2021年1月23日发(作者：繁衍后代)
English is a Crazy Language

by Richard Lederer

English is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in some way by at least
one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of the world's books are written in English,
and the majority of international telephone calls are made in English. Sixty percent of the world's radio
programs are beamed in English, and more than seventy percent of international mail is written and
addressed in English. Eighty percent of all computer texts, including all web sites, are stored in English.

English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world's languages, perhaps as many as two
million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human
race. Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language -- the most loopy and
wiggy of all tongues.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a
shipment
, but when we transport
something by ship, it's called
cargo
?
Why does a man get a
her
nia and a woman a
hys
terectomy?
Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?
Why do we call it
newsprint
when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a
newspaper
?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called
bikers
and people who ride bikes called
cyclists
?
Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell?

Language is like the air we breathe. It's invisible, inescapable, indispensable, and we take it for
granted. But, when we take the time to step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in
people's faces and to explore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we find that hot dogs can be cold,
darkrooms can be lit, homework can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while
morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can be men,
hours -- especially happy hours and rush hours -- often last longer than sixty minutes, quicksand works
very
slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of plastic and tablecloths of
paper, most telephones are dialed by being punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don't have any
baths in them. In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree -- no bath, no room; it's still going to
the bathroom. And doesn't it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the
bathroom?

Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can't woman one, that a man can father a
movement but a woman can't mother one, and that a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a
queendom? How did all those Renaissance men reproduce when there don't seem to have been any
Renaissance women?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane:
In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why do they call them
apartments
when they're all together?
Why do we call them
buildings
, when they're already built?
Why it is called a
TV set
when you get only one?
Why is
phonetic
not spelled phonetically?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell
mnemonic
?
Why doesn't
onomatopoeia
sound like what it is?
Why is the word
abbreviation
so long?
Why is
diminutive
so undiminutive?
Why does the word
monosyllabic
consist of five syllables?
Why is there no synonym for
synonym
or
thesaurus
?
And why, pray tell, does
lisp
have an s in it?

English is crazy.

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from olives, what do they
make baby oil from? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume? If
pro
and
con

are opposites, is
congress
the opposite of
progress
?

Why can you call a woman a mouse but not a rat -- a kitten but not a cat? Why is it that a woman can
be a vision, but not a sight -- unless your eyes hurt? Then she can be

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce, hammers don't ham, humdingers don't humding, ushers don't ush, and haberdashers do not
haberdash.

If the plural of
tooth
is
teeth
, shouldn't the plural of
booth
be
beeth
? One goose, two geese -- so one
moose, two meese? One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices? If people ring a bell today
and rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they wrote a letter, perhaps they
also bote their tongue. If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it
that the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water and then trod on the beach,
and that I flew out to see a World Series game in which my favorite player flied out?

If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we grieve a greption and believe a
beleption? If a firefighter fights fire, what does a freedom fighter fight? If a horsehair mat is made from
the hair of horses, from what is a mohair coat made?

A
slim chance
and a
fat chance
are the same, as are a
caregiver
and a
caretaker
, a
bad licking
and a
good licking
, and
wise man
and a
wise guy
are
opposites. How can
sharp speech
and
blunt speech
be the same and
quite a lot
and
quite a few
the
same, while
overlook
and
oversee
are opposites? How can the weather be
hot as hell
one day and
cold
as hell
the next?

If
button
and
unbutton
and
tie
and
untie
are opposites, why are
loosen
and
unloosen
and
ravel
and
unravel
the same? If
bad
is the opposite of
good
,
hard
the opposite of
soft
, and
up
the opposite of
down
,
why are
badly
and
goodly
,
hardly
and
softly
, and
upright
and
downright
not opposing pairs? If harmless
actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and
pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones? If appropriate and inappropriate remarks and
passable and impassable mountain trails are opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials,
heritable and inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same? How can valuable
objects be less valuable than invaluable ones? If
uplift
is the same as
lift up
, why are
upset
and
set up

opposite in meaning? Why are
pertinent
and
impertinent
,
canny
and
uncanny
, and
famous
and
infamous

neither opposites nor the same? How can
raise
and
raze
and
reckless
and
wreckless
be opposites when
each pair contains the same sound?

Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible; that when I clip a coupon from a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon
to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I
shall end it?

English is a crazy language.
How can expressions like
morning and knock you up,
that purport to speak the same English?