachel:
Are you sure?
Ross: No.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.
Ross has an icepack to his head.]
Rachel:
Oh, are you sure
you're ok?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Does it still hurt?
Ross:
Yeah.
Phoebe:
(seeing
Rachel's
clothes)
What
a
neat
idea.
All
11 of
56 Pages
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is
in the audience wating
for a play of
Joey's to start.]
Rachel:
(reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look!
Look, there's Joey's picture! This is
so exciting!
Chandler:
You
can always spot someone who's never
seen one of his plays before. Notice,
no fear, no sense
of impending doom...
Phoebe:
The exclamation
point in the title scares me.
(Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just
Freud
, it's
Freud!
(The
lights dim.)
Ross:
Oh, shhh,
shh. Magic is about to happen.
(The
lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is
talking
to a female patient.)
Joey:
Vell, Eva, ve've done
some excellent vork here,
and I vould
have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
(He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A
thing through which you can tinkle,
Or
play with, or simply let hang...
Opening Credits
[Scene: The
Theater, the play has ended and everyone
is applauding.
As soon as
the cast leaves, the gang all
groan and
sit down heavily.]
Rachel:
God. I feel violated.
Monica:
Did anybody else
feel they just wanted to peel
the skin
off their body, to have something else to do?
Chandler:
(staring at a
woman across the room) Ross,
ten
o'clock.
Ross:
Is it? Feels
like two.
Chandler: No, ten o'clock.
Ross:
What?
Chandler:
(sighs
and
gestures
to
explain)
There's
a
beautiful woman at eight,
nine, ten o'clock!
Ross:
Oh.
Hel-lo!
Chandler:
She's
amazing! She makes the women that
I
dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica:
Well, go over to
her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler:
Oh yeah, and what
would my opening line
be? 'Excuse me.
Blarrglarrghh.'
Rachel:
Oh,
c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler:
Oh please, could
she
be
more out of my
league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross:
He could never get a
woman like that in a million
years.
Chandler:
Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe:
Oh,
oh,
but
y'know,
you
always
see
these
really beautiful women
with these really nothing guys,
you
could be one of those guys.
Monica:
You could do that!
Chandler:
Y'think?
All:
Yeah!
Chandler:
Oh
God,
I
can't
believe
I'm
even
considering this... I'm very very aware
of my tongue...
Ross:
C'mon!
C'mon!
Chandler:
Here goes.
(He walks over to her but just
stands
there.)
Aurora:
...Yes?
Chandler:
Hi.... um... okay,
next word... would be...
Chandler!
Chandler is my
name, and, uh...(He
clears
his throat noisily)...hi.
Season 1
Aurora:
Yes, you said that.
Chandler:
Yes, yes I did,
but what I didn't say was
what I was
about to say, what I wanted to say was,
uh... would you like to go out with me
sometime,
thankyou, goodnight. (He
walks back to the others
but she calls
him back.)
Aurora:
Chandler?
(Joey enters from behind a curtain.
The others all
talk at
once.)
having if you already have a
husband and a boyfriend?
Aurora:
I suppose mainly
sexual.
Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica:
Oh. I'm sorry it
didn't work out.
Chandler:
What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on
Thursday. Didn't you listen to the
story?
Monica:
Didn't
you
listen
to
the
story?
I
mean,
this
is
twisted! How could you
get involved with a woman like this?
Monica:
STOP IT!! ...Oh my
God. It's true! Who am I?
Ross:
Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe:
Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the
phone.)
Joey:
(on phone) Uh
huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay!
Okay,
I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was
my
agent.
(He
tosses
and
catches
the
phone.)
My
All:
Hey! You're in a play!
I didn't know you could
dance! You had
a beard!
Joey:
Whadja think?
(Pause)
All:
...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could
dance! You had a beard!
Joey:
C'mon, you guys, it
wasn't that bad. It was
better than
that thing I did with the trolls, at least
you got to see my head.
All:
(admitting) Saw your
head. Saw your head.
Chandler:
(running back) She
said yes!! She said
yes!! (To Joey)
Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All)
Her
name's
Aurora,
and
she's
Italian,
and
she
pronounces
my
name
'Chand-lrr'.
'Chand-lrr'.
I
think I like it better that way. (To
Joey) Oh, listen,
the usher gave me
this to give to you. (He fishes a
card
out of his pocket.)
Rachel:
What is it?
Joey:
The
Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an
agency
left
me
its
card!
Maybe
they
wanna
sign
me!
Phoebe:
Based
on
this play
? ...Based on
this play!
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
else
is
there
as
Chandler enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, kids.
All:
Hey.
Phoebe:
(reading Monica's
palm) No, 'cause this
line is passion,
and this is... just a line.
Chandler:
Well,
I
can't
believe
I've
been
here
almost seven seconds and you haven't
asked me
how my date went.
Monica:
Oh,
right,
right.
How
was
your
date,
'Chand-lrr'?
Chandler:
It was
unbelievable. I-I've never
met
anyone like her. She's had the most
amazing life!
She was in the Israeli
army...
(A flashback of Aurora and
Chandler on their date
in Central Perk
is denoted by italics.)
Aurora:
...Luckily
none
of
the
bullets
hit
the
engine
block. So, we made it to the border, but just
barely, and I- ...I've been talking
about myself all
night long, I'm sorry.
What about you? Tell me one
of your
stories.
Chandler:
Alright.
Once I got on the subway, right,
and
it
was
at
night,
and
I
rode
it
all
the
way
to
Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler:
We
talked
'til
like
two.
It
was
this
perfect evening... more
or less.
Aurora:
...All of a
sudden we realised we were in
Yammon.
Chandler:
Oh,
I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
Aurora:
'We' would be me and
Rick.
Joey:
Who's Rick?
Chandler:
Who's Rick?
Aurora:
My husband.
All:
Ooooohhh.
Chandler:
Oh, so you're
divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler:
Oh,
I'm
sorry,
then
you're
widowed?...Hopefully?
Aurora:
No, I'm still
married.
Chandler:
So tell
me, how do- how do you think
your
husband
would
feel
about
you
sitting
here
with
me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg
you can count the change in my pocket?
Aurora:
Don't worry. I
imagine he'd be okay with
you because
really, he's okay with Ethan.
Chandler:
Ethan? There's,
there's an Ethan?
Aurora:
Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
All:
What?!
Chandler:
So explain
something to me here, uh,
what
kind
of
a
relationship
do
you
imagine
us
Chandler:
Well, y'know, I
had some trouble with it at first
too,
but the way I look at it is, I get all the good
stuff: all the
fun,
all
the
talking,
all
the
sex;
and
none
of
the
responsibility. I mean,
this is every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe:
Oh,
yeah.
That
is
not
true.
Ross,
is
this
your
fantasy?
Ross:
No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
Monica:
What?
So
you
guys
don't
mind
going
out
with
someone
else who's going out with someone else?
Joey:
I couldn't do it.
Monica:
Good for you, Joey.
Joey:
When I'm with a woman,
I need to
know
that I'm
going out with more people than she is.
Ross:
Well,
y'know,
monogamy
can
be
a,
uh,
tricky
concept. I mean, anthropologically
speaking-
(They all pretend to fall
asleep.)
Ross:
Fine. Fine,
alright, now you'll never know.
Monica:
We're kidding.
C'mon, tell us!
All:
Yeah!
C'mon!
Ross:
Alright.
There's
a
theory,
put
forth
by
Richard
Leakey-
(They all fall
asleep again.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Rachel
is
there
as
enter
except Joey enter.]
Rachel:
Tah-daaah!
Chandler:
Are
we
greeting
each
other
this
way
now?
'Cause I like that.
Rachel:
Look!
I
cleaned!
I
did
the
windows,
I
did
the
floors...
I even used all
the
attachments
on the
vacuum,
except that little round one
with the bristles, I don't know
what
that's for.
Ross:
Oh yeah,
nobody knows. And we're not supposed to
ask.
Rachel:
Well, whaddya think?
All:
Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica:
...Oh! I-I see you
moved the green ottoman.
All:
Uh-oh...
Monica:
How-how did that
happen?
Rachel:
I dunno..
I-I thought it looked better there. And I-
and also, it's an extra seat around the
coffee table.
Monica:
Yeah,
yeah,
it's
interesting..
but
y'know
what?
Just
for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old
spot. (She
moves it.) Alright, just to
compare. Let's see. Well, it looks
good
there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe:
(to Rachel) I can't
believe you tried to move the
green
ottoman.
Chandler:
Thank
God
you
didn't
try
to
fan
out
the
magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your
eyes right out.
Monica:
You
guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe:
Yeah, you are,
Monica. Remember when I lived
with you?
You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree!
Ree!
Ree! Ree!
Monica:
That is so unfair!
Ross:
Oh c'mon! When we were
kids, yours was the only
Raggedy Ann
doll that wasn't raggedy!
Monica:
Okay, so I'm
responsible, I'm organised. But hey,
I
can be a kook.
Ross:
Alright,
you
madcap
gal.
Try
to
imagine
this.
The
phone bill arrives, but
you don't pay it right away.
Monica:
Why not?
Ross:
Because you're a kook!
Instead you wait until they
send you a
notice.
Monica:
I could do
that.
Rachel:
Okay, uh, you
let me go grocery shopping, and I
buy
laundry
detergent,
but
it's
not
the
one
with
the
easy-pour spout.
Monica:
Why
would
someone
do
that?!
...One
might
wonder.
Chandler:
Someone's
left
a
glass
on
the
coffee
table.
There's no coaster. It's a cold drink,
it's
a hot day. Little
beads
of
condensation
are
inching
their
way
closer
and
closer
to the surface of the wood...
12 of 56
Pages
agent has just gotten me a
job...in the new Al Pacino
movie!
All:
Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica:
Well, what's the
part?
Joey:
Can you believe
this? Al Pacino! This guy's the
reason
I became an actor!
You're
out
of
order!
This
whole
courtroom's
out
of
order!
Phoebe:
Seriously, what-what's the part?
Joey:
when
I
thought
I
was
out,
they
pull
me
back
in!
Ross:
C'mon, seriously,
Joey, what's the part?
Joey:
...I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel:
..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey:
...I'm
his
butt
double.
'Kay?
I
play
Al
Pacino's
butt.
Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm
his butt.
Monica:
(trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey:
C'mon, you guys. This
is a
real
movie, and Al
Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler:
Oh no, it's
terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you
deserve this, after all your years of
struggling, you've
finally been able to
crack your way into showbusiness.
Joey:
Okay, okay, fine! Make
jokes, I don't care! This is
a big
break for me!
Ross:
You're
right,
you're
right,
it
is...So
you
gonna
invite us all to the big opening?
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica
is getting the door.]
Monica:
Alright, alright,
alright...
(Joey enters
with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
Joey:
Here. I need to borrow
some moisturizer.
Monica:
For what?
Joey:
Whaddya
think? Today's the big day!
Monica:
Oh my God. Okay, go
into the bathroom, use
whatever you
want, just don't ever tell me what you did
in there.
Joey:
Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
(Chandler enters with the phone.)
Chandler:
Where's Joey? His
mom's on the phone.
Monica:
He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna
go in there!
Chandler:
C'mon, we're
roommates! (He goes into the
bathroom,
screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My
eyes!!
Monica:
I
warned you...
(Rachel enters from her
room.)
Rachel:
Who is being
loud?
Chandler:
Oh,
that
would
be
Monica.
Hey,
listen,
I
wanna
borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night,
I really wanna make her breakfast.
Monica:
Oh, you got the
whole night, huh?
Chandler:
Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until
Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid
the fridge.)
Rachel:
Ooh, do
I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler:
No, no resentment,
believe me, it's worth it.
'Kay?
Y'know
in
a
relationship
you
have
these
key
moments that you know you'll remember
for the rest of
your life? Well, every-
single- second is like that with
Aurora.. and I've just wasted about
thirty-five of them
talking to you
people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me
with the door? (He has armloads of
stuff.)
Monica:
Sure. Oh,
um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old
Monica would-would remind you to scrub
that Teflon
pan with a plastic
brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
(She opens the door and he leaves.)
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering
for his scene.]
Director:
(on
phone)...Dammit,
hire
the
girl!
(He
hangs up the phone.)
Okay, everybody ready?
Joey:
Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great
opportunity.
Season 1
Director:
Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director:
That would work.
Joey:
Right. Okay. Losing
the robe. (He takes off
the robe.) And
the robe is lost.
Director:
Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in
one take, please. Let's roll it..
water's working (The
shower starts)..
and... action.
(Joey starts to the
shower with a grim, determined
look on
his face.)
Director:
And
cut. Hey, Butt Guy,
what
the
hell
are you doing?
Joey:
Well, I'm- I'm
showering.
Director:
No,
that was clenching.
Joey:
Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset
here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead,
his brother's
missing... I think his
butt would be angry here.
Director:
I think his butt
would like to get this shot
before
lunch. Once again, rolling... water working...
Aurora:
(gets up to leave)
Well, call me if you change your
mind.
(She kisses him, he holds her, and
kisses her passionately.)
Chandler:
Sorry, the first
guy runs the lips.
(She leaves,
Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Ross
is
trying
to
comfort
Chandler.
Joey is absent.]
Ross:
Look at it this way:
you
dumped
her
. Right? I mean,
this
woman
was
unbelievably
sexy,
and
beautiful,
intelligent, unattainable... Tell me
why you did this again?
(Joey enters.)
All:
Hey!
Monica:
Hey, waitwait,
aren't you the guy that plays the
butt
in the new Al Pacino movie?
Joey:
Nope.
Ross:
No? What happened, big
guy?
Chandler:
(to Ross)
Ross:
It felt like a 'big
guy' moment.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is
on the phone
with her mother. Phoebe,
Rachel, and Ross are there.]
Rachel:
Wow, this is so
cool, you guys. The entire city
is
blacked out!
Monica:
Mom
says
it's
all
of
Manhattan,
parts
of
Brooklyn
and Queens, and they have no idea when it's
coming back on.
Rachel:
Wow, you guys, this
is big.
Monica:
(into phone)
Pants and a sweater? Why, mom?
Who am I
gonna meet in a blackout? Power company
guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk
about this later?
OK. (hangs up)
Phoebe:
Can I borrow the
phone? I want to call my
apartment
and
check
on
my
grandma.
(to
Monica)
What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel look at
Phoebe strangely.)
Phoebe:
Well, I never call
me
.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is
on the cellular
and action....and cut.
What was that?
Joey:
I was
going for quiet desperation. But if you
have to ask...
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler
are in bed in Chandler's room.]
Chandler:
God, I love these
fingers...
Aurora:
Thank
you.
Chandler:
No, actually
I meant my fingers. Look
at 'em, look
at how happy they are.
Aurora:
(moves
Chandler's
arm
and
look
at
his
watch.) Oh my God, I'm
late. (She starts to get up.)
Chandler:
Oh
no
nonononononnononono,
don't
go.. (He kisses her
and pulls her back down.)
Aurora: Okay.
Chandler:
Don't go.
Aurora:
Okay. Oh no, I have
to.
Chandler:
(to himself)
Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora:
(getting up and
dressing) I'm sorry. He'll
be waiting
for me.
Chandler:
Well, I
thought- I thought you talked to
Rick.
Aurora:
It's not Rick.
Chandler:
What,
Ethan?
He
got
to
spend
the
whole day with you!
Aurora:
No, it's-it's
Andrew.
Chandler:
I know there'll be
many moments in the
years to come when
I'll regret asking the following
question, but- And Andrew is?
Aurora:
He's... new.
Chandler:
Oh, so what you're
saying is you're not
completely
fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
Aurora:
No, that's not
exactly what I was..
Chandler:
Well, y'know, most
women would kill
for three guys like
us.
Aurora:
So what do you
want?
Chandler: You.
Aurora:
You have me!
Chandler:
Nono, just you.
Aurora:
Whaddyou mean?
Chandler:
Lose the other
guys.
Aurora:
...Like,
...all of them?
Chandler:
C'mon, we're great together, why not?
Aurora:
Why
can't
we
just
have
what
we
have
now? Why can't we just
talk, and laugh, and make
love,
without
feeling
obligated
to
one
another...
and
up
until
tonight
I
thought
that's
what
you
wanted
too.
Chandler:
...Well,
y'know, part of me wants that,
but
it's
like
I'm
two
guys,
y'know?
I
mean,
one
guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!'
But there's this
other guy. Actually
it's the same guy that wells up
every
time
that
Grinch's
heart
grows
three
sizes
and
breaks
that
measuring
device...
And
he's
saying,
y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
Aurora:
So... which one of
the two guys will you
listen to?
Chandler:
I don't know, I-I
have to listen to both
of them, they
don't exactly let each other finish...
Aurora:
Which one?
Chandler:
...The second guy.
Joey:
I got fired.
All:
Oh!
Joey:
Yeah,
they
said
I
acted
too
much
with
it.
I
told
everybody
about
this!
Now
everybody's
gonna
go
to
the
theatre, expecting to see me, and...
Rachel:
Oh, Joey, you know
what, no-one is gonna be able
to tell.
Joey:
My mom will.
Chandler:
Something
so
sweet
and...disturbing
about
that.
Joey:
Y'know, I've done
nothing but crappy plays for six
years.
And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!
Monica:
Maybe this wasn't
your shot.
Ross:
Yeah, I
mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know,
you-you know it's your shot. Did it...
feel like your shot..?
Joey:
Hard to tell, I was naked.
Phoebe:
No, I don't think
this was your shot. I mean, I
don't
even think you just get one shot. I really believe
big
things are gonna happen for you, I
do! You've gotta just
keep thinking
about the day that some kid is gonna run up
to
his
friends
and
go
'I
got
the
part!
I
got
the
part!
I'm
gonna
be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.
Joey:
Yeah? That's so nice!
(They hug.)
(Ross and Chandler look at
each other and hug as well.)
Monica:
I'm sorry, Joey. I'm
gonna go to bed, guys.
All:
Night.
Rachel:
Uh,
Mon,
you-you
gonna
leave
your
shoes
out
here?
Monica:
(determined) Uh-huh!
Rachel:
Really? Just
casually strewn about in that reckless
haphazard manner?
Monica:
Doesn't
matter,
I'll
get
'em
tomorrow.
Or
not.
Whenever. (He goes to
her room.)
Ross:
She
is
a kook.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]
Monica:
(hums for a while,
then gives up, and in her head)
If it
bothers you that much, just go out and get the
shoes.
No.
Don't
do
this.
This
is
stupid!
I
don't
have
to
prove
anything, I'm gonna go
get them...But then everyone will
know.
Unless I get them, and then wake up really early
and
put them back! ...I need help! (She
buries her head in her
pillow.)
End
107 The One With the Blackout
[Scene: Central Perk,
Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is
playing her guitar for the crowd.]
Rachel:
Everybody?
Shh,
shhh.
Uhhh...
Central
Perk
is
proud to present the music of Miss
Phoebe Buffay.
(applause)
Phoebe:
Hi. Um, I want to
start with a song thats about
that
moment
when
you
suddenly
realize
what
life
is
all
about. OK, here we go.
(plays a chord, then the lights go
out)
OK, thank you very much.
[Scene: The
ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside.
The lights go out, and he realizes he
is trapped inside.]
Chandler:
Oh,
great
. This is just...
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous
model inside the
vestibule
with
him.
He
makes
a
gesture
of
quiet
exuberance.)
13 of 56 Pages
phone. Chandler's thoughts are in
italics.]
Chandler:
Oh my
God, it's that Victoria's Secret model.
Something... something Goodacre.
Jill:
(on phone) Hi Mom,
it's Jill.
Chandler:
She's
right,
it's
Jill.
Jill
Goodacre.
Oh
my
God.
I
am
trapped
in
an
ATM
vestibule
with
Jill
Goodacre!
(pause)
Is
it
a
vestibule?
Maybe
it's
an
atrium.
Oh, yeah,
that
is the part
to focus on, you idiot!
Jill:
(on phone) Yeah, I'm
fine. I'm just stuck at the
bank, in an
ATM vestibule.
Chandler:
Jill
says
vestibule...
I'm
going
with
vestibule.
Jill:
(on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't
know, some guy.
Chandler:
Oh! Some guy. Some
guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw
you with some guy
last night. Yes, he was
some
guy
.
(Chandler
strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill
stares at him.)
[Scene:
Monica's
apartment,
Joey
enters
with
a
menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey:
Hi everyone.
Ross:
And
officiating
at
tonight's
blackout,
is
Rabbi
Tribbiani.
Joey:
Well,
Chandler's
old
roomate
was
Jewish,
and
these
are
the
only
candles
we
have,
so...
Happy
Chanukah, everyone.
Phoebe:
(at window) Eww,
look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a
bunch of
candles.
(They all look at the window,
grossed out, then flinch in
pain.)
Rachel:
That had to hurt!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler:
Alright, alright,
alright. It's been fourteen
and a half minutes and you still have
not said one word.
Oh God, do
something. Just make contact, smile!
(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles
back sweetly.)
Chandler:
There you go!
(He
continues
to
smile
like
an
idiot,
and
she
looks
frightened.)
Chandler:
You're definitely
scaring here.
Jill:
(awkwardly)
Would
you
like
to
call
somebody?
(offering phone)
Chandler:
Yeah, about 300
guys I went to high school
with. Yeah,
thanks. (takes phone)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
The
phone
rings;
it's
Chandler.]
Monica:
Hello?
Chandler:
Hey, it's me.
Monica:
(to everyone) It's
Chandler! (on phone) Are
you OK?
Chandler:
Yeah, I'm fine.
(trying to cover up what he
is saying)
I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth
Jll
Gdcr
.
Monica: What?
Chandler:
I'm trppd... in an
ATM vstbl... wth
Jll Gdcr
!
Monica:
I have no idea what
you just said.
Chandler:
(angry) Put Joey on the phone.
Joey:
What's up man?
Chandler:
I'm
trppd...
in
an
ATM
vstbl...
wth
JLL
GDCR
.
Joey:
(to
everyone) Oh
my God! He's
trapped in an
ATM vestibule with Jill
Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler,
Season 1
listen. (says something intentionally
garbled)
Chandler:
Yeah,
like that thought never entered
my
mind.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time
has passed. The
five are sitting around
the coffee table talking.]
Rachel:
Alright, somebody.
Monica:
OK, I'll go. OK,
senior year of college... on
a pool
table.
All:
Whoooaa!
Ross:
That's my sister.
Joey:
OK... my weirdest
place would have to be...
the women's
room on the second floor of the New
York CIty public library.
Monica:
Oh my God! What were
you doing in a
library?
Ross:
Pheebs, what about
you?
Phoebe:
Oh...
Milwaukee.
Ross:
No, no, no.
I'm not in the zone.
Joey:
Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross:
I'm
taking
my
time,
alright?
I'm
laying
the
groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I
get just a little bit
closer to...
Joey:
Priesthood! Look Ross,
I'm telling you, she has no
idea
what
you're
thinking.
If
you
don't
ask
her
out
soon
you're
going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross:
I will, I will. See,
I'm waiting for the right moment.
(Joey
looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey:
Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's
messing you up? The wine?
The candles?
The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her
and
say,
'Rachel,
I
think
that...'
(Rachel
comes
into
the
room
behind them)
Ross:
Shhhh!
Rachel:
What are you
shushing?
Ross:
We're
shushing...
because...
we're
trying
to
hear
something. Listen. (everyone is silent)
Don't you hear that?
Ross:
OK.
Here
goes.
For
a
while
now,
I've
been
wanting to, um....
Rachel:
Ohhh!!!! (looking at
something behind Ross)
Ross:
Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel:
Oh, look at the
little cat! (a small kitten is on
the
roof behind Ross)
Ross:
What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!
[Cut
to
inside.
Monica,
Joey
and
Phoebe
are
singing
while outside, Ross
and Rachel are trying to get the cat
off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and
Phoebe:
(singing) I'm on top
of
the
world,
looking
down
on
creation
and
the
only
explanation I can find,
is the wonders I've found ever
since...
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat,
Monica is treating the scratches on
Ross' back. Joey is
holding the menorah
over the wound.]
Rachel:
Um... Ross?
Ross:
Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After
All.'
All:
No
way!
Ross:
The ride broke
down. So, Carol and I went
behind
a
couple
of
those
mechanical
Dutch
children... then they
fixed the ride, and
we were
asked never to return to the Magic
Kingdom.
Phoebe:
Oh, Rachel.
Rachel:
Oh come on, I
already went.
Monica:
You
did not go!
All:
Come on.
Rachel:
Oh,
alright.
The
weirdest
place
would
have to be...
(sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
Ross:
Step back.
Joey:
We have a winner!
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are
talking, Joey is on
the couch, and
Monica and Phoebe are out of the
room.]
Rachel:
I just never had a
relationship with that
kind of passion,
you know, where you have to have
somebody
right
there,
in
the
middle
of
a
theme
park.
Ross:
Well, it was the only
thing to do there that
didn't have a
line.
Rachel:
There, well,
see? Barry wouldn't even kiss
me on a
miniature golf course.
Ross:
Come on.
Rachel:
No,
he
said
we
were
holding
up
the
people behind us.
Ross:
(sarcastically)
And
you
didn't
marry
him
because...?
Rachel:
I
mean,
do
you
think
there
are
people
who go through life
never having that kind of...
Ross:
Probably.
But
you
know,
I'll
tell
you
something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel:
Yeah
right.
Ross:
It is.
Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But
hopefully,
what
you're
left
with
is
trust,
and
security,
and...
well,
in
the
case
of
my
ex-wife,
lesbianism. So, you
know, for all of those people
who miss
out on that passion... thing, there's
all
that other good stuff.
Rachel:
(sigh) OK.
Ross:
But, um... I don't
think that's going to be
you.
Rachel:
You don't.
Ross:
Uh-uh.
See,
I
see....
big
passion
in
your
future.
Rachel:
Really?
Ross:
Mmmm.
Rachel:
You do?
Ross:
I do.
Rachel:
Oh Ross, you're so
great. (she
playfully
rubs
his head and gets up)
(Ross gets up,
pleased with himself.)
Joey:
It's never gonna happen.
Ross:
(innocently) What?
Joey:
You and Rachel.
Ross:
(acts surprised) What?
(pause) Why not?
Joey:
Because you waited too long to make your
move, and now you're in the
friend zone
.
Rachel:
Ahhhh!
Ross:
See?
Rachel:
Huh. (she agrees,
but looks very confused)
[Scene: ATM
vestibule.]
Jill:
Would you
like some gum?
Chandler:
Um,
is it sugarless?
Jill:
(checks) Sorry, it's not.
Chandler:
Oh,
then
no
thanks.
What
the
hell
was
that?
Mental
note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take
it. If
she offers you mangled animal
carcass, you take it.
[Scene: Monica's
apartment, Phoebe is singing.]
Phoebe:
(singing) New York
City has no power, and the
milk is
getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I
stay
away from dairy.... la la la, la
la, la la... (she writes the lyrics
down)
Ross:
(to
Joey) OK, here goes.
Joey:
Are you going to do it?
Ross:
I'm going to do it.
Joey:
Do you want any help?
Ross:
You come out there,
you're a dead man.
Joey:
Good luck, man.
Ross:
Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
Joey:
OK. (Ross goes out on
the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica
walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Joey:
Hey, where are you
going?
Monica:
Outside.
Joey:
You can't go out
there.
Monica:
Why not?
Joey:
Because of... the
reason.
Monica:
And that
would be?
Joey:
I, um, can't
tell you.
Monica:
Joey,
what's going on?
Joey:
OK,
you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell
Ross that I told you.
Monica:
About what?
Joey:
He's planning your
birthday party.
Monica:
Oh
my God! I love him!
Joey:
(as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.
Phoebe:
About what?
Monica:
My surprise party!
Phoebe:
What surprise party?
Monica:
Oh stop it. Joey
already told me.
Phoebe:
Well, he didn't tell me.
Joey:
Hey, don't look at me.
This is Ross's thing.
Phoebe:
This is so typical.
I'm always the last one to know
everything.
Monica:
No, you are not. We
tell you stuff.
Phoebe:
Yuh-huh!
I
was
the
last
one
to
know
when
Chandler got bitten by the peacock at
the zoo. I was the last
one to know
when you had a crush on Joey when he was
moving
in.
(Monica
gestures
at
Phoebe
to
shut
up;
Joey
looks surprised but pleased) Looks like
I was second to last.
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are
talking.]
Rachel:
Hmmm... this is so nice.
Ross:
OK, I have a question.
Well, actually, it's not so much
a
question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
14 of 56 Pages
Monica:
(to Ross) This is
just Bactine. It won't hurt.
(Ross
flinches in pain.)
Joey:
Sorry, that was wax.
Phoebe:
Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We
should find his owner.
Ross:
Why don't we just put
'poor little Tooty' out in
the hall?
Rachel:
During a blackout?
He'd get trampled!
Ross:
(nonchalantly) Yeah?
[Scene: ATM
vestibule.]
Chandler:
You
know, on second thought, gum would
be
perfection.
(Jill
gives
him
a
stick
of
gum,
and
a
strange
look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would
be perfection.' Could have said 'gum
would be nice,' or
'I'll have a stick,'
but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is
perfection
. I loathe myself.
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's
building. Phoebe and
Rachel are trying
to find the cat's owner.]
Phoebe:
(stops at a door) Oh
no, the Mendels, they
hate all living
things, right?
Rachel:
Oh.
(they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles
answers) Hi. We just found this cat and
we're looking
for the owner.
Mr. Heckles:
Er, yeah, it's
mine.
Phoebe:
(trying
to
hold
back
the
struggling
cat)
He
seems to hate you. Are
you sure?
Mr. Heckles:
Yeah,
it's my cat. Give me my cat.
Phoebe:
Wait a minute.
What's his name?
Mr.
Heckles:
Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
Rachel:
Bob Buttons?
Mr. Heckles:
Mmm. Bob
Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
Phoebe:
(the cat runs away
from her) Oooh! You are a
very bad man!
Mr. Heckles:
(as Phoebe and
Rachel leave) You owe
me a cat.
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own
to look for the
cat's owner.]
Rachel:
Here,
kitty-kitty.
Here
kitty-kitty.
Where
did
you
go,
little
kitty-kitty-kitty?
Here
kitty-kitty-kitty-
kitty...
(While looking at the floor
for the cat, Rachel runs into
a pair of
legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous
Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by
the way, you'll
hate very, very soon.
The man. Not the cat.)
Paolo:
(something Italian)
Rachel:
Wow.
(she
exhales
in
amazement,
blowing
the candle out)
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey
are playing
Monopoly
.]
Ross:
(rolling) Lucky
sixes....
Rachel:
(entering
with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody,
this
is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends.
This
is Monica.
Monica:
(smitten) Hi!
Rachel:
And Joey....
Monica: Hi!
Rachel:
And Ross.
Monica: Hi!
Paolo:
(something in
Italian)
Rachel:
(proudly)
He doesn't speak much English.
Paolo:
(pointing at game)
Monopoly
!
Season 1
Rachel:
Look at that!
Ross:
(jealous)
So,
um...
where
did
Paolo
come
from?
Rachel:
Oh... Italy, I
think.
Ross:
No,
I
mean
tonight,
in
the
building.
Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel:
Well, the cat... the
cat turned out to be
Paolo's cat!
Ross:
That, that is funny...
(to Joey).... and Rachel
keeps touching
him.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe:
Alright. I looked
all over the building and
I couldn't
find the kitty anywhere.
Rachel:
Oh, I found him. He
was Paolo's cat.
which makes him
taller. Ross gets up on the same step so
he can look down at Paolo.)
Ross:
Listen. Um, listen.
Something you should... know...
um,
Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing.
Paolo:
Thing?
Ross:
Thing, yes. Thing.
Paolo:
Ah, you... have the
sex?
Ross:
No, no, no.
Technically the... sex is not... being had,
but that's... see, that's not the
point. See, um, the point is
that...
Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know,
and
if you get in the.... um...
Paolo: Bed?
Ross:
No, no, that's not
where I was going. Er, if you get in
the...
way
, of us
becoming a thing, then I would be, well,
because I met somebody who would be
perfect for you.
Chandler:
Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had
you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-
destructive'...
Shelley:
Do
you want a date Saturday?
Chandler:
Yes please.
Shelley:
Okay. He's cute,
he's funny, he's-
Chandler:
He's a he?
Shelley:
Well
yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good,
Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself
down the toilet
now...(backs out of the
room) Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone
is there.)
Chandler:
...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that.
Phoebe:
Ah!
Well!
There
you
go!
Last
to
know
very sad.
again! And I'm guessing... since nobody
told me...
Paolo: Oh!
this
is Paolo.
Ross:
Yeah!
Se vice
?
Rachel:
Ah, Paolo, this is
Phoebe.
Paolo: Si.
Paolo:
(something
in
Italian,
he
is
apparently
Ross:
So you do know a
little English.
attracted to Phoebe)
Paolo:
Poco... a leetle.
Phoebe:
(smiling) You
betcha!
Ross:
Do you know
the word
crapweasel
?
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Paolo: No.
Chandler:
(chewing gum) Ah,
let's see. What next?
Blow a bubble. A
bubble's good. It's got a... boyish
Ross:
That's
funny,
because
you
know,
you
are
a
huge
charm, it's impish. Here we go.
crapweasel!
(Chandler waits
until Jill is looking, then starts to
(They hug.)
blow
a
bubble.
But
instead
of
blow
one,
he
[Scene:
ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below
accidentally spits the gum out of his
mouth and hits
the
counter
with
two
pens
dangling
from
their
chains
in
the wall.)
front of them.
Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen
Chandler:
Nice
going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need
around his head.]
to
do
is
reach
over
and
put
it
in
my
mouth.
Jill:
Chandler, we've been
here for an hour doing this! Now
(Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the
wall and
watch, it's easy.
slides it back in his mouth.)
Chandler: OK.
Chandler:
Good save! We're
back on track, and
I'm... (grimacing)
..chewing someone else's gum.
Jill:
Ready?
(she
swings
the
pen
around
her
head
in
a
This
is
not
my
gum
. Oh my
God! Oh my God!
circle)
And
now you're choking.
(Chandler tries to do the same thing
but the pen hits him in
(Chandler
starts to choke.)
the head.)
Jill:
Are you alright?
Jill:
No, you've got to whip
it.
(Chandler
tries
to
save
face
and
makes
the
'OK'
(He
swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost
hits
sign
with
his
hands,
while
obviously
unable
to
him again.)
breathe.)
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around
Jill:
My God, you're
choking! (she runs over and
the table.]
gives
him
the
Heimlich,
the
gum
flies
from
his
Phoebe:
Oh, look look look.
The last candle's about to burn
mouth)
That better?
out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time
lapse)... negative 46, negative 47,
Chandler:
(gasping) Yes...
thank you. That was...
negative
48....
(someone
blows
it
out,
the
room
gets
that was....
completely
dark)
Jill:
Perfection?
Ross:
Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and
Paolo are
Phoebe:
Thanks.
at
the
window.
Ross
and
Joey
are
watching
Ross:
Kinda... spooky
without any lights.
disgustedly.]
Joey:
(does a maniacal
laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!
Paolo:
(something
romantic
in
Italian
about
(Everyone starts to imitate him.)
Rachel and the stars)
Ross:
OK,
guys,
guys?
I
have
the
definitive
one.
Ross:
(mocking Paolo) Blah
blah blah, blah blah
Mwwwooooo-hah-
hah...
blah... blah blaaaaaah....
(The lights come back on, and Rachel
and Paolo are making
(Rachel walks away
from Paolo, laughing.)
out. Ross
clutches his chest.)
Ross:
Wha-What did he say that was so funny?
Ross:
Oh.. oh... oh.
Rachel:
I have absolutely no
idea.
Joey:
Hey Ross. This
probably isn't the best time to bring it
Ross:
That's... that's
classic.
up, but you have to throw a
party for Monica.
Rachel:
(to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you
Closing Credits
guys, what
am I doing? What am I doing? This is so
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has
come back on.]
un-me!
Jill:
Well, this has been
fun.
Monica:
If you want,
I'll do it.
Chandler:
Yes.
Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone...
(Ross looks at Joey.)
and
for saving my life.
Phoebe:
I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip.
Jill:
Well, goodbye
Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she
(Rachel looks at her) But I won't.
kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
Rachel:
God,
the
first
time
he
smiled
at
me...
(She
leaves.
Chandler
presses
his
face
to
the
glass
door
those three seconds
were more exciting than three
after
her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns
to the
weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
security camera and starts talking to
it.)
Phoebe:
You know, did
you ride mopeds? 'Cause
Chandler:
Hi, um, I'm
account number 7143457. And, uh,
I've
heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's
I don't know if you got any of that,
but I would really like a
not about
that right now. OK.
copy of the tape.
Rachel:
Y'know, I know it's
totally superficial and
End
we
have
absolutely
nothing
in
common,
and
we
don't
even
speak
the
same
language
but
Goooooooddddddd....
108 The
One Where Nana Dies Twice
[Cut to the
other side of the apartment, Ross has
[Scene:
Chandler's
Office,
Chandler
is
on
a
coffee
gone over to
straighten things out with Paolo.]
break.
Shelley
enters.)
Shelley:
Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Ross:
Paolo. Hi.
Chandler:
Dehydrated
Japanese
noodles
under
Paolo:
Ross!
fluorescent lights... does it
get
better than this?
(Ross
notices
that
Paolo
is
standing
on
a
step,
Shelley:
Question.
You're
not
dating
anybody,
are
you,
15 of 56 Pages
I mean, is
that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually
thought that?
Rachel:
Um... yeah. Well, I
mean, when I first met you,
y'know, I
thought maybe, possibly, you might be...
Chandler:
You
did?
Rachel:
Yeah,
but
then
you
spent
Phoebe's
entire
birthday party talking to my breasts,
so then I figured
maybe not.
Chandler:
Huh. Did, uh...
any of the rest of you guys
think that
when you first met me?
Monica:
I did.
Phoebe:
Yeah, I think so,
yeah.
Joey:
Not me.
Ross:
Nono, me neither.
Although, uh, y'know, back in
college,
Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler:
You're kidding!
Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross:
No. No, it's just
'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go
out
with her too, so I told her, actually, you were
seeing
Bernie Spellman... who also
liked her, so...
(Joey
congratulates
Ross,
sees
Chandler's
look
and
abruptly
stops.)
Chandler:
Well, this
is fascinating. So, uh, what is it
about me?
Phoebe:
I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Chandler:
Ross is smart and
funny, d'you ever think
that about him?
All:
Yeah! Right!
Chandler:
WHAT IS IT?!
Monica:
Okay, I-I d'know,
you-you just- you have a
quality.
All:
Yes. Absolutely. A
quality.
Chandler:
Oh,
oh,
a
quality,
good,
because
I
was
worried you guys were gonna be vague
about this.
(Phone rings; Monica gets
it)
Monica:
Hello?
Hello?
Oh!
Rachel,
it's
Paolo
calling
from Rome.
Rachel:
Oh my God! Calling
from Rome! (Takes phone)
Bon giorno,
caro mio.
Ross:
(to Joey) So he's
calling from Rome. I could do
that.
Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel:
Monica, your dad
just beeped in, but can you
make
it
quick?
Talking
to
Rome.
(Showing
off
to
Phoebe and
Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
Monica:
Hey dad, what's up?
(Listens) Oh God. Ross,
it's Nana.
[Scene:
The
Hospital,
Mr.
and
Mrs.
Geller
are
there,
along
with
Aunt
Lillian.
Ross
and
Monica
enter
and
everyone says hi and kisses.)
Ross:
So, uh, how's she
doing?
Aunt Lillian:
The
doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Monica:
How-how are you,
Mom?
Mrs.
Geller:
Me?
I'm
fine,
fine.
I'm
glad
you're
here. ...What's with
your hair?
Monica: What?
Mrs. Geller:
What's
different?
Monica:
Nothing.
Mrs. Geller:
Oh, maybe
that's it.
(Monica strides over to
Ross, who is making coffee, and
talks
to him aside.)
Monica:
She
is unbelievable, our mother is...
Ross:
Okay, relax, relax. We
are gonna be here for a
while,
it
looks
like,
and
we
still
have
boyfriends
and
your career to cover.
Monica:
Oh God!
(They hug.)
Season 1
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone
is talking about
Nana.]
Monica:
The fuzzy little
mints at the bottom of her
purse.
Ross:
Oh!
...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller
and Aunt Lillian are
going through
clothes.]
Ross:
I thought it
was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs.
Geller:
Well, that doesn't mean she
can't look nice!
(They
open
a
cupboard
which,
amongst
other
things,
Mrs.
Geller:
Mm. Unless we go with a
different dress?
Ross:
No!
Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something
in the back.
(He finds
a shoebox (out of shot), pulls
it down
and
opens
it. It is full of
Sweet 'n'
Lo
's.)
what
I
loved?
Her
Sweet
'n'
Los.
How
she
was
always
stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mr. Geller:
Not just
restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse
comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse:
Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone
stands
up.
Cut
to
Ross
and
Monica
in
Nana's room.)
Ross:
She looks so small.
Monica:
I know.
Ross:
Well, at least she's
with Pop-Pop and Aunt
Phyllis now.
Monica:
G'bye,
Nana.
(She
kisses
her
on
the
forehead.)
Ross:
Bye, Nana.
(He
goes
to
kiss
her
but
she
moves.
Monica
screams.
Ross
shouts
and
stares
in
disbelief.
Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out
too.)
Mrs. Geller:
What is
going on?!
Ross:
Y'know
how-how
the
nurse
said
that-that
Nana had passed?
Well, she's not, quite..
Mrs. Geller:
What?
Ross:
She's not- past,
she's present, she's back.
Aunt
Lillian:
(reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller:
She may have
died.
Aunt Lillian:
She
may
have died?
Mr. Geller:
We're looking
into it.
(Monica
returns
with
the
nurse
and
they
go
into
Nana's room.)
Ross:
I, uh, I'll go see.
(He goes in)
Nurse:
This
almost never happens!
(Nana passes
for the second time
and the
nurse
pulls the blanket over her. Ross
and Monica go to
tell the family)
Ross:
Now
she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe,
Joey, and
Rachel are there.]
Chandler:
I just have to
know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel:
(exasperated)
Yes,
Chandler,
that's
exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe:
Yeah, you have
homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross
enter.)
Rachel:
So, um, did
she...
Ross:
Twice.
Joey:
Twice?
Phoebe:
Oh, that sucks!
Joey:
You guys okay?
Ross:
I
dunno,
it's
weird.
I
mean,
I
know
she's
gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Phoebe:
Maybe that's 'cause
she's not really gone.
Ross:
Nono, she's gone.
Monica:
We
checked. A lot.
Phoebe:
Hm,
I
mean
maybe
no-one
ever
really
goes. Ever since my
mom died, every now and then,
I get the
feeling that she's like right here, y'know?
(She
circles
her
hand
around
her
right
shoulder.
Chandler,
sitting
on
her
right,
draws
back
nervously)
Oh!
And
Debbie,
my
best
friend
from
junior high- got struck by lightning on
a miniature
golf course- I always get
this really strong Debbie
vibe
whenever
I
use
one
of
those
little
yellow
pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel:
Aw. Hey, Pheebs,
want this? (Gives her a
pencil)
Phoebe:
Thanks!
Rachel:
Sure. I just
sharpened her this morning.
Joey:
Now, see, I don't
believe any of that. I think
once
you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're
worm
food!
(realises
his
tactlessness)
...So
Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe:
Y'know, I dunno who
this is, but it's not
Debbie. (Hands
back the pencil)
contains a chest of
drawers)
Mrs. Geller:
Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross:
(sarcastic) I don't
see why not.
(He
tries
pushing
against
the
chest
of
drawers.
Then
he
opens one of the drawers and climbs
into the closet using
that; he falls
behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Ross:
Here's my retainer!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
is
talking
to
her
father.]
Mr. Geller:
I was just
thinking. When my time comes-
Monica:
Dad!
Mr. Geller:
Listen to
me! When my time comes, I wanna
be
buried at sea.
Monica:
You
what?
Mr. Geller:
I wanna be
buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica:
Define fun.
Mr. Geller:
C'mon, you'll
make a day of it! You'll rent a boat,
pack a lunch...
Monica:
...And then we throw
your body in the water...
Gee, that
does sound fun.
Mr. Geller:
Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says
'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe
after I'm gone, they'll
say 'Buried at
sea! Huh!'.
Monica:
That's
probably what they'll say.
Mr.
Geller:
I'd like that.
[Scene:
Chandler's
Office,
Shelley
is
drinking
coffee;
Chandler enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley:
(sheepish) Hey.
Look, I'm sorry about yesterday,
I, um-
Chandler:
No, nono, don't-
don't worry about it. Believe
me,
apparently other people have made the same
mistake.
Shelley:
Oh! Okay!
Phew!
Chandler:
So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Shelley:
I dunno, uh... you
just have a-a...
Chandler:
...Quality, right, great.
Shelley:
Y'know,
it's
a
shame,
because
you
and
Lowell
would've made a great
couple.
Chandler:
Lowell?
Financial
Services'
Lowell,
that's
who
you
saw me with?
Shelley:
What?
He's cute!
Chandler:
Well,
yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley:
Is Brian...?
Chandler:
No!
Uh,
I
d'know!
The
point
is,
if
you
were
gonna set me up with someone, I'd like
to think you'd set
me up with someone
like him.
Shelley:
Well, I
think Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler:
Excuse me? You
don't think I could get a Brian?
Because I could
get
a Brian. Believe you me.
...I'm really
not.
[Scene:
Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from
inside the closet.]
Ross:
(holding a dress out
from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt
Lillian: No.
Ross:
I have
shown you everything we have. Unless you
want
your
mother
to
spend
eternity
in
a
lemon
yellow
pant-suit, go with
the burgundy.
Aunt
Lillian:
You know, whatever
we pick, she would've
told us it's the
wrong one.
Mrs. Geller:
You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross:
Oh! A fine choice. I'm
coming out. (Starts to climb
over the
furniture)
Aunt Lillian:
Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back
inside)
Ross:
Okay. Um, how
about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs.
Geller:
That's really a day shoe.
Ross:
And where she's going
everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt
Lillian:
Could we see something in a
slimmer heel?
Ross:
(forages
around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening
shoe in the burgundy. I can show you
something in a silver
that may work.
Aunt Lillian:
No, it really
should be burgundy.
16 of 56 Pages
Ross:
Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller:
Is everything
all right, dear?
Ross:
Yeah,
just... just Nana stuff.
(He
reaches
up
higher
and
knocks
down
another
shoebox lid.
Sweet 'n' Lo
's rain down on
him)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and
Rachel
are
preparing to
leave for the funeral.]
Ross:
(entering) How we
doing, you guys ready?
Monica:
Mom already called
this morning to
remind
me
not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are
not my best feature?
Ross:
Some days it's all I
can think about.
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi, sorry
I'm late, I couldn't find
my bearings.
Rachel:
Oh, you-you mean
your earrings?
Phoebe:
What'd I say?
Rachel:
(sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica:
Are these the shoes?
Rachel:
Yes. Paolo sent them
from Italy.
Ross:
What, we-
uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
Joey:
(entering with
Chandler) Morning. We ready to
go?
Chandler:
Well,
don't
we
look
nice
all
dressed
up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene:
The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Monica:
It was a really
beautiful service.
Mrs.
Geller:
It
really
was.
Oh,
c'mere,
sweetheart.
(Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might be
time for you to
start using night
cream.
(Joey
listens
to
his
overcoat
for
a
second
and
sighs,
then
notices Chandler watching)
Joey:
What?
Chandler:
Nothing,
just
your
overcoat
sounds
remarkably like Brent
Mussberger.
Joey:
Check it
out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket
TV)
Chandler:
You're
watching
a
football
game
at
a
funeral?
Joey:
No, it's the pre-game.
I'm gonna watch it at the
reception.
Chandler:
You are a
frightening, frightening man.
(Rachel
steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel:
Oh no! My new Paolo
shoes!
Ross:
Oh, I hope
they're not ruined.
Phoebe:
God,
what
a
great
day.
...What?
Weather-wise!
Ross:
I know, uh, the air,
the-the trees... even though
Nana's
gone there's, there's
something
almost, uh-
I
dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking
where he is going
he falls into an open
grave)
All:
God! Ross!
Ross:
I'm
fine.
Just-just...
having
my
worst
fear
realised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers'
house. Ross is lying
on his back, with
Phoebe squatting over him, checking
to
see if he's injured.]
Phoebe:
Okay, don't worry,
I'm just checking to see if
the
muscle's in spasm...huh.
Ross:
What, what is it?
Phoebe:
You missed a belt
loop.
Ross:
Oh!
No-n-
Phoebe:
Okay, it's in
spasm.
Mrs. Geller:
Here,
sweetie, here. I took these when I
had
my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of
pills.
Then turns to Monica and pats
her hair over her ears)
(Cut to
Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for
the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea:
Sorry- Hi, I'm
Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler:
Hi, I'm Chandler,
and I have no idea who
Dorothy is.
Season 1
(They shake hands.
Cut to Ross emerging from a
hallway,
grinning
inanely.
He
is
obviously
very
stoned)
Phoebe:
Hey, look who's up!
How do you feel?
Ross:
I
feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica:
Wow, those pills
really worked, huh?
Ross:
Not
the
first
two,
but
the
second
two-
woooo!
...I
love
you
guys.
You
guys
are
the
greatest. I love
my sister
(Kisses Monica), I love
Pheebs... (Hugs
her)
Phoebe:
Ooh! That's so
nice...
Ross:
...Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, the
gang are looking at old photos.]
Rachel:
Hey, who's this
little naked guy?
Ross:
That
little naked guy would be me.
Rachel:
Aww, look at the
little thing.
Ross:
Yes,
yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups
now?
Chandler:
Who are those people?
Ross:
Got me.
Monica:
Oh, that's
Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads
the back) 'Me and the gang at Java
Joe's'.
Rachel:
Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother.
Monica:
No, I just talked to
them.
Ross:
(getting up,
upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters.
His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey:
Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler:
And this from the
cry-for-help department.
Are you
wearing makeup?
Joey:
Yes,
I
am.
As
of
today,
I
am
officially
Joey
Tribbiani, actor slash
model.
Chandler:
That's so
funny, 'cause I was thinking you
Chandler: Hey.
Ross:
(hugs him) And listen,
man, if you wanna be
gay, be gay.
Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea:
(turns to a friend)
You were right. (They
walk off and
leave Chandler.)
Ross:
Rachel.
Rachel
Rachel.
(Sits
down
beside
her)
I love you the most.
Rachel:
(humouring him) Oh, well you know who I
love the most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross:
Oh..
you
don't
get
it!
(Passes
out
and
slumps across her)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner.
He makes
an extravagant gesture of
disappointment.)
Mr. Geller:
Whaddya got there?
Joey:
(hides the TV, but he still has an earphone)
Just a, uh... hearing disability.
Mr. Geller:
What's the
score?
Joey:
Seventeen-
fourteen Giants... three minutes
to go
in the third.
Mr. Geller:
Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time
lapse.
A
large
crowd
of
men
are
now
watching the game)
Rachel:
(still trapped under
Ross) Pheebs, could
you maybe hand me a
cracker?
Mrs. Geller:
(to
Monica) Your grandmother would
have
hated this.
Monica:
Well,
sure, what with it being her funeral
and all.
Mrs.
Geller:
No, I'd be hearing about 'Why
didn't I
get the honey-glazed ham?', I
didn't spend enough
on
flowers,
and
if
I
spent
more
she'd
be
saying
'Why
are
you
wasting
your
money?
I
don't
need
flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica:
That sounds like
Nana.
Mrs. Geller:
Do you
know what it's like to grow up
with
someone who is critical of every single thing
you say?
Monica:
...I can imagine.
Mrs.
Geller:
I'm
telling
you,
it's
a
wonder
your
mother turned out to be the positive,
life-affirming
person that she is.
Monica:
That is a wonder. So
tell me something,
Mom. If you had to
do it all over again, I mean, if
she
was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller:
Tell her what?
Monica:
How
she
drove
you
crazy,
picking
on
every little detail, like your hair...
for example.
Mrs.
Geller:
I'm
not
sure
I
know
what
you're
getting at.
Monica:
Do
you
think
things
would
have
been
better if you'd just told her the
truth?
Mrs. Geller:
...No. I
think some things are better
left
unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get
along.
Monica:
Huh.
Mrs. Geller:
More wine,
dear?
Monica:
Oh, I think
so.
Mrs.
Geller:
(reaches out to fiddle with Monica's
hair again, and realises) Those
earrings look really
lovely on you.
Monica:
Thank you. They're
yours.
Mrs. Geller:
Actually
they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of
disappointment from the crowd of
men.)
Mr. Geller:
Now I'm
depressed! ...(To everyone)
Even more
than I was.
How old was she there?
Monica:
Let's see, 1939...
yeah, 24, 25?
Ross:
Looks
like a fun gang. (They all look at each other
and smile)
Joey:
Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross:
(looking) Nono, that
would be me again. I'm, uh, just
trying
something.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is
on a coffee break as
Lowell enters.]
Chandler:
Hey, Lowell.
Lowell:
Hey, Chandler.
Chandler:
So how's it going
there in Financial Services?
Lowell:
It's like Mardi Gras without the paper
mache heads.
How 'bout you?
Chandler:
Good, good.
Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley
told
you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell:
I know. That's what
I told her.
Chandler: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Chandler:
So- you can tell?
Lowell:
Pretty much, most of
the time. We have a kind of...
radar.
Chandler:
So you don't think
I have a, a quality?
Lowell:
Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the
way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he
is.
Chandler: He is?
Lowell:
Yup, and waaay out
of your league. (Exits)
Chandler:
Out of my league.
I could get a Brian. (Brian
enters
behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could
get a
Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
End
109 The One
Where Underdog Gets Away
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Rachel
is
confronting
her
boss,
Terry.]
Rachel:
Terry, I, I, I know
that I haven't worked here very
long,
but I was wondering, do you think it would be
possible
if I got a $$100 advance in my
salary?
Terry:
An advance?
Rachel:
It's
so
that
I
can
spend
Thanksgiving
with
my
family. See, every year
we go skiing in Vail, and normally
my
father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started
the whole
independence thing, you know,
which is actually why I took
this job.
Terry:
Rachel,
Rachel,
sweetheart.
You're
a
terrible,
terrible waitress.
Really, really awful.
Rachel:
Ok, I, I hear what
you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um,
but I,
but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing
better.
I really do. Does
anybody
need coffee?
(everyone in
the
place
raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
Rachel:
Excuse me, sir. Hi,
you come in here all time. I was
just
wondering, do you think there's a possibility that
you
could give me an advance on my
tips?
Guy:
Huh?
Rachel:
Ok, ok, that's fine.
Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that
spill
before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $$98.50
to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica:
Hey. Ross, did you
know Mom and Dad are going
to Puerto
Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross:
No, they're not.
Monica:
Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross:
You're wrong.
Monica:
I am not wrong.
Ross:
You're wrong.
17 of 56 Pages
look more
like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe:
What were you
modeling for?
Joey:
You know
those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica:
Oh, wow, so you're
gonna be one of those
Phoebe:
You know,
the asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler:
Do you know which
one you're gonna be?
Joey:
No,
but
I
hear
lyme
disease
is
open,
so...
(crosses fingers)
Chandler:
Good luck, man. I
hope you get it.
Joey:
Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross:
(to Monica) Well, you
were right. How can they
do this to us,
huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica:
Ok, I'll tell you
what. How about I cook dinner
at my
place? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Ross:
Will
you
make
the
mashed
potatoes
with
the
lumps?
Monica:
You know, they're
not actually supposed to
have... (Ross
looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the
lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
Joey:
Yeah.
Monica:
And
I
assume,
Chandler,
you
are
still
boycotting all the
pilgrim holidays.
Chandler:
Yes, every single one of them.
Monica:
Phoebe, you're gonna
be with your grandma?
Phoebe:
Yes, and her
boyfriend. But we're celebrating
Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is
lunar.
Monica:
So you're
free Thursday, then.
Phoebe:
Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica:
Yeah.
Rach,
are
you
thinking
you're
gonna
make it to Vail?
Rachel:
Absolutely.
Shoop,
shoop,
shoop.
Only
a
hundred
and two dollars to go.
Chandler:
I thought it was
$$98.50.
Rachel:
Yeah, well
it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross:
Well, I'm off to
Carol's.
Phoebe:
Ooh, ooh!
Why don't we invite her?
Ross:
(mimicking) Ooh, ooh.
Because she's my ex-wife,
and will
probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian
life partner.
[Scene: Carol
and Susan's apartment, Susan is there.
Ross enters.]
Ross:
Hi, is uh, is Carol
here?
Susan:
No, she's at a
faculty meeting.
Ross:
Oh, I
uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well,
not mine,
but...
Susan:
Come in.
Ross:
Thanks. Yeah, Carol
borrowed it for a class, and
I have to
get it back to the museum.
Susan:
What's it look like?
Ross:
Kinda like a big face
without skin.
Susan:
Yes,
I'm familiar with the concept. We can just
look for it.
Ross:
Ok. (browsing the
apartment) Wow, you guys
sure have a
lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan:
Well,
you
know,
you
have
to
take
a
course.
Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Ross:
(picking
up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A
classic.
Susan:
Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross:
The
uh,
the
baby
that
hasn't
been
born
yet?
Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?
Susan:
What, you don't think
they can hear sounds in
there?
Ross:
You're
not
serious,
I
mean,
you
really...
you
really talk to it?
Season 1
Susan:
Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know
my voice.
Ross:
Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan:
Yeah, yeah, all the
time.
Ross:
Really?
Susan:
But um, we just refer
to you as Bobo the
Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone
is there but
Rachel.]
Ross:
Look, if she's talking
to it, I just think that I
Joey:
Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey
turns
around
and
sees
his
face
on
a
poster
in
the
subway. The poster says:
What Mario isn't telling you...V.D.,
you never know who might have it. A
variety of scenes are
shown with the
poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters,
amongst snickers from
the gang.]
Joey:
So I guess you all saw
it.
Rachel:
Saw what?
Phoebe:
No,
we
were
just
laughing.
You
know,
how
Phoebe:
Almost never.
Monica:
Got the keys?
or
Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves
the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and
Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to
her belly.]
Carol:
Anytime you're ready.
Ross:
Ok, ok, here we go.
(he crouches down near her
stomach) Ok,
where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh,
well,
there
is
one
way
that
seems
to
offer
a
certain
should
get some belly time too. Not that I believe
any of this.
Phoebe:
Oh,
I
believe
it.
I
think
the
baby
can
totally
hear everything. I can show you. Look, this
will
seem
a
little
weird,
but
you
put
your
head
inside this turkey, and
then we'll all talk, and you'll
hear
everything we say.
Chandler:
I'd
just
like
to
say
that
I'm
totally
behind this experiment. In fact, I'd
very much like
to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica:
Hey, Rach, did you
make your money?
Rachel:
No,
not
even
close.
Forget
Vail,
forget
seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop,
shoop.
Monica:
Rach, here's
your mail.
Rachel:
Thanks,
you can just put it on the table.
Monica:
(insistently) No,
here's your mail.
Rachel:
Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica:
(gives her an
envelope) Would you just
open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money
she needed.)
Rachel:
Oh my
god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica:
We all chipped in.
Joey:
(to Monica) We did?
Monica:
(to Joey) You owe me
20 bucks.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Thank you so much!
Monica:
(hands Chandler a bag)
Chandler, here
you
go,
got
your
traditional
Thanksgiving
feast,
you
got
your
tomato
soup,
your
grilled
cheese
fixin's, and your family size bag of
Funyuns.
Rachel:
Wait, wait,
Chandler, this is what you're
havin'
for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what
is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler:
All right, I'm
nine years old.
Ross:
Oh, I
hate this story.
Chandler:
We
just
finished
this
magnificent
Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I
remember this
part vividly--a mouthful
of pumpkin pie, and this is
the moment
my parents choose to tell me they're
getting divorced.
Rachel:
Oh my god.
Chandler:
Yes. It's very
difficult to
appreciate a
Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it
in reverse.
[Scene:
The
subway,
Joey
spots
a
gorgeous
woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey:
Uh, hi. We uh, we used
to work together.
Girl:
We
did?
Joey:
Yeah, at Macy's.
You were the Obsession girl,
right?
I
was
the
Aramis
guy.
(pretends
to
spray
cologne) Aramis?
Aramis?
Girl:
Yeah, right.
Joey:
I
gotta
tell
you.
You're
the
best
in
the
business.
Girl:
Get out.
Joey:
I'm
serious.
You're
amazing.
You
know
when to
spritz, when to lay back.
Girl:
Really? You don't know
what that means to
me.
Joey:
Ooh, you smell great
tonight. What're you
wearing?
Girl:
(provocatively)
Nothing.
Joey:
Listen,
uh,
you
wanna
go
get
a
drink
or
something?
Girl:
Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind
Joey) Oh.
Joey:
What's wrong?
Girl:
I just
remembered, I have to do something.
Joey:
Oh. What?
Girl:
Um, leave.
laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey
enters, upset.]
Joey:
Set
another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family
thinks I have VD.
Chandler:
Tonight, on a very
special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Monica
is
cooking
Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is
standing in the doorway,
not wanting to
participate in the festivities.]
Monica:
Mmm, looking good.
Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's
turking,
yams
are
yamming.
(notices
Ross
is
depressed)
What?
Ross:
I don't know. It's
just not the same without Mom in
the
kitchen.
Monica:
All right,
that's it. You know what? Just get out of
my way and stop moping.
Ross:
That's closer.
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel:
I got the tickets! I
got the tickets! Five hours from
now,
shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler:
Oh, you must stop
shooping.
Rachel:
Ok, I'm
gonna get my stuff.
Joey:
Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler:
No, I prefer to
keep a safe distance from all this
merriment.
(Phoebe takes a
slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of
Chandler's face.)
Phoebe:
Look out, incoming
pumpkin pie!
Chandler:
Ok,
we
all
laughed
when
you
did
it
with
the
stuffing, but that's not
funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey:
Hey, Monica, I got a
question. I don't see any tater
tots.
Monica:
That's not a
question.
Joey:
But my mom
always makes them. It's like a tradition.
You get a little piece of turkey on
your fork, a little cranberry
sauce,
and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my
family
because of my disease.
Monica:
All
right,
fine.
Tonight's
potatoes
will
be
both
mashed with lumps, and in the form of
tots.
Ross:
Ok, I'm off to
talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps
his hand away.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross:
Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe:
(stirring pot) Ok,
all done.
Monica:
What,
Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross
needs lumps!
Phoebe:
Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I
just, I thought we could have
them
whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Monica:
Why would we do
that?
Phoebe:
Well, 'cause
then they'd be like my mom used to
make
them, you know, before she died.
Monica:
Ok, three kinds of
potatoes coming up.
Rachel:
Ok,
good-bye
you
guys.
Thanks
for
everything.
(she starts to
leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh,
sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler
enters, running.)
Chandler:
The
most
unbelievable
thing
has
happened.
Underdog has just gotten away.
Joey:
The balloon?
Chandler:
No, no, the actual
cartoon character. Of course
the
balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he
reached
Macy's
,
he
broke
free
and
was
spotted
flying
over
Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to
the roof, who's with
me?
Rachel:
I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler:
Come
on.
An
80-foot
inflatable
dog
let
loose
over
the city. How often does that happen?
18 of 56 Pages
acoustical
advantage, but...
Carol:
Just aim for the bump.
Ross:
Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know,
can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I
feel stupid.
Carol:
So don't
do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it
just because Susan does it.
Ross:
(quickly talking)
Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back
from the roof.]
Rachel:
I loved the moment
when you first saw the
giant dog shadow
all over the park.
Phoebe:
Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I
mean, that was just mean.
Monica:
Ok,
right
about
now
the
turkey
should
be
crispy on the outside,
juicy on the inside. Why are we
standing here?
Rachel:
We're waiting for
you to open the door. You
got the keys.
Monica:
No I don't.
Rachel:
Yes, you do. When we
left, you said,
keys.
Monica:
No I
didn't. I asked,
Rachel:
No,
no, no, you said,
Chandler:
Do either of you
have
the
keys?
Monica:
(panicked) The
oven is on.
Rachel:
Oh, I
gotta get my ticket!
Joey:
Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica:
Well then get it,
get it!
Joey:
That tone will
not make me go any faster.
Monica:
(angry) Joey!
Joey:
That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the
copy of the key.)
[Scene:
Carol
and
Susan's,
Carol
is
reading,
Ross
is
talking to her stomach.]
Ross:
And
everyone's
telling
me,
you
gotta
pick
a
major, you
gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked
paleontology. And you have no idea what
I'm saying,
because, let's face it,
you're a fetus. You're just happy
you
don't have gills anymore.
Carol:
Look, you don't have
to talk to it. You can sing
to it if
you want.
Ross:
Oh, please.
I am not singing to your stomach,
ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan:
Hi, how's it goin?
Ross:
Shh! (singing) Here we
come, walkin' down the
street, get the
funniest looks from, everyone we meet.
Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you
just feel that?
Carol:
I
did.
Ross:
Does it always,
uh--?
Carol:
No, no that was
the first.
Susan:
Keep
singing! Keep singing!
Ross:
(singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't
wait to meet you. When you come out
I'll buy you a
bagel, and then we'll go
to the zoo.
Susan:
I felt
it!
Ross:
(singin) Hey, hey,
I'm your daddy. I'm the one
without any
breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has
a tray full of keys, and is
trying each
one in the lock.]
Joey:
Nope, not that one.
Monica:
Can you go any faster with that?
Joey:
Hey, I got one keyhole
and about a zillion keys.
You do the
math.
Monica:
Why do you
guys have so many keys in there
anyway?
Chandler:
(sarcastic) For an
emergency just like this.
Rachel:
(grabs Chandler by
the shirt) All right, listen,
Season 1
smirky. If it wasn't for you and your
stupid balloon,
I would be on a plane
watching a woman do this
(makes
a
gesture
like
a
stewardess
pointing
out
exits) right now. But I'm not.
Chandler:
I'd like to
propose a toast. Little toast here, ding
ding. I know this isn't the kind of
Thanksgiving that all of
you all
planned, but for me, this has been really great,
you
know, I think because it didn't
involve divorce or projectile
Chandler:
Y'know,
I
was
hoping
for
a
little
more
enthusiasm.
All:
Woooo! Yeah!
Monica:
I swear you said you
had the keys.
Rachel:
No, I
didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys
unless I had the keys, and I obviously
didn't have
the keys.
Phoebe:
Ooh, ok, that's it.
Enough with the keys.
No one say keys.
(Short pause.)
Monica:
Why would I have the
keys?
Rachel:
Aside from the
fact that you said you had
them?
Monica:
But I didn't.
Rachel:
Well, you should
have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel:
Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel:
Because!
Monica:
Why?
Because
everything
is
my
responsibility?
Isn't
it
enough
that
I'm
making
Thanksgiving
dinner
for
everyone?
You
know,
everyone wants a
different kind of potatoes, so I'm
making different kinds of potatoes.
Does anybody
care what kind of potatoes
I want? Nooooo, no, no!
(starting to
cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her
peas and onions, and Mario gets his
tots, and it's
my first Thanksgiving,
and it's all burned, and, and
I... I...
Chandler:
Ok,
Monica,
only
dogs
can
hear
you
now, so, look, the door's open. Here we
go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the
apartment.)
Monica:
Well,
the turkey's burnt. (checking pots)
Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are
ruined, potatoes
are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross:
Here
we
come,
walkin'
down
the
—
this
doesn't smell like Mom's.
Monica:
No, it doesn't, does
it? But you wanted
lumps,
Ross?
(picks
up
the
pan
of
badly
burnt
potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya
got one.
Rachel:
Oh, god,
this is great! The plane is gone,
so it
looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey:
Hey,
we
all
had
better
plans.
This
was
nobody's
first choice.
Monica:
Oh,
really? So why was I busting my ass
to
make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey:
You call that
delicious?
(all shouting)
Monica:
Stop it, stop it,
stop it!
Chandler:
Now this
feels like Thanksgiving.
[Time
lapse.
Everyone
is
upset
with
each
other.
Phoebe is at the window.]
Phoebe: Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe:
Ugly Naked Guy's
taking his turkey out of
the oven. Oh
my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked
Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with
Ugly Naked
Gal.
(They all
run to the window.)
Joey:
I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica:
Ooh, Ugly Naked
Dancing!
Phoebe:
It's nice
that he has someone.
[Time lapse. The
gang is around the table, eating
grilled cheese sandwiches.]
Chandler:
Shall I carve?
Rachel:
By all means.
Chandler:
Ok, who wants
light cheese, and who
wants dark
cheese?
Ross:
I
don't
even
wanna
know
about
the
dark
cheese.
Monica:
(holding sandwich)
Does anybody wanna
split this with me?
Joey:
Oh, I will.
Phoebe:
Ooh, you guys have
to make a wish.
Monica:
Make
a wish?
Phoebe:
Come on, you
know, Thanksgiving. Ooh,
you got the
bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey:
The bigger half.
vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking,
I mean, if you'd gone
to Vail, and if
you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't
have
syphilis
and
stuff,
we
wouldn't
be
all
together,
you
know? So I guess what I'm trying to say
is that I'm very
thankful that all of
your Thanksgivings sucked.
All:
That's so sweet.
Ross:
And hey, here's to a
lousy Christmas.
Rachel:
And
a crappy New Year.
Chandler:
Here, here!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his
poster and he peels off
the
caption
on
his
poster,
revealing
more
posters
underneath. The captions read, as
follows:
Bladder Control
Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3
Tony Awards...
He's finally
happy with that and walks away.]
End
110 The One
With the Monkey
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross:
Guys? There's a
somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All:
Oooh!
Monica:
W-wait. What is
that?
Ross:
'That' would be
Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica:
No, no, I don't.
Rachel:
Oh, he is precious!
Where did you get him?
Ross:
My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe:
That is so cruel!
Why? Why would a parent name
their
child Bethel?
Chandler:
Hey,
that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
Monica:
Ross,
is
he
gonna
live
with
you,
like,
in
your
apartment?
Ross:
Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol
left,
so...
Monica:
Why don't you just
get a roommate?
Ross:
Nah,
I
dunno...
I
think
you
reach
a
certain
age,
having
a
roommate
is
kinda
pathe-
(Realises)
....sorry,
that's, that's
'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way
to
live'.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting
ready to sing. Joey
is not there.]
Phoebe:
So you guys, I'm
doing all new material tonight. I
have
twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and
one
about a snowman.
Chandler:
Might wanna open
with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All:
Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica:
So, how'd it go?
Joey:
Ahhhhhh, I didn't get
the job.
Ross:
How could you
not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey:
I
dunno.
Some
fat
guy's
sleeping
with
the
store
manager. He's not even jolly, it's all
political.
Monica:
So what
are you gonna be?
Joey:
Ah,
I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a
slap in the face, y'know?
Rachel:
Hey, do you guys
know what you're doing for New
Year's?
(They
all protest
and hit
her
with cushions) Gee,
what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler:
Nothing for you,
you have Paolo. You don't have
to
face
the
horrible
pressures
of
this
holiday:
desperate
scramble
to
find
anything
with
lips
just
so
you
can
have
someone
to
kiss
when
the
ball
drops!!
Man,
I'm
talking
loud!
Rachel:
Well, for your
information, Paolo is gonna be in
Rome
this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the
rest of
you.
Phoebe:
Yeah, you wish!
Chandler:
It's just that I'm
sick of being a victim of this
Dick
Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make
a pact.
Just the six of us- dinner.
All:
Yeah, okay. Alright.
19 of 56 Pages
Rachel:
Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe:
Oh, oh, good.
Rachel:
(Into
microphone)
Okay,
hi.
Ladies
and
gentlemen,
back
by
popular
demand,
Miss
Phoebe
Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe:
(Takes mike) Thanks,
hi. Um, I wanna start
with a song that
means a lot to me this time of year.
(Shakes bell as an introduction)
(Sung:)
I made a man with
eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la
lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone
is totally depressed by now.)
Phoebe:
(Sung)
...My mother's ashes
Even
her eyelashes
Are resting in a little
yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's
breezy...
(Over
the
sound
of
Phoebe
singing
we
hear
two
scientists, Max and
David, having a noisy discussion)
Phoebe:
(Sung)
...I feel a little sneezy
And now I- (abruptly stops)
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys!
(They stop
talking and look up) Is it
something that you would like
to share
with the entire group?
Max:
No. No, that's- that's okay.
Phoebe:
Well,
c'mon,
if
it's
important
enough
to
discuss while I'm
playing, then I assume it's important
enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler:
(Quietly,
to
the
others)
That
guy's
going
home
with a note!
David:
Noth- I
was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe:
Could you speak up
please?
David:
(Stands up
and speaks more loudly) Sorry,
I
wa- I was just saying to
my friend that I thought you
were the
most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in
my-
in
my
life.
And
then
he
said
that-
you
said
you
thought
Max:
Daryl Hannah.
David:
Daryl
Hannah was the most beautiful woman
that he'd ever seen in his life and I
said yeah, I liked her
in Splash, a
lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I
thought she had kind of a
Max:
Hard quality.
David:
-hard quality. And
uh, while Daryl Hannah is
beautiful in
a conventional way, you are luminous with
a
kind
of
a
delicate
grace.
Then,
uh,
that-
that-that's
when you started yelling.
(Sits down)
Phoebe:
Okay,
we're gonna take a short break. (Goes
over to their table)
Joey:
Hey, that guy's going
home with
more than a
note!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone
except Joey is
decorating for
Christmas.]
Ross:
Come here,
Marcel. Sit
here. (Marcel wanders
off)
Rachel:
Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you
yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with
Paolo, I mean
he had already named both
my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I
just share
too much?
Ross:
Just a
smidge.
Phoebe:
David's
like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very
methodical.
Monica:
I think it's
romantic.
Phoebe:
Me too!
Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and
a
Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe:
Well, he's kinda
like the guy I went to see that
with.
Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and
sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with
him all the time.
Day
and
night,
and
night
and
day...
and
special
occasions...
Chandler:
Wait a
minute, wait a minute, I see where
this
is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's,
aren't
you. You're gonna break the
pact. She's gonna break
the pact.
Phoebe:
No, no, no, no, no,
no. Yeah, could I just?
Chandler:
Yeah, 'cause I
already asked Janice.
Season 1
Monica:
What?!
Ross:
C'mon, this was a
pact! This was your pact!
Monica: Yeah.
Joey:
You know more than one
Fun Bobby?
David:
-make the
decision-
Phoebe:
Okay, um,
stay.
Chandler:
I snapped,
okay? I couldn't handle the
pressure
and I snapped.
Monica:
Yeah,
but Janice? That-that was like the
worst breakup in history!
Chandler:
I'm not saying it
was a good idea, I'm
saying I snapped!
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on,
which jingle
as he walks. He is wearing
a long coat.]
Joey:
Hi. Hi,
sorry I'm late.
(He removes the coat to
reveal an elf costume)
Chandler:
Too many jokes...
must mock Joey!
Joey:
Nice shoes, huh? (He
wiggles his foot and
the bells tinkle)
Chandler:
Aah, y'killing me!
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
Monica:
Ross!
He's
playing
with
my
spatulas
again!
Ross:
Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica:
Do you always have
to bring him here?
Ross:
I
didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We-
we had our first fight this morning. I
think it has to
do with my working
late. I said some things that I
didn't
mean, and he- he threw some faeces...
Chandler:
Y'know,
if
you're
gonna
work
late,
I
could look in on him for you.
Ross:
Oh,
that'd
be
great!
Okay,
but
if
you
do,
make sure
it seems like you're there to see him,
okay, and you're not like doing it as a
favour to me.
Chandler:
Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to
lie.
[Scene: Max and David's
lab, David
is
explaining
something to
Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]
David:
...But, you can't
actually test this theory,
because
today's particle accelerators are nowhere
near powerful enough to simulate these
conditions.
Phoebe:
Okay,
alright, I have a question, then.
David: Yuh.
Phoebe:
Um,
were
you
planning
on
kissing
me
ever?
David:
Uh,
that's definitely a, uh, valid question.
And, uh, the answer would be (Writes
YES on the
board) yes. Yes I was. But,
see, I wanted it to be
this
phenomenal
kiss
that
happened
at
this
phenomenal
moment,
because,
well,
'cause
it's
you.
Phoebe: Sure.
David:
Right.
But,
see,
the
longer
I
waited,
the
more
phenomenal
the
kiss
had
to
be,
and
now
we've reached a place where it's just
gotta be one
of
those
things
where
I
just
like...
sweep
everything off the
table and throw you down on it.
And,
uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe:
Oh, David, I, I
think you are a sweeping
sorta
fella.
I
mean,
you're
a
sweeper!
...trapped
inside a physicist's body.
David:
Rrrreally.
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah, oh, I'm
sure of it. You should
just do it, just
sweep and throw me.
David:
...Now? Now?
Phoebe:
Oh yeah, right now.
David:
Okay, okay, okay.
(Gets ready to sweep,
and then picks up
a laptop computer) Y'know what,
this
was
just
really
expensive.
(Puts
it
down
elsewhere.
Then
picks
up
a
microscope)
And
I'll
take- this was a gift.
(Moves it)
Phoebe:
Okay, now
you're just kinda tidying.
David:
Okay, what the hell,
what the hell. (Sweeps
the
remaining
papers
off
the
desk
and
grabs
Phoebe)
You
want
me
to
actually
throw
you
or
you-you
wanna just hop?
Phoebe:
I
can hop. (She hops onto the table)
(They kiss, finally)
[Scene:
Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross:
So tell me something.
What does the phrase
'no date pact'
mean to you?
Monica:
I'm
sorry,
okay.
It's
just
that
Chandler
has
somebody,
and
Phoebe
has
somebody-
I
thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler:
Fun
Bobby?
Your
ex-
boyfriend
Fun
Bobby?
Chandler:
I happen to know a
Fun Bob.
David:
Stay.
Rachel:
(Brings Joey a mug
of coffee) Okay, here we go...
Phoebe:
Stay.
Joey:
Ooh ooh ooh ooh,
there's no room for milk!
(He thinks
for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the
Rachel:
(Glances at Joey and
then sips his coffee) There.
table)
Now there is.
Phoebe:
Getting so good at
that! (She hops on)
Ross:
Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now
David:
It was Max's stuff.
(They kiss)
have dates.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party
has started.]
Joey:
Uh,
four.
Janice:
I love this
artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me
Ross:
Four.
what's
in
it,
the
diet
starts
tomorrow!
(Laughs
her
Rachel: Five.
Janice laugh)
Ross:
Five. (Buries his head
in his hands)
Chandler:
You
remember Janice.
Rachel:
Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
Monica:
Vividly.
Joey:
Yeah, and I met this
really hot single mom at the
(Someone knocks on the door; Monica
gets it)
store. What's an elf to do?
Monica: Hi.
Ross:
Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there
Sandy:
Hi, I'm Sandy.
alone when the ball drops?
Joey:
Sandy! Hi! C'mon in!
(She enters, followed by a
Rachel:
Oh, c'mon. We'll
have, we'll have a big party, and
young
boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.
no-one'll know who's with who.
Sandy:
Yeah. That's okay,
right?
Ross:
Hey, y'know,
this is so not what I needed right now.
(Joey and Monica look at each other and
shrug. Ross
Monica:
What's
the matter?
enters with Marcel on his
shoulder)
Ross:
Oh,
it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out,
y'know?
Ross:
Par-tay!
He's walking around all the
time dragging his hands...
Monica:
That thing is not
coming in here.
Chandler:
That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the
other night.
Ross:
'That thing'? This is
how you greet guests at a
party? Let me
ask you something, if I showed up here
Ross:
Really.
with
my
new
girlfriend,
she
wouldn't
be
welcome
in
Chandler:
Yeah, we played,
we watched TV.. that juggling
your
home?
thing is amazing.
Monica:
I'm
guessing
your
new
girlfriend
wouldn't
Ross:
What, uh... what
juggling thing?
urinate on my coffee
table.
Chandler:
With the
balled-up socks? I figured you taught
Ross:
Okay.
He
was
more
embarrassed
about
that
him that.
than anyone. Okay? And for him to have
the courage to
Ross: No.
walk back in here like nothing
happened...
Chandler:
Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled
Monica:
Alright. Just keep
him away from me.
up socks... and a
melon...
Ross:
Thank
you.
(She
walks
off)
C'mon,
Marcel,
(Max runs in)
whaddya
say
you
and
I
do
a
little
mingling?
(Marcel
runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up
with you later.
Max:
Phoebe.
Hi.
(The door opens. Rachel
is standing there. Her coat is
Phoebe:
Oh, hi Max! Hey, do
you know everybody?
muddy and torn, her
hair is dishevelled and her face is
Max:
No. Have you seen
David?
bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Phoebe:
No, no, he hasn't
been around.
Monica:
Oh my
gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay?
Where-where's Paolo?
Max:
Well, if you see him,
tell him to pack his bags. We are
going
to Minsk.
Rachel:
Rome. Jerk
missed his flight.
Phoebe:
Minsk?
Phoebe:
And then...
your face is bloated?
Max:
Minsk. It's in Russia.
Rachel:
No. Okay. I was at
the airport, getting into a
cab,
when
this
woman-
this
blonde
planet
with
a
Phoebe:
I know where Minsk
is.
pocketbook- starts yelling at me.
Something about how
Max:
We
got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
it was her cab first. And then the next
thing I know she
Phoebe:
So
when, when do you leave?
just
starts-
starts
pulling
me
out
by
my
hair!
So
I'm
blowing my
attack whistle thingy and three more cabs
Max:
January first.
show up, and as I'm going to get into a
cab she tackles
Commercial Break
me. And I hit my head on the kerb and
cut my lip on my
[Scene:
Max
and
David's
lab,
they
are
working.
Phoebe
whistle...oh...everybody having fun at
the party? (To
knocks on the door]
Monica) Are people eating my dip?
Phoebe:
Hello?
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed
up somewhat,
emerge from a bedroom]
David: Hey!
Sandy:
Y'know, when I saw
you at the store last week,
Phoebe: Hi.
it was probably the first time I ever
mentally undressed
David:
Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?
an elf.
Phoebe:
Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a
Joey:
Wow, that's, uh,
dirty.
fake cheery voice)
congratulations! This is so exciting!
Sandy:
Yeah.
Max:
It'd be even more
exciting if we were going.
(They almost
kiss and then Joey realises her kids are
Phoebe:
Oh, you're not
going? (Fake disappointed voice)
staring at them)
Oh, why?
Joey:
Hey, kids...
Max:
Tell her, David. 'I
don't wanna go to Minsk and work
Ross:
(Watching Marcel play
with Phoebe. To Chandler)
with
Lifson
and
Yamaguchi
and
Flench,
on
Look
at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole
nonononononono. I wanna stay here and
make out with my
evening with me, but
at least check in.
girlfriend!!'
(Storms out)
Janice:
(Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got
David:
Thank you, Max. Thank
you.
away from me!
Phoebe:
So-so you're really
not going?
Chandler:
(Imitating) But you found me!
David:
I don't know. I don't
know what
I'm gonna do. I
Janice:
Here,
Ross,
take
our
picture.
(Hands
him
a
just- you
decide.
camera and he starts snapping)
Smile! You're on Janice
Phoebe:
Oh don't do that.
Camera!
David:
Please.
Chandler:
Kill me.
Kill me now.
Phoebe:
Oh no no.
(Someone
else
knocks
on
the
door.
Monica
looks
through the spyhole)
David:
No, but I'm asking-
Monica:
Hey everybody! It's
Fun Bobby!
Phoebe:
Oh, but I
can't do that-
(Everyone
cheers.
Monica
opens
the
door.
Bobby
is
David:
No, but I can't-
obviously very depressed)
Phoebe:
It's your thing,
and-
Fun
Bobby:
Hey,
sorry
I'm
late.
But
my,
uh,
20 of 56 Pages
Season 1
grandfather,
he-
died
about
two
hours
ago.
But
I-I-I couldn't get a
flight out 'til tomorrow, so here
I am!
Joey:
(Approaching) Hey Fun
Bobby! Whoah! Who
died?
(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun
Bobby's back)
[Time lapse.
Bobby is talking about his grandfather.
Phoebe:
Everybody looks so
happy. I hate that.
Monica:
Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
(Bobby waves and then bursts into
tears. Midnight comes
and everyone at
the party except for the gang cheers and
kisses)
Chandler:
Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out
here. I'm no math whiz, but I do
believe there are three girls
understand'
but
really
wondering
what
you
look
like
naked.
Monica:
I wish all guys
could be like him.
Phoebe:
I
know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
Monica and Phoebe are
telling everyone
about their coma guy.]
Chandler:
Are there no
conscious men in the city for
Everyone
else is virtually in tears]
Fun
Bobby:
It's gonna be an open casket,
y'know,
so at least I'll- I get to see
him again.
Janice:
(Ross is
still
taking their photo)
Oh, I'm
gonna
blow
this
one
up,
and
I'm
gonna
write
'Reunited' in glitter.
Chandler:
Alright,
Janice,
that's
it!
Janice...
Janice...
Hey,
Janice,
when
I
invited
you
to
this
party I
didn't necessarily think that it meant that
we-
Janice:
Oh,
no. Oh, no.
Chandler:
I'm
sorry you misunderstood...
Janice:
Oh my God. You
listen to me, Chandler,
you listen to
me. One of these times is just gonna
be
your last chance with me. (She runs off)
(Ross is still taking photos)
Chandler:
Oh,
will
you
give
me
the
thing.
(Snatches the camera)
(David
is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
Phoebe:
Hi, Max!
Max:
Yoko. (To David) I've
decided to go to Minsk
without you.
David: Wow.
Max:
It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk.
Happy New Year.(Walks off)
Phoebe:
Are you alright?
David:
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm
fine.
(Phoebe leads David
into a bedroom)
Phoebe:
You're going to Minsk.
David:
No, I'm... not going
to Minsk.
Phoebe:
Oh,
you
are
so
going
to
Minsk.
You
belong
in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of
me.
David:
Yes I
can. Because if I go it means I have to
break up with you, and I can't break up
with you.
Phoebe:
Oh yes,
yes, yes you can. Just say, um,
'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's
what I have
to do right now'. And I say
'your work?! Your work?!
How can you
say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's
tearing me apart, but I have no choice.
Can't you
understand that?'. And I say
(Hits him) 'no! No! I
can't understand
that!'.
David:
Uh, ow.
Phoebe:
Ooh, sorry. Um, and,
and then you put
your arms around me.
And then you put your arms
around me.
(He does so) And, um, and then you
tell
me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
David:
I'll never forget
you.
Phoebe:
And
then
you
say
that
it's
almost
midnight
and
you
have
to
go
because
you
don't
wanna start the new year with me if you
can't finish
it.
(They
kiss)
I'm
gonna
miss
you.
You
scientist
guy.
Dick
Clark:
(on
TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in
Times
Square.
We're
in
a
virtual
snowstorm
of
confetti here in Times
Square...
(Joey puts a blanket over
Sandy's kids)
Joey:
There
y'go, kids.
Chandler:
(To a
woman who he has clearly just
met) And
then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please
kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
Joey:
You seen Sandy?
Chandler:
Ooh. Uh, I don't
know how to tell you
this, but she's in
Monica's bedroom, getting it on
with
Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I
did know how to tell you.
Rachel:
Vrrbddy, the bll is
drrbing.
All:
(in the
kitchen) What?
Rachel:
The
bll is drrbing!
Dick
Clark:
(on
TV)
In
twenty
seconds
it'll
be
midnight...
Chandler:
And the moment of
joy is upon us.
Joey:
Looks
like that
no date pact thing
worked
out.
and three guys
right here. (Makes kiss noise)
Phoebe:
I dunno. I don't
feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Rachel:
I can't kiss anyone.
Monica:
So I'm kissing
everyone?
Joey:
Nonono, you
can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
Ross:
Perfect. Perfect. So
now everybody's getting kissed
but me.
Chandler:
Alright, somebody
kiss me. Somebody kiss me,
it's
midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Joey:
Alrightalrightalright.
(Kisses him. Ross takes a photo)
There.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]
Ross:
(Watching Marcel and
talking to Rachel) I wanted
this to
work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing
his
diapers, pickin' his fleas... but
he's just phoning it in. Just so
hard
to accept the fact that something you love so much
doesn't love you back.
Rachel:
...I think that
bitch cracked my tooth.
End
111 The One With Mrs. Bing
[Scene:
A
Street:
Monica
and
Phoebe
are
walking
to
a
newsstand.]
Phoebe:
Do you think they
have yesterday's daily news?
Monica:
Why?
Phoebe:
Just
wanna
check
my
horoscope,
see
if
it
was
right.
Monica:
Oh my God. (Grabs
Phoebe and turns her away)
Phoebe.
Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has
the potential to break our hearts and
plunge us into a pit of
depression.
Phoebe:
Where?
(Turns
to
face
him)
Ooh,
come
to
Momma.
Monica:
He's coming. Be
cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks
past them)
Guy:
Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe:
(in
unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe:
We should do
something. Whistle.
Monica:
We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe:
Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe:
Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe:
Do it do it do it!
Monica:
(Shouts to the guy)
Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round,
startled. Monica points to Phoebe.
The
guy gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe:
I can't believe you
did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma
and Mon and Pheebs
are visiting.]
Monica:
Why did I 'woo-hoo'?
I mean, what was I hoping
would happen?
That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love
that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe:
I
just
wish
there
was
something
we
could
do.
(Bends
down
and
talks
to
him)
Hello.
Hello,
Coma
Guy.
GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica:
Phoebe, what are you
doing?
Phoebe:
Maybe
nobody's tried this.
Monica:
I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that
face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks
smart. I bet he's a
lawyer.
Phoebe:
Yeah, but did you
see the dents in his knuckles?
That
means he's artistic.
Monica:
Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the
side. And- he can dance!
Phoebe:
Oh!
And,
he's the kinda guy who, when you're
talking,
he's
listening,
y'know,
and
not
saying
'Yeah,
I
21 of 56
Pages
you two?
Monica:
He doesn't have
anyone.
Phoebe:
Yeah, we-we
feel kinda responsible.
Joey:
I can't believe you
said woowoo. I don't
even
say woowoo.
Rachel:
Oh, she's coming up!
She's coming up! (Turns
on the TV)
Jay Leno:
(on TV) Folks,
when we come back we'll be
talking
about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the
always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You
might wanna
put the kids to bed for
this one.
(Everyone
has
settled
down
to
watch,
except
Chandler)
Chandler:
Y'know,
we
don't
have
to
watch
this.
Weekend
At
Bernie's
is
on
Showtime
,
HBO
,
and
Cinemax
.
Rachel:
No way, forget it.
Joey:
C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler:
Exactly.
Weekend
At
Bernie's
!
Dead
guy
getting
hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel:
Chandler, I gotta
tell you, I love your mom's
books!
I
love
her
books!
I
cannot
get
on
a
plane
without one! I mean,
this is so cool!
Chandler:
Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if
you're eleven years old and all your
friends are passing
around page 79 of
'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross:
C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's
a blast.
Chandler:
You
can
say
that
because
she's
not
your
mom.
Ross:
Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo:
Bona sera.
Rachel:
Oh, hi sweetie.
(They kiss)
Ross:
When did
Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica:
Last night.
Ross:
Ah, so then his plane
didn't explode in a big ball
of
fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe:
Hey hey hey! She's
on!
Paolo:
Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno:
(on TV) ...Now
what is this about you-you
being
arrested i-in London? What is that all about?
Phoebe:
Your mom was
arrested?
Chandler:
Shhh,
busy beaming with pride.
Mrs.
Bing:
(on TV) ...This is kind of
embarrassing, but
occasionally after
I've been intimate with a man...
Chandler:
Now
why
would
she
say
that's
embarrassing?
All:
Shhh.
Mrs.
Bing:
(on TV) ...I just get this
craving for Kung
Pow Chicken.
Chandler:
THAT'S TOO MUCH
INFORMATION!!
Jay
Leno:
(on TV) Alright, so
now you're doing this
whole book tour
thing, how is that going?
Mrs.
Bing:
(on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for
New York
tomorrow, which I hate- but I
get to see my son, who I
love...
All:
Awww!
Chandler:
This is the way
that I find out. Most moms
use the
phone.
Jay Leno:
(on TV)
Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I
just
don't
see
you
a-as
a
mom,
somehow..
I
don't
mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs.
Bing:
(on
TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I
bought my son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler:
...And then he
burst into flames.
[Scene:
The
Hospital,
it's
a
montage
of
Monica
and
Phoebe's
visit
to
the
hospital
with
My Guy
playing
in
the
background.
It
starts
with
Monica
reading
a
newspaper to him.]
Monica:
Let's see. Congress
is debating a new deficit
reduction
bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares
again...
the
high
today
was
forty-
five...
and-
oh,
teams played sports.
[Next
is
a
shot
of
them
dragging
an
enormous
plant
into
the
room,
then
Monica
knitting
a
sweater,
then
Phoebe
singing,
then
Phoebe
shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe:
What about Glen? He
could be a Glen.
Monica:
Nah... not-not
special enough.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
How about Agamemnon?
Monica:
Waaay too special.
[Scene:
A
Mexican
Restaurant,
Monica,
Phoebe,
Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Mrs.
Bing:
I
am
famished.
What
do
I
want...
(Looks at Chandler's
menu)
Chandler:
Please
God
don't
let
it
be
Kung
Pow
Chicken.
Mrs.
Bing:
Oh,
you
watched
the
show!
What'd
you think?
Chandler:
Well, I think you
need to come out of
your shell just a
little.
Ross:
(Entering)
What
is
this
dive?
Only
you
could've
picked this place.
Mrs.
Bing:
Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun.
Gimme
a
hug.
(They
both
sit
down)
Well,
I
think
we're
ready
for some tequila.
Chandler:
I know I am.
Mrs. Bing:
Who's doing shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe:
I'm in.
Mrs. Bing:
There y'go. Ross?
Ross:
Uh, I'm not really a
shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel
and Paolo. They are both somewhat
flustered)
Rachel:
Hi! Sorry- sorry
we're late, we, uh, kinda
just, y'know,
lost track of time.
Ross:
...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time
lapse.
Ross
is
now
clearly
drunk.
He
is
holding up a shot glass to his eye like
a jeweller's
eye.]
Ross:
Anyone want me to
appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds
something to Paolo. He eats it and
licks her hand)
Rachel:
Mrs.
Bing,
I
have
to
tell
you,
I've
read
everything
you've
ever
written.
No,
I
mean
it!
I
mean,
when
I
read
Euphoria
at
Midnight,
all
I
wanted to do was become a
writer.
Mrs. Bing:
Oh,
please, honey, listen, if I can do it,
anybody
can.
You
just
start
with
half
a
dozen
European
cities,
throw
in
thirty
euphemisms
for
male genitalia, and bam! You have got
yourself a
book.
Chandler:
Myyy mother,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing
on the telephone.]
Mrs.
Bing:
Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked
'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing:
You
okay there, slugger?
Ross:
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges
from the toilet behind him and he tries
to pretend
he was in the other one)
Mrs. Bing:
What is with you
tonight?
Ross:
Nothing.
Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs.
Bing:
(To phone) Okay, thank you. (To
Ross)
It's the Italian Hand-Licker,
isn't it.
Ross:
No. It's the
one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing:
She's supposed to be with you.
Ross:
You're good.
Mrs. Bing:
Oh, Ross, listen
to me. I have sold a
hundred
million
copies
of
my
books,
and
y'know
why?
Ross:
The
girl
on
the
cover
with
her
nipples
showing?
Mrs. Bing:
No. Because I
know how to write men
that women fall
in love with. Believe me, I cannot
sell
a
Paolo.
People
will
not
turn
three
hundred
twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon,
the guy's a
secondary character, a,
y'know, complication you
eventually
kill off.
Ross:
When?
Mrs. Bing:
He's not a hero.
...You know who our
hero is.
Ross:
The guy on the cover
with his nipples showing?
Mrs.
Bing:
No, it's you!
Ross:
Please.
Mrs. Bing:
No, really,
c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Ross:
Right.
Mrs.
Bing:
You are gonna be fine, believe
me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross:
Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey:
Uhhhh.... I'll just
pee in the street.
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
the
next
morning.
Joey
is
getting
the door in his dressing
gown
—
it's Ross.]
Ross:
Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey:
Yeah.
(Ross
drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Ross:
Okay, uh, about last
night, um, Chandler.. you didn't
tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay,
'cause I'm thinking- we
don't need to
tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right?
One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey:
Right. No big deal.
Ross:
Okay.
Joey:
In Bizarro World!! You
broke the code!
Ross:
What
code?
Joey:
You don't kiss
your friend's mom! Sisters are okay,
maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a
mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the
door and startles them. He picks up
the
paper)
Chandler:
What are
you guys doing out here?
Ross:
Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey
and I had discussed getting in
an early
morning
racquetball game.
But,
um, apparently,
somebody overslept.
Joey:
Yeah, well, you don't
have your racket.
Ross:
No,
no
I
don't,
because
it's
being
restrung,
somebody was
supposed to bring me one.
Joey:
Yeah, well you didn't
call and leave your grip size.
Chandler:
Okay, you guys
spend waaaay too much time
together.
(Goes back inside and shuts the door)
Ross:
Okay, I'm scum, I'm
scum.
Joey:
Ross, how could
you let this happen?
Ross:
I
don't
know,
God,
I...
well,
it's
not
like
she's
a
regular
mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...
Joey:
You don't think my
mom's sexy?
Ross:
Well...
not in the same way...
Joey:
I'll
have
you
know
that
Gloria
Tribbiani
was
a
handsome woman in her day, alright? You
think it's easy
giving birth to seven
children?
Ross:
Okay, I
think we're getting into a weird area here...
(Monica
and
Rachel's
door
opens
and
Rachel
and
Paolo
emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross:
Hey.
Rachel:
What're you guys
doing out here?
Ross:
Well,
not playing raquetball!
Joey:
He forgot to leave his
grip size!
Ross:
He didn't
get the goggles!
Rachel:
Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down
the hall)
Rachel:
Goodbye,
baby.
Paolo:
Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross:
Do they wait for me to
do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica
and Rachel's apartment)
Joey:
So are you gonna tell
him?
Ross:
Why would I tell
him?
Joey:
How about 'cause
if you don't, his mother might.
Ross:
Oh...
Monica:
(Entering) What are
you guys doing here?
Joey:
Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica:
...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there
stroking Coma Guy's hair,
when Monica
enters with a bunch of balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
22 of 56 Pages
Season 1
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica:
What are you doing
here?
Phoebe:
Nothing, I
just thought I'd stop by.. y'know,
after the uh... that I.. y'know, so
what are you doing
here?
Monica:
I'm
not
really
here.
Just
thought
I'd
drop
these off...on the
way.. my way... Do you come here a
lot?
Without me?
Phoebe:
No.
(Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the
other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do
you think he's
doing any better than he
was this morning?
Monica:
How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe:
Really?
Not
even
to,
um,
change
his
PAJAMAS?!
(Whips
back
the
sheet
to
reveal
him
wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Ross
is
talking
to
Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the
bar.]
Chandler:
Oh my God.
Ross:
You're my
friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler:
I can't believe
it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross:
Yeah, um, I don't know
if you noticed, but he
had a lot to
drink, and you know how he gets when
he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight
of Joey scowling
at him) I can't do
this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I
kissed your mom.
Chandler:
What?
Ross:
I was really
upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I
think I had too much tequila, and Nora-
um, Mrs. Mom-
your
Bing-
was
just
being
nice,
y'know,
and-
But
nothing
happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came
in-
Chandler:
(To
Joey) You knew about this?
Joey:
Uh... y'know,
knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler:
I spent the entire
day with you, why didn't
you tell me?!
Joey:
Hey, hey, hey, you're
lucky I caught them when
I did, or else
who knows what woulda happened.
Ross:
Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler:
(To Ross) I can't
believe this! What the hell
were you
thinking?
Ross:
I wasn't- I
mean, I-
Chandler:
Y'know,
of
all
my
friends,
no-
one
knows
the crap I go
through with my mom more than you.
Ross:
I know-
Chandler:
I can't believe
you did this. (Walks toward
the door)
Ross:
Chandler-
Joey:
Me neither, y'know
what-
Chandler:
I'm still
mad at you for not telling me.
Joey:
What are you mad at me
for?!
Ross:
Chandler-
Chandler:
You gotta let me
slam the door! (Leaves;
slams the door)
Joey:
(Shouting after him)
Chandler, I didn't kiss her,
he did!
(To Ross) See what happens when you break
the code?
Ross:
Joey-
Joey:
Ah! (Points to
door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the
door)
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
everyone
is
there
except
for
Chandler.
Rachel
is
writing
something
and
Monica
walks up.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica:
(Reading)
'A
Woman
Undone,
by
Rachel
Karen
Green'.
Rachel:
Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on
the first chapter. Now, do you think
his 'love stick can
be liberated from
its denim prison'?
Monica:
(Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in
'engorged'.
Phoebe:
(Walks up with her
guitar) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe:
Hello.
Monica:
Hello.
Phoebe:
Going to the
hospital tonight?
Monica:
No, you?
Phoebe:
No, you?
Monica:
You just asked me.
Season 1
Phoebe:
Okay,
maybe
it
was
a
trick
question.
(Plays
a
few
chords)
Um,
Rachel
can
we
do
this
now?
Rachel:
Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey:
(To
Ross,
on
the
couch)
Now,
here's
a
picture
of my mother and father on their wedding
day. Now you tell me she's not a
knockout.
Ross:
I
cannot
believe
we're
having
this
conversation.
Joey:
C'mon! Just try to
picture her not pregnant,
that's all.
Rachel:
(Into microphone)
Central Perk is proud
to present Miss
Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe:
Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with
a
song
that's
about
a
man
that
I
recently
met,
who's,
um,
come
to
be
very
important
to
me.
(Monica gives her a
look) 'Kay. (Sung:)
Monica:
I read to you.
Phoebe:
I sang. (To Monica)
Hah!
Coma Guy:
Well,...
thanks.
Monica:
Oh, my
pleasure.
Phoebe:
You're
welcome.
Coma Guy:
So. I
guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe:
What, that's it?
Monica:
Coma Guy:
Well, what do you
want me to say?
Monica:
Oh,
I don't know. Maybe, um,
Admit
something to me?
Coma
Guy:
Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe:
I don't think you
mean that.
Monica:
This is
so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give,
and we give. And then- we just get
nothing back! And then
Ross:
Well, howdya feel?
Chandler:
Pretty good! I told her.
Ross:
Well, see? So, maybe
it wasn't such a bad idea,
y'know,
me
kissing
your
mom,
uh?
Huh?
(Wags
his
finger
at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't
have to go down that road.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Rachel
is
handing
out
copies of her book to the gang.]
Rachel:
Okay. Now this is
just the first chapter, and I
want
your
absolute
honest
opinion.
Oh,
oh,
and
on
page two, he's not
'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica:
What's a 'niffle'?
Joey:
You usually find them
on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel:
Alright, alright, so
I'm not a great typist...
Ross:
Wait,
did
you
get
to
the
part
about
his
'huge
You don't have to be awake to be my
man,
As
long
as
you
have
brainwaves
I'll
be
there
to
hold your hand.
Though we
just met the other day,
There's something I have got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay,
thank you
very much, I'm gonna
take
a short break! (Runs
out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel:
(Into
mike)
Okay,
that
was
Phoebe
Buffay, everybody. Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler:
What was that?
Ross:
Oh, uh, Phoebe just
started a...
Chandler:
Yeah,
I believe I was talking to Joey,
alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to
the counter)
Joey:
(Laughing)
Mother-Kisser...
(Sees
Ross's
look) I'll shut up.
Ross:
Chandler,
can
I
just
say
something?
I-I
know you're still mad at
me, I just wanna say that
there
were
two
people
there
that
night.
Okay?
Two sets of lips.
Chandler:
Yes, well, I
expect this from her. Okay?
She's
always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross:
Okay, well, if she
always behaves like this,
why don't you
say something?
Chandler:
Because it's complicated, it's complex-
Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross:
(To
the
rest
of
Central
Perk)
We're
rehearsing a Greek
play.
Chandler:
That's very
funny. We done now?
Ross:
No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk
to her, you're not gonna tell her how
you feel?
Chandler:
That
would be no. Look, just because
you
played
tonsil
tennis
with
my
mom
doesn't
mean
you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't
talk to her.
Ross:
Okay,
'you'
can't,
or
(Points
to
Chandler)
you can't?
(Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's
my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross
goes down
on one knee) That's, that's
my knee. (To Central
Perk) Still doing
the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The Coma Guy's
Room, Monica bursts in,
closely
followed
by
Phoebe.
There
is
no
sign
of
Coma Guy.
His bed is
empty.]
Phoebe:
Alright,
whadyou do with him?
(There is the
sound of a flushing toilet and Coma
Guy
emerges from the bathroom)
Monica:
Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe:
Look at you! How,
how do you feel?
Coma Guy:
Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica:
You look good!
Coma Guy:
I feel good!
...Who are you?
Monica:
Oh,
sorry.
Phoebe:
I'm Phoebe
Buffay.
Monica:
I'm Monica
Geller. I've been taking care
of you.
Phoebe:
Well, we both have.
Coma
Guy:
So,
the
Etch-a-
Sketch
is
from
you
guys?
Phoebe:
Well, actually it's
just from me.
Monica:
I got
you the foot massager.
Phoebe:
You
know
who
shaved
you?
That
was
me.
one
day,
y'know,
it's
just,
you
wake
up,
and
you
around!
Phoebe:
Y'know
what?
We
thought
you
were
different.
But I guess it
was just the coma.
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's
Chandler
is
talking
with
his
mom.]
Mrs.
Bing:
Car's waiting downstairs, I just
wanted to drop
off these copies of my
book for your friends. Anything you
want from Lisbon?
Chandler:
No,
just
knowing
you're
gonna
be
there
is
enough.
Mrs. Bing:
Alright, well, be
good, I love you. (Kisses him
and goes
to leave)
Chandler:
You
kissed
my
best
Ross! ...Or
something
to
that
effect.
Mrs. Bing:
(Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Chandler:
Really stupid.
Mrs.
Bing:
Really
stupid.
And
I
don't
even
know
how
it
happened. I'm sorry,
honey, I promise it will never happen
again. Are we okay now?
Chandler:
Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening
to Chandler and his
mom's conversation
through the door as Ross walks up.]
Ross:
Ah, the forbidden love
of a man and his door.
Joey:
Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just
about the
kiss, about everything.
Ross:
You're kidding.
Joey:
No, no. He said
start being a
mom?
Ross:
Wow!
Joey:
Then she came back
with
you gonna grow up and realise I
have a bomb?
Ross:
'Kay,
wait
a
minute,
are
you
sure
she
didn't
say
are
you
gonna
grow
up
and
realise
I
am
your
mom?
Joey:
That
makes more sense.
Ross:
So,
what's going on now?
Joey:
I
dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for
you!
(Goes
back
to
the
door)
I
don't
hear
anything.
Oh,
wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the
spyhole)
Ross:
Whaddya see?
Joey:
Hard to tell, they're
so tiny and upside-down. Wait,
wait.
They're walking away... they're walking away...
No,
no they're not, they're coming
right at us! Run! Run!
(Joey
runs
off
down
the
hall.
Ross
tries
Monica
and
Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so
he has to stand in
the hall and pretend
he wasn't listening. Chandler and his
mom come out)
Mrs.
Bing:
You okay, kiddo?
Chandler:
Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing:
Alright. (Kisses
him)
Chandler:
Nice save.
(She walks down the hall)
Ross:
(Very politely) Mrs.
Bing.
Mrs. Bing:
Mr. Geller.
(She leaves)
(Ross knocks on
Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler:
Hey.
Ross:
You mean that?
Chandler:
Yeah, why not.
(They shake hands) So I told
her.
Ross:
Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler:
Awful. Awful.
Couldn'ta gone worse.
23 of
56 Pages
throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you
don't wanna be around
when he starts
writing with those!
Rachel:
Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
All:
Nooo!
End
112 The One
With the Dozen Lasagnes
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is
there. Ross working
on crossword
puzzle, starts humming theme from
The
Odd Couple
. Chandler joins
in, followed by Monica and
Phoebe,
then
the
whole
gang.
Ross
starts
humming
theme from
I Dream Of Jeannie
.]
Chandler:
No-no-no-no, we're
done.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is
on the phone
in the kitchen.]
Monica:
Aunt Syl, stop
yelling! All I'm saying is that if
you
had
told
me
vegetarian
lasagna,
I
would
have
made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses,
listens to person on
phone) Well, the
meat's only every third layer, maybe
you could scrape.
(Camera
moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey
sitting in living room)
Joey:
Ross, did you really
read all these baby books?
Ross:
Yup! You could plunk
me down in the middle of
any woman's
uterus, no compass, and I can find my
way out of there like that! (snaps
fingers)
Phoebe:
Ooh, this
is cool...it says in some parts of the
world,
people
actually
eat
the
placenta.
(Joey
grimaces)
Chandler:
And,
we're
done
with
the
yogurt.
(Sets
yogurt down on table)
Phoebe:
(softly) Sorry.
(Camera pans back to Monica,
still on
phone)
Monica:
Aunt
Syl,
I
did
this
as
a
favor,
I
am
not
a
caterer.
What
do
you
want
me
to
do
with
a
dozen
lasagnas?
(listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked)
Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York
accent) You kiss Uncle
Freddie with
that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group
in living room)
Joey:
Hey
Ross, listen, you know that right now, your
baby's only this big? (measures about 2
inches with his
thumb
and
index
finger)
This
is
your
baby.
(in
baby-
like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross:
(waves) Hello!
Joey:
(in
baby-like
voice)
How
come
you
don't
live
with
Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused)
How come Mommy lives with that other
lady? (pause;
Ross still looks less
than amused; Joey smiling) What's
a
lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel
enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks
annoyed)
Rachel:
Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's
like
Poc-o-nos
(touching
Paolo's
nose
with
forefinger
with each
syllable)
Paolo:
Ah,
poke
(Paolo
touches
Rachel's
nose)
a
(touches
nose
again)
nose,
mmm
(they
rub
noses,
then kisses her)
Joey,
Chandler,
and
Ross:
(sitting
in
living
room,
imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera
pans
to
Rachel,
Monica,
and
Phoebe
in
the
kitchen)
Monica:
So, did I hear
Poconos?
Rachel:
Yes,
my
sister's
giving
us
her
place
for
the
weekend.
Phoebe:
Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Monica:
Yeah, that's a big
step.
Rachel:
I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler:
(to Ross) Ah, it's
just a weekend, big
deal!
Ross:
Wasn't this supposed
to be just a fling, huh?
Shouldn't
it
be...(makes
flinging
motions
with
hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel:
I mean, we are way
past the fling thing, I
mean, I am
feeling things that I've only read about
in Danielle Steele books, you know? I
mean, when
I'm with him, I'm totally,
totally...
(Camera pans to Ross,
holding his stomach)
Ross:
...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What
am
I
supposed
to
do,
huh?
Call
immigration?
(pauses,
looks
suddenly
inspired)
I
could
call
immigration!
[Scene:
The
Hallway,
Chandler
and
Joey
leaving
girls' apartment,
carrying lasagna.]
Joey:
I
love
babies,
with
their
little
baby
shoes,
and
their
little
baby
toes,
and
their
little
baby
hands...
Chandler:
Ok, you're going
to have to stop that,
forever!
(Joey
opens
door,
throws
keys
on
kitchen
table,
table falls over)
Joey:
Need a new table.
Chandler:
You think?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a
knock on the
door and Carol answers it
to Ross.]
Carol:
Hey hey,
come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying
lasagna)
Ross:
Hey, hello!
mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought
all
the
books,
and
Monica
sends
her
love,
along
with
this lasagna.
Carol:
Oh
great!
Is
it
vegetarian,
'cause
Susan
doesn't eat meat.
Ross:
(pauses) I'm pretty
sure that it is...
Carol:
So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross:
(making flinging
gestures with hands) Oh,
tell me, tell
me, is everything, uhh....?
Carol:
Totally and
completely healthy!
Ross:
Oh,
that's
great,
that
is
great!
(Hugs
and
kisses
Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Ross:
Hey, when did you and
Susan meet Huey
Lewis?
Carol:
Uh, that's our friend
Tanya.
Ross:
(surprised,
chuckling nervously) Of course
it's
your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol:
Don't you want to
know about the sex?
Ross:
(chuckles
nervously)
The
sex?
(chuckles)
Um, I'm having
enough trouble with the image of
you
and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya
(miming washing hair, that's the best I
could think
of), yaw...
Carol:
The sex of the baby,
Ross.
Ross:
Oh,
you
know
the
sex
of
the
baby?
Oh,
oh-oh-
oh!
Carol:
Do you want to
know?
Ross:
No, no, no, no,
no, I don't want to know,
absolutely
not.
I
think,
you
know,
I
think
you
should
know until you look down there, and say,
oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan:
Oh, hello Ross!
Ross:
Susan...
Susan:
So, so, did you hear?
Ross:
Yes, we did,
everything's A-OK!
Susan:
Oh,
that's
so...
(Susan
hugs
Carol,
they
giggle,
Ross
steps
away)
It
really
is...do
we
know...?
Carol:
Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross:
(flailing arms in
protest) Oh, hey hey hey,
ho ho ho,
hello, guy who doesn't want
to know,
standing right here!
Susan:
Oh,
well,
is it
what we thought
it
would
be?
Carol:
Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling.
Ross
stands
back,
reaches
out
and
lightly
taps
Susan's
shoulder)
Ross:
Ok, what, what...ok,
what did we think it was going
to be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross:
(interrupts) No, no,
no I don't want to know, don't
want to
know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should
probably just go.
Carol:
Well, thanks for the
books.
Ross:
No problem, ok,
mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa
(kisses
Carol's
stomach,
then
punches
Susan's
shoulder)
Susan... (Ross leaves.)
Susan:
All
right,
who
should
we
call
first,
your
folks,
or
Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol:
Hello?
Ross:
(on intercom) Uh,
never mind, I don't want to know.
(Carol and Susan laugh)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
Joey and Chandler use their
knees as a table to support the
lasagna.]
Chandler:
Ok, so
it's just because it was my table, I have
to buy a new one?
Joey:
That's the rule.
Chandler:
What
rule?
There's
no
rule,
if
anything,
you
owe
me a table!
Joey:
How'd you
get to that?
Chandler:
Well,
I believe the piece of furniture was fine
until your little breakfast adventure
with Angela Delvecchio
Joey:
You knew about that?
Chandler:
Well, let's just
say the impressions you made in
the
butter left little to the imagination.
Joey:
Ok, ok, How about if
we split it?
Chandler:
What
do you mean, like, buy it together?
Joey:
Yeah
Chandler:
You think we're
ready for something like that?
Joey:
Why not?
Chandler:
Well,
it's
a
pretty
big
commitment,
I
mean,
what if one of us
wants to move out?
Joey:
Why, are you moving out?
Chandler:
I'm not moving
out.
Joey:
You'd
tell me if you were moving out right
Chandler:
Yeah,
yeah,
it's
just
that
with
my
last
roommate Kip...
Joey:
Aw, I know all about
Kip!
Chandler:
It's just
that we bought a hibachi together, and
then he ran off and got married, and
things got pretty ugly.
Joey:
Well,
let
me
ask
you
something,
was
Kip
a
better
roommate than me?
Chandler:
Aw, don't do that
[Scene:
Phoebe's
Massage
Parlor,
Phoebe's
assistant
is
telling her about the
changes to her schedule.]
Phoebe's
Assistant:
We've got a couple changes
in your
schedule. Your 4:00 herbal
massage has been pushed back
to 4:30
and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe:
Ok, thanks.
(assistant leaves, then walks back in)
Phoebe's Assistant:
Oh, here
comes your 3:00. I don't
mean to sound
unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo
enters)
Paolo:
Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe:
Oh, Paolo, hi, what
are you doing here?
Paolo:
Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe:
Well, Racquela's
right, yeah!
(Paolo speaks Italian)
Phoebe:
Oh,
okay,
I
don't
know
what
you
just
said,
so
let's get started.
Paolo:
Uh, I am, uh, being
naked?
Phoebe:
Um,
that's
really
your
decision,
I
mean,
some
people
prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're
being naked!
[Scene: Central
Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Rachel:
(to Ross) I can't
believe you don't want to know. I
mean,
I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor
knows,
and Carol knows, and Susan
knows....
Monica:
And Monica knows...
Ross:
Wha, heh, how could
you know, I don't even know!
Monica:
Carol
called
me
to
thank
me
for
the
lasagna,
I
asked, she told me.
Joey:
So what's it gonna be?
(Monica whispers in Joey's
ear. Ross
gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
24 of 56 Pages
Season 1
Ross:
Wait
—
oh
—
hey
—
huh, oh great now he knows,
and I
don't know!
Monica:
I'm
sorry,
I'm
just
excited
about
being
an
aunt!
Joey:
Or an
uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
Ross:
Hi Pheebs!
Rachel:
Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica:
Phoebe, what's the
matter?
Phoebe:
Nothing, I'm
sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Customer:
Hey,
can
we
get
some
cappuccino
over
here?
Rachel:
Oh, right, that's
me!
Joey:
Hey,
Chandler,
that
table
place
closes
at
7,
come on.
Chandler:
Fine. (Joey and
Chandler walk towards the
door)
Monica:
Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe:
All right, you know
Paolo?
Ross:
I'm familiar
with his work, yes...
Phoebe:
Well, he made a move
on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey:
Whoa, store will be
open tomorrow!
Chandler:
More coffee over here, please!
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica:
Well, what happened?
Phoebe:
Well,
he
came
in
for
a
massage,
and
everything
was
fine
until.
(A
flashback
starts
Paolo,
lying on massage
table, moving his hands up Phoebe's
legs.)
[Cut back to Central
Perk.]
Joey and Chandler:
Ooooohh!
Ross:
My
God.
Monica:
Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo
grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to
Central Perk.]
Phoebe:
Oh
yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with
Phoebe
doing
a
voiceover.)
And
all
of
a
sudden
his
hands
weren't
the
problem
anymore.
(Flashback
continues: Paolo
rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then
quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her
head)
Monica:
Was it...?
Phoebe:
Oh,
boy
scouts
could
have
camped
under
there.
Guys:
Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross:
The actress!
(all talking indistinctly,
high-fiving)
Ross:
Thanks
Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler:
So what are you
gonna do?
Ross:
You have to
tell her! You have to tell her! It's
your moral obligation, as a friend, as
a woman, I think
it's a feminist issue!
Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to
chime
in)
Chandler:
Oh, yeah, you
have to tell her.
Joey:
Feminist issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe:
She is gonna hate
me.
Ross:
(sympathetic
yet...) Yeah, well...
[Scene:
The
Table
Store,
Joey
and
Chandler
and
looking for their new
table.]
Joey:
Will
you
pick
one,
just
pick
one!
Here,
how
about that one? (points to a table)
Chandler:
That's patio
furniture!
Joey:
So
what,
like
people
are
gonna
come
in
and
think,
Chandler:
(gesturing
towards
another
table)
What
about the birds?
Joey:
I don't know, birds
just don't say,
eat
something.
Season 1
Chandler:
You pick one.
Joey:
All right, how about
the ladybugs?
Chandler:
Oh,
so, forget about the birds, but big
red
insects suggest fine dining!
Joey:
Fine,
you
want
to
get
the
birds,
get
the
birds!
Chandler:
Not
like
that,
I
won't!
(pauses)
Kip
would have liked the
birds! (Joey turns and gives
Chandler a
dirty look)
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Rachel
folding
and
Rachel:
He's
like a big disgusting...
Phoebe:
...like a...
Rachel:
...pig...pig man!
Phoebe:
Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel:
(voice wavers) Oh,
but he was my pig man...how
did I not
see this?
Phoebe:
(raises
hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's
because... he's gorgeous, and he's
charming, and when he
looks at you...
Rachel:
Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Rachel:
Oh, Ross...
Ross:
What?
Rachel:
I am so sick of
guys. I don't want to look at
another
guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I
don't even want to be near another guy.
(Ross crosses
arms)
Ross:
Huh.
Rachel:
Oh Ross, you're so
great!
Ross:
Ohhhh (Hugs her
and sighs)
[Cut
to
inside
the
apartment,
Rachel
and
Ross
are
packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe
enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel:
Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe:
Are you moving out?
Rachel:
No, these aren't all
my suitcases. (picks
up small blue
suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This
one's Paolo's.
Phoebe:
Um, um, Rachel can
we talk for a sec?
Rachel:
Well,
sure...just
a
sec,
though,
'cause
Paolo's on his way
over.
Phoebe:
Oh! (sits
down) Ok, um, ok, um,
Rachel:
Oh, Pheebs,
Pheebs...
Phoebe:
Ok,
um,
(clears
throat)
we
haven't
known each other for
that long a time, and, um,
there are
three things that you should know about
me. One, my friends are the most
important thing
in my life, two, I
never lie, and three, I make the
best
oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe
opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel:
(taking cookie) Ok,
thanks Pheebs (takes
bite
of
cookie,
overwhelmed)
Oh
my
God,
why
have I never tasted
these before?!
Phoebe:
Oh, I
don't make them a lot because I
don't
think it's fair to the other cookies
Rachel:
All right, well,
you're right, these are the
best
oatmeal cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe:
Which proves that I
never lie.
Rachel:
I guess
you don't.
Phoebe:
Paolo
made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks
stunned)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
Ross, Chandler, Joey,
and Monica
admiring their new table.]
Chandler:
So, what do you
think?
Ross:
I think It's
the most beautiful table I've ever
seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The
camera
pans
back
to
reveal
Joey
and
Chandler's new foosball table.)
Monica:
So
how
does
this
work,
you
going
to
balance the plates on
these little guys' heads?
Joey:
Who cares, we'll eat
at the sink! Come on,
let's play!
Monica:
Heads
up
Ross!
(Monica
scores
on
Chandler
and
Joey)
Score!
(points
at
Chandler)
You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is
recovering
from the shock.]
Phoebe:
Are you okay?
Rachel:
I need some milk.
Phoebe:
Ok,
I've
got
milk
(takes
thermos
from
her bag and starts to
pour a cup) Here you go...
(Rachel
drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel
finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel:
No...
oh
,
I
feel
so
stupid!
Oh,
I
think
about the other day
with you guys and I was all
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
Phoebe:
I'm so embarrassed,
I'm the one he hit
on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel:
Pheebs, if I had
never met him this never
would have
happened!
Rachel and Phoebe:
I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry!
No I'm
sorry! No I'm sorry!
Phoebe:
No, wait, oh, what
are we sorry about?
Rachel:
I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe:
Such a pig!
Rachel:
Oh, God, he's such a
pig,
Phoebe:
Oh
he's like a...
Phoebe:
The
end.
Rachel:
Oh, God...
Phoebe:
Should I not have
told you?
Rachel:
No, no,
trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I
know. Uh, I just liked it better before
it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her
chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Phoebe
is
telling
everyone
how
it
went
across
the
hall
as
the
foosball
game
continues.]
Phoebe:
I think she took it
pretty well. You know Paolo's
over
there right now, so...
Monica:
We should get over there and see if
she's okay.
(switching
places
with
Ross)
Just
one...second!
Score!
(Monica
scores,
high-fives
with
Ross)
Game!
Come
on.
(Monica
and Phoebe leave)
Ross:
(wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh,
we
kicked your butts.
Joey:
No-no, she kicked
our butts. You
could be
on the
Olympic standing-
there team.
Ross:
Come on,
two on one.
Chandler:
What
are you still doing here? She just broke
up with the guy, it's time for you to
swoop in!
Ross:
What, now?
Joey:
Yes, now is when you
swoop! You gotta make sure
that
when
Paolo
walks
out
of
there,
the
first
guy
Rachel
sees is you, She's
gotta know that you're everything he's
not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!
Chandler:
My
Catholic
friend
is
right.
She's
distraught.
You're there for
her. You pick up the pieces, and then you
usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and
Chandler look off into
the
distance.
Joey,
wondering
what
they
are
looking
at,
looks in the same
direction)
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel
is throwing
Paolo's clothes
over the side.]
Paolo:
No,
that's cold, that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Ross:
(entering) How's it
going?
Monica:
Don't
stare.
Now
she
just
finished
throwing
his
clothes off the balcony, now there's
just a lot of gesturing
and
arm-waving,
(shows
Rachel
gesturing
with
hands
in
front of her chest), Ok, that is
either,
Phoebe:
Ooh!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and
Monica scatter)
Paolo:
Uh, I
am, uh, to say good-bye.
Phoebe:
Oh, ok bye-bye.
Monica:
Paolo, I really hate
you for what you did to Rachel,
(hands
him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so
heat
it at 375 until the cheese
bubbles.
Paolo:
Grazie.
Ross:
Paolo, I-I just want
to tell you and I think I speak for
everyone when I say... (shuts door in
his face and walks
away)
Phoebe:
Oh, just look at
her... (girls move toward Rachel
on the
balcony)
Ross:
Oh you guys,
I-I really think just one of us should go
out there so she's not overwhelmed...
Monica:
Oh, you're right.
Ross:
(pulls Monica back)
...and I really think it should be
me.
[Cut
to
the
balcony,
Ross
has
just
climbed
through
the
window.]
Ross:
Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross:
You all right?
Rachel:
Ooh, I've been
better...
Ross:
Come here.
(he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so
much better than him...you know, I
mean, you, you, you
should be with a
guy who knows what he has when he has
you.
25 of 56 Pages
entering.]
Monica:
Ooh...hey honey, are
you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe:
You ok?
Rachel:
...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross:
See, Rach, uh, see, I
don't think that swearing
off guys
altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think
that what you need is to develop a more
sophisticated
screening process.
Rachel:
No. I just need to
be by myself for a while,
you know? I
just got to figure out what I want
Ross:
Uh, no, no, see,
because not...not all guys are
going to
be a Paolo.
Rachel:
No, I
know, I know, and I'm sure your little
boy is not going to grow up to be one.
Ross:
(astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross:
I-I'm, I'm having a
boy?
Rachel:
Uh...no. No,
no, in fact, you're not having a
boy.
Ross:
Wha-I'm
having, I'm having
a boy!
(babbling)
Huh, am I having a boy?
Girls:
Yes, you're having a
boy! (Monica runs over and
hugs Ross)
Ross:
I'm having a boy! Oh,
I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler
run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey:
Wha-
Joey
and Chandler: What is it?
Ross:
I'm having a boy!
I-I'm having a boy!
Joey:
Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey
and
Chandler:
We
already
knew
that!
(they
hug)
Ross:
I'm having a son.
Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Monica
is
busy
killing
Chandle and Joey at foosball.]
Monica:
Yes
! And that would be a
shut-down!
Joey
and
Chandler:
Shut-
out!!
(They
both
start
heading for their
rooms.)
Monica:
Where
are
you
guys
going?
Come
on,
one
more
game!
Joey:
Uh, it's 2:30 in
the morning!
Chandler:
Yeah,
get out!
Monica:
You
guys
are
always
hanging
out
in
my
apartment! Come on, I'll only use my
left hand, huh?
Come on, wussies! (Joey
and Chandler pick her up) All
right,
ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out)
and I'm gone.
Chandler:
(to Joey) One more
game?
Joey:
Oh yeah!
End
113 The One
With the Boobies
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Chandler
walks
in
and
starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel
comes out of the
shower with a towel
wrapped round her waist, drying
herself
with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle
each other and she drops the towel for
a second and
snatches the rug off the
couch.]
Rachel:
That is IT!
You just barge in here, you don't
knock
Chandler:
I'm sorry!
Rachel:
You have no respect
for anybody's privacy!
Season 1
Chandler:
Rachel, wait,
wait.
Rachel:
No, you wait!
This is ridiculous!
Chandler:
Can I just say one
thing?
Rachel:
What? What?!
Chandler:
That's
a
relatively
open
weave
and
I
can still see your... nipular areas.
Rachel: Oh!!
(She storms
off)
Opening Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Phoebe
is
there
with
her
boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and
Monica.]
Phoebe:
Oh,
honey,
honey,
tell
them
the
story
about
your
patient
who
thinks
things
are,
like,
other
things.
Y'know?
Like,
the
phone
rings
and
she
takes a shower.
Roger:
That's pretty much it.
Phoebe:
Oh, this is my
friend Roger.
Roger: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani:
Hey, hey.
Good to meet you, Roger.
Roger:
You too, sir.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
(To
Phoebe)
What
happened
to
the,
uh,
puppet guy?
Joey:
Dad, dad. (Shakes his
head)
Mr. Tribbiani:
Oh,
'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife?
(Ross whines and lays his head on
Chandler's shoulder) Off
there too, uh?
Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
(Chandler stays stonefaced)
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Mr.
Tribbiani
is
on
the
phone.]
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Gotta go. I miss you too, I
love you, but it's
getting real late
now
Joey:
(Snatches the
phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I
made the
Roger:
I don't know. Maybe
maybe low self-esteem,
maybe
maybe
to
compensate
for
overshadowing
a
sibling, maybe you...
Monica:
Wait-wait, go back
to that sibling thing.
Roger:
Well,
I
don't
know.
I
mean,
it's
conceivable
that you wanted
to sabotage your marriage so that the
sibling would feel less of a
failure
in the
eyes
of
the
parents.
Ross:
That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for
her
failures!
Monica:
Oh! So you think I'm
a failure!
Phoebe:
Isn't he
good?
Ross:
Nonono,
thatthat's not what I was saying...
Monica:
Y'know, all these
years, I thought you were
on
my
side.
But
maybe
what
you
were
doing
was
sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd
keep liking you
better!
Phoebe: Oops!
Roger:
But you tell it
really well, sweetie.
Phoebe:
Thanks. Okay, now go
away so we can
talk about you.
Roger:
Okay. I'll miss you.
Phoebe:
Isn't he great?
Rachel:
He's so cute! And he
seems to like you so
much.
Phoebe:
I
know,
I
know.
So
sweet...
and
so
complicated. And for a
shrink, he's not too shrinky,
y'know?
Monica:
So, you think you'll
do it on his couch?
Phoebe:
Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think
that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.
Rachel:
Okaaay. (To the
guys, on the couch) Any
of you guys
want anything else?
Chandler:
Oh,
yes,
could
I
have
one
of
those.
(Points)
Rachel:
No,
I'm
sorry,
we're
all
out
of
those.
Anybody else?
Chandler: Okay.
Roger:
Did I, uh, did I miss
something?
Chandler:
No,
she's still upset because I saw her
boobies.
Ross:
You what? Wh what were you doing seeing
her boobies?
Chandler:
It
was
an
accident.
Not
like
I
was
across
the
street
with
a
telescope
and
a
box
of
donuts.
Rachel:
Okay, okay, could we
change the subject,
please?
Phoebe:
Yeah,
'cause
hello,
these
are
not
her
boobies, these are her
breasts.
Rachel:
Okay,
Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a
change.
Chandler:
Y'know,
I
don't
know
why
you're
so
embarrassed, they were
very nice boobies.
Rachel:
Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I
mean, mittens are nice.
Chandler:
Okaaay,
(Gestures)
rock,
hard
place,
me.
Roger:
You're
so
funny!
He's
really
funny!
I
wouldn't wanna be there when when the
laughter
stops.
Chandler:
Whoah whoah, back
up there, Sparky.
What'd you mean by
that?
Roger:
Oh, just seems
as though that maybe you
have
intimacy
issues.
Y'know,
that
you
use
your
humour
as a way of keeping people at a distance.
Chandler: Huh.
Roger:
I mean hey! I just
met you, I don't know
you
from
Adam.
...Only
child,
right?
Parents
divorced before you hit puberty.
Chandler:
Uhhuh, how did you
know that?
Roger:
It's
textbook.
(Joey enters with his dad)
Joey:
Hey you guys. Hey, you
all know my dad,
right?
All:
Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
Monica:
Hey, how long are
you in the city?
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Just for a coupla days. I
got a job
midtown.
I
figure
I'm
better
off
staying
with
the
kid than hauling my ass
back and forth on the ferry.
(Sees
Roger) I don't know this one.
appointment
with
Dr.
Bazida,
and...
Excuse
me?
(To
his
dad) Did
you know this isn't Ma?
(His dad nods.
Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)
Mr. Tribbiani:
Her name's
Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
Joey:
Sure.
So
how
long
you
been...
(Goes
back
to
chopping)
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Remember
when
you
were
a
little
kid,
I
used to
take you to the navy yard and show you the big
ships?
Joey:
Since then?!
Mr. Tribbiani:
No, it's only been six years. I just wanted
to put a nice memory in your head so
you'd know that I
wasn't
always
such
a
terrible
guy. ...Joe.
Y'ever
been
in
love?
Joey:
...I
d'know.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Then
y'haven't.
You're
burning
your
tomatoes.
Joey:
You're
one
to
talk.
(Puts
the
mushrooms
in
a
saucepan)
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Joe, your dad's in love big
time. And the
worst part of it is, it's
with two different women.
Joey:
Oh man. Please tell me
one of 'em is Ma.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Of course, course one of
'em's Ma. What's
the matter with you.
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
Joey
is
lamenting
to
everyone about hid dad's
affair.]
Joey:
It's like if
you woke up one day and found out your
dad was leading this double life. He's
like actually some spy,
working
for
the
C.I.A.
(Considers)
That'd
be
cool....
This
blows!
Rachel:
I
know,
I
mean,
why
can't
parents
just
stay
parents? (She walks over near Chandler
and his gaze stays
very obviously on
her chest) Why do they have to become
people? Why do they have... (Notices
Chandler) Why can't
you stop staring at
my breasts?
Chandler:
(Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?
Rachel:
Did
you
not
get
a
good
enough
look
the
other
day?
Ross:
Alright,
alright.
We're
all
adults
here,
there's
only
one way to resolve
this. Since you saw her boobies, I think,
uh, you're gonna have to show her your
peepee.
Chandler:
Y'know, I
don't see that happening?
Rachel:
C'mon, he's right.
Tit for tat.
Chandler:
Well
I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
(Door
buzzer goes)
Monica:
Hello?
Phoebe:
(Intercom) It's
Phoebe.
Roger:
(Intercom)
And Rog.
Monica:
C'mon up.
Chandler:
(Sarcastic) Oh,
good. Rog is here.
Joey:
What's the matter with Rog?
Ross:
Yeah.
Chandler:
Oh, it's nothing,
it's a little thing... I hate that
guy.
Ross:
What, so he was a
little analytical. That's what he
does,
y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.
(Cut
to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table.
Ross
is upset)
Ross:
Y'see,
that's
where
you're
wrong.
Why
would
I
marry
her
if
I
thought
on
any
level
thatthat
she
was
a
lesbian?
Roger:
I
dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
Ross:
Why? Why would I why?
Why? Why? Why?
26 of 56 Pages
Ross:
Hey, I married a
lesbian to make you look good!
(Cut to
later. Rachel is in tears)
Rachel:
You're
right!
I
mean
you're
right!
It
wasn't
just the Weebles, but
it was the Weeble Play Palace,
and and
the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this
little lifeboat for the Weebles to
wobble in.
Roger:
That's
tough.
Tough
stuff.
C'mon,
Pheebs,
we're gonna catch
that movie, we gotta get going.
Phoebe:
Oh, okay. Feel
better, Rachel, 'kay?
Roger:
Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
Phoebe:
Oh, okay. Listen,
thanks for everything, Mon.
Monica:
You're welcome.
Roger:
Listen
guys,
it
was
great
seeing
you
again.
Mon,
um,
easy
on
those
cookies,
okay?
Remember,
they're just food,
they're not love.
(He shuts the door
and Ross and Monica fling cookies
at
it)
Monica:
Hate that guy!
(Throws another cookie)
[Scene:
The
Hallway,
Chandler
and
Joey
are
just
leaving
Monica and Rachel's.]
Joey:
Night, you guys.
(They notice that a
woman is sitting by their door)
Chandler:
Oh look, it's the
woman we ordered.
Joey:
Hey.
Can, uh, can we help you?
Ronni:
Oh, no thanks, I'm
just waiting for, uh, Joey
Tribbiani.
Joey:
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Ronni:
Oh no, not you, big
Joey. Oh my God, you're
so much cuter
than your pictures! (Joey stares at her)
I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Chandler:
Uh, Joey's having
an embolism, but I'd go
for a Nip,
y'know?
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Chandler
and
Joey's,
Ronni
is
talking
to
Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]
Ronni:
Now, y'see, most
people, when their pets pass
on, they
want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping.
But occasionally you get your person
who wants them
in a pose. Like, chasing
their tail, (Demonstrates) or,
uh,
jumping to catch a frisbee.
Chandler:
Joey, if I go
first, I wanna be looking for my
keys.
Ronni:
That's a good one!
(Joey's dad enters.)
Mr.
Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.
Joey:
Dad, Ronni's here.
Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?
Ronni: Hi.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're
what're
you doing here?
Ronni:
Oh,
uh,
well,
you
left
your
good
hair
at
my
apartment, I figured you'd need it
tomorrow for your
meeting. (Hands him
the hair)
Mr. Tribbiani:
Thank you. Uh...
Chandler:
So, who's up for a big game of
Kerplunk
?
Ronni:
Look, I uh, I
shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get
going, I don't wanna miss the last
train.
Mr. Tribbiani:
I
don't want you taking that thing.
Ronni:
Oh, where'm I gonna
stay, here?
Joey:
Who-ah-ho.
Mr. Tribbiani:
We'll go to a
hotel.
Ronni:
(Shrugs) We'll
go to a hotel.
Season 1
Joey:
No you won't.
Ronni:
No we won't.
Joey:
If you go to a hotel
you'll be...doing stuff. I
want you
right here where I can keep an eye on
you.
Mr.
Tribbiani:
You're gonna keep an eye on
us?
Joey:
That's
right,
mister,
and
I
don't
care
how
old you
are, as long as you're under my roof you're
gonna
live
by
my
rules.
And
that
means
no
sleeping with your girlfriend.
Ronni:
Wow. He's strict.
Joey:
Now dad, you'll be in
my room, Ronni uh,
(Rachel goes up to
the door of their bathroom)
Rachel:
Chandler Bing? It's
time to see your thing.
(She opens the
door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey.
They both scream)
Joey:
(Runs out in a towel)
What's the matter with you?!
Rachel:
I thought it was
Chandler!
Chandler:
(Comes
out of his room) What? What?
Rachel:
You were supposed to
be in there so I could see
your thing!
Chandler:
Sorry, my my thing
was in there with me.
[Scene: Central
Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe:
But they don't see
all the wonderfulness that
I
see.
They
don't
see
all
the
good
stuff
and
all
the
sweet
stuff. They just think you're a little...
Roger:
What?
Phoebe:
Intense and creepy.
Roger: Oh.
Phoebe:
But I don't. Me,
Phoebe.
Roger:
Well, I'm not
I'm not at all surprised they feel
that
way.
Phoebe:
You're not?
See, that's why you're so great!
Roger:
Actually
it's,
it's
quite,
y'know,
typical
you can stay in Chandler's room.
Ronni:
Thanks. You're, uh,
you're a good kid.
Chandler:
C'mon,
I'll
show
you
to
my
room.
...That
sounds
so
weird
when
it's
not
followed by
Joey:
Okay. Now this is just
for tonight. Starting
tomorrow,
you
gotta
make
a
change.
This
has
gone on long enough.
Mr. Tribbiani:
What kinda
change?
Joey:
Well, either
you break it off with Ronni
Mr.
Tribbiani:
I can't do that!
Joey:
Then you gotta come
clean with Ma! This is
not right!
Mr. Tribbiani:
Yeah, but
this is
Joey:
I don't wanna
hear it! Now go to my room!
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and
Joey
are
sharing
the
sofabed
in
the
living
room.
Joey is restless.]
Chandler:
Hey, Kicky.
What're you doing?
Joey:
Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep
in my underwear.
Chandler:
Well, you're
gonna.
Joey:
I've been
thinking. Y'know, about how I'm
always
seeing girls on top of girls...
Chandler:
Are
they
end
to
end,
or
tall
like
pancakes?
Joey:
Y'know what I mean,
about how I'm always
going
out
with
all
these
women.
And
I
always
figured,
when
the
right
one
comes
along,
I'd
be
able
to
be
a
stand-up
guy
and
go
the
distance,
y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad,
thinking...
Chandler:
Hey,
you're not him. You're you. When
they
were
all
over
you
to
go
into
your
father's
pipe-fitting
business, did you cave?
Joey: No.
Chandler:
No.
You
decided
to
go
into
the
out-of-work actor business. Now that
wasn't easy,
but you did it! And I'd
like to believe that when the
right
woman
comes
along,
you
will
have
the
courage
and
the
guts
to
say
thanks,
I'm
married.
Joey:
You
really think so?
Chandler:
Yeah. I really do.
Joey:
Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
Chandler:
Get off!
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's,
morning. Someone
knocks on the door and
Monica gets it.]
Ronni: Hi.
Monica:
Hi...May I help you?
Ronni:
Yeah,
uh,
Joey
said
I
could
use
your
shower, since, uh,
Chandler's in ours?
Monica:
Okay...who are you?
Ronni:
Oh,
I'm
Ronni.
Ronni
Rappelano?
The
mistress?
Monica:
Oh, c'mon in.
Ronni:
Thanks.
Rachel:
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Ronni: Hi.
Rachel:
Bathroom's up there.
Ronni:
Great.
Rachel:
Hey, listen, Ronni,
how long
would you
say
Chandler's been in the shower?
Ronni:
Oh, like, uh, five
minutes?
Rachel:
Perfect.
Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee
time.
(She
goes
into
Joey
and
Chandler's
apartment,
where
Mr.
Tribbiani
is
reading
the
paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
Mr. Tribbiani:
Hey. Morning,
dear.
All:
Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica:
How's it going?
Phoebe:
Good. Oh oh! Roger's
having a dinner thing and
he wanted me
to invite you guys.
(Chandler laughs)
Phoebe:
So what's going on?
Monica:
Nothing, um, it's
just, um... It's Roger.
Ross:
I dunno, there's just
something about...
Chandler:
Basically we just feel that he's...
Rachel:
We hate that guy.
All:
Yeah. Hate him.
Ross:
We're sorry, Pheebs,
we're sorry.
Phoebe:
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay,
don't
you
think,
maybe,
though, it's just that he's so
perceptive that it freaks you
out?
All:
...No, we hate him.
Rachel:
We're sorry.
[Scene:
Chandler and
Joey's
apartment,
Joey
is trying to
turn the sofabed back into a sofa.
Someone knocks on the
door and it rears
up at him.]
Joey:
Ma!
What're you doing here?
Mrs.
Tribbiani:
I came to give you this
(Gives him a bag
of groceries) and
this. (Whacks him round the ear)
Joey:
Oww! Big ring!
Mrs. Tribbiani:
Why did you
have to fill your father's head
with
all
that
garbage
about
making
things
right?
Things
were fine the way
they were! There's chicken in there, put
it
away.
For
God's
sake,
Joey,
really.
(She
gives
the
sofabed
a tiny push and it folds away)
Joey:
Hold on, you-you knew?
Mrs.
Tribbiani:
Of
course
I
knew!
What
did
you
think?
Your
father is no James Bond. You should've heard some
of
his cover stories.
mean,
what is that? Please!
Joey:
So then how could you I mean, how could you?!
Mrs. Tribbiani:
Do you
remember how your father used
to
be?
Always
yelling,
always
yelling
nothing
made
him
happy,
nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not
those
stupid
little
ships
in
the
bottle,
nothing.
Now
he's
happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a
hobby.
Joey:
Ma, I don't
mean to be disrespectful, but... what the
hell are you talking about?! I mean,
what about you?
Mrs.
Tribbiani:
Me?
I'm
fine.
Look,
honey,
in
an
ideal
world, there'd be no
her, and your father would look like
Sting.
And
I'll
tell
you
something
else.
Ever
since
that
poodle-stuffer
came
along,
he's
been
so
ashamed
of
himself
that
he's
been
more
attentive,
he's
been
more
loving... I mean, it's like every day's
our anniversary.
Joey:
I'm...happy...for you?
Mrs.
Tribbiani:
Well don't be, because now
everything's
screwed up. I just want it
the way it was.
Joey:
Ma,
I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.
Mrs. Tribbiani:
I know you
did, cookie. Oh, I know you
did. So
tell me. Did you see her?
Joey:
Yeah. You're ten times
prettier than she is.
Mrs.
Tribbiani:
That's sweet. Could I take
her?
Joey:
With this ring?
(Her engagement ring.) No contest.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there
with Roger.]
Roger:
What's
wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe:
Nothing, nothing.
Roger:
Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She
lies
down and rests her head in his
lap)
Phoebe:
It's, I mean,
it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends.
They-they have a liking problem with
you. In that, um, they
don't.
Roger:
Oh. They don't.
27 of 56 Pages
behaviour
when
you
have
this
kind
of
dysfunctional
group
dynamic.
Y'know,
this
kind
of
co-dependant,
emotionally
stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house
with your stupid
big
cups
which,
I'm
sorry,
might
as
well
have
nipples
on
them,
and
you're
like
all
'Oh,
define me! Define me!
Love me, I need love!'.
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone
in on the new developments.]
Monica:
So you talked to
your dad, huh.
Joey:
Yeah.
He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like
she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending
she doesn't
know even though she does,
and my little sister Tina
can't
see
her
husband
any
more
because
he
got
a
restraining
order...which
has
nothing
to
do
with
anything
except that I found out today.
Rachel:
Wow.
Chandler:
Things sure
have changed here on Waltons
mountain.
Ross:
So Joey, you okay?
Joey:
Yeah, I guess. It's
just parents, after a certain
point,
you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've
gotta let them make their own mistakes.
Rachel:
Just think, in a
couple of years we get to turn
into
them.
Chandler:
If I turn
into my parents, I'll either be an
alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-
year-old boys, or...
I'll end up like
my mom.
Phoebe:
(entering)
Hey.
All:
Hey, Pheebs.
Monica:
How's it going?
Phoebe:
Oh, okay, except I
broke up with Roger.
All:
Awww.
Phoebe:
Yeah, right.
All:
Aaawwwwww!!
Rachel:
What happened?
Phoebe:
I don't know, I
mean, he's
a good person,
and he can be really sweet, and in some
ways I think
he is so right for me,
it's just... I hate that guy!
Closing
Credits
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's.
Phoebe
is
reading
the
paper and Joey enters.]
Phoebe:
Hey, Joey. What's
going on?
Joey:
Clear the
tracks for the boobie payback express.
Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into
the bathroom.
We hear a scream and he
comes out, closely followed
by Monica
in a towel)
Monica:
Joey!!
What the hell were you doing?!
Joey:
Sorry. Wrong boobies.
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering
Chandler and Joey's
apartment. She
sneaks up to the shower door)
Monica:
Hello, Joey.
(She whips back the curtain to reveal
Joey's dad)
Mr.
Tribbiani:
Oh!
...Hello,
dear.
(She
whips
the
curtain shut in horror)
End
114 The One
With the Candy Hearts
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a
beautiful woman
at the counter, and
Joey and Chandler are egging him
on to
go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
Joey:
I'm tellin' you Ross,
she wants you.
Ross:
She
barely knows me. We just live in the same
building.
Chandler:
Any contact?
Ross:
She lent me an egg
once.
Joey:
You're in!
Ross:
Aw, right.
Woman:
Hi, Ross.
Ross:
Hey. (stutters
something incoherent)
Chandler:
Come on, Ross, you
gotta get back in
the
game
here,
ok?
The
Rachel
thing's
not
happening, your ex-wife
is a lesbian
—
I don't think
we need a third...
Joey:
Excuse me, could we
get an egg over here,
still in the
shell? Thanks.
Ross:
An egg?
Joey:
Yeah, you're gonna go
up to her and say,
Chandler:
I think
it's winning.
Ross:
I think
it's insane.
Chandler:
She'll
love
it.
Go
with
the
egg,
my
friend.
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in
hand.)
Joey:
Think it'll
work?
Chandler:
No, it's
suicide. The man's got an egg.
Opening
Credits
[Scene:
Central
Perk,
Monica,
Rachel,
Phoebe,
Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still
talking to the
beautiful woman.]
Monica:
You can not do this.
Rachel:
Do what, do what?
Monica:
Roger
wants
to
take
her
out
tomorrow
night.
Rachel:
No! Phoebes! Don't you
remember why
you dumped the guy?
Phoebe:
'Cause he was
creepy, and mean, and a
little
frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a
date on Valentine's Day!
Monica:
But
Phoebe,
you
can
go
out
with
a
creepy guy any night of
the year. I know I do.
Rachel:
Well, what are you
guys doing tomorrow
night?
Joey:
Actually, tomorrow
night kinda depends on
how tonight
goes.
Chandler:
Oh, uh,
listen, about tonight...
Joey:
No, no, no, don't you
dare bail on me. The
only reason she's
goin' out with me is because I
said I
could bring a friend for her friend.
Chandler:
Yes, I know, but
her friend sounds like
such a...
Joey:
Pathetic mess? I know,
but
—
come on, man,
she's
needy,
she's
vulnerable.
I'm
thinkin',
cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at
Joey. He picks it
up and eats it.)
Thanks. Look, you have not been
out
with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.
Ross:
Hi. She said yes.
Chandler:
Yes!
Way
to
go,
man!
(Chandler
and
Ross
hug.
Something
crunches
in
Ross'
shirt
pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler
are there,
waiting for their dates to
show up.]
Joey:
(Looking
at
himself
in
the
reflection
on
a
knife) How do I look?
Chandler:
Oh, uh, I...
don't... care. (Joey's date
shows
up)
Ok,
now,
remember,
no
trading.
You
get
the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine:
Hi,
Joey.
Well
well,
look
what
you
brought. Very nice.
Chandler:
...And what did
you bring?
Lorraine:
She's
checking
the
coats.
Joey,
I'm
gonna go wash the cab
smell off
my hands. Will
you
get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red
for Janice.
Chandler:
Janice?
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes
his head as though
to say, 'It can't be
the same Janice.' Janice enters.)
Janice:
Oh.... my.... God.
Chandler:
(angrily) Hey,
it's Janice.
[Scene: The bathroom at
the restaurant, Chandler
and Joey are
talking.]
Chandler:
Ok, I'm
makin' a break for it, I'm goin'
out
the window.
Joey:
No, no, no, don't!
I've been waitin' for like,
forever to
go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.
Chandler:
Calm down? Calm
down? You set me
up with the woman that
I've dumped twice in the
last five
months!
Joey:
(at the
urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're
makin' me nervous, and I can't go when
I'm nervous.
Chandler:
I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right
behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come
on, do it, do it, go,
come on!!!
[Scene:
Monica
and
Rachel's,
the
girls
are
all
there,
discussing their bad
luck with men.]
Rachel:
Ok,
ok,
Roger
was
creepy,
but
he
was
nothing
compared to Pete Carney.
Monica:
Which one was Pete
Carney?
Rachel:
Pete the
Weeper? Remember that guy who used
to
cry every time we had sex. (imitating)
you?
Monica:
Yeah,
well,
I'll take a little crying any day
over
Howard-
the-
out with the guy for two
months
—
I didn't get to win
once.
Rachel:
How did we end
up with these jerks? We're good
people!
Monica:
I don't know. Maybe
we're some kinda magnets.
Phoebe:
I know I
am. That's why I can't wear a digital
watch.
Monica:
There's more beer, right?
Phoebe:
Oh! You know my
friend Abby
who shaves her
head? She said that if you want to
break the bad boyfriend
cycle, you can
do like a cleansing ritual.
Rachel:
Pheebes, this woman
is voluntarily bald.
Phoebe:
Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.
It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Monica:
Ok, well, what kind
of ritual?
Phoebe:
Ok. We
can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave
us.
Rachel: Or?
Phoebe:
Or...or we can chant
and dance around naked,
you know, with
sticks.
Monica:
Burning's
good.
Rachel:
Burning's
good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
[Scene:
The
Restaurant,
Joey,
Lorraine,
Chandler,
and
Janice are at the table.
Joey and Lorraine are seated very
close, Chandler and Janice have backed
their chairs away
from one another.]
Lorraine:
You know, ever
since I was little, I've been able
to
pick up quarters with my toes.
Joey:
Good for you. (jumps
suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls
of
quarters?
Janice:
By
the
way,
Chandler.
I
cut
you
out
of
all
my
pictures.
So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Chandler:
That's OK.
Janice:
Oh, are you sure?
Really? Because you know, you
could
make little puppets out of them, and you could use
them in your theater of cruelty.
(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)
Joey:
(to Lorraine) We can't
do that.
Chandler:
(disgusted) What? What can't you do?
Joey:
Uh, can I talk to you
for a second, over there?
(Chandler and
Joey leave the table.)
Joey:
Uh, we might be leaving now.
Chandler:
Tell me it's
Joey:
She said she wants to
slather my body with stuff and
then
lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is,
but I
definitely want to be a part of
it.
Chandler:
Ok, you can
not do this to me.
Joey:
You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
Lorraine:
(to
waiter)
Uh,
can
we
have
three
chocolate
mousses to go
please?
Joey:
I'm outta
here. Here's
my credit card. Dinner's
on
me. I'm sorry, Chandler.
Chandler:
I hope she throws
up on you.
(Joey leaves with Lorraine.
Chandler sits
back down with
Janice.)
Chandler: So...
Janice:
Just us.
Chandler:
Oh, what a crappy
night!
Janice:
Although,
I
have
enjoyed
the
fact
that,
uh
your
shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper
ever since you came
back from the
bathroom.
Chandler:
Excuse me. (gets
up, jumps up and down while
he zips his
zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya
doin'?
Janice:
So, do we have the best friends or what?
Chandler:
Joey's not a
friend. He's...a stupid man who left
28
of 56 Pages
Season 1
us his
credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big
screen TV?
Janice:
I will go for that
drink.
Chandler:
You got it.
Good woman! (the waiter turns
around,
it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most
overpriced champagne?
Janice: Each.
Chandler:
That's right,
each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy.
(to Janice)
I've always wanted to know...
[Scene:
Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and
finds someone else's hand on his chest.
He rolls over
and is shocked to see
Janice there.]
Janice:
Happy
Valentine's Day!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying
to get Janice
out of his apartment.]
Janice:
Oh, I miss you
already. Can you believe this
happened?
Chandler:
No... no! And yet
it did. Good-bye, Janice.
Janice:
Kiss me!
(Janice
kisses
him.
Monica
comes
out
for
the
newspaper.}
Monica:
Oh, Chandler, sorry.
(Janice turns around, Monica sees who
it is.)
Monica:
Ohhh,
Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.
Janice:
Hi, Monica.
Chandler:
Ok, well, this was
very special.
Monica:
Rach,
come see who's out here!
(Rachel comes
out.)
Rachel:
Oh my god.
Janice, hi!
Chandler:
Janice
is gonna go away now.
Monica:
I'll be right back.
(Joey enters from the stairs.)
Rachel:
Oh, Joey, look who
it is.
Joey:
(in disbelief)
Whoa.
Chandler:
Oh, good,
Joey's home now.
Janice:
This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the
hall.
(Monica comes out with her
cordless phone.)
Monica:
Oh,
hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want
you
to
say
hi
to.
(to
Chandler)
He
just
happened
to
call.
Janice:
Hi, Ross. Yes, it's
me. How did you know? (she
laughs
obnoxiously)
[Scene:
A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there
with his
date.]
Ross:
I'm just sayin' if
dogs do experience jet lag, then,
because
of
the
whole
um,
seven
dog
years
to
one
human
year
thing,
then,
when
a
dog
flies
from
New
York to
Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours,
he loses like a week and a half.
(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a
face like 'Why
did
I
just
say
that?'
Ross'
ex-wife,
Carol,
and
her
lesbian lover, Susan, enter the
restaurant. Ross stares
at them.)
Kristin:
That's funny. Who
are they?
Ross:
The
blond
woman
is
my
ex-wife,
and
the
woman
touching her is her... close, personal friend.
Kristin:
You mean they're
lovers.
Ross:
If you wanna
put a label on it.
Kristin:
Wow, uh, anything else I should know?
Ross:
Nope, nope, that's it.
(Carol
takes
off
her
jacket,
her
pregnant
belly
is
exposed.)
Ross:
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always
forget that part. (to Carol and Susan)
Helloo!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
the girls are holding their
boyfriend
bonfire.]
Phoebe:
Ok, so now
we need, um sage branches and
the
sacramental wine.
Monica:
All I have is, is oregano and a
Fresca
.
Phoebe:
Um, that's ok!
(throws it in fire) Ok. All right.
Now
we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel:
Ok, Pheebs, you know
what, if we had that,
we wouldn't be
doing the ritual in the first place.
Monica:
Can we just start
throwing things in?
Phoebe:
Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in)
Oh, OK.
Rachel:
(tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters.
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