老友记第一季第三集剧本

The One With the Thumb

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do

this again!'

All: Ohh. Ouch.

Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will

never see me naked'.

Rachel: Since when?

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It

is you'.

Chandler:

Or

'You're

such

a

nice

guy'

means

'I'm

gonna

be

dating

leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

Phoebe: Or

, or

, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha,

I already am'.

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

（众所周知）

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to

sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our

dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross.

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they

had this unbelievable farm,

they

had

horses,

and,

and

rabbits

that he

could

chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler:

Joey:

. But you'll have to live with

the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.

Chandler: Hey, that was really good!

Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey:

Chandler:

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter

. He fumbles and drops the

lighter

. Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Relax your hand!

(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)

Chandler: Not so much!

Joey: Whoah!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.

(Joey tries and visibly winces.)

Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been

missing

from

your

hand.

When

you're

holding

it,

you

feel

right.

You

feel

complete.

Joey: Y'miss it?

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my..

God. (He continues to smoke.)

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's

thumb to the tip of his index finger

.

(The guys stretch out their fingers.)

Joey: That's ridiculous!

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?

Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts

handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced

tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits

down without saying hi.)

Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.

Monica: What did they do to you?

Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up

their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

Ross: Easy.

Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

（撒旦的人又开始活动了……）

Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know

what I'd hear

, with every step I took? 'Not- mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even

if

I

was

happy,

okay,

and,

and

skipping-

'Not-not-mine,

not-not-mine,

not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...

Monica: We're with you. We got it.

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)

Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant

karmic debt.

Rachel: Chandler

, what are you doing?

Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(Chandler

tries

to

shrug

nonchalantly

but

eventually

he

has

to

exhale

a

mouthful of smoke.)

All: Oh! Oh, God!

Ross: What is this?!

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!

Chandler: And this- is my reward!

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last

time you quit.

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

All: Ohhh! Put it out!

Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's

coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!

Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.

Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?

Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?

Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never

.

All: Oh, come on! Come on!

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler:

What

are

you

talking

about?

We

love

Schhteve!

Schhteve

was

schhexy!.. Sorry.

Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance

to figure that out.

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?

Monica: Nope. Schhorry.

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home,

and

within

five

minutes

they're

all

over

him.

I

mean,

they're

like-

coyotes,

picking off the weak members of the herd.

Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll

tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're

just looking out after you.

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually

liked.

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they

never get to meet the guy..

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is

absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.

Monica: Do you all promise?

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the

window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

(Phoebe

enters,

walks

to

the

couch,

sits

down,

and

begins

to

read

a

letter

without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error

. We have

credited

your

account

with

five

hundred

dollars.

We're

sorry

for

the

inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football

phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and

a football phone!

Rachel: What bank is this?

(The intercom buzzes.)

Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?

Alan: (on theintercom) It's Alan.

Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!

(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)

Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all

like me.

(She opens the door and Alan enters.)

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan: Hi.

All: Hi, Alan.

Alan: I've heard schho

（

so

）

much about all you guyschh!

（

guys

）

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay,

let's let the Alan- bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(Silence.)

Monica: C'mon!

Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't

do this, can't do this. We loved him.

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

All: Yeah!

Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger

.)

The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross: ...What shoe?

Phoebe:

From

the

nursery

rhyme.

'There

was

a

crooked

man,

Who

had

a

crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'

(Dubious pause.)

Ross: ...So

I

think

Alan

will

become

the

yardstick

against

which

all

future

boyfriends will be measured.

Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.

Monica: Really!

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone.

You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?

All: What?

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.

All: Yeah...

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler

, and Joey enter

dejectedly in softball gear

.]

Monica: Hi.. how was the game?

Ross: Well..

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!