-
Scene: Hospital
Jay: Do we know
anything?
Mitchell: Oh, no, they’re in
there now with the doctor. We’re lucky, though
–
the paramedics said it
could’ve been a lot worse.
Jay: My god, how did this even happen?
Scene: A few hours earlier at Claire &
Phil’s h
ouse
Phil: There he
is! Big day’s coming up. What do you want for your
birthday, big god?
Luke:
It’s okay; I’m good.
Phil:
Come on. The sky’s the limit. Dream big, my
boy.
Luke: Well, I guess I
could use a belt.
Claire: A belt?
Luke: Yeah, you’re right. I don’t need
it. The extension cord works pretty
good.
(Commentary)
Phil: Every year, Luke’s birthday falls
right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in
the holiday shuffle.
Claire:
Yeah, one year we forgot completely and we had to
improvise a cake of stuffing.
Phil:
Which, by the way, he was fine with. He’s one of
those kids: you get him a gift and all he want to
do is play with the
box.
Claire: Yeah, one year we actually
just… got him a box. A really nice box.
Phil: And we made the mistake of
putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he
played with the gift bag.
Phil: …We
can’t get it right.
Claire:
No.
(Cut back to scene)
Phil: I feel terrible.
Claire: Oh…
Phil:
We’ve got to do something.
Claire: Yeah… Um, well, you know the
family is gonna be together for
Thanksgiving for the first time in
I-
don’t
-even-know-
how-
long, so…
Phil: I am so with you. We should blow
this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of
all time.
Claire: Yes! Yes, we’ll order
a whole bunch of pizzas and, and then set up an
arts and cr
afts table.
Phil:
A what?
Claire: Y-
yeah, a
crafts table! You know, everybody… gathers around
and they make stuff and then bam! They’ve got
their own party favou
r.
Phil:
(snorts)
Sorry, I fell asleep while you were
describing the most boring party ever.
(gets hit by Claire)
Ow!
Scene: Cameron & Mitchell’s
house
Cameron: See you in a
few hours.
Phil: Yeah. Thanks again
karaoke machine. I’ll give it back to you right
after the party.
Cameron:
That’ll be great.
Mitchell:
(whispers to Phil)
Please don’t. I beg you. Don’t… don’t
bring it back.
Phil:
(whispers back)
Oh.
Cameron: Hey Phil. Are, uh, you getting
a clown for today?
Phil: Oh… no. Luke,
uh, Luke’s not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: …Really?
Phil: Yeah, he never liked them.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has… has anyone? Really, so…
thanks again.
Cameron: See
you later.
(after Phil is
gone)
No clown? No… no
clown?
Mitchell: Let it go.
Cameron: Who throws a party without a
clown?
Mitchell: Since the later 30s,
I’d say most people.
Cameron: You
know what? We
haven’t gotten Luke a present yet. Maybe a clown
could be our present.
Mitchell: Cameron, Cameron… If Phil and
Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would
have. But this is not our party.
Cameron: But-
Mitchell: This
is not. Our. Party.
Cam
eron:
But I ju… fine. What would you suggest we get him
then?
Mitchell: Mhhh, get
him a gift card.
Cameron: …A gift
card?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Who hurt you?
Scene: Jay & Gloria’s house
Jay: Hey Gloria, you got any idea how
to wrap one of these things?
Gloria: Is
that a crossbow?
Jay: Yeah. Am I the
greatest grandpa in the world or what?
Gloria: We can’t give Luke a crossbow.
He pokes himself in the eye everytime he uses a
straw.
Jay: Are you kidding?
I used to have one when I was his age. My dad used
to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.
Gloria: And I used to have a machete.
But times have changed.
Jay: He’ll be
fine. I’ll teach him how to use it.
(Manny enters)
Hey pal. How’s it going?
Manny: Am I charming?
Jay:
Oh boy…
Gloria: Of course
you’re
charming! Who said you were not
charming?
Manny: No one. But there is a
girl at my school and I want her to like me. I
need your advice, Jay.
Jay: Really?
Manny: She’s gonna be at Luke’s
party.
Jay: Well, I’m… a
little thrown. I mean, you don’t usually
com
e to me for advice.
Manny: Well, this is one area in which
you’ve done pretty well.
Gloria: He has a point.
Manny: I’ve tried everything to get her
attention: opening doors, having her milk sent
over in the cafeteria… but nothing’s
w
orked.
Jay: Here’s the
deal: girl’s don’t go for all that romantic stuff.
They go for power and success, and sine you don’t
have either one of those
things, you’re gonna be the funny
guy.
Scene: Claire & Phil’s
house
Phil: No, no. No, no,
no. I want the most dangerous reptile
yo
u’ve got.
Tanya: I have an iguana that, uh, eats
crickets.
Phil: That would be scary if
it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously.
Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is
there anything
that scares the coocoo
out of you?
Tanya: Um, not really. I do
have a bearded dragon.
Phil: Oooh. Does
it-
Tanya: No, it does not breathe
fire.
Phil: Well then, we’re back to
square one, aren’t we?
(Commentary)
Cameron: I couldn’t get Luke out of my
mind. I know I made a promise to Mitchell, but…
some things
are bigger than promises.
Fizbo would
be at that party.
(looks in mirror after applying make-
up)
Hello, old friend.
Scene: Hospital
Hayley: It
all happened so fast.
Jay: I keep
thinking there is something I could’ve
done.
Mitchell: No, don’t
blame yourself. Who could’ve possibly seen that
coming?
Scene: A few hours
earlier outside Claire & Phil’s house
Claire: Sweety, that’s a rock wall. Is
that even safe? Oh my god.
Phil: Honey, relax.
(to guy
setting up rock wall)
Hey, has anyone
ever gotten hurt on one of these things?
Guy: I dunno, man. It’s my first
day.
Phil: See? They
wouldn’t let the new guy do it if it
was
-
Claire: That did not
make me feel better.
Phil: Don’t worry.
I signed, like, a hundred releases.
Claire: When did we decide all this? I…
I think it’s too much.
Phil:
See, I knew you’d say that. That’s why I didn’t
tell you, so just relax. Grab a snow
cone.
Claire: There’s a snow
cone machine?
Phil: Yeah.
Hayley: Mom, just so you know, Dylan
can’t have mayonnaise.
Claire: That’s random. Why are
yo
u telling me that?
Hayley:
Uh, ’cause he’s coming to the party?
Claire; Is that absolutely necessary?
Hayley: W-
Alex: Yes,
because she can’t go ten minutes withouut her
boyfriend’s tongue in her mouth. It’s like he’s
feeding a baby bird.
Hayley:
Mhhh, don
’t be so jealous. I’m sure
you’ll meet someone super
-hot at
computer camp.
Claire: Girls.
Phil: Hey, hey
… (girls
leave)
So, what’cha got
there?
Claire: Oh, these are
supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured
out what we’re gonna be making.
Phil: Kid
s bored? Haha, I’m
teasing, I’m teasing. It looks good. What is
it?
Claire: Comb sheaths. I
know, I know… but we made them when I was eleven
years old at Donna Rigby’s birthday party. At
first
we thought
it was
really stupid, and then we had a blast,
so…
Phil: How could you not?
You combined the two things that kids love the
most: combs and sheaths.
(Claire walks
off)
I’m kidding!
(Commentary)
Claire: Where’s my comb? Ah ha, here it
is! In my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath
that I made at Luke’s aw
esome birthday
party.
Hole in one, Mrs Dunphy. Hole in
one.
Scene: Cameron & Mitchell’s
house
Mitchell: I’m home! I
got Luke a video game, but it’s about math, so… I
guess we’re those kind of uncles. Cam?
Cameron:
(enters in a clown
outfit)
Don’t be
mad.
M
itchell:
Oh… Cam…
(sighs)
(Commentary)
Cameron: I’ve known I wanted to be a
clown since I found out clowns are just people
with make
-up. Um, as a matter of fact,
by the time
I was a teenager, if I
wasn’t in school or fishing, I was clowning. There
are four
types of clowns: a tramp, an
Auguste, a whiteface and a
character. I
am a classically-trained Auguste clown named
Fizbo. What?
Mitchell:
N-
nothing. Between the clowning and the
fishing, I’m surprised you had time for the
schooling.
(looks at
Cameron)
Ah,
and there’s
the fifth type: the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp… so
there’s still only four types.
(Cut back to scene)
Mitchell: Cam, I thought we discussed
this.
Cameron: We did, but I… I started
thinking that this isn’t about you or me. This
i
s about a little boy who deserves some
happiness.
Mitchell: And he’s gonna get
that from his weird, gay clown uncle?
Cameron: Fizbo is not gay; he’s
asexual.
Mitchell:
Ah…
Cameron: He’s an
innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy
and laughter and balloon animals. He’s… he’s the
least sexual being on
earth.
Mitchell: Ah. Oh, okay, well at least
we agree on something. Yeah.
Scene:
Birthday party at Claire & Phil’s house
Phil:
(while
taping)
If this tape is found in the
future, this is how we humans celebrated
birthdays.
Luke:
(sliding
down)
Hey dad!
Phil: Yeah,
there’s my boy. Zipline, extreme
-
(gets knocked over by
Luke)
Oof! I’m okay, I’m good, I’m good.
Lesson learned: don’t stand…
don’t
stand there. Let’s go and rope this area off.
Excellent, thank
you! Hey buddy. You
having fun?
Luke: Yeah! And I love my
new belt.
Claire: Hey Luke! Luke, do
you wanna make a comb sheath?
Luke: A
what?
Claire: It’s a cool leather
holder for your comb, and you can decorate it.
I’ve got beads and, and all kinds of
stuff
. Do you want to?
Luke:
Nah. I’m gonna do rock wall.
(walks off)
Claire: Okay honey. It’s your
day!
Phil: Honey, let me
know if you get low on supplies; I’ll make a quick
round back to the 1950s for you.
(gets knocked over by girl sliding
down)
Again?!
Ser
iously! Zipline guys, just… some
ropes.
Scene: Cameron &
Mitchell’s car
Cameron: Did
you remember to switch the lights to the dryer?
Mitchell: Ugh. No, I forgot.
Cameron: They’re gonna smell
musty.
Mitchell: I know; I’m
sorry.
(stops at gas
station)
Camero
n:
I’ll pump.
Mitchell: No. No,
I’ll do it. You stay right here. Relax.
Cameron: Oh, I get it. You’re worried
about people seeing me.
Mitchell: Without question.
Cameron: You know, people are gonna
stare ’cause they’re not used to seeing one clown
in a car
.
Scene: Luke’s
birthday party
Manny: That’s
her. Bianca Douglas.
Gloria:
She’s so cute.
Manny: She
has good handwriting. She’s the complete package.
Wish me luck.
Jay: You don’t
need luck. You just remember those jokes I told
you.
Manny:
(walks up to Bianca)
We have
to stop meeting like this.
Bianca:
What?