-
Clive Bixby.
What a
sexy surprise.
Quick question.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because you--uh...
I'm gonna
come in again.
We are watching baby Joe
on Valentine's Day
so my dad and Gloria
can...
- Make love. - Ew. Don't.
The point is, we are celebrating a day
early.
So they can finally be intimate.
You've... more than made that point.
I'm just saying it's a long wait after
giving birth.
Six weeks.
I
couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long.
I can only imagine what Jay's going
through.
Voila.
Square knot.
Impressive.
I can make any kind of
knot.
It's like I have a sailor in my
mouth.
I should check on the kids.
Haley took 'em to a movie. She's not
even gonna answer.
I know, but,
sweetie, I have a good reason to worry.
Luke had that nasty nosebleed this
morning,
and Alex, as usual, fainted.
She's fine, and Dunphy men get
nosebleeds.
I
told you this when we got married. It was in my
vows.
I'm still a little unclear as to
why you put them in your vows--
Just
finish that drink, pretty lady.
We got
a big night ahead of us.
Okay.
First, we have a date with romance.
A threesome, if you will.
From here, we move on to an old-
fashioned blimpnic.
Now is that the one
where the man has to face out at the woman...
It's a picnic on a blimp.
Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful
city beneath us.
That actually sounds
really romantic.
After that, we swap
our earplugs for some earmuffs,
And
take a few moonlit turns around the local ice
rink.
From there, it's a quick trip
back to the hotel,
- where... - I'm
spinning.
Well, I wouldn't start with
that,
but, uh, we--we can work our way
up to it.
No. I'm feeling really weird.
Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what
you want.
Juliana?
Claire?
One of you needs to answer me.
Blood pressure's still good.
I think I can send you home.
Great. So it was probably just low
blood sugar or something?
See, honey? I told you it was nothing
to worry about.
Well, it's not nothing.
You did have a small heart episode.
Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault.
I think I was being... too sexy.
Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
You sure about that?
Um,
doctor, you're not saying that
I had a
heart attack or something, right?
Not
at all. What you have is a very minor arrhythmia,
known as wolff-parkinson-white
syndrome.
It's hereditary, so you're
off the hook.
Oh, yeah. My mom has
that.
We'll treat it with medication
and have you back in a couple of days.
In the meantime, just take it easy.
Okay. Thank you!
I guess we
should tell your dad
we can't watch the
baby tomorrow.
No. No.
I
don't want everyone to know about this.
They're just gonna get worried
and--and make a bigger deal of it than
it is.
Sweetheart, promise me?
I promise. I know it's not that big a
deal.
This is a huge deal...
for which I'm
partly responsible,
in spite of what
Claire's lesbian doctor says.
Hey,
honey, I was just reading about this wolff-white
thing.
It's not that serious. You're
gonna be fine.
I know.
Who's
ready to hit the ice?
- What? - Come
on.
Somebody promised me a moonlit
skate.
But didn't the doctor say you
needed to take it easy?
Oh, that's just
one of those things they have to say,
Like,
Come on. We're not
gonna seriously blow off valentine's day,
are we?
No. I just thought
why... ice things down
when we could
heat things up?
- Oh, I like where this
is going. - Right?
- Yes. - Yeah?
Ye--no!
Honey, I know what
you're doing.
You're treating me like a
patient,
- and you promised that you
wouldn't. - No.
No, no, no, no, no. I
just had a better idea.
What?
Side-by-side couples massage.
Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian
guys
to work us over good.
Specific.
What
is that?
You think the kids are home?
That sounds like more than our three.
They think we're not home, and they're
having a party.
- I'm killing them. -
No, no, no. No, no, no.
It's under
What the hell is going on?!
Dad? What are you doing home?
So this is how it is?
We're
gone for a minute, and you guys throw a party?
No!
Just texted mom we're
having a good time at the movies.
It
works every t--aah!
- So this is a
regular thing? - No!
You know the
drill. Coolers our b--aah--ack!
Enough!
Turn off the music!
Everybody who I did
not create, get out of my house right now!
I don't want to get upset.
I've been through enough tonight.
- What happened? - I'm not supposed to
tell you.
When you say it like that, we
make it worse in our head.
Fine. It's
no big deal.
Your mother had to go to
the hospital.
-
Oh, my god! - What?!
That is so much
worse than it would be in our heads!
She's fine. She just passed out a
little.
Something to do with her heart.
- Like a heart attack?! - Mom had a
heart attack?!
- Mom almost died of a
heart attack?! - No!
She had a little
episode, probably triggered by me.
She
just needs to rest.
For once, let's not
think about ourselves.
Phil, everything
okay?
Fine! I'm coming!
Just
act like everything's normal.
Oh, and
if, uh, two Cambodian guys show up,
Send them to our bedroom.
Kids had a few friends over.
I handled it.
So you're good
at handling things.
You like?
Me love, but is this appropriate
massage wear?
They were busy, which is
what we should be getting.
Honey.
Honey, are you sure this is okay for
your--aah!
Honey, are you sure this is
okay for your--aah!
Salty.
I
still have a few moves.
Mm, that's the
chips, sweetie.
- Oh, sorry. - Right.
Mom,
we need to talk to you.
Dad told us not
to say anything,
But we're really
worried about you.
- You told them?! -
No!
You had a heart attack?
- Phil! - That is not what I said.
Kids, everything is fine.
-
Call 9-1-1! - Oh, god!
Her heart
exploded!
Oh, my god! I did it again!
Phil, it's your nose!
This
is the one thing--
The one thing I ask
from you is not to make a big deal of this,
And you couldn't even do that.
Honey, you need to stay calm.
No, I don't, because I am fine.
We are all fine.
- Oh, god.
- Haley, revive your sister.
Not in the
mood for an apology, Phil.
Good, 'cause
you're not gettin' one.
I'm allowed to
worry about you.
Yeah, when there's
something to worry about.
But this was
nothing. I told you, my mom has this.
Which I just found out about today.
How has that not come up in 20 years?
I was...
getting to it.
Look, I know you feel
like
you have to be the rock for this
family
and worry about everybody's boy
problems and nosebleeds
And... who has
enough greens.
They're supposed to
cover half the plate.
Claire, stop it.
I'm saying you could let us take care
of you
every once in a while.
Like for example, when you clutch your
chest and collapse.
This house isn't
gonna crumble in the dust
if you let
yourself be vulnerable.
We don't know
that.
We could find out.
It
was kind of scary.
Of course.
- Until I knew what it was, and then--
- Don't ruin it.
I just have one more
question.
Did it hurt?
Well,
I blacked out before I--
When you fell
from heaven?
Nailed it.
Nailed it.
You just take
care of Claire. We got Joe.
Gloria?
Si, mi amor?
Happy valentine's--
Wait.
Wait. Wait. Time-out.
That was Phil.
They can't watch Joe today.
Claire was
in the emergency room last night.
- Is
she okay? - She's gonna be fine,
- But,
you know, she had a little bit-- - Okay, good.
I love how you look in this suit.
Let's see how it looks on the floor,
okay?
Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting
in one hour.
Ay, that's so cute that
after six weeks,
you think you're going
to need an hour!
Happy valentine's day!
It's the one time of the year
when the world tries to be as romantic
as I am all the time.
- Good luck,
world. - Get out.
Anyway, since you're
almost done dressing Jay...
How about
we head to school early?
I'll check my
hair and meet you in the car.
Gloria,
I'll be back in two hours, tops.
We
decide who does what when you come back.
I got a ticket running a red light...
So let's make this worth it. Put the
kid down.
I can't. He's being a real
Pritchett.
We need to come up with a
different term for that.
Watch.
Watch.
Okay, I used to have a TV got reception
like that.
Let me try. Hey, Joe Joe.
Hey buddy.
Guy to guy,
you're blocking me a little bit. You
know that.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do,
Joe.
Hey, how about a half-hour? What
do you say, pal? Huh?
Can you do it?
Attaboy!
I've never been
more attracted... to you.
Prove it.
- Are you kissing? - That's a bit of a
mood killer.
My daddies kiss a lot.
And flatlined.
Mitch and Cam
are having a party for valentine's.
Claire was supposed to take care of
her, but now she can't.
Lily, we're so
happy to have you here.
I have a big
surprise for you!
Look! A brand-new,
shiny TV remote!
Looks complicated.
Just keep hitting all those buttons
until something good happens.
Just keep
hitting all those buttons until something good
happens.
That's my plan, anyway.
Where were all these distractions
the night that Joe was conceived?
I'm kidding. He's a blessing.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm Harlan. I'm here to do your
baby proofing.
Jay, I've been waiting
for this appointment for weeks.
I've
waited longer for mine.
The human race
has survived for a thousand years
without these foam bumpers and--and
gates everywhere.
Hell, I used to drive
to the supermarket
with Mitchell and
Claire on the hood of the car.
When did
everybody get so overprotective?
Maybe
when kids started flying off cars.
How
long?
Normally I have help, but Dale,
uh...
You met Dale at the shop. He's a
tall guy.
- He's my sister's kid-- -
Hey, listen.
You and I are gonna bang
this out in about an hour.
Where do you
want it?
I know a lot of people think
that I'm attracted to Jay
because of
his money, but they're wrong.
I'm
attracted to him because he's sexy,
And
he's never been sexier than today.
The
suit...
The carrying of the boxes...
No, no. You listen to me.
You've had my wife's car four days.
Figure out what that screeching noise
is,
or you'll be making one yourself.
The yelling on the phone...