-
THE WEDDING STORY
by Julianne
Homokay
CHARACTERS
STORYTELLER,
a
storyteller.
A
soothing
presence.
Male
or
female,
doesn't
matter,
as
long
as
hugs are inspired.
BRIDE, the
GROOM, the
SCENE
A land
where grass is always green, the sun is always
shining, and fences are always white picket.
TIME
A sunny day in sunny June,
the height of the perfect wedding season. In
Vermont.
[Lights up on the STORYTELLER
reading from a leather-bound volume with gilded
pages.]
STORYTELL
ER:
(closing
the
volume)
The
End.
Good
night,
sleep
tight,
don’t
let
the
bedbugs
bite.
What? You want to hear another one? But it’s a
school night. Okay, okay, just this once. I’m
such a pushover. What type of story
shall we hear? (ad lib. if the audience yells out
suggestions)
How about a fairy tale for
our times? A field of dreams fenced in by white
picket, a story of the
young man and
woman we all hope to be someday? Too bad, that’s
what you’re getting.
(The
STORYTELLER
opens
the
volume
back
up.
Lights
up
on
BRIDE
and
GROOM
in
traditional garb standing on top of a
wedding cake.)
Once upon a time there
was a young woman, pretty as a day in June.
(The BRIDE does the royal wave.)
A young man stood by her side, smart as
a whip and handsome as a polo horse.
(The GROOM salutes.)
They
met in high school and fell in love on a merry day
in May.
(The BRIDE and GROOM whisper to
each other.)
Before long, the young man
dropped to his knee, pulled a diamond from his
pocket, and won the
young woman’s hand
in marriage.
BRIDE: Uh,
excuse us, Mr. Storyteller?
(The
STORYTELLER looks back at them, confused. The
BRIDE and GROOM smile and wave.
The
STORYTELLER waves back.)
STORYTELLER:
Moving right along. With the blessings of their
compatible
—
BRIDE: Mr. Storyteller!
STORYTELLER: Excuse me a moment. (to
BRIDE) Yes, what is it?
BRIDE: We
didn’t exactly meet in high school.
STORYTELLER: Yes you did, it says so
right here.
BRIDE: We met in a bar.
GROOM: And we dated on and off for five
years while she experimented with foreigners.
STORYTELLER: How nice. Well. For our
purposes, let’s say you met in high school, shall
we?
(back to the kids) So. With the
blessings of their compatible families, the young
man and woman
were to be Bride and
Groom.
BRIDE: (to GROOM) Wait a minute.
As I recall, you kept breaking it off.
GROOM: What?
BRIDE: Yeah.
Then you’d want me back the minute I had a new
boyfriend.
GROOM: You
certainly didn’t waste any time running into the
arms of the first guy who had an
accent.
STORYTELLER:
(to
BRIDE
and
GROOM)
Sssssh
.
Let’s
don’t
argue
in
front
of
the
impressionable
youngsters. (to children) The bride soon set in on
the wedding preparations.
BRIDE: (to
GROOM) I never realized you were a racist.
GROOM: I’m not, I was fine with the
fact you’d slept with black men.
BRIDE
:
You’re
assuming
that
“racism”
automatically
refers
to
African
-
Americans.
Isn’t
that
a
form of
racism itself?
STORYTELLER: Excuse me,
ma’am, sir, firmie those bouches so I can return
to the story thank
you.
GROOM: By all means. Don’t let anything
silly li
ke our issues get in your way.
STORYTELLER:
Look,
will
you
play
along?
The
children
will
have
ample
opportunity
to
be
disillusioned later, let’s just have a
nice bedtime story, okay? Okay. (to the children)
AS I WAS
SAYING
, the
preparations. They were to be married in a
beautiful church
—
GROOM: (under his breath) Drive-thru
chapel in Vegas.
STORYTELLER:
--followed by an elegant reception at an old inn
in Vermont .
BRIDE: (under her breath)
Back room at the Star Dust Lounge.
STORYTELLER: The bride put Martha
Stewart to shame as she had the evening designed
to the
last
detail
—
GROOM:
(to BRIDE) Ha! That really sounds like you.
STORYTELLER: --from the linen napkins
to the centerpieces of purple freesia and Italian
ruscus.
BRIDE: (to GROOM) I think he
was invite
d to someone else’s
wedding.
GROOM: And why is
he assuming the bride always has the taste? Does
it never occur to anyone
that the groom
might want to participate? I worked my way through
law school as a floral designer,
that’s
how I know freesia is all wro
ng for a
centerpiece, except maybe as an accent flower.
BRIDE: You were a floral designer?
GROOM: You need to base your
arrangement on a more substantial bloom, like a
lily or an orchid.
BRIDE: Brad, is
there something you want to tell me?
STORYTELLER: Actually, there is
something I want to tell these youngsters so they
can get to
bed at a decent hour. THE
STORY
.
BRIDE: Well huffy
huff huff.
STORYTELLER: SO, they had
their flawless reception for 300 guests at a turn-
of-the-century inn
in Vermont
—
BRIDE:
Yo
u know, we’re not from Vermont .
We’ve never even been to Vermont .
STORYTELLER: --at which all had a
delightful time.
GROOM: (to BRIDE) What
do you mean is there something I want to tell you?
STORYTELLER: Immediately following the
splendid reception
—
BRID
E: I mean, is there
something you haven’t been honest with me about?
With yourself about?
GROOM:
Like what?
STORYTELLER: The bride, at
the tender age of 24
—
(The GROOM laughs out loud.)
WHAT? WHAT’S SO FUNNY?
GROOM: She’s not even close to
24.