-
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
Can
a
regimen
of
no
playdates,
no
TV
,
no
computer
games
and
hours
of
music
practice
create
happy kids? And what
happens when they fight back?
By AMY
CHUA
A
lot
of
people
wonder
how
Chinese
parents
raise
such
stereotypically
successful
kids.
They
wonder what these
parents do to produce so many
math
whizzes and music prodigies, what it's
like inside the family, and whether
they could do it too. Well, I can tell them,
because I've done it.
Here are some
things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never
allowed to do:
?
attend a sleepover
?
have a playdate
?
be
in a school play
?
complain about
not being in a school play
?
watch TV or
play computer games
?
choose their
own extracurricular activities
?
get any grade
less than an A
?
not be the No. 1 student in every
subject except gym and drama
?
play any
instrument other than the piano or violin
?
not
play the piano or violin.
I'm
using
the
term
mother
loosely.
I
know
some
Korean,
Indian, Jamaican,
Irish
and
Ghanaian parents who qualify too.
Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese
heritage, almost
always born in the
West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or
otherwise. I'm also using the
term
All the same,
even when Western parents think they're being
strict, they usually don't come close
to being Chinese mothers. For example,
my Western friends who consider themselves strict
make
their
children
practice
their
instruments
30
minutes
every
day.
An
hour
at
most.
For
a
Chinese
mother,
the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two
and three that get tough.
When
it
comes
to
parenting,
the
Chinese
seem
to
produce
children
who
display
academic
excellence, musical
mastery and professional success - or so the
stereotype goes. WSJ's Christina
Tsuei
speaks to two moms raised by Chinese immigrants
who share what it was like growing up
and how they hope to raise their
children.
Despite our
squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there
are tons of studies out there showing
marked and quantifiable differences
between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to
parenting.
In one study of 50 Western
American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers,
almost 70% of
the Western mothers said
either that
need
to
foster
the
idea
that
learning
is
fun.
By
contrast,
roughly
0%
of
the
Chinese
mothers felt the same way. Instead, the
vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that
they believe
their
children
can
be
best
students,
that
achievement
reflects
successful
parenting,
and
that
if
children
did
not
excel
at
school
then
there
was
problem
and
parents
not
doing
their
job.
Other
studies
indicate
that
compared
to
Western
parents,
Chinese
parents
spend
approximately
10
times
as
long
every
day
drilling
academic
activities
with
their
children. By contrast,
Western kids are more likely to participate in
sports teams.
What
Chinese
parents
understand
is
that
nothing
is
fun
until
you're
good
at
it.
To
get
good
at
anything
you
have
to
work,
and
children
on
their
own
never
want
to
work,
which
is
why
it
is
crucial
to
override
their
preferences.
This
often
requires
fortitude
on
the
part
of
the
parents
because the child
will resist; things are always hardest at the
beginning, which is where Western
parents
tend
to
give
up.
But
if
done
properly,
the
Chinese
strategy
produces
a
virtuous
circle.
Tenacious
practice,
practice,
practice
is
crucial
for
excellence;
rote
repetition
is
underrated
in
America.
Once
a
child
starts
to
excel
at
something
—
whether
it's
math,
piano,
pitching
or
ballet
—
he or she
gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This
builds confidence and makes the
once
not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier
for the parent to get the child to work even
more.
Chinese
parents
can
get
away
with
things
that
Western
parents
can't.
Once
when
I
was
young
—
maybe
more
than
once
—
when
I
was
extremely
disrespectful
to
my
mother,
my
father
angrily called me
deeply ashamed of what I had done. But
it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like
that. I
knew exactly how highly he
thought of me. I didn't actually think I was
worthless or feel like a
piece of
garbage.
From Ms. Chua's
album: 'Mean me with Lulu in hotel room... with
score taped to TV!'
As an adult, I once
did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage
in English when she acted
extremely
disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I
had done this at a dinner party, I
was
immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got
so upset she broke down in tears and
had to leave early. My friend Susan,
the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the
remaining guests.
The
fact
is
that
Chinese
parents
can
do
things
that
would
seem
unimaginable
—
even
legally
actionable
—
to
Westerners.
Chinese
mothers
can
say
to
their
daughters,
fatty<
/p>
—
lose
some
weight.
and never ever
mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up
in therapy for eating disorders
and
negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western
father toast his adult daughter by calling her
Chinese parents can order their kids to
get straight As. Western parents can only ask
their kids to
try their best. Chinese
parents can say,
By
contrast,
Western
parents
have
to
struggle
with
their
own
conflicted
feelings
about
achievement,
and
try
to
persuade
themselves
that
they're
not
disappointed
about
how
their
kids
turned out.
I've
thought long and hard about how Chinese parents
can get away with what they do. I think
there are three big differences between
the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.
First,
I've
noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious
about their children's self-esteem.
They worry about how their children
will feel if they fail at something, and they
constantly try to
reassure their
children about how good they are notwithstanding a
mediocre performance on a test
or
at
a
recital.
In
other
words,
Western
parents
are
concerned
about
their
children's
psyches.
Chinese
parents
aren't.
They
assume
strength,
not
fragility,
and
as
a
result
they
behave
very
differently.
For
example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on
a test, a Western parent will most likely
praise the child. The Chinese mother
will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If
the child
comes home with a B on the
test, some Western parents will still praise the
child. Other Western
parents will sit
their child down and express disapproval, but they
will be careful not to make their
child
feel
inadequate
or
insecure,
and
they
will
not
call
their
child
or
disgrace.
Privately,
the
Western
parents
may
worry
that
their
child
does
not
test
well
or
have
aptitude
in
the
subject
or
that
there
is
something
wrong
with
the
curriculum
and
possibly
the
whole school. If the child's grades do
not improve, they may eventually schedule a
meeting with
the school principal to
challenge the way the subject is being taught or
to call into question the
teacher's
credentials.
If
a
Chinese
child
gets
a
B
—
which
would
never
happen
—
there
would
first
be
a
screaming,
hair-tearing explosion. The devastated
Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe
hundreds of
practice tests and work
through them with her child for as long as it
takes to get the grade up to an
A.
Chinese parents
demand perfect grades because they believe that
their child can get them. If their
child doesn't get them, the Chinese
parent assumes it's because the child didn't work
hard enough.
That's why the solution to
substandard performance is always to excoriate,
punish and shame the
child. The Chinese
parent believes that their child will be strong
enough to take the shaming and
to
improve
from
it.
(And
when
Chinese
kids
do
excel,
there
is
plenty
of
ego-inflating
parental
praise lavished in
the privacy of the home.)
Second, Chinese parents believe that
their kids owe them everything. The reason for
this is a little
unclear, but it's
probably a combination of Confucian filial piety
and the fact that the parents have
sacrificed
and
done
so
much
for
their
children.
(And
it's
true
that
Chinese
mothers
get
in
the
trenches, putting in long grueling
hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating
and spying on
their
kids.)
Anyway,
the
understanding
is
that Chinese children
must
spend
their
lives
repaying
their parents by
obeying them and making them proud.