-
Putting in a Good Word for Guilt
Ellen
Goodman
[Lead
in
]
There
are
two
attitudes
toward
the
sense
of
guilt:
one
is
to
eliminate
i
t
in
order
to
live
comfortably,
which
is
usually
advocated
by
most
psyc
hologists
to
maintain
so
called
mental
health;
the
other
is
to
keep
it,
s
o
that
our
behavior
can
be
modified
under
the
influence
of
conscience.
The
author
analyzes
the
nature
and
function
of
guilt
in
the
deepest
le
vel
and
thinks
that
this
worst
emotion
actually
helps
bring
out
the
best
in
us,
while,
on
the
contrary,
the
lack
of
guilt
is
to
be
questioned.
[1]
Feeling
guilty
is
nothing
to
feel
guilty
about.
Yes,
guilt
can
be
the
excess
baggage
that
keeps
us
paralyzed
unless
we
dump
it.
But
it
ca
n
also
be
the
engine
that
fuels
us.
Yes,
it
can
be
a
self
punishing
acti
vity,
but
it
can
also
be
the
conscience
that
keeps
us
civilized.
[2]
Not
too
long
ago
I
wrote
a
story
about
that
amusing
couple
Guilt
and
the
Working
Mother.
I'll
tell
you
more
about
that
later.
Through
th
e
mail
someone
sent
me
a
gift
coffee
mug
carryi
ng
the
message
ga
ve
up
guilt
for
Lent.
[3]
My
first
reaction
was
to
giggle.
But
then
it
occurred
to
me
that
thi
s
particular
Lent
has
been
too
lengthy.
For
the
past
decade
or
more,
t
he
pop
psychologists
who
use
book
jackets
rather
than
couches
all
wer
e
busy
telling
us
that
I
am
okay,
you
are
okay
and
whatever
we
do
is
okay.
[4]
In
most
of
their
books,
guilt
was
given
a
bad
name
-
or
rather,
a
n
assortment
of
bad
names.
It
was
a
(1)
Puritan,
(2)
Jewish
or
(3)
Ca
tholic
hangover
from
our
(1)
parents,
(2)
culture
or
(3)
religion.
To
be
truly
liberated
was
to
be
free
of
guilt
about
being
rich,
powerful,
num
ber
one,
bad
to
your
mother,
thoughtless,
late,
a
smoker,
or
about
che
ating
on
your
spouse.
[5]
There
was
a
popular
notion,
in
fact,
that
self
-love
began
by
slaying
one's
guilt.
People
all
around
us
spent
a
great
portion
of
the
last
dec
ade
trying
to
tune
out
guilt
instead
of
decoding
its
message
and
learni
ng
what
it
was
trying
to
tell
us.
[6]
With
that
sort
of
success,
guilt
was
ripe
for
revival.
Somewhere
a
lo
ng
the
I'm-okay-you're-okay
way,
many
of
us
realized
that,
in
fact,
I
a
m
not
always
okay
and
neither
are
you.
Furthermore,
we
did
not
want
to
join
the
legions
who
conquered
their
guilt
en
route
to
new
depths
of
narcissistic
rottenness.
[7]
At
the
deepest,
most
devastating
level,
guilt
is
the
criminal
in
us
t
hat
longs
to
be
caught.
It
is
the
horrible,
pit-of-the-stomach
sense
of
having
done
wrong.
It
is,
as
Lady
Macbeth
obsessively
knew,
the
spot
that
no
one
else
may
see...and
we
can't
see
around.
[8]
To
be
without
guilt
is
to
be
without
a
conscience.
Guilt
-free
people
don't
feel
bad
when
they
cause
pain
to
others,
and
so
they
go
on
gu
ilt-freely
causing
more
pain.
The
last
thing
we
need
more
of
is
less
co
nscience.
[9]
Freud
once
said,
regards
conscience,
God
has
done
an
uneven
and
careless
piece
of
work,
for
a
large
majority
of
men
have
brought
along
with
them
only
a
modest
amount
of
it,
or
scarcely
enough
to
be
worth
mentioning.
[10]
Now,
I
am
not
suggesting
that
we
all
sign
up
for
a
new
guilt
trip.
But
there
has
to
be
some
line
between
the
accusation
that
we
all
sho
uld
feel
guilty
for,
say,
poverty
or
racism
and
the
assertion
that
the
o
ppressed
have
their
lot
in
life.
[11]
There
has
to
be
something
between
Puritanism
and
hedonism.
The
re
has
to
be
something
between
the
parents
who
guilt-trip
their
childre
n
across
every
stage
of
life
and
those
who
offer
no
guidance,
no
-gulp-
moral
or
ethical
point
of
view.
[12]
At
quite
regular
intervals,
for
example,
my
daughter
looks
up
at
me
in
the
midst
of
a
discussion
(she
would
call
it
a
lecture)
and
says:
making
me
feel
guilty.
For
a
long
time
this
made
me,
in
turn,
feel
guilty.
But
now
I
realize
that
I
am
doing
precisely
what
I
am
su
pposed
to
be
doing:
instilling
in
her
a
sense
of
right
and
wron
g
so
tha
t
she
will
feel
uncomfortable
if
she
behaves
in
hurtful
ways.
[13]
This
is,
of
course,
a
very
tricky
business.
Guilt
is
ultimately
the
w
ay
we
judge
ourselves.
It
is
the
part
of
us
that
says,
deserve
to
be
punished.
But
we
all
know
people
who
feel
guilty
just
for
being
alive.
We
know
people
who
are
paralyzed
by
irrational
guilt.
And
we
certainl
y
don't
want
to
be
among
them,
or
to
shepherd
our
children
into
their
flock.
[14]
But
it
seems
to
me
that
the
trick
isn't
to
become
flaccidly
nonjud
gemental,
but
to
figure
out
whether
we
are
being
fair
judges
of
oursel
ves.
Karl
Menninger
once
wrote
that
one
aim
of
psychiatric
treatment
i
sn't
to
get
rid
of
guilt
but
get
people's
guilt
feelings
attached
to
t
he
'right'
things.
[15]
In
his
book
Feelings,
Willard
Gaylin
quotes
a
Reverend
Tillotson's
definition
of
guilt
as
else
but
trouble
arising
in
our
mind
from
our
consciousness
of
having
done
contrary
to
what
we
are
verily
pers
uaded
was
our
Duty.
[16]
We
may,
however,
have
wildly
different
senses
of
duty.
I
had
lunc
h
with
two
friends
a
month
ago
when
they
both
started
talking
about
f
eeling
guilty
for
neglecting
their
mothers.
One,
it
turned
out,
worried
t
hat
she
didn't
call
every
day;
the
other
hadn't
even
chatted
wit
h
her
mother
since
Christmas.
[17]
We
are
also
particularly
vulnerable
to
feelings
of
duty
in
a
time
o
f
change.
Today
an
older
and
ingrained
sense
of
what
we
should
do
m
ay
conflict
with
a
new
one.
In
the
gaps
that
open
between
what
we
o
nce
were
taught,
and
what
we
now
believe,
grows
a
rich
crop
of
guilt.
[18]
Mothers
now
often
tell
me
that
they
feel
guilty
if
they
are
workin
g
and
guilty
if
they
aren't.
One
set
of
older
expectations,
to
be
a
perf
ect
milk-and-
cookies
supermom,
conflicts
with
another,
to
be
an
indepe
ndent
woman
or
an
economic
helpmate.
[19]
But
duty
has
its
uses.
It
sets
us
down
at
the
typewriter,
hustles
us
to
the
job
on
a
morning
when
everything
has
gone
wrong,
pushes
us
toward
the
crying
baby
at
3
A.M.
[20]
If
guilt
is
a
struggle
between
our
acceptance
of
shoulds
and
shoul
d-nots,
it
is
a
powerful
and
intensely
human
one.
Gaylin
writes,
represents
the
noblest
and
most
painful
of
struggles.
It
is
between
us
and
ourselves.
It
is
better
to
struggle
with
ourselves
than
give
up
on
ourselves.
[21]
This
worst
emotion,
in
a
sense,
helps
bring
out
the
best
in
us.
T
he
desire
to
avoid
feeling
guilty
makes
us
avoid
the
worst
sort
of
beha
vior.
The
early
guilt
of
a
child,
who
has
hurt
a
younger
sister
or
broth
er,
even
when
no
one
else
knows,
is
a
message.
The
adult
who
ha
s
in
flicted
pain
on
an
innocent,
who
has
cheated,
lied,
stolen,
to
get
ahea
d
of
another
-
each
of
us
has
a
list
-wakes
up
in
the
middle
of
the
ni
ght
and
remembers
it.
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